Maryanne Comaroto's Blog - Posts Tagged "hindsight"

If you're a Bay Area/Northern California local or not, we've got some fabulous upcoming events to take advantage of in-person, on air, and online! Here's a recent list the gals and I made up :-) ... Hope to see you around!

Maryanne Live Events

Take in the unique ambience and engaging offerings of Open Secret Bookstore as well as listening to expert relationship advice and asking questions from your own experience! Maryanne will be at Open Secret Friday September 25th at 7pm, signing books, reading from “Hindsight: What you Need to Know Before you Drop your Drawers,” and talking all things sex, love and relationships

RSVP: info@maryannelive.com
Open Secret Bookstore
923 C St
San Rafael, CA 94901-2805
(415) 457-4191

Plus – catch Maryanne in LA. She'll be signing, reading from, and talking all things “Hindsight” at Book Soup on Saturday, September 19th at 1 pm.

Book Soup
8818 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90069-

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Maryanne Live Media

Nor Cal fans, catch Maryanne on the Sac & Co Morning show (KXTV10) in Sacramento talking about Hindsight, the Relationship Toolbelt, and all things sex, love and romance!

Time: 8:00AM Monday, September 14th

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Maryanne Live Workshops

Our next women's CORR certification in Marin is coming up quickly! Join Maryanne as she teaches her “Certificate of Responsible Relationship” which operates on the principle that learning to get centered, focused, and identifying self-defeating patterns is crucial to attracting a great relationship.

October 4th, 1-4 pm
RSVP for further info and location: info@mayannelive.com

Feel like getting away? Meet Maryanne in Maui on October 17th and get an amazing deal on the certification. Maryanne will be co-teaching with inspirational speaker Eve Hogan at Eve's intimate, personal garden on the island. You couldn't ask for a better venue to detoxify from problematic relationships and patterns. Take advantage of this opportunity with amazing savings - $100 for the seminar!

Call 415.464.1324, email info@maryannlive.com or visit askmaryannelive.com for more info!

So, whatever the reason, you're on the prowl for a significant other. Maybe you feel you're ready for a commitment. Maybe you're looking for companionship. So you feel like your “Mate-dar” (your ability to suss out a great mate) is in full force, turned up top notch. But the truth is – even if you have the purest of intentions for seeking out a relationship – nobody's Mate-dar is perfect.

The problem—or, should I say, one of the many challenges— with being human is knowing the difference between who we are and who we are not. Making the all-important distinction between our unconscious persona and our authentic, healthy, whole selves. Until we have addressed this process it is likely that our wounded little kid has a hold of an adult tool, waving it around like a toy, and then BANG! somebody gets hurt. Our Mate-dar, when operated by our 5-year-old wound, can get us into a lot of trouble—as would any part of ourselves we have not made peace with, healed or become aware of on some level.
In the case of seeking a great partner, when we are seeing through the eyes of a wound we are less likely to see clearly! This can show up in different ways (boy, can they be tricky, slippery and subtle all at once), most of them falling under the guise of denial or rationalization.

Here’s a great story to illustrate how elusive accessing our very own truth can be.

My husband, David, got on the scale this morning. I could hear the clang and distinct argh. “How can that be? I gained four pounds? I have only been eating lettuce all week, for crying out loud.” I tried to comfort him by saying that muscle weighs more than fat, and then burst out laughing, realizing that’s what I told myself last time I got on the scale. After we lavished one and another with a few more excuses, we decided that the scale was broken and we needed to get a new one. One that told us what we wanted to hear! That we were not fat!

I have learned it’s one thing to sit around and bitch and moan wishing things were different, and another to do something about it. So I went for a run, then later we went to get the scale. Apparently doing a little of both.

“It’s never a good idea to weigh yourself late in the day, sweetie” I reminded him as he stepped off the fancy glass scale in Bed Bath and Beyond, that seconds before had held such promise. “Yeah, but this one says I weigh even more than the one at home—did I gain four more pounds since we left?” I wasn’t laughing, as I was about to climb on. Mind you, I don’t make it a habit to get on scales—I know all too well they are not my friends, because I almost never feel better about myself as a result! How bad could it be? I thought. I run and eat well and anyway I would know if I… “What the…? A hundred and…? Wow, I don’t know what to say, except …that scale can’t be right!” I leapt off like it was a bed of hot coals.

