M.K. Sheehan's Blog

Things will take the time they take. Lately, I’ve been feeling rushed. The desire to get this done to complete that and check one more box before bedtime. I don’t know about you but it isn’t even Halloween and I am already feeling the pressure to compete tasks and clear my slate for the holidays. I’m trying to cram all of those promised dinners, gatherings with friends, and milestones into the finished package of 2024. The silly thing is the end of the year is not a deadline. And while getting things done is important – hello taxes! It is the quality of our time spent, not the quantity of items we cram into it, that is important. The hour will pass whether we go to yoga or sit on the couch. We get to decide how that time is best spent for us. 

It’s exciting to feel like there is momentum and urgency to the task at hand. We usually clean our house best when company is on the way. We attend gatherings for holidays or dinners we don’t want to cancel reservations for and risk our OpenTable rankings. Outside pressure that can be addicting. It gets us moving, gets the job done, and makes us feel productive. All of this is ok, as the Greeks taught us, in moderation. 

If all we’re doing is rushing from one place to the next, attending events one after the other, or stressing out about things to come, we’re not fully present for the conversations that are happening right now. We are forever chasing a future that never arrives. Now, I am the fist one to support buying your Christmas or birthday gifts early so you don’t have to rush when the day comes. However, it is also important to savor where we are and take the time when we have it.

Here in the midwest we were recently blessed with a couple weeks of mid-seventies temperatures. This typically does not happen. For perspective, we attended our annual Diwali celebration with friends. Usually we wear winter coats, hats, and gloves as we light sparklers and small fireworks to celebrate the holiday. This year I wore a summer dress and a sweater – there was no need for anything warmer. It was like Christmas in Europe, sweatshirt weather. This gift of golden sunny days before winter is such a delight. We need the sun and the vitamin D it delivers. It is a joy to experience the lingering joys of the fall season a little longer. We get outside to savor the sound of leaves crunching underfoot, feel with wind in our hair, and sit outside a spell. 

The rush to get things done is still going to creep up. Especially with holidays and gatherings kicking into high gear before the end of the year. Still we get to savor this time and I am doing my best to meditate daily and get grounded. I don’t want life to happen to me or around me, I want to be here in it. I’m grateful I get the opportunity to do so much and be a part of so many things. Instead of turning these moments into a list of obligations, my goal is be present in each day. To look around and take it in, rather than rushing from one thing to the next. 

Do you rush this time of year? How do you settle into the season? What steps do you take to stay grounded? 

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Taking Care of ourselves can be large choices that we make – being financially solvent or only nourishing relationships that are reciprocal. It can also be small choices that we make every day. The choice to go for a hike rather than arguing with someone else. Learning to become more embodied and grounded within ourselves rather than absorbing even more media or directing our attention towards slights, minor offenses, or grudges. With all of the options available to each of us my greatest encouragement to you is to choose the path the brings you joy.

I write about joy a lot but what I mean by using that word is fulfillment, personal satisfaction and pride. Some choices are hard and difficult to make, they are not “joyful,” but for our health and wellbeing they are necessary. The choices we make have very real impact on our quality of life. 

If we surround ourselves with people who deliberately misunderstand us, or drag us down, we will feel it in our bodies. When we leave these interactions we feel tired, drained, or as if we’ve been run over. The option exists for us then to consider, do we choose to embrace these false narratives about ourselves? Or do we let the relationship go and move on?

A friend I love has a challenging relationship with her children. She raised them as a single parent and has poured into them everything she knows how to give. She has also made mistakes along the way, as we all do. However, one of the best and healthiest decisions I have seen her make she made this year on Mother’s Day. Instead of sitting home and feeling mopey or depressed she travelled. She went to visit friends and while she joined in her family’s celebration she also set clear boundaries. “I came to wish my own mother Happy Mother’s Day and now I am going to swim in the pool.” A perfect Mother’s Day. 

A splendid example of taking care of yourself. It was a masterclass example of not folding to the opinions of others. She took care of herself and I plan to follow suit. Give the love you have to give and get out. You don’t owe anyone your time or attention. If a relationship leaves you feeling drained and judged, you have permission to leave. You have the power to decide how you spend your own time. You get to be happy. Those are your choices. I hope you choose the path that brings you joy.

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I refuse to embrace the stagnation of the winter months. During the winter doldrums we all move more slowly and hunker down to brace for the storm. Lately, I’ve taken the opposite approach. Instead of settling in – since the weather has been wavering between freezing and the mid-fifties – I’ve found myself gearing up instead. We re-upholstered our headboard, added a new rug to our master bedroom, and installed a new towel rack and soap dispenser in our bathrooms. Small changes are part of making life more pleasant and easier. They make our home more cozy and life more splendid without a lot of effort.

