Colleen Kachmann's Blog
October 5, 2016
Bad Food Kills Good People
We all have our political passions...that one issue that energizes us to stand up, speak up, vote, boycott, and be willing to loose friends to defend our beliefs and convince others to join the cause.
When simple words become political issues, emotions replace reason: abortion, free health care, big government, gun control, gay marriage, immigration, nuclear warfare, strip mining, taxes, vaccines, war and more. No matter how logical a compromise might sound, you can't meet on middle ground when you feel the need to stand firm atop the moral high ground.
But as debate rhetoric clogs up the airwaves with polarized opinions and undeniable statistics of senseless deaths, such as the fact that there were 30,000 gun-related deaths last year, it's alarming that we turn a blind eye to the 1.1 million people that died from heart disease and cancer. And with 26 million American's living with diabetes, it's time to acknowledge that the drive-thrus kill far more people than drive-bys. Bad food kills good people.
Millions of people are dying from curable disease. And if 75%of all chronic disease is preventable, why are we so focused on racing for the cure, and raising money to pay for drugs and treatments that don't actually cure anything? The TRUTH is that we don't have to get sick in the first place.
It's estimated that only 2-3% of all cancers can be attributed to genes. And even then, mutant genes must be activated. Gene expression is usually triggered by environmental factors. In our bodies, the external world becomes internal with every bite of food we ingest.
What we eat creates our health. Every meal, every day, we become what we eat. And while many people might look at cost as a prohibitive factor to eating organic, high quality whole foods, the true cost of cheap, bad food is evident in the $3 trillion dollars spent on health care each year.
Every time we open a package of processed food, unwrap a "value meal" from a cheap restaurant, or "treat" ourselves with unnaturally colored and flavored, trans-fat and cholesterol-laden ingredients grown in fertilized soil and treated with pesticides designed to KILL the animals that threaten the profitable and genetically modified crop, we not only poison ourselves, we MISS OUT on the abundance of antioxidants, phytochemicals and enzymes divinely provided to support life, and protect us from the external poisons, natural and unnatural, that are inevitable.
You won't die from eating a donut. Or a pop tart. Or a greasy pizza. Or drinking a soda pop. Eating a serving of bacon, chicken or beef--or cookies, candy or cheese-in-a-can-- is no less healthy than say, 1 cigarette.
But my grandpa lived to be 90 as a heavy smoker. It was my grandma who died of cancer at 33 years of age. You never know how much is too much for you until it's too late.
But one thing is for sure. Bad food kills even good people at some point. Food is the problem. But good news. Food is the solution. Real food. Watch Ron Finley's amazing efforts to transform South Central, California.
When simple words become political issues, emotions replace reason: abortion, free health care, big government, gun control, gay marriage, immigration, nuclear warfare, strip mining, taxes, vaccines, war and more. No matter how logical a compromise might sound, you can't meet on middle ground when you feel the need to stand firm atop the moral high ground.
But as debate rhetoric clogs up the airwaves with polarized opinions and undeniable statistics of senseless deaths, such as the fact that there were 30,000 gun-related deaths last year, it's alarming that we turn a blind eye to the 1.1 million people that died from heart disease and cancer. And with 26 million American's living with diabetes, it's time to acknowledge that the drive-thrus kill far more people than drive-bys. Bad food kills good people.
Millions of people are dying from curable disease. And if 75%of all chronic disease is preventable, why are we so focused on racing for the cure, and raising money to pay for drugs and treatments that don't actually cure anything? The TRUTH is that we don't have to get sick in the first place.
It's estimated that only 2-3% of all cancers can be attributed to genes. And even then, mutant genes must be activated. Gene expression is usually triggered by environmental factors. In our bodies, the external world becomes internal with every bite of food we ingest.
What we eat creates our health. Every meal, every day, we become what we eat. And while many people might look at cost as a prohibitive factor to eating organic, high quality whole foods, the true cost of cheap, bad food is evident in the $3 trillion dollars spent on health care each year.
Every time we open a package of processed food, unwrap a "value meal" from a cheap restaurant, or "treat" ourselves with unnaturally colored and flavored, trans-fat and cholesterol-laden ingredients grown in fertilized soil and treated with pesticides designed to KILL the animals that threaten the profitable and genetically modified crop, we not only poison ourselves, we MISS OUT on the abundance of antioxidants, phytochemicals and enzymes divinely provided to support life, and protect us from the external poisons, natural and unnatural, that are inevitable.
You won't die from eating a donut. Or a pop tart. Or a greasy pizza. Or drinking a soda pop. Eating a serving of bacon, chicken or beef--or cookies, candy or cheese-in-a-can-- is no less healthy than say, 1 cigarette.
But my grandpa lived to be 90 as a heavy smoker. It was my grandma who died of cancer at 33 years of age. You never know how much is too much for you until it's too late.
But one thing is for sure. Bad food kills even good people at some point. Food is the problem. But good news. Food is the solution. Real food. Watch Ron Finley's amazing efforts to transform South Central, California.
8 Ways to Repair Relationships
We are all forced to interact with people we’d rather not. Sometimes we need to repair relationships with people we love when toxic tailspins threaten our family. Relationships are living entities and must be nurtured. Even despite good intentions, sometimes we just have to let go and move on. But when that’s not possible or desired, these 8 empowering strategies will repair relationships. Stop the circular conversations and start fresh with a positive approach.
STOP post-drama analysis and commentary.
When friction heats negative emotions, everyone involved in the conflict is going to get burned. Do not participate in discussions that rehash who said what, what they really meant and why they are wrong. Whatever you pay attention to grows; what you neglect dies. Assigning blame in order to justify your own behavior just perpetuates the problem. Don’t dwell on the dirty details. Instead take action to create solutions and look forward to new results.
START looking at the whole person and not the perceived offense.
Everyone has unseen stress that affects their behavior, and approaching people with empathy instead of judgment enhances our perception. We all have multiple roles as parents, children, siblings, subordinates, managers, co-workers and caregivers. Set your assumptions aside and take interest in the individual. What are they proud of and what challenges do they face? Offer compassion where they might need it and admiration where they deserve it. You may realize that you've misjudged someone or you may simply repair relationships for a self-serving purpose. But you can’t make an informed decision until you give credit to viewpoints other than your own.
STOP recruiting support.
Campaign efforts to tell your “side” of the story only create division and should be saved for team sports and political efforts. In families and at work, there may be people with whom you don't click, but no good comes when individuals form alliances against others on the same team. If you’ve done nothing wrong, no defense strategy is required. The more you argue your point the less valid it becomes. If someone is being a jerk or treating you unfairly, others will see that. Adding your own noise to the chaos only calls your integrity into question. It’s not your job to correct the problem if you are not the problem, or change minds that are content to stay fixed. Everyone has the right to be wrong.
START creating positive interactions.
When a relationship contains animosity, look for opportunities to share experiences that bring you together. Extend an invitation for lunch, ask for advice on an issue of their expertise, and notice the successes they have in other areas. Find something you have in common and initiate conversations that create camaraderie. Offer sincere compliments, smile when you are around them and go out of your way to support them when you can. Be willing to fake it until you make it. When you find yourself thinking negatively about a person, refocus on their positive attributes or think about something else. Accept the person for who they are, not who you think they should be. Who they are and what they think is actually none of your business.
STOP talking when you feel angry.
Nothing positive is created with negative energy. Losing control of your emotions is a sure way to not get what you want. When conversations take a turn for the worse, recognize that it needs to be tabled for another time. Communicate this politely and remove yourself from volatile situations that are headed in the wrong direction. Saying, “I need some time to put this into perspective before I respond” demonstrates respect for both points of view. It may be five minutes in the restroom and it may be a few weeks. You may return only to discover it doesn’t matter anymore. But putting space between the trigger and your response allows you to calmly assess the situation and repair relationships that are struggling.
START listening to what’s being said instead of how it’s being said.
Relationships are based on interdependence and communication is critical as we give, take, share and exchange. Being too dependent on someone leads to resentment by both parties as control issues create imbalance. Being completely independent cancels the need for the relationship. Interdependance requires discussion. Learn to accept messages without shooting the messenger. If a conversation bothers you, recognize that it’s not the person that’s the problem. It’s your reaction to that person.
STOP taking things personally.
What others say and do tells you who they are. It’s not about you. Your feelings about the actions and words of others are your own responsibility. No one is obligated to make you feel better and no one can make you feel bad unless you agree to do so. Shameful put-downs and subtle snobbery are emotional manipulators. They can and should be ignored. No one can push your buttons without access, so keep healthy boundaries and recognize your vulnerabilities so they do not work against you. When someone approaches you with a legitimate concern, listen and take corrective action if you agree. If not, assert yourself in a respectful way, agree to disagree and accept the consequences of subsequent events. We all make mistakes and need guidance from time to time. Learn to take constructive feedback without internalizing it as criticism. When someone is having a bad day and wants to take it out on you, don’t feel obligated to share in their distress. When you realize the actions of others do not reflect who you are, you’ll repair relationships and experience personal and professional success.
START envisioning the ideal dynamic and behave as though it is already a reality.
You can’t change anyone but yourself, so become the change you want to see. It takes two people to participate in conflict but only one to decline the offer. Relationships have three components: two individuals and one dynamic of exchange. This provides you with two avenues of influence. When dealing with people who are mandatory (your boss/coworker) or desired (family or friend) look for ways to alter your own thoughts, words and behavior to create positive interactions. If you don’t like what you are getting out of a relationship, change what you are putting into it.
Good luck! May the force of peace be with you as you repair relationships that matter.
STOP post-drama analysis and commentary.
When friction heats negative emotions, everyone involved in the conflict is going to get burned. Do not participate in discussions that rehash who said what, what they really meant and why they are wrong. Whatever you pay attention to grows; what you neglect dies. Assigning blame in order to justify your own behavior just perpetuates the problem. Don’t dwell on the dirty details. Instead take action to create solutions and look forward to new results.
START looking at the whole person and not the perceived offense.
Everyone has unseen stress that affects their behavior, and approaching people with empathy instead of judgment enhances our perception. We all have multiple roles as parents, children, siblings, subordinates, managers, co-workers and caregivers. Set your assumptions aside and take interest in the individual. What are they proud of and what challenges do they face? Offer compassion where they might need it and admiration where they deserve it. You may realize that you've misjudged someone or you may simply repair relationships for a self-serving purpose. But you can’t make an informed decision until you give credit to viewpoints other than your own.
STOP recruiting support.
Campaign efforts to tell your “side” of the story only create division and should be saved for team sports and political efforts. In families and at work, there may be people with whom you don't click, but no good comes when individuals form alliances against others on the same team. If you’ve done nothing wrong, no defense strategy is required. The more you argue your point the less valid it becomes. If someone is being a jerk or treating you unfairly, others will see that. Adding your own noise to the chaos only calls your integrity into question. It’s not your job to correct the problem if you are not the problem, or change minds that are content to stay fixed. Everyone has the right to be wrong.
START creating positive interactions.
When a relationship contains animosity, look for opportunities to share experiences that bring you together. Extend an invitation for lunch, ask for advice on an issue of their expertise, and notice the successes they have in other areas. Find something you have in common and initiate conversations that create camaraderie. Offer sincere compliments, smile when you are around them and go out of your way to support them when you can. Be willing to fake it until you make it. When you find yourself thinking negatively about a person, refocus on their positive attributes or think about something else. Accept the person for who they are, not who you think they should be. Who they are and what they think is actually none of your business.
