Joan Hess > Quotes

“I did not add that we would pass by a bookstore on the way. It's an addiction that cannot be easily explained and can rarely be overcome.”
― Joan Hess, Mummy Dearest

“I don’t know yet, but I did learn some fascinating stuff about the occupancy of Number Three, which has some bearing on the case. You aren’t going believe your ears.”
― Joan Hess, Malice in Maggody

“This is a school, not a democracy; the students have whatever rights we choose to allow them.”
― Joan Hess, Dear Miss Demeanor

“A lifestyle isn’t necessarily a rut. It’s order and continuity. It’s a sense of comfortableness, of knowing what you want from life and how best to acquire it.”
― Joan Hess, A Really Cute Corpse

“Claire," Peter said, "I need you”
― Joan Hess, Claire Malloy Mysteries

“...I didn't feel overly safe and secure in the hotel, even with cops in the kitchen and cops in the dining room and cops in the alley out back. Hell's bells, I was a cop, and I sure wouldn't have depended on me for anything more than a neatly written parking ticket.”
― Joan Hess, Maggody in Manhattan

“...I was doing everything I could not to giggle, but I wasn't having complete success.

"A dinosaur ate your car?" said Jules. "What kind?"

"I already told you -- a Chevrolet.....”
― Joan Hess, Martians in Maggody

“Do you know anything about women, Pa? What makes them act the way they do?” Earl belched thoughtfully. “Ain’t no man that understands women. Take your ma, for example. I come home from”
― Joan Hess, murder@maggody.com

“worth the bother, if you ask me.” “So what should I do?” “Cross your fingers that someone puts out an owner’s manual. Otherwise, we’re all stuck with ’em as they are.” Brother”
― Joan Hess, murder@maggody.com

“What I suggest you do is drive home and find a good ol' boy lawyer who understands family loyalty. He should have two first names, wear pinstriped suits, and play golf with the prosecutor and poker with the judge.”
― Joan Hess, Martians in Maggody

“I just know I’d come out with a hymn on my lips and a halo over my head. Maybe I could even come over here after church to have friend children with y’all. Why don’t you put in a good word with Jim Bob about increasing the budget so I can afford some of that old-time religion?”
― Joan Hess, Martians in Maggody

“I suppose Abraham Lincoln was right when he claimed you can't fool all the people all of the time. Then again, he'd never come to Maggody.”
― Joan Hess, Martians in Maggody

“The four Mafiosi, a beautician, and my mother—what a swell gang of criminals.”
― Joan Hess, Malice in Maggody

“piled higher than a run-of-the-mill beehive; it literally soared a good twelve inches. I was surprised she wasn’t trailed by a homeless swarm.”
― Joan Hess, Malice in Maggody

“think. ‘About what?’ I say. She gets all mad and stomps off to the bedroom. Now how in tarnation am I supposed to know she had her hair fixed a different way? I ain’t some faggot hairdresser. If she’d had it shaved off or dyed green, I most likely would have noticed.” Kevin thought this over. “Dahlia’s temperamental, but her hair’s the same.” “She buy a new dress? That can be dangerous.” “Not in a long while. She just kicked me out. Whenever I try to talk to her, her lips get all puckered and there I am on the porch.” “There’s your problem,” Earl said. “No man should be trying to talk to a woman. They’re a whole different breed, all the time wantin’ to know how you feel about things. Buy her a big bottle of cologne at Wal-Mart and tell her you like her hair. Just don’t sound like a faggot, okay? Keep in mind God ain’t married. Now go get that beer.” “You know anything about men?” Dahlia asked her mother-in-law while they took turns dipping into the bowl of popcorn. “I’ve been married to one for over thirty years,” said Eileen. “Far as I can tell, they’re all the same. The only reason they have faces is so we can tell ’em apart. Hardly”
― Joan Hess, murder@maggody.com

“woods that closed in on both sides like tattered curtains.”
― Joan Hess, Malice in Maggody