Avianna Lemonier's Blog

10/16: I’ve been taking Claritin for about ten days now. My cycle was scheduled to come on the 13th but it hasn’t yet – it’s the 16th as I’m writing this. It’s not that unusual, though, for my cycle to come later than expected (by a day or so) but this is starting to get a bit weird – no, I am not pregnant. But I have been experiencing cramps and all the usual things that happen when my menstrual cycle arrives. I feel like those symptoms weren’t reduced at all with the Claritin. I wonder if the Claritin is what delayed my cycle?

I seem to have caught some kind of flu and I’ve been sick this week so that could also be delaying it.

We’ll see what happens!

Update 10/19: My cycle finally came six days later. I forgot to take the Claritin this morning and I’m wondering if that’s why.

Update 10/22: I’ve been wondering if my cycle will be shorter or longer than usual because of the Claritin but it seems to be going at its normal length. Once again, the usual symptoms that I have during my cycle don’t seem to be weakened by my taking the Claritin from what I can tell. There is a difference between the symptoms I experience in the time period before my cycle comes and what I experience once it actually comes. Like others who have PMDD, the worst usually happens before it comes. It’s a little bit of a bummer that the Claritin hasn’t eased this part of my menstrual cycle but I’m not that bothered by it. Maybe some of these symptoms would be reduced if I had started taking it earlier at the start of ovulation as someone suggested. I’m going to post this soon and then hopefully remember to do an update after my cycle is over!

*I also want to add that while I’m so grateful to have found something that alleviates my symptoms, there are other important things that also help with easing PMDD symptoms like making necessary dietary changes (for me, that involves avoiding foods that I already know I have a sensitivity to like things that include gluten, dairy and soy – because I have a sensitivity to those things already outside of PMDD, eating them on or around my cycle makes symptoms so much worse), staying hydrated and managing stress and monitoring my emotions (I’m so thankful to be able to lean on Christ through this and any other problems I face in my life. God makes the difference for me when it comes to any emotional intensity I experience due to PMDD. Yes, I still experience the depression, sensitivity, rage, etc. but God gets me through those moments and also has made it easier for me to recognize when an emotion is occuring as a result of the PMDD and is not in alignment with how I actually feel about something or someone. Regarding emotions, I also want to say that I have noticed that for me, some of those intense emotions I feel around my cycle are not always unfounded. Sometimes, those emotions are things that I already feel toward a particular situation/person but they’re just more intense and feel overwhelming around the time of my menstrual cycle. This indicates that some of these emotions and sentiments are things that do actually need to be addressed outside of the PMDD. Again, being able to take things like that to Christ is a gift that I do not take for granted.)

After five days of taking Claritin for #PMDD (my cycle is scheduled to come tomorrow), I can say that it really has helped me! By now, I would have probably been struggling with so much fatigue, bloating and discomfort that I would have had to stop everything that needed to be done and lay down for a day or two but I’ve been able to get things done and continue on with my normal routine. There are things I’ve been able to do in the past week that I just know I would have struggled with without the Claritin.

I have experienced a little of the usual symptoms but it’s not as debilitating as it usually is. Next time, I’ll start taking the Claritin earlier as someone suggested.

Crying over things that I usually don’t cry about (which is saying something because there’s not much that I don’t cry about) and I’m gonna go ahead and take that as a signal that the PMDD is hitting! First time trying Claritin for it, let’s see how it goes!

Claritin really didn’t seem to help me with my pollen allergies so I’m curious to see how it will react with the PMDD symptoms. I don’t want to take it every single day though, I’d prefer to take it as needed. We’ll just see how this goes!

Edit: I took the Claritin a few hours ago now and I still feel a little emotional. But I want to say that it’s not as bad as it could be. Someone suggested next time starting it around the day of expected ovulation.

Once, when I was in seventh grade, I was sitting in Language Arts class while my classmates and I completed a project that we had been assigned to do. For this project, we had to use magazines.

A variety of magazines had been brought into class (by who, I can’t remember) and among them was a publication that centered on the African-American community – something like Ebony. On the cover of this particular magazine was a black actress who I had grown up watching on television. I loved this actress and really looked up to her.

When I saw that this magazine had been brought in for us to use, I immediately became nervous because I just knew that someone in the class was going to make a racist comment about it – such was the environment of the school that I was attending at that time.

This school was predominantly Hispanic with a small population of black students (especially back then) and I was one of only two black students in that specific class. The other student sat in a different section of the room than I did.

The classroom structure was divided into three groups of tables. At mine, I had been assigned a seat next to someone who, for whatever reason there was, seemed to immediately dislike me upon my being chosen to sit next to her even though I had never interacted with her before. My painful history with this person would, unfortunately, go on to extend beyond my time sitting next to her in that class and even continues today. She was Hispanic.

