Jennifer DeFrates's Blog

Is there really anything new to learn about Jesus? Jesus died more than 2000 years ago. Everything we can legitimately know about His life was written down within a generation of his death. So when someone claims to have a new teaching on Christ, we should rightfully be a tad suspicious. I certainly was when I began reading Tom Gilson’s new book, Too Good to be False.  But Gilson claims new old truths we can learn about Jesus. The facts that Gilson points out aren’t really new, but they are things that even dedicated believers like myself may have never considered. His way of looking at the life and ministry of Jesus is truly unique for today. We think Jesus lived a perfect life, but we don’t often think about that in a concrete manner. What did that look like at home, with His family, friends, etc.? What do we not see in Jesus’s life that we would expect to in any other person’s life? We can learn about Jesus that He was truly unique! Has any other character EVER in literature or history been perfect? As a former teacher of literature, I cannot think of any. Even in our wildest imaginations, we cannot even conceive of a person without flaws. What makes us think that the authors of the gospels could have invented Jesus? Not even the greatest literary giants ever conceived of a character so powerful, so selfless, so loving, so perfect. Gilson uses the unique character of Jesus and the details of his ministry to take us down a path to see how that helps solidify the likelihood that the Gospels have to be the true recollections of the disciples. Gilson challenges us to learn about Jesus from what is absent in His story. We know He was wise, but don’t always consider how He always gave exactly the answer each person needed, knowing the condition of their heart immediately. He never had to get to know someone before clearly diagnosing their need. He never got better at spiritual things. Physically and mentally, Jesus had to mature, and those bodily limitations would have affected His skill levels, but only for a time. By 12, Jesus was teaching in the synagogue with wisdom and maturity and authority. He never gave a bad sermon and then improved His technique. He never learned from mistakes, because he never made any. Some of the very things that make us human and define our human experience, like learning from our mistakes or growing in our abilities, were things that Jesus never did. Is Tom Gilson’s book Too Good to Be False worth reading? Absolutely! First, it’s easy to pick up and read quickly. If you’re a busy wife and mom, this is an enjoyably easy, and yet rich, book to read to solidify your faith. Additionally, Gilson has included a nice study guide that makes this a great book to use with your teens or in small group study. As someone who is regularly attacked for believing in the reliability of the Gospels, I can tell you that the way Gilson reflects on what the Gospels don’t say, don’t do, and how they don’t match up with the concept of a “telephone game legend” was truly refreshing. In some ways, his arguments feel very much like Frank Turek and Norman Geisler’s I Don’t Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist because you need more faith to believe the skeptics’ versions of the Gospels! I read many great apologetics books about Jesus, but this one was truly very different. I didn’t walk away with a ton of facts and figures to memorize. Instead, I walked away with a renewed sense of awe for the person of Christ and some great logical points solidifying my faith that the Gospel stories about Jesus are true. I would encourage all Christians to read this book to strengthen their faith.

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My picks for the best podcasts of Christian Apologists is a hearty list. I like several different styles of podcasts with speakers who have different specialties. If you’ve never studied apologetics or don’t know what it is, you might want to skip over to my previous post for some important reasons all Christians should study apologetics. But several readers have asked me for some suggestions, so I want to share my favorites. If you’re looking for just a quick list, scroll through the headings quickly. But I also took the time to share their websites, other resources, books, and why I like and appreciate each one to help you find the ones that will best meet your needs and spark your interest. I would recommend subscribing to all that you find interesting either in your podcast app or on YouTube so you don’t have to keep coming back to this list. The Best Podcasts for Christian Apologetics Cold Case Christianity If you like crime dramas and detective novels, you’ll really appreciate J. Warner Wallace of Cold Case Christianity. Jim is a former atheist and Cold Case Homicide Detective who has been featured on Dateline a number of times. He began to examine the Gospels as a skeptic, but found himself seeing evidence of their truthfulness. Listen here! When he became a Christian at 35, he was all in for Jesus. He earned a master’s degree from Gateway Seminary and began using his unique perspective as a detective to teach people how to think critically about God and the Universe and the Bible. His books are easy to read and full of solid evidence. Why I love Cold Case Christianity – This was the first apologetics podcast I found so it holds a special place in my heart. I didn’t know there were answers to my questions. While listening to his podcast, I often found myself teary-eyed, thankful for his ministry. Wallace is thoughtful and witty. The way he looks at evidence and the world is very unique. His podcasts are more than just information, but are geared toward training parents to reach our children. His blog is exceptional as well. Jim and his wife have even written children’s books to accompany his adult books. My daughter really loves them. I Don’t Have Enough Faith to Be an Atheist Dr. Frank Turek wrote a book with Norm Geisler called I Don’t Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist which is an examination of how much faith it would take to believe that our universe and world just happened by accident. Turek’s podcast does a good job of explaining complex ideas but makes them understandable and relevant. His podcast used to be called Cross Examined which is still the name of his website and YouTube channel. Listen Here! What I love about I Don’t Have Enough Faith to Be an Atheist – Frank’s style is bold and doesn’t pull any punches. He is from New Jersey and has a fast-talking, slightly sarcastic wit, which is perfect for his campus ministry. He travels around the country speaking at college campuses defending the faith for college students. You can watch excerpts from the videos here. Many atheists attend his lectures and he does some great question and answer sessions with them. His podcasts and videos answer just about any question you might have heard about everything from Creation to Christianity! Stand to Reason Stand to Reason with Greg Koukl  and his team is one of my favorite resources. The website has all sorts of information! Stand to Reason also puts out two of the best podcasts each week. One is Stand to Reason which is usually Greg Koukl talking about all sorts of topics, but also has guests regularly. The second podcast is where Greg and co-host Amy Hall answer listener questions submitted on Twitter using the #STRAsk. You can submit your questions by posting them on twitter and adding #STRAsk. I’ve had a few questions answered myself! Listen Here! Greg Koukl has written one of my all time favorite books on Christian apologetics, Tactics. It is about ways we can share our faith and convictions with people in our lives in ways that make them really think. I even have two copies: the original version and the new expanded 10th Anniversary edition. Why I love Stand to Reason – Listening to Greg is like an adult version of the best of Mr. Rogers. I mean that as a high compliment. Greg’s voice is soothing. He is gentle and wise, even when talking with atheists. He takes his time to answer questions in ways that are well considered. Also, I really appreciate how much I’ve learned about theology from listening to his podcast. The way he looks at the whole of scripture when considering each question has been so informative for my own Bible study. Additionally, Amy Hall is a wonderful apologist as well. She is incredibly smart, has large swaths of scripture memorized and is a great thinker. We need more women in apologetics like Amy Hall. Another of the best podcasts is Mama Bear Apologetics Mama Bear Apologetics is a team of women apologists lead by the wonderfully intelligent and quirky Hillary Morgan