None of these changes are in any sense major. They’re quick fixes. The low hanging fruit of home renovation. We didn’t knock down walls, or restructure. We didn’t even crack a can of paint. But we did add some simple updates that make our lives more comfortable. As we are in the midst of some unseasonably warmer temperatures it feels so nice to have some fresh creature comforts. Especially, when we know that colder weather is coming and we will be spending more time indoors in the days to come. It feels like a treat to have our home be a place of refuge and ease. 

Making your home more comfortable doesn’t have to be a huge undertaking. It can be as simple as reorganizing the pantry or updating switch plates so that they all match. (We’re still not there with this activity at our house but the intention remains!) These small adjustments impact the way we feel as we go through our regular routines. Small updates don’t dramatically change the way we live our lives but they do enhance the way that we feel each day. So if your shift is a major remodel, or even as simple as dusting your bedside table, these changes greatly impact the way we feel each day.

When we show love to ourselves it makes us all feel better. When you have the opportunity to update something small that touches your daily life you feel cared for. And not by anyone else. I think part of what makes these things feel so good is that we did them for ourselves. So often we give in to the temptation to put off taking care of ourselves. We prioritize taking care of others or saving money. However, updates do not need to be revolutionary in order to be meaningful. Making small practices sweeter, showing love and generosity to yourself in those every day rituals creates far more lasting and enriching impact on the quality of our lives. 

I’ve already noticed that those few small changes already have me thinking about what comes next. As we do things that bring ourselves joy we begin to build a life that is full of simple delights and pleasures. And isn’t that what living a joyful life is about? It isn’t about big events or ceremonies, the every day rituals of a full and rich life bring us far more happiness than any one event. 

What’s one small change you can make in your home or in your life that might make your days brighter? Are there any areas where a little cleaning or even a little love might make your everyday more pleasant?

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This winter has been mild and full of sunny days. With the break in weather comes fresh breezes, green things budding early, and the ability to get outside and sit in the sun. The weather has provided ample opportunity for getting out of doors and getting active, which has really pressed fast forward towards spring. The promise of spring – even here in the depths of winter can inspire new beginnings and ideas. The freshness of the days, the openness has encouraged me to embrace movement. 

Instead of hibernation and rest, I am feeling called to activate and explore. I am not fixating on the cold or feeling the cramp of tense muscles. I am relaxed, I am going to yoga and moving. As Newton’s Laws of Motion teach us, “An object in motion stays in motion.” Therefore my only offering today is to simply get up and move. You don’t need to move mountains or set some new record. All we have to do is start and let momentum carry us forward. We deserve to feel the pleasure of coasting downhill and the only way to get there is to first walk uphill. Even a small step forward can give us all the encouragement we need to glide ahead. 

This isn’t an exercise blog – there are plenty of amazing resources for that! But I would encourage you to nourish your whole self. Mind, body, and spirit work together to support one another and keep us strong. Take care of your whole self and start wherever you feel most ready. Embrace movement and start with whatever is easiest – because complexity is not the point. The point is to begin. 

What do you do for fun that keeps you active? Are there winter sports you prefer or are you a summer activity person?

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New Year’s resolutions and magazine covers are littered with promises of a, “dream life.” But even as I read these headlines I am struck by happiness. I feel deeply satisfied to be exactly where I am. This is a powerful realization. As we’re caring for and healing ourselves the goal does not have to be change. The end result need not be something different. Our dream life may be the life we are living right now, exactly as it is.

Each of us is perfect already. As we are and where we are right now is enough. We don’t need to work on ourselves or modify our habits to fit into the world or to be worthy of love or life. There is a hilarious quote, “Before you go and change yourself check and see if you are in fact surrounded by assholes.” Sometimes we are perfect and it is only our environment that requires adjustment. Or maybe just our perspectives. We are, each of us, unique and divinely made. Our purpose cannot be known until it is time. And everything arrives at its appointed time. You are already whole and perfect.

If you need permission to love yourself exactly as you are right now – with no edits or changes – you have it. You have my unwavering love and support to embrace yourself exactly as you are and exactly where you are. I wouldn’t change anything, unless you want to. And really even if you only aspire to change but you never quite get there that’s completely ok. You are perfect here and now. 

If you’re spending time in places, or with people, who do not make you feel loved it may be time to switch that environment. Move to spaces where you are celebrated and appreciated. Let’s never change unless we want to. There is no other, “dream life.” You’re loved right now. You’re wonderful right now. And I can see it, I hope you do too. Your life is wonderful and any difficulties are only temporary. You’ve got this. I believe in you.

