Lori Epting's Blog

Have you ever told someone they hurt your feelings and they responded with, “That wasn’t my intention”? If you have, you know how hollow and unsatisfying that apology feels. Unless you believe the person intended to hurt you, those words are practically useless.

This post is all about a simple, powerful relationship skill I call Intent vs. Impact. It can change the way you argue, repair, and connect with the people you care about.

Understanding Intent vs. Impact

Arguments between couples often feel exhausting and unresolved. When you spend all your energy explaining your intention—what you meant to do or say—you completely miss the impact of your actions on your partner. Arguing about your intent does nothing to help the situation; it only causes more damage.

Let’s look at an example of an argument focused on intent:

Sam: Why did you say that? Mel: Say what? Sam: The story you just told our friends about me. It made me look bad! Mel: No, it didn’t. It was funny! Sam: I didn’t like it. I don’t like when you tell stories that make me look bad. Mel: Sorry, it wasn’t my intention to make you look bad. Come on, it was funny. Sam: It didn’t feel funny to me. It felt mean and embarrassing. Mel: You’re taking it wrong. Sam: I am not taking it wrong. Mel: Yes, you are! I didn’t mean anything mean by it. You’re making it something it’s not. Sam: You wouldn’t like it if I told a story like that about you! Mel: I wouldn’t care. I would think it was funny. Sam: That is not true—you wouldn’t have liked it either. Mel: Agree to disagree on that one. Sam: Sigh. Mel: I didn’t mean for it to be mean. Sam: I didn’t say you meant it to be mean. I said it felt mean. Mel: I think you’re being too sensitive. You care too much what others think—it was just a funny story. Sam: Sigh again.

This argument could go on for pages. I know because I see couples do this all the time. The fight never ends because they are stuck in a loop of intent vs. impact. Mel keeps trying to justify her intent, and Sam keeps trying to get her to understand the impact.

This fight only ends in one of two ways: either with disconnection or when Mel finally acknowledges the impact of her actions and cares for it well.

The Power of Repairing the Impact

We do not repair by arguing about intention. We repair when we care for the impact.

When someone you love tells you something felt hurtful, they are not accusing you of being a malicious person. If they thought you were intentionally trying to hurt them, they likely wouldn’t be in a relationship with you. They are using their precious breath to tell you something felt bad, and they want you to care about their feelings. Arguing about intent does not care for the impact at all.

Think of it this way:

Imagine you’re at the park, napping on a blanket. Someone runs by to catch a football and accidentally tramples on your arm. Ouch! It starts to bleed. Now, imagine that instead of tending to the wound, you and the person argued over whether they meant to run over your arm. All the while, you’re bleeding out.

You: “Ouch! You ran over my arm!” Them: “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to! I was running to get a football.” You: “It’s bleeding and it hurts.” Them: “It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.” You: “Okay, but you did.” Them: “I didn’t even see you there. The sun was in my eyes. I thought it was just a grassy field.”

This is a crazy example, right? This would never happen. As soon as you cried out in pain and held your arm, they would immediately run over and help you. “I’m so sorry,” they would say while tending to your injury. “Where does it hurt? Let me help you get a bandage. We should get you to a doctor.”

We need to treat emotional wounds with the same care. You probably didn’t mean to hurt your friend, partner, or coworker’s feelings. But guess what? You did. The next best step is to care for the hurt. It’s far less exhausting than arguing endlessly about your intent.

How to Repair by Tending to the Impact

This skill has the power to transform your relationships. Healthy couples aren’t experts at predicting what will or won’t cause hurt; they are experts at repairing it.

Let’s revisit the earlier example and see what happens when Mel chooses to tend to the impact instead of defending her intent.

Sam: Why did you say that? Mel: Say what? Sam: The story you just told our friends about me. It made me look bad! Mel: Oh…okay. I didn’t realize that would upset you. Sam: Well, it did. Mel: I’m sorry. I promise I didn’t think it would upset you—I thought you would think it was funny—but I clearly misread that one. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it better? Do you want me to say something to our friends? Sam: No, you don’t need to. Could you just tell funny stories about yourself and not me in the future? Mel: Sure. I’ll make sure if I’m telling an embarrassing story, it’s about me and not you. I’m sorry. I’ll be more mindful in the future. Sam: Thanks.