“Oh, look, here’s one that tells you how much muscle versus fat you have, and it will show us how much water we are retaining! Let’s try it. You go first!” I said. David placed the Ferrari version of a scale on the floor, took his flip-flops off again and stepped on. “Uh oh…uhhhh… Wait, try that one, that’s just a regular old scale,” and quickly pointed to another. He put the Ferrari one back, put the next one on the floor and hopped on. We both waited as it calculated. “Well, this one says the same thing as the one at home does,” he shrugged. ‘Which means—uh…we’re fat, right?” We both laughed, let it sink in for a minute, and then decided that since we were ready to admit the truth, that we weighed more than we wanted to, we might as well buy the really cool one that told us in great detail all about it.

What the heck does this have to do with relationships? That’s a very good question, and if you answered “Everything!” you are definitely smarter than the average bear!

Pay attention, ‘cause this is some heavy. It doesn’t get any more real than this kind of reality. A huge contributor, if not a top ten reason so many of us don’t have a GREAT relationship, is—we don’t tell ourselves (or others) the truth. It’s an exact proportion, as a matter of fact! Think about it. Let’s say I asked you right now to write down your name, how much you weigh, how much you make a year, the color of your eyes, hair, your shoe size, how tall you are, where you live. Nine out of ten of you would lie about at least half. The rest of you would at least exaggerate or minimize. Don’t believe me, go grab the next person you see and tell them how much you really weigh. How tall you are, to the centimeter. What color your hair really is. How old you actually are. Go down the list; if you are honest with yourself, you will see how often we lie about the most mundane things. Why? Because of what we make it mean:

I weigh X = I am fat = no one will want/love me
I am X years old = I am too old = no one will love me
I am five feet X = too short (or tall) = no one wants that = no one will want me
My real hair color is X = I am unattractive = no one will love me
I make X amount of money = I am poor = no one will want to be with me/love me

So we do what my husband and I tried to do. We slip right into the old river called Denial. We begin with some simple rationalizations, adding or taking away a zero here and there. What harm can it do? we think, Who cares? If I don’t care, why should anyone else? Well, that’s the problem. You do care, or you wouldn’t bother lying—especially to yourself!

You can see how easy it is to miss cues, red flags and warnings or signs from another person that they really aren’t interested. Our agenda for love can be so strong, our wound-ology so ingrained, that it actually distorts reality! Here are some recommendations to help develop or adjust our Mate-dar.

1.One of my favorites is to interview people who have the kind of relationship you want. If you can’t interview, at least pay attention and jot down some features that stand out for you!

2.Date yourself seriously. Yes, seriously…date yourself. Make a date, get ready for it, pick the place you want yourself to take yourself, the whole nine, and do it. How do you like your own company, what do you notice about yourself?

3.Interview yourself. Yeah, why not? Who are you? What do you want out of life? What’s your five-year plan, what is your relationship history? Ask yourself all the questions you would ask of another, and see how you react or what comes up for you.

4.Have a few practice dates with real people to see how well your intuition is working. Yes, a date where you actually try and work on your weakness. Maybe you even ask the person for feedback about you and see how your perceptions compare. Could be very enlightening, if you have the courage!

Look, if you don’t take care to do these things, or things like this, for yourself, why would you expect anyone else to? Awakening to consciousness is not for lightweights—it’s hard work, and you got want the good stuff! Like I always say, great relationships begin within. Don’t kid yourself!

Here’s an email I got recently:

“I wanted to thank you also for your story about "presence" that you told at your talk recently at Open Secret Book Store in San Rafael. I had an important experience of that this weekend. I have been contemplating dating a man I met recently who is a financially successful lobbyist, and we have many other interests aside from politics. The wining and dining is great, but when we're together, it is odd: he is always distracted by his cell, a meeting, not enough time, etc.

This weekend, another man, a very old friend, came to town...we've known each other 35 years (college). He came to my studio and asked about my work, and he was incredibly "present" with me. And you are right, it was a total and complete turn-on. Whoa!

The next day, I had dinner with the other man (the lobbyist) and he spent most of the time talking about how his recent ex-girlfriend is using a popular dating site and how her profile is full of lies, and that he ought to get his own profile on the site so he could compete in attracting new women (so what am I, chopped liver?). Not present at all. Big turn-off! We were supposed to go on a date this Saturday, to the ballet, but I cancelled it because I decided I would rather have my own precious company, than his....

