Maryanne Comaroto's Blog - Posts Tagged "holidays"
Prepping for the holidays - mentally and emotionally
By Maryanne Comaroto
Like Ram Das says: You want to see how together you are, go spend some time with your family! This sentiment is particularly apt during the holidays, when emotions run high and painful memories are easily triggered. Especially if this holiday things are different than you would like them to be: i.e. you’re single (again), newly divorced, bringing someone home your family can’t stand, or maybe you simply dread the same old story your family dynamics dose on when you get together.
Here are a few tips that can help you face whatever may come with more confidence and grace than you'd imagined…
* Embrace "what is"~ This is the quick way to holiday enlightenment! The sooner you accept people and things the way they are and not the way you want them to be, the more likely you are to experience some real joy! While this is no easy pill to swallow when you are feeling lonely, rejected, or not up for going a few rounds with your family, this truth will set you free. Try it; it’s the perfect gift to give this season.
* Right-size your expectations~ If you're aren't quite ready to accept things the way they are, your next best bet is to curtail your expectations some. Try this (always works for me). Find someone less fortunate than yourself and do something wonderful for them. It’s a sure way to get an additional perspective. Sometimes we can get so righteous or stuck in our story we don't leave any room for something different or magical to happen. The spirit of giving will soften your grinchy glare and open your heart up. ‘Tis the season to cut some slack. Plenty of time for therapy and analyzing everything and everyone come the new year!
* Walk a mile in their shoes~ Refuse to participate in certain members of your family's antics, or can’t possibly stomach your ex flaunting his “new and improved you” all over tinsel town when you're still obscenely alone? Try a shot of compassion. While this is not easy, especially for novices (‘cause you have to actually care enough to take a moment and walk a mile in their shoes), in most cases it helps us take the edge off. Understanding that being human is complicated, and that we are all frightened and fragile whether we show it or not, helps ease the burden of needing everyone (including ourselves) to be perfect.
* Stage fright~ Are you the type that thinks of the right thing to say or do after the fact? Like, you think of what you should have said, but freeze up and blank out and end up a mess? Then you need to rehearse your lines! Doesn't matter who you are, when we are upset we don't think clearly. No matter what awaits you, try and do a dress rehearsal so you can be prepared for anything. Write it down and carry it with you so you don't get blindsided. And practice all the way there, and maybe even the day before if you have to. “No, Uncle Bart, I am not drinking right now. Thank you.” or “That's lovely; I wish you both every happiness!” or “Congratulations on your new part in the upcoming porn film, I am sure you'll be a great success.”
* Let the train go down the track~ Need to make an appearance because it’s the right thing to do and aren't interested in feeling, dealing or healing, or even saying the right thing right now (you know what they did, they know what they did, period)? I always say, when there's a train coming down the track, get out of the way. Take a few deep breaths, count to ten, get something to eat, help in the kitchen, make call to someone who can help calm you down; and if that doesn't work, excuse yourself, go straight to the bathroom, and re-group. Before you say or do something you will regret, remind yourself like a mantra, “Why should you always take the high road? Because that's the kind of person you are.” Otherwise, leave town and send a Christmas card.
* Have a pity party~ Speaking of leaving town: you might be fed up, feel the urge to fall apart, say the wrong thing, make a scene, behave badly, act inappropriately for the first time in your life, storm off and leave, or just stay in bed and wait for January. I say, let yourself have it. Maybe what you need is a little pity party. Go for it. Pick a start time and an end time and go for it. Maybe letting yourself feel what you've been stuffing is in order. Maybe you need to attend to some of what’s bottled up before it causes more damage to you or anyone else. Heck, you could invite some friends and just have a big negative merge! Who knows, it may be just what the doctor ordered.
* Do overs~ If I feel like I can’t pull it together, or am unable to say something tactfully or gracefully, am intolerant, or simply full of crap and can’t get out of my own way, I ask for a “do over.” I attempt the right behavior, but if I can’t get it right, I will say something like "That didn't come out right, I am so sorry, can we try that again?" Or “Maybe it’s better if we talk about this another time.” Then there's always Plan B. I leave and try again next year… Give yourself permission to do what you have to do to take care of yourself!!
Bottom line: during the holidays, there is no more pain to be felt than at any other time of year. According to John James’ “Grief Recovery Handbook,” this is a fact. There are simply many visible associations with painful memories that keep us trapped in our habitual thinking. If we can remember that we are all connected, that most of us are doing the best we can, and that most of the pain and suffering we experience is a projection, we are less likely to take things personally and more prone to create connection rather than greater separation!
