John Mulaney > Quotes

“Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone, and I’ll be like ‘Yeah, I’ve been really lonely lately’ and they’ll be like ‘Well we should hang out!’ and I’m like ‘No, that’s not what I meant. That’s not what I meant at all.”
― John Mulaney

“It's strange sometimes, you know, like I'm doing great. But when I'm alone, I'm with the person that tried to kill me. Sometimes I walk past a mirror, I'm like, 'Oh great, this fucking guy again. Jesus.' That is kind of a creepy feeling sometimes, but it's also a nice feeling. It gives me a strange kind of confidence sometimes. 'Cause, like, look, I... I used to care what everyone thought about me... so much. It was all I cared about. All I cared about was what other people thought of me. And I don't anymore. And I don't because I can honestly say: What is someone going to do to me that's worse than what I would do to myself? What, are you going to cancel John Mulaney? I'll kill him. I almost did.”
― John Mulaney

“Traveling can get kind of lonely sometimes, er… no, not traveling. What is the word? Life. Life can get kind of lonely.”
― John Mulaney

“And then I go over to the Delta Help Desk, which is an oxymoron, and I go, "Can I please go home on an airplane?" and they go "No! In fact, we"re gonna frame you for murder, and you're gonna go to jail for thirty years!"
And I go, "Why are you doing this to me?!"
And they go, "Because we're Delta Airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare!”
― John Mulaney

“In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”
― John Mulaney

“I don’t know what my body is for other than taking my head from room to room.”
― John Mulaney

“My vibe is like, hey, you could probably pour soup in my lap, and I'll apologise to you.”
― John Mulaney

“I don’t know what my body is for other than taking my head from room to room”
― John Mulaney

“There is a horse, LOOSE in the hospital”
― John Mulaney, New In Town

“[groans] you know, life.”
― John Mulaney