Maryanne Comaroto's Blog - Posts Tagged "men"
R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
Guys, this one's for you – and ladies, you should feel free to pass it on to any guy you know in your life who's on a path toward thinking holistically about love, relationships and family.
In my work over the past two-plus decades, I've focused on relationships of many different types – dating, casual, serious, engagement, marriage, divorce, post-divorce … and in my most recent book, “Hindsight: What you need to know before you drop your drawers” I present the relationship toolbelt. Although applicable for just about anyone, the book – and my subsequent teaching on it – is primarily geared toward women.
But I'm also interested in how the male mind relates to relationships, and I there are many, many guys out there who are on paths toward healthy, honest, fulfilling relationships – dating, marriage or otherwise. How we approach relationship and sex cannot be separated from our values about children, marriage and family (considering one primary unconscious drive is to procreate). Having stated the obvious, it’s what isn’t so obvious that I would like to help illuminate with my next book, Investing Your Family Jewels. It’s an attempt to help folks heal and educate themselves so we as a culture are better equipped to raise healthy, thriving children, rather than continue the cycle of dysfunction we each in our own way struggle to be free of.
Okay, men, it’s your turn to tell your version, your truth - in your life and in your relationships. And here are a few questions to help you get started (if you're so inclined, feel free to email your answers – or your story, or both! - to info at maryannelive dot com. We read and respond personally to each email and I may feature you in upcoming work!)
1)Do you respect women?
2)How do you respect them?
3)At the end of the day, do you feel it’s ultimately a woman’s job to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant?
4)If someone you have sex with does get pregnant and decides to keep the baby, what responsibility do you have to this child and to the mother?
5)What do you think a father’s responsibilities are?
6) What qualities should a woman look for in a man they want to have children with?
7) Why do you feel we have such an epidemic of “absent“fathers in our culture?
8) What makes a great father?
9) What sacrifices are men generally unwilling to make to be a great father?
10) What will you never give up to be a great husband and father?
As you ponder these questions – and these are only a few of the ones I've been asking the men in MY life! - here's a little feedback from men I've worked with who are asking the big questions about how they relate to the opposite sex.
The guys' in my first men's relationship class talk about how to be honest about what you want out of a relationship!
In my work over the past two-plus decades, I've focused on relationships of many different types – dating, casual, serious, engagement, marriage, divorce, post-divorce … and in my most recent book, “Hindsight: What you need to know before you drop your drawers” I present the relationship toolbelt. Although applicable for just about anyone, the book – and my subsequent teaching on it – is primarily geared toward women.
But I'm also interested in how the male mind relates to relationships, and I there are many, many guys out there who are on paths toward healthy, honest, fulfilling relationships – dating, marriage or otherwise. How we approach relationship and sex cannot be separated from our values about children, marriage and family (considering one primary unconscious drive is to procreate). Having stated the obvious, it’s what isn’t so obvious that I would like to help illuminate with my next book, Investing Your Family Jewels. It’s an attempt to help folks heal and educate themselves so we as a culture are better equipped to raise healthy, thriving children, rather than continue the cycle of dysfunction we each in our own way struggle to be free of.
Okay, men, it’s your turn to tell your version, your truth - in your life and in your relationships. And here are a few questions to help you get started (if you're so inclined, feel free to email your answers – or your story, or both! - to info at maryannelive dot com. We read and respond personally to each email and I may feature you in upcoming work!)
1)Do you respect women?
2)How do you respect them?
3)At the end of the day, do you feel it’s ultimately a woman’s job to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant?
4)If someone you have sex with does get pregnant and decides to keep the baby, what responsibility do you have to this child and to the mother?
5)What do you think a father’s responsibilities are?
6) What qualities should a woman look for in a man they want to have children with?
7) Why do you feel we have such an epidemic of “absent“fathers in our culture?
8) What makes a great father?
9) What sacrifices are men generally unwilling to make to be a great father?
10) What will you never give up to be a great husband and father?
As you ponder these questions – and these are only a few of the ones I've been asking the men in MY life! - here's a little feedback from men I've worked with who are asking the big questions about how they relate to the opposite sex.
The guys' in my first men's relationship class talk about how to be honest about what you want out of a relationship!