STOP talking when you feel angry.
Nothing positive is created with negative energy. Losing control of your emotions is a sure way to not get what you want. When conversations take a turn for the worse, recognize that it needs to be tabled for another time. Communicate this politely and remove yourself from volatile situations that are headed in the wrong direction. Saying, “I need some time to put this into perspective before I respond” demonstrates respect for both points of view. It may be five minutes in the restroom and it may be a few weeks. You may return only to discover it doesn’t matter anymore. But putting space between the trigger and your response allows you to calmly assess the situation and repair relationships that are struggling.
START listening to what’s being said instead of how it’s being said.
Relationships are based on interdependence and communication is critical as we give, take, share and exchange. Being too dependent on someone leads to resentment by both parties as control issues create imbalance. Being completely independent cancels the need for the relationship. Interdependance requires discussion. Learn to accept messages without shooting the messenger. If a conversation bothers you, recognize that it’s not the person that’s the problem. It’s your reaction to that person.
STOP taking things personally.
What others say and do tells you who they are. It’s not about you. Your feelings about the actions and words of others are your own responsibility. No one is obligated to make you feel better and no one can make you feel bad unless you agree to do so. Shameful put-downs and subtle snobbery are emotional manipulators. They can and should be ignored. No one can push your buttons without access, so keep healthy boundaries and recognize your vulnerabilities so they do not work against you. When someone approaches you with a legitimate concern, listen and take corrective action if you agree. If not, assert yourself in a respectful way, agree to disagree and accept the consequences of subsequent events. We all make mistakes and need guidance from time to time. Learn to take constructive feedback without internalizing it as criticism. When someone is having a bad day and wants to take it out on you, don’t feel obligated to share in their distress. When you realize the actions of others do not reflect who you are, you’ll repair relationships and experience personal and professional success.
START envisioning the ideal dynamic and behave as though it is already a reality.
You can’t change anyone but yourself, so become the change you want to see. It takes two people to participate in conflict but only one to decline the offer. Relationships have three components: two individuals and one dynamic of exchange. This provides you with two avenues of influence. When dealing with people who are mandatory (your boss/coworker) or desired (family or friend) look for ways to alter your own thoughts, words and behavior to create positive interactions. If you don’t like what you are getting out of a relationship, change what you are putting into it.
Good luck! May the force of peace be with you as you repair relationships that matter.
Veggies and Kids: Best Practices for Bribery, Extortion, Imprisonment and Misinformation
Vegetables and kids often go cuff-n-hand...
Anyone who has ever fed a child knows that no matter what you feed them, they are going to resist. From the first taste of a new formula or milk, to the first jar of peas or peaches, each new smell, flavor and texture is a process, and the first step always include spitting and maybe even vomit.
So we create routines and comfort, even songs and rewards, around eating-- overselling our efforts like cheap car salesmen. And one day, apple oatmeal in the Dora bowl with the Superman spoon on the Mickey Mouse placemat is the only acceptable option for all three meals. But a week later, the same magical combination invokes a temper tantrum worthy of YouTube, and we're back to playing airplane with strained bananas.
So many factors play into a child's bipolar appetite. Growth spurts, siblings, millions of marketing images, teeth (or lack thereof), taste buds, texture, hot and cold, interested dogs and curious cats, attention span, energy levels, parental reaction and past experiences. The very least of these factors is probably the actual compatibility of the food with the child's palate.
I've heard that a food has to be introduced SEVEN times before a child accepts it. And according to the anectdotal evidence that I've been collecting for the last 14 years, this is a ridiculously inaccurate underestimate. You ask me how I get my kids to eat kale and beans? Well, the same way every other parent feeds their child. I do and I don't. Go to the Burger King playground and listen to all the parents insisting that a child "finish that hamburger and fries before playtime", and check out all of the food thrown on the floor, stuffed in wrappers and thrown away.
Getting kids to eat ANYTHING requires Nobel Peace Prize-worthy ingenuity and patience, SWAT team-level negotiation skills, and government intelligence training in manipulation and subterfuge. At any given meal, whoever is smarter, richer and more stubborn has the best shot at winning the game, but there are no sure bets. The taste of defeat is bitter, and goes best coupled with a nice Merlot.
My first approach was to transition the children gradually...limiting their animal products, processed foods and snacks and asking them to just try my meals. And that completely DID NOT WORK.They had no interest (i.e. motivation) to eat the food I was cooking because they would just hold out and sneak a PB&J sandwich, eat a freezer pizza or blow through a box of cereal when I wasn't looking. There became a flourishing black market for contraband in my upstairs...hidden food, secret codes, barters for favors, cash and candy. Strange, unmarked packages came from UPS addressed to my 13 year old. I was actually quite impressed with the little mobsters. They weren't arguing with me or each other, and they were happily supportive of my new vegan efforts. But there was too much eye contact, weird hand-signals and positive team spirit at the table....Big Red Flags. So, phase 2 was complete immersion. I bought nothing that wasn't vegan, and I stopped buying unlimited amounts of bread and peanut butter. There were no chips, cereal or frozen pizzas. The kitchen landscape was barren and my children began to look....thin and hungry. Aghhhh...I was finally getting somewhere. Next, I attempted to indoctrinate them emotionally, and had them view Food Inc, SuperSize Me, and some horrific documentaries showing slaughter houses and chicken farms so that they could glimpse a little of the reality that was fueling my passion. But emotions fade as appetite rises, so their childish convictions rightfully and expectedly wain with the tide.
For the next few months, I put unbelievable stress on myself to make three vegan meals a day for each member of my family, no matter how many different directions we were running. No matter who was going where, I cooked in advance and filled coolers and baskets with appropriate fare. I sent lunch boxes, brown bags, and trays of separately made pizza, soy dogs, shamburgers and snacks to school, parties and friends. There was no eating out, no stopping for something quick and no compromises. Within six months, I needed a vacation in the psychiatric ward.
But it was all part of the process. It's been four years, and my kids have not starved or developed any malnourishment diseases. In fact, they are thriving. They will tell you "Our mom is vegan, so we are too at home"....Which is GREAT! (But stay out of their way at the Pizza Hut Buffet line!) The foods and flavors I've introduced my kids to are not the usual American cuisine....But who wants to be normal? I've learned how to camouflage the massive amounts of vegetables I include in my dishes (BLENDER!), and they've learned that beans do not mean daddy lost his job. And ketchup still goes a long way to disguise nutritious substances. They've learned to text their dad a wish list if he's stopping at the grocery, and though I hear the rustling of bags and the whispered exchange of goods and services, I don't mind as long as they come to the table hungry and act appropriately grateful for my efforts. I don't buy snacks and extras on a regular basis, but a Friday night party is just that, and I try to create vegan treats that qualify as junk food.
So how do you get your kids to eat what you cook? First you cook it. Then you serve it, and sit with them while they investigate it. Give them your opinion on it. (I don't like everything I make!) Let them explore the tastes and texture. I often tell my kids they can 'pick out' one or two things...and then take pride in all the good stuff they are still eating. And a little hunger goes a long way. No one is going to starve. Kids in third world countries stand in line for hours just to receive a small portion of bland rice or mush or ANYTHING. I'm just saying. Picky is directly proportional to choice.
And then you may negotiate a certain number of bites. You might get angry and throw the dish in the sink, and you may quietly surrender to their opposition and eat it all yourself. They may go to bed hungry, and they may find mercy in a PB&J sandwich.
It's all part of the process, and it's the same in every home, regardless of the type of food you cook or how picky you think your kids are. It's a comedy of errors, an exercise in futility and a journey of love. And it is SO worth it!
Anyone who has ever fed a child knows that no matter what you feed them, they are going to resist. From the first taste of a new formula or milk, to the first jar of peas or peaches, each new smell, flavor and texture is a process, and the first step always include spitting and maybe even vomit.
So we create routines and comfort, even songs and rewards, around eating-- overselling our efforts like cheap car salesmen. And one day, apple oatmeal in the Dora bowl with the Superman spoon on the Mickey Mouse placemat is the only acceptable option for all three meals. But a week later, the same magical combination invokes a temper tantrum worthy of YouTube, and we're back to playing airplane with strained bananas.
So many factors play into a child's bipolar appetite. Growth spurts, siblings, millions of marketing images, teeth (or lack thereof), taste buds, texture, hot and cold, interested dogs and curious cats, attention span, energy levels, parental reaction and past experiences. The very least of these factors is probably the actual compatibility of the food with the child's palate.
I've heard that a food has to be introduced SEVEN times before a child accepts it. And according to the anectdotal evidence that I've been collecting for the last 14 years, this is a ridiculously inaccurate underestimate. You ask me how I get my kids to eat kale and beans? Well, the same way every other parent feeds their child. I do and I don't. Go to the Burger King playground and listen to all the parents insisting that a child "finish that hamburger and fries before playtime", and check out all of the food thrown on the floor, stuffed in wrappers and thrown away.
Getting kids to eat ANYTHING requires Nobel Peace Prize-worthy ingenuity and patience, SWAT team-level negotiation skills, and government intelligence training in manipulation and subterfuge. At any given meal, whoever is smarter, richer and more stubborn has the best shot at winning the game, but there are no sure bets. The taste of defeat is bitter, and goes best coupled with a nice Merlot.
My first approach was to transition the children gradually...limiting their animal products, processed foods and snacks and asking them to just try my meals. And that completely DID NOT WORK.They had no interest (i.e. motivation) to eat the food I was cooking because they would just hold out and sneak a PB&J sandwich, eat a freezer pizza or blow through a box of cereal when I wasn't looking. There became a flourishing black market for contraband in my upstairs...hidden food, secret codes, barters for favors, cash and candy. Strange, unmarked packages came from UPS addressed to my 13 year old. I was actually quite impressed with the little mobsters. They weren't arguing with me or each other, and they were happily supportive of my new vegan efforts. But there was too much eye contact, weird hand-signals and positive team spirit at the table....Big Red Flags. So, phase 2 was complete immersion. I bought nothing that wasn't vegan, and I stopped buying unlimited amounts of bread and peanut butter. There were no chips, cereal or frozen pizzas. The kitchen landscape was barren and my children began to look....thin and hungry. Aghhhh...I was finally getting somewhere. Next, I attempted to indoctrinate them emotionally, and had them view Food Inc, SuperSize Me, and some horrific documentaries showing slaughter houses and chicken farms so that they could glimpse a little of the reality that was fueling my passion. But emotions fade as appetite rises, so their childish convictions rightfully and expectedly wain with the tide.
For the next few months, I put unbelievable stress on myself to make three vegan meals a day for each member of my family, no matter how many different directions we were running. No matter who was going where, I cooked in advance and filled coolers and baskets with appropriate fare. I sent lunch boxes, brown bags, and trays of separately made pizza, soy dogs, shamburgers and snacks to school, parties and friends. There was no eating out, no stopping for something quick and no compromises. Within six months, I needed a vacation in the psychiatric ward.
But it was all part of the process. It's been four years, and my kids have not starved or developed any malnourishment diseases. In fact, they are thriving. They will tell you "Our mom is vegan, so we are too at home"....Which is GREAT! (But stay out of their way at the Pizza Hut Buffet line!) The foods and flavors I've introduced my kids to are not the usual American cuisine....But who wants to be normal? I've learned how to camouflage the massive amounts of vegetables I include in my dishes (BLENDER!), and they've learned that beans do not mean daddy lost his job. And ketchup still goes a long way to disguise nutritious substances. They've learned to text their dad a wish list if he's stopping at the grocery, and though I hear the rustling of bags and the whispered exchange of goods and services, I don't mind as long as they come to the table hungry and act appropriately grateful for my efforts. I don't buy snacks and extras on a regular basis, but a Friday night party is just that, and I try to create vegan treats that qualify as junk food.
So how do you get your kids to eat what you cook? First you cook it. Then you serve it, and sit with them while they investigate it. Give them your opinion on it. (I don't like everything I make!) Let them explore the tastes and texture. I often tell my kids they can 'pick out' one or two things...and then take pride in all the good stuff they are still eating. And a little hunger goes a long way. No one is going to starve. Kids in third world countries stand in line for hours just to receive a small portion of bland rice or mush or ANYTHING. I'm just saying. Picky is directly proportional to choice.
And then you may negotiate a certain number of bites. You might get angry and throw the dish in the sink, and you may quietly surrender to their opposition and eat it all yourself. They may go to bed hungry, and they may find mercy in a PB&J sandwich.
It's all part of the process, and it's the same in every home, regardless of the type of food you cook or how picky you think your kids are. It's a comedy of errors, an exercise in futility and a journey of love. And it is SO worth it!
Congratulations: You're Getting a Divorce
“Congratulations! You’re getting a divorce!”
When you tell people you are getting a divorce, there is an awkward moment of silence. It’s the biggest party foul statement you can make. Usually, the next thing that is said is, “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.”
But anyone that’s been through a divorce knows the emotional battle that has been waged prior to deciding to end a marriage. And putting an end to the suffering, for both parties, deserves only one comment.
“Congratulations!”
Divorce is awful. But contrary to the evil images of broken families, broken hearts and shattered dreams, the divorce isn’t the problem at this point. It’s the solution. And it’s a profound moment of relief to hear the counselor say, “children would rather be from a broken home than living in one.”
Divorce doesn’t create a broken family, it simply exposes it. Similar to having your car breakdown on the highway of life, once you decide to divorce, all of your shit is laying on the side of the road for everyone to pilfer, ponder and judge. A couple that decides to end their marriage undoubtedly has years of financial dysfunction, emotional co-dependency and passive (or not so much) aggressive habits. It’s been there, lurking behind eye-rolls and sarcastic commentary, but denial is easier than dealing.
When the only thing worse than going through a divorce is staying in a miserable marriage, you know you’re doing the right thing. Yes, the RIGHT thing. Divorce can save two good people from a toxic tailspin that is keeping them both from living a great life.
It takes a lot of courage, effort and hard work to finally take control of your life. It would be easier to stay and simply blame your own bad behavior on someone else’s refusal to participate. Staying is assumed to be the selfless thing to do.
But selfless people who deny themselves independence, happiness and passion become martyrs that demand sympathy. No one, including and especially the children, benefits from self-denial. Everyone deserves the best. Always. Being unhappy is never a productive endeavor. For anyone. You can't sacrifice your happiness to give someone else theirs. It doesn't work that way.
Anger is similar to pain, in that it’s there for a reason. And the message that it delivers is always the same. You’re doing it wrong. Yes. You. It’s not your spouse. It’s not your financial circumstances. It’s not your job. It's not your kids. It's not your friends, or lack thereof.
It’s your choices. It’s your thinking. It’s your words and actions.
But once you realize that you are the problem, it’s the best day ever. Because then you can finally see that YOU are the solution.
Your anger serves a purpose. And continuing to live an angry life is only to punish yourself for someone else’s perceived crimes. When you take ownership of the anger inside you, and stop believing that someone else is making you feel the way you do, you will finally discover that it is only you that stands in the way of your own happiness.
Happiness is a choice, and that choice will require change. And if your partner doesn’t agree with those changes, that is their right. And if you can’t live together and be happy, then it is, indeed, time to part ways.
The spouse who finally calls the time of death on a rotting relationship will often take the fall with family and friends. If a cheating spouse files for divorce, that spouse is deserting the family. If the non-cheating spouse files for divorce, they are giving up on their family; unwilling to forgive. Because family and friends don’t want to be reminded that the rules of the game can change at any time, and vows are no guarantee of security. When life is comfortable, we want to believe it's because we're doing it right, and that it will stay that way. We collectively agree that if a marriage ends, it's because someone did something wrong. (And so we pop the popcorn and tell our stories!)
But life isn't personal. It doesn't matter what cards you are dealt. It matters how you play them.
Marriage is more than just love. It's a partnership. It's two people choosing to share goals and make a team effort. But when you realize that you are no longer working for the same goals, the marriage seizes to be effective. Because then, it feels as though you must fight. And so you do. And the one relationship that is supposed to provide solace and support becomes a battleground filled with power struggles. Because if your spouse gets what they want, you loose. If you get what you want, they feel cheated.
You can’t win.
Unless.
You are willing to stop playing the blame game. Because everything on earth has a life cycle; there is a beginning and the end. The glossy brochure that promotes marriage as "till death do you part" doesn't mention that you can feel dead when you are still walking around. A death in spirit is just as significant as the death of the body.
But you can revive your spirit, whether you decide to divorce or not. In order to become happy, you must let go of your anger. You can’t hold onto both. If you want to get what you want, you’ve got to let go of what you have. Without fear.
It doesn’t matter who did what to whom, or who didn’t do enough. You don’t need to prove why you were unhappy. It’s enough to acknowledge that you are. You can’t earn a stamp of approval by listing a litany of someone else’s sins. Worthiness isn’t something you earn. It’s something you own.
When you enter into the solution of divorce, you must do so as a team. Because until the decree is final, what you do to each other, you do to yourself. If you want to “win”, you must want the same for your partner. As long as you are married, you win or loose together.
Divorce is a reckoning, and it hurts. You now have half of what you thought you did. Accept that as quickly as possible. Everything will be split...money, possessions and time with kids. You can’t get a divorce without the divorce part. The more you resist necessary changes, the more you will suffer during the process. Whenever you argue for what “should be”, you are failing to deal with what is.
There is no reality that includes “should be”. Get over it. Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right? It’s your choice, and it’s that simple.
But as always, you can look at the glass as half empty or half full. Focus on the empty space and see it as potential. You now have room for what you want in life. You have the opportunity to make a fresh start. To learn from your own mistakes, not your spouses. Life's a bitch in this way: it gives you the test, and then the lesson. LEARN IT.
The more time you spend ruminating on the hurts and bad habits of your spouse, the less time you spend dreaming your future into existence. Again, you are only punishing yourself for someone else’s failure to give you what you need. This is not productive, and demonstrates that suffering is a choice.
Pain is part of life, and it's certainly part of divorce. But suffering is a mental state of mind that only you can change. You alone are responsible for your own suffering. You must identify the thoughts that bind you and the stress that makes you sick. And then make the necessary changes to let go and be well.
After all, that’s why you’re doing this.
Congratulations! You’re getting a divorce...
If you are even thinking about divorce, get Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce. Purchase an extra copy for your spouse. Because you both deserve to be educated on the laws. If you approach it as a legal procedure, it will become a business transaction that will free you of the emotional chains that bind. Another great resource for both of you is divorcesource.com.
When you tell people you are getting a divorce, there is an awkward moment of silence. It’s the biggest party foul statement you can make. Usually, the next thing that is said is, “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.”
But anyone that’s been through a divorce knows the emotional battle that has been waged prior to deciding to end a marriage. And putting an end to the suffering, for both parties, deserves only one comment.
“Congratulations!”
Divorce is awful. But contrary to the evil images of broken families, broken hearts and shattered dreams, the divorce isn’t the problem at this point. It’s the solution. And it’s a profound moment of relief to hear the counselor say, “children would rather be from a broken home than living in one.”
Divorce doesn’t create a broken family, it simply exposes it. Similar to having your car breakdown on the highway of life, once you decide to divorce, all of your shit is laying on the side of the road for everyone to pilfer, ponder and judge. A couple that decides to end their marriage undoubtedly has years of financial dysfunction, emotional co-dependency and passive (or not so much) aggressive habits. It’s been there, lurking behind eye-rolls and sarcastic commentary, but denial is easier than dealing.
When the only thing worse than going through a divorce is staying in a miserable marriage, you know you’re doing the right thing. Yes, the RIGHT thing. Divorce can save two good people from a toxic tailspin that is keeping them both from living a great life.
It takes a lot of courage, effort and hard work to finally take control of your life. It would be easier to stay and simply blame your own bad behavior on someone else’s refusal to participate. Staying is assumed to be the selfless thing to do.
But selfless people who deny themselves independence, happiness and passion become martyrs that demand sympathy. No one, including and especially the children, benefits from self-denial. Everyone deserves the best. Always. Being unhappy is never a productive endeavor. For anyone. You can't sacrifice your happiness to give someone else theirs. It doesn't work that way.
Anger is similar to pain, in that it’s there for a reason. And the message that it delivers is always the same. You’re doing it wrong. Yes. You. It’s not your spouse. It’s not your financial circumstances. It’s not your job. It's not your kids. It's not your friends, or lack thereof.
It’s your choices. It’s your thinking. It’s your words and actions.
But once you realize that you are the problem, it’s the best day ever. Because then you can finally see that YOU are the solution.
Your anger serves a purpose. And continuing to live an angry life is only to punish yourself for someone else’s perceived crimes. When you take ownership of the anger inside you, and stop believing that someone else is making you feel the way you do, you will finally discover that it is only you that stands in the way of your own happiness.
Happiness is a choice, and that choice will require change. And if your partner doesn’t agree with those changes, that is their right. And if you can’t live together and be happy, then it is, indeed, time to part ways.
The spouse who finally calls the time of death on a rotting relationship will often take the fall with family and friends. If a cheating spouse files for divorce, that spouse is deserting the family. If the non-cheating spouse files for divorce, they are giving up on their family; unwilling to forgive. Because family and friends don’t want to be reminded that the rules of the game can change at any time, and vows are no guarantee of security. When life is comfortable, we want to believe it's because we're doing it right, and that it will stay that way. We collectively agree that if a marriage ends, it's because someone did something wrong. (And so we pop the popcorn and tell our stories!)
But life isn't personal. It doesn't matter what cards you are dealt. It matters how you play them.
Marriage is more than just love. It's a partnership. It's two people choosing to share goals and make a team effort. But when you realize that you are no longer working for the same goals, the marriage seizes to be effective. Because then, it feels as though you must fight. And so you do. And the one relationship that is supposed to provide solace and support becomes a battleground filled with power struggles. Because if your spouse gets what they want, you loose. If you get what you want, they feel cheated.
You can’t win.
Unless.
You are willing to stop playing the blame game. Because everything on earth has a life cycle; there is a beginning and the end. The glossy brochure that promotes marriage as "till death do you part" doesn't mention that you can feel dead when you are still walking around. A death in spirit is just as significant as the death of the body.
But you can revive your spirit, whether you decide to divorce or not. In order to become happy, you must let go of your anger. You can’t hold onto both. If you want to get what you want, you’ve got to let go of what you have. Without fear.
It doesn’t matter who did what to whom, or who didn’t do enough. You don’t need to prove why you were unhappy. It’s enough to acknowledge that you are. You can’t earn a stamp of approval by listing a litany of someone else’s sins. Worthiness isn’t something you earn. It’s something you own.
When you enter into the solution of divorce, you must do so as a team. Because until the decree is final, what you do to each other, you do to yourself. If you want to “win”, you must want the same for your partner. As long as you are married, you win or loose together.
Divorce is a reckoning, and it hurts. You now have half of what you thought you did. Accept that as quickly as possible. Everything will be split...money, possessions and time with kids. You can’t get a divorce without the divorce part. The more you resist necessary changes, the more you will suffer during the process. Whenever you argue for what “should be”, you are failing to deal with what is.
There is no reality that includes “should be”. Get over it. Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right? It’s your choice, and it’s that simple.
But as always, you can look at the glass as half empty or half full. Focus on the empty space and see it as potential. You now have room for what you want in life. You have the opportunity to make a fresh start. To learn from your own mistakes, not your spouses. Life's a bitch in this way: it gives you the test, and then the lesson. LEARN IT.
The more time you spend ruminating on the hurts and bad habits of your spouse, the less time you spend dreaming your future into existence. Again, you are only punishing yourself for someone else’s failure to give you what you need. This is not productive, and demonstrates that suffering is a choice.
Pain is part of life, and it's certainly part of divorce. But suffering is a mental state of mind that only you can change. You alone are responsible for your own suffering. You must identify the thoughts that bind you and the stress that makes you sick. And then make the necessary changes to let go and be well.
After all, that’s why you’re doing this.
Congratulations! You’re getting a divorce...
If you are even thinking about divorce, get Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce. Purchase an extra copy for your spouse. Because you both deserve to be educated on the laws. If you approach it as a legal procedure, it will become a business transaction that will free you of the emotional chains that bind. Another great resource for both of you is divorcesource.com.
Courage and Fear and Open Water Scuba Diving
Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. --Nelson Mandela
Courage and fear are strange bedfellows.
I tend to be an optimistic, trust-first-ask-questions-later sort of person. And while I've been hurt by people a few times, I prefer to take the risk and expect the best. But that doesn't mean I'm fearless. It's just interesting what fears take hold, and which ones we ignore. But regardless of individual optimism, bravery, or benevolence, the Joy Ride on Planet Earth guarantees a 100% mortality rate. I know the end is inevitable, but occasionally I’m motivated to push beyond the limits of my comfort zone and so far, I've only been grateful for the new experiences that continue to teach me who I am.
Most of us think we know who we are. We can rationally discuss our strengths, laugh about our weaknesses, make a list of our likes and dislikes, and predict with some certainty how we might react in certain situations. But what I find fascinating is the dichotomy that exists when we discuss our ability to change. We say things like “people never change”, and we recognize that most personality traits are with us for life. And yet, every year, we make resolutions, read self-help books, go to therapy, and make vision boards full of intentions to be different. But unless we address the underlying beliefs that limit our behaviors, we will be stuck in an unconscious cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy. By accepting our flaws, we perpetuate their hold on us. Consider how easily things roll off our tongue:
“I’m afraid of heights.”
“I’m awful with numbers.”
“I’m a homebody.”
“I am claustrophobic.”
“I have bad knees.”
“I hate to fly.”
“I’m not flexible. Or coordinated.”
“I get motion sickness really easy. “
“I don’t have enough time.”
“I’m too old to do that.”
We repeat these things over and over, and find camaraderie with others who can either sympathize or at least empathize. We don’t see these statements as excuses; they are our reality. For most of my life, my perception of myself included the words “I am not athletic”. As a kid, I didn’t play any sports or have a lot of exposure to extra-curricular activity. My family had four kids and we simply didn’t have the money to fund the lessons, fees, travel expenses and gear. So regardless of natural ability or even disability, “I am not athletic” was my truth for many years.
And the older I got, the more it limited me. Because most activities are not enjoyable the first time you try them. Or even the 3rd time. And when everyone else knows what they are doing, it’s easier to throw your hands up and quit before you start. But at the ripe old age of 23, I decided that my comfort zone was entirely too small. I was embarrassed by the amount of time I spent with my nose in a book or my butt in front of the boob-tube. I had my first child that year, and though I had read countless stories about pregnancy, and watched Friends Ross and Rachel get through labor and delivery, nothing could have prepared me for the intensity of the real experience. I gave birth to a new life. I just didn’t realize yet that it was my own.
I was suddenly in awe of what my body could accomplish, without any thought or direction from my brain. I slept, I ate, I went to work—I just did my thing. And all the while, I was making a baby! And after he was born, whenever he cried, my breasts would fill with milk that quickly turned him from a cone-headed alien into a fat and happy little fella. The intensity of real-life physical, emotional and mental sensations began my process of “waking up”. I realized just how much I could do—not by setting my mind to it, but by just DOING it. Although “I have bad knees”, I went from never having run even a mile to completing a full marathon within a few years. And despite the belief that “I am not flexibile”, I started doing regular yoga and discovered that my body could do any pose that I put into my practice.
By the time my second son was born, I was teaching aerobic classes despite my belief that “I am uncoordinated and can’t distinguish between my left and my right*.”
*that’s actually true. Seriously.
I always believed that I “can’t function without sleep”. But by the time I had four kids, I stopped counting the lost hours and learned to savor rocking a baby in the quiet darkness of the middle of the night. I also had a firm belief that “I will always be a working-mom”. But high daycare expenses offered a blessing in disguise and I joined the “stay-at-home-mom” crowd and never looked back.
And despite “strong cravings” for meat, and membership in the “I can’t live without cheese” club, I took a 40 day vegan challenge over 5 years ago and haven’t even wanted a hamburger or a piece of pizza since. And this is just another example of how the only way we can change anything is to first change our minds. The cliché I’ll believe it when I see it should actually be I’ll see it when I believe it.
Life is too short to live within self-imposed limits. But real life does have real limits, and a healthy respect for Mother Nature is key. Courage and fear are meant to be balanced. Which is why I’ve always considered my angst about ocean water wildlife to be a phobia worth preserving. “I’m afraid of sharks” seems reasonable after reviewing the documentary “Jaws”. But considering I’m more likely to die by a falling coconut* than be eaten by a shark, I decide that hyperventilating as I stand in waist-level, crystal clear water just beyond the surf is indeed a little silly.
So before my beach vacation earlier this year, I decided to sign up for the only class that will either literally kill me or make me stronger.
Open. Water. Scuba. Diving.
I signed up for the certification class, held in February Fort Wayne. I figured the only sharks in the Y pool would painted in fluorescent colors. And I had a lot of studying to do before they’d even let me into the shallow end.
The textbook hooks me on page 1:
It feels strange the first time. Your mask. Your awkward gear, a bit heavy. You ease into the water and your face slips below the surface. Inhale; the air comes with a reassuring hiss, and for the first time, you breathe underwater. In moments, you forget your mask. Your equipment transforms to light and agile, and you’re free like you’ve never experienced before. With that first underwater breath, the door opens to a different world. Not a world apart, but different nonetheless. Go through that door. Your life will never be the same.
Sounds fun and fairly shark-free! I’m in.
The class work was as expected. Boring. It’s hard to get interested in the different styles of facemasks and “procedure’s for emergency ascent” when you’ve only worn swimming goggles and jumped off the high dive a few times. After classroom work, we are issued equipment and taken to the local pool to practice skills for a confined dive. I should mention that I have some lingering beliefs that might limit my enjoyment of this step. But actually, “I hate indoor pools”, “I’m allergic to chlorine”, “I’m very susceptible to ear infections”, “it feels like I’m swimming in urine”, and “there are cooties EVERYWHERE” are true stories. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for SCUBA gear to include a dose of Xanex—just sayin’.
Once at the pool, my inner “hot mess” quickly bubbles to the surface. We start with a 200 meter-swim and then tread for 10 minutes. The water smells like dirty-butt, and quickly clogs my ears and gets in my nose. Then our group is told to sit on the bottom and practice breathing underwater while receiving underwater instruction via hand signals. The only problem I encounter here is that I don’t speak underwater sign language, and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Or scream. And despite feeling like I’m sitting in a pool of urine, I am shivering uncontrollably within 30 minutes of being in the 83 degree Fahrenheit water. My instructor recommends an extra layer of thermal protection, despite the fact that I’ll be diving in Aruba. And as “I hate to be cold”, I consider my comfort to be a significant investment.
The first layer is basically fleece-lined long underwear, and feels comfy cozy. The next layer is a 3mm suction suit, and slips on with the ease of a thick rubber band. By the time my limbs are arranged in their respective compartments, I’m sweating profusely and need a snack and a nap. On top of that goes another 3mm “shorty” to add a layer to my core. And they all zip up the back, which means you need double-jointed shoulder sockets or a personal assistant. On top of my head goes a beanie that is tight enough to double as a condom.
I strap my SCUBA vest to the air tank they provide, and orient the array of hoses as I was instructed in class. "I'm completely illiterate as to technical mechanisms", so the release valves, pressure gauges and air flow regulators intimidate me. It unnerves me to realize that I am ultimately responsible for the equipment that will serve as my life-support under 60+ feet of ocean water. I quietly chant “Lefty-Loosey-Righty-Tighty”, as I turn the knob towards the L-shape that I discretely make with my left index finger and thumb. As an experienced group exercise instructor, distinguishing my right from my left is now as easy as singing the song and making the shapes with my hand.
I manage to pass the class and feel confident-ish for our upcoming trip to Aruba. My partner in crime is a master diver with hundreds of dives worth of experience. That’s a little comforting, but at the same time, a lot of pressure as I don’t want to hold him back with my uncertainties and uncoordinated efforts. On the first dive, where I have to work with an instructor to complete my certification, I mentally review the pre-dive checklist as I test the functions of my equipment--pressing buttons, pulling strings and reading the digital displays. It would help if the acronym for the process they teach was more helpful than All Bruce Willis Films Are Raunchy. (Because I actually liked Die Hard, and still use “Yipee Ki-yay MoFo’s” when the situation dictates. Armageddon was awesome, and the Sixth Sense made it obvious that I don’t have one. I mean really, who saw that one coming???)
So instead of the acronym, I just start at the top of my head and work down. I’ll just double-check it all, thank you very much. Courage and fear can be friends.
With my swimwear on, I’m ready to wiggle into my backpack. I fasten the buckles at my chest, tighten the straps around my waist. I’m told I need more weight in order to sink to the bottom, so an additional 10lbs are added to the pockets on each side of my vest. I pour the anti-fogging “frog spit” into my goggles and work my feet into my flippers, while balancing my body as the boat pitches through 4 and 5 foot waves. I expect that I’ll fall in before I have the chance to jump.
They say the surface is the most dangerous part of the dive. And for sure it is. Maneuvering to the “plank” in 2-foot-long fins and over 40 pounds of equipment, including a high-pressure tank of gas strapped to the top half of my body makes me as close to a “fish out of water” as I’ll ever be. And when I jump/trip into the chilly waves without inflating my vest and begin to sink without so much as a farewell glance, I remember that it’s the panic-stricken struggle that does the most harm. So I relax and soften my body. It is quiet just beneath the surface—peaceful and full of light. I circle my right arm just as we practiced, and discover my air hose just as expected. I place the regulator into my mouth and clear it with a shallow exhale. And then, cautiously, carefully, I inhale.
The sound of my own breath has a calming effect on my mind. I can see the other divers making final adjustments and positioning themselves in pairs. I add just enough air to my vest to float beneath the waves and wait for the dive master’s gesture to begin our decent. I slowly inhale deep into my belly, which helps the panic drop from my chest and signal my “OK”. We all assume an upright position, and raise our left hands over our head, ready for take-off like astronauts on a mission. Bruce Willis would be proud.
And down we go. With courage and fear holding hands.
I realized that I was dropping into a brightly lit snow globe-like world I’ve only read about in Dr. Seuss novels, complete with swarms of fish that shimmered in synchronicity, neon colored animals that darted, dangled and lurked, Truffula tree-like plants that waved in the underwater wind, and suspicious looking characters that watched me as intently as I studied them. It was absolutely breath-taking! I saw a giant green eel that had to be 8 foot long, a shipwreck covered with coral, and saw several 16 leg octopi! (Actually, it was matting season, and we’d stumbled upon happy hour.) Dori and Nemo even made an appearance. Stone fish, clown fish, angel fish and barracudas were close enough to touch.
It was so brilliantly breathtaking that I forgot to notice if I was cold or scared, and with my breath providing the background music to this sensational experience, I can only feel grateful that I got to do this, bad knees, clumsy technical skills and fear of shark. I even saw a few sharks. Evidently, I’m not the shark bait I thought I was. Or maybe they just weren’t hungry.
Best day ever.
*Fun Fact: About 150 people die every year by falling coconuts. On average, only 4 people die every year from shark attack. I will submit for consideration, however, that worldwide, 2,300 people vanish without a trace every day. Considering that sharks eat the evidence, I’m not entirely sure I’m ready to stop believing that “I’m afraid of sharks.” Just sayin….
Courage and fear make comfortable friends.
Courage and fear are strange bedfellows.
I tend to be an optimistic, trust-first-ask-questions-later sort of person. And while I've been hurt by people a few times, I prefer to take the risk and expect the best. But that doesn't mean I'm fearless. It's just interesting what fears take hold, and which ones we ignore. But regardless of individual optimism, bravery, or benevolence, the Joy Ride on Planet Earth guarantees a 100% mortality rate. I know the end is inevitable, but occasionally I’m motivated to push beyond the limits of my comfort zone and so far, I've only been grateful for the new experiences that continue to teach me who I am.
Most of us think we know who we are. We can rationally discuss our strengths, laugh about our weaknesses, make a list of our likes and dislikes, and predict with some certainty how we might react in certain situations. But what I find fascinating is the dichotomy that exists when we discuss our ability to change. We say things like “people never change”, and we recognize that most personality traits are with us for life. And yet, every year, we make resolutions, read self-help books, go to therapy, and make vision boards full of intentions to be different. But unless we address the underlying beliefs that limit our behaviors, we will be stuck in an unconscious cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy. By accepting our flaws, we perpetuate their hold on us. Consider how easily things roll off our tongue:
“I’m afraid of heights.”
“I’m awful with numbers.”
“I’m a homebody.”
“I am claustrophobic.”
“I have bad knees.”
“I hate to fly.”
“I’m not flexible. Or coordinated.”
“I get motion sickness really easy. “
“I don’t have enough time.”
“I’m too old to do that.”
We repeat these things over and over, and find camaraderie with others who can either sympathize or at least empathize. We don’t see these statements as excuses; they are our reality. For most of my life, my perception of myself included the words “I am not athletic”. As a kid, I didn’t play any sports or have a lot of exposure to extra-curricular activity. My family had four kids and we simply didn’t have the money to fund the lessons, fees, travel expenses and gear. So regardless of natural ability or even disability, “I am not athletic” was my truth for many years.
And the older I got, the more it limited me. Because most activities are not enjoyable the first time you try them. Or even the 3rd time. And when everyone else knows what they are doing, it’s easier to throw your hands up and quit before you start. But at the ripe old age of 23, I decided that my comfort zone was entirely too small. I was embarrassed by the amount of time I spent with my nose in a book or my butt in front of the boob-tube. I had my first child that year, and though I had read countless stories about pregnancy, and watched Friends Ross and Rachel get through labor and delivery, nothing could have prepared me for the intensity of the real experience. I gave birth to a new life. I just didn’t realize yet that it was my own.
I was suddenly in awe of what my body could accomplish, without any thought or direction from my brain. I slept, I ate, I went to work—I just did my thing. And all the while, I was making a baby! And after he was born, whenever he cried, my breasts would fill with milk that quickly turned him from a cone-headed alien into a fat and happy little fella. The intensity of real-life physical, emotional and mental sensations began my process of “waking up”. I realized just how much I could do—not by setting my mind to it, but by just DOING it. Although “I have bad knees”, I went from never having run even a mile to completing a full marathon within a few years. And despite the belief that “I am not flexibile”, I started doing regular yoga and discovered that my body could do any pose that I put into my practice.
By the time my second son was born, I was teaching aerobic classes despite my belief that “I am uncoordinated and can’t distinguish between my left and my right*.”
*that’s actually true. Seriously.
I always believed that I “can’t function without sleep”. But by the time I had four kids, I stopped counting the lost hours and learned to savor rocking a baby in the quiet darkness of the middle of the night. I also had a firm belief that “I will always be a working-mom”. But high daycare expenses offered a blessing in disguise and I joined the “stay-at-home-mom” crowd and never looked back.
And despite “strong cravings” for meat, and membership in the “I can’t live without cheese” club, I took a 40 day vegan challenge over 5 years ago and haven’t even wanted a hamburger or a piece of pizza since. And this is just another example of how the only way we can change anything is to first change our minds. The cliché I’ll believe it when I see it should actually be I’ll see it when I believe it.
Life is too short to live within self-imposed limits. But real life does have real limits, and a healthy respect for Mother Nature is key. Courage and fear are meant to be balanced. Which is why I’ve always considered my angst about ocean water wildlife to be a phobia worth preserving. “I’m afraid of sharks” seems reasonable after reviewing the documentary “Jaws”. But considering I’m more likely to die by a falling coconut* than be eaten by a shark, I decide that hyperventilating as I stand in waist-level, crystal clear water just beyond the surf is indeed a little silly.
So before my beach vacation earlier this year, I decided to sign up for the only class that will either literally kill me or make me stronger.
Open. Water. Scuba. Diving.
I signed up for the certification class, held in February Fort Wayne. I figured the only sharks in the Y pool would painted in fluorescent colors. And I had a lot of studying to do before they’d even let me into the shallow end.
The textbook hooks me on page 1:
It feels strange the first time. Your mask. Your awkward gear, a bit heavy. You ease into the water and your face slips below the surface. Inhale; the air comes with a reassuring hiss, and for the first time, you breathe underwater. In moments, you forget your mask. Your equipment transforms to light and agile, and you’re free like you’ve never experienced before. With that first underwater breath, the door opens to a different world. Not a world apart, but different nonetheless. Go through that door. Your life will never be the same.
Sounds fun and fairly shark-free! I’m in.
The class work was as expected. Boring. It’s hard to get interested in the different styles of facemasks and “procedure’s for emergency ascent” when you’ve only worn swimming goggles and jumped off the high dive a few times. After classroom work, we are issued equipment and taken to the local pool to practice skills for a confined dive. I should mention that I have some lingering beliefs that might limit my enjoyment of this step. But actually, “I hate indoor pools”, “I’m allergic to chlorine”, “I’m very susceptible to ear infections”, “it feels like I’m swimming in urine”, and “there are cooties EVERYWHERE” are true stories. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for SCUBA gear to include a dose of Xanex—just sayin’.
Once at the pool, my inner “hot mess” quickly bubbles to the surface. We start with a 200 meter-swim and then tread for 10 minutes. The water smells like dirty-butt, and quickly clogs my ears and gets in my nose. Then our group is told to sit on the bottom and practice breathing underwater while receiving underwater instruction via hand signals. The only problem I encounter here is that I don’t speak underwater sign language, and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Or scream. And despite feeling like I’m sitting in a pool of urine, I am shivering uncontrollably within 30 minutes of being in the 83 degree Fahrenheit water. My instructor recommends an extra layer of thermal protection, despite the fact that I’ll be diving in Aruba. And as “I hate to be cold”, I consider my comfort to be a significant investment.
The first layer is basically fleece-lined long underwear, and feels comfy cozy. The next layer is a 3mm suction suit, and slips on with the ease of a thick rubber band. By the time my limbs are arranged in their respective compartments, I’m sweating profusely and need a snack and a nap. On top of that goes another 3mm “shorty” to add a layer to my core. And they all zip up the back, which means you need double-jointed shoulder sockets or a personal assistant. On top of my head goes a beanie that is tight enough to double as a condom.
I strap my SCUBA vest to the air tank they provide, and orient the array of hoses as I was instructed in class. "I'm completely illiterate as to technical mechanisms", so the release valves, pressure gauges and air flow regulators intimidate me. It unnerves me to realize that I am ultimately responsible for the equipment that will serve as my life-support under 60+ feet of ocean water. I quietly chant “Lefty-Loosey-Righty-Tighty”, as I turn the knob towards the L-shape that I discretely make with my left index finger and thumb. As an experienced group exercise instructor, distinguishing my right from my left is now as easy as singing the song and making the shapes with my hand.
I manage to pass the class and feel confident-ish for our upcoming trip to Aruba. My partner in crime is a master diver with hundreds of dives worth of experience. That’s a little comforting, but at the same time, a lot of pressure as I don’t want to hold him back with my uncertainties and uncoordinated efforts. On the first dive, where I have to work with an instructor to complete my certification, I mentally review the pre-dive checklist as I test the functions of my equipment--pressing buttons, pulling strings and reading the digital displays. It would help if the acronym for the process they teach was more helpful than All Bruce Willis Films Are Raunchy. (Because I actually liked Die Hard, and still use “Yipee Ki-yay MoFo’s” when the situation dictates. Armageddon was awesome, and the Sixth Sense made it obvious that I don’t have one. I mean really, who saw that one coming???)
So instead of the acronym, I just start at the top of my head and work down. I’ll just double-check it all, thank you very much. Courage and fear can be friends.
With my swimwear on, I’m ready to wiggle into my backpack. I fasten the buckles at my chest, tighten the straps around my waist. I’m told I need more weight in order to sink to the bottom, so an additional 10lbs are added to the pockets on each side of my vest. I pour the anti-fogging “frog spit” into my goggles and work my feet into my flippers, while balancing my body as the boat pitches through 4 and 5 foot waves. I expect that I’ll fall in before I have the chance to jump.
They say the surface is the most dangerous part of the dive. And for sure it is. Maneuvering to the “plank” in 2-foot-long fins and over 40 pounds of equipment, including a high-pressure tank of gas strapped to the top half of my body makes me as close to a “fish out of water” as I’ll ever be. And when I jump/trip into the chilly waves without inflating my vest and begin to sink without so much as a farewell glance, I remember that it’s the panic-stricken struggle that does the most harm. So I relax and soften my body. It is quiet just beneath the surface—peaceful and full of light. I circle my right arm just as we practiced, and discover my air hose just as expected. I place the regulator into my mouth and clear it with a shallow exhale. And then, cautiously, carefully, I inhale.
The sound of my own breath has a calming effect on my mind. I can see the other divers making final adjustments and positioning themselves in pairs. I add just enough air to my vest to float beneath the waves and wait for the dive master’s gesture to begin our decent. I slowly inhale deep into my belly, which helps the panic drop from my chest and signal my “OK”. We all assume an upright position, and raise our left hands over our head, ready for take-off like astronauts on a mission. Bruce Willis would be proud.
And down we go. With courage and fear holding hands.
I realized that I was dropping into a brightly lit snow globe-like world I’ve only read about in Dr. Seuss novels, complete with swarms of fish that shimmered in synchronicity, neon colored animals that darted, dangled and lurked, Truffula tree-like plants that waved in the underwater wind, and suspicious looking characters that watched me as intently as I studied them. It was absolutely breath-taking! I saw a giant green eel that had to be 8 foot long, a shipwreck covered with coral, and saw several 16 leg octopi! (Actually, it was matting season, and we’d stumbled upon happy hour.) Dori and Nemo even made an appearance. Stone fish, clown fish, angel fish and barracudas were close enough to touch.
It was so brilliantly breathtaking that I forgot to notice if I was cold or scared, and with my breath providing the background music to this sensational experience, I can only feel grateful that I got to do this, bad knees, clumsy technical skills and fear of shark. I even saw a few sharks. Evidently, I’m not the shark bait I thought I was. Or maybe they just weren’t hungry.
Best day ever.
*Fun Fact: About 150 people die every year by falling coconuts. On average, only 4 people die every year from shark attack. I will submit for consideration, however, that worldwide, 2,300 people vanish without a trace every day. Considering that sharks eat the evidence, I’m not entirely sure I’m ready to stop believing that “I’m afraid of sharks.” Just sayin….
Courage and fear make comfortable friends.
8 Tips for Aging Well
According to the glossy Retirement Community brochures and the sexy Cialis commercials, our golden years promise to include long walks on the beach, golf and games with friends, and loving physical contact when the “time is right.” So if you can handle a few laugh lines, age spots and gray hair, and find a trendy pair of reading glasses that enhance your intellectual demeanor, life is worth the wait as the final chapters are best.
But more and more of us are suffering as we age. Dementia, diabetes, heart disease and arthritis make us sore, stiff and slow. Our time is spent with specialists and our money goes to medications. Instead of waking up well, we wake up feeling disabled, depleted and disappointed.
Life has a 100% mortality rate, and the conditions of old age are increasingly accepted as part of the process. If that depresses you for longer than two weeks, see your doctor. But according to The Disease Delusion by Dr. Jeffrey Bland, there are 2 powerful misconceptions limiting our vitality in the golden years.
First, our approach to health care is outdated. When early 20th century medical pioneers developed antibiotics and immunizations, they were able to eradicate infectious diseases as the leading cause of death in a single generation. This amazing accomplishment saved countless lives, maybe even your own. And now we all know that germs are bad, and we stay home when we’re sick. We get the flu shot in hopes to avoid the latest strain.
But not even 100 years after we invented penicillin, 80 percent of ailments are considered chronic disease, and unlike strep throat, do not have a single causative factor. The infection model of pill-for-the-ill approach doesn’t offer a cure. Anti-inflammatories may reduce the swelling and pain in our joints, but arthritis is not the result of an acetaminophen-deficiency. And as most drugs are designed to promote, alter or block a specific physiological process, serious side effects can occur when those same cellular mechanisms cause imbalance in our healthy organs.
The Reductionist approach to our body systems fails to acknowledge that each organ intimately affects the others. For example, it’s considered normal after 50 to consult an urologist for an awkward issue of erectile dysfunction. But ultimately, a lack of blood flow to a peripheral organ is an early symptom of vascular disease. Vascular disease is caused by atherosclerosis, a buildup of cholesterol in the arteries. You may look and feel sexy enough to warrant a daily dose of Viagra, but you might want to consider visiting your cardiologist first.
The other “Disease Delusion” is that our illnesses are mostly an expression of our genetic makeup. But the relentless risk forms that require family histories aren’t nearly as relevant as we’ve thought.
Consider the BRCA gene. In 2013, women who carry this gene have an 85% increased risk of having breast cancer. And women everywhere are opting for double, radical mastectomies to avoid what is almost inevitable. But in 1940, the BRCA mutation only indicated a 24 percent risk increase. How can this be? It’s the same gene! Ah, but the gene doesn’t cause the cancer. It must be “turned on” by the environment.
And our lifestyles have changed dramatically. Our foods are grown with pesticides, thoroughly processed and wrapped in plastic, shelf-life guaranteed. In food factories, Mother Nature’s living flavors are exchanged for artificial ingredients and eye-catching colors, and promoted on a grocery isle end-cap with a Buy-One-Get-One-Free coupon.
In addition, we are stressed and exhausted and over-stimulated by 24-hour news channels that advertise the next new drug for the same old pain. We don’t move enough, we don’t get outside, and we feel…
Old.
Who wants to live long if you aren’t aging well and waking up awesome every day?
But there is hope. Good health isn’t something you pray for, it’s something you choose, and I don’t mean via Medicare plans, or meals of Lean Cuisine Light. Quite the contrary, it is freedom from both. Aging well is an option, should you choose to do what it takes.
8 Tips for Waking Up Awesome and Aging Well:
1. Stop eating processed foods. If it comes from a package, it was made in a factory and likely contains ingredients that are toxic. Headaches, heart aches and hormonal imbalances are caused by chemicals in our food. When you crave potato chips, cookies or a zesty marinade, make them from scratch. Spend time preparing your food, or lose time feeling ill.
2. Eat whole foods filled with color. Plants are filled with antioxidants, phytochemicals and living enzymes. These are the micronutrients that keep digestion, immunity and brain function running on all cylinders. Fruits, vegetables nuts and seeds are also filled with fiber, essential to keep the digestive track moving and clean, which in turn strengthens the immune system.
3. Drink 5-8 glasses of water a day. This maximizes cellular activities, promotes detox and keeps your skin glowing.
4. Stop drinking soda pop. It is now being recognized as the biggest contributor to obesity and diabetes (newly coined as diabesity). Regular colas contain high fructose corn syrup, which spikes the blood sugar and leads to insulin immunity. Since fructose is only processed in the liver, it also leads to non-alcoholic fatty liver, and severely inhibits the function of that organ. Diet colas have saccharine or aspartame, and regardless of the source, these chemicals promote carbohydrate cravings, increase hunger and can lead to neurological damage.
5. Eat organic as much as possible, especially meat and dairy. Factory farmed animals are given growth hormones to maximize their size and minimize the lifespan it takes to mature so they can be harvested sooner. Those are not hormones you want in your body! Factory farms consume 70% of our nation’s supply of antibiotics in attempt to prevent the diseases that naturally arise in filthy living conditions. (No one can clean a chicken coup with 60,000 chickens in it!) These antibiotics affect your gut flora and digestive health, and not to mention lead to antibiotic resistance.
6. Eat less meat and dairy, if only to make room for more vegetables because you need them. Make the main course plant-based, and include only small portions of lean meat. Minimize cheese. Experiment with coconut, almond and soy milk; try hummus, avocado and cashews for creams. Your taste buds will adapt to whatever they think is “normal.” If you want a piece of cheese, eat it with joy and savor the flavor. Otherwise, skip it.
7. If you have high cholesterol, go vegan. Our bodies are able to synthesize all the cholesterol we need, so any excess comes from food. Plants don’t have any. Work with your doctor as the results come fast (within weeks, you can be off medication)!
8. Find a movement that you enjoy, and do it outside as often as possible. Don't sit for long periods of time and change position every 30 minutes. Every day, take several 5 minute breaks to breathe 10 deep breaths. Make them slow and controlled; match the inhale to the exhale. Direct your mind to focus on the sound, the sensations and finding tension to release. If you are forgetful, plug a reminder into your phone. In as little as 5 minutes, you will reduce cortisol and adrenaline levels, and induce a sense of peace, empowerment and well-being.
Aging well is awesome. Do it.
But more and more of us are suffering as we age. Dementia, diabetes, heart disease and arthritis make us sore, stiff and slow. Our time is spent with specialists and our money goes to medications. Instead of waking up well, we wake up feeling disabled, depleted and disappointed.
Life has a 100% mortality rate, and the conditions of old age are increasingly accepted as part of the process. If that depresses you for longer than two weeks, see your doctor. But according to The Disease Delusion by Dr. Jeffrey Bland, there are 2 powerful misconceptions limiting our vitality in the golden years.
First, our approach to health care is outdated. When early 20th century medical pioneers developed antibiotics and immunizations, they were able to eradicate infectious diseases as the leading cause of death in a single generation. This amazing accomplishment saved countless lives, maybe even your own. And now we all know that germs are bad, and we stay home when we’re sick. We get the flu shot in hopes to avoid the latest strain.
But not even 100 years after we invented penicillin, 80 percent of ailments are considered chronic disease, and unlike strep throat, do not have a single causative factor. The infection model of pill-for-the-ill approach doesn’t offer a cure. Anti-inflammatories may reduce the swelling and pain in our joints, but arthritis is not the result of an acetaminophen-deficiency. And as most drugs are designed to promote, alter or block a specific physiological process, serious side effects can occur when those same cellular mechanisms cause imbalance in our healthy organs.
The Reductionist approach to our body systems fails to acknowledge that each organ intimately affects the others. For example, it’s considered normal after 50 to consult an urologist for an awkward issue of erectile dysfunction. But ultimately, a lack of blood flow to a peripheral organ is an early symptom of vascular disease. Vascular disease is caused by atherosclerosis, a buildup of cholesterol in the arteries. You may look and feel sexy enough to warrant a daily dose of Viagra, but you might want to consider visiting your cardiologist first.
The other “Disease Delusion” is that our illnesses are mostly an expression of our genetic makeup. But the relentless risk forms that require family histories aren’t nearly as relevant as we’ve thought.
Consider the BRCA gene. In 2013, women who carry this gene have an 85% increased risk of having breast cancer. And women everywhere are opting for double, radical mastectomies to avoid what is almost inevitable. But in 1940, the BRCA mutation only indicated a 24 percent risk increase. How can this be? It’s the same gene! Ah, but the gene doesn’t cause the cancer. It must be “turned on” by the environment.
And our lifestyles have changed dramatically. Our foods are grown with pesticides, thoroughly processed and wrapped in plastic, shelf-life guaranteed. In food factories, Mother Nature’s living flavors are exchanged for artificial ingredients and eye-catching colors, and promoted on a grocery isle end-cap with a Buy-One-Get-One-Free coupon.
In addition, we are stressed and exhausted and over-stimulated by 24-hour news channels that advertise the next new drug for the same old pain. We don’t move enough, we don’t get outside, and we feel…
Old.
Who wants to live long if you aren’t aging well and waking up awesome every day?
But there is hope. Good health isn’t something you pray for, it’s something you choose, and I don’t mean via Medicare plans, or meals of Lean Cuisine Light. Quite the contrary, it is freedom from both. Aging well is an option, should you choose to do what it takes.
8 Tips for Waking Up Awesome and Aging Well:
1. Stop eating processed foods. If it comes from a package, it was made in a factory and likely contains ingredients that are toxic. Headaches, heart aches and hormonal imbalances are caused by chemicals in our food. When you crave potato chips, cookies or a zesty marinade, make them from scratch. Spend time preparing your food, or lose time feeling ill.
2. Eat whole foods filled with color. Plants are filled with antioxidants, phytochemicals and living enzymes. These are the micronutrients that keep digestion, immunity and brain function running on all cylinders. Fruits, vegetables nuts and seeds are also filled with fiber, essential to keep the digestive track moving and clean, which in turn strengthens the immune system.
3. Drink 5-8 glasses of water a day. This maximizes cellular activities, promotes detox and keeps your skin glowing.
4. Stop drinking soda pop. It is now being recognized as the biggest contributor to obesity and diabetes (newly coined as diabesity). Regular colas contain high fructose corn syrup, which spikes the blood sugar and leads to insulin immunity. Since fructose is only processed in the liver, it also leads to non-alcoholic fatty liver, and severely inhibits the function of that organ. Diet colas have saccharine or aspartame, and regardless of the source, these chemicals promote carbohydrate cravings, increase hunger and can lead to neurological damage.
5. Eat organic as much as possible, especially meat and dairy. Factory farmed animals are given growth hormones to maximize their size and minimize the lifespan it takes to mature so they can be harvested sooner. Those are not hormones you want in your body! Factory farms consume 70% of our nation’s supply of antibiotics in attempt to prevent the diseases that naturally arise in filthy living conditions. (No one can clean a chicken coup with 60,000 chickens in it!) These antibiotics affect your gut flora and digestive health, and not to mention lead to antibiotic resistance.
6. Eat less meat and dairy, if only to make room for more vegetables because you need them. Make the main course plant-based, and include only small portions of lean meat. Minimize cheese. Experiment with coconut, almond and soy milk; try hummus, avocado and cashews for creams. Your taste buds will adapt to whatever they think is “normal.” If you want a piece of cheese, eat it with joy and savor the flavor. Otherwise, skip it.
7. If you have high cholesterol, go vegan. Our bodies are able to synthesize all the cholesterol we need, so any excess comes from food. Plants don’t have any. Work with your doctor as the results come fast (within weeks, you can be off medication)!
8. Find a movement that you enjoy, and do it outside as often as possible. Don't sit for long periods of time and change position every 30 minutes. Every day, take several 5 minute breaks to breathe 10 deep breaths. Make them slow and controlled; match the inhale to the exhale. Direct your mind to focus on the sound, the sensations and finding tension to release. If you are forgetful, plug a reminder into your phone. In as little as 5 minutes, you will reduce cortisol and adrenaline levels, and induce a sense of peace, empowerment and well-being.
Aging well is awesome. Do it.
Influence and Action
Kids spend a lot of time thinking about what they want to be when they "grow up." Even choosing classes in middle school requires philosophical deliberations. Choir or band? Spanish or Latin? Robotics or Cross Country? Such decisions might affect the rest of a kid's life! Or they might not. How can you know what will be important and what won't matter in the long run?
You can't.
The blessing disguised as "growing up" is hindsight. It's counterintuitive to expect that small experiences can have a huge impact, but they do. Our life's course of action can emerge from seemingly inconsequential moments--a silent observation, a conversation held in passing, the ache of need, an idea, an image, or just a glimpse of potential. Retracing our actions to the initial spark of influence gives us wisdom and perspective. The "why" in what we do fuels the "what."
Dr. Rudy Kachmann is my father-in-law. His professional accomplishments are surpassed only by his personal. His children and grandchildren are talented and fun. I am especially fond of his eldest son, Jeffrey (we married in August, 2015).
At last count, Rudy has written 27 books. He's published at least 8 since I started Life Off the Label. (Yes, that's intimidating.) His books explore a variety of mainstream assumptions in nutrition and medicine, and challenge the conventional approaches to managing disease. The content of one of his recent publications caught me off guard--to the extent that it was difficult to read (but only because it felt weird to read The Sitting Disease while . . .sitting). The book motivated me to set up a workstation in my office that forces me to stand, and to take movement breaks every hour. (I've now heard that treadmill desks are available. That sounds a wee-bit problematic given my accident-prone nature, but at least the sitting disease won't take me down.)
I met Dr. Kachmann when he invited me to speak about the vegan diet at one of his lectures. (I did not yet know his son, whom I met through my friend Heidi, his sister.) During our follow up discussion, I summoned the courage to ask how he manages to publish so many books, given the time constraints of his career. At the time, I kept my aspirations to write a book to myself. I assumed that getting a health and wellness book published would be mostly a matter of far-fetched luck as I'm neither a neurosurgeon or a celebrity. His answer to the question challenged my dismissive perceptions.
"I self-publish," he revealed. "Many successful authors do. Youcan self-publish. And I think you should, Colleen." He proceeded to describe the process, but the little details were lost in the glare of a brilliant revelation that shined upon a previously hidden door. I can self-publish.
I can.
I left our meeting at Starbucks that day knowing one thing for sure: I would write the book that burned in my soul and self-publish. In hindsight, that was the entirety of what I knew "for sure." The details overshadowed by the dazzle weren't as "little" as expected. But they never are. Nearly four years later, I am working hard to achieve a semblance of professional perfection without the support (experience, connections or financial backing) of a corporate publisher. Every day, there is a new challenge to overcome. I think my next book will be Life Off the Label: Publishing Without a Clue.
Self-publishing has taught me that we can do anything we want in life. We just have to do it. As it turns out, God works through us, not for us. That's why it doesn't matter what we do so much as why we do it. Small moments of influence are the divine inspirations that direct our life. Provided we act on them.
You can't.
The blessing disguised as "growing up" is hindsight. It's counterintuitive to expect that small experiences can have a huge impact, but they do. Our life's course of action can emerge from seemingly inconsequential moments--a silent observation, a conversation held in passing, the ache of need, an idea, an image, or just a glimpse of potential. Retracing our actions to the initial spark of influence gives us wisdom and perspective. The "why" in what we do fuels the "what."
Dr. Rudy Kachmann is my father-in-law. His professional accomplishments are surpassed only by his personal. His children and grandchildren are talented and fun. I am especially fond of his eldest son, Jeffrey (we married in August, 2015).
At last count, Rudy has written 27 books. He's published at least 8 since I started Life Off the Label. (Yes, that's intimidating.) His books explore a variety of mainstream assumptions in nutrition and medicine, and challenge the conventional approaches to managing disease. The content of one of his recent publications caught me off guard--to the extent that it was difficult to read (but only because it felt weird to read The Sitting Disease while . . .sitting). The book motivated me to set up a workstation in my office that forces me to stand, and to take movement breaks every hour. (I've now heard that treadmill desks are available. That sounds a wee-bit problematic given my accident-prone nature, but at least the sitting disease won't take me down.)
I met Dr. Kachmann when he invited me to speak about the vegan diet at one of his lectures. (I did not yet know his son, whom I met through my friend Heidi, his sister.) During our follow up discussion, I summoned the courage to ask how he manages to publish so many books, given the time constraints of his career. At the time, I kept my aspirations to write a book to myself. I assumed that getting a health and wellness book published would be mostly a matter of far-fetched luck as I'm neither a neurosurgeon or a celebrity. His answer to the question challenged my dismissive perceptions.
"I self-publish," he revealed. "Many successful authors do. Youcan self-publish. And I think you should, Colleen." He proceeded to describe the process, but the little details were lost in the glare of a brilliant revelation that shined upon a previously hidden door. I can self-publish.
I can.
I left our meeting at Starbucks that day knowing one thing for sure: I would write the book that burned in my soul and self-publish. In hindsight, that was the entirety of what I knew "for sure." The details overshadowed by the dazzle weren't as "little" as expected. But they never are. Nearly four years later, I am working hard to achieve a semblance of professional perfection without the support (experience, connections or financial backing) of a corporate publisher. Every day, there is a new challenge to overcome. I think my next book will be Life Off the Label: Publishing Without a Clue.
Self-publishing has taught me that we can do anything we want in life. We just have to do it. As it turns out, God works through us, not for us. That's why it doesn't matter what we do so much as why we do it. Small moments of influence are the divine inspirations that direct our life. Provided we act on them.
The Rule of Exceptions
Life is full of rules. Most rules are meant to minimize chaos by providing a semblance of predictability. But nothing expected is exciting. Picasso advised, "Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist." Unfortunately, the line between art and anarchy is easiest to see in hindsight.
This past weekend, I played hostess for a precious life event: my family's reunion. Aunts, uncles and cousins descended upon Lake Wawasee via planes, cars and boats. There were 18 adults and 15 children (by legal definition). But being a "grown-up" is a state of mind that's hard to maintain while wearing a gorilla mask and a feather boa. We reminisced the people and stories of our familial bond, reverent of the lighted torch such gatherings bestow upon the next generation.
Individual identities and collective cultures arise from the rules that create tradition. Who we are, how we think and what we do are rooted in who they are, how they think and what they do. Families are powerful creators of life. This is why it is so important to examine the lighted torches we are passing to the next generation for unconscious beliefs and unquestioned habits that will undermine future health and happiness.
The most important details of this weekend were centered around food. As my mom, my sister and I did not bear the cost, constraints and logistics of travel, the only thing we expected anyone to bring was their appetite. We planned 8 major meals for 35 people. For several days prior, we each shopped, chopped and cooked the feasts that would bring us all together. And we knocked it out of the park.
But in hindsight, one detail that must be examined in this modern notion of "kid food." While the mature palates of our group appreciated the fermented vegetables, homemade breads and succulent summer produce, the children demanded cheese pizza, pop and junk food. And for the most part, they got it. Because it's a party, and parties rank high on the list of Acceptable Exceptions to the "healthy food" rule.
It is the exception that reveals the rule, however. Despite unlimited platters of delicious homemade food, including snacks and desserts, discrete outings were made to stock reserves of processed food. As there wasn't an extra inch of counter space, the bags and boxes were routed to private rooms. The healthy food was a welcomed exception, but Kid Food still ruled.
Is it enough to expose our children to good food, while still allowing the junk because it's normal and easy? It's a start, but it's going to take far more than that to counter the 40,000 advertisements aimed directly at our kids. It seems kids can eat about anything and "get away with it," but chronic diseases take years to manifest. Sooner or later, we all discover that the longer you eat "like a kid," the quicker you get sick and old. Hence the sincere appreciation for homemade food (especially when someone else makes it for you).
The powerful influence of family is one we must harness for the sake of our kids. We deliberately show them how to love, how to be thankful and how to forgive. We demonstrate respect and integrity. We train them to work and to contribute. We nurture their talents and encourage them to follow their dreams. And if we want them to be strong and healthy enough to do the same for their children, we must know which food rules we are following before we can decide which food rules to break.
This past weekend, I played hostess for a precious life event: my family's reunion. Aunts, uncles and cousins descended upon Lake Wawasee via planes, cars and boats. There were 18 adults and 15 children (by legal definition). But being a "grown-up" is a state of mind that's hard to maintain while wearing a gorilla mask and a feather boa. We reminisced the people and stories of our familial bond, reverent of the lighted torch such gatherings bestow upon the next generation.
Individual identities and collective cultures arise from the rules that create tradition. Who we are, how we think and what we do are rooted in who they are, how they think and what they do. Families are powerful creators of life. This is why it is so important to examine the lighted torches we are passing to the next generation for unconscious beliefs and unquestioned habits that will undermine future health and happiness.
The most important details of this weekend were centered around food. As my mom, my sister and I did not bear the cost, constraints and logistics of travel, the only thing we expected anyone to bring was their appetite. We planned 8 major meals for 35 people. For several days prior, we each shopped, chopped and cooked the feasts that would bring us all together. And we knocked it out of the park.
But in hindsight, one detail that must be examined in this modern notion of "kid food." While the mature palates of our group appreciated the fermented vegetables, homemade breads and succulent summer produce, the children demanded cheese pizza, pop and junk food. And for the most part, they got it. Because it's a party, and parties rank high on the list of Acceptable Exceptions to the "healthy food" rule.
It is the exception that reveals the rule, however. Despite unlimited platters of delicious homemade food, including snacks and desserts, discrete outings were made to stock reserves of processed food. As there wasn't an extra inch of counter space, the bags and boxes were routed to private rooms. The healthy food was a welcomed exception, but Kid Food still ruled.
Is it enough to expose our children to good food, while still allowing the junk because it's normal and easy? It's a start, but it's going to take far more than that to counter the 40,000 advertisements aimed directly at our kids. It seems kids can eat about anything and "get away with it," but chronic diseases take years to manifest. Sooner or later, we all discover that the longer you eat "like a kid," the quicker you get sick and old. Hence the sincere appreciation for homemade food (especially when someone else makes it for you).
The powerful influence of family is one we must harness for the sake of our kids. We deliberately show them how to love, how to be thankful and how to forgive. We demonstrate respect and integrity. We train them to work and to contribute. We nurture their talents and encourage them to follow their dreams. And if we want them to be strong and healthy enough to do the same for their children, we must know which food rules we are following before we can decide which food rules to break.
Passion + Talent = Potential
Most of us are willing to take a chance when we see the potential for success. But we've all been surprised by an unlikely failure. Announcing our intentions before we know how things will turn out takes courage.
The statement, "I'm writing a book" is a bit of a commitment. I've been tossing that around for three years. It's taken so long to finish that most people have stopped asking about it. It's not polite to remind someone of their failed endeavors in casual conversations.
Two years ago, the first draft of Life Off the Label was saved as "Waking Up Aware" in Microsoft Word. I hit "save" and "print." I patted myself on the back, made a few extra copies and entrusted it (and my fragile ego) to friends.
It's a good thing I did not know how that would turn out.
When someone says they are writing a book, there's an underlying assumption they know how to write. A book. I had been writing a blog for three years to a respectable number of followers. That's a far cry from publishing a successful book. The feedback from my hand-picked readers was brutal. Thank God. That manuscript was a hot mess. But I listened to each person's thoughtful perspective and took notes like it was my job. Because it was. Each had taken the time to not only read, but to advise. I was honored that they took me seriously. And if the only merit of the book was it's potential, I'd take the award and run.
I hired a professional editor and started over. Two years later, I'm humbled for three reasons: to see how far I've come, to realize how far there is to go to ensure this message makes a difference in the world, and to know I can no longer go it alone.
The proverbial flowers we're supposed to stop and smell in life are actually the problems we pick to solve. We are each drawn to certain causes that stimulate our passion. We each have talents that give us an edge. When you marry the two (passion and talent) you have potential. And potential is only what you are willing to make of it before you know how things will turn out.
The statement, "I'm writing a book" is a bit of a commitment. I've been tossing that around for three years. It's taken so long to finish that most people have stopped asking about it. It's not polite to remind someone of their failed endeavors in casual conversations.
Two years ago, the first draft of Life Off the Label was saved as "Waking Up Aware" in Microsoft Word. I hit "save" and "print." I patted myself on the back, made a few extra copies and entrusted it (and my fragile ego) to friends.
It's a good thing I did not know how that would turn out.
When someone says they are writing a book, there's an underlying assumption they know how to write. A book. I had been writing a blog for three years to a respectable number of followers. That's a far cry from publishing a successful book. The feedback from my hand-picked readers was brutal. Thank God. That manuscript was a hot mess. But I listened to each person's thoughtful perspective and took notes like it was my job. Because it was. Each had taken the time to not only read, but to advise. I was honored that they took me seriously. And if the only merit of the book was it's potential, I'd take the award and run.
I hired a professional editor and started over. Two years later, I'm humbled for three reasons: to see how far I've come, to realize how far there is to go to ensure this message makes a difference in the world, and to know I can no longer go it alone.
The proverbial flowers we're supposed to stop and smell in life are actually the problems we pick to solve. We are each drawn to certain causes that stimulate our passion. We each have talents that give us an edge. When you marry the two (passion and talent) you have potential. And potential is only what you are willing to make of it before you know how things will turn out.
The Sitting Disease
When asked if I am an active person, my answer is always, “Very. Totally. Always. To a fault.” I run, walk, bike, hike, practice yoga and go the gym when the weather isn’t pleasant. I take the stairs and monitor my daily step count. I don’t watch television. PS: I’m vegan, eat my weight in vegetables and I don’t smoke.
#healthy #doingitright #noworries
But when I read The Sitting Disease by Dr. Rudy Kachmann (my father-in-law), I realized that I had missed one major detail. As a writer, I sit for long periods of time. Sometimes so long that when my husband comes home from work, I’m still in my pajamas, sitting in the same position I was in when he left twelve hours earlier. He once told me that he’s never seen anyone with such severe cases of ADD and OCD. (Is that a bipolar joke?)
“You need to move,” he’d say. “Sitting that long is not healthy.”
Common sense logic assured me that wasn't true. “Sitting is no different than standing in one place for hours on end, like you do in the operating room. I have to focus when I write. It’s part of the job.”
It is fitting that, being wrong for the first (and only) time in the history of our relationship (past and future), the magnitude of error was higher than expected. I was not only wrong, I was dead wrong. Sitting is not the same as standing. And the longer you sit, the worse it gets.
According to Dr. James Levine of the Mayo Clinic, “Excessive sitting is a lethal activity.” Now termed the “sitting disease,” the overwhelming consensus in the scientific community is that sitting is like smoking and sugar consumption: a slow but sure way to kill yourself.
Researchers at the National Cancer Institute followed 240,000 healthy patients (no history of diabetes, heart disease or cancer). People who watched TV for 7 or more hours a day were at a much higher risk of premature death than those who watched less. And exercising an hour a day did not cancel the risks. In fact, every hour of TV viewed after age 25 reduces life expectancy by 22 minutes.[i]
Seriously? One episode of Sixty Minutes costs 22 minutes of life? At least watching TV lends itself to raiding the refrigerator every half hour, so you are more likely to move. When I’m working on my computer, my hands and brain are so busy that I only get up to avoid peeing my pants.
It took three years to write Life Off the Label: A Handbook for Creating Your Own Brand of Health and Happiness. Apparently, in the process, I adopted the health habits of a couch potato. I can see the headline now: Vegan and Healthy Living Expert Dies of The Sitting Disease.
But now I know something I didn’t know before. When you know better, you do better.
Prolonged sitting causes premature aging, weight gain, physical pain, reduced mental acuity, depression, heart disease and cancer. Inactivity significantly reduces cellular functions: DNA repair mechanisms are disrupted, insulin response drops, oxidative stress rises, and metabolism slows to a stop. The more we sit, the lower our quality of life and the earlier our death.
But anyone who is on their feet all day knows that sore feet, back pain and even circulation problems aren’t awesome alternatives. The cure for the sitting disease appears to be movement. Frequent switching from one posture to another reduces the problems caused by both. Staying in one position for no more than 30 minutes is ideal.
My workstation is now a standing desk. I want a motorized one with adjustable arms for my monitor and keyboard. For now, I’m using a flowerpot turned upside down. When the sand runs out in my old-fashioned half-hour glass, I stretch and do stair laps, wall pushups and squats. Curing the sitting disease is the equivalent of quitting smoking and it feels great!
I am surprised to report that it feels just as natural to read, type and use the mouse while standing as it does when sitting. (My OCD survives my ADD.) Standing up actually feels better. (I feel like a boss.) My breathing is deeper and I’m more inclined to move around since I’m already on my feet. The pain and tightness that come with long hours stuck in a chair have all but disappeared. After my movement breaks, I am sharper and more focused. In general, I have more energy.
If work requires you to be in one place, get creative. Life is too short to feel anything but awesome. Share this info-graph with someone you love. Don't race for the cure to disease. Stand up.
#healthy #doingitright #noworries
But when I read The Sitting Disease by Dr. Rudy Kachmann (my father-in-law), I realized that I had missed one major detail. As a writer, I sit for long periods of time. Sometimes so long that when my husband comes home from work, I’m still in my pajamas, sitting in the same position I was in when he left twelve hours earlier. He once told me that he’s never seen anyone with such severe cases of ADD and OCD. (Is that a bipolar joke?)
“You need to move,” he’d say. “Sitting that long is not healthy.”
Common sense logic assured me that wasn't true. “Sitting is no different than standing in one place for hours on end, like you do in the operating room. I have to focus when I write. It’s part of the job.”
It is fitting that, being wrong for the first (and only) time in the history of our relationship (past and future), the magnitude of error was higher than expected. I was not only wrong, I was dead wrong. Sitting is not the same as standing. And the longer you sit, the worse it gets.
According to Dr. James Levine of the Mayo Clinic, “Excessive sitting is a lethal activity.” Now termed the “sitting disease,” the overwhelming consensus in the scientific community is that sitting is like smoking and sugar consumption: a slow but sure way to kill yourself.
Researchers at the National Cancer Institute followed 240,000 healthy patients (no history of diabetes, heart disease or cancer). People who watched TV for 7 or more hours a day were at a much higher risk of premature death than those who watched less. And exercising an hour a day did not cancel the risks. In fact, every hour of TV viewed after age 25 reduces life expectancy by 22 minutes.[i]
Seriously? One episode of Sixty Minutes costs 22 minutes of life? At least watching TV lends itself to raiding the refrigerator every half hour, so you are more likely to move. When I’m working on my computer, my hands and brain are so busy that I only get up to avoid peeing my pants.
It took three years to write Life Off the Label: A Handbook for Creating Your Own Brand of Health and Happiness. Apparently, in the process, I adopted the health habits of a couch potato. I can see the headline now: Vegan and Healthy Living Expert Dies of The Sitting Disease.
But now I know something I didn’t know before. When you know better, you do better.
Prolonged sitting causes premature aging, weight gain, physical pain, reduced mental acuity, depression, heart disease and cancer. Inactivity significantly reduces cellular functions: DNA repair mechanisms are disrupted, insulin response drops, oxidative stress rises, and metabolism slows to a stop. The more we sit, the lower our quality of life and the earlier our death.
But anyone who is on their feet all day knows that sore feet, back pain and even circulation problems aren’t awesome alternatives. The cure for the sitting disease appears to be movement. Frequent switching from one posture to another reduces the problems caused by both. Staying in one position for no more than 30 minutes is ideal.
My workstation is now a standing desk. I want a motorized one with adjustable arms for my monitor and keyboard. For now, I’m using a flowerpot turned upside down. When the sand runs out in my old-fashioned half-hour glass, I stretch and do stair laps, wall pushups and squats. Curing the sitting disease is the equivalent of quitting smoking and it feels great!
I am surprised to report that it feels just as natural to read, type and use the mouse while standing as it does when sitting. (My OCD survives my ADD.) Standing up actually feels better. (I feel like a boss.) My breathing is deeper and I’m more inclined to move around since I’m already on my feet. The pain and tightness that come with long hours stuck in a chair have all but disappeared. After my movement breaks, I am sharper and more focused. In general, I have more energy.
If work requires you to be in one place, get creative. Life is too short to feel anything but awesome. Share this info-graph with someone you love. Don't race for the cure to disease. Stand up.