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In life, airplanes, and religion we are told to help ourselves first. As children we are often are taught to put the needs of others ahead of ourselves. In traditional etiquette we serve guests first. But that teaching is flawed. To care for ourselves first is biblical, Matthew 7:5, “remove the plank from your own eye before removing the splinter of your neighbor.” It is also a rule of aviation, “Affix your own mask before helping someone else.” In church and airplanes we are reminded, you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else.

Taking better and better care of yourself is your superpower. Pouring love, nourishment, and attention into yourself is the most impactful gift you can give. A long time ago we were talking about high schools and my uncle made the most beautiful observation. “When else in life are you surrounded by people telling you how wonderful you are? How brilliant you are! How there is no one else in the world like you! And how your work is needed to make this world a better place? Any school that does that insulates you for life.” Because whenever you doubt yourself or think to question yourself you need that reserve of self-love. Self-compassion acts as a buoy to lift you up out of whatever choppy waters you may be experiencing. Loving yourself and giving to yourself is the best form of preventative medicine and care.

There’s also this beautiful teaching that comes from the research of Dr. Brene Brown. Dr. Brown tells us we cannot give to our children that which we do not have. So all of this is telling us, if you don’t have compassion, love, patience, or kindness for yourself – how can you possibly teach your child to have it for themselves? They do not see and appreciate what we do for them, the see and emulate how we treat ourselves. So, if only to prevent the perpetuation of the mistaken belief that we must stress ourselves out, run ourselves ragged, or embrace performative busyness in order to have value. We need to stop pushing ourselves beyond our limits. 

We need to start honoring our limits. And more than that, embrace your boundaries. If you don’t want to attend the event, don’t. Instead, make an alternate plan. Go to dinner on another day. Rest when your body calls for it. Eat when you’re hungry. And watch the snow fall outside your window. Snow is not in a rush to find the earth, it floats, it is pushed by the wind and rests on whatever branch or building it finds first. Snow trusts that it will land wherever it is meant to be. So relax, enjoy the ride, be like snow. Pour into yourself all the love and tenderness you can bear. It does make you stronger. It is a superpower to feel so loved, so grounded, and so embodied that you need not look beyond yourself to feel your absolute best. 

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When I feel particularly consumed by an idea – if it’s a complaint or a pain point. It can sometimes be a topic in the news media or sometimes it’s much closer to home. When I’m feeling hyper-fixated on anything it helps to remember that I have the power to control the focus of my mental energy. I can choose to get really deeply entrenched in or project or an idea. Or I can zoom out, like a camera lens, for the big picture. Remembering that I control the focus reminds me that I do have some power and control in difficult situations.

It’s easy to get drawn in by headlines and social media. It’s also easy to become super focused on correcting what we perceive to be a wrong or injustice. And while these topics are worthy of our attention, they are not worthy of ALL of our focus. While we are doing social justice work, or creative problem solving, it can be impactful on our mental and physical bodies. We carry our trauma. Scientific research has shown we carry not just our own traumas but also the trauma of our ancestors with us in our DNA. Carrying that burden can get overwhelming if we don’t stop to rest. One way we do that is remembering that this particular situation is not the only one happening in our lives or in the world. 

It’s important to get involved when you’re coming from a place a health and wellbeing. However, if you notice that you’re feeling like a situation is consuming you, zoom out to the bigger picture. It doesn’t hurt to allow yourself to take a walk outside. Notice the crunch of leaves underfoot, the wind on your skin, and gentle kiss of sunlight. After you’ve spent 20 minutes outside you can come back to where you were. But chances are you will have a fresh perspective. 

Likewise, if you feel as if the big picture is too overwhelming. A news cycle that runs twenty-four seven can wear us all down from time to time. When that happens zoom in, realign your focus to your own breath, your own energy, is your heart rate up? Practice some box breathing to get out of the swirling thoughts and back into your own body. This simple exercise can really shift your biological response to stress and remind you that while there are things out in the world you’d like to change, here in your body you are safe and well. 

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I recently sent an encouraging note to an old friend and thought it might serve you as well.

I wanted to send you a little love. What you’re doing is hard but as Tom Hanks told us in A League of Their Own, “The hard is what makes it great!” You are building, growing, and learning, I see a seeking in you that I am feeling too. An urgency is creeping in to do, complete, and prove I haven’t been wasting my time. I forget to appreciate that if our younger selves saw us now, they would be amazed. They would be so proud of us – and that’s what I want to share with you. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of us. And even though it is hard now, it is also pretty great.

