Lola R. Opeyemi's Blog

I wrote Secrets in the Walls as courage for broken people.

I know I’m not always surrounded by brokenness, but I’ve seen it, I’ve felt it, and I know how heavy it can be. Whatever your struggles are, I want you to know this: I see you. I hear you. You are not alone.

You are not defined by your struggles, by your pain, or by the shadows in your past. There is hope—for healing, for finding love, for finding people you can trust.

I know that finding love can be really tough for people who have grown up in brokenness and your heart is calcified, and it feels like you will never get through and there will never be sunshine. I want you to know that there is hope.

I wrote this book because the story of foster care speaks deeply to me. There are so many children growing up in brokenness, carrying wounds into adulthood, and the cycle just keeps repeating. The Secrets in the Walls follows Manoah, a boy raised in that world of fracture and survival. And yet, in the middle of all that brokenness, he discovers love—in Ophelia Mayberry, the girl next door. I’m not saying that this is the solution but I wanted to show that if someone grows up in an environment where they are loved and they are seen, that’s what creates this totality of wholesomeness.

Ophelia isn’t perfect. She’s prickly, sharp-edged. She comes from a family with its own flaws—a racist mother, a father who works a lot but HE IS present. So, she is loved. And because she is loved, she carries a kind of wholeness, a resilience. And that resilience met with Manoah’s open-hearted and forgiving nature, is just a explosive mixture that can lead to hope and that’s what I love about this book.

I think if you feel broken, that can be the answer where you look for wholeness in people or wholeness in areas that you feel broken in. I know we’re inherently drawn to people who share our pain, who are broken too but actually this is just perpetrates the cycle. If you look for wholesomeness, copy people who are that thing you’re after, that can lead to freedom, that can break the chain, and can release you from that cycle of brokenness.

That’s why I wrote this book, as a beacon of hope and light into your hearts.

There’s a Japanese art form called kintsugi—the practice of repairing broken pottery with Japanese lacquer dusted with powdered gold. The cracks don’t disappear; they are filled, illuminated, and made beautiful. The vessel becomes stronger, more valuable than before.

That’s what I believe about broken people. You may carry scars, but you are not beyond repair. You can be made whole again. And in that wholeness, there is light.

You can find my book here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0DYHPDF3R

I’ve just finished reading Everything I never told you by Celeste Ng (spoilers ahead).

It sat under my skin for a bit and those are the best books.

I find that this book answers the following “What If” questions:

It draws a line from those unceilinged expectations of immigrant parents to...

What if their expectations are so high, it kills the child?

What if the child tries to rise to meet those expectations?

I've had my own Lydia moments. I’m surprised Lydia expired at age 16. I tried to carry on those expections well into my adulthood and it was only a few years ago that I consciously let go of it.

My expectations of myself had also become so high that I kept letting myself down before each day even began.

Then, I looked inside myself and realised I wasn’t the type of person who didn’t do enough. If it looked like it wasn’t enough from the outside, that was ok with me because deep inside I knew I was doing enough.

And this is the conversation every immigrant child has to have at some point with themselves.

In Lydia, we see her try to meet those expectations and eventually it kills her.

In Nath, he responds by running away to university.

In Hannah, the youngest, we see her disappear into herself.

Luckily, when I stopped trying to meet my parents’ expectations of myself, I didn’t feel like they stopped loving me. It taught me instead about their unconditional love.

I hope you have the courage today to stop. If you feel like this, just stop and look inside yourself. What or who do I want to be? Who do I want to look back at as my older self and be proud of?

Those were the things I choose to do.

Celeste Ng
Everything I Never Told You

Why 11? Yes, it is an odd number and sure 10 would be easier, but these are the 11 definitive ways you can build confidence.
Can you think of any others?
1. Spend time doing things you're naturally good at. Everybody has one. Don't take those things for granted. E.g picking a good outfit, baking, writing a song out of nowhere, running, looking on the positive side.
2. When people give you compliments about your talents, believe them. Especially if you've heard it more than once. If you don't believe it, write it down and explore why. If you're able to come up with good reasons why not, then discard said compliment.
3. Spend time with that one friend who you always walk away from thinking, "Why don't I hang out with him/her more?"
4. Do things for others, even small things. Help out a stranger with directions or their luggage.
5. Exercise. If nothing else, it will build your posture.
6. Push through difficult situations. Discuss things with a passive–aggressive person. Ask for a promotion or a raise at work. Even if you don’t get the raise, it will build your confidence to ask or to confront that difficult situation.
7. Be open and honest about failures especially when things happen that have just knocked your confidence.
8. Spend time finding out your talents. Write them down. That way you don't compare yourself to others, which can knock your confidence. When your confidence is low, go over your list and use it to remind yourself that you're not worthless.
9. Watch your self-talk. Use your list in number 8 above.
10. Work on your weaknesses. Do you wish you were a better driver? Practice more. Practice it over and over and over again.
11. Ask for help. It builds confidence.