Maryanne Comaroto's Blog - Posts Tagged "love"

I believe that it's crucial to begin a healthy, fulfilling
relationship with yourself - to understand YOUR likes and dislikes,
YOUR fears and dreams - before trying to share them with another
person. After all, if you don't know much about who you REALLY are ...
what good is that going to be in a relationship?! But ... once you have
headed down that path - when you're primed and equipped with a
relationship tool belt - what's left is the easy part, primarily
because there are men EVEYWHERE. As matter of fact there are approximately 50 million single men in the United States- RIGHT NOW!!

So how do you meet these guys (since you've taken the time to invest
in yourself you, of course, want a guy who's done the same, and not
just any random guy in a bar!) So, here are some of my favorites:

1)Participate in a community dance class. Like the Five Rhythms
dance community (with locations throughout the United sates and world (www.movingcenterschool.com)
Moving your body, mind and spirit in a room filled with as many men as
women is a great place to meet great guys . There’s no alcohol involved
and most of the guys I have met there are on a spiritual path, which in
my book is always a must!! And after class, its especially easy to meet
people, most everyone hooks up for tea or something to eat. Everyone’s
hearts are open and soft. The time is ripe!!!

2)Another place where GREAT guys flock to is a golf tournament,
(which attracts a huge contingent of men!!) One of my favorites is the
AT&T pro am in Monterey California. And there are many others
around the country as well. And the thing I love about the tournaments
climate is that number one, all the spectators are there to enjoy
themselves, so the climates pretty relaxed and civilized I might add.
And the afterwards most everyone heads to an eatery or pub to relax. In
the mean time it's fun to watch the guys watch the game and then when
you’ve spotted a cutie, “Excuse me, uhhmm, I dint know much about golf,
I am here with a friend, what’s a birdie” or if you know your way
around a course, “Oh, he shanked that one…I can't watch. See you on the
green” (you casually whisper in his ear ;)

3)Normally I wouldn’t say a bar…so I won’t. And night clubs are so
loud and dark, you never know what you’re going to get in the light of
day. However there is one place I do recommend and that’s a fundraiser!
And besides what better place to see if a man readily puts his money
where his heart is! Finding a truly generous man is a gift, finding a
guy with a passion for a cause, wow even better. Even if it’s a can of
food at a food drive! It means this person went out of their way to
help make a difference~ And bonus, so can you, while you’re busy
flirting!!

4)All right, here is one of my all-time favorites, that we often
over look. It is The open air farmers market. And the great thing is
you can go alone!! Now they do say don’t s^&* where you eat, but
the good news is you can get food almost everywhere now a days (and if
things get sideways you can always order take out). Okay, so there you
are maybe you’ve seen the guy there before or not. Doesn’t matter. My
favorite sincere line is…”mmm that looks yummy” And viola, you have
made contact and you’re off to the fruit stand together yakking about
the price of strawberries for your smoothie. And remember, a guy who
takes care to put good things in his body, is more likely to take care
of other parts of his life, like a healthy relationship!

5)And my latest favorite place is a comedy club ~ They are fun and
usually attract people with great senses of humor. Here in Nor cal we
have a great comedy club called the Throckmorton. Dana Carvey and
Robin Williams live in town so they randomly show up and make you laugh
so hard you think you might cough up your stomach. Okay so maybe that’s
not attractive but here's what is: during the intermission people get
up a mill about, perfect time for some flirty comedy review. Who
doesn’t love a man with a great sense of humor!!

6)And last on my list, while it may be intimidating, is a symposium
or festival. Yep. And really fun too. You get to be around things that
interest you which is a great way to meet other people that are into
what you are. Compatibility is even more important the longer you are
in any relationship!! And part of that includes sharing things in
common. So pick out an event that actually interests you, like The
Health and Harmony festival held in California, or a writers conference
held on Maui every year or a science fair or Social Network symposium
or a Money Summit~ There are tons of them going on all of the time. And
yes, you can absolutely go alone!! Then once inside there are so many
ways to practice your inner-viewing skills. You may even just
try…”Hello!” For most men, that’s all they need, a foot in the door!!

for more info, check out http://maryannelive.com

Do you ever feel like relationships are 2 parts game, 1 part luck? Or maybe you are at the point where it feels like ALL game to you…and you’re all gamed out? Maybe you just wish it could be like in the movies, a little: boy meets girl, some witty banter, your souls become one, you get married and live happily ever after. Or a more modern version: you meet in re-hab, you have both seen the light, you put your pasts behind you, your souls become one, you get pregnant, move in together, get married, then divorced, but are still really good friends and live semi-happily ever after because your new girlfriend likes your kid and your ex has a better job than you so she didn’t sue for alimony? Or maybe you just suck at relationships and figure this is as good as it gets.

