Dolores Derrian's Blog

Undressing in front of someone for the first time is a vulnerable moment, indeed it can be rather scary. Especially with stretch marks and not quite so perky boobs after a couple of pregnancies, and add to that bit of extra weight gathered over the last decade.

I know my husband is attracted to me, he calls my stretch marks “tiger stripes” which sounds cool and positive, although to be honest I would much rather do without them. As comfortable as I have become with my post-pregnancy body, deep down I miss my old body.

My husband and I live an open relationship, on my initiative, and when my youngest child was one year old, I ventured out to explore my sexual boundaries with new partners. By and large I was very comfortable with my body, I knew it was capable of great things, including producing two beautiful children. But I also struggled wearing a bikini in the beginning, and I suppose a part of me was embarrassed about my belly.

However, I still had no doubt that I wanted to explore sex with other people, I had this desire for adventure, for fun and games. Being a wife and a mother of two young kids was not enough for me somehow. I needed more and I opened up a profile on a sleazy dating/sex site, the first one I found as I googled “sex dating” or something equally shallow and horrific. I put up a couple of anonymous photos without my face on it, described my situation and what I was looking for, and I was inundated with messages – even before the photos and the text had been approved! The sheer number of men looking for more or less meaningless sex surprised me. Some had full profiles with descriptions of interests and face photos. Others had empty profiles with a photo of their most beloved body part, which in all honesty really never interested me - to me cocks just are not particularly photogenic. Some wrote long, personalised messages, others had obviously copy-pasted a long introductory message, and others again went straight to the point with a “Wanna fuck this evening?” or “You look like you need my 8 inch dick up your arse”. Within those first weeks I easily received hundreds of messages, I could not tell one cock photo from another by the end of the first day. But I was dedicated, I knew I wanted to get out there, so I started to compile an excel list of the most suitable males, I used their nicks and entered a little note about them that distinguished them from one another and I started to respond.

The next couple of months are a bit of a blur to me. I was in a frenzy to explore new things, it was like being hungry and thirsty and having a huge buffet of delicacies and delicious wines to feast yourself on. Except, it was not all delicious and some of the wines were corked or even downright piss poor. Now, in these first months not one of the men I met seemed bothered by my body (the ones I shared it with intimately), and I came to realise that, really, sex and intimacy are about much more than our physical aspect. I was still very capable of sharing hot moments and delicious sex!

Then one day I saw a profile of a nice looking guy. He was super cute, his photos showed that he was well travelled and he looked delicious in a Hawaii shirt, not everyone can pull that off! So I wrote him and we met for a coffee. He was just as cute in real life, fun-loving, young and with a perfect set of pearly white teeth and luscious lips. We agreed to meet at his place next time. I had come to a stage where I was really comfortable in my own skin. I was even back in bikinis after the break in one-piece swim suits. But when I got undressed in front of young Mr. Pearly Whites, I could tell immediately that it bothered him, though he tried very hard to not let it show, but it certainly was not what he had been hoping for. I decided to not let it affect me and despite this little hiccup, he was young and virile so it did not cause any trouble. We had rough sex as we had been talking about. He was wild and uninhibited, fit and strong.

As we lay in a pile of sweaty limbs after the sex, he asked me how it had been for me and what I would like to try to do with him next time. We chatted a bit and then we showered together. I felt a bit self-conscious because I could sense that he did not really like my body the way that it was, but I tried to push the discomfort aside. I had had a nice time, he seemed to have enjoyed himself and he had already talked about a next time.

That evening I sent him a text message to thank him for a fun time, to which he never responded and I realised that he had blocked me on the dating site. What a coward who did not have the decency to 1) not mention a next time if that is how he felt and 2) not even reply to my message. If he taught me anything it was to at least always tell someone no thanks, if that is how you feel. And at times, if I am going to meet a younger guy, I might give him a heads up about my post pregnancy body, just to not have any bad surprises on a first sex date.

I know now that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I have come to embrace my body fully, although it has taken me a few years. It has been all about positive thinking, affirming the things that I do like about my body and thinking about the parts I do not like so much in a friendly, non-judgemental manner. With practice it becomes easier.

So my husband and I opened up our marriage (please see previous post for more detail), and I was out exploring my sexual self with different partners. Many people do not understand why you would open up your marriage, because it involves the risk of meeting someone you fall in love with, and then your marriage is ruined.

Or is it? WHY exactly does falling in love with someone else mean that your marriage is ruined? Because we are taught that we should only love one person romantically, preferably effortlessly and for all eternity, but failing that, at least just one at a time. We are taught that we are only capable of being romantically involved with one person (at a time), and if we fall in love with someone else then we no longer love our first partner.

I would like to challenge this thought pattern!

I know for a fact that it simply is not true for many of us. We are capable of much more love than we allow ourselves and each other to feel. I will compare it to having children. Having the second (or third, fourth, etc.) child does in no way diminish the love you feel for your oldest child. There is just more love, I am sure we can all agree. Why should romantic love be any different?!? I don’t get it…

I fell in love outside my marriage. I remember being overwhelmed, scared and nervous. But mostly confused, because I knew beyond any doubt that I still loved my husband to bits, I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I loved our sex life, his sense of humour. He is an amazing dad to our two children! And yet I was in love with someone else too. There was no denying it.

I have never had to hide anything from my husband, so when I fell in love I told him about it. I told him I was scared and uncertain. That I still loved him. And then I started reading about it online. I read and I read and I read. And when I came upon the term ‘polyamory’ it all made sense to me in all of a sudden. I felt love for more than one person. Love is not bad! Love is good! Lying is bad, hiding is bad, denying parts of yourself is bad. But loving is inherently good. And just knowing that the term polyamory existed made me rest at ease knowing that I could be in love with two people at the same time and that it was by no means a bad thing!

I would like to put the idea in your head right now, that the only reason you think falling in love with someone else will ruin your marriage is because you have been taught that it will ruin your marriage. Or because your marriage is already in ruins, maybe, but don’t blame that on the fact that you fell in love with someone else; blame that on whatever is going on between you and your spouse.

We are so capable of feeling love, we are hardwired to connect with other humans. We fall in love with others throughout our lives, many of us do anyway, and some relationships are meant to last a lifetime, others are not. That does not mean that one type of relationship is necessarily less authentic than another. A lifetime relationship involving raising children and paying a mortgage has a certain depth that an intense relationship spanning a few months does not. But both have their qualities, they bring different things to our lives. They enrich us and teach us valuable lessons. And they make us feel alive.

What I like about polyamory is that you do not have to leave one partner simply because you fall in love with someone else. You stay with your partner when that relationship stems from a good place because you make one another happy, and you leave your partner when your reasons to stay together aren’t positive anymore. Opening up makes you able to take a clear look at your relationship and make an informed choice to stay – not just because it is easier, or because you are afraid to be on your own, or whatever your reason might be. You stay because you love him/her. Giving someone else that freedom to objectively form an opinion about your relationship is scary, no doubt! But when they choose to stay, you know it is a conscious choice out of love, and that is priceless.

When my husband gave me the freedom to go explore with this other man, that is when I realised how much I loved him. It made me respect him even more and I felt infinitely grateful.

The fact that my crush did not share my feelings, that my love was unrequited and ended up hurting like hell, now that is another story…

It has been about three years since I popped this question to my husband; we had been together for eight. I had just stopped breastfeeding my youngest child and had finally gotten my body back post pregnancy. It was not that I was bored with the sex at home. I think it was more about the fact that I have always loved connecting intimately with people. I love exploring, trying new things, and pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

I can imagine that for a lot of people having their partner make this suggestion will be scary and confusing, maybe even insulting. Many, many people have been cheated on and lied to in relationships, so trusting someone enough to open up might feel uncomfortable to them, possibly even frightening. Some people are truly just monogamous and do not wish to see others, for them it might be hard to understand why a partner would want more. They might feel insufficient, inadequate, undesirable and perhaps even unlovable.

In my case nothing was further from the truth. I loved my husband, our life together, our sex life (which was just coming back to life after a slump during pregnancy and breastfeeding and the early months with a baby who slept like shit and had my husband move into the guest room for months and months.) My desire to see other men was not based on a lack at home; it was not about escaping my marriage. It was more about… I do not know. It was more about a lust for life, I suppose. That... and the undeniable fact that I love sex.


I was nervous as I considered asking him, I did not know what he would say. On the other hand we have always been open sexually, we have experimented and been free to let ourselves go in that area without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. We had had threesomes together and been to a sex club once or twice, so by all means, we were liberal and more open-minded than your average couple, I assume.

We had always explored these things together as a couple, though, so I was not sure how he would react to my wanting to explore on my own, but when I told him that maybe I would perhaps some time in the future possibly like to try something on my own with someone else maybe, he was completely ok with the idea and said “Yeah sure, just make sure you always practice safe sex.” I was a little surprised that he was so blasé about it, but in reality it did not shock me. As it turns out, there is not a jealous bone in his body – which is probably partly why I married him, as jealousy was one thing I could never live within a partner.

And that is how we opened up our marriage.

I know that few people will be as chilled about a partner suggesting this, so you need to realize that it is really all about communication, communication, communication. You might be shocked when your partner makes this suggestion and it important that you two talk about everything that troubles you. Be open and honest – first of all to yourself! Pinpoint whatever it is that feels wrong or difficult. Write it down so your ideas solidify somehow and feel more real. When your worries are just abstract ideas in your head, it might be more difficult to vocalize them to your partner. If something concerns you, it is real to you, even if your partner might not understand why that particular thing worries you. And your partner has the responsibility to respect you.

When I asked to have sex with other men, I took it upon myself to be extra aware of showing my husband that I loved him, appreciated him and our life together, and I appreciated the faith he had in me, in himself and in us. When he let me go explore, that is when I realized how much he loved me, and it made me love him all the more deeply.

I never understood why jealousy was an indication of how much you love someone, or why the lack of jealousy was seen as a lack of love. I love my husband deeply, I respect him – but I still do not experience jealousy when he goes out and explores with other people. I feel what is called ‘compersion’, the opposite to jealousy if you want, a feeling of joy when he is involved with others. And whereas I realize that a lot of people struggle with jealousy, I also know that it something you can work on, it is something you can live with, if not get over. The first step is being aware of your jealousy. The second is wanting to do something about it.

Wanting to open up our relationship was not because I was unfulfilled at home! It was an appetite for life that I was not interested in suppressing. Indeed, I feel blessed with hunger. And being let free to go explore made me love and respect my husband more than ever.