Ferrer. These women are seriously incredible: educated, wise, witty, down-to earth. This is a great podcast for moms or anyone who wants to understand apologetics and learn how to apply the knowledge in your daily life. Listen Here! I was on the launch team for their book, which is such a great resource for anyone who wants to explore apologetics, but especially parents. You can read more about it here. I’ve bought three copies! It makes perfect gifts! Another great female apologist is Alisa Childers Alisa Childers was once most famous as a member of the Christian music group Zoe Girl. But she found herself challenged by questions to her faith by a pastor who had fallen into Progressive Christianity. She found apologetics and shares what she has learned with us. Listen Here! Alisa’s podcast covers a variety of topics, but is always helpful, relevant, and powerful. She is very easy to listen to with a gentle style of speaking that is very engaging. Her specialty is Progressive Christianity. She spends a lot of time studying historical Christianity and seeing how progressive ideology is creeping into the church. Her book on the subject, Another Gospel, will release in October. I am so excited! The Bible Thinker Mike Winger is the Bible Thinker. And I LOVE him. He is my spirit animal, LOL. The way he researches topics deeply and brings to bear all of scripture to every topic is amazing. His ministry goal is to teach people to think and live Biblically in all areas of life. While he does speak on apologetics, most of his focus is on having good theology and how that helps us defend our faith. I have learned so much about how to study and read the Bible from listening to his teachings. Listen Here! Atheists love to attack the Bible. Mike Winger teaches how the Bible is one coherent story from Genesis to Revelation. His podcast is the audio versions of his YouTube videos. When I can, I prefer to watch the videos because he puts the scriptures on the screen as he explains and analyzes them. You also get the full effect of the Cat Cam on video. Reasonable Faith Reasonable Faith with Dr. William Lane Craig is also one of the first apologetics podcasts I found. Dr. Craig is brilliant. He is a philosopher and apologist. His website has a TON of resources from popular articles to academic resources, to videos and his podcasts: Reasonable Faith and The Defenders, which is his Sunday school class! I would love to attend a class like that. Listen Here Dr. Craig is a rich resource in the Christian community. I truly cannot find words to express what an incredible thinker he is. While I don’t always reach the same conclusions that he does, I find that the way he considers arguments and formulates responses challenges me to dig deeper and pursue truth. His short videos are excellent ways to take complicated ideas and make them understandable and memorable. RZIM RZIM, or Ravi Zacharias International Ministries, has several different podcasts. I personally love Ravi Zacharias and my heart was just shattered that I never got to meet him on this side of heaven. Literally anything and everything from Ravi is worth reading, watching, or listening to. He had a quality as a speaker and apologist that was supernatural. How much he loved people was clear in every answer to every question he gave. I believe God worked mightily through his ministry. And thankfully we can still enjoy so much of his work through technology. Listen Here! Additionally, I love Abdu Murray who is now the North American Director of RZIM. I have listened to him speak many times and have learned so much from him. He was a Muslim who became a Christian Apologist. His testimony is convicting and powerful. Murray is also a renowned trial lawyer. His podcast The Defense Rests examines the claims for Christianity from a legal perspective. The Theology Mom My most recently find, The Theology Mom is from Krista Bontrager. Although technically, it’s a 2 in 1 because her podcast also houses All the Things with Monique Duson who has a very powerful Christian perspective with a dose of fun. Monique heads the Center for Biblical Unity. Krista is a gifted theologian and apologist with quite the extensive resume as a theologian and an incredible testimony. These podcasts are audio versions of their YouTube/ Facebook videos. Listen Here! One of my recent favorites was from Easter, outlining the timeline of Jesus’ last Holy week. I learned so much about the unique timing of Christ’s crucifixion with the Passover. Her blog is also a rich source of information about relevant topics and how Christians can use theology to enrich their faith. Her recent focus, with Monique, has been on racial unity and the concepts of justice. As a woman and theologian, her opinions and ideas are firmly rooted in scripture and seasoned with grace. Bonus – Gary Habermas Dr. Habermas doesn’t have his own podcast, but if you listen/read enough apologetics, you’re going to hear his name. Habermas is a frequent guest on many podcasts and YouTube channels. He has written many apologetics books as well. He is one of the foremost scholars on the New Testament and the Resurrection. His minimal facts argument for the Resurrection of Christ is GOLD! Definitely worth searching for on YouTube – you will find HOURS of incredibly encouraging content. I hope you enjoy my picks for the BEST PODCASTS for Christian Apologetics.

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All Christians should study apologetics. Christians should study apologetics may sound like a bold claim if you’ve barely even heard of apologetics, but I promise you apologetics has been the most important thing I’ve done for my faith besides reading my Bible regularly. What is Apologetics? Apologetics is a rational, organized defense of the Christian faith. It is the why behind the what we believe. Apologetics has many different aspects. Some people study the timelines of events in the Bible. Astrophysicists study the universe and God’s hand in creation. Some apologists are philosophers who consider the rational reasoning behind having faith. Some are archaeologists who examine artifacts and geographical evidence that supports the Bible. Apologetics has many different branches, but they all stem from the same tree of demonstrating the reasonableness of the Christian faith. Reason 1 why all Christians should study apologetics – Because the Bible tells us to. Most Christians know what we believe, but if someone were to ask why do you believe it, would you have an answer? Did you know the Bible tells us we should have an answer? 1 Peter 3:15 ESV  But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, Christians have a hope within us that the rest of the world does not. We should be prepared to explain why we have this hope to anyone who asks. Studying apologetics helps us prepare this answer before we need to answer it. Reason 2 why all Christians should study apologetics is to shore up our own faith. If we’re honest, most Christians have doubts occasionally. From time to time, we wonder is any of this real? Am I just hoping in something fictional? Like the father in Mark 9, I have cried out in the night for God to help my unbelief. Mark 9:24 ESV Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” Most recently, when I was just feeling broken and despondent from the current cultural darkness, I begged God for help. I instantly felt I should call a friend I hadn’t talked to in almost a year. I kept pushing back that feeling, but that day she called me! She said she felt God telling her to call me. Ok, God, I hear you! You see even those moments that I just need encouragement to keep fighting the darkness! But aren’t Christians supposed to have blind faith? Some Christians believe that our faith should be absolute and require no proof or it isn’t faith. Have you heard this argument before? I certainly had. But just believe! rang horribly false when I heard atheist objections to the Bible’s accuracy or challenges to creation. I needed better answers than just blind faith! I was so grateful to know that this isn’t the kind of faith God ever expected us to have. Faith was trusting in what we have reason to believe is true. If we look through the entirety of scriptures, we can see that God and Jesus used miracles at specific times to demonstrate their power and authority. In Luke 7, while John the Baptist is in jail awaiting his fate, he sends two of his followers to ask Jesus if He is the Messiah. John the Baptist was the first to recognize Jesus as the Messiah, and yet, he doubted. Does Jesus rebuke John? Tell him to just have faith? No. Luke 7:21 ESV In that hour he healed many people of diseases and plagues and evil spirits, and on many who were blind he bestowed sight. He spends the next hour performing the exact types of miracles that the Old Testament prophets predicted the Messiah would do. And then commends John in front of the crowd, “I tell you, among those born of women none is greater than John.” In John 10, some of the Jews listening to Jesus teach grow restless wanting to know if He is the Messiah. Jesus’s answer gives us hope today. John 10:25 ESV Jesus answered them, “I told you, and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father’s name bear witness about me, Jesus didn’t expect people to blindly hope in Him without cause. He expected His followers then and now to trust the signs and teachings that demonstrated His divine nature.  