Avoid a mystical hangover this holiday season – watch Maryanne's advice from author Roger Housden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdTTLA...
Like Ram Das says: You want to see how together you are, go spend some time with your family! This sentiment is particularly apt during the holidays, when emotions run high and painful memories are easily triggered. Especially if this holiday things are different than you would like them to be: i.e. you’re single (again), newly divorced, bringing someone home your family can’t stand, or maybe you simply dread the same old story your family dynamics dose on when you get together.
Here are a few tips that can help you face whatever may come with more confidence and grace than you'd imagined…
* Embrace "what is"~ This is the quick way to holiday enlightenment! The sooner you accept people and things the way they are and not the way you want them to be, the more likely you are to experience some real joy! While this is no easy pill to swallow when you are feeling lonely, rejected, or not up for going a few rounds with your family, this truth will set you free. Try it; it’s the perfect gift to give this season.
* Right-size your expectations~ If you're aren't quite ready to accept things the way they are, your next best bet is to curtail your expectations some. Try this (always works for me). Find someone less fortunate than yourself and do something wonderful for them. It’s a sure way to get an additional perspective. Sometimes we can get so righteous or stuck in our story we don't leave any room for something different or magical to happen. The spirit of giving will soften your grinchy glare and open your heart up. ‘Tis the season to cut some slack. Plenty of time for therapy and analyzing everything and everyone come the new year!
* Walk a mile in their shoes~ Refuse to participate in certain members of your family's antics, or can’t possibly stomach your ex flaunting his “new and improved you” all over tinsel town when you're still obscenely alone? Try a shot of compassion. While this is not easy, especially for novices (‘cause you have to actually care enough to take a moment and walk a mile in their shoes), in most cases it helps us take the edge off. Understanding that being human is complicated, and that we are all frightened and fragile whether we show it or not, helps ease the burden of needing everyone (including ourselves) to be perfect.
* Stage fright~ Are you the type that thinks of the right thing to say or do after the fact? Like, you think of what you should have said, but freeze up and blank out and end up a mess? Then you need to rehearse your lines! Doesn't matter who you are, when we are upset we don't think clearly. No matter what awaits you, try and do a dress rehearsal so you can be prepared for anything. Write it down and carry it with you so you don't get blindsided. And practice all the way there, and maybe even the day before if you have to. “No, Uncle Bart, I am not drinking right now. Thank you.” or “That's lovely; I wish you both every happiness!” or “Congratulations on your new part in the upcoming porn film, I am sure you'll be a great success.”
* Let the train go down the track~ Need to make an appearance because it’s the right thing to do and aren't interested in feeling, dealing or healing, or even saying the right thing right now (you know what they did, they know what they did, period)? I always say, when there's a train coming down the track, get out of the way. Take a few deep breaths, count to ten, get something to eat, help in the kitchen, make call to someone who can help calm you down; and if that doesn't work, excuse yourself, go straight to the bathroom, and re-group. Before you say or do something you will regret, remind yourself like a mantra, “Why should you always take the high road? Because that's the kind of person you are.” Otherwise, leave town and send a Christmas card.
* Have a pity party~ Speaking of leaving town: you might be fed up, feel the urge to fall apart, say the wrong thing, make a scene, behave badly, act inappropriately for the first time in your life, storm off and leave, or just stay in bed and wait for January. I say, let yourself have it. Maybe what you need is a little pity party. Go for it. Pick a start time and an end time and go for it. Maybe letting yourself feel what you've been stuffing is in order. Maybe you need to attend to some of what’s bottled up before it causes more damage to you or anyone else. Heck, you could invite some friends and just have a big negative merge! Who knows, it may be just what the doctor ordered.
* Do overs~ If I feel like I can’t pull it together, or am unable to say something tactfully or gracefully, am intolerant, or simply full of crap and can’t get out of my own way, I ask for a “do over.” I attempt the right behavior, but if I can’t get it right, I will say something like "That didn't come out right, I am so sorry, can we try that again?" Or “Maybe it’s better if we talk about this another time.” Then there's always Plan B. I leave and try again next year… Give yourself permission to do what you have to do to take care of yourself!!