As I stared in fear at the aforementioned magazine, this classmate suddenly snatched it off the table it was sitting on. As she held it in the air, she began questioning loudly with an awful smile on her face, “Is this a man? This has to be a man”. She then began showing the magazine to everyone else at the table to get their opinion – everyone but me. Many of them agreed with her, laughing as they did so.

I honestly struggle to remember exactly what happened next but I believe I just sat there in silence.

One of the most common insults that people like to hurl at Michelle Obama is the statement that she looks like man – or that she is secretly a man. This insult is one that I have even seen professing Christians who disagree with the Obamas politically sling their way and that really upsets me.

I do not agree with everything that the Obamas stand for politically. On paper, I am an Independent. Because of my Christian faith, I lean conservative but there are many issues that I do not trust the Republican party with – I don’t even trust them to steer this country toward Christ because they actually often don’t. All things considered, my faith will never be put in fallible man (who keeps showing his fallibility every single second and every single day) in any way, shape or form.

Side note: I actually don’t trust politicians at all (all except one who works in the city that I live in now and he is absolutely amazing). If you ask me, they’re all secretly friends and the political games our society is often subjected to are nothing more than a show to keep us distracted. Yeah, I’m one of those people.

But back to what I was writing before: while I do not agree with the Obamas on certain things politically (and there are certain decisions that I wish Barack Obama had not made), I appreciate him as the first black man to become president of the United States. I also acknowledge that a good chunk of the opposition he has received has not been due to people simply disagreeing with him politically in spite of what many may say – it is due to the color of his skin.

Every single time, I hear or read about people calling Michelle Obama a man (and this affects me so deeply because of how frequently this jibe is used even now when Barack Obama has not been president for some time), I am taken back to that Language Arts class in seventh grade. I am taken back to every moment in my life where the beauty of the black woman (who GOD created by the way – the same God Who many of the people who insult black women claim to know) has been attacked.

I am now certain of something that I was not certain of back then in that classroom in seventh grade – THAT BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL and if you have a problem with Black, then you need to take that up with God because He is the One Who created it.

That actress who was on the cover of that magazine is beautiful.

Michelle Obama is beautiful.

I am beautiful.

You better find out.

Since 2022, I have been in graduate school working toward a Master’s degree in Religion with a focus on Theology. Studying this has been a dream come true. After all the confusion and wrong choices, I know I am now right where I belong.

But I haven’t always understood where God is taking me as I pursue this degree – and I still don’t in many ways. Truthfully, I don’t feel that I have been very supported in my pursuit of it and that has made continuing to move forward hard at times. Sadly, most of the unsupportive behavior and pushback that I have dealt with in the midst of getting this degree has come from people who are professing Christians.

Although I would have liked to have a job while being in school, I kept getting redirected away from doing that and that has often frustrated me. I know for a fact that the devil does not want me to get this degree – his attacks always intensify every time a new semester starts.

But God is opening doors and making ways. He has put some of the sweetest people in my path to push me forward. My professors have been extremely kind and patient. Staff at the school I’m at have been so wonderful. The prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ have been invaluable throughout this journey.

Step by step, God has pushed me forward in spite of the difficulties, obstacles and darts that have come along. I am now nearing the end of getting this degree (Lordwilling) and I don’t know what the future holds for me. But I know that because God has chosen this path for me, it’s going to be perfect.

I can already see how perfect it is even now when I still have questions.

I know that wanting anything other than what He has planned for me is ridiculous – and I only want what He has planned for me. Because what He has for me is going to allow me to truly be used for His glory (and what is the point of calling oneself a Christian but not being willing to be used for God’s glory?), fit perfectly and be so satisfying.

In my last year of high school before I switched to attending virtual school full time, I was called into the counselor’s office after confiding in a teacher that I was struggling with self-harm and suicidal tendencies in part due to the unhealthy environment of the school that I was attending at the time. As he sought to comfort me, he told me, among other things, that I needed to be honest with the people in my life about what I was struggling with.

So, based on what I remember, he told the school counselor (I think maybe she was just the counselor for my grade) what I had told him and my mom was called to the school.

I don’t remember much of the counselor’s response to all these things aside from her stressing to my mother that the school had deemed it mandatory for me to be taken to a therapist, I believe, due to the fact that I was harming myself. One thing I do remember is her, at some point, making the comment to me (in front of my mother) that, in summary, “Sometimes things aren’t always the way we remember them”. This was said in relation to the things I had stated were affecting my mental health so negatively. Among these were the constant racism and bullying I was experiencing at this school.

Whatever her reason for making that statement, it felt (and was) deeply invalidating. But…you know what? As I’ve grown older, I’ve found that she was right. Sometimes things aren’t always the way we remember them. Sometimes…they’re actually worse. As I have gotten older and grown more and as much of the pollution that clouded my life and the relationships in it for so long has cleared, I have started to remember so much more about that time in my life along with other periods of my life.

What I spoke with that teacher about wasn’t even half of what I was subjected to at that terrible, TERRIBLE school. But I remember it now. And these things I never want to forget again.