Reason 3 why all Christians should study Apologetics is to gain critical thinking skills. We live in an internet age in which anyone can say anything. People make emotionally powerful statements or videos and the mobs cheer assent, often without thinking deeply about what they are cheering. From studying apologetics, I have learned to think deeply about the meaning of words. Challenging conversations have to start with some ground rules, like clear definitions of terms. If we are using the same words, but mean different things, conversations can go south quickly. For example, love is love sounds pithy and noble, but what is the definition of love here? “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.” ― C.S. Lewis I doubt this is the kind of love meant by Love is Love. Studying apologetics made me more aware of linguistic theft (changing definitions of words to mean something new and often contradictory). Apologetics also taught me to think logically about the statements people make. Listening to thousands of hours of apologetics podcasts, I’ve learned to see through logical fallacies and be able to make sound arguments for why I believe God exists and the Bible is truth. Reason 4 why all Christians should study Apologetics is to learn sound doctrine. While some aspects of apologetics strive to harmonize science with our faith or study the accuracy of the Bible, some apologists spend most of their time studying the doctrine of what we believe by studying the Bible. I’ve learned to never read A Bible verse, but instead to study the context of a verse, look at the intended audience, consider the historical context, etc. I’ve learned how to formulate answers for tough questions, like why do we believe Jesus had to die on the cross for our sins? Is it cosmic child abuse? Through apologetics (and reading my Bible), I’ve learned how to see the thread of God’s promise to redeem us flows through the entire Bible from the fall and the covenants with Abraham and Moses to Revelation. The requirements of the first passover in Egypt foreshadow Christ’s blood redeeming us humanity from death. Christ’s death occurring on Passover during the ritual slaughter of lambs for the Jewish Passover meal was not an accident. It was God’s divine plan in His divine timing. I’ve learned to read my Bible better. How do we know the will of God on an issue? We can study God’s response in similar situations, look for what He values, look at God’s definitions of love, justice, righteousness, etc. If we find a verse that isn’t totally clear, how do we determine what it means? We look at other verses on the same topic that are clear. Always use the clearest verses to shore up our theology. Learning to study the Bible for all it’s worth is one of the biggest joys I’ve gained from apologetics. One theologian/apologist/pastor, Mike Winger, has really taught me how to take an issue like marriage and research it through the entirety of scripture, not just the designated marriage passages. I love feeling like I better understand the will and character of God. Living out my faith has become so much easier with sound theology. Reason 5 why all Christians should study Apologetics is to share our faith. Learning how to talk to people about God the most important reason of all. If Jesus is the only way to salvation from sin and those who die in their sin will spend eternity separated from every grace of God, we need to be sharing our faith regularly. Too many people in our lives are not living as saved children of God. We need to do our best to invite as many people as possible into real relationship with God. Some people will respond to the Gospel message alone, but most people will have questions. Apologetics will help you answer tough questions from friends and family. Is there any evidence for God? Why should I believe the Bible is accurate? Was Jesus even real? Why should I believe in the Resurrection? How can you believe there is only way to God? Are other faiths true? What about Mormonism? Islam? Having answers helps remove objections that prevent people from seeking Jesus and opens their hearts and minds to faith in God. All of which goes back to the first reason, Christians should study apologetics to be prepared to give an answer for the hope we have in Christ.

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I wanted to write a Father’s Day love letter to my husband. Because I think we have devalued fatherhood in our country. We’ve taken what it means to be a man and characterized it as toxic instead of celebrating the types of righteous masculinity that God designed for men. And God designed the family to have both male and female parents for a reason. We need to be doing more to celebrate the different roles we have and the beautiful way God created them to complement each other. I want to celebrate my husband as a father for the best parts of who he is. And he definitely doesn’t hear it enough. The day to day just keeping the house running, the bills paid, the meals made often gets the most of our time. As a result, I often forget to tell him how much I love, respect, and appreciate him. And that is my fault. I need to spend more time telling him, but this short letter is one way to remember that being her dad is exactly who he is supposed to be, doing things his way even (maybe especially) when that way is different from mine. Dear Husband, I don’t always remember to tell you just how much I appreciate the father you are, especially to our daughter. Father’s Day is always challenging because you hate being celebrated. But the expectations for dads have never been higher, and you often feel like you’re not measuring up. I want you to know that you’re undeservedly hard on yourself sometimes. So today, I want to tell you all the ways you are getting it right with our sweet little girl. She was both the child you were most prepared for and least ready for. You knew the ins and outs of babies, but you weren’t prepared for the intense little girlness of her, for the effortless way she would wrap you around her pinky and be so totally different from your boys, full of ribbons and bows and imagination and drama! In this Father’s Day love letter, I want to say I see the good job you’re doing. I love watching her with you, the way she races to your arms the second you pull in the driveway, the way everything is better because daddy is home. My heart melts when I hear you call her baby. I love watching your gentleness with her, the way you play dress up with her or let her style your hair. Watching you read to her makes my heart full. I love hearing the inside jokes you share only with her. She has softened you in beautiful ways. Keep being her dad. Keep taking her fishing, teaching her to cast and reel and bait her own hooks. Take her to fly kites and pick berries. Walk with her through the woods, teach her which plants are safe, which broken branches show deer signs. From you, she learns to honor nature and respect the animals we eat. Teach her to love adventures and to forget about her hair. Let her get muddy on your watch. Keep wrestling and tickling. You’re teaching her so much more than to laugh. Loving play is teaching her that good men can be trusted. And you are teaching her to set boundaries with her body and to defend herself. Do you remember how special it was to watch TV with your dad, just the two of you? She already so enjoys curling up next to you and watching hunting shows together. You’re building loving memories and creating exciting future plans in her imagination. Keep flying her around the house as long as you can. You’ve taught her to feel safe in your strength. And our crazy, dreamer girl will always remember you made her first impossible dream to fly come ‘true.’ You deserve a great Father’s Day! Keep teaching her all the things you do. From you, she learns animals and biology better than any high school lab. She learns to try every new food at least once, even spicy octopus.

