Cedar R. Koons > Quotes

“Environments become invalidating when they fail to protect you or neglect your basic needs. Environments for children invalidate when they regularly communicate that their needs, feelings, and preferences are bad, or wrong, or otherwise lack validity”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“When we feel we cannot tolerate emotional pain, we want desperately to escape. Our attention wanders to all the distractions available to us, such as food, alcohol, drugs, sleeping, eating, having suicidal thoughts, lashing out in anger, isolating—anything to avoid feeling the emotion. These temporary escapes are easy to access. We forget about the promises we’ve made to others or ourselves, we forget the long-term consequences of these “solutions,” and we fall victim to old patterns. By design and linked to our survival mechanisms, emotions function to get our attention and organize us to act in accordance (Ratey 2001). The very nature of emotion makes it difficult to focus the mind on anything else.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“It allows us to relax, stop clinging, and accept the facts of the situation and how we feel about it. An answer will come, but it might take time for it to arrive. The key is not to give in to impulses, but to wait for clarity. Spaciousness of mind is not resignation or fatalism. It is acceptance of reality in the moment. A hurricane may be blowing, but we are in the calm center, awaiting wise mind.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“From a dialectical perspective the big picture includes recognition that everything is interconnected, that change is constant, and that nothing is permanent. When we are able to step back from catastrophizing—perhaps after taking a cold shower or running on a treadmill for twenty minutes, or after weeks of tolerating uncertainty—we can see that there is much more to the picture than the narrow, scary perspective on which we have been fixated.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Everything we do, we do in a context in which we influence, and are influenced by, multiple opposing forces”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Mindfulness is intentionally focusing in the present moment and accepting what is in that moment without evaluating it as good or bad (Germer 2004). We can be in a mindful state for a few moments, for most of a day, or for days, weeks, or years at a time. We can be mindful while undertaking all kinds of activities, from putting out a forest fire to eating a popsicle, from carrying on a conversation to having sex.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“That is a sure sign you are confused.” “You mean because I change my mind?” “That’s right. When you know, you know. When you don’t, you go back and forth.” “So what do I do now?” “Take your time. Don’t be in a rush. Don’t give in to pressure. Just listen inside, like when we used to listen for the owl at Grandpa’s, remember? Just listen and you’ll hear. And don’t make a move until you do.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Criteria for Diagnosing Borderline Personality Disorder 1. Frantic efforts to avoid being or feeling abandoned by loved ones. 2. Instability in relationships, including a tendency to idealize and then become disillusioned with relationships. 3. Problems with an unstable sense of self, self-image, or identity. 4. Impulsivity in at least two areas (other than suicidal behavior) that are potentially damaging, such as excessive spending, risky sex, substance abuse, or binge eating. 5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, including thoughts, attempts, or threats of suicide, as well as intentional self-harm that may or may not be life-threatening. 6. Mood swings, including intense negative mood, irritability, and anxiety. Moods usually last a few hours and rarely more than a few days. 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. 8. Problems controlling intense anger and angry behavior. 9. Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociation.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Evidence shows that mindfulness reduces emotional pain by bringing our attention into the present moment and helping us focus on what is real in the moment (Grossman et al. 2004). As we will see in chapter 2, strong emotions produce powerful urges to act before we think. When we focus mindfully, we are building in a brief pause before we act. Within that pause we can actually recognize that we have a choice about how to act, rather than being slaves to our emotions and their urges.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Keep a gratitude journal. The mind tends to focus on problems to be solved rather than on what is working. Change this up by starting a gratitude journal. At least once a week write in your journal about the things for which you are grateful. Leave complaining out of this journal! This practice increases the likelihood that you will notice positives in your life, a skill that will reduce your vulnerability to emotion mind. Track your worries (Behar et al. 2009). Each week write down the top three worries in your mind and rate them as to how likely they are to happen. Once a month review your list and see how many of the things you worried about did or did not become problems. Chances are you will find a higher percentage of your worries never manifested. Reflect on the usefulness of constant worrying. Look for ways to make lemonade (Linehan 1993a). As the saying goes, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Reflect on things in your life that have seemed like lemons at the time (such as a divorce) that ended up being lemonade (allowing you to find a happier relationship). Try to find opportunities in your daily life to make lemonade out of disappointments or reversals.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Wise people have been talking about something like wise mind for millennia. Some of its aliases are the soul, the in-dwelling of the holy spirit, the conscience, Buddha nature, gnosis, the atman, the heart of hearts, the true self. According to countless sources, it lives inside of everyone. And just as inner wisdom is called by many names, it also can be reached by many different methods.