Debra Smouse's Blog - Posts Tagged "kemi-soguent"

“Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all people love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour increasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.”    
--Henri Nouwen

If the advertisements and pop holiday tunes are to be believed, then December is the “most wonderful time of the year). The Christmas season is supposed to be about love and joy. And even for those who don’t celebrate Christmas in the Christian sense still often celebrate the more secular side of Christmas (or Hanukah or other holidays that arrives this time of year).

Who can resist the trappings? The lights, the decorations, the food, and the music are all things I delight in. One of my favorite things to do is to sit by the tree before going to bed and breathe in the serenity of beloved ornaments and twinkle lights.

Yet, from my experience has often been that this is the most stressful time of year for many.

There is pressure to buy loved ones the “perfect gift”. And there is a pressure that WE need to be perfect: the perfect hostess, the perfect guest, the perfect daughter, the perfect mother, etc. And if you’ve been in my world for long, you know that I don’t believe that perfect is possible. Rather, our imperfections is what makes us beautiful and special in our own, unique way.

It’s a hard time of year for many thanks to the Ghosts of Christmas Past. Loss, sadness, loneliness, anger, and being haunted by memories can turn even the cheeriest of us into Scrooge.



And in more than a decade of being a life coach, my number one piece of advice to you is two-fold as we wrap the final days of 2021 and step into a bright and shiny new 2022.

Keep the concept of compassion and forgiveness loosely in your mind for it will serve you as a saving grace.
And be mindful of what little (and big) things can trigger you into going down a rabbit hole that’s hard to climb out of.

If you’ve done much self-development work, you are probably aware of triggers that can send you down paths of sadness, anger, fear, and self-pity. Sometimes, you react internally. And sometimes you turn to tried and true ways to comfort and numb yourself from those uncomfortable feelings.

While I am all about feeling ALL your feelings, this time of year is can be especially fraught with landmines. And those landmines can cause us to linger in bad feelings and fondle the stories around them rather than simply feeling it and then choosing to move forward.

This is where I’m talking about the concepts of forgiveness. Because negative feelings when you should be full of gratitude and joy can be particularly heavy.

Yet, the awareness of what triggers you can be that moment of feeling badly, and then allowing your logic to kick in and remind you “Oh, this reminded you of that time when…” so that you can move through it and enjoy your holidays.

It helps to recognize the ways in which we numb, too, because sometimes we unconsciously slip into numbing behaviors immediately.

Because while we associate numbing with less than healthy activities like overindulging in food or alcohol or spending 10 hours binging Netflix. Numbing can also look like ensuring there are perfect vacuum lines in every room of your house or excessive exercise.

And, like feeling your feelings, I am all about comforting yourself. Eat that Christmas cookie to feel good in the moment but don’t eat a dozen. Clean your house while also finding the humor in how it’s helping you cope with things you can’t control. Otherwise, the way you comfort can lead you down a whole ‘nother path of triggers and self-loathing. Especially if it involves food or alcohol.
While the exterior world is a big trigger for a lot of these challenging feelings this time of year, the other big trigger for many is family. Outside those grieving for the lost family members, folks who “should” be grateful for being with loved ones feel guiltily for not always feeling grateful.



Because even if you love your family dearly. And even if your childhood was free of neglect or abuse, our families know how to push our buttons in all kinds of triggering ways.

In part, it’s because we are expected to fill a particular role in our family: the smart one, the pretty one, the funny one, etc. And in most cases, those are roles that we long exited.

Yet, our families expect us to BE that person we were when we were 16 even when we’re closer to 60.

And the other thing I realized is this: even if you regularly spend time with your family members, often times they don’t really know the man or woman you’ve become.

It isn’t that they don’t love you, it’s just they are human. So wrapped up in managing the ups and downs of their own lives that they expect you to be that person they always knew. And often lost in their own pain.

So, basically, I am sharing with you that sometime during the holiday season, your family members may behave badly. It's easier to manage if you aren't surprised by it. And even if that feels personal, it isn’t.

I am gently reminding you to be compassionate and offer forgiveness. Of others and yourself.



That doesn’t mean that you accept or approve of bad behavior. And it doesn’t make their bad behavior acceptable. And I sure don’t encourage you to accept bad behavior nor put up with attempts to manipulate your reactions, feelings, or behaviors.

Rather, I am reminding you that you can still forgive the person and love them. Even when you don’t condone the behavior.

The older I get, the more important these things are: compassion, forgiveness, and love.

And while I had planned for this love note to focus on the topic of forgiveness, I recognize that the companions of forgiveness are compassion and grace. Oh, and using awareness to set good boundaries.

Because if one of your relatives or friends goes over the edge in their ability to manage their own triggers and stressors this season, you don’t have to be the person they take it out on. Instead, you can walk away…and circle back after they’ve calmed down with a big dose of compassion.

Again: compassion and forgiveness doesn’t equal condoning bad behavior.


We have two choices in our lives as we get older and approach the 2nd halves of our lives: you either choose to soften with the aging process. Or be bitter.

If you’re here with me, then you desire to create a life that nourishes you. So that means you’re aware of the need to make this choice. And though softening sounds much better than bitterness, it isn’t always an easy choice to make.

Because it means allowing anger to simply flow through you rather than fester and make you harder, letting go of grudges, and being compassionate.

Not just to others. It requires being compassionate with yourself.

Because if there is one thing I leave you with as we approach 2022:  it’s that I want you to find compassion and forgiveness for yourself.

Being human means being imperfect and making mistakes. And while some mistakes shift the choices we make as we traversed this life, that doesn’t mean you can’t find the grace within them as lessons rather than a life sentence.



You are a brilliant, shiny being, my dear. And when you make the choice to move forward in your life in a loving, kind, and positive way you’re on path to loving yourself and your life no matter what. This may take a large dose of Awareness (which we explored in August) I And it always relies upon being self-compassionate as you choose to let go of the grudges.

The grudges you hold against others. And the ones you hold against yourself.

So, before 2021 morphs into 2022 with the stroke of midnight, find space to forgive someone for a past misdeed. And most importantly, find compassion for an older version of yourself. And finally forgive her. She did the best she could with what she had.

Sit by the fireplace with a cup of cocoa (or glass of eggnog). Get lost in the way a book transports you to wonderful places and different times. Actively look for kindness and compassion beauty as you run errands. Find the spark of joy in every day activities.

Because when you make a choice to soften into life rather than be bitter, it makes the world better for you. and for everyone you encounter.

If you'd like to read the December 2021 love note in full, you can do so here.

And, if you'd like to receive my Monthly Love Note, sign up here.
Here's to remembering that no matter how challenging the world may seem, you are surrounded by beauty in the ordinary. Because within you is a spark of magic. 


Here's to celebrating the joy in the season, finding compassion, and  offering forgiveness to others. And especially ourselves.