Robyn Peterman > Quotes

“I'm twenty-nine, happily single and getting it on a regular basis' I said, enjoying the way their thin lips hung open in an impressive O.

'Well I've never,' Jane gasped.

'Clearly. You should try it some time. I understand Mr Smith is so vision impaired you might have a shot there.'

Their appalled shrieks were music to my ears and I quickly made my escape.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead

“Do you mind if we leave here so I can chain smoke 'til I throw up so it will be easier to quit?”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead

“He shifted his attention back to me and leaned in closer. “I told you to behave. I don’t want to have to arrest you ever again.”
“Um . . . okay.”
I felt him slide something under my hand. He leaned in even closer, his mouth by my ear, and whispered, “Although I wouldn’t mind handcuffing you.”
Oh. My. God.”
― Robyn Peterman, How Hard Can It Be?

“Life happens whether we are ready or not—the only choice or control we have is whether or not we will rise to meet its challenges.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead

“Her eyes narrowed, but she wasn't yelling.
I think she liked me... kind of. The way a mother would like an annoying spastic two year old who belonged to someone else.”
― Robyn Peterman, Ready to Were

“Crazy didn’t just run in my family . . . it stopped and strolled and hung out.”
― Robyn Peterman, How Hard Can It Be?

“When you die, the only things you leave behind are memories in the minds of those who loved you. That was how you lived on.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead

“jumping up and down like a Mexican jumping bean on crack.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead

“You’re my BFF and I would shred someone’s skin from their body and shove their bones down their dead ass throat for you.”
― Robyn Peterman, Ready to Were

“I was speechless. Rare for me, but if anyone was capable of shocking me to silence, it was my mother.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead

“I figured since I’d arrived in Crazytown, I may as well take off my coat and stay a while.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead

“It takes a while for the heat to work in this piece of shit, but when it kicks in, you’ll sweat like a fat whore at confession.”
― Robyn Peterman, How Hard Can It Be?

“Do not mess with my friends, myself or my Prada.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead

“Ready does not factor into the equation, Angel. Life happens whether we are ready or not—the only choice or control we have is whether or not we will rise to meet its challenges.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead

“Maybe after I saved everyone we could all take a ride on the fucking Ferris wheel…Fuck was now added to my vocabulary. It was an outstanding word that could basically mean just about anything. It could be used as a noun, verb and adverb. It rolled off the tongue with ease and even if you spoke a foreign language it was difficult not to understand fuck off or off you fuck or fuck you.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead in Diapers

“Don't know. Never let a wolf near my neck." He grinned and gave me a quick hug. "I love you, Essie. Before you came into my life, I had considered ending myself. Three hundred years is a long time to be alone. You've given me hope, a career as a drag queen and a dysfunctional family. I am supremely grateful. Bite me."

And because I trusted him....I did.”
― Robyn Peterman, Ready to Were

“Hanks grin almost sent me into meltdown. The kind where I killed him, but first I would stick my tongue down his throat and ride him till he was blind.”
― Robyn Peterman, Ready to Were

“How about Al?” Sam suggested. “Perfect,” Dave grinned. “Um . . . Hi Poseidon, this is Al.” “Al who?” “Al Jacques Yuoff!” Dave snorted, desperately trying not to laugh as Hairy Sam rocked back and forth giggling. “Al Jacques Yuoff?” Poseidon boomed. “You’ll jack me off? Thanks you fat bastard!” Dave shrieked and hung up quickly.”
― Robyn Peterman, Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures

“It was a huge misconception that my father created all the chaos and evil on Earth. Mortals were given free will by my Uncle God, and they created evil all by their lonesome. My dad got to punish the you know what out of those idiots who choose to be heinously bad. And quite honestly some of them deserved my dad’s wrath. He loved his job. Another misconception is that Hell is below and Heaven is above. What does that even mean? Nothing is up or down, that’s just human mythology. Most likely the mistake was made because Hell was occasionally called the Underworld. Hell and Heaven are simply on different planes, accessible through portals. Earth was modeled after a combination of the seasons, climates and terrains of Heaven and Hell. We all shared the same moon and sun and stars.”
― Robyn Peterman, Hell On Heels

“What is she?” I asked him. He paused and considered my question. “She’s a bitch. A horrible, horrible bitch.” He looked down at her and laughed. “But she’s my bitch.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead

“Ethan chuckled and pulled his child close. "However, it might be nice if you gave your Uncle Satan blue skin tomorrow. He would love that."
The gasps in the room were hilarious. My Vampyre was evil to the core…I bit my lip to keep from screaming or laughing. Satan would look awesome as a Smurf. I needed to make sure my phone was charged so I could get some good blackmail shots.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead in Diapers

“Why should it?” I shrugged. “I’m a Demon Princess, my father is Satan, most of my sisters are raging sluts, I have an invisible friend named Blanche and I’ve been in therapy for what feels like half of my life because I’m not evil enough. I’m not sure I’m such a great catch either.”
― Robyn Peterman, Hell On Heels

“Samuel," I said sternly. "You just said some really shitty words. We do not fucking speak like that in this house. Do you understand Mommy?" Samuel giggled hysterically and flipped”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead in Diapers

“Cockmotherhumpershitpissbodoinkeewacker,”
― Robyn Peterman, Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures

“The outside often ends up being a manifestation of what lies within.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead Down Under

“Hooters McHoulihan, let's get the fuck out of here. This G-string is so far up my ass, it's making my brain hurt," Jane grumbled”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead in Diapers

“In actuality, coffee tastes nothing like it smells. Three hundred of the six hundred and thirty-one chemicals that combine to create the wonderful aroma are destroyed by saliva. This causes the flavor to mutate before we swallow it.”
― Robyn Peterman, My Midlife Crisis, My Rules

“If you consume fast food regularly, you eat about twelve pubic hairs a year.”
― Robyn Peterman, A Most Excellent Midlife Crisis

“We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop.”

"Did it taste like poop?" Hank inquired as he quickly pulled into a rest stop filled with church buses.

"Since I don't eat poop," Dima snapped, "I wouldn't know."

"But you do eat people?"

"I do not eat people," she yelled.

"But your people eat people?" I prodded nicely.

"Occasionally," she hissed. "And your people sniff each other's asses when in animal form..."

She had a point - and a foul one at that.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“I think she liked me…kind of. The way a mother would like an annoying spastic two year old who belonged to someone else.”
― Robyn Peterman, Ready to Were