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Alan Garner

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in New York City, The United States
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I teach these skills because I once needed to learn them- and nobody was there to help me.  I had no friends, was not at all socially confident, was wandering around Europe after having dropped out of UCLA because of loneliness and depression. 

One day I stumbled upon an article about some universities which were teaching conversation skills to groups like men who never date, women who have no friends, and couples who seldom talk to each other.  After learning these skills, the men, women and couples all did considerably better.

I was intrigued, and made it a point to learn these skills upon my return.  Much to my amazement, they  worked!  It was as though I'd been trying to drink soup with a fork or cut a steak with a spoon- the wrong tools.
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Alan Garner I think what is happening in America right now is a horror story. Trump lies about believing he really won the election and many millions of people be…moreI think what is happening in America right now is a horror story. Trump lies about believing he really won the election and many millions of people believe him. They send him money and don't believe in democracy anymore because they are sure it has cheated them. They join top the teal or MAGA. Also, I think what Republican legislators are doing to make it hard to vote or to have your vote counted is a great threat to democracy. There are fewer Republicans today, and so they have decided that in order to stay in office, they have to find ways to make it hard for Democrats to vote. They send notices to people who have names similar to Democrats (especially Blacks) who have been convicted of a felony and ask them to come in and get a DNA and a background check so they can be sure they are legally eligible to vote and have not committed a crime they have not been convicted of yet. So if Robert Jones is the felon, they will send letters to Robert P. Jones and to Robert F. Jones. And to 50 or 500 others with similar names. And guess what? None of those people are going to come in to have their DNA checked to see if they have possibly committed a crime they have not been convicted of. I wouldn't come in either if I got such a notice- and you wouldn't either. Because it's always possible that you will end up getting a false positive on your test and they will put you in jail. I believe this is how Bush won Florida. There were far more voters for Gore, but they didn't vote. they didn't show up to get a thorough going over and they just never voted again. You or I would do the same. As it turned out, the Supreme Court put aa stop to the counting of the ballots anyway and declared Bush the winner of Florida and thus the Presidency. There are many other ways the Republicans are reducing the Democratic turnout. They are reducing the hours when voting booths are open so minorities are unable to vote (say they cut out noontime voting. Lots of minorities don't have any other time when they would be able to vote. Or many Black churchgoers always used to have a bus which brought them to vote on Sundays after church. So the Republicans would cancel Sunday voting. Or they stop voting by mail, which is a way many minorities found they could vote. Or they gerrymander a district, so some huge majority of a minority will win in one district, but their side will win by just a little in 5 or 6 other districts. These tricks work and will keep them in office for many more years than they would if there were honest voting. But this trickery makes people cynical and bitter- and they should be cynical and bitter. Eventually, there will be so few Republicans that they will be unable to keep themselves in office, but that may be some years from now.(less)
Alan Garner Thailand is strange enough for me. People here are uncommonly kind. And even if you're poor here- you're rich! My mansion has 3 bedrooms, a huge game …moreThailand is strange enough for me. People here are uncommonly kind. And even if you're poor here- you're rich! My mansion has 3 bedrooms, a huge game room, 5 types of granite floors from different parts of the world, a separate kitchen as Thai food is pungent- and it cost me all of $60,000 to build (would probably be 80+ today, but millions in Florida or California. We have the most wonderful woman who used to be homeless as our maid, and her salary is $300 a month, an average salary. She comes in at 6 am and leaves at 5 pm to go to her $80 a month apartment down the street. Also, this is the only country in the world where women literally don't care about age differences. They're taught to respect age. My darling wife is unusual in that she's almost my age- just 19 years younger. And Thailand is the most fun of any country I've even been to. The smiles you see all over are real.(less)
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Yes, I'm Alan Francis, but I'm really Alan Francis Garner. As Alan Francis, I'm best known as the co-author of the blank book Everything Men Know about Women. Also wrote Sex after 40, 50, 60 and others. As Alan Garner, I'm the author of Conversationa ...more
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More of Alan Garner, author, “The 16% Solution” ’endorsed by “ Rich Dad, Poor Dad” author. How to safely double your passive income.'s books…
Quotes by Alan Garner  (?)
Quotes are added by the Goodreads community and are not verified by Goodreads. (Learn more)

“Get a Dual Perspective
"Having a dual perspective means thinking not just in terms of what you want to say and hear but also in terms of the other person’s interests."
- Conversationally Speaking, page 9
A dual perspective requires humility. Humility is to consider others better than yourself. Humble people ask questions like, “How can I benefit this person?” or “How can I empathize with this person’s feelings?” People ought to consider their conversation partner’s interests and seek every way to cater your words to their betterment.