I feel the need for speed
Here’s the deal; the facts are in. At least 50% of marriages don’t make it—which, if you’re a gambler, is slightly better than a crap shoot – this is what I told RadarOnline.com, when asked for a comment about Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom's marriage.
And it would seem obvious to many people that marrying someone you have only known a few weeks would increase your odds of failure…among other things. So perhaps a better question to ask is not what are the downsides, but rather…why? Why get married? So you can have a party? Show up your sister on TV because you are profoundly insecure or desperate for ratings? What’s the rush? It’s not like love has a shelf life. Unless one is deeply religious, which is not evident in this case (correct me if I am wrong; I don’t think so), there are so few reasons to rush into nuptials before we have taken time to do a minimum of due diligence.
What I do know about these two people is they know something about success. It takes discipline, skill and focus (and perhaps a little luck) to turn your desire into reality. Hence my concern, again, about their haste. I am not convinced that these two people understand the game they are in. I feel whatever their motivations for wedlock—“looks good, feels good,” ratings, or whatever—they would benefit by focusing on the fact that the same commitment, discipline and skill that supported their success is needed to enjoy a successful relationship; particularly a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable one.
With all due respect, if these two people love each other, or feel a strong connection and want to jump into marriage (which I likened to jumping out of a plane, considering, well…that they have just barely met), they should strap on a parachute. Which is to say, they should strongly consider checking under the hood to make sure they have what it takes to make the journey before Sunday. Many things are very difficult, if not nearly impossible, to re-negotiate after they say “I do.”
While celebrity marriages may seem qualitatively different than the average boy-meets-girl scenario, all relationships thrive best when they rest on a solid foundation. In some ways, the celebrity relationship needs to pay even greater mind to this, as their relationship is subject to stresses, pressure and scrutiny that on a good day most of us cannot even fathom.
So I would say to this couple, go for it! IF they have managed in this three-week period to establish the following, at minimum:
Their top three non-negotiables.
If this person is worthy of their unconditional devotion and respect.
A strong “out” clause or good consciousness agreement.
If they themselves are a strong, loyal, devoted, trustworthy partner.
They have revealed all their deep secrets or habits that have the potential to destroy the relationship if not revealed and healed.
They have cleaned up all their past relationships.
Have the capacity to tell the truth despite the consequences, and see the value of truth as a cornerstone of their relationship.
Love each other’s friends and current daily lifestyle.
Have agreed upon children and child-rearing responsibilities.
Understand and are in alignment about money.
They are confident in each other’s ability to negotiate their feelings and concerns responsibly.
Know what each other values most in life.
Have shared and are in alignment and support of their 10-year plan.
Have agreed to see someone (either within the family or outside) to act as an unbiased counselor, to help support the relationship should they get stuck or feel they cannot resolve any matter that has the potential to end the relationship.
This, I believe, would afford them a good start. While relationships are a great breeding ground for personal development, chemistry as a litmus test for the potential of a relationship is too often a crash-and-burn method & can be quite painful. Rather than each failed relationship being a lesson learned, the pain becomes either fuel for the next one or a barrier to intimacy.
In our 20s we are at a peak in some ways, in terms of learning about who we are and who we are not, and oftentimes get into relationships based largely on chemistry—without having acquired some essential relationship tools and turned them into skills. Life will teach them soon enough. The good news is, if they really want a healthy relationship they are in a position to develop these skills, provided they have interviewed each other and revealed their shadows and non-negotiables to each other. Some of these deal-breakers, like infidelity or drug or alcohol addiction, are things that you want to know before you get married, not after!
Hard to establish trust when you have had so little time to see if the person’s words and actions match up. If you are in a rush, and clearly Khloe and Lamar seem to be, I’d advise them to take some time before Sunday to drop in with each other, because having a success plan is important! Bottom line, at least half of marriages end in divorce. If you want it to work, make sure you are prepared and have what it takes to make that happen.
To re-cap:
Hard to negotiate your needs after the marriage ceremony; double check your non-negotiables, you two!
What do you want and expect from each other & the marriage: do you both want kids, how will you share your money, or not? I call this a consciousness agreement.
What kind of relationship skills do you bring to the table? Do you have issues with commitment and intimacy, do you have a track record of being able to stay and hang in there when things get tough? “Looks good, feels good” isn’t going to cut it when things get sideways…these things are very difficult to negotiate after you already have established a pattern. Talk about it. What are you committing to?