Bottom line: during the holidays, there is no more pain to be felt than at any other time of year. According to John James’ “Grief Recovery Handbook,” this is a fact. There are simply many visible associations with painful memories that keep us trapped in our habitual thinking. If we can remember that we are all connected, that most of us are doing the best we can, and that most of the pain and suffering we experience is a projection, we are less likely to take things personally and more prone to create connection rather than greater separation!
Avoid a mystical hangover this holiday season – watch Maryanne's advice from author Roger Housden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdTTLA...
Open Holiday Letter
Tis the season to count our blessings, no doubt, many of us having experienced (or brushed close) to so much mayhem and madness in 2009. Yet one gift stands out from the rest of our many blessings this year.
As our iconic culture winds towards its inevitable halt, we scramble to redefine our lives, reclaim our values and reprioritize what’s really important. It seems Love really and truly is in the air. A new kind of humanity is emerging from the ashes, people gathering together as we leave behind the ME generation for the greater WE, learning its song as we clear away the wreckage and join hands for a better tomorrow, right now! And what could be more delicious than fulfilling our heart’s greatest desires…together?
Someone once said music is what happens in between the notes. I say the collective soul is writing a new song! Each of us is bringing our unique gifts and genius, ready to celebrate the freedom of being we have fought for, free to create a world that reflects what is in our hearts and imaginations, bridging at last heaven and earth.
I am grateful to many who have accompanied me on this part of the journey, my own little expression of joy and service to help end human suffering one broken heart at a time. Love to the Great Divine, love to all who have helped us extend our reach, love to those of you who have sought to ease your own suffering. Love to you who seek to know and love yourself, Love to all who are in service to the greater good, Love to you who still seek, who are frightened or feel alone. Love to anyone with a song in your heart you wish to sing, and to all who share in our passion to awaken and live in alignment with our highest selves. Love to you who have joined our effort, who have listened, who have written, who have learned with us, who continue to reach for the stars as we trek the road less travelled together! We are so blessed and have come so far because of you and your support!!!
I am blessed on this journey to be in such amazing company. Looking forward to a glorious 2010!
“Ask Maryanne” will be back with bells on in 2010!
Love and hugs,
Maryanne Comaroto
www.maryannelive.com
Great relationships begin within!
As our iconic culture winds towards its inevitable halt, we scramble to redefine our lives, reclaim our values and reprioritize what’s really important. It seems Love really and truly is in the air. A new kind of humanity is emerging from the ashes, people gathering together as we leave behind the ME generation for the greater WE, learning its song as we clear away the wreckage and join hands for a better tomorrow, right now! And what could be more delicious than fulfilling our heart’s greatest desires…together?
Someone once said music is what happens in between the notes. I say the collective soul is writing a new song! Each of us is bringing our unique gifts and genius, ready to celebrate the freedom of being we have fought for, free to create a world that reflects what is in our hearts and imaginations, bridging at last heaven and earth.
I am grateful to many who have accompanied me on this part of the journey, my own little expression of joy and service to help end human suffering one broken heart at a time. Love to the Great Divine, love to all who have helped us extend our reach, love to those of you who have sought to ease your own suffering. Love to you who seek to know and love yourself, Love to all who are in service to the greater good, Love to you who still seek, who are frightened or feel alone. Love to anyone with a song in your heart you wish to sing, and to all who share in our passion to awaken and live in alignment with our highest selves. Love to you who have joined our effort, who have listened, who have written, who have learned with us, who continue to reach for the stars as we trek the road less travelled together! We are so blessed and have come so far because of you and your support!!!
I am blessed on this journey to be in such amazing company. Looking forward to a glorious 2010!
“Ask Maryanne” will be back with bells on in 2010!
Love and hugs,
Maryanne Comaroto
www.maryannelive.com
Great relationships begin within!
Setting the stage for success in 2010
At the beginning of 2009, I made a couple of very sincere resolutions: I wanted to slow down the pace of my life and lighten up about things, and I wanted to work on being less judgmental. It sounds like a short list, but for someone like me who tends to overdo the vigilance... these were actually quite difficult tasks to tackle.
It's pretty sobering to read statistics showing that only 40% of people who set resolutions actually reach their targets. It seems that if you want to get to your destination, you'd better have a really good plan for getting there! Sitting down and making resolutions is a useful ritual in itself, a way for us to assess and temporarily deal with the things in our lifestyles that we want to change. But if you want to see those changes actually manifest, it helps to be armed with some useful tips!
1. Learn from last year. Think about what happened the last time you set resolutions. How did that work out? If you didn't quite get there, think about why. Knowing what you did right or wrong last time can be key in figuring out what techniques to try next.