So I just wanted to echo what you said, that presence is really "IT"! and my back-to-back experience of it, with these two men, absolutely convinced me of what I want, and do not want, in a relationship with a man. Thank you for your teachings, Maryanne!”

A few days later…

“Hi Maryanne, so interesting what happens when I choose me. I came home to find a huge box of flowers from my college friend. I'm sure that saying goodbye to that lobbyist was the best decision I've ever made.
Thank you...”
J..Alder, Nor Cal

Bottom line, ladies and gentlemen: when we don’t know who we are, what we want or have our priorities intact, we fall into the default loop that was programmed into our subconscious long ago. “I want someone handsome, tall, and strong; someone rich, who will take care of me, someone sexy who is great in le sac, etc.” At some point we start to realize these aren’t things that make a great relationship. Someone we thought was hot becomes really unattractive when their real character starts to show.

I have met too many people who, time and again, confess that the things they thought they wanted weren’t essential at all—or, at minimum, fell lower on the priority list than they once realized.

Perhaps rather than “hot and successful” being at the top of the list, you could alter it some and require that certain other qualities be immediately apparent:

Present

Kind

Interested

Honest

Generous

Purpose-driven

Attractive

Sensual, etc.

So, yes, make that list, but check it twice as the holidays approach. Do you really want someone naughty or do you want someone one who’s mostly nice (and maybe a little naughty only on special occasions)?

By Maryanne Comaroto

Someone once (or twice) said, know thyself. Let’s see; the Oracle of Delphi, Jesus, well, heck, about everybody worth mentioning has some twist on it. Why? Most of us who have been in therapy, read numerous self-help books, etc., are left being mostly acutely aware of what is wrong with us and eventually head back to the barn (what’s familiar). There is only so much we can take. And those of us who hang in there still complain of the loneliness and austere life it seems the road less traveled requires. “To Hell with it!” we say, “Life is short and I need a reward for all this vigilance and self-examination, arrgh…pass the Kool-Aid.” So, we continue the search, now seeking elsewhere for guidance, and perhaps decide Popeye was right, “I am what I am” and get on with life.

If knowing the truth and ourselves is that much trouble, I can’t be bothered: I have bills to pay, mountains to climb, kids to feed, men to seduce (who will hopefully rescue me from it all), women to charm (who will hopefully distract me from my failures), pounds to lose, wrinkles to conquer, a legacy to leave so I can get to Happily Ever After already. So we ditch Buddha for Santa Claus (& Popeye) and keep looking for the secret. “Know thyself, ha!” we mutter and join the proverbial “if ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” crowd.

We manage to skate for a while on our latest distractions: a new love interest, new job, new cosmetic procedure, sudden influx of cash, new handbag or project. Yet the gap between how we act and who we are widens, and no matter what we tell ourselves, eventually the suffering returns, most of it silent. And we wonder why. So we up the dues: get more sex, more stuff, more money, more attention, better projects, a different house, another baby, another job, travel (that’s it! I need a vacation!), a face lift, a tummy tuck, lose 20 pounds, a younger wife, get another degree, REDECORATE for God’s sake… THIS IS AMERICA! The pursuit of happiness is my birthright!

Beneath the façade of fake smiles and the it’s all good story swells the raging sea of discontent, the cauldron of disappointment, chilled by terror and fueled by resentment that things are not different. This cocktail is lethal—we chase it down with envy and regret as the elusive dream slips further away.

According to scientists, our daily behavior is 90% subconscious. From years one to five a projection reel spliced with trauma, false beliefs and genetic inheritance has been cast upon our nubile brains: the reel continually spins out our reality, like the daily press, in predictable neural loops over our lifetime. It seems who we are is simply who someone else (“they”) told us to be. Most of us were duped and now are understandably pissed, as we find interrupting these patterns and uncovering who we really are feels like trying to stop a nose-diving 747 jet with a diaphragm.

You might cry, “Why do I pretend to be more than I am, have more than I have? Why do I feel that I am not enough, why don’t I want what I have, how come happiness escapes me, why do I believe that when I get (blank) everything will be okay, but that never seems to come?” The good news is, what is fake about you is NOT who you are! Who you are is magnificent, eternal, and unique. Yet until we know this true self we feel trapped in a life directed by an unconscious dictator, our subconscious beliefs and patterns.

