Matthew Inman > Quotes

“Anything that smiles often needs to be reminded that the world is a cruel, dark place.”
― The Oatmeal, 5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth and Other Useful Guides

“Crunches are an exercise where you lie on your back and angrily try to head-butt your crotch.”
― Matthew Inman, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“Just don't fall into a tanning bed.

These machines are for vapid, narcissistic, idiots who have barren vacuums where their thoughts, fears, and passions should be.

Spending time in a tanning bed will only earn you the appearance and intellect of an inbred baked potato.

Don't be a baked potato.
Be a person.”
― Matthew Inman, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“marathon: (noun)
A popular form of overpriced torture wherein participants wake up at ass-o-clock in the morning and stand in the freezing cold until it's time to run, at which point they miserably trot for a god-awful interval of time that could be better spent sleeping in and/or consuming large quantities of beer and cupcakes.
See also: masochism, awfulness, "a bunch of bullshit", boob-chafing, cupcake deprivation therapy”
― Matthew Inman, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“If you find yourself debating whether or not you should go exercise, it means you have the time and the means, your're simply talking yourself out of doing something difficults”
― The Oatmeal, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“Running a race assigns a point to a sport that often feels very pointless. It's an exuberant payoff to months of tedium. It's a way of crafting an end boss for a particularly cumbersome video game. It's a fun, monstrous reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other. So, do yourself a favor: go build a monster.”
― Matthew Inman, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“Don't be a baked potato. Be a person.”
― The Oatmeal

“They say you should treat your body like a temple. I treat mine like a fast-moving dumpster.”
― Matthew Inman, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“I did not become a runner to lose weight, I did it to escape my computer”
― The Oatmeal, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“Also, journeys require endpoints, otherwise you're not Frodo, you're just a homeless guy wandering around with stolen jewelry.”
― Matthew Inman

“Running is a form of practiced stoicism. It means teaching your brain and body to be biochemically comfortable in a state of disrepair.”
― Matthew Inman, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“Runners aren't impervious to pain, we're just better at choosing what kind of pain we have to feel.

And when I run, that's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm asserting control over the uncontrollable.

I'm housebreaking a tornado.”
― The Oatmeal, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“If I am sedentary at a time when I have zero excuse for being sedentary, I call this "blerching.”
― Matthew Inman, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“It was on this day, during this terrible and wonderful run, that a thought occurred to me, a thought which has never left me" I've always considered the question to be. "Why am I alive? Why am I here? What’s the point of me?? And to that I say WHO CARES! FORGET THE WHY. YOU ARE IN A RAGING FOREST FULL OF BEAUTY AND AGONY AND MAGICAL GRAPEY BEVERAGES AND LIGHTNING STORMS AND DEMON BEES. THIS IS BETTER THAN THE WHY.
I run because I seek that clarity. Maybe it’s superficial. Maybe its’s just adrenaline and endorphins and serotine flooding my brain. But I don’t care. I run very fast because I desperately want to stand very still. I run to seek a void.
The world around me is so very, very loud. It begs me to slow down, to sit down, to lie down. And the buzzing of the world is nothing compared to the noise inside my head. I’m an introspective person, and sometimes I think too much, about my job and about my life. I feed an army of pointless, bantering demons. But when I run, the world grows quiet. Demons are forgotten, Krakens are slain, and Blerches are silenced. THE END.”
― Matthew Inman, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“I want to hurt, so I can heal.
I'm not unhappy.
I'm just busy.
I'm interested.
And that's okay.”
― Matthew Inman, How to Be Perfectly Unhappy

“If you find yourself debating whether or not you should go exercise, it means you have the time an the means, you're simply talking yourself out of doing something difficult.

DO NOT participate in this debate. Do not engage that apathetic little beast. Don't even look him in the eye. It's an argument you're going to lose.

Just put your shoes on and GET OUTSIDE. Pretend your butt cheeks are a pair of cruise missiles. Cruise missiles are meant to be launched. They were destined to CRUISE, SOAR, AND OBLITERATE!

And that's exactly what you're doing. This is an outright war against a bottomless supply of excuses. It is a blitzkrieg of the buttocks.”
― The Oatmeal

“They assume my status is binary: either I'm a joyous triumph, or I'm a miserable wretch. They recognize no spectrum, only two states of being: happy and unhappy. But I've never felt 'happy.' I've felt joy. I've felt bliss. But those feelings are ephemeral. Being 'happy' implies permanence. It implies you completed all the prerequisites. And now you get to sit atop of your giant pile of happy, forever.”
― The Oatmeal, How to Be Perfectly Unhappy

“Many endurance athletes insist on waking up super early to train. I am not one of those athletes. I'm a runner, not a f*cking werewolf.”
― The Oatmeal, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“Shut up and run.”
― Matthew Inman, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“It extols death with the luminescent brilliance of a dying star. It is Genghis Khan bathed in sherbet ice cream. The mantis shrimp is the harbinger of blood-soaked rainbows.”
― The Oatmeal

“I don't know how to fix you, so I'll just bend you into workable shapes.”
― Matthew Inman

“My feeding habits are like that of a trained circus animal: every time I do a trick, I get a reward.”
― Matthew Inman, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“When I do these things, I'm not smiling or beaming with joy. I'm not happy. In truth, when I do these things, I'm often suffering. But I do them because I find them meaningful. I find them compelling. I do these things because I want to be tormented and challenged and interested. I want to build things and then break them. I want to be busy and beautiful and brimming with ten thousand moving parts. I want to hurt, so that I can heal. I'm not unhappy. I'm just busy. I'm interested. And that's ok.”
― The Oatmeal, How to Be Perfectly Unhappy

“I grew up a fat kid, and in a way The Blerch is my former self. I run because I'm terrified of becoming that kid again.”
― Matthew Inman, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (Volume 5)

“The problem with 'happy' is a lot like the problem with Pluto. Several years ago, Pluto lost its designation as a planet, which caused a lot of uproar. But Pluto itself was never the problem. It's our definition of 'planet' that was the problem. 'Planet' comes from a Greek word, meaning 'wanderer,' and was used to describe bodies that move in the sky against a fixed background of stars. It was a vague way of describing a complex thing. Does a planet move in a fixed orbit around the sun? Does it clear a path within that orbit? Does it have moons? Does it have to be a certain size? These were questions that arose when we clarified our definition of 'planet.' THese were the smart questions that got Pluto downgraded. Pluto is no longer a planet because our definition of planet wasn't very good. I'm not 'happy' because our definition of happy isn't very good.”
― The Oatmeal