A quick hug, and they can go back to having a great night with their friends.

See the difference? It takes 15 seconds to tend to the impact well. It can take 30 minutes to argue about intent.

You get to choose your response, and in doing so, you get to choose to improve your relationship.

My daughter got three shots at her recent doctor’s appointment. That morning, she was scared. I asked her before we left if she wanted to bring something for comfort (lollipop, stuffed animal, etc.). She said, “You.” All she wanted for comfort was her mom. When the nurse pulled out the needle, she asked me to sit next to her and hold her hand. She got the shots and said, “That’s it?” We all laughed and the color returned to her face and she smiled for the first time that day.  

Me.  

All she needed was me.

As a therapist, I had been really tempted to give her strategies to manage her anxiety about the shots—help her rate her stress level on a scale of one to ten or teach relaxation breathing techniques. It’s great to have tools to manage stress and anxiety, but I’m always surprised when I remember that the best tool I can give my loved ones is the comfort of my presence. I should know how well this works. I teach it all day long in couples therapy.

Often, my clients don’t believe me that being able to effectively comfort their partner is the most important connection skill. They push back on this idea. They have never considered themselves as part of the solution other than to offer suggestions. They say things like: “I think they need to stop taking things so seriously,” “They should not let other people’s opinions affect them so much,” or “They should just focus on what they can control, you know?” Yes, I think . . . I do know. But you telling them that is about as helpful as handing them a box of rocks. 

Often, we don’t realize that the most comforting thing we can do is just be close when our partners are struggling. Your partner doesn’t need to be told what to do when they are struggling, they just need to know they aren’t alone in their struggles.

Telling someone what to do is keeping them at arm’s length. “I’ll stand over here and judge your problems and offer you logical solutions.” Being with someone in their struggles is different. It’s leaning in with empathy, compassion, care, and love. It feels good. It helps your spouse not feel alone.  

Why Doesn’t Offering Solutions Work? 

If your partner feels distress and needs comfort and you leap in with judgments and suggestions, you have missed the boat. This miss leaves your partner not only feeling the weight of their struggle, but now they also feel judged and weak. Basically, they brought their distress to you for comfort and ended up feeling worse than just handling it on their own—without you. Then, distance is created and disconnection is inevitable.  

I can see the love driving partners when they offer suggestion after suggestion. I get it . . . it’s so hard to see our partners struggling. At best, we want to help. At worst, we want them to feel better because when our partners aren’t struggling, we feel better ourselves.

What To Do Instead

If you aren’t sure how to comfort your partner without rattling off what you think they should do to tend to their struggles, let me help. Here are some ideas that my clients say they actually do find helpful when they are having a tough time.  

Encouragement—“You can do hard things; I believe in you.”Affection—Hugs, tender touches, snuggles.Reassurance—“We will figure this out together; I’m here.”Understanding—“I get why this is so hard.”Validation—“It would be hard for most people.”Empathy—“I feel sad thinking about this too; I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes.”Comfort—“Can I make you a hot tea or rub your shoulders?” Time—Giving your partner non-distracted time to talk about their feelings: “I’m here if you want to talk about it. I’ll listen and take as long as you need.”Expressions of care—“I care you are going through this; I wish I could make it better; I’m thinking about you today.”Expressions of love—“I love you.”Checking in—“I was just calling/texting/stopping in to check on you.” 

If you did not receive this type of comfort as a child, it may be foreign to you to give it. It might be something you need to practice with intention. You will be much better served to learn the relational skill of comfort than to focus one more day on solving your partner’s problems. Save your time and energy. Learn this skill instead. 

This skill helps. It helps partners feel close to each other. It helps partners feel secure in this world. It helps partners not feel alone.  

