Dennis Miller > Quotes

“A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.”
― Dennis Miller

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.”
― Dennis Miller

“Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.”
― Dennis Miller

“Quote: You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven okay?

”
― Dennis Miller

“America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.”
― Dennis Miller

“A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.”
― Dennis Miller

“There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.”
― Dennis Miller

“When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.”
― Dennis Miller, I Rant, Therefore I Am

“It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.”
― Dennis Miller

“Remember, when you connect with another computer, you're connecting to every computer that computer has connected to.”
― Dennis Miller

“I know we don’t like to vote – marking your ballot nowadays is like choosing between the 3am showing of Beastmaster on Showtime and the 3am showing of Beastmaster 2 on Cinemax.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“And the reason parenting is becoming increasingly crucial is that we now live in a world that is more fucked up than Peter O’Toole on his birthday.”
― Dennis Miller, Rants

“We are living in the era of the violent do-gooder.”
― Dennis Miller

“And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow”
― Dennis Miller

“Guilt is the reason they put articles in Playboy.”
― Dennis Miller

“The schools are there to teach your kids to read, write, and add – skills they will need if they are going to apply for and wisely invest their unemployment checks one day.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous.
As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don’t like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“Now I’m not pro-drug. They obviously cause a lot of damage. But I am pro-logic, and you’re never going to stop the human need for release through altered consciousness. The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawn until they fell down and saw God.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“Pop – Pop culture has turned the brain into the body’s new appendix – no real function, and it could quite possibly blow up and mill you. As organs go, you just don’t need your brain anymore!”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“I remember once my kid got in trouble for saying to his teacher, “What time is fucking recess?” and I remember thinking, “Now where would he fucking pick up something like that?”
― Dennis Miller, Rants

“I have a prescription here for Obecalp for [patient’s name], but I can’t find it listed anywhere.” He said, “Oh. That’s placebo spelled backwards.”
― Dennis Miller, Pharmacy Exposed: 1,000 Things That Can Go Deadly Wrong At the Drugstore

“Power is the most sought-after, addictive, seductive, abused drug there is. Compared to power, crack is Fruitopia.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants

“Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.”
― Dennis Miller

“Schadenfreude is as old as the Scriptures. Believe me, when the girls in the Red Sea bowling league heard that Lot’s wife had morphed into a pillar of salt, the deer-lick jokes flew.”
― Dennis Miller, Rants

“We are overeducated pharmacy clerks (with doctorate degrees) answering the phone, running the cash register, ringing up donuts and dish soap while juggling 10 or more drug related issues per minute with our one technician yelling “Override!”
― Dennis Miller, Pharmacy Exposed: 1,000 Things That Can Go Deadly Wrong At the Drugstore

“Big Pharma prefers the model of mail order pharmacy where prescription drug orders are filled the same way that Amazon.com fills orders for books. To”
― Dennis Miller, Pharmacy Exposed: 1,000 Things That Can Go Deadly Wrong At the Drugstore

“CVS is an extreme case among retailers. Its new hires are almost always either recent grads or people who have bounced around the pharmacy world so often that they have nowhere left to go.”
― Dennis Miller, Pharmacy Exposed: 1,000 Things That Can Go Deadly Wrong At the Drugstore

“And you know, while I’m at it, I don’t care what arcane passage you pull out of the Old Testament and run through your Jeremiah-begat-Jedediah Decoder Ring, one of the definitive tenets of Christianity is tolerance. Trust me, there’s no version of the Bible that says Love thy neighbor unless he’s a Peter Allen fan. Any supposedly Christian doctrine must have at the core a belief in the concept of unqualified love for your fellow man. Unless of course he proves himself to be a total asshole. Then you can ditch him. Sure, God understands that, who do you think booked Satan’s flight? What he can’t understand is turning against someone because you don’t happen to agree with their sexual preference. Forget your linear, biblical interpretation that tells you to ostracize gays, and follow your heart. It’s like when your driving test instructor would tell you to run the stop sign. And you would, and then he’d flunk you. And you’d say, “But you told me to.” And he’d say, “Sorry, but you never run a stop sign.” And you never carpet bomb a group of people with hate because they’re different from you. Case closed, Tail-gunner Joe.”
― Dennis Miller, Rants

“5) “lost” prescriptions (for example, a customer dropped off a prescription on Tuesday and returned on Wednesday only to find that the pharmacy staff can find no trace of that prescription—it happens more often than you think!).”
― Dennis Miller, Pharmacy Exposed: 1,000 Things That Can Go Deadly Wrong At the Drugstore

“FIVE – This is very important. During lovemaking: Don’t ask, “Who’s your daddy?” Even as a joke. All right? It’s not funny.”
― Dennis Miller, The Rants