Happily Ever After is not a place, and chemistry is not enough to keep a relationship together. They say that, in unconsciousness, the thing that brings you together in a relationship will be the thing that pulls you apart. What is your foundation for your relationship? I recommend spirit, God or the divine, and having a real practice.
Love is a choice and a privilege, not a sentence, so act like it!
And it would seem obvious to many people that marrying someone you have only known a few weeks would increase your odds of failure…among other things. So perhaps a better question to ask is not what are the downsides, but rather…why? Why get married? So you can have a party? Show up your sister on TV because you are profoundly insecure or desperate for ratings? What’s the rush? It’s not like love has a shelf life. Unless one is deeply religious, which is not evident in this case (correct me if I am wrong; I don’t think so), there are so few reasons to rush into nuptials before we have taken time to do a minimum of due diligence.
What I do know about these two people is they know something about success. It takes discipline, skill and focus (and perhaps a little luck) to turn your desire into reality. Hence my concern, again, about their haste. I am not convinced that these two people understand the game they are in. I feel whatever their motivations for wedlock—“looks good, feels good,” ratings, or whatever—they would benefit by focusing on the fact that the same commitment, discipline and skill that supported their success is needed to enjoy a successful relationship; particularly a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable one.
With all due respect, if these two people love each other, or feel a strong connection and want to jump into marriage (which I likened to jumping out of a plane, considering, well…that they have just barely met), they should strap on a parachute. Which is to say, they should strongly consider checking under the hood to make sure they have what it takes to make the journey before Sunday. Many things are very difficult, if not nearly impossible, to re-negotiate after they say “I do.”
While celebrity marriages may seem qualitatively different than the average boy-meets-girl scenario, all relationships thrive best when they rest on a solid foundation. In some ways, the celebrity relationship needs to pay even greater mind to this, as their relationship is subject to stresses, pressure and scrutiny that on a good day most of us cannot even fathom.
So I would say to this couple, go for it! IF they have managed in this three-week period to establish the following, at minimum:
Their top three non-negotiables.
If this person is worthy of their unconditional devotion and respect.
A strong “out” clause or good consciousness agreement.
If they themselves are a strong, loyal, devoted, trustworthy partner.
They have revealed all their deep secrets or habits that have the potential to destroy the relationship if not revealed and healed.
They have cleaned up all their past relationships.
Have the capacity to tell the truth despite the consequences, and see the value of truth as a cornerstone of their relationship.
Love each other’s friends and current daily lifestyle.
Have agreed upon children and child-rearing responsibilities.
Understand and are in alignment about money.
They are confident in each other’s ability to negotiate their feelings and concerns responsibly.
Know what each other values most in life.
Have shared and are in alignment and support of their 10-year plan.
Have agreed to see someone (either within the family or outside) to act as an unbiased counselor, to help support the relationship should they get stuck or feel they cannot resolve any matter that has the potential to end the relationship.
This, I believe, would afford them a good start. While relationships are a great breeding ground for personal development, chemistry as a litmus test for the potential of a relationship is too often a crash-and-burn method & can be quite painful. Rather than each failed relationship being a lesson learned, the pain becomes either fuel for the next one or a barrier to intimacy.
In our 20s we are at a peak in some ways, in terms of learning about who we are and who we are not, and oftentimes get into relationships based largely on chemistry—without having acquired some essential relationship tools and turned them into skills. Life will teach them soon enough. The good news is, if they really want a healthy relationship they are in a position to develop these skills, provided they have interviewed each other and revealed their shadows and non-negotiables to each other. Some of these deal-breakers, like infidelity or drug or alcohol addiction, are things that you want to know before you get married, not after!
Hard to establish trust when you have had so little time to see if the person’s words and actions match up. If you are in a rush, and clearly Khloe and Lamar seem to be, I’d advise them to take some time before Sunday to drop in with each other, because having a success plan is important! Bottom line, at least half of marriages end in divorce. If you want it to work, make sure you are prepared and have what it takes to make that happen.
To re-cap:
Hard to negotiate your needs after the marriage ceremony; double check your non-negotiables, you two!
What do you want and expect from each other & the marriage: do you both want kids, how will you share your money, or not? I call this a consciousness agreement.