Need some strategies for fair fighting in marriage? You’re not alone. Fair fighting takes practice in learning to communicate well and graciously handle conflicts. We sometimes forget we need to practice forgiveness and grace the most is at home. We let down our guard and raise our expectations with our families, which is a recipe for disaster. Marriage can bring out the best in us, but also our worst. We’re living in close quarters with another sinner. Our flaws and quirks are going to bump elbows sometimes. Sometimes, those elbows are going to hit sensitive places and arguments start. For me, it’s been a real work of the Holy Spirit to guide me as a wife. My human response to conflict is the same as many people: selfishness, defensiveness, hurt, anger. Developing a Godly response takes maturity and work, and sometimes coffee. But learning to fight fair in marriage is probably one of the most important lessons I’ve needed to learn as a Christian wife because how I demonstrate love for my husband is part of my witness to our children and the world. The first rule in fair fighting is don’t fight. Fighting is so destructive. Words said in the heat of the moment can build walls of resentment for years to come. One minute you’re slightly frustrated that he didn’t wash the dishes, the next you’re angrily yelling about that one time he got you lost on vacation. I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I have found ourselves fighting and by the end could barely remember what started it. Because small disagreements and poor communication bring up bitterness and resentment that we’ve held onto in other areas. Fair fighting truly means doing my best to stop the argument before it starts. We can stop arguments in two ways: First, by not allowing ourselves to get upset or offended easily. Our job is to be a helpmate to our husband. We are to be partners in our home, our lives, our church, our community. How can you be the partner he needs in rough moments? Offer him more grace when he makes mistakes or is insensitive or unkind. Assume that even when he fails miserably that he is trying to do his best by you and your family. Treat him as though this is true. Doesn’t matter if it is true. You are not his Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is his Holy Spirit. Let God’s conviction on his heart speak louder than you do. If you MUST say something, do not speak out of anger and do so gently. Secondly, by how we respond when our spouse is offended or upset. We don’t have to respond to their emotions with equal emotions. Ask gentle questions before you respond at all. Sounds like you’re really frustrated. What is it? Can I help in some way?  Identify if the issue is even marriage related. A rough day at work can spill over onto me. I can choose to let it roll off and seek to comfort him instead of getting offended. Let him talk and be heard if it is marriage related. Fully understand his concerns and emotions before you respond. But this is a really hard teaching. My flesh doesn’t want to respond to angry feelings with gentleness and peace. But marriage is a journey in sanctification. Marriage reflects God’s love and the relationship between Christ and the church. It’s a complex, beautiful mystery. And part of God’s plan for marriage is that it will grow us in Christ. We will need to learn to be selfless and to exhibit His peace and patience to build a truly loving and joyful marriage. Human frustration and anger will never do that. One Bible verse for fighting fair in marriage is in one of my favorite verses. In fact, this verse complements the idea of listening and reflecting before speaking. James 1:19-20 ESV  Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Free Printable of James 1:19-20 Being quick to hear is part of learning to fight fair. Are you listening to your husband? You might think, of course I am, but hearing his words isn’t the same as listening. Hey, I’m guilty, too. My husband walks through the door while I’m already in the middle of 8,000 things and says something. I don’t always want to pause and ask him what he meant or ask for more details in that moment. But I should. If at all possible give him my best attention and ask him genuine questions. What do you mean by that? is an incredible question that is very useful for getting people to talk and explain their thinking. And listen to your husband as you would to your best friend. I am so guilty of listening to him to get to the important part (the part that requires my input, attention, time, etc.) rather than listening to him to know him and enjoy him. Make eye contact. Hold his hand. After being together a long time, sometimes we forget to just enjoy who he is, what he likes, what makes him feel loved. Listening well will change your marriage. When I listen to my husband, he feels loved and respected. Then he is better able to hear my thoughts. If he feels rushed and ignored, what I say won’t matter much. I’ve already hurt his feelings. A big part of learning to fight fair is learning to love better in the first place.  Be slow to speak. Part of listening well means making sure you have let him flesh out his ideas and can respond to what he means, not just what he initially said or what we read into what was said. When my emotions start to run away with me, I need to be quiet. Take a second to pray for peace and to see your husband through God’s eyes. I can forget that my real conflict isn’t with him, but the ruler of this world. Ephesians 6:12 ESV  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. What if you don’t have time in the moment to have a good discussion? Sometimes, an issue requires a more in-depth conversation than the moment allows. But, we don’t want to dismiss things that are important to our husbands. This is really an important issue for me too. I want to discuss it when I can give you my full attention and after I’ve had some time to think and pray on it. Can it wait? Then set a time to talk. By even mentally scheduling the conversation, you can prepare your heart and mind to respond to even the most difficult discussions peacefully. But don’t we have to solve it before going to bed??? Isn’t that in the Bible somewhere? Kind of, but not really. The verse actually is: Ephesians 4:26 ESV  Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, We should attempt to resolve our anger before the end of the day. That doesn’t always mean we’ve resolved the disagreement. Sometimes, it’s ok to say, I’m not sure we agree on this right now, but I love you. And sleep on it, together. Go to bed with hugs and kisses. Talk about something else. Remember that this disagreement isn’t the most important part of your relationship. A disagreement can feel like a sharp sword slicing down the middle of your marriage in the heat of the moment. But for me, just the act of sleeping on an issue usually reminds me that our marriage is bigger than the disagreement. Having differing viewpoints on major issues is still really hard. Yet, having even wildly different viewpoints won’t be what destroys your marriage, how you handle them could be. Even if we can’t agree in the moment, I don’t have to choose to stay angry. Be Slow to Anger. I am a boiling kettle when I get angry. I may take a long time to simmer, but once I’m boiling, it takes all my strength not to explode. Proverbs 14:29 ESV  Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. I have to figure out the source of my anger and deal with it before I start to boil. Often, when I start to peel away the layers of my anger, I find selfishness at the center. My plans were disrupted. This is more work for me. I don’t like this. This is making my life harder. Why do I have to do all of the _____?! laundry, dishes, housework, etc. When I recognize that my anger is coming from selfishness, I find it easier to take it to God and ask for help with my sin. I’m not responsible for my husband’s attitude, selfishness, etc. I’m responsible for my own. Christians are called to a life of service. Not entitlement. If I can’t even serve my husband and family joyfully, what kind of service am I doing for Christ? Not much of one, that’s for sure. What do you say to your husband when you’re fighting? I am a words girl. I spend time crafting careful letters and messages and blog posts. So, when I disagree with my husband about something, I tend to think that just the right words will help him see my point of view, but I’ve found that is rarely the case. More important than my words is my tone and attitude. I need to convey my love for him first. Nothing I say will matter if I do not love. One of the most powerful Bible verses about fair fighting in marriage is Proverbs 15:1 ESV  A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. It’s not a promise, but as a general principle, staying calm and having a gentle tone often keeps the situation from escalating. One morning, we were driving in a fairly heavy rain on the way to church. My van does not handle well in the rain, and I was feeling very anxious in the passenger’s seat. When I asked my husband to slow down, his response was sharp. I was instantly hurt. I didn’t understand his response. The Holy Spirit brought that verse to mind. And I paused. I took a moment to pray for clarity. God revealed that my reaction might have sounded like criticism to my husband. So, I quietly told him, I know you’re an excellent driver and love us very much, but my van doesn’t handle as well as your truck in the rain. Even though I know you can handle it, I would feel calmer if we slowed down a bit. He was able to hear me, not as criticizing him, but having real fears that I was sharing with him. Giving him the opportunity to meet my needs and comfort my fears instead of demanding my way changed the entire dynamic. Interestingly enough not five minutes later, we narrowly avoided a massive collision because we were going a little slower. God was with us in that vehicle for sure. Keep your focus on one issue. Even if this seems to be a recurring issue, bringing up past circumstances complicates the conversation with different recollections and held-over bitterness. Which also means – Don’t use words like always, never, etc. No one is ALWAYS or NEVER anything. And sweeping generalities hurt. Fair fighting remembers to treat your husband the way he wants to be treated. Men respond differently to things than women do. Think about the way his brain works, what his emotional triggers are, etc. before you respond in charged situations. I don’t always remember how critical an unwelcome suggestion can...

