Jack Ito

“The husband damages the relationship by abusing his wife, whether physically or emotionally, and whether by violence, verbal abuse, or neglect.  The wife also loses her husband's respect by allowing this to go on—by continuing to participate in it.  Certainly she isn't helping her husband by allowing him to do things which harm her, the relationship, and himself.  This bears repeating—you can’t show love to your husband, or earn his respect, by allowing him to do things which harm himself, you, or the relationship. Everything that your husband does to harm you or to harm the relationship also harms himself.  Letting such behaviors go on deprives him of what he could have, with you, if he didn’t do such behaviors.  It reduces his respect for you.  And unless he is an insensitive man, he loses respect for himself.  We don’t have to think of a wildly dangerous man to imagine this situation.  Even a man who would rather spend his time with his computer than with his wife is harming his relationship.  It is neglect, at least.  He will not feel like a better husband for it.  Can you imagine him thinking, “I'm a good husband because I spend all my time on the computer (gambling, golfing, at work, etc.)”?”
― Jack Ito, What To Do When He Won't Change: Saving Your Marriage When He is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, or Avoids You

“There is no one who can hang onto their relationship by force, but there are an abundance of people who try.  The more we fear, the tighter we grasp, and the more we lose our grip.  Your husband grew up with a lot of cultural rules and experiences.  He chooses his actions according to what he knows (his habits) and according to what he fears (his insecurities). You can be his butterfly, but only if he doesn't cage you in a glass jar.  Love is given freely, not taken by force.  Knowing each other intimately, trusting, growing, supporting, and feeling free are all part of the same package.  You can have that. And as much as you want it, he wants it too (for himself, at least).  Keeping that in mind will be key to his loosening his grip on you.  The more your husband restricts you and controls you, the less freedom he can have for himself.  If he wants you to stay home all the time rather than spend time with your friends, then you can give him what he wants.  Tell him you will be happy to be with him instead of your friends.  The only condition is that he spend that time with you, doing something meaningful.  If he doesn't follow through, go out with your friends.  Most men will decide very soon that it’s ok for you to go out once in awhile.  Then, that will be what they want, too.  The more control you give your husband, the more he will resist it.  If your husband is always telling you what to do, don't fight it.  Instead, nicely ask for his advice with everything, and he will tire of giving you advice and stop telling you what to do.  There are other methods to use for over-controlling men, but this works most of the time, is low conflict, and promotes”
― Jack Ito, What To Do When He Won't Change: Saving Your Marriage When He is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, or Avoids You