While you may be tired, overwhelmed and have no bandwidth right now as survival is taking its toll, as my mother would say, “Don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle.” Here is an exercise that may help you reignite your search for freedom of being, as well as put some pep back in your step—the energy it takes to pretend to be someone you are not, be fake, is extraordinary.
What’s fake about me? exercise

1. Get a piece of paper and write down all the things that are fake about you (you may burn after reading, of course). Examples might be that you are:

Fake skinny: you spend an inordinate amount of time watching your weight so that people will find you attractive or so you will feel loved or seen. You fear that if you were fat you would never be happy, popular, get a man, be loved or accepted.

Fake nice: you spend much of your time trying to make people like you, manipulating your circumstances by being nice so you can get what you want, while underneath you seethe with resentment or envy of those who don’t seem to care what others think.

Fake rich: you pretend to be successful, you have mortgaged your life so others will think you are a person of worth, you lease your car that you cannot afford, buy clothes to create a false image, live in a house beyond your means, etc.

You get the idea, go ahead and explore all the fake parts: fake smart, because you believe you need to know so you can hide your fear of being inept or stupid; fake pretty, in hopes of being perfect-looking so you can finally be important, special or loved; fake happy, because you know people don’t want to hear your problems and would never want to be around someone as depressed and messed up as you really feel. Fake straight, fake sexy, fake sensitive, fake caring, fake in control, fake good mom, fake happy marriage, fake great relationship, fake healthy, fake spiritual, and on and on. Let it out. You have an opportunity to relieve yourself of the burden of living this secret life by simply admitting it!

2. Be with it. Sit down with what’s fake about you and move deeper into it. Exaggerate it, even. Give it a voice. Let the fake part or parts have a turn telling you about themselves. You might be surprised at what they have to say!

3. Feel it. Whatever feeling or emotions come, let yourself have them. Like a wave, they will not hurt you; they will wash through you and heal you if you have the courage to feel them all the way. (It could be helpful to have an enlightened witness to share this part of the process with, someone you trust to your core.)

4. Allow it. Relaxing into this allowing, comes freedom. In the acceptance comes understanding and then compassion. Including all our parts allows us greater freedom of being. Developing unconditional love for ourselves expands our capacity for intimacy and joy.

5. Know this is not all of who you are. My teacher Kathy reminds me of this fact all the time. I feel relieved and all at once welcomed back to the human race and condition. We find our right size again. This perspective gives space for a sense of peace and well-being, room to breathe and dream forward your heart’s true desires again. Your soul shines, your authentic self is free to be!

Namasté and blessings, freedom seekers!


If you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, Maryanne is co-hosting a workshop that will teach you how to protect yourself emotionally AND physically. Watch a preview of what to expect here: http://tinyurl.com/ye2q6qy. Find out more info here: http://askmaryannelive.com

Most of us don’t have to think to hard to conjure injurious feelings about a relationship gone bad. And while the pain and grief due to botched relationship vary from one individual to the next, we need to explore our baseline beliefs about everything rather than jump to overly simplistic ideology. “My relationship ended, it felt bad and now I am sick because of it,” is precisely the kind of unexamined thinking and superficial generalization that spins us into imbalance in most cases.

For example, most of us don’t take into account how we arrived to relationship. Did we come healthy and balanced? Did we know who we were, what we wanted, were we purpose-driven and spiritually and emotionally actualized? Did we know how to sleep alone, be alone, fulfill our needs ourselves, and understand that we are responsible at all times for our own reality? Had we taken care to understand the complexity of human emotions and feelings and how to maintain inner peace and harmony BEFORE we met our beloved ~ would they have thrust the blade, turned it and left us for dead? I suspect, should you honestly ask yourself these questions, I think not.

Rather, most of us sidle up to our relationship candidates, seducer or seductress in full force, selling some version of ourselves we find acceptable and hopefully loveable so as to better secure our hostage. The person that will make it all better, soften life’s hardships, ease our fear, anxiety, help lift our depression etc, in exchange for ~ well, whatever we sell it for. How much do we pay to have someone comfort us in the night because we are afraid to be alone, to walk our path alone; to have someone hear us, see us, love us, accept us, celebrate us? We rarely think of this, as we are seduced ourselves into the story of Happily Ever After, hopefully swept into bliss where we can hide or be transformed there, rather than in the suffocating truth of aloneness.