If this is the type of relationship you want with your partner, then do your part to create it.

Years ago, when I was in my twenties and dating a nice young man, we had an argument. I couldn’t tell you why we were arguing, but I do remember it was over something rather benign. I also remember he got mad, left the room and refused to talk to me. I was shocked.  “Really?” I said. “This is how you handle conflict?” There were other things that led to the rather quick end to that relationship, but this was a pivotal point. How he handled the conflict was more important to me than what the conflict was even about.  

Conflict is a given. How we handle it is the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship. Conflict resolution is a learned skill. Your life and your relationships will improve with this skill; your life and your relationships will be harmed without it. Here are a few tips to help get you on track with doing conflict resolution in a healthy, grown-up way.  

Stay emotionally regulated. You can engage in the conversation without having to shut down or lash out.The number one reason conflict goes sideways is one or both partners are too emotionally flooded to engage in a productive conversation. If this is an area you struggle, prioritize learning mindfulness strategies to help you stay grounded and present.   Use clear, concise statements.  Use short, clear statements to share your thoughts and feelings and to communicate what you see as needed for resolution.The number two reason conflict goes sideways is partners use lots and lots of words to express their thoughts and feelings. When we use a lot of words, partners either feel attacked and fight back/shut down or they get lost in all the words and tune out. If this is an area you struggle, practice in non-heated moments, stating your thoughts and feelings in clear statements. You could even write them down and edit them until they are clear and concise. An example of a clear statement is, “When you come home late without calling me, I feel angry and unimportant. Can we talk about ways to resolve this together?” Use non-blaming statements.  Stay focused on your experience, how it made you feel and what you need differently.The number three reason conflict goes sideways is when partners use blaming statements which results in a defensive response 100 percent of the time.  Here is the difference between a blaming and a non-blaming statement. Blaming: “You only care about your work.” Non-blaming: “When you work long hours and then get back on the computer late at night, I feel sad and frustrated. Can we talk about ways for us to prioritize time together so I don’t lose connection to you?” If this is an area you struggle, practice in non-heated moments stating your feelings and thoughts in non-blaming ways. Use a past example of feeling hurt or angry with your partner and write it down. Edit it until you can clearly see it is not a blaming statement.Shut up and listen. Remember to stop talking and be present in listening to your partner’s point of view.The number four reason conflict goes sideways is that one or both partners have misunderstood the thoughts, feelings, or intentions of the other. These misunderstandings are normal when emotions are heightened. They cannot, however, be sorted out without the ability to stop and listen to make sure you are accurate in what you are hearing your partner say. Often, resolution is difficult because partners misunderstand the needs of the other. If this is your struggle, set a timer to allow each of you to take turns talking and listening. Then, reflect back what you heard and make sure it is correct. ​​Example: “I heard you say that you feel unimportant when I don’t call you when I know I’m going to be late. Is that right?” Choose timing wisely. Do not engage in heated topics at bad times (late at night, early morning if still groggy, on the way out the door, in the middle of a stressful workday, in front of the children or others, on an empty stomach, when drinking alcohol).The number five reason conflict goes sideways is poor conditions. Healthy conflict resolution requires two sober, wise-minded, rested, and fed individuals who have the time and bandwidth to be their best selves. If this is an area you struggle, pick a time of the week that is good for both partners, away from your children or other family members, and try and sort through a topic that has caused repeated issues.  See the difference when conditions are right.Know when to seek counsel.  Recognize when you both need more information to come to resolution.The number six reason conflict goes sideways is when partners present themselves as the expert opinion without being open to influence. Arguing over parenting? Read a parenting book together, listen to a parenting podcast, read a blog, call your most respected parent friend for advice, go see a parenting therapist together, hire a parenting coach, take a parenting class. Arguing over chores? Ask some mutual friends how they divvy up the chores in their home. Read books like Fair Play, by Eve Rodsky, that are chock-full of ideas for partners running a household together. Arguing over money? Go sit together with your financial advisor or a trusted mentor. Sit with a couples therapist who can help you voice your financial goals and values in a productive way. Arguing over sex? Read books like Come As You Are, by Emily Nagowski, or listen to a podcast like “Foreplay Radio” by George Fallon and Laurie Watson. Seek the help of a couples therapist to help you navigate a tricky topic like differing sexual desires. The options of resources are endless. And likely, the particular conflict you are having is a conflict thousands of other couples have had, which means there are lots of experts who can weigh in with good, sound strategies. If this is an area you struggle, decide together that you are a couple open to resources because you don’t have it all figured out. Decide together which types of resources feel safe and trusted, and use them.

