حواء’s Reviews > Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men > Status Update

Freedom from accountability means that the abusive man considers himself above criticism. If his partner attempts to raise her grievances, she is "nagging" or "provoking" him.

Physical caretaking is the focus of the more traditionally minded abuser. He expects his partner to make dinner for him the way he likes it, look after the children, clean the house, and perform an endlessly continuing list of additional tasks. He sees her essentially as an unpaid servant.

Interwoven with the abuser's overvaluation of his own work is the devaluation of his partner's labor. My clients grumble to me: "I don't know what the hell she does all day. I come home and the house is a mess, the children haven't been fed, and she's talking on the telephone. She spends her time watching soap operas."

“Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior”

“AN ABUSER'S BEHAVIOR IS PRIMARILY CONSCIOUS-HE ACTS like DELIBERATELY RATHER THAN BY ACCIDENT OR BY LOSING CONTROL OF HIMSELF-BUT THE UNDERLYING THINKING THAT DRIVES HIS BEHAVIOR IS LARGELY NOT CONSCIOUS.”

“An abusive man has to bury his compassion in a deep hole in order to escape the profound inherent aversion that human beings have to seeing others suffer. He has to adhere tightly to his excuses and rationalizations, develop a disturbing ability to insulate himself from the pain he is causing, and learn to enjoy power and control over his female partners.”

“AN ABUSER IS A HUMAN BEING, NOT AN EVIL MONSTER, BUT HE HAS A PROFOUNDLY COMPLEX AND DESTRUCTIVE PROBLEM THAT SHOULD NOT BE UNDERESTIMATED.”

“The abuser doesn't picture himself yelling, degrading her, or hurling objects at her. As he falls in love, he dreams of a happy future of conjugal bliss, just as the woman does.”