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Practice a mantra. Instead of letting your mind wander or getting impatient when you are waiting in line or have free moments, try practicing a mantra, or invocation. You might try “wise” on the in-breath and “mind” on the out-breath, or (from Thich Nhat Hanh) “just this” on the in-breath and “moment” on the out-breath. Not letting your mind wander decreases the tendency to ruminate and worry. It may also improve your mood, reducing your vulnerability to emotion mind.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Wise mind exists in the moment and for the moment. It is like the manna in the desert that the Old Testament God provided each day for the Israelites. Manna had to be eaten on the day it fell from the sky and could not be preserved, except for that gathered to be eaten on the Sabbath. The Israelites who didn’t believe that enough manna would be provided tried to save it, but they quickly found that it became full of maggots. Similarly, we can accept the wisdom of our wise mind only for today. We must access wise mind every day—and luckily, like the manna, it is available every day. Any day our situation might change and the direction from our wise mind might thus be altered, even if only slightly. To be nourished by wise mind, we have to let go of constant worries that we won’t have what we need or won’t know what to do, that things won’t work out. We have to learn to accept the moment of wise mind.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Although almost everyone has a hard time resisting the action urge of a powerful emotion, some people have a harder time regulating their emotions due to their temperament and learning history. As a result, they have more problems with impulsivity, relationships, and a sense of self. When people with this kind of temperament grow up in environments that don’t teach them the skills they need to manage their moods and emotions, the result is pervasive emotion dysregulation. This theory, the Biosocial Theory of borderline personality disorder, is one of the foundations of DBT (Linehan 1993).”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“The Solution: Observing Observing uses the senses to notice, quite intentionally, what is outside of you—such as a car crossing into your lane—or inside, such as a sensation of hunger. To observe, you must first step back from thoughts and emotions and come into the present moment with alertness and purpose. This skill takes a great deal of practice.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Listen to ambient sounds. Go outside to a natural spot, in your backyard, in the park, or in some woods, and find a safe place to sit. Allow your gaze to rest quietly on the ground in front of you and listen to the ambient sounds around you. You may hear traffic, birds, people talking, dogs barking, wind in the trees. It doesn’t matter what the sounds are or whether you like them or find them annoying. Simply sit and listen without commenting to yourself, without judgment, for at least five minutes.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Let go of whether you like the music or not. Resist the temptation to drift away in thoughts. If you do drift away, return to the simple sounds of the music as soon as you notice you have drifted.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Observe the sensation of touching objects. Collect some smooth stones, shells, nuts, beads, or other objects that feel good in your hand. Put one in your pocket. When you are standing in line or waiting, take out the object and run your fingers over the surfaces, noticing how they feel. Close your eyes and focus on the sensations in your fingertips, the temperature of the object, any ridges, curves, or indentations. Allow thoughts to come and go but do not dwell on them. Put all your attention on observing the feel of the object in your hand.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“behind the waterfall of thoughts is a place to stand, perhaps a little cave or indentation, that allows us to remain dry while viewing the thoughts like water flowing over our heads and pouring into a river of thoughts traveling downstream and away from us. We observe the waterfall of thoughts, but don’t get washed downstream by it.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Mindfulness helps by waking us up in the middle of an emotional storm. It helps us see what is going on (bodily sensations and urges) and what choices we have (to act on urges or not) by bringing our attention into the moment. First we notice the sensations we are feeling. Even if the sensations are intensely unpleasant, we recognize they are only sensations and they will pass in a short while. When we can tolerate the sensations of emotions and not feel compelled either to act on or to avoid them, we begin to notice something important: urges are only urges, not imperatives. We can simply notice the emotion and ride it like a wave, knowing that eventually it will pass, even if only to come again. The more we can stay present and accept the moment, the less we feel the need to either act on how we feel, like Colleen, or escape from how we feel, like Christina. When the intensity and urgency pass, the way forward becomes easier to see. Over time, we begin to hear the quiet voice of our true selves gently advising us. When we stay in the present we find that the moment is, in fact, tolerable. We are not ruminating about our intractable problems or agonizing over the loneliness and shame we feel. We give up trying to fix everything and stop blaming ourselves for what we imagine to be the gigantic mess we have made of our lives. Instead, our own inner voice might say, Okay, maybe I am not happy with what is going on, but I can accept this moment.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Take a mindfulness walk and count your breath. Instead of letting your mind wander over your problems, take a break and walk mindfully. Find a path where you won’t be disturbed, such as a walkway near your home or workplace or in a quiet, safe neighborhood. Walk for about ten minutes, breathing normally and counting your breaths, one on the in-breath, two on the out-breath, and so on, up to ten. Then return to one. If your mind wanders and you lose count, return to one. Focus on your feet and notice what you see with your eyes cast down. Let thoughts come and go, judging nothing, and noticing what your senses bring to your attention. A mindfulness walk will strengthen your ability to observe your own mind, which will help you better access wise mind and prepare you for more formal sitting practice.