I hate that couples who go to couples therapy can get a bad rap. If you hear of a friend or neighbor going to couples therapy, your immediate reaction may be judgmental, like “I guess they have major issues!” I find a lot of times couples keep secret from their friends, family members, and their kids that they are attending therapy. I get it. No one wants to be judged. No one wants their marriage to be seen as flawed, broken, inadequate, failing. So, I’m here to set the record straight. As a marriage counselor, I can speak firsthand to this question: Who goes to couples therapy? And I hope the answer dispels any judgment you may have against your own relationship or someone else’s. I hope the answer gives you permission to seek anything that can have a positive impact on your relationship without fear of judgment.  

Motivated Couples

Motivated couples come to couples therapy. I am consistently impressed with the motivation partners can have to improve their relationships. Couples do the hard work of shifting unhealthy patterns (mostly ones that were passed to them by generations before them) to healthy patterns. These couples refuse to settle for complacency or “good enough” relationships. They want a thriving one. It is inspiring to see how willing partners can be to put time, energy, and money into this part of their lives and then experience the positive impact their efforts can have on their own well-being and that of their family.

Often couples that come to therapy aren’t struggling any more than the next relationship, they are just motivated to grow as a couple and improve their lives.

Humble Couples

It takes humility to say, “We need help.” Humility is one of the most endearing attributes in another human. Think about people in your life that have humility. They don’t boast or brag. They are willing to say “I’m not perfect” and “I have areas in my life I can improve upon.” Those people are admirable. Those people come to couples therapy. Those people are humble enough to say, “Since I know I’m not perfect, I want to grow and change in ways that strengthen my relationships.” 

Couples that come to therapy aren’t struggling any more than the next relationship, they are just humble see their limitations and ask for help. 

Wise Couples

I encourage my couples to let their kids or safe family members know they are in counseling. Why? Because seeking help from healthy places is such a good model.  I love when my clients’ children, siblings, or parents see them going to counseling and learn that 1) getting help is normal; 2) getting help is healthy; 3) getting help is nothing to hide, in fact, it is something to be proud of, even respected. They teach by example, sharing the message that no one has it all figured out and it is absolutely normal and encouraged to seek resources to help.  

Couples that come to therapy aren’t struggling any more than the next relationship, they are just wise enough to use healthy resources to help.

Affected Couples

Researchers understand now, more than ever, how we are impacted by our environment. We understand that experiencing trauma or difficult circumstances in our upbringing can affect us–and our relationships–in the long run. Oftentimes, couples who come to therapy are making courageous efforts to deal with how they have been personally affected by difficult things in their lives. Being affected is normal and expected. Couples who take healthy steps to deal with that impact deserve admiration and respect.  

Couples that come to therapy aren’t struggling any more than the next relationship, they are just brave enough to deal with how they have been understandably affected by some hard situations.

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I am honored to work with such motivated, humble, and wise couples who take such courageous steps—steps that ensure the ways they have been affected by the hardships of life are handled in a way that promotes not only their health and well-being, but that of their family’s and the generations beyond.  

95% of couples come to therapy because of communication problems. When I ask couples in the first session what they need help with, without fail, they tell me they need to communicate better. Often, couples have a hard time explaining to me why their conversations go awry or what they need help with to improve their communication. If I tell you, “You need to communicate better,” does that mean anything to you? 