What kind of relationship skills do you bring to the table? Do you have issues with commitment and intimacy, do you have a track record of being able to stay and hang in there when things get tough? “Looks good, feels good” isn’t going to cut it when things get sideways…these things are very difficult to negotiate after you already have established a pattern. Talk about it. What are you committing to?
Happily Ever After is not a place, and chemistry is not enough to keep a relationship together. They say that, in unconsciousness, the thing that brings you together in a relationship will be the thing that pulls you apart. What is your foundation for your relationship? I recommend spirit, God or the divine, and having a real practice.
Love is a choice and a privilege, not a sentence, so act like it!
Got Friends?
My mother told me I was lucky if I could count all my real friends on one hand!
Must have been fifteen or so years ago now, when it occurred to me after a string of disappointing intimate relationships that maybe she was right—again. That it might be wise to invest more time in creating some deep and lasting friendships, as they theoretically seemed to have greater staying power and could be in many ways equally fulfilling, perhaps in some ways even more.
I must add that, up until that that point, my history with friendships was rather sketchy and my role models even more so. My mother barely trusted women (her best friend slept with my dad) and my father, well, made a lot of offers people couldn’t refuse. Childhood aside, the relationship skills I had gathered afforded me as many pleasant and happy memories as traumatic or forgettable ones.
Over the years, many of the friendships had been more fragile than I liked, and oftentimes out of balance one way or the other. Either I was too needy or too unavailable, or our lifestyles were not totally compatible—being a single mom certainly didn’t help. Yet, the ones I did maintain (for whatever length of time) offered a mutual comfort that, when absent, left me yearning for that very specific kind of connection that only a platonic camaraderie offers—one that, no matter how compatible, a sexual relationship does not.
Finding this handful of friends is, in many cases, no easy task; especially given the cultural fad of vapid, disposable, let’s-do-lunch, I-love-you-after-five-minutes, overweening, entitled, texting, emotionally handicapped, walking wounded human beings most of us act like. And that’s before you even get to hello. Finding your peeps, as they say, isn’t as easy as it seems but, like all good things, is definitely worth the work!
So, how do you tell if someone is got the right stuff to be your new BFF or just a GF? I figure that most of our same propensities arise when it comes to friendship as they do in an intimate relationship—except, of course, Le sexe. It’s safe to say that we are looking for many of the same things in a friendship that we are looking for in a relationship. With a few exceptions:
1)Someone to hang out with (you actually like)
2)Someone you have something in common with (aside from Le sexe)
3)Someone who will listen to your incessant or inane whining should it arise, however untimely
4)Someone who will show a genuine interest in you and your life, however ordinary or dull
5)Someone who has a high tolerance for your weaknesses
6)Someone who will have your back if ever need be
7)Someone you can count on (from OMG I have nothing to wear to my high school reunion, to OMG I have breast cancer and need someone to hold my hand during chemo)
8)Someone who will tell me the truth even if I don’t want to hear it (with compassion when needed)
9)Who doesn’t care if I am 10 pounds overweight (fill in the blank)
10)And still love me if I decide to shave my head, take up drumming and move to India for a year
Finding these select few, these magical, unconditionally (most of the time) loving phenoms can take some sussing out. Once you have decided that you want some great ones—who, if you’re lucky, just may be around throughout your lifetime—here are a few things to keep in mind. They just might make your journey a little easier done than said!
1)Set your intention—it works with friends too. Maybe you want to make two or three new good friends in the next year. Set achievable goals.
2)Set forth your criteria. What do you want? I wanted girlfriends who were self-sustaining, had a daily practice of self-care, who were on a similar spiritual track, and who had impeccable communication skills, etc.
3)List your non-negotiables, the things that just won’t work for you. One of mine was, “If you are upset you need to tell me directly and not make unilateral decisions that affect me as well.”
4)Interview well, ask good questions and wait and see if their actions match their words.
5)Don’t settle (even if you’re bored or desperate, you’ll be sorry you did!).
6)Tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, better now than later, I always say.
7)Set your boundaries regarding money, men, and all things sacred!
8)Give as much as you get and make sure it flows the other way too!
9)Take your time, no need to rush, getting to know a new friend is fun and should be savored, and trust is built over time
10) Most of all, be silly, be yourself, and have some fun!