And have you noticed that everyone who has ever been in a relationship is suddenly a relationship expert, coach or guru du jour? Poised and ready to pounce on your temporary lack of clarity or latest relationship disaster, ready to tell you how to get your game back, TODAY, or, if not, for sure in a few weeks! Yeah, ‘cause that’s realistic, right? Rome was built in a day and God created the heavens and earth in what…7 days, right? So…anything’s possible!

I guess it depends on what your idea of a great relationship is:
A) Better than my last one
B) Someone who completes me
C) Right now, just someone (I really don’t want to be alone)

Hmmm. Like this, you’re most likely, according to statistics, to get into a relationship that will ultimately be just like your last one. Another boy meets girl, they get hot for each other, lay on the seduction routine, spend the next three months to ten years finding out who each other really is and then end the relationship, at minimum terribly disappointed or feeling completely ripped off! In case you didn’t know, there is an alternative to the ever-popular collective urge-to-merge nightmare.

Like so many of us, I had gone from one relationship to another, measuring my growth each time in terms of things like: Well, this one’s not an alcoholic, or at least this one’s not a sexual deviant, or whew! this one doesn’t do drugs, or at least he’s loyal, or not addicted to porn—and on the rationalizations went until finally I decided there had to be another way. And I jumped ship; the scenic route to relationship enlightenment was about killing me. The first few lessons I learned set in motion a body of work that I live and teach to this day!

First: I decided that chemistry is an indicator of…chemistry and THAT’S all. That’s where Darwin and I parted ways; I was going with the theory that the rest of our brain is there for a reason. Therefore I was determined to use it, rather than fall prey to the old brain story that a penis has a mind of its own, yadda yadda, etc., etc. Yeah, I did the math on that and noticed I almost always lost when I made decisions based solely on chemistry—NEXT!

Second: Oh, Dr. Phil will love this. Yes, Dr. Phil, we teach people how to treat us. So I got responsible. I went a step further and found physics laws to substantiate the fact, added some neural loop studies to support how to undo or override our early programming, and a few basic Buddhist principles, and birthed my unique recipe for becoming and remaining internally focused, which is the foundation of my daily SHOMI© Method practice. Part of my 7 Essential Truths™, How to Wake up and Stay Awake program.

And third: I sought and found the one thing I had searched for, longed for my entire adult life—a great relationship with myself. Like so many, I had believed (or hoped) that when I found my soulmate I would live happily ever after. Until I realized that my soulmate was me. And that’s when my life changed forever!

Now this may come as a shock to some of you, but having a GREAT relationship involves NO TRICKS, NO GIMMICKS. Rather, generally speaking, it involves: feeling and healing copious amounts of historical pain (some of which you may have currently blocked out); knowing who you are and what you want; possessing effective communication skills and a large amount of discernment; having a daily self-care practice; and, oh yeah, the ability to give yourself everything you want from another person. (You need a real track record of doing all this VS simply having good intentions of all of the above). These skills, by the way, are fundamental to your relationship tool belt.

What I have learned after 28 years on a path of self-discovery and over 25 years working in the personal development industry is that there is a dream that some folks get lucky, the right one comes along and, yes, they live happily ever after. (I have met, uh, no one that falls into this category.) For most of us, if we want the good stuff (and I certainly did) it was about getting real, then realistic and figuring out a plan for how I was going to be successful in this area of my life. I mean, come on—most of go to school for years preparing ourselves to go out and be successful at whatever we want to be successful at, and even then, it escapes so many of us. Imagine trying to run a business without a plan! Can you? Is it a great idea? Not really! 98% of most new business fail within the first 5 years. Mostly because having a good idea is not enough, just like chemistry is not enough or thinking someone is hot, or sexy or looks good or is nice—it’s just not enough to create and maintain a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship! So, what is enough? Honestly, I always say, it takes everything you’ve got! Did for me. And it’s been worth it!

Can you remember the last time you prayed really hard for something? Like, “Please, God, let me get my period (or not)…Please God, let me hear a yes from that client TODAY…Pleeeeze God, let that apartment manager pick me, let my check clear, let them not evict me this month. Please God, let me get the part, the job, pass my exam, drug test. Or…Pleeeze God, let him/her be the one!!”

I can remember once praying so hard that I really believed the wince on my face would get me to the front of God’s “To Do” list! Boy, I really wanted this thing pretty bad. In this case (there were many), I was fifteen and wanted this particular boy to love me. And when I say pray, I prayed, sister. I squeezed my hands together like an olive press, sent my spirit right out of my body on a one-way mission to plea with God, hoping to make God an offer He couldn’t refuse in the hopes that He would grant me this one last wish. (At least, that’s what I told myself.) And then I waited for a sign. I was sitting on my waterbed staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep, when I spied a small spider creeping across the wall. Oh, oh…a spider…it’s a sign, I thought. Okay, okay…if the spider moves to the right, it means…uhhhh, that, yeah, it means that it’s the right guy for me. That’s it!!! I was delighted with myself for interpreting this spiritual hallmark. Until, of course the spider moved due east. I crinkled my nose and cocked my head to the left to make sure I saw what I saw. That’s okay, (my little heart sank) I mean he’s probably just…ya know, getting ready to go right and oh, wait I know, for him it is right, I am upside down, I mean where he is on the ceiling, that is right. I knew my half-hearted attempt was just that, a way to comfort myself and soften the blow; that God sent this messenger spider to tell me…uh uh, nope. He’s not the one.

Then after a few minutes I thought, Now, wait a second, that’s dumb, come on! I made that up! It wasn’t a sign, ha. That was just my idea! Then, shaking my head, nestled into my pillow and listened to the ripples of the water beneath me, lulling me as I began to nod off to sleep, hoping my dreams of Happily Ever After were not far off.

Turn out, THANK GOD, this boy was not to be the one after all. Not him, nor the dozens of others I had crushes on from kindergarten onwards. Of course, I can say that NOW. In hindsight, yet, interestingly and more to the point, I seemed so sure about what I wanted. On each occasion I would kneel and beg (or pray, if you will) God, that this person, place or thing, would be the thing that would make my life complete, that would make me Happy Ever After!!

I still fall for that sometimes, “that” being that the something that I just have to have, the experience that if only it worked out would be the thing that would make things better. Invariably, for me, when I get stuck in this incredibly unproductive and anxiety-provoking mind game, it is a clue I am on the wrong path. How do I know this? Because, I do believe in God, the Divine, and believe that we all have a destiny to fulfill and that when we get out of our own way (in my vast experience of having been in and out of my own way) it flows better 100% of the time, producing results that I always ultimately prefer and that contribute to my health and wellness as well as to those around me (another clue that you’re on the “right” path). When I slow down, I realize again (sometimes for the hundred-thousandth time) that true and real love has no shelf life, that I am always okay regardless of what’s happening around me, and that the only prayers I need to pray are to offer gratitude, blessings for those who suffer and for guidance, which God surely and frequently gives when we actually want to hear it. This has for many years been a proven method for me of how to stay awake on my path and how I created the relationship of my dreams!

The list is long of the things we have all done to find, get and keep love in our life. Abandoning our authentic selves to become some variety of whomever you want me to be ranks among the top few. At some point we learned this was a good idea; probably the same place we all learned a version of this, from our parents, who learned from theirs, and so on. We are imprinted with the belief that love has to be earned—or, at minimum, looks a certain way. (IE. I do this or that and then you’ll love me.) Dr. Helen Fisher, whom I greatly esteem, calls this your love map.

I, too, strongly recommend that you know what your relationship pattern or map looks like. Intimately! Otherwise you end up falling victim to the unconscious loop that most of us repeat over and over, and NOT in a good way. Your pattern may look like: you always attract people who cheat, are narcissists, are abusive, have no drive, are alcoholic or addicted to pornography, or perhaps they just can’t seem to tell the truth about anything (especially when it comes to where they have been and who with); maybe they are blamers, have anger problems or won’t commit. And no matter what you do, it seems, oops there I go again, I attracted another (fill in the blank). Whatever your love map looks like (my latest book, Hindsight, offers you a great exercise on how to identify your love patterns) there is hope. And something we can do about it.

Making the distinction between who I am being (my persona or inauthentic self) and my true self (or authentic self) is the first step in the process of awakening, which leads to the eventual shift from unconsciously and reflexively choosing the same type of relationship over and over again. For me this was part of a larger portal through which I passed and left what wasn’t working (and who) behind for a more authentic life filled with great freedom of being. This portal, I call becoming internally referenced—making the distinction between who you are and who you are not—and it’s absolutely fundamental to having a great relationship. It also happens to be one of the tools I teach in my CORR® certification program.

Over the last 25 years of working in the personal development industry I have learned some amazing things, some absolutely life-altering truths that have become creed because they were ultimately irrefutable (true whether or not I believed them).

And few rival my understanding of what love is NOT:
Chemistry is not love. Chemistry is…well…chemistry.
Desire is not love. Hmmm, yeah, it’s more like being addicted to the feeling of wanting something you can’t have, so you set yourself up again and again to feel it! Desire junkies salute!
Longing, nope, not love! Too many Cinderella or Pretty Woman episodes.
Feeling lovesick, uh uh, NOT. Smacks of love map laced with abandonment issues.
Infatuation, often confused with love, is a strong psychological projection onto the love object.
Lust, hmmm, a biological function designed to procreate. (Period.)
Abuse, definitely NOT. Usually a direct connection to our low- or no-self-esteem!
Neglect, no, not love either. There’s always time for some loving exchange!
Indifference. Ouch. Nope. Not likely. More likely booty call, or they’re just not into you at all!

For me, making this/these distinctions saved me a whole hellavalotta heart ache. I learned to make better choices and found that I respected myself even more when I focused on what was real and authentic about myself, rather than focusing on trying to figure out who you wanted or needed me to be. At first, like with many things, I had a tough time believing this was true and still find I can get caught in that trap. But overall, this awareness makes it possible for us to attract and create a healthy, loving relationship rather than one based on deserve and reward~

And if you want to get really deep, my husband often reminds me that the English language has but one word for love (with 9 definitions, by the way). We have come up with our own definition (vigilant seekers of truth that we would like to think we are). We consider Love a gift, a conscious choice we make to behave with respect, patience, understanding and compassion with ourselves and towards another human being. It’s a way to behave from, and includes the concept that love bestowed need not be earned nor returned but rather wants only that which the other wants for him or her own self! Once you have a taste of the real thing, it’s hard to go back!!!

I went to a memorial this week. A friend passed away suddenly; a shock to us all, but to none more than to his bride of twenty-some years. My heart went out to this brave woman and her three children who watched her life change dramatically without any warning. She told me that it was all so surreal—that one day he was laughing and telling her a story that made her laugh so hard she was crying, and the next day she was watching him curl up in a fetal position, and then he was gone. Just like that.

Yet at the reception after the memorial, instead of drowning in her tears (which we would imagine is what most of us would do), she wanted to talk about what a great, loving father and husband he was. How funny and generous he was. How many people’s lives he touched, and how blessed she was to have had twenty years with him. And while yes, her eyes were puffy and blurred with mascara, as sad as she was, she was genuinely grateful and proud to have spent this chapter of her life with such a man. You could feel it was true.

On the ride home tears spilled down my cheeks, as the truth of her words about her husband were also true for me, in a smaller yet significant way. This man has indeed touched my life, his generosity and beautiful spirit has definitely made a difference to me and my family. And then I felt this wave of inspiration fill my heart. A reaffirmation of why I do what I do and do it with such passion. To help people find what my girlfriend found with her beloved husband, however long they were blessed to share that together.

People ask me all the time how to have a great relationship, or if I think they are ready. I usually ask them the same two questions: What do you want, and what are you willing to do about it? Then I direct them to my Relationship Aptitude Test, or RAT, which helps you smell a rat—or find out if you are one. It’s multiple choice. Take your time.

Q 1 When is it okay to date someone who is already in a relationship?

1.Human beings are not monogamous creatures
2. As long as they don’t really want to be with that person
3. I’d rather wait until they are available

Q 2 How long should you wait before you get sexually intimate with someone?

1.It depends on how well I know the person
2.If it feels good, do it
3.Two or three dates, unless it’s love at first sight

Q3 Does it matter how someone’s relationships have ended in the past?

1.Some people just bring out the worst in each other
2.That was then and this is now
3.I am attracted to people who keep their side of the street clean

Q4 Does God matter in a relationship?

1.Not believing in God doesn’t make you a bad person
2.I think it’s key to a relationship to be spiritually compatible
3.To each his own

Q5 When you should bring up marriage or commitment?
1.Be upfront about what you want; you both deserve that

2.You should just go with the flow
3.Not until you’re sure it won’t scare them away

Q6 At what point do you talk about kids or birth control?

1.Love me, love my kids; and know that whatever I do, I am responsible for
2.If you have ‘em, wait to bring them up; if you don’t, wait until they mention it
3.Have a condom and don’t say anything you’ll regret later

Q7 When and how do you talk about STDs?

1.I would assume someone would tell me if they were sick or had some disease
2.ASAP and gracefully
3.You can tell when people are clean and healthy—and always bring a condom

Q8 Does it matter if someone you are with has been incarcerated?

1.Everyone deserves a second chance
2.As long as it wasn’t murder
3.Depends on what for

Q9 Does everyone need a purpose in life?

1.I just want them to be happy
2.Absolutely—or in sincere pursuit
3.As long as it isn’t me

Q10 Do you believe in Happily Ever After?

1.I don’t need to anymore
2.I believe in the pre-nuptial agreements
3.Sure, who doesn’t want that?

Key:
Q 1: 1) 2 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 3 points
Q 2: 1). 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point
Q 3: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points
Q 4: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 5: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point
Q 6: 1) 3 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 2 points
Q 7: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 8: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points
Q 9: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 10: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 1) 1 point

Email your score to info at maryannelive dot com, and we’ll send you the results. Find out if you need an X-termination, need to lay off the cheese, or if you are a cheese connoisseur! (Be sure to include on what site you took the quiz!)

For Labor Day weekend, I want to share a poem I wrote for my husband. Blessings to everyone!

So many dreams

I mistook them for balloons

Streaming through life

Sweeping up their long curly strings in my hand

Wrapping them tight around my wrist

Pulling them down from the pale blue sky

Like cotton candy bouquets

Whenever I felt the whim

Just because I wanted to

Just because I could

It was so easy then

So much fun

I popped them

Sat on them

Pretended I was pregnant with them, tied them to chairs

Tables, my wrist and even my little brother

Then watched them magically float away

I wondered how high they could go

I wondered how high I could go.

I wondered.

I wanted to play in the clouds

So I tried

I jumped as high as I could off everything

I did back flips in gym class

Did cartwheels on ice

And sought out every trampoline I could find

Until one day I flew off my mother's bed and cracked my head open.

I wanted to fly

So I tried

I swung from the monkey bars with determination and grace

I dared the balance beam with my arms stretched out to the side

I climbed the highest ladders and slid down every slide

Until one day I ran a race and won but was disqualified

I was so excited I had walked back in someone else’s lane

I wanted to Love

And I did

I talked all night until we fell asleep

Kissed until my lips were raw

Made love my very first time and disappeared

Until one day my heart shattered

I watched him drive by that very day with another girl

I wanted to sing ~ Lisa told me my voice was too low

I wanted to be a model ~ Toni told me my nose was too wide

I wanted to act ~ I was afraid I couldn’t remember my lines

I wanted to play music ~ I broke my finger

I wanted to paint ~ Ms Mattis yelled at me because I painted outside the lines

I wanted, I wanted, I .wanted

I wanted everything!

But they told me I had to stop wanting so much

That I wanted to much

That I couldn’t have what I wanted

That you can’t have it all

That I was spoiled and selfish

To quit acting like a child

That life is hard and then you die

That money doesn’t grow on trees

That nobody gave them a break why should they give me one

There are kids starving in Africa- right now.

That it’s a cruel world out there

That your lucky if you have five true friends

That there is only ONE true love

That only 2% of the population will ever be rich

That there it’s us against them

Me against the world

To get over it

That we are going to die in 2012

Who do you think you are? They scorned as I tried to keep wanting.

I didn’t know

So naturally-

I died.

I watched my self fade into the bleak deserted future

My body hardened

My Spirit abandoned

There was nothing left but… play the game

Say yes when you mean no

Be nice to get what you need

Say anything to get what you want

Do anything to get what you can

Take anything you can get

Hang on

Don’t let go

Never say die

Never give in

Never give up

Take the money and run

Bigger is better

Fuck em if they can’t take a joke

I am laughing all the way to the bank

This is mine

That’s mine

These are yours

Those are mine

He’s mine

You’re mine

Wait…

Someone’s coming

He’s coming

Is anyone coming?

Is anyone out there?

And naturally…

I died again



And then one day I cut off my balloons

Me so tired of dying

Me want to live

Me want to celebrate

Me want to perform anyway

Me want to sing anyway

Me want to paint anyway

Me want to play anyway

Me dance ANY WAY

Me vulnerable anyway

Staying open anyway

Heart open anyway

Open anyway

Everyway

Everyday

This day

Right here

Right Now

Finally

At Last…



For my husband David on 1/30/07, and it's just gotten better since then!
September 4, 2009

If you're a Bay Area/Northern California local or not, we've got some fabulous upcoming events to take advantage of in-person, on air, and online! Here's a recent list the gals and I made up :-) ... Hope to see you around!

Maryanne Live Events

Take in the unique ambience and engaging offerings of Open Secret Bookstore as well as listening to expert relationship advice and asking questions from your own experience! Maryanne will be at Open Secret Friday September 25th at 7pm, signing books, reading from “Hindsight: What you Need to Know Before you Drop your Drawers,” and talking all things sex, love and relationships

RSVP: info@maryannelive.com
Open Secret Bookstore
923 C St
San Rafael, CA 94901-2805
(415) 457-4191

Plus – catch Maryanne in LA. She'll be signing, reading from, and talking all things “Hindsight” at Book Soup on Saturday, September 19th at 1 pm.

Book Soup
8818 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90069-

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Maryanne Live Media

Nor Cal fans, catch Maryanne on the Sac & Co Morning show (KXTV10) in Sacramento talking about Hindsight, the Relationship Toolbelt, and all things sex, love and romance!

Time: 8:00AM Monday, September 14th

*******************


Maryanne Live Workshops

Our next women's CORR certification in Marin is coming up quickly! Join Maryanne as she teaches her “Certificate of Responsible Relationship” which operates on the principle that learning to get centered, focused, and identifying self-defeating patterns is crucial to attracting a great relationship.

October 4th, 1-4 pm
RSVP for further info and location: info@mayannelive.com

Feel like getting away? Meet Maryanne in Maui on October 17th and get an amazing deal on the certification. Maryanne will be co-teaching with inspirational speaker Eve Hogan at Eve's intimate, personal garden on the island. You couldn't ask for a better venue to detoxify from problematic relationships and patterns. Take advantage of this opportunity with amazing savings - $100 for the seminar!

Call 415.464.1324, email info@maryannlive.com or visit askmaryannelive.com for more info!

Guys, this one's for you – and ladies, you should feel free to pass it on to any guy you know in your life who's on a path toward thinking holistically about love, relationships and family.


In my work over the past two-plus decades, I've focused on relationships of many different types – dating, casual, serious, engagement, marriage, divorce, post-divorce … and in my most recent book, “Hindsight: What you need to know before you drop your drawers” I present the relationship toolbelt. Although applicable for just about anyone, the book – and my subsequent teaching on it – is primarily geared toward women.


But I'm also interested in how the male mind relates to relationships, and I there are many, many guys out there who are on paths toward healthy, honest, fulfilling relationships – dating, marriage or otherwise. How we approach relationship and sex cannot be separated from our values about children, marriage and family (considering one primary unconscious drive is to procreate). Having stated the obvious, it’s what isn’t so obvious that I would like to help illuminate with my next book, Investing Your Family Jewels. It’s an attempt to help folks heal and educate themselves so we as a culture are better equipped to raise healthy, thriving children, rather than continue the cycle of dysfunction we each in our own way struggle to be free of.


Okay, men, it’s your turn to tell your version, your truth - in your life and in your relationships. And here are a few questions to help you get started (if you're so inclined, feel free to email your answers – or your story, or both! - to info at maryannelive dot com. We read and respond personally to each email and I may feature you in upcoming work!)


1)Do you respect women?

2)How do you respect them?

3)At the end of the day, do you feel it’s ultimately a woman’s job to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant?

4)If someone you have sex with does get pregnant and decides to keep the baby, what responsibility do you have to this child and to the mother?

5)What do you think a father’s responsibilities are?

6) What qualities should a woman look for in a man they want to have children with?

7) Why do you feel we have such an epidemic of “absent“fathers in our culture?

8) What makes a great father?

9) What sacrifices are men generally unwilling to make to be a great father?

10) What will you never give up to be a great husband and father?

As you ponder these questions – and these are only a few of the ones I've been asking the men in MY life! - here's a little feedback from men I've worked with who are asking the big questions about how they relate to the opposite sex.

The guys' in my first men's relationship class talk about how to be honest about what you want out of a relationship!

So, whatever the reason, you're on the prowl for a significant other. Maybe you feel you're ready for a commitment. Maybe you're looking for companionship. So you feel like your “Mate-dar” (your ability to suss out a great mate) is in full force, turned up top notch. But the truth is – even if you have the purest of intentions for seeking out a relationship – nobody's Mate-dar is perfect.

The problem—or, should I say, one of the many challenges— with being human is knowing the difference between who we are and who we are not. Making the all-important distinction between our unconscious persona and our authentic, healthy, whole selves. Until we have addressed this process it is likely that our wounded little kid has a hold of an adult tool, waving it around like a toy, and then BANG! somebody gets hurt. Our Mate-dar, when operated by our 5-year-old wound, can get us into a lot of trouble—as would any part of ourselves we have not made peace with, healed or become aware of on some level.
In the case of seeking a great partner, when we are seeing through the eyes of a wound we are less likely to see clearly! This can show up in different ways (boy, can they be tricky, slippery and subtle all at once), most of them falling under the guise of denial or rationalization.

Here’s a great story to illustrate how elusive accessing our very own truth can be.

My husband, David, got on the scale this morning. I could hear the clang and distinct argh. “How can that be? I gained four pounds? I have only been eating lettuce all week, for crying out loud.” I tried to comfort him by saying that muscle weighs more than fat, and then burst out laughing, realizing that’s what I told myself last time I got on the scale. After we lavished one and another with a few more excuses, we decided that the scale was broken and we needed to get a new one. One that told us what we wanted to hear! That we were not fat!

I have learned it’s one thing to sit around and bitch and moan wishing things were different, and another to do something about it. So I went for a run, then later we went to get the scale. Apparently doing a little of both.

“It’s never a good idea to weigh yourself late in the day, sweetie” I reminded him as he stepped off the fancy glass scale in Bed Bath and Beyond, that seconds before had held such promise. “Yeah, but this one says I weigh even more than the one at home—did I gain four more pounds since we left?” I wasn’t laughing, as I was about to climb on. Mind you, I don’t make it a habit to get on scales—I know all too well they are not my friends, because I almost never feel better about myself as a result! How bad could it be? I thought. I run and eat well and anyway I would know if I… “What the…? A hundred and…? Wow, I don’t know what to say, except …that scale can’t be right!” I leapt off like it was a bed of hot coals.

“Oh, look, here’s one that tells you how much muscle versus fat you have, and it will show us how much water we are retaining! Let’s try it. You go first!” I said. David placed the Ferrari version of a scale on the floor, took his flip-flops off again and stepped on. “Uh oh…uhhhh… Wait, try that one, that’s just a regular old scale,” and quickly pointed to another. He put the Ferrari one back, put the next one on the floor and hopped on. We both waited as it calculated. “Well, this one says the same thing as the one at home does,” he shrugged. ‘Which means—uh…we’re fat, right?” We both laughed, let it sink in for a minute, and then decided that since we were ready to admit the truth, that we weighed more than we wanted to, we might as well buy the really cool one that told us in great detail all about it.

What the heck does this have to do with relationships? That’s a very good question, and if you answered “Everything!” you are definitely smarter than the average bear!

Pay attention, ‘cause this is some heavy. It doesn’t get any more real than this kind of reality. A huge contributor, if not a top ten reason so many of us don’t have a GREAT relationship, is—we don’t tell ourselves (or others) the truth. It’s an exact proportion, as a matter of fact! Think about it. Let’s say I asked you right now to write down your name, how much you weigh, how much you make a year, the color of your eyes, hair, your shoe size, how tall you are, where you live. Nine out of ten of you would lie about at least half. The rest of you would at least exaggerate or minimize. Don’t believe me, go grab the next person you see and tell them how much you really weigh. How tall you are, to the centimeter. What color your hair really is. How old you actually are. Go down the list; if you are honest with yourself, you will see how often we lie about the most mundane things. Why? Because of what we make it mean:

I weigh X = I am fat = no one will want/love me
I am X years old = I am too old = no one will love me
I am five feet X = too short (or tall) = no one wants that = no one will want me
My real hair color is X = I am unattractive = no one will love me
I make X amount of money = I am poor = no one will want to be with me/love me

So we do what my husband and I tried to do. We slip right into the old river called Denial. We begin with some simple rationalizations, adding or taking away a zero here and there. What harm can it do? we think, Who cares? If I don’t care, why should anyone else? Well, that’s the problem. You do care, or you wouldn’t bother lying—especially to yourself!

You can see how easy it is to miss cues, red flags and warnings or signs from another person that they really aren’t interested. Our agenda for love can be so strong, our wound-ology so ingrained, that it actually distorts reality! Here are some recommendations to help develop or adjust our Mate-dar.

1.One of my favorites is to interview people who have the kind of relationship you want. If you can’t interview, at least pay attention and jot down some features that stand out for you!

2.Date yourself seriously. Yes, seriously…date yourself. Make a date, get ready for it, pick the place you want yourself to take yourself, the whole nine, and do it. How do you like your own company, what do you notice about yourself?

3.Interview yourself. Yeah, why not? Who are you? What do you want out of life? What’s your five-year plan, what is your relationship history? Ask yourself all the questions you would ask of another, and see how you react or what comes up for you.

4.Have a few practice dates with real people to see how well your intuition is working. Yes, a date where you actually try and work on your weakness. Maybe you even ask the person for feedback about you and see how your perceptions compare. Could be very enlightening, if you have the courage!

Look, if you don’t take care to do these things, or things like this, for yourself, why would you expect anyone else to? Awakening to consciousness is not for lightweights—it’s hard work, and you got want the good stuff! Like I always say, great relationships begin within. Don’t kid yourself!

My mother told me I was lucky if I could count all my real friends on one hand!
Must have been fifteen or so years ago now, when it occurred to me after a string of disappointing intimate relationships that maybe she was right—again. That it might be wise to invest more time in creating some deep and lasting friendships, as they theoretically seemed to have greater staying power and could be in many ways equally fulfilling, perhaps in some ways even more.

I must add that, up until that that point, my history with friendships was rather sketchy and my role models even more so. My mother barely trusted women (her best friend slept with my dad) and my father, well, made a lot of offers people couldn’t refuse. Childhood aside, the relationship skills I had gathered afforded me as many pleasant and happy memories as traumatic or forgettable ones.

Over the years, many of the friendships had been more fragile than I liked, and oftentimes out of balance one way or the other. Either I was too needy or too unavailable, or our lifestyles were not totally compatible—being a single mom certainly didn’t help. Yet, the ones I did maintain (for whatever length of time) offered a mutual comfort that, when absent, left me yearning for that very specific kind of connection that only a platonic camaraderie offers—one that, no matter how compatible, a sexual relationship does not.

Finding this handful of friends is, in many cases, no easy task; especially given the cultural fad of vapid, disposable, let’s-do-lunch, I-love-you-after-five-minutes, overweening, entitled, texting, emotionally handicapped, walking wounded human beings most of us act like. And that’s before you even get to hello. Finding your peeps, as they say, isn’t as easy as it seems but, like all good things, is definitely worth the work!

So, how do you tell if someone is got the right stuff to be your new BFF or just a GF? I figure that most of our same propensities arise when it comes to friendship as they do in an intimate relationship—except, of course, Le sexe. It’s safe to say that we are looking for many of the same things in a friendship that we are looking for in a relationship. With a few exceptions:

1)Someone to hang out with (you actually like)
2)Someone you have something in common with (aside from Le sexe)
3)Someone who will listen to your incessant or inane whining should it arise, however untimely
4)Someone who will show a genuine interest in you and your life, however ordinary or dull
5)Someone who has a high tolerance for your weaknesses
6)Someone who will have your back if ever need be
7)Someone you can count on (from OMG I have nothing to wear to my high school reunion, to OMG I have breast cancer and need someone to hold my hand during chemo)
8)Someone who will tell me the truth even if I don’t want to hear it (with compassion when needed)
9)Who doesn’t care if I am 10 pounds overweight (fill in the blank)
10)And still love me if I decide to shave my head, take up drumming and move to India for a year

Finding these select few, these magical, unconditionally (most of the time) loving phenoms can take some sussing out. Once you have decided that you want some great ones—who, if you’re lucky, just may be around throughout your lifetime—here are a few things to keep in mind. They just might make your journey a little easier done than said!

1)Set your intention—it works with friends too. Maybe you want to make two or three new good friends in the next year. Set achievable goals.
2)Set forth your criteria. What do you want? I wanted girlfriends who were self-sustaining, had a daily practice of self-care, who were on a similar spiritual track, and who had impeccable communication skills, etc.
3)List your non-negotiables, the things that just won’t work for you. One of mine was, “If you are upset you need to tell me directly and not make unilateral decisions that affect me as well.”
4)Interview well, ask good questions and wait and see if their actions match their words.
5)Don’t settle (even if you’re bored or desperate, you’ll be sorry you did!).
6)Tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, better now than later, I always say.
7)Set your boundaries regarding money, men, and all things sacred!
8)Give as much as you get and make sure it flows the other way too!
9)Take your time, no need to rush, getting to know a new friend is fun and should be savored, and trust is built over time
10) Most of all, be silly, be yourself, and have some fun!

And remember, great relationships, including friendships, begin within!