Jack Ito > Quotes

“better relationship.  We can except that fire burns, but we don't have to let it burn down our house.  Distinguishing between what you don't like and what is actually harmful to the relationship is an important distinction which will help you to know what needs to be accepted and when you need to have good boundaries.  You also must distinguish between what he doesn't like and what you do that is bad for the relationship.  Even a difficult husband is sometimes right.”
― Jack Ito, What To Do When He Won't Change: Saving Your Marriage When He is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, or Avoids You

“You two may not be able to communicate well enough to realize you are in agreement!”
― Jack Ito, What To Do When He Won't Change: Saving Your Marriage When He is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, or Avoids You

“A woman who walks out the first time a man mistreats her gets respect fast.  You would respect such a woman too, wouldn't you?  You don’t need to be aggressive to get respect.  A very gentle person can get respect.  What is required is consistency between words and behavior. The work that you will do as a result of following the methods in this book will get you more respect.  That’s important because your husband is not going to be able to love you better if he can’t respect you.  Respect and love go hand in hand.  We”
― Jack Ito, What To Do When He Won't Change: Saving Your Marriage When He is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, or Avoids You

“And, although your relationship may not be good for either of you right now, it is working a little.  Husbands, like most everyone else, continue to do what works a little.  Difficult men are like people who drive a clunky car, belching blue smoke.  As long as it works, they are ok.  When it breaks down, then they fix it.  There will be no significant demand on your husband to adapt—to change for the better—until his way breaks down.”
― Jack Ito, What To Do When He Won't Change: Saving Your Marriage When He is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, or Avoids You

“Acceptance begins to happen when we stop trying to change something about our partner.  At that point we become more sad and less angry.  When you don't change in a way that your husband wants you to, he will eventually realize that you are just not going to be the way he wants you to be (locked in a cage, under control, only attending to him, a supermodel, etc.).  It is a real experience of loss for him.  He loses his image of how he believed you were or could be.  It’s kind of pitiable, but it's necessary if he is to love who you really are.”
― Jack Ito, What To Do When He Won't Change: Saving Your Marriage When He is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, or Avoids You

“There is no one who can hang onto their relationship by force, but there are an abundance of people who try.  The more we fear, the tighter we grasp, and the more we lose our grip.  Your husband grew up with a lot of cultural rules and experiences.  He chooses his actions according to what he knows (his habits) and according to what he fears (his insecurities). You can be his butterfly, but only if he doesn't cage you in a glass jar.  Love is given freely, not taken by force.  Knowing each other intimately, trusting, growing, supporting, and feeling free are all part of the same package.  You can have that. And as much as you want it, he wants it too (for himself, at least).  Keeping that in mind will be key to his loosening his grip on you.  The more your husband restricts you and controls you, the less freedom he can have for himself.  If he wants you to stay home all the time rather than spend time with your friends, then you can give him what he wants.  Tell him you will be happy to be with him instead of your friends.  The only condition is that he spend that time with you, doing something meaningful.  If he doesn't follow through, go out with your friends.  Most men will decide very soon that it’s ok for you to go out once in awhile.  Then, that will be what they want, too.  The more control you give your husband, the more he will resist it.  If your husband is always telling you what to do, don't fight it.  Instead, nicely ask for his advice with everything, and he will tire of giving you advice and stop telling you what to do.  There are other methods to use for over-controlling men, but this works most of the time, is low conflict, and promotes”
― Jack Ito, What To Do When He Won't Change: Saving Your Marriage When He is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, or Avoids You

“The husband damages the relationship by abusing his wife, whether physically or emotionally, and whether by violence, verbal abuse, or neglect.  The wife also loses her husband's respect by allowing this to go on—by continuing to participate in it.  Certainly she isn't helping her husband by allowing him to do things which harm her, the relationship, and himself.  This bears repeating—you can’t show love to your husband, or earn his respect, by allowing him to do things which harm himself, you, or the relationship. Everything that your husband does to harm you or to harm the relationship also harms himself.  Letting such behaviors go on deprives him of what he could have, with you, if he didn’t do such behaviors.  It reduces his respect for you.  And unless he is an insensitive man, he loses respect for himself.  We don’t have to think of a wildly dangerous man to imagine this situation.  Even a man who would rather spend his time with his computer than with his wife is harming his relationship.  It is neglect, at least.  He will not feel like a better husband for it.  Can you imagine him thinking, “I'm a good husband because I spend all my time on the computer (gambling, golfing, at work, etc.)”?”
― Jack Ito, What To Do When He Won't Change: Saving Your Marriage When He is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, or Avoids You

“Rather than looking forward to seeing him, she will look forward to being reassured by him.  For this reason, she is more likely to be accusatory when he comes home than she is to be friendly.”
― Jack Ito, Overcome Neediness and Get the Love You Want