And remember, great relationships, including friendships, begin within!
Must have been fifteen or so years ago now, when it occurred to me after a string of disappointing intimate relationships that maybe she was right—again. That it might be wise to invest more time in creating some deep and lasting friendships, as they theoretically seemed to have greater staying power and could be in many ways equally fulfilling, perhaps in some ways even more.
I must add that, up until that that point, my history with friendships was rather sketchy and my role models even more so. My mother barely trusted women (her best friend slept with my dad) and my father, well, made a lot of offers people couldn’t refuse. Childhood aside, the relationship skills I had gathered afforded me as many pleasant and happy memories as traumatic or forgettable ones.
Over the years, many of the friendships had been more fragile than I liked, and oftentimes out of balance one way or the other. Either I was too needy or too unavailable, or our lifestyles were not totally compatible—being a single mom certainly didn’t help. Yet, the ones I did maintain (for whatever length of time) offered a mutual comfort that, when absent, left me yearning for that very specific kind of connection that only a platonic camaraderie offers—one that, no matter how compatible, a sexual relationship does not.
Finding this handful of friends is, in many cases, no easy task; especially given the cultural fad of vapid, disposable, let’s-do-lunch, I-love-you-after-five-minutes, overweening, entitled, texting, emotionally handicapped, walking wounded human beings most of us act like. And that’s before you even get to hello. Finding your peeps, as they say, isn’t as easy as it seems but, like all good things, is definitely worth the work!
So, how do you tell if someone is got the right stuff to be your new BFF or just a GF? I figure that most of our same propensities arise when it comes to friendship as they do in an intimate relationship—except, of course, Le sexe. It’s safe to say that we are looking for many of the same things in a friendship that we are looking for in a relationship. With a few exceptions:
1)Someone to hang out with (you actually like)
2)Someone you have something in common with (aside from Le sexe)
3)Someone who will listen to your incessant or inane whining should it arise, however untimely
4)Someone who will show a genuine interest in you and your life, however ordinary or dull
5)Someone who has a high tolerance for your weaknesses
6)Someone who will have your back if ever need be
7)Someone you can count on (from OMG I have nothing to wear to my high school reunion, to OMG I have breast cancer and need someone to hold my hand during chemo)
8)Someone who will tell me the truth even if I don’t want to hear it (with compassion when needed)
9)Who doesn’t care if I am 10 pounds overweight (fill in the blank)
10)And still love me if I decide to shave my head, take up drumming and move to India for a year
Finding these select few, these magical, unconditionally (most of the time) loving phenoms can take some sussing out. Once you have decided that you want some great ones—who, if you’re lucky, just may be around throughout your lifetime—here are a few things to keep in mind. They just might make your journey a little easier done than said!
1)Set your intention—it works with friends too. Maybe you want to make two or three new good friends in the next year. Set achievable goals.
2)Set forth your criteria. What do you want? I wanted girlfriends who were self-sustaining, had a daily practice of self-care, who were on a similar spiritual track, and who had impeccable communication skills, etc.
3)List your non-negotiables, the things that just won’t work for you. One of mine was, “If you are upset you need to tell me directly and not make unilateral decisions that affect me as well.”
4)Interview well, ask good questions and wait and see if their actions match their words.
5)Don’t settle (even if you’re bored or desperate, you’ll be sorry you did!).
6)Tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, better now than later, I always say.
7)Set your boundaries regarding money, men, and all things sacred!
8)Give as much as you get and make sure it flows the other way too!
9)Take your time, no need to rush, getting to know a new friend is fun and should be savored, and trust is built over time
10) Most of all, be silly, be yourself, and have some fun!
And remember, great relationships, including friendships, begin within!
Five Myths of Male Behavior
By Maryanne Comaroto
Here are what I consider to be the top five male mating myths:
1. All the good ones are taken
2. A man’s penis has a mind of its own
3. All men only want one thing
4. Men are dogs
5. Good guys are boring
So let's start at the beginning:
All the good ones are taken
Let’s start with the word ALL. Right away, this sweeping generalization has to tip you off to the fact that’s it not even possible to get around to all 3.4 billion members of the male population to test this ridiculous yet popular notion. Instead, this is an idea conjured from a deeply lacking mentality. I have never believed this. Rather, I thought “So many men, so little time.” And so it was true for me. Energy flows where attention goes, right? So maybe you need to switch up your internal chitchat. Remember, water seeks its own level—like attracts like! OUCH, I know, that stings, and sucks to be with. You may want to consider that perhaps your belief that there are no great ones available is simply a clever way to avoid looking at who you are being and why you attract the kind of men you do. Man up, ladies and take a good look in the mirror. You may not like what you see, but know this—until you do, in the long run, neither will anyone else!
A man’s penis has a mind of its own
Really. This may be the world’s oldest excuse for men behaving badly. Want proof? Set up an interview with one (a penis, that is). I think you’ll find your subject disappointing, aside from one rather impressive calisthenic move. Bring a tape recorder in case you’re the one person in history that will get one to talk instead of drool. Be reminded, ladies, of the definition of mind: That which is responsible for one’s thoughts and feelings; the seat of the faculty of reason.” Should any man want to argue that his penis is the seat of his faculty of reason, RUN!
All men only want one thing
That’s so insulting, not to mention untrue. Donald, my fish, wants more than that. Think about it. If it were true, men would never get into relationships, never marry; heck, never leave their houses, and Vaseline stock would be worth billions. Yes, men love sex, most people do—but don’t sell yourself short.
It may very well be that you have learned (as many women do) to value that most about yourself, and therefore attract men who place that extremely high on their priority list. Again, go to the mirror. What do you value most about yourself –really? What do you believe? The man you attract will simply reflect this belief. How much time and energy do you spend trying to be attractive and alluring? Get a handle on your beliefs and check in with your archetypal seductress; maybe it’s time to re-group, re-prioritize and re-think what you’re putting out there. Lead with sexy, get sex. Lead with your magnificent, authentic, sacred self and, believe it, you’re 100 times more likely to attract the same!
Men are dogs
If you approach any man thinking he’s a dog or someone to be trained, you are in trouble. Relationships are challenging for most of us under the best of circumstances; don’t make it harder by starting out at a deficit, holding anyone you’re interested in such low regard rather than in their highest light. Great relationships require a huge deal of respect to make it over the long haul. If you suspect the person you are with to be operating out of their lower nature, move on. It’s the loving thing to do. We don’t need to pause and let them know what we think needs to be improved, or (in detail) how we feel about the way they are choosing to be. Just notice that it doesn’t jive with what you want for yourself in a partner and respectfully—GO. A great definition of Love I recently heard: Let others voluntarily evolve. WOOF!
Good guys are boring!
Yeah, if you’re a drama junkie. Well, are you? My mother, God bless her, said something to me I have never forgotten. I made the mistake of telling her I was bored once, when I was probably 10 or 11. She smiled and looked squarely at my little face and said simply, “Well, honey, if you’re bored, you’re boring.” I don’t think I’ve been bored a moment since. My mother taught me the lesson of a lifetime; that I am the only person responsible for my delight, my joy, my entertainment and happiness. That the party is wherever I am. I will always be grateful. So many of us women think it’s a man’s job to manage our emotional thermostat. If you want romance, take a bath and light some candles, buy yourself some chocolate or flowers. And while you’re at it, you might want to take a hard look at your relationship history and patterns and explore your love imprint. Saying all men are boring is overly simplistic, and you may miss out on someone who is a sleeper, someone who just needs a while to warm up. Happy trails!
Don't forget, Maryanne's FREE emotional and physical self-defense workshop is this weekend – Sunday, November 1-3 in Marin County, CA. For more info, see http://askmaryannelive.com
Here are what I consider to be the top five male mating myths:
1. All the good ones are taken
2. A man’s penis has a mind of its own
3. All men only want one thing
4. Men are dogs
5. Good guys are boring
So let's start at the beginning:
All the good ones are taken
Let’s start with the word ALL. Right away, this sweeping generalization has to tip you off to the fact that’s it not even possible to get around to all 3.4 billion members of the male population to test this ridiculous yet popular notion. Instead, this is an idea conjured from a deeply lacking mentality. I have never believed this. Rather, I thought “So many men, so little time.” And so it was true for me. Energy flows where attention goes, right? So maybe you need to switch up your internal chitchat. Remember, water seeks its own level—like attracts like! OUCH, I know, that stings, and sucks to be with. You may want to consider that perhaps your belief that there are no great ones available is simply a clever way to avoid looking at who you are being and why you attract the kind of men you do. Man up, ladies and take a good look in the mirror. You may not like what you see, but know this—until you do, in the long run, neither will anyone else!