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“To observe an emotion we have to bring our intention to the effort. We are not the emotion itself; we are a person having an emotion (Linehan 1993a). An emotion is an event in the body; it physically impacts us. We can identify its sensations: heart rate rising, sweat breaking out, stomach churning, jaw clenching, and so forth. We can notice how the emotion comes and goes in intensity. When the thoughts associated with the emotion appear, we can also step back from them, noticing them as emotional thoughts. By the time action urges arise we already have a little distance between the emotion and ourselves. Do we want to respond to the cue and walk into the drama? When we use observing, it is our choice.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Think of mind as pure awareness, like an empty sky. Through the mind travel our thoughts, images, body awareness, memories, urges, dreams, and more—always moving and transforming, like weather in the atmosphere. This “weather” is our state of mind at any given time. When we are in reasonable mind it is just another day, and we don’t even notice the weather. The mind is hyper-rational, focused on the facts and tasks at hand. When we are in emotion mind, emotions are in control and storms blow in. Rationality flies away like leaves in an autumn gale. Under the influence of very strong emotions, thoughts jump from the past to the future and back to the present, and emotions and urges feel as unstable as tornados. The weather of wise mind is peaceful, even if a storm has recently passed by. Emotions may be present, like clouds in a blue sky, but the weather is calm. We are aware both of the facts of a situation and of our feelings about it. The mind is quiet and the attention is focused in the moment. Most of the time a part of your attention is quietly observing everything you are doing, even your own state of mind. To identify your state of mind, tune in to yourself from that observing part of you. How do you feel in your body? What are your thoughts like? Is emotion present? Can you name it? Do you feel any urges? Do you feel a loud intensity; a cool, logical focus; or a quiet inner knowing? Being able to look at your mind this way will help you identify your state of mind”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“For people with emotion regulation problems, the main obstacles to learning and using mindfulness skills are emotional intensity and emotional avoidance. The specific mindfulness skills of DBT teach us how to notice when our intense emotions are in control, as well as how to focus and what to focus on. The very act of choosing to focus mindfully builds in a pause that allows us to remember we have choices about how to respond to our emotions. Using mindfulness skills on a daily basis can help anyone leave behind chaotic, emotion-driven behavior and enter into the present moment where it is possible to feel more acceptance, peace, and contentment.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Mindfulness teaches us to cultivate present-moment awareness first and to experience reality without judging it. Thus we develop a sense of self by noticing again and again how we feel in the moment and accepting it. The more we practice this simple awareness, the more we come to know and accept ourselves as unique feeling, and perceiving individuals. Present-moment experiencing acts as a portal through which we access our true selves. It is from this portal we can then pursue worthy goals such as love and fulfillment.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Watch fish. Find a fish tank in a restaurant, pet shop, or aquarium. Get comfortable and watch the fish swim into and out of view. Try not to comment to yourself. Simply watch them for at least ten minutes and notice everything you can about the ones who swim your way.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“We are approaching wise mind when we begin to feel compassion and concern for ourselves. We become willing to take our time and consider our options. We start to think of long-term consequences of our actions, and the short-term relief we crave feels less compelling. A wider perspective opens and our intuition gets engaged. We begin to consider our values as we get closer to a decision. We may even feel less fearful of not getting immediate relief from emotional pain and more able to tolerate not getting the outcome we want.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Unlike emotion mind, which tends to raise its voice, or reasonable mind, which talks in a modulated tone, wise mind often speaks in a whisper. We have to cultivate the habit of listening for wise mind, and asking for its input, which doesn’t usually come in the form of an opinion. It comes as a sense, awareness, or noticing—states which can be quiet, even wordless. Wise mind, with its soft voice, can feel at first like uncertainty. Reasonable mind can be smugly sure of itself when we are armed with the facts. In impulsive people, emotion mind can also feel certain of itself, even aggressively so. In fearful and avoidant people, emotion mind may be reticent or confused, but still feel certain that this anxious response is the right stance. But wise mind usually doesn’t come on at first as such a strong opinion. It is subtler, less cocksure.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“Scan for sensations in your body. Sit quietly in a chair for a few minutes and scan your body, noticing all sensations. Starting with the toes on one foot, move up through your leg, then into your groin, to your chest and shoulder, down your left arm to your hand, then all the way back to your foot. Repeat on the other side. Notice sensations in your neck, jaw, lips, face, and scalp but do not describe them; simply observe. Pay special attention to any area where there is tension or discomfort. Create space for the tension or discomfort to be present without avoiding it or intensifying it. Simply allow it to be.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

“when I was trying to establish my identity and values, my emotional behavior made life more turbulent and confusing for me. Nothing brought me the sense of self-control and of feeling grounded that I was seeking. I was searching for something, looking everywhere but where it actually resided, fully operational—inside of me.”
― Cedar R. Koons, The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT