Undressing in front of someone for the first time is a vulnerable moment, indeed it can be rather scary. Especially with stretch marks and not quite so perky boobs after a couple of pregnancies, and add to that bit of extra weight gathered over the last decade.

I know my husband is attracted to me, he calls my stretch marks “tiger stripes” which sounds cool and positive, although to be honest I would much rather do without them. As comfortable as I have become with my post-pregnancy body, deep down I miss my old body.

My husband and I live an open relationship, on my initiative, and when my youngest child was one year old, I ventured out to explore my sexual boundaries with new partners. By and large I was very comfortable with my body, I knew it was capable of great things, including producing two beautiful children. But I also struggled wearing a bikini in the beginning, and I suppose a part of me was embarrassed about my belly.

However, I still had no doubt that I wanted to explore sex with other people, I had this desire for adventure, for fun and games. Being a wife and a mother of two young kids was not enough for me somehow. I needed more and I opened up a profile on a sleazy dating/sex site, the first one I found as I googled “sex dating” or something equally shallow and horrific. I put up a couple of anonymous photos without my face on it, described my situation and what I was looking for, and I was inundated with messages – even before the photos and the text had been approved! The sheer number of men looking for more or less meaningless sex surprised me. Some had full profiles with descriptions of interests and face photos. Others had empty profiles with a photo of their most beloved body part, which in all honesty really never interested me - to me cocks just are not particularly photogenic. Some wrote long, personalised messages, others had obviously copy-pasted a long introductory message, and others again went straight to the point with a “Wanna fuck this evening?” or “You look like you need my 8 inch dick up your arse”. Within those first weeks I easily received hundreds of messages, I could not tell one cock photo from another by the end of the first day. But I was dedicated, I knew I wanted to get out there, so I started to compile an excel list of the most suitable males, I used their nicks and entered a little note about them that distinguished them from one another and I started to respond.

The next couple of months are a bit of a blur to me. I was in a frenzy to explore new things, it was like being hungry and thirsty and having a huge buffet of delicacies and delicious wines to feast yourself on. Except, it was not all delicious and some of the wines were corked or even downright piss poor. Now, in these first months not one of the men I met seemed bothered by my body (the ones I shared it with intimately), and I came to realise that, really, sex and intimacy are about much more than our physical aspect. I was still very capable of sharing hot moments and delicious sex!

Then one day I saw a profile of a nice looking guy. He was super cute, his photos showed that he was well travelled and he looked delicious in a Hawaii shirt, not everyone can pull that off! So I wrote him and we met for a coffee. He was just as cute in real life, fun-loving, young and with a perfect set of pearly white teeth and luscious lips. We agreed to meet at his place next time. I had come to a stage where I was really comfortable in my own skin. I was even back in bikinis after the break in one-piece swim suits. But when I got undressed in front of young Mr. Pearly Whites, I could tell immediately that it bothered him, though he tried very hard to not let it show, but it certainly was not what he had been hoping for. I decided to not let it affect me and despite this little hiccup, he was young and virile so it did not cause any trouble. We had rough sex as we had been talking about. He was wild and uninhibited, fit and strong.

As we lay in a pile of sweaty limbs after the sex, he asked me how it had been for me and what I would like to try to do with him next time. We chatted a bit and then we showered together. I felt a bit self-conscious because I could sense that he did not really like my body the way that it was, but I tried to push the discomfort aside. I had had a nice time, he seemed to have enjoyed himself and he had already talked about a next time.

That evening I sent him a text message to thank him for a fun time, to which he never responded and I realised that he had blocked me on the dating site. What a coward who did not have the decency to 1) not mention a next time if that is how he felt and 2) not even reply to my message. If he taught me anything it was to at least always tell someone no thanks, if that is how you feel. And at times, if I am going to meet a younger guy, I might give him a heads up about my post pregnancy body, just to not have any bad surprises on a first sex date.

I know now that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I have come to embrace my body fully, although it has taken me a few years. It has been all about positive thinking, affirming the things that I do like about my body and thinking about the parts I do not like so much in a friendly, non-judgemental manner. With practice it becomes easier.