Katherine Fabrizio's Blog

Good Girl Conditioning in Action  When I was nine, I could sense my mom’s bad mood before she even said a word. Her footsteps were heavier, her sighs louder. The air in the house felt sharp, like walking barefoot on broken glass. I didn’t know what had gone wrong that day, but I knew it was my job to fix it. I set the table perfectly—folded napkins, straight silverware—hoping she’d notice. When she didn’t, I asked if I could help with dinner. She waved me off with a dismissive “Not now.” I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried harder: being quiet, being helpful, being invisible. That night, as I overheard her complaining to my dad about how stressful her day was, I thought, If only I’d done more, maybe she’d be happy. If you’ve lived your life hyper-aware of your mother’s emotions, working tirelessly to soothe her moods while neglecting your own, you understand the weight of Good Daughter Syndrome. It’s a silent, relentless burden: anticipating her needs, smoothing over conflicts, and never quite feeling like you’re enough. The Roots of “Good Girl” Conditioning Girls are often taught—both subtly and overtly—to be “good.” This means being kind, selfless, […]

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At the end of this article, you will be able to tell if you suffer from the long lasting effects/symptoms of being a daughter of a covert narcissistic mother… or one high in covert narcissistic traits. Before we get to the symptoms of daughters of covert narcissistic mothers,  let’s begin with a description of the difference between an overt narcissistic mother and a covert narcissistic mother. (If you need a refresher, I’ve gone into great detail describing what constitutes a covert narcissistic mother here.) Here, I will quickly summarize the outstanding characteristics and how they differ so that you can better understand where your particular mother is coming from so that you can free yourself from her psychological grip. The basic difference between an OVERT and a COVERT narcissistic mother Your typical overt narcissistic mother is easy to spot. She talks nonstop about herself, is openly critical, thinks she is the best at everything, and makes sure everyone knows it. As obnoxious as she can be, you can see her coming a mile away. The covert narcissistic mother has more of a velvet-gloved iron fist. More typically, she underplays her hand, comes off as the victim, and does her dirty work […]

The post 7 Ways a Covert Narcissistic Mother Affects Her Daughter appeared first on The Good Daughter Syndrome.

At the end of this article, you will be able to tell if you suffer the symptoms of being a daughter of a covert narcissistic mother or one high in covert narcissistic traits. Before we get to the symptoms of daughters of covert narcissistic mothers,  let’s begin with a description of the difference between an overt narcissistic mother and a covert narcissistic mother. (If you need a refresher, I’ve gone into great detail describing what constitutes a covert narcissistic mother here.) Here, I will quickly summarize the outstanding characteristics and how they differ so that you can better understand where your particular mother is coming from so that you can free yourself from her psychological grip. Your typical overt narcissistic mother is easy to spot. She talks nonstop about herself, is openly critical, thinks she is the best at everything, and makes sure everyone knows it. As obnoxious as she can be, you can see her coming a mile away. The covert narcissistic mother has more of a velvet-gloved iron fist. More typically, she underplays her hand, comes off as the victim, and does her dirty work in more surreptitious ways. She undermines others rather than openly competing with them and […]

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“  Set Guilt-Free Boundaries With Mom Sounds great, doesn’t it? And I promise we will get there by the end of this post. As a psychotherapist for over 35 years, I know guilt is the #1 reason daughters have trouble setting boundaries with their mothers.  And even better, I know how to set you up for success- by eliminating or diminishing the guilt that stops you. But first, to deliver on the promise of guilt-free boundaries, we need to decode what is making us feel guilty. See if you can relate. You ask Mom not to stop by unannounced, give you unsolicited advice on your love life, or comment on your parenting. Sounds reasonable, right? But she responds with, ” Why would I need to call and make an appointment to see my own daughter? ” I guess I’m just a terrible mother.” I’m just trying to help you.” Only your mother will tell you the truth.” You know you need to set boundaries with Mom and know it is healthy. But you don’t understand why setting boundaries makes you feel guilty. You set the boundary only to be wracked with guilt afterward and fold like a house of cards […]

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As you might expect, some mothers don’t love what I am saying, and they have some things to say to me :).   Their objections might be exactly what you hear from your difficult mother.   Their firsthand objections provide excellent prompts for me to explain how I see what goes wrong and what needs to happen instead.   If you are having trouble getting through to your mother, read what I have to say below.   I can’t guarantee you will convince Mom to feel differently—(actually, I seriously doubt you will )—but you might pick up some new ways of thinking for yourself. And that is what will make all the difference. A reader writes – “As a single mother, I find this article to be rather demonizing of mothers who just want the best for their daughters. A life that I never had. I put my absolute all into my daughter, to be better than I was at her age.   I am not a narcissist or have BPD just because I don’t want her to make bad decisions and that I had a close and special bond with my daughter.   Her boyfriend, whom she has now, […]

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( The Passive-enabling father says ) -“Don’t upset your mother.” ” You know how your mother is.” Or the worst… ” Go apologize to your mother and make things right with her.” You wonder- is it possible Dad is in the dark when it comes to mom? Is he blind to her manipulations, or is he so snowed by her that he genuinely thinks it is all okay? You can’t be sure. But it leaves you wondering if he genuinely cares. You may have felt sorry for him and saw him as a victim. Even so, you can’t reconcile the fact that, at the end of the day, your passive-enabling father will side with Mom, no matter how unreasonable or cruel she is to you (or him, for that matter). With a passive-enabling father, you wonder if anyone is truly on your side. You can’t understand why Dad doesn’t protect you. That’s what really hurts. If your mother is narcissistic, borderline, or difficult mother, life is hard enough without Dad totally flaking out and leaving you out on a limb… when it comes to dealing with her Mother. For the life of you, you can’t understand why he let’s Mom […]

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The Good Daughter Syndrome- When good for Mom is bad for you. If you struggle in your relationship with your mother, you might wonder…  “Is there something wrong with Mom, or is it me?” If you’re the Good Daughter of a Difficult Mother, that’s a question you’ve probably asked yourself a million times. You know […]

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Summary- When You Confront A Narc/Borderline/Difficult Mother? If you confront a mother high in Narcissistic Traits- there is a reason it will not go well. The psychological defenses or coping mechanisms she uses to keep herself from feeling what she believes (at the unconscious level are keeping her afloat) are so rigid that the defenses […]

The post What Really Happens When You Confront A Narc/Borderline/Difficult Mother? appeared first on Daughters Rising.

Should you go or should you stay? That’s the question that keeps many daughters of narcissistic mothers up at night.   There’s always another event, a holiday, a birthday… but speaking up doesn’t work either- it just gets you into more hot water. Sometimes, it just feels easier to stay, but is it worth it in […]

The post Is It Worth It? 5 Hidden Costs of STAYING in Contact with a Narcissist appeared first on Daughters Rising.

Unmasking the Covert Narcissistic Mother Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? This timeless line from Snow White holds a deeper meaning, mirroring the complex dynamics between a covert narcissistic mother and her daughter. In today’s blog post, we delve into the fascinating world of covert narcissism, exploring how these mothers […]

The post Unmasking The Covert Narcissistic Mother- How She Appropriates and Undermines Her Daughter’s Successes appeared first on Daughters Rising.