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Learning How to Make Friends as a Christian Woman starts learning how to BE a friend. You might think you know how to be a friend. But I had to give this some thought several years ago and really be willing to look more deeply in the mirror. I am loyal and kind, but I struggle with some things that have made developing lasting friendships more challenging for me than for some people. Learning how to make friends comes easy to some. But I have always been that person who felt like she didn’t fit in. I am the person who walks away from a conversation and replays every awkward thing I said. Bullies tormented me for so long as a child, I became so self-conscious that I became introverted. To Learn How to Make Friends for Me Meant Learning Why it was so Hard for Me I still struggle sometimes because letting people in means letting people see the real me and risking rejection. I’m not perfect, and that is so hard for me. I never want people to see that my hair is a disaster or I lose my temper with my kids or my house is messy. But I had to learn that trying to hold together this pretense of perfection pushed people away. I mean who wants to be friends with someone who is perfect??? But yet, I was so afraid to be the real, broken, imperfect person I am with people, until I finally understood my worth in God’s eyes. Finding my real identity in Him freed me from so much comparing with people. Learning that God created me exactly as He needed me to be to accomplish His purposes for my life, to befriend the people He needs me to befriend, to speak truth into the lives of the people that He brings into my sphere. And we can’t make friends if we aren’t willing to be real with people. One of the qualities of good friends is being genuine. And accepting that we aren’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea. But we can be someone’s favorite cup of tea if we learn to exhibit the qualities of a good friend. God has been walking me through a deeper understanding of friendships and relationships because part of ministering to women is knowing how to love them. I had some knowledge about how to teach them, but I needed to learn to just love them. Learning to love like Christ has helped me learn how to make friends as a Christian woman. I needed to stop worrying about what kinds of friends I wanted to have, and work on what kind of friend I wanted to BE. I started looking at my dearest friends and thinking about what makes each of them such good friends. What are the qualities of a good friend? I can always call her, no matter the time of day. She is supportive, cheering me on when I am full of self-doubt. I can count on her to take time for me, even when her own life is boiling over. We don’t let trivial stuff interfere with our love for each other. She encourages my walk with Christ. When my life is falling apart, I know she’ll listen, offer to punch someone

Learning how to love your husband can be as simple as secret service. It was the key to unlocking my bitter, angry heart and learning to love my husband again, which, in turn, saved our marriage. What I really needed to learn was how to love your husband according to the Bible! We still really loved each other, but something was very broken. My husband was angry all the time. I was bitter. We could barely talk about anything without bickering, so we didn’t. I did my thing. He did his. We slept in the same bed, but we weren’t any kind of team. (keep reading for how dirty underwear brought lasting change to my marriage) By the time we tried to communicate, we were boilers ready to explode, harboring so many hurts and slights. Using every human method to communicate that I knew, we couldn’t find solid. I was desperately trying pop psychology and self-help books. But my marriage was still failing! A year after he returned from his last deployment, I didn’t know if we were going to make it. I was trying so hard to be a “good” wife while he was such a selfish jerk. He didn’t care about how his choices affected me at all. He used the last of the milk, broke my favorite dishes with his carelessness, and left me at home with the stomach flu and a toddler so he could go hunting. If I ever dared to complain, he would shut me out completely or explode with rage. The train wreck of our marriage was hiding so many broken pieces. I didn’t know where to begin to learn how to love my husband again. While I wasn’t ready to leave, I was heartbroken. I didn’t see how I could live the rest of my life with this awful person who hurt me at every turn. Guarding my heart from him, I walked on eggshells whenever we were together. Often, I went to bed aching with loneliness, wishing he would start being what I needed. What a selfish creep .  . I was. Wait, what? Yep, I’d been angry and bitter because I’d been expecting my husband to fill my heart in the places God should be. I was bitter from my selfish, unmet desires. Before I could learn how to love my husband, I had to learn how God loves me. I began seeking God’s answers for my life. At first, when I read about letting God be my portion, it didn’t make sense, but I kept reading my bible and praying about it. Lamentations 3:24 ESV “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Over time, the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to my need for grace, and understanding God’s love for me. It unlocked my heart. A veil lifted. I was able to see other people as loved creations of God struggling with their own sins and hurts. I stopped seeing my husband as someone responsible for filling my heart, but as someone whose heart was so empty, he could barely function. Then, I realized I’d been keeping score for a long time. I won’t do this for him because he didn’t do that for me. Each check mark against him cemented a brick in the wall between us. Even when I had been doing the right things, I’d had the wrong heart. I would hold up my pretty list of all the wonderful chores I had done for him during the day and wait for his gratitude. Most of the time, I got nothing or a mumbled thanks, then I got hurt and more resentful. But God really convicted me, “Are you truly doing things to serve or to get something from him?” My motives weren’t pure. I wanted his love, recognition, respect. I needed to learn how to love my husband unconditionally. Unconditional love is how we offer love to others without counting the cost or return, which is how we also serve those in need. A lesson from my Bible reading came to mind, about how we are to serve those in need. Matthew 6:1-34 ESV “Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. “Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. Was my husband needy? Maybe not in the traditional sense, but what if his poor attitude was because I was hurting him or not fulfilling his needs? Through the lens of God’s grace, I suddenly saw my husband weighed down with pain, war, loss, frustration, disrespect, exhaustion, like black chains dragging him down into despair. I realized I had been treating him as if he were deliberately interfering in my happiness and trying to be unkind instead of seeing his pain. As God’s word poured grace and forgiveness into my heart, I began to feel His love, and I started to fill up my husband’s cup out of the overflow of my heart. Once I learned the secret to loving my husband well, I began my secret service. Finally, I felt loved enough to be able to love others. I could serve him secretly, not because I didn’t want him to know, but because I didn’t need him to. Our Father sees what we do in secret. Quietly, I began doing things without his asking, like noticing his toiletries need replacing, making his lunch, preparing his coffee, and even encouraging him to go hunting when his week has been frustrating. Part of learning how to love my husband meant understand the battles he is fighting. The peace and quiet in the woods was how he was dealing with the results of years spent in combat. Loving my husband according to the Bible even meant picking up dirty underwear. One job I would never have considered before surrendering to Christ was picking up my husband’s dirty underwear off the bathroom floor. Every morning – He walks past his closet (where his hamper is) to leave the house, but it never fails that his underwear are on the floor under the edge of the vanity. Previously, I would have ignored them, kicked them, but picked them up – ugh, no thank you. But God was working on me. When God began to show me the selfishness of my own heart and how to love my husband unconditionally, I realized that my reaction to those underwear is what really needed to change. Before, I would have nagged him about being so lazy for leaving them there. My nagging would have become an infection between us. Proverbs 21:9 ESV  It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. I realized how destructive my nagging was when the Holy Spirit brought this verse to mind as I was grumbling to myself over the underwear. So I focused on learning to quit nagging. Then, I would kindly ask him to pick them up, but secretly resented those stupid underwear. God convicted me that asking nicely wasn’t enough. I needed to see those underwear differently. I could have a perfectly organized house or a home that was lived in. So, I began to pick them up with a grateful attitude. “Thank you, Lord, my husband is not in Iraq.” Today, I pray over those underwear. “Lord, thank you for this opportunity to serve my husband, thank you for a marriage that is working, please remind me that all my service is for You ultimately, and is about humility and serving without drawing attention to myself.” I pray over his day. I pray that his body will be enough to face the challenges of whatever he is called to do. Mostly, I pray that his heart will be open to see God in his day. And I pray for him to know I love him, and to bring him home safely. And I choose everyday to thank God for those stupid, blessed, dirty underwear. I am even disappointed when he remembers to put them in the hamper. I have learned how to love my husband more in doing quiet, secret things for him than I ever did by nagging him into doing things for me. When God filled my heart, I stopped being bitter. I started looking for the next thing I could do for him. My focus shifted. I started giving him real attention, listening to his needs. When his work day had been awful, I gave him some grace to find his peace so he could be the daddy and husband he wants to be. If this is so secret, why am I writing about it? It’s humbling and real. And every time I have shared this story with women whether 2 or 100, I’ve seen tears and nods. We all have our own dirty underwear mountain that we need to surrender. So, I share in case another wife needs to hear my story. Nothing changed my marriage more than loving my husband and expecting nothing in return. and Secret service is counter-cultural . . . Our culture asks what’s in it for me? But I was never emptier than when I was counting the cost and measuring his gratitude. I’ve never been more joyful than I’ve been picking up his dirty, thrown up under the cobwebby vanity underwear because I see how God has moved in our marriage and in his heart through my tiny acts of obedience. And sometimes we need reminding that we’re not supposed to blend in. Besides, the underwear was just a start. Once joining the Secret Service, I found so many ways to love my husband and quietly serve people. Those services are treasures I hold like sweet pearls. I’m know my Heavenly Father, from whom nothing is secret, sees my service and growing unconditional love for my husband.

