Helene Lerner > Quotes

“The lines between being assertive or being aggressive, taking charge or being overly ambitious, and being nice or being ineffective are so blurred (by both sexes) that hitting the right note can feel impossible. In”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“pretense of perfection can kill your enthusiasm as well as your ability to move forward. Don’t indulge it. Mistakes are part of the growing process. Some of the greatest innovations have come as a result of things going awry. A senior leader once told me that it’s okay to make mistakes as long as you don’t make the same mistake twice.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Leading with presence involves being authentic, owning our strengths as well as our weaknesses, and speaking up on issues with integrity and passion.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Confidence is about stepping up over and over again, looking fear in the face and moving ahead anyway.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“But if no one speaks honestly to you, how will you know what is getting in the way of your moving up?”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Awareness is key, and we need to apply our best judgment and intuition to each situation.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“One of my guideposts is that it’s often a mistake to try too hard too early,” Kathy shared. “So I sit back for a time, learn about the culture and what value I can provide, and watch things develop. I think that served me well with Europeans because I’m not perceived as self-promoting or too aggressive (the ugly American). People play into that stereotype because they try to impress too quickly.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Changing the conversation in the room was more important than playing it safe.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Confidence spark Try this the next time you receive feedback and find yourself getting defensive. Take a few deep breaths and repeat back what has been said to show that you have understood. Doing this will give you a little distance from reacting in a way you might regret. Later on you can reflect on what fits and what doesn’t. If you need support, get input from a trusted colleague.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“MYTH When I feel criticized, I react defensively and I can’t be objective. TRUTH I have the ability to discriminate, take what fits, and leave the rest.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“This experience drove me to get a coach and really hone my speaking skills. I realized how important it was to be authentic, to not show PowerPoint slides when people are expecting something different but instead to tell stories— personal stories, some of which I had told only to my best friends. And if I shared a weakness to get my point across, which I was afraid to do for a very long time, the audience connected with me even more. If someone like me, with my flaws, could be successful, so could they. My story inspired them.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“But the only way to lessen the fear is to get out and speak.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“I’m going to make the best choice I can and if that turns out not to be perfect, I’ll keep my eye on it, analyze it, and modify it as I go.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“envisioning a positive outcome has helped her speak with presence. For her first staff meeting at her former position as publisher of People en Español, Jackie envisioned herself passionately speaking to the group. An image of a successful meeting primed her to make it happen.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Speaking Circles International, is the transformational speaking coach who worked with me. He underscored the importance of listening to your audience before, during, and after you speak in order to create nonverbal connections.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“consider the people who can support you as you work toward your goal. Who will give you honest feedback, offer expertise, or just be available to listen as challenges arise? Continue reaching out to these people when needed.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Confidence spark When interviewing for an ambitious assignment, make a list of the skills you have, the skills you need to learn, and the tasks that can be delegated. Now address your fear of not being able to handle the situation, and see the truth as it is. You have several skills, and you can learn or delegate the rest. Breaking down the job into its various parts may also help. What daily tasks can you do right now? Which ones will you assign to someone else?”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“We need to change the paradigm of what an effective businesswoman is and allow for expertise and imperfections to be part of the equation. The women I interviewed admitted to both. When we give up perfectionism, we are better able to step up, speak up, think big, and take risks. Yes, we have had to be twice as good as our male counterparts as a result of our late arrival into the workplace. But no one can keep pace with a standard that can never be achieved.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Think of yourself in a job two levels higher than the one you have now. Imagine what you’d be doing. What do you look like—how are you dressed? Do you seem poised and in command? Reflect on some of the women leaders who are actually at that level now. How do they carry themselves? How do they dress? In preparing for what you will wear to work tomorrow, keep these images in mind. Pick your clothes accordingly. Also, practice carrying yourself as a leader—shoulders relaxed and back with your head held high as you walk.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Confidence spark One of the best ways to listen to someone is to tune in to the sound of his voice. He may be saying one thing but meaning something else. Focus on the quality of his tone—does he sound stressed or confident? What do you know about him that can help you figure out what he is really saying? If thoughts come up that distract you, just keep focusing on his voice to heighten your awareness of his real motivation and mental state.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“The moral of the story: don’t react, especially when you are hungry and tired! Process the feedback at a time when you can take an honest look at what is being said.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“The biggest takeaway from them is that you can act with presence even when you don’t feel 100 percent sure of yourself.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“He helped me get a coach, and I started to handle the issues that stopped me from advancing. I was raised to be ‘nice’ and not to brag, to play down my abilities.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Lessons in Leadership: My Rules to Live By© • Be true to yourself • Do the right thing • Remember that actions speak louder than words • Put first things first • Just do it”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Confidence spark If you’re feeling shaky about taking an action that could prove risky, use this exercise to determine if the action is what I call a best bet, a smart risk worth taking. First, analyze the pros and cons. Say you’re offered a job working for a start-up company. How many pluses and minuses can you list? Which do you have more of? Second, consider the timing and your other priorities. Are you just starting out or have you been in the workforce for a long time? Are you single or married; do you have children? All of these factors go into determining whether taking the risk is worth it. Third and most importantly, listen to your inner voice. What is it advising? If everything points to go, then it’s time to make a move. Or maybe you find that the timing is not right. Don’t discard your plans—just put them aside for now. Reevaluate the opportunity, or another one just like it, at a later time. Letting”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“I take a few deep breaths before I begin to speak, and I listen to the sounds in the room—this gets me focused and really present with my audience.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Confidence is the ability to step into uncharted territory and take the next right action, to get comfortable with the uncomfortable”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“and disrespects me” had inhibited their confidence. Neerja Bhatia, executive coach and founder of Rhythm of Success, advises us to stop identifying with the stressful judgments from our past. If we don’t, what has happened will block us from getting what we want.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“generosity, and graciousness. By keeping humility in mind, you rise above the challenges to build trust.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It

“Feedback tells us how we are really being perceived, so if we are not getting it, we need to ask for it.”
― Helene Lerner, The Confidence Myth: Why Women Undervalue Their Skills, and How to Get Over It