Steven LaVey > Quotes

“Why I Like Being Baldy

• Never have to pay for a haircut
• No need for styling
• The birds love it
• You can get together with a fellow baldy and pretend to be a pair of tits
• You can pretend to be Ming the Merciless, Emperor of the Galaxy, with more conviction than people with hair
• It makes you look hard
• Richard O’Brien
• You can draw a line down the middle of your head and pretend to be a cock
• A hat will always fit
• No dickies
• Save money on Shampoo
• Time saver should you wish to become ordained into an order of Buddhist monks

Why I Don’t Like Being Baldy

• Can never make a balloon static to entertain a child
• Might get mistaken for Ross Kemp
• Lack of hair”
― Steven LaVey, Shorts

“Time and space travel is easily achievable using tape. The physicality of the recordings allow us to jaunt to any location and time. There isn’t enough scope for arbitrary and random interjections with digital recordings. There must be an unconscious input from the recorder to traverse the cosmos.”
― Steven LaVey, Shorts

“As we sat writing down silly answers to the questions at the quiz, I noticed how much Dan had changed since his split with Lisa. It was nice to see him off the lead for once in his life and he had gone from being conservatively wild to a fucking maniac. Off his face would often transform into a bizarre orang-utan type creature. I once watched as he went round and round a table in Trillians like an ape with a glazed look in his eyes. He reminded me of Clyde from the film Every Which Way but Loose.”
― Steven LaVey, The Ugly Spirit

“Time jumps on speed, it cuts you out of the frame you are in and pastes you somewhere else without you knowing it. Speed is time travel, it is the dust of flux, and it flips you from jagged moment to moment. I had been dancing solidly for hours. It seemed like minutes. Bodies on the dance floor colliding into each other, the smell of sweat, hands twitching, my teeth gnawing my lip... In my mind, I was at a black mass, dancing a primitive, raw, tribal offering to some demon in another dimension, waiting for it to possess me... In reality, I looked like one of those people who do sign language in the corner of TV programmes for the deaf”
― Steven LaVey, The Ugly Spirit

“There’s a giant homosexual squid downtown wearing a smoking jacket and monocle. He’s destroyed half the dock and the Mayfair Hotel!’ the cop said to Mr. Google.”
― Steven LaVey, Shorts

“The sentiment Never Promise Anyone Forever, as I understood it, was a Celtic/Pagan wedding vow that was in opposition to the Catholic idea that two people unite until death. Never Promise Anyone Forever meant only remaining wed while there was love in the relationship. Dan, however, took it literally and (much to his amusement) all of his future girlfriends hated it.”
― Steven LaVey, The Ugly Spirit

“On speed, my mouth is a machine and my body is a limitless supply of social energy that shoots out around me, drawing people in like moons sucked in by the gravitational pull of a planet. Once I was on that dance floor in Legends it didn’t matter what was playing, I was moving, shouting, screaming... I acted, thought, felt, and experienced everything with an electric edge. I talked to all and sundry, jabbering incoherent nonsense, reeling off a tsunami of words thrown together from the intoxicated bubbling flood of my brain.”
― Steven LaVey, The Ugly Spirit

“Science n’ Shit in a Hip-Hop Style with Stephen Hawking

(Kick-snare, kick-kick snare).

‘Let me tell you my plan for the human race, well I would but I can’t,
‘Cos I can’t move me face,
So my computerised voice is how I’ll go,
I type with me eye to keep the flow
We’re all gonna go live in outer space
Where zero gravity will stop me dribbling all over the place
I’ll tell y’all how I’ll get there:
With some rockets built into me special wheel chair
The moons of Jupiter, in perfect animation
We’ll all live in a huge space station
I’ll be able to dance and chase all the fanny
And finally get me end away with me nanny.’

Science n’ Shit in a Hip-Hop Style with Stephen Hawking II

‘From the moons of Ganymede, Io & Titan,
I’ll tell y’all somethin’ that’s sure to enlighten
In space, there are galaxies nebula & stars
And dying suns that are going super no-va
But no anomalies can compare,
To how much I wanna run my fingers through your hair
Sir Patrick Moore, a true space oracle,
With your knowledge of cheats and gorgeous monocle
I’m coming out as gay, and I don’t give a hoot
I’m the first fuckin’ vegetable that turned into a fruit
Word.”
― Steven LaVey, Shorts

“For all I made out that sex was simply a carnal act, it was in fact, much more. I found it, like lots of my experiences, transcendental. Sex, drugs, certain types of music, art, literature and philosophy... all these things take the animal in me and intensify my true bestial nature...”
― Steven LaVey, The Ugly Spirit

“...Layers of dirt heaped upon layers of old dirt- under a mountain I can’t breathe or think or react, except to erupt...”
― Steven LaVey, The Ugly Spirit

“If the human race ever wishes to master time travel then the answer is through chemical and not mechanical means. Speed is time travel. It will pilfer away at the space-time around you without your consent, propelling you forward through time. The human body is a vehicle of flux. It is exhilarating to move rhythmically, pulsing, stepping through pockets of your existence in fluid motions.
The time that speed steals from you, it gives back with interest, cold and hard on a Monday morning. It brings with it a terrifying despair that creeps upon you. It is a black, slow-motion suicide. The ceiling begins to drip and ooze grey-brown sludge. Aural hallucinations, the demons of psychosis, speak wordless words of pure dread...
Sometimes I would laugh and giggle hysterically at inane nonsensical stories that would play out in my mind. I would watch them unfold, like a lucid dream, weird images, Boschian forms, twisted nightmares...
And I would weep. I would weep for nothing with salty tears, rivers of anguish and existential pain running down my face, dripping quietly onto the carpet. Day after day, I would unravel myself, dissect, and analyse my life over and over until I was exhausted and insane.
Speed is not an insightful drug. It will not delude you into a false sense of spirituality like hallucinogens. It is the aftermath and the come down from speed that will rip open your ego and show you the bare, horrible bones of yourself. It will open the beautiful black doorway inside you and it will show you nothing. Through the darkness of internal isolation, the amphetamine comedown will show you no god, no spirituality, no soul, just your own perishable flesh, and your own animal self-preservation. It will show you clearly just how ugly you really are inside. In the emptiness of yourself, there is only the knowledge of your eventual death.
When you have truly faced yourself and recognised yourself as purely animal then you become liberated from the societal pretence that you are above or better than any other creature. You are a human animal. You are naturally motivated to be selfish. Everything you do, every act you partake of, is in its essence an act of survival. No act of the human-animal happens without the satisfaction of the ego’s position in existence…”
― Steven LaVey, The Ugly Spirit