The post Learn How to Love Your Husband: the Key is Secret Service appeared first on Heaven not Harvard.

Learning how to love your husband can be as simple as secret service. It was the key to unlocking my bitter, angry heart and learning to love my husband again, which, in turn, saved our marriage. What I really needed to learn was how to love your husband according to the Bible! We still really loved each other, but something was very broken. My husband was angry all the time. I was bitter. We could barely talk about anything without bickering, so we didn’t. I did my thing. He did his. We slept in the same bed, but we weren’t any kind of team. (keep reading for how dirty underwear brought lasting change to my marriage) By the time we tried to communicate, we were boilers ready to explode, harboring so many hurts and slights. Using every human method to communicate that I knew, we couldn’t find solid. I was desperately trying pop psychology and self-help books. But my marriage was still failing! A year after he returned from his last deployment, I didn’t know if we were going to make it. I was trying so hard to be a “good” wife while he was such a selfish jerk. He didn’t care about how his choices affected me at all. He used the last of the milk, broke my favorite dishes with his carelessness, and left me at home with the stomach flu and a toddler so he could go hunting. If I ever dared to complain, he would shut me out completely or explode with rage. The train wreck of our marriage was hiding so many broken pieces. I didn’t know where to begin to learn how to love my husband again. While I wasn’t ready to leave, I was heartbroken. I didn’t see how I could live the rest of my life with this awful person who hurt me at every turn. Guarding my heart from him, I walked on eggshells whenever we were together. Often, I went to bed aching with loneliness, wishing he would start being what I needed. What a selfish creep .  . I was. Wait, what? Yep, I’d been angry and bitter because I’d been expecting my husband to fill my heart in the places God should be. I was bitter from my selfish, unmet desires. Before I could learn how to love my husband, I had to learn how God loves me. I began seeking God’s answers for my life. At first, when I read about letting God be my portion, it didn’t make sense, but I kept reading my bible and praying about it. Lamentations 3:24 ESV “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Over time, the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to my need for grace, and understanding God’s love for me. It unlocked my heart. A veil lifted. I was able to see other people as loved creations of God struggling with their own sins and hurts. I stopped seeing my husband as someone responsible for filling my heart, but as someone whose heart was so empty, he could barely function. Then, I realized I’d been keeping score for a long time. I won’t do this for him because he didn’t do that for me. Each check mark against him cemented a brick in the wall between us. Even when I had been doing the right things, I’d had the wrong heart. I would hold up my pretty list of all the wonderful chores I had done for him during the day and wait for his gratitude. Most of the time, I got nothing or a mumbled thanks, then I got hurt and more resentful. But God really convicted me, “Are you truly doing things to serve or to get something from him?” My motives weren’t pure. I wanted his love, recognition, respect. I needed to learn how to love my husband unconditionally. Unconditional love is how we offer love to others without counting the cost or return, which is how we also serve those in need. A lesson from my Bible reading came to mind, about how we are to serve those in need. Matthew 6:1-34 ESV “Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. “Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. Was my husband needy? Maybe not in the traditional sense, but what if his poor attitude was because I was hurting him or not fulfilling his needs? Through the lens of God’s grace, I suddenly saw my husband weighed down with pain, war, loss, frustration, disrespect, exhaustion, like black chains dragging him down into despair. I realized I had been treating him as if he were deliberately interfering in my happiness and trying to be unkind instead of seeing his pain. As God’s word poured grace and forgiveness into my heart, I began to feel His love, and I started to fill up my husband’s cup out of the overflow of my heart. Once I learned the secret to loving my husband well, I began my secret service. Finally, I felt loved enough to be able to love others. I could serve him secretly, not because I didn’t want him to know, but because I didn’t need him to. Our Father sees what we do in secret. Quietly, I began doing things without his asking, like noticing his toiletries need replacing, making his lunch, preparing his coffee, and even encouraging him to go hunting when his week has been frustrating. Part of learning how to love my husband meant understand the battles he is fighting. The peace and quiet in the woods was how he was dealing with the results of years spent in combat. Loving my husband according to the Bible even meant picking up dirty underwear. One job I would never have considered before surrendering to Christ was picking up my husband’s dirty underwear off the bathroom floor. Every morning – He walks past his closet (where his hamper is) to leave the house, but it never fails that his underwear are on the floor under the edge of the vanity. Previously, I would have ignored them, kicked them, but picked them up – ugh, no thank you. But God was working on me. When God began to show me the selfishness of my own heart and how to love my husband unconditionally, I realized that my reaction to those underwear is what really needed to change. Before, I would have nagged him about being so lazy for leaving them there. My nagging would have become an infection between us. Proverbs 21:9 ESV  It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. I realized how destructive my nagging was when the Holy Spirit brought this verse to mind as I was grumbling to myself over the underwear. So I focused on learning to quit nagging. Then, I would kindly ask him to pick them up, but secretly resented those stupid underwear. God convicted me that asking nicely wasn’t enough. I needed to see those underwear differently. I could have a perfectly organized house or a home that was lived in. So, I began to pick them up with a grateful attitude. “Thank you, Lord, my husband is not in Iraq.” Today, I pray over those underwear. “Lord, thank you for this opportunity to serve my husband, thank you for a marriage that is working, please remind me that all my service is for You ultimately, and is about humility and serving without drawing attention to myself.” I pray over his day. I pray that his body will be enough to face the challenges of whatever he is called to do. Mostly, I pray that his heart will be open to see God in his day. And I pray for him to know I love him, and to bring him home safely. And I choose everyday to thank God for those stupid, blessed, dirty underwear. I am even disappointed when he remembers to put them in the hamper. I have learned how to love my husband more in doing quiet, secret things for him than I ever did by nagging him into doing things for me. When God filled my heart, I stopped being bitter. I started looking for the next thing I could do for him. My focus shifted. I started giving him real attention, listening to his needs. When his work day had been awful, I gave him some grace to find his peace so he could be the daddy and husband he wants to be. If this is so secret, why am I writing about it? It’s humbling and real. And every time I have shared this story with women whether 2 or 100, I’ve seen tears and nods. We all have our own dirty underwear mountain that we need to surrender. So, I share in case another wife needs to hear my story. Nothing changed my marriage more than loving my husband and expecting nothing in return. and Secret service is counter-cultural . . . Our culture asks what’s in it for me? But I was never emptier than when I was counting the cost and measuring his gratitude. I’ve never been more joyful than I’ve been picking up his dirty, thrown up under the cobwebby vanity underwear because I see how God has moved in our marriage and in his heart through my tiny acts of obedience. And sometimes we need reminding that we’re not supposed to blend in. Besides, the underwear was just a start. Once joining the Secret Service, I found so many ways to love my husband and quietly serve people. Those services are treasures I hold like sweet pearls. I’m know my Heavenly Father, from whom nothing is secret, sees my service and growing unconditional love for my husband.

