Steven Wright > Quotes

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”
― Steven Wright

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
― Steven Wright

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
― Steven Wright

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
― Steven Wright

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
― steven wright

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”
― Steven Wright

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
― Steven Wright

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
― Steven Wright

“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
― Steven Wright

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
― Steven Wright

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
― Steven Wright

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
― Steven Wright

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
― Steven Wright

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”
― Steven Wright

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
― Steven Wright

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
― Steven Wright

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
― Steven Wright

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
― Steven Wright

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”
― Steven Wright

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
― Steven Wright

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
― Steven Wright

“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”
― Steven Wright

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”
― Steven Wright

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”
― Steven Wright

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”
― Steven Wright

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”
― Steven Wright

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”
― Steven Wright

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”
― Steven Wright

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
― Steven Wright