It is very difficult to improve communication when we don’t know why it’s broken. And since knowledge is power, I want to break this down for you into bite-sized pieces. These are the most important elements of good communication, and in my experience, when these are a struggle for partners, their communication is going to suck.  

So I created a quiz, or more accurately, an assessment to help you find your weak spots. If you can identify where your personal communication deficits are, you can make some intentional efforts at change. Being specific and intentional can help you create huge improvements in your communication with small but focused efforts. Set aside about 20 minutes to walk through this quiz. Print it out, use a highlighter, and take this great step toward improving your relationship this week!

Am I Relationally Skillful? A Communication Self-Assessment

Below are a series of questions. Go through these questions one by one. Take your time.  Reflect on each one. Be honest with yourself. Do not beat yourself up if you feel subpar in some, most, or all of these skills. And most importantly, pick one. Pick one skill below that you want to work on. I don’t care if you are 21 or 81, you can learn new skills. The great thing about relationships is that improving them often is just a matter of learning new skills. We are all capable of that. Which means, we are all capable of relational change and relational success. Hooray!

Empathy

When your partner shares with you, do you respond in empathy? Do you express empathetic statements like, “Gosh that sounds hard,” or “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” Would other people close to you describe you as an empathetic person? If I ask your partner if you are empathetic to their pain and hardships, would they say yes?

Vulnerability 

Is it easy for you to express vulnerability? When you are feeling sad, inadequate, rejected, scared, anxious, unsure of yourself, etc, can you easily communicate those feelings with your partner? Another way to think about this: If I asked your partner if they feel privy to your struggles and worries, would they say yes?

Listening

Are you a good listener? Before you answer that, keep reading. A good listener doesn’t interrupt and try to convince the other person of their opinion, and a good listener doesn’t wait for a break in a conversation so they can express the way they see it. A good listener listens closely with curiosity and delights in learning more about their partner as their partner shares with them. When a partner opens up to a good listener, the partner feels heard and understood. If I asked your partner if they feel heard and understood by you, would they say yes? 

Engagement

Are you an engaged partner? A disengaged partner can have fabulous communication skills, but if they are said from a disengaged place, great communication can mean very little. So, when your partner comes home, do you communicate through your words or a gesture some sort of acknowledgement or delight that they are home? When your partner comes in the room, do they get some sort of recognition from you? When your partner has a hard day, do you communicate your curiosity and care about how they are doing? When your partner has a success, are you first in line to high-five, hug, or congratulate them with excitement? When your partner has a hard meeting coming up, do you call or text them afterward to ask how it went? If I asked your partner if you are engaged in their life, would they say yes? 

Emotional Safety

Are you emotionally safe? When your partner shares something with you, do you respond with empathy, care, love, acceptance, and a curious listening ear? Or do you respond with “The way I see it . . .” “What I think you should do is . . .” or “So-and-so went through that and this is what they did . . .” or do you make it about you? Do you give a dismissive response like “It’s not that big of a deal,” “You are being too dramatic,” or “You are too sensitive”? Do you give a judgmental response such as, “That’s weird,” or “I can’t believe you feel that way or see it that way”? If I asked your partner if they feel accepted by you when they open up to you, would they say yes?

Expressing Hurt

Are you good at expressing hurt? This is a landmark feature of healthy intimate communication.  Can you let your partner know you feel hurt by them without criticizing them or insulting them? Can you let your partner know you feel hurt instead of stuffing it down and stewing in resentment to avoid conflict?

Apology and Repair

Are you a good apologizer? Are you skilled in putting aside your ego and saying “I am genuinely sorry.”  Can you apologize without saying, “But I only did it because you did that” or “You do it too.” Do you apologize hoping it will soothe the hurt you caused your partner and they feel better? Or do you apologize to make the conversation end and hope your partner will drop it already? If I asked your partner if you apologize and help repair the hurts between you, would they say yes?

Approachability 

Are you approachable? Can your partner give you feedback when they are concerned about you, your behavior, or when they feel hurt by you? Can your ego tolerate hearing that your efforts didn’t hit the mark? Can you tolerate your partner feeling disappointed in you? If I asked your partner if they feel comfortable sharing concerns with you, would they say yes?