The post Learning How to Love Your Husband: the Key is Secret Service appeared first on Heaven not Harvard.

Defeating female body image issues meant getting real about the root of those issues. First, separate the facts about female body image issues from the lies. Lie #1 – My life will be better when I fix my body. I would be happier if I were thin. People would like me better if I was skinnier. Having a better body will improve my marriage. I’ll have more self-esteem if I look thin and toned. If my body looked better, I wouldn’t have any issues, right? I was so wrong. Nothing I did to improve my appearance solved any other problems I had in my life. I still had to learn how to be a patient and loving mother. My marriage still requires daily effort and spiritual discipline. Joy didn’t come from the numbers on the scale or the size of my pants. I only found real, permanent joy from growing in my walk with Christ, even when I lost weight. Furthermore, when my self-confidence was hog-tied to my body image, I never felt confident because there was always something new to fix. Lie #2 You can reach perfect if you just try hard enough. Of course, when I did lose weight, I noticed the stretch marks from the extra weight or the wrinkles in my face became more prominent. Every step toward my ideal body brought up new body image issues to worry about: varicose veins, chin hair, visible scars. I was never going to get to this plateau of perfection. But that didn’t stop me from believing I was supposed to. ** Compared to Who? Kindle Version is FREE this weekend May 9-12, 2020!!! ** Striving for perfection is body idolatry. The push for perfection made my ideas about my body image an idol. I did things like walk for two hours everyday, skip meals, and start marathon running despite major joint pain because I felt compelled to reach this place of good enough physical perfection. I’m ashamed of how body image has affected my life. I’ve cancelled plans or been too embarrassed to go places because I don’t have clothes to cover my problem areas. Because of my appearance, I’ve felt like a failure as a person. My issues even spilled over into my nutrition. I skipped too many meals and didn’t eat nutritious food in proper proportions. I tried every diet and exercise plan, but none could change how I felt inside my own heart. My body image issues were so ingrained I couldn’t separate my worth as a person from my imperfections. I didn’t realize that I had bought so many cultural lies about my worth from the worldly culture. Cutting God out of the equation was treating this as a physical problem, when it’s a spiritual one. I didn’t even realize I was working on the wrong AREA of my life! I was spinning my wheels, racing against the clock, to achieve something that has no eternal value. We are spirits housed in temporary bodies that start to decay from the moment we are born. Plus, we don’t even start in perfect bodies. (I certainly didn’t!) And living well means we are USING our bodies. We get sunburns and scars and stretch marks because we are LIVING. We should take care of them, but building our confidence, worth, or identity on our bodies is like building a house on shifting sand. Matthew 7:24-27 ESV “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” Building my confidence on anything other than the rock of Christ was a recipe for disaster. I cried so many tears wishing I could just be normal. Lie #3 Normal women don’t have body image issues The joke was on me! I am normal – like the 91% of women who also struggle with body image issues. (Can we be real – who are the other 9%??) 1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. Feeling dissatisfied with our bodies is normal. But God can help us defeat our temptations to allow sins, like pride and vanity, overcome us. Reading Compared to Who? helped me see the spiritual aspect to my body image issues. I’d been on a journey to let go of my body image issues for the last few years, but Heather Creekmore’s Compared to Who?  helped free me in a way I didn’t expect. At first, I didn’t want to read Compared to Who?  I was so sure this was just another DIET book, full of the same old platitudes: God only cares about your heart. It’s the inside that matters. Outward Beauty is only skin deep. Real beauty comes from being Christ-like. UGH! While those are true statements, they only help so much unless you deal with the real issue. Because deep down, while I know God loves me and values me for the inside, I want other people to think I’m wonderful, too. There’s the real issue-Pride.  Despite my resistance, God was working on my body image issues and wasn’t going to leave me alone. I kept seeing this book everywhere. Clearly, God wanted me to read Compared to Who?. ** Compared to Who? Kindle Version is FREE this weekend May 9-12, 2020!!! ** When my copy arrived, I was hesitant but after a few pages, Heather’s humor and compassionate honesty captured my attention. I was hooked! She confessed all thoughts I’ve secretly thought: every silent smug vanity, the catty comparisons, my shame when I didn’t match up, believing I just needed to have enough self-esteem to accept myself the way I am. So much of her story related to mine! And I knew she understood. So when she asked me to rethink everything I’ve ever thought about vanity and body image, I was willing. What’s more, Compared to Who? showed me how I’ve been missing the heart aspect of my body image issues. I would recommend this book to anyone struggling with body image issues or vanity. Even though it mostly pertains to women, Heather speaks to the heart of the matter, our sinful nature. Defeating female body image issues didn’t involve a diet plan, but understanding God’s plan. I needed to spend time in God’s word, learning who He is and my purpose in this world. God created me to be uniquely me. I am the only person with my talents, interests, abilities, flaws, and appearance who can fulfill the roles God has created for me to fill in this world. The people I can reach and love because of who I am is part of God’s plan and purpose for me. God knew which people my personality would attract, which people would love my heart and see my passion for Him, and which would need my friendship and unique perspective. He knew which child would need me to mother her because of my unique skills, experiences, and flaws. Because I struggle with anxiety, I have learned a lot about walking in faith through those things. And I can walk through them with her and with the other women who are in my life. Bible Verses about Body Image and beauty – Some of the verses that helped me recognize the sins of pride and vanity that were holding me back from serving God fully. Ezekiel 28:17 ESV  Your heart was proud because of your beauty; you corrupted your wisdom for the sake of your splendor. I cast you to the ground; I exposed you before kings, to feast their eyes on you. And verses that helped me embrace the imperfect creature I am, serving a perfect God in His perfect plan. Ephesians 2:10 ESV  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Psalm 139:14 ESV  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 1 Peter 3:3-4 ESV  Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 2 Corinthians 4:16 ESV  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. Isaiah 62:3 ESV  You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God. Proverbs 31:10 ESV  An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. Isaiah 61:3 ESV  To grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. Psalm 34:5 ESV  Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. When I was able to embrace the beauty God created in me for His purposes, I finally defeated my female body image issues. I felt free to look how I look and not care what people think because anyone seeking the gospel message and the freedom I’ve found in Christ will see the radiance of Christ in me. Anyone who cares about how I look or dress, might need to see a woman who is joyful no matter her size because of Christ. In fact, the more judgmental a person is, the more she is likely to be struggling with the same lies I was. Additionally, I was able to stop comparing myself to others and enjoy their unique gifts and talents instead of fighting my own jealousy. Letting go of comparisons allowed me to love others more deeply without secretly wishing for their looks, gifts, lives. By living in freedom, I can encourage more women of faith to defeat their female body image issues and find true peace in Christ, which is a much greater reward than a perfect body ever would be.