Yes, we are safe from many ailments in relationship for a while, but most of us come to find, “wherever you go, there you are.” Eventually, whether in relationship or not, whatever shadows you have run from/tried to camouflage or hide/temporarily derailed/quelled return. Only, oddly, we look at our partner and think they now are the culprit! The relationship ends and we pick up where we left off. The same anxiety returns, the depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, etc., etc. Our symptoms multiply in the wee hours of the night when we are unable to distract ourselves, until perhaps we manifest an ailment we can point at and say, “Look at this, I am alone, therefore I am ill and out of balance!” Round we go chasing our tail (or tale), not quite seeing that it is alone we must be to know we are never alone ~ it is with ourselves we must know who we are and not. It is in our own presence that we must ultimately embrace the truth; that the wound of separation, when not seen for what it is, keeps us “Chasing Amy” (illusions) and never knowing the freedom, balance or joy that is available in sickness and health, until death do you part.

November 27, 2009
To see Maryanne talking about the need to “go where you're frightened,” watch this video!

Tis the season to count our blessings, no doubt, many of us having experienced (or brushed close) to so much mayhem and madness in 2009. Yet one gift stands out from the rest of our many blessings this year.

As our iconic culture winds towards its inevitable halt, we scramble to redefine our lives, reclaim our values and reprioritize what’s really important. It seems Love really and truly is in the air. A new kind of humanity is emerging from the ashes, people gathering together as we leave behind the ME generation for the greater WE, learning its song as we clear away the wreckage and join hands for a better tomorrow, right now! And what could be more delicious than fulfilling our heart’s greatest desires…together?
 
Someone once said music is what happens in between the notes. I say the collective soul is writing a new song! Each of us is bringing our unique gifts and genius, ready to celebrate the freedom of being we have fought for, free to create a world that reflects what is in our hearts and imaginations, bridging at last heaven and earth.
 
I am grateful to many who have accompanied me on this part of the journey, my own little expression of joy and service to help end human suffering one broken heart at a time. Love to the Great Divine, love to all who have helped us extend our reach, love to those of you who have sought to ease your own suffering. Love to you who seek to know and love yourself, Love to all who are in service to the greater good, Love to you who still seek, who are frightened or feel alone. Love to anyone with a song in your heart you wish to sing, and to all who share in our passion to awaken and live in alignment with our highest selves. Love to you who have joined our effort, who have listened, who have written, who have learned with us, who continue to reach for the stars as we trek the road less travelled together! We are so blessed and have come so far because of you and your support!!! 
 
I am blessed on this journey to be in such amazing company. Looking forward to a glorious 2010!

“Ask Maryanne” will be back with bells on in 2010!
 
Love and hugs,

Maryanne Comaroto
www.maryannelive.com
Great relationships begin within!

At the beginning of 2009, I made a couple of very sincere resolutions: I wanted to slow down the pace of my life and lighten up about things, and I wanted to work on being less judgmental. It sounds like a short list, but for someone like me who tends to overdo the vigilance... these were actually quite difficult tasks to tackle.

It's pretty sobering to read statistics showing that only 40% of people who set resolutions actually reach their targets. It seems that if you want to get to your destination, you'd better have a really good plan for getting there! Sitting down and making resolutions is a useful ritual in itself, a way for us to assess and temporarily deal with the things in our lifestyles that we want to change. But if you want to see those changes actually manifest, it helps to be armed with some useful tips!

1. Learn from last year. Think about what happened the last time you set resolutions. How did that work out? If you didn't quite get there, think about why. Knowing what you did right or wrong last time can be key in figuring out what techniques to try next.

2. Make sure the fire is hot. The more you want something, the more likely you are to do whatever it takes to get it. If you choose a lot of resolutions that you're not really committed to, it will most likely show in your effort level. If you really want something, then you'll feel that fire when you think about succeeding.

3. Visible reminders are important. Make a list, and post it somewhere. Tape notes in strategic places. Anything you can do to remind yourself what you're aiming for will help. You can even set alarms on your phone!

4. Tell the world! No one is an island, and this is a great opportunity to share your goals with your closest friends. Having a support network is important if you want to succeed, so now's a great time to get together with people and make your intentions known. Your friends can also double as cheerleaders!