Comforter

Are you a good comforter? When your partner is scared, sad, or anxious do you respond with effective comfort? Hugs, affirmation, expressions of love, asking what you can do for them or what they need from you? Do you give your partner empathy and care when they are going through a hard thing? If I asked your partner if they feel comforted by you, would they say yes?

Self-Awareness

Are you self-aware? Can you tell when your own experiences, past hardships, or past relationship hurts affect how you behave with your partner? Are you able to see what you bring to the relationship that may be harmful or damaging, or are you only able to see what your partner does wrong? If I asked your partner if you are skilled in seeing your part and not placing all the blame on them for your relational issues, would they say yes?

Emotional Regulation

Are you able to regulate your emotions? If you feel super angry or mad, can you express your anger without blowing up at your partner? Or alternatively, when you feel emotions, do you shut them down quickly and stay neutral or stoic? If I asked your partner if your emotions come out in effective, safe ways, would they say yes? 

Balance

Do you have effective, healthy ways outside of your relationship that you receive comfort? Do you make sure you don’t put all of your emotional needs solely on your partner to support? Do you have friends you confide in and self-care efforts you consistently rely on to bring you good feelings outside of your relationship? Does your partner feel the weight of being your sole support? If I ask your partner if you have healthy support outside of them, would they say yes?

Transparency

Do you do life openly with your partner? You may be an excellent communicator, but if you don’t live a transparent life with your partner, great communication skills won’t cut it. Is your phone, computer, iPad accessible for either of you to use? Do you have each other’s passwords? Do you both have access to finances? Is your spending transparent? Are you transparent about who you spend time with and talk to? If I ask your partner if they feel privy to your life, would they say yes?

Whew! You made it. Now, go back and circle one.  

Which communication skill do you want to be intentional about this week?  

____________________________

How do you want to improve that skill? Practice, read a book on it, listen to a podcast on the subject, read a blog post about it, talk to someone who does this well, or get advice from a mentor/counselor.

____________________________________

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One of the hardest spots partners can be in is stuck. Stuck is the place where a partner feels hopeless the relationship can change but fears leaving the relationship. Stuck is where fear and hopelessness collide.  

While it is a very undesirable position, I think there can be a lot of value in feeling stuck. Sometimes, feeling stuck motivates us to deeply reflect and take the kinds of risks required for personal growth. And while there is value in feeling stuck, no one wants to stay stuck for long.  Let’s talk about why you may feel stuck and how to get unstuck.  

Why You Feel Stuck

There are so many good reasons partners get stuck. 

Good things. Feeling stuck often indicates there are good things in your relationship. Perhaps you created a beautiful family together. Perhaps you still have love and care for your partner despite all of the conflict, disconnection, and pain.  Perhaps you have a friendship, but it is the lack of romance that leaves you feeling hopeless. Perhaps you have a long history together and it’s hard to imagine “throwing it all away.” Sometimes feeling stuck is an indicator that there are things about the relationship—this person, the family, or the life you have created together—that would be incredibly hard to give up.Fear.  Fear is a common emotion when a partner considers ending the marriage. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being alone. Fear of the impact on the children. Fear that you are changing out one set of problems (conflict) for another set of problems (being alone). Fear of feeling incredible grief and loss. These fears are extremely valid. Often, they can keep a partner feeling stuck. Colliding values. Perhaps you value commitment/loyalty/marital vows and you value partnership/connection. If you aren’t getting partnership/connection, do you stay because of your loyalty/commitment? Perhaps you value not exposing your kids to an unhealthy model of marriage, but you also value your kids growing up with both parents in their home. So what to do if they aren’t seeing a healthy model, do you give up your value that they have both parents in their home? Which value “wins”?  