A man’s penis has a mind of its own
Really. This may be the world’s oldest excuse for men behaving badly. Want proof? Set up an interview with one (a penis, that is). I think you’ll find your subject disappointing, aside from one rather impressive calisthenic move. Bring a tape recorder in case you’re the one person in history that will get one to talk instead of drool. Be reminded, ladies, of the definition of mind: That which is responsible for one’s thoughts and feelings; the seat of the faculty of reason.” Should any man want to argue that his penis is the seat of his faculty of reason, RUN!
All men only want one thing
That’s so insulting, not to mention untrue. Donald, my fish, wants more than that. Think about it. If it were true, men would never get into relationships, never marry; heck, never leave their houses, and Vaseline stock would be worth billions. Yes, men love sex, most people do—but don’t sell yourself short.
It may very well be that you have learned (as many women do) to value that most about yourself, and therefore attract men who place that extremely high on their priority list. Again, go to the mirror. What do you value most about yourself –really? What do you believe? The man you attract will simply reflect this belief. How much time and energy do you spend trying to be attractive and alluring? Get a handle on your beliefs and check in with your archetypal seductress; maybe it’s time to re-group, re-prioritize and re-think what you’re putting out there. Lead with sexy, get sex. Lead with your magnificent, authentic, sacred self and, believe it, you’re 100 times more likely to attract the same!
Men are dogs
If you approach any man thinking he’s a dog or someone to be trained, you are in trouble. Relationships are challenging for most of us under the best of circumstances; don’t make it harder by starting out at a deficit, holding anyone you’re interested in such low regard rather than in their highest light. Great relationships require a huge deal of respect to make it over the long haul. If you suspect the person you are with to be operating out of their lower nature, move on. It’s the loving thing to do. We don’t need to pause and let them know what we think needs to be improved, or (in detail) how we feel about the way they are choosing to be. Just notice that it doesn’t jive with what you want for yourself in a partner and respectfully—GO. A great definition of Love I recently heard: Let others voluntarily evolve. WOOF!
Good guys are boring!
Yeah, if you’re a drama junkie. Well, are you? My mother, God bless her, said something to me I have never forgotten. I made the mistake of telling her I was bored once, when I was probably 10 or 11. She smiled and looked squarely at my little face and said simply, “Well, honey, if you’re bored, you’re boring.” I don’t think I’ve been bored a moment since. My mother taught me the lesson of a lifetime; that I am the only person responsible for my delight, my joy, my entertainment and happiness. That the party is wherever I am. I will always be grateful. So many of us women think it’s a man’s job to manage our emotional thermostat. If you want romance, take a bath and light some candles, buy yourself some chocolate or flowers. And while you’re at it, you might want to take a hard look at your relationship history and patterns and explore your love imprint. Saying all men are boring is overly simplistic, and you may miss out on someone who is a sleeper, someone who just needs a while to warm up. Happy trails!
Don't forget, Maryanne's FREE emotional and physical self-defense workshop is this weekend – Sunday, November 1-3 in Marin County, CA. For more info, see http://askmaryannelive.com
Are monkeys more sexually evolved than we are?
Listener Question: Tell me, why does dropping one’s drawers have to be the line of demarcation? Is that really the point of no return? If so, then why do you consider it as such? My studies of aboriginal Polynesian societies have led me to delve into customs of touching in other nearly nude societies, including those of primates, with whom we share 98% of our DNA. These societies have no drawers to drop, yet raised peaceful, sexually wise kids.
Maryanne Answer: Good question: what about dropping one’s drawers creates such a hard line?
I believe it was Ted Bundy, one of the most notorious Mr. Wrongs of our time, who said, as long as we have pornography men will continue to victimize and harm women. This might explain why we do not live in a naked, leaf-eating, peaceful, sexually wise culture. IT’S NOT SAFE FOR WOMEN—yet. And while the Aboriginals may be sexually more evolved, they currently do not have access to all our forms of soul-sucking, spirit-killing, de-humanizing programming.