5. Set up checkpoints. Designate some dates, maybe every three months, or even every month, to check in with yourself and see how things are going. Assess, adjust if necessary, and give yourself a pat on the back.

6. Get back on track. If your checkpoint assessment got you feeling down, remind yourself that none of us is perfect, and perfection was never your goal! This is an exercise in directing yourself toward better habits, and the process is rarely linear. Don't be angry with yourself - negative self-talk leads to low mood, which leads to self-loathing... don't even start down that road.

7. Set up a reward system. Having something to aim for will really help keep you energized about your goals. Sure, reaching the goal is a reward in itself, but enjoying all the benefits is even sweeter. Wouldn't it be great to plan a hiking trip with the family to celebrate your new higher level of fitness?

If you've been wondering about how I did with my own resolutions in 2009, well, I think it's gone really positively. I have been less judgmental, and I've been doing my best to be more laid back and not take things so seriously. At this very moment, I'm sitting in Carmel Valley with my husband and our dog, and we're enjoying a beautiful view of the ocean. So now we're going to head out for a long walk to reward ourselves for all our good work in 2009.

In the San Francisco Bay Area? Make plans to attend Maryanne's free self-defense classes which teach participants how to protect themselves emotionally AND physically. More information at http://askmaryannelive.com.

A reporter asked me to help him with his column the other day, and his first question was: “Valentine’s Day is coming up. But where can you meet someone if you’re single?”

I replied, “That's like asking me where to go eat when you're hungry. First you need to tell me what you like, what you are hungry for? I certainly wouldn't want to send you to a seafood restaurant if you can’t stand fish! As elementary as it sounds, we need to make this distinction and move away from the one-size-fits-all relationship mentality. If you just want to meet "someone" you can go to a restaurant or bar. I can name a half a dozen singles haunts off the top of my head.

“But if you’re talking about meeting the right someone for you, then you need to invest some more time and effort. Otherwise you'll have to kiss a lot of toads, or just cross your fingers and hope you get lucky. An alternative is, get real clear on what you want. Real clear. And then go where you think those kinds of people hang out. The funny thing is, that when we set that strong an intention you almost don't have to do anything! Life responds to strong desires that are maintained over time. Or you can do both, get out there in the flow of like-minded folks and let a little elbow grease & serendipity lend a hand! As you like it.”

Then he wanted tips for singles to cope with Valentine's Day. “Valentine’s Day can go down two ways, as a day to be coped with or to be celebrated, just like anything in life. You can take it half empty or half full. Seriously, why wait for chocolates and flowers? Send ‘em to yourself. Go have that massage, or stay home, light a fire, read poetry aloud, start a bubble bath. Here's the deal: life will treat you EXACTLY how you treat yourself. So dive in and use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to love yourself! I promise, if you do this with real sincerity, you won’t be alone for long.

Where are the hot spots to meet people for romance these days, he wondered?

“Again, it’s not about some special place: there's nothing out there if you really want to know the truth, only an exact reflection of what inside of you right now. For example, I met my husband in my dream, eight years before I ever met in him real life, name and all! So stop, take care to know who you are, what you want and then simply focus on that. Okay, you likely will have to leave your home, but not before you are prepared. Remember what are you hungry for? Unless you’re not picky; then see above restaurant list.

You don’t want more of what you've already had; disappointment and failure, right? If you think you're ready, just go, go out to places that make you happy and do things you love that are in alignment with your real self.

“To recap: look within, find out who you are and what you want, then go out there and do what you love!”

Any more questions? Email us at info@maryannlive.com and we’ll answer them on the air every Tuesday morning from 10-11 am on www.healthylife.net.

To find out if you're looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, watch Maryanne's video on the subject: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUYE9-...

Q~ I’m a fifty-something, single, looking to get back out in the dating world. I am not thrilled with the idea of online dating but realize when it comes to the law of attraction, I need to get the ball rolling. The problem is, I am not feeling as marketable as I was in my thirties and forties, never mind my hormones are raging like a teenager—except now, instead of blooming, it seems I am about to lose my blossom. Any suggestions on how to attract a great mate?

A~ I can see the both dilemmas: how do you compete with your own shadow and attract a great partner when you don’t feel exactly on top of your game, and how can you be honest about who you are without focusing exclusively on the negative. This is indeed a delicate balancing act. You don’t want to do what so many of us have, and out-and-out lie or minimize some major themes in your life.