Oftentimes, stuck is a reflection of your admirable values, your valid and very human fears, and your recognition of the good things in your history/life/relationship. Don’t be so hard on yourself for feeling stuck. Reflect on the good in you and your partner, your family, and the life you have built that is making it hard to walk away from, despite lots of pain. With all of that said, you likely don’t want to continue feeling stuck. So read on.

How to Get Unstuck

Dig down deep into your values. You may have gotten some faulty messages along the way about what you should value.  Maybe you were taught to value job success and have poured yourself into work. But doing so has led you to feel disconnected from your partner. This could be a great time to reflect on your loneliness and disconnection and reevaluate your values. Maybe prioritizing your relationship over your work could create a more connected relationship. Or, maybe may view divorce as failure, which could prevent you from ending a toxic relationship. You may benefit from reevaluating your view on divorce and rework it as a viable option and not a sign of failure.  Challenge your thoughts.  Getting unstuck takes challenging yourself on both sides of your stuckness. This means challenging your fear of leaving and/or your hopelessness that things won’t change. It can help to make a list of your fears of divorce and a list of your fears of what will stay the same if you stay. Talk through these fears with a trusted confidante who can help you challenge the thoughts that are keeping you stuck. Take risks to see if change is possible. Doing the same thing and getting the same result can lead to feeling stuck. What changes can you make that may in turn create change in your relationship? Seek counsel in this. Often, I find we have blind spots when it comes to ourselves. Seek close friends, a trusted family member, or a therapist to help you find your blind spot. Getting unstuck often involves finding these blind spots in ourselves and making intentional efforts to change them. Do trauma work. I won’t bore you with the scientific details, but oftentimes, stuckness is a result of childhood trauma. Humans are adaptive. If you experienced childhood trauma or neglect, you likely adapted in ways to keep yourself safe. Sometimes those incredibly adaptive ways to keep yourself safe as a child carry over into our adult relationships and cause disconnection. For example, if you learned to stuff your emotions because emotions were scary, unwelcome or shamed in your childhood, it may be hard to emotionally connect to your partner. There are amazingly effective trauma therapies that can help you find more effective strategies of coping with your past and moving forward. Feeling stuck can be an effective invitation to do your own work.Reframe your situation. Recognize that “stuck” is not stuck at all, but rather a viable choice. It’s a choice to stay (to prevent the negative outcomes you fear in leaving) and it’s a choice to keep the status quo (due to fears of the risks associated with change). Sometimes, status quo is a fine choice for now.  So instead of feeling “stuck,” remind yourself that you have made your decision to stay in the current situation for reasons that are important to you, i.e., not wanting the kids to live in two separate homes, fearing that efforts at change could worsen the situation. Feel good about your choice you have made for valid reasons and put your energy into areas of your life that fill you with purpose and joy. Get support. If fear of change is paralyzing you, get support. Most, if not all of us, need support when we feel stuck. Someone to help us through our fears so that we can find the courage to take some hard steps. It’s way easier to do hard things with support.     

How do healthy couples do it? Do they just naturally agree on most things and therefore, it’s easy? Do they just agree to disagree and move on to keep the peace? Do they hide how they really feel because it’s just easier to agree with their partner? How do healthy couples disagree? 

Preferences vs. Stances  

Marriages don’t fall apart because partners have differences. All partners have differences between them because there are two unique people with their own unique preferences. Marriage entails a constant negotiation of each partner’s preferences. Often, marriages fall apart because couples try to navigate their differing preferences in unhealthy and unhelpful ways. Instead of negotiating differing preferences, couples can get into a stance. Stances are rigid. Stances are judgmental (“My perspective is right and your perspective is wrong.”).  Stances are very difficult for couples to navigate. Stances can lead to disconnection. 

Preferences, however, are expected to be different at times. Preferences are neither right or wrong, they are just a preferred way of doing things. You prefer a structured, routine day. Your spouse prefers a more relaxed approach. You prefer a more structured schedule with the kids. Your spouse prefers a more flexible schedule. You prefer to save money for a rainy day. Your spouse prefers to spend money making memories now. You prefer strict discipline with the kids. Your partner prefers