In the meantime, I realized if we put that 2% of genetic difference to work we might be able to counter the overwhelming amount of suffering men and women experience in relationship. I saw a corollary between pausing prior to drawer droppage to consider, at length, its consequences, and the aforementioned suffering. That if we just waited a little longer before we succumb to this impulse, we had a greater likelihood of creating healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship.
Somehow, it doesn’t seem likely the FDA will attach a human sexuality instruction manual to our bodies that reads like a prescription warning label. “WARNING, may be HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH if taken internally. Do not drink ALCOHOL while handling, may cause heart palpitations, intense longing, dizziness, trouble concentrating, financial hemorrhaging, loss of memory, pregnancy and, in some cases, death. Consult your doctor if any of these symptoms persist.”
I wrote Hindsight, What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers, instead, hoping to inspire an alternate impulse—to pause (not paws). To globally build our collective conscious imperative to delay our gratification, for the sake of man (and woman) kind. To build our global muscle that has atrophied in the wake of our fast-food mentality, and resurrect the ultimate truth that there is freedom in discipline, that the mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master. To use that 2% for everything it’s worth so that maybe someday, sooner rather than later, our priorities will change and we will value and hold in unison that which is naturally sacred before we all cross the point of no return.
But before we race off to transform ourselves, just because we can, let’s make an important distinction between humans and primates. While there may be only a 2% genetic difference between monkeys and men, it is our ability to consider whether or not we ever “drop our drawers” which makes all the difference in the world. That said, we all need role models from time to time; why not an ape or an aboriginal? So let’s not look a gift horse (or any other animal, tribe, or alien) in the mouth, and take good relationship modeling where we can get it! If there is something to be learned from our furry or our scantily clad friends, if they can help us better determine optimal drawer droppage in this time/space continuum, far be it for me to stand in the way of such monkey business!
<3 maryanne
https://www.maryannelive.com
Maryanne Answer: Good question: what about dropping one’s drawers creates such a hard line?
I believe it was Ted Bundy, one of the most notorious Mr. Wrongs of our time, who said, as long as we have pornography men will continue to victimize and harm women. This might explain why we do not live in a naked, leaf-eating, peaceful, sexually wise culture. IT’S NOT SAFE FOR WOMEN—yet. And while the Aboriginals may be sexually more evolved, they currently do not have access to all our forms of soul-sucking, spirit-killing, de-humanizing programming.
In the meantime, I realized if we put that 2% of genetic difference to work we might be able to counter the overwhelming amount of suffering men and women experience in relationship. I saw a corollary between pausing prior to drawer droppage to consider, at length, its consequences, and the aforementioned suffering. That if we just waited a little longer before we succumb to this impulse, we had a greater likelihood of creating healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship.
Somehow, it doesn’t seem likely the FDA will attach a human sexuality instruction manual to our bodies that reads like a prescription warning label. “WARNING, may be HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH if taken internally. Do not drink ALCOHOL while handling, may cause heart palpitations, intense longing, dizziness, trouble concentrating, financial hemorrhaging, loss of memory, pregnancy and, in some cases, death. Consult your doctor if any of these symptoms persist.”
I wrote Hindsight, What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers, instead, hoping to inspire an alternate impulse—to pause (not paws). To globally build our collective conscious imperative to delay our gratification, for the sake of man (and woman) kind. To build our global muscle that has atrophied in the wake of our fast-food mentality, and resurrect the ultimate truth that there is freedom in discipline, that the mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master. To use that 2% for everything it’s worth so that maybe someday, sooner rather than later, our priorities will change and we will value and hold in unison that which is naturally sacred before we all cross the point of no return.
But before we race off to transform ourselves, just because we can, let’s make an important distinction between humans and primates. While there may be only a 2% genetic difference between monkeys and men, it is our ability to consider whether or not we ever “drop our drawers” which makes all the difference in the world. That said, we all need role models from time to time; why not an ape or an aboriginal? So let’s not look a gift horse (or any other animal, tribe, or alien) in the mouth, and take good relationship modeling where we can get it! If there is something to be learned from our furry or our scantily clad friends, if they can help us better determine optimal drawer droppage in this time/space continuum, far be it for me to stand in the way of such monkey business!
<3 maryanne
https://www.maryannelive.com