Let’s start from a bigger picture: while you may be experiencing great discomfort as you pass through (and up and down and all around) menopause, it’s true that this is a phase, a transient time, just as each day is. Besides, we are so much more than any one aspect of what we experience in any given time, day, phase, moment. It’s a matter of where we focus our attention. I have heard from some experts that menopause can be one of the most magical, mystical times in a woman’s life. The other big-picture thing to realize is that there is nothing to be ashamed of as we traverse each crevice of the human experience, and you can bet your partner is try to fend off his share of the inevitable himself. Essentially we are all in the same boat, and none of us are getting out alive or unscathed!

So, let’s embrace what is, re-frame some and look for the humor in all of it! For example, when we reach midlife most of us are wiser, more compassionate, better lovers, more tolerant, more available, and more confident, and so on.

I recommend you lead with what you are most afraid of; in this case, your age and that you’re moving through menopause, etc. When we embrace what we are afraid of the demon disappears, and anyway it’s what’s real—and this is real life, after all. You want a partner who shares this same reality. Plus you won’t have to worry about breaking the news later. How about something like this for an ad:

Fifty-something seeking real life partner for a trade. Must love camping, vigorous exercise, or have grown up in a big family. Patience would be a good quality to have, as well as the ability to delay gratification, saving the best for last—i.e., a calmer version of me post-menopause! In the meantime, must either play golf because it is among my favorite pastimes! You like movies, good food and wine, and love to laugh. In exchange, I am willing to love and respect your stage of life because I know that no matter what life has handed you, your spirit is intact, your kindness is king, and you are seeking a partnership rather than a pit stop as we face the next millennia . I look forward to learning more about you, your passions, and the journey and the peaceful, joy-filled adventure we will create together!

Good luck and like my dear friend Kris Carlson would say: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff!!

<3 Maryanne
http://maryannelive.com

This week I want to change things up and ask you out there a few questions. I am starting a new book called Great Relationships Begin Within!®, and am doing some research, and would love your feedback!

More often than we are willing to admit we are drawn to relationship for external reasons: money, security, fear of being alone, children, validation, sex, boredom, or to avoid dealing with (or to be rescued from) another situation

I have decided to take on money first! So, if you would be so kind, if you have the courage, please answer the following questions. Do not put your name on the paper. Please identify yourself with a pen name. Example, geisha chick 10 or money pit8.

Do not, under any circumstances, lie. It serves no one—least of all, you. Answer as many or as few questions as you'd like, and return your answers to info@maryannelive.com. Thank you in advance from the bottom of my heart!!

Who controls your money?
How do you earn money?
Who gives you money, how often and why?
How much money do you have to your name right now?
How long would it take you to find out?
Why don’t you know?
Who pays your bills?
When do you pay them? Exact dates. Example: the 1st & the 15th.
How much money does it cost you, to the dollar, every month, to run your life?
How much do you make an hour?
How much are you worth?
How much money do you pay in taxes per year?
How much does your health insurance cost every month?
How much money do you spend on food every month?
How much on partying, gifts, recreation?
Travel?
How about clothes and makeup; how much do you spend every month and why?
What’s the most responsible way for you to spend and save your money each month?
Why don’t you?
How much debt do you have?
Why?
Who do you owe money to and exactly how much? (Yes, loans that friends, family, or someone you have lost touch with, made to you in good faith—even years ago—count)
How do you feel about money?
How do you feel about people who have money?
Do you wish you had more money?
Why don’t you?
What exactly are you doing about it?
Whose job do you think it is to take care of you?
Do you think people should just give you their money?
What are you willing to do in exchange for money?
Do you think rich people should pay because they have more money?
Do you think men should pay because they are men?
Do you believe money is the root of all evil?
Do you believe having more money would solve most of your problems?
Do you believe it’s hard to make money nowadays?
Do you believe your parents should give you money or continue to help you financially after you are 18 years of age? If so, why?
Do you believe people who say they love you should give you money if you have less than they do? If so, why?
Do you believe your financial situation is someone else’s fault?”
Are you good with money?
What are your parents’ beliefs about money?
Do your three closest friends have more, less, or about the same amount of money you have?
What do you wish was true about you and money?
What is your biggest fear about money?
Your biggest secret about money?
Who controls the flow of money on your life?
If it isn’t you, do you think it’s time it ought to be?

March 26, 2010