Living in Tallahassee has helped heal so much trauma from the horrendous racism and prejudice I experienced growing up in Miami. No place is perfect and racism will never be completely eradicated until Christ returns and evil is permanently defeated. But the diversity and community that I’ve experienced here has been beautiful.

The truth about narcissistic abuse is that this is not a flesh and blood battle. It is demonic in nature.

There are many people who have been mistakenly led to believe that they are a narcissist (in terms of narcissistic abuse) when they actually are not. If you have the capacity to question whether or not you are a narcissist, then you aren’t one. Real narcissists do not have the ability to authentically self-reflect although they may present themselves as being able to do so if they have a reason to.

Additionally, it must be noted that given mankind’s fallen and sinful state, narcissism (apart from narcissistic abuse – for example, engaging in self-centered behavior, having a self-centered mindset, etc.) is something that everyone struggles with.

Narcissistic abuse is rooted in demonic forces. The extreme levels of evil that narcissists are able to accomplish (and hide), the people who incomprehensibly flock to them and do their bidding, the fact that people from all across the world (different regions, cultures and even religions) have identical experiences with narcissistic abuse – when we exchange stories it’s like we’re talking about the same exact person in different bodies, their inner circle which is usually made up of people just like them, the way they always seem to get exactly what they want, their disturbing and unhealthy behaviors, people randomly turning on you for no clear reason, even the narcissists’ ability to easily find and replace supply – it is all upheld by demonic forces.

I have witnessed an extremely potent evil from the narcissists in my life who have abused me. I’ve had creepy experiences that felt straight out of a horror movie. I’ve seen them have visceral reactions to Jesus (the real Jesus not the fake Jesus that is found in false teachings) and Christian faith even though many of them publicly profess that they are Christian. Never mind the way that they have worked overtime to try to pull me away from God.

The fact of the matter is that when a narcissist targets you, it is not another human being targeting you – it is a demonic entity that is using that human being as a vessel. The people who help the narcissist stalk, bully and harass you do so because they themselves are also deeply under Satan’s grasp and influence.

Does all this mean that the narcissist is not responsible for their abuse? No. Does it mean that the narcissist and their flying monkeys should not be held accountable for their behavior? No. Does this mean that someone being targeted by a narcissist is not justified in taking measures to protect themselves from them? No.

Does this mean that someone being targeted by a narcissist should remain in the relationship/environment in hopes of somehow helping that person toward change/freedom? No. The likelihood of a full-blown narcissist changing is extremely low. It is possible for a narcissistic person (like someone who is not an outright narcissist but who has narcissistic traits/behaviors) to change – I, myself, was once narcissistic and very toxic in the relationships in my life but God set me free – but even that is not always a guarantee (and probably a very low possibility) and it is usually in the target’s best and safest interest to indefinitely distance themselves from everyone taking part in the abuse unless someone shows real signs of understanding their wrongdoings and living a different life – and again, while that can happen, it’s a low possibility.

We must pray for the salvation and deliverance of narcissists and those who assist them in their abuse understanding who is really behind their behavior. But we must also wisely recognize the danger and distance ourselves for our safety.

This is a broken world. But Christ reigns and He has power over Satan and demons.

The obsession that narcissists have with their targets is mind boggling to me. There are people who I have not spoken to in years (and will likely never speak to again) who have consistently remained obsessively fixated on trying to harm me during that entire period of time.

I am forgetting so much of my life before I moved to Tallahassee, FL – and to be honest, given some of the memories that I have of my hometown and my life before living here permanently, I’m very happy to forget. If I walked past some of these people on the street, I would not even know I was looking at them. That is how much I have forgotten.

But they continue to remain fixated on me – repeating the same old tactics and trying to use the same old narratives to cause damage even though I am moving on with my life and their attacks are making little to no progress. Although there is a high level of ridiculousness to all this, that obsession scares me. It genuinely makes me fear for my life.

Edit: Also, the #1 thing that has been most attacked in all this is my faith in Christ – from attacking the genuineness of my confession to persecuting me for being obedient to God to even trying to stop me from going to church. Hmmm…I wonder why!

Edit #2: I have spent my entire life so far trying to get away from these people.

“Joseph is a fruitful vine,
    a fruitful vine near a spring,
    whose branches climb over a wall.
With bitterness archers attacked him;
    they shot at him with hostility.
But his bow remained steady,
    his strong arms stayed limber,
because of the hand of the Mighty One of Jacob,
    because of the Shepherd, the Rock of Israel,
because of your father’s God, who helps you,
    because of the Almighty, who blesses you
with blessings of the skies above,
    blessings of the deep springs below,
    blessings of the breast and womb.
Your father’s blessings are greater
    than the blessings of the ancient mountains,
    than the bounty of the age-old hills.
Let all these rest on the head of Joseph,
    on the brow of the prince among his brothers.