2. Make sure the fire is hot. The more you want something, the more likely you are to do whatever it takes to get it. If you choose a lot of resolutions that you're not really committed to, it will most likely show in your effort level. If you really want something, then you'll feel that fire when you think about succeeding.
3. Visible reminders are important. Make a list, and post it somewhere. Tape notes in strategic places. Anything you can do to remind yourself what you're aiming for will help. You can even set alarms on your phone!
4. Tell the world! No one is an island, and this is a great opportunity to share your goals with your closest friends. Having a support network is important if you want to succeed, so now's a great time to get together with people and make your intentions known. Your friends can also double as cheerleaders!
5. Set up checkpoints. Designate some dates, maybe every three months, or even every month, to check in with yourself and see how things are going. Assess, adjust if necessary, and give yourself a pat on the back.
6. Get back on track. If your checkpoint assessment got you feeling down, remind yourself that none of us is perfect, and perfection was never your goal! This is an exercise in directing yourself toward better habits, and the process is rarely linear. Don't be angry with yourself - negative self-talk leads to low mood, which leads to self-loathing... don't even start down that road.
7. Set up a reward system. Having something to aim for will really help keep you energized about your goals. Sure, reaching the goal is a reward in itself, but enjoying all the benefits is even sweeter. Wouldn't it be great to plan a hiking trip with the family to celebrate your new higher level of fitness?
If you've been wondering about how I did with my own resolutions in 2009, well, I think it's gone really positively. I have been less judgmental, and I've been doing my best to be more laid back and not take things so seriously. At this very moment, I'm sitting in Carmel Valley with my husband and our dog, and we're enjoying a beautiful view of the ocean. So now we're going to head out for a long walk to reward ourselves for all our good work in 2009.
In the San Francisco Bay Area? Make plans to attend Maryanne's free self-defense classes which teach participants how to protect themselves emotionally AND physically. More information at http://askmaryannelive.com.
It's pretty sobering to read statistics showing that only 40% of people who set resolutions actually reach their targets. It seems that if you want to get to your destination, you'd better have a really good plan for getting there! Sitting down and making resolutions is a useful ritual in itself, a way for us to assess and temporarily deal with the things in our lifestyles that we want to change. But if you want to see those changes actually manifest, it helps to be armed with some useful tips!
1. Learn from last year. Think about what happened the last time you set resolutions. How did that work out? If you didn't quite get there, think about why. Knowing what you did right or wrong last time can be key in figuring out what techniques to try next.
2. Make sure the fire is hot. The more you want something, the more likely you are to do whatever it takes to get it. If you choose a lot of resolutions that you're not really committed to, it will most likely show in your effort level. If you really want something, then you'll feel that fire when you think about succeeding.
3. Visible reminders are important. Make a list, and post it somewhere. Tape notes in strategic places. Anything you can do to remind yourself what you're aiming for will help. You can even set alarms on your phone!
4. Tell the world! No one is an island, and this is a great opportunity to share your goals with your closest friends. Having a support network is important if you want to succeed, so now's a great time to get together with people and make your intentions known. Your friends can also double as cheerleaders!
5. Set up checkpoints. Designate some dates, maybe every three months, or even every month, to check in with yourself and see how things are going. Assess, adjust if necessary, and give yourself a pat on the back.
6. Get back on track. If your checkpoint assessment got you feeling down, remind yourself that none of us is perfect, and perfection was never your goal! This is an exercise in directing yourself toward better habits, and the process is rarely linear. Don't be angry with yourself - negative self-talk leads to low mood, which leads to self-loathing... don't even start down that road.
7. Set up a reward system. Having something to aim for will really help keep you energized about your goals. Sure, reaching the goal is a reward in itself, but enjoying all the benefits is even sweeter. Wouldn't it be great to plan a hiking trip with the family to celebrate your new higher level of fitness?
If you've been wondering about how I did with my own resolutions in 2009, well, I think it's gone really positively. I have been less judgmental, and I've been doing my best to be more laid back and not take things so seriously. At this very moment, I'm sitting in Carmel Valley with my husband and our dog, and we're enjoying a beautiful view of the ocean. So now we're going to head out for a long walk to reward ourselves for all our good work in 2009.
In the San Francisco Bay Area? Make plans to attend Maryanne's free self-defense classes which teach participants how to protect themselves emotionally AND physically. More information at http://askmaryannelive.com.