Here’s a practical way to accentuate a dual perspective… Ask the other person what activities interest him/her and find an activity you both enjoy. Seek to benefit the other person and then look for mutual benefit. For instance, your acquaintance expresses his interest in golf, theatre, and investing to you. If you despise theatre and investing, talk about golf. Common interests fuel conversation. If all the activities your conversation partner enjoys are boring to you, suck it up. Practice humility and engage in their interests. You may learn something new! Not every conversation will provide mutual benefit and not every conversation should provide mutual benefit. Even still, you should always seek this mutual outcome. Conversation requires engagement from two parties. The quicker you arrive at a topic you both enjoy, the easier it is to continue conversation. This dual perspective mindset initially benefits others and will normally reciprocate benefit to you.”
Alan Garner

“Be Specific. Be Direct.
"The most common way to express admiration is to deliver a direct positive. This type of compliment tells people in a straightforward manner what it is you appreciate about their behavior, appearance, and possessions."
- Conversationally Speaking, page 23
Stop speaking vague and general words. Tell others exactly what you like about them. Be specific and be direct. Instead of saying, “I like your shoes”, try this: “Bob, those tan loafers go well with your khaki pants”. Bob would most likely enjoy the second statement because it is thoughtful and observant. People want to be recognized in a genuine, specific way.

Providing details and specifics naturally improves your credibility. It’s easy to say, “I like your shoes”, but more challenging to add context to such an opinion. If you improve awareness and strive to be specific, there should be no issue in bringing heartfelt value to another person. Consequently, others will enjoy conversing with you.

Additionally, being direct and specific encourages good behavior. Whether it is a complement or reprimand, the listener must clearly understand the sender’s message in order to respond appropriately. This skill develops with premeditation and practice. You should mentally plan and role-play scenarios, and always search for those small opportunities to speak openly.”
Alan Garner

“Ask Questions
"Ask questions, show interest in the response you receive, and then attempt to link those responses to your own knowledge and experience"
- Conversationally Speaking, page 58
Ask questions. Lots of them! Actually, don’t ask too many questions. Questions are simply a means to enter conversation. You should ask questions that promote conversation. Don’t ask just any type of question if your goal is to encourage conversation. Yes/No questions are typically starter questions that should quickly dissolve. Open-ended questions are normally the way to go! Instead of starting sentences with “Who” or “When”, try “How” or “Why”. If conversation stops, either leave or ask an open-ended question.

Try to stay away from cliché questions because they generally elicit cliché answers. There is such a thing as an open-ended question that is too open and cliché. For example, Americans like to respond “Pretty good” or “Not bad” to the question “How’d it go today?” Also, stay away from initially asking difficult questions. In an effort to make your conversation partner comfortable, ask a simple question that they should obviously know.

Questions are a crucial instrument to equip a person for a good conversation. The right question will help you maneuver through any conversational cross-point and is a genuine way to connect with others. Once you ask a question, listen actively! When it’s your turn to respond, try to express their reality using your own words. Asking questions ought to benefit your conversation partner as you intend to give them an opportunity to speak. Use questions liberally and wisely.

Take the dual perspective, be specific and direct, and ask good questions. Seek every opportunity to benefit your conversation partner as you express genuine interest in them. Conversational speaking is a skill. You must practice every day. Try focusing on one element of communication at a time. Perhaps this week, do all possible to handle criticism constructively by asking for details and agreeing with the truth. Next week, intentionally practice another aspect of communication. Opportunity awaits us every day. We just need to engage and enjoy every occasion.”
Alan Garner, Conversationally Speaking: Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness

“Shoot for the moon- and if you don't get what you want, you'll still be among the stars. By making big plans and working for them, you change. You become somebody else. So even if you fail and don't get what you planned, you're somebody else. You'll say, "That's ok, I'll go do this other terrific thing.”
Les Brown

“Get a Dual Perspective
"Having a dual perspective means thinking not just in terms of what you want to say and hear but also in terms of the other person’s interests."
- Conversationally Speaking, page 9
A dual perspective requires humility. Humility is to consider others better than yourself. Humble people ask questions like, “How can I benefit this person?” or “How can I empathize with this person’s feelings?” People ought to consider their conversation partner’s interests and seek every way to cater your words to their betterment.

