Keaton’s Reviews > The Incest Diary > Status Update

I have no mind, no body, and I am all mind and all body.

or how I see black, shiny ants devouring my girl corpse when I remember fucking my father.

I want to be a good girl. And I'm the man with the whip.

I used to go inside my father. I wanted to be the man who hurts girls.

Piet Mondrian's sharp and pure country drawings.

I pull down art books from his bookcases. I look at the carnivals in Ensor, the contorted pink and yellow faces, his fat pope, the death mask.

(cont)
I remember one time walking on our way to a Greek restaurant. As we passed a big church, my father said to us, "And this is where they rape children."

Each time we saw him—Isaac pointed out to me afterward on our way home—my father mentioned child rape or pedophilia. No matter what the conversation was about, my father found a way to bring up child rape. As a joke, or an accusation of someone, just bringing it up. I hadn't noticed this until it was pointed out to me. (cont)

The sexual desire wasn't deep and it wasn't wide. In all the years we were together, I never had a dream about him. I never wept on his chest, telling him how terrified I was.

And I knew how to leave my body behind and let things happen to it.