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I’d love to share some encouragement for new moms that I’ve learned along the way because we all feel a little alone as moms sometimes. Motherhood can be overwhelming and isolating. But we don’t have to feel like we’re the only ones in our situation. We’re not all in the same boat, but we’re all in the same storm. I’ve heard that said many times about the current virus situation, but it’s so true about parenting. And I want you to know you’re not alone. My biggest encouragement for new moms is that no one is totally prepared for parenting. You’re not doing it wrong (at least not any more than anyone else!). No one is completely ready for this. Waiting more than a decade to be a mother, I studied child development and read What to Expect the First Year (since we were adopting) and a plethora of parenting books. I had helped raised stepchildren. But nothing prepared me for what the 24/7ness of motherhood would really be like. I wasn’t fully prepared for the joys or the struggles. Nothing prepared me for how hard parenting/working/living with sleep deprivation would be. Nor can your imagination quite conjure the emotions you’ll feel the first time you hear Mom. I still can’t quite wrap my head around how much I love this little person. No amount of talking to friends, reading blogs, researching parenting sites fully prepared me to be this child’s mom. Have you ever described an amazing meal in painstaking detail to a friend? No matter how detailed your description, your friend still didn’t have the exact experience you did. And when she went to the restaurant to try the same dish, an ingredient might have been added, a different chef might have made the sauce, or the chicken stayed on the heat too long. It’s not quite the same. Parenting is a little like that. You have to experience it for yourself because becoming a parent is a new experience unique to each child and parent. Being a first time mom is scary, exciting, and overwhelming for everyone. You can’t be fully prepared. And that’s okay. Some encouragement for new moms is that we’re all learning as we go! We all wind up surprised by something in parenting. Sometimes it’s the funny things like how early you have to have a talk with your children about staying dressed in the living room picture window or having to break up an argument over whose pretend super powers are better. But sometimes it’s the awful stuff like how hard it is to have a baby in the NICU or struggling with postpartum depression. Sometimes, the hard is just a toddler teething with molars; a four year old who still needs to get potty trained; a ten year old who has learned to talk back; a teenager in the throes of puberty. I found that as soon as I had a handle on each new stage, she grew and changed again! Being surprised and a little unprepared is normal. The best encouragement for new moms is to remember God is not surprised. He walks with you through it all. Lean on Him when the surprises shake you to the core. His wisdom and peace are the foundation for life, and parenting. Parenting will throw you for a loop all the time. Try to enjoy the ride, knowing that God has the final say over it all. Every time I’m tempted to worry, I remember that God loves our children more than we do. He does not want to lose a single one. 2 Peter 3:9 ESV  The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. God is patient with us, and He will pursue your child with a relentless love. Additionally, you’re going to make mistakes. I was so afraid I was going to mess up my kid. And my dad, who was a family counselor assured me that I would. I was like . . . wait, what? Of course you’re going to screw up your child. You’re not perfect. God is a perfect parent and look at us! Some of your mistakes are going to hurt your child, but the good news is that those cracks are where they will need God. The older my child gets the more I see ways I’ve failed her. I hear the harsh tone in her voice that echoes my struggles with anger and frustration. While I do better, now that God’s been working on me for a decade, I don’t get a do-over. She has the mother who got it wrong a lot of days. I wasn’t always the peaceful parent I wanted to be. Yet, it is in those hurt places I get to show her what it looks like to ask for forgiveness. I get to try again tomorrow. I get to demonstrate how gracious God is to forgive us and how tremendously He loves us, even when we sin. Our brokenness is just as powerful of a bridge for our children as it is for the women in our lives. We have to lead them to God’s grace by showing how much we need it too. And through those less than perfect moments we teach our children conflict resolution, communication, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Learning these delicate skills is vitally important for having healthy relationships as adults. Even in our failures, God can help us use them for the good of our children. Romans 8:28 ESV  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. If we raise our children to love God, He will use all things for their good, even our mistakes. A Couple of Tips for Parents to Be Let go of your expectations. The biggest problem with having expectations is that they tend to cause us to put too much pressure on ourselves and our families. Pinterest perfect recipes, homes, and birthday parties are not an everyday reality. Most days keeping the kids alive and fed and tackling any housework is total victory. So read the books. Organize your home. Decorate the nursery. Put your birth plan in the binder, but be flexible. Let go of these expectations and just be prepared to enjoy the ride for what it is. Secondly, Love The Kids You Have. One of the most damaging expectations is the one we place on our children. From the minute we are expecting a child, whether biological or adopted, we start to imagine who they will be. But our kids didn’t get the memo. Turns out kids come with their own personalities! Who knew? Of course, we know that, but we risk not seeing them for who they are when we superimpose our expectations over reality. Personally, I didn’t think my daughter would struggle with learning disabilities or ADHD. Subconsciously, I expected her to be something of a blank slate (thanks liberal philosophy class), but she wasn’t. From day one, she was her own person. I can guide her and disciple her, but she is the unique person God created her to be. Even if that is completely different than I had hoped. And you’re one of a kind too! God gave you those unique children because of the gifts and talents He’s given you. It’s okay not to be “every”mom and just be their mom. The things I face and the way I face them is exactly how God planned my life. Ephesians 2:10 ESV For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. God has a plan. God knew everything that would happen in your life and the life of your child. If you have a child who has significant special needs or has some unique challenges that really alter your imaginary plan, you might need to grieve that loss. Sometimes letting go of the way we hoped things would be is the absolute hardest part of parenting. But take heart, God LOVES underdogs. Moses was a murderer who stuttered; David was an insignificant shepherd. Paul was a legalistic pharisee who persecuted Christians. And God used their weaknesses to demonstrate His power and majesty. The exact things that make your life hard or different are the things God may be using to sanctify you and reveal His power in your life to those around you. 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. God’s power and glory will show up when you live surrendered to Him. My last bit of encouragement for new moms is “this too, shall pass.” No part of parenting lasts forever. Each season has it’s own trials and triumphs and joys. Don’t miss them wishing for the next or last season. If you’re in a hard stage (teething, threenager, puberty) look for the best parts. Savor the sweet moments when they come. Each part of childhood gives us new exciting ways to experience our children and new parenting challenges. I love each new stage because of the way our relationship grows, but somehow, I thought she would be a baby so much longer. Be in the moment as much as possible. How to be a Godly Mother and Wife I could write entire books on these subjects, but I’ll share a few places to start. Being a Godly wife and mother has to start with knowing who God is. We can’t hope to imitate what we don’t know. Even in the crushing days of parenting, find ways to be in your Bible, seeking the Lord’s wisdom. While I love my physical Bible, using a Bible app can be much more convenient. I use a bluetooth earbud to be able to listen to my Bible while doing other things. You might also enjoy – How to talk with your kids about Jesus (so they’ll listen!) I did this so often that when she was about 3, she saw a woman with a bluetooth earbud while we were out one day and said, “Look, Mama, she must be listening to Jesus, too!”  Listening to Jesus makes it easier for me to enjoy household chores because my brain is engaged. Also, quiet, one handed scrolling is much easier on a phone while nursing or rocking a baby in the middle of the night. I’ve grown the most from reading the Bible straight through each year, without much commentary. I’ve just let the Holy Spirit instruct and guide me deeper and deeper still. Just today, I noticed fresh the places in Isaiah that he predicts the Teacher who will show the Jews The Way they should walk. When Jesus said, “I am THE WAY, the truth, and the life,” the Jews would have known He referred to the Isaiah 35 passage. Everyday I open His word, I am astounded at the depths I discover in the Bible. Being in God’s word will help you see God’s will for your life and family in so many ways. A few more encouraging Bible Verses for Parents We all know the proverb about training a child in the way that he should go, and that is a wonderfully wise principle. But the Bible has so much wisdom that applies to our role as parents. Titus 2:7 ESV  Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, Matthew 5:16 ESV  In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. How you raise your children can be a light within your...

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