Here’s a practical way to accentuate a dual perspective… Ask the other person what activities interest him/her and find an activity you both enjoy. Seek to benefit the other person and then look for mutual benefit. For instance, your acquaintance expresses his interest in golf, theatre, and investing to you. If you despise theatre and investing, talk about golf. Common interests fuel conversation. If all the activities your conversation partner enjoys are boring to you, suck it up. Practice humility and engage in their interests. You may learn something new! Not every conversation will provide mutual benefit and not every conversation should provide mutual benefit. Even still, you should always seek this mutual outcome. Conversation requires engagement from two parties. The quicker you arrive at a topic you both enjoy, the easier it is to continue conversation. This dual perspective mindset initially benefits others and will normally reciprocate benefit to you.”
Alan Garner

“Be Specific. Be Direct.
"The most common way to express admiration is to deliver a direct positive. This type of compliment tells people in a straightforward manner what it is you appreciate about their behavior, appearance, and possessions."
- Conversationally Speaking, page 23
Stop speaking vague and general words. Tell others exactly what you like about them. Be specific and be direct. Instead of saying, “I like your shoes”, try this: “Bob, those tan loafers go well with your khaki pants”. Bob would most likely enjoy the second statement because it is thoughtful and observant. People want to be recognized in a genuine, specific way.

Providing details and specifics naturally improves your credibility. It’s easy to say, “I like your shoes”, but more challenging to add context to such an opinion. If you improve awareness and strive to be specific, there should be no issue in bringing heartfelt value to another person. Consequently, others will enjoy conversing with you.

Additionally, being direct and specific encourages good behavior. Whether it is a complement or reprimand, the listener must clearly understand the sender’s message in order to respond appropriately. This skill develops with premeditation and practice. You should mentally plan and role-play scenarios, and always search for those small opportunities to speak openly.”
Alan Garner

“Ask Questions
"Ask questions, show interest in the response you receive, and then attempt to link those responses to your own knowledge and experience"
- Conversationally Speaking, page 58
Ask questions. Lots of them! Actually, don’t ask too many questions. Questions are simply a means to enter conversation. You should ask questions that promote conversation. Don’t ask just any type of question if your goal is to encourage conversation. Yes/No questions are typically starter questions that should quickly dissolve. Open-ended questions are normally the way to go! Instead of starting sentences with “Who” or “When”, try “How” or “Why”. If conversation stops, either leave or ask an open-ended question.

Try to stay away from cliché questions because they generally elicit cliché answers. There is such a thing as an open-ended question that is too open and cliché. For example, Americans like to respond “Pretty good” or “Not bad” to the question “How’d it go today?” Also, stay away from initially asking difficult questions. In an effort to make your conversation partner comfortable, ask a simple question that they should obviously know.

Questions are a crucial instrument to equip a person for a good conversation. The right question will help you maneuver through any conversational cross-point and is a genuine way to connect with others. Once you ask a question, listen actively! When it’s your turn to respond, try to express their reality using your own words. Asking questions ought to benefit your conversation partner as you intend to give them an opportunity to speak. Use questions liberally and wisely.

Take the dual perspective, be specific and direct, and ask good questions. Seek every opportunity to benefit your conversation partner as you express genuine interest in them. Conversational speaking is a skill. You must practice every day. Try focusing on one element of communication at a time. Perhaps this week, do all possible to handle criticism constructively by asking for details and agreeing with the truth. Next week, intentionally practice another aspect of communication. Opportunity awaits us every day. We just need to engage and enjoy every occasion.”
Alan Garner, Conversationally Speaking: Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness

“She was made up of more, too. She was the books she read in the library. She was the flower in the brown bowl. Part of her life was made from the tree growing rankly in the yard. She was the bitter quarrels she had with her brother whom she loved dearly. She was Katie's secret, despairing weeping. She was the shame of her father stumbling home drunk. She was all of these things and of something more...It was what God or whatever is His equivalent puts into each soul that is given life - the one different thing such as that which makes no two fingerprints on the face of the earth alike.”
Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

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