Life can be challenging but there is nothing that we cannot face. We will handle this moment with poise, dignity, and strength. Our fears only get smaller once we face them. Let us rise to the occasion.

When we’re feeling fear it’s easy to compare ourselves to our heroes or the examples of success we see on social media. And that fear feels so real and heavy. However, and this is a big however, we are eons ahead of where we were when we began. When you look back at your college self, high school self, middle school self – could they imagine the life you have right now? When you were growing up was the life you have right now guaranteed? Have you accomplished nothing since that time? 

Or perhaps, like me, would your younger self be stunned. Her hair would be blown back at the audacity, the calamity, the sheer will that brought us to this point! She would be delighted. Impressed. Proud! More than anything she would be so full of love. We have succeeded. We have pressed on and pressed through. Rising above to stand in our truth. 

20 year old us could not believe their good luck. As we begin this new year – I am challenging fear head on. Because fear is a liar. We have done some incredible things and will continue to do more. There is so much waiting on the other side of this new year. It does not serve us to play small. We are in the driver’s seat, this is the route we are on. If it’s time to take to the skies or go off-roading we are up for the challenge. I am proud of us and everything we’ve done up to this point. Let us plan to make ourselves even prouder in the year to come!

XXO- M

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Lately I have found myself attempting to finish everything else before I begin my own priorities. The things that nourish and sustain me are met with delays. Especially during the holidays, there is always one more thing for someone else. However, if you are forever putting everyone else’s needs before your own, you just might never get to your own goals. Therefore, I am going to suggest the practice of honoring yourself first. Because the world will always have needs. The things that make life worth living are worth our time and investment.

By honoring ourselves first we are not saying that the other projects, plans, and people in our lives are not important. We are acknowledging that our needs are most important to us. Just as everyone else’s priorities are most important to them. The key is to remember that your priorities come first. We may never finish the millions of projects and ideas that percolate in our minds constantly. We need not add any more to our plates.

The goal is not to honor ourselves so that we have more energy to honor everyone else. Or that we do this in order to do that better. It is simply a healthy practice to be attentive to our own needs. To be focused on our bodies, our mental health, our selves. The world is quick to fill our schedules with obligations. What are the simple pleasures that you need? What gifts of attention, time, or resources, and pleasures can you give to yourself? 

Instead of rushing to accomplish tasks for everyone else first – what steps can we take to fill ourselves up? These are big questions but often the answers are often surprisingly simple. We need a midmorning break for hot tea. We need to write out an agenda for the day, having that tool helps us to stay mentally on track. Honor yourself first and see how your life blossoms. The day feels more yours instead of just a list of events and tasks completed.

How are you looking after yourself? What small adjustment to your daily schedule would feel better for you?

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Noticing small things shifts our awareness. Recently, I began the intentional act of focusing on my interactions as an outside observer. This practice empowers me to operate as an outside judge. This role guides me to ask some very important questions. In my relationships: Do I feel uplifted and joyful? Do I feel misunderstood or defensive? Is my energy depleted or do I feel full? These are small but necessary data points. I want to be surrounded by people who encourage and celebrate me. When I am with other people I want to be lifted up, otherwise solitude is preferable. I want to go where I am wanted and celebrated.

Being attentive to the energy we feel when engaging with others, leads us to put ourselves first. These are not small stakes. Stop putting the comfort and values of other people ahead of your own and you will find what brings you joy and satisfaction. You get to choose your relationships. Select the people in your life based on connection rather than circumstance.

The first step is to recognize that this is what is happening. That we do not need to redouble our efforts when someone steps away. Our lives all progress at different paces and we move from one phase of life to another, often making new friends along the way. American songwriter and performer, Taylor Swift, calls these Eras. Sometimes we outgrow friendships and relationships. It is hard to let go but noticing the quality of the relationship helps us to gauge its true value. Are you the only one reaching out? Does it feel good to be in this person’s company? Or do you feel drained, tired, misunderstood, or as if you are repeating yourself because they didn’t listen?

People aren’t perfect and we all have off days. But as I notice the people I am investing in not reciprocating, I realign my efforts. I make a deliberate choice not to invest any further where there isn’t any return. It’s a basic financial principle, invest where the returns and dividends are plentiful. When something is expensive and costing you time and money, it should be worthy of the investment. And if it’s not, cut your losses. Move on to a new investment – or relationship – that better serves and supports you. Go where you are wanted and celebrated. We don’t want to be anywhere where we are only tolerated or allowed. Surround yourself with people who are excited to see you. Those friends that light up when you enter the room, those are your people – move towards them!

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