Poop Quotes

“Everybody looks at their poop.”
― Oprah Winfrey

“Pretty bows on a pile of sh$t only make it harder to flush.”
― Kimberly McCreight, A Good Marriage

“I was still a newlywed and certainly wasn't to the point where I felt comfortable yelling, "I'm going to shit my pants any second!"
But the sweating had started, which was followed by the tears. "I'm not feeling well, and need to get home," I told him.
"Ok, but I have to obey the speed limit because of all the kids in the neighborhood," he replied.
I was pleading with him to hurry up when he came to a complete stop.
I screamed at him, "Why are we stopping?"
He rolled down the window. "Retreat."
I could see the flag lowering in the distance, the beautiful orange sun setting behind it.
In the opposite direction I could see the roof line of our home - so close, yet so far away.
As Retreat played, I surrendered. I pooped my pants. I took one for the flag.
Now that's patriotism.”
― Mollie Gross, Confessions of a Military Wife

“I descended the poop”
― Joseph Conrad

“We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop.”

"Did it taste like poop?" Hank inquired as he quickly pulled into a rest stop filled with church buses.

"Since I don't eat poop," Dima snapped, "I wouldn't know."

"But you do eat people?"

"I do not eat people," she yelled.

"But your people eat people?" I prodded nicely.

"Occasionally," she hissed. "And your people sniff each other's asses when in animal form..."

She had a point - and a foul one at that.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“I just pooped out a duck pond. The guy in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom was probably thinking, "What's with all the quacking?”
― Jarod Kintz, Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“When Johnny Depp said he found poop all over his bed, I got embarrassed, thinking my ducks had broken into his house and used his sheets like a garden. But boy was I relieved when he placed the blame on Amber Heard, where it properly belongs.”
― Jarod Kintz, Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world

“Life is nothin but poop, so eat lots of beans.... And prunes”
― Cray jones

“Don’t you just hate it when you step in dog poop? Especially if you’re walking with a friend, and as you smell it and the stench keeps pace with you, you begin to wonder if your friend shit his pants. Thankfully, what comes out of a duck’s anus looks more like coffee, and fills your nostrils like yesterday’s news.”
― Jarod Kintz, One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production

“Starbucks coffee tastes like watery duck poop. I mean it probably does, because it’s not like I’ve ever drank something so gross. But I have tried duck poop.”
― Jarod Kintz, One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production

“Johnny's Sh*temare by Stewart Stafford

Amber did sh*t in Johnny's bed,
She did it while he was sleeping,
Right by Johnny's head.

Stank awake on a mattress lumpy,
He saw what Amber had left him,
A hot, steaming grumpy.

Browned off, he leapt to his feet,
No dogs stained his manhood,
Or crapped on the sheet.

Now he's sued her for defamation,
And they call her Amber Turd,
For her reckless defecation.

© Stewart Stafford, 2022. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“Toilet paper is like an unreliable bridge, you are gonna have to walk across mud valley from time to time.”
― Nuclear Circus, 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat

“Humanure composters can stand under the stars at night gazing at the heavens, and know that, when nature calls, their excretions will not foul the planet.”
― Joseph C. Jenkins, The Humanure Handbook: A Guide to Composting Human Manure

“As any Buddhist monk will tell you, the mind is a monkey. Given a daily routine, it first gets the hang of it, then it gets bored and starts flinging feces. Our simian tenants resent us because nothing changes enough to keep them amused. In protest, they refuse to work at peak primate efficiency.”
― Thomm Quackenbush, Holidays with Bigfoot

“You know your poop is heading in the right direction when you are clean wiping!”
― Steven Magee

“History is always written by the winner and they think their shit don't stink.”
― Sarah Biglow, Lucifer's Emblem

“Toddlers are like the worst inmates. When they're not lying to your face and tearing up your shit, they're napping, pooping, or trying to think of different ways to fuck with you.”
― Karin Slaughter (author)

“Toddlers are like the worst inmates. When they're not lying to your face and tearing up your shit, they're napping, pooping, or trying to think of different ways to fuck with you.”
― Karin Slaughter, The Silent Wife

“There’s a reason Martha Stewart raises chickens and not ducks. Ducks consume a lot of food and water, and it all has to go somewhere. To put it plainly, these fowl produce copious amounts of wet droppings that have a truly unpleasant odor.”
― Cherie Langlois, Ducks: Tending a Small-Scale Flock for Pleasure and Profit

“Are you a clean or dirty wiper?”
― Steven Magee

“Sage advice: No one should disturb a man while he's on the shitter. It's his personal time.”
― Erika M. Weinert, Cursing with Style: A Dicktionary of Expletives

“High doses of vitamin E gave me looser stools!”
― Steven Magee, Pandemic Supplements

“Gastrointestinal issues were commonly reported during COVID-19 infections.”
― Steven Magee, COVID Supplements

“It is not a cleansing poop unless you use the whole toilet roll!”
― Steven Magee

“The best poops clean wipe!”
― Steven Magee

“The best cheeses taste like poop!”
― Steven Magee

“As I teased, I smelled the faintest waft of shit coming up from underneath her. It smelled like fertile heaven: peat moss, soil, sod, loam. It smelled good because it was her. She had a perfume, and this was her base note.”
― Melissa Broder, Milk Fed

“If you are ever locked up by the government, you may end up sleeping on the floor next to a non-functional toilet that is leaking fecal matter!”
― Steven Magee

“Do you want some chocolate? I got M&M's--"

"What? Why would I want chocolate?"

"It cheers people up." Hollywood took out a plastic baggie full of bright and cheerful little UFOs. "Here--"

V batted the calories away. "Yeah, you can fuck off with that."

“Why? It has that chemical that simulates the feeling of falling in love.” Rhage opened the bag’s top. “Fritz puts them in a Ziploc for me because sometimes the regular packaging breaks open when I’m in the field. I hate chocolate in pockets, all melty. It’s like putting your hand in poop—”

“Oh, my fucking God, please stop talking—”

“—except you can eat it, of course.”
― J.R. Ward, The Wolf

“My Watch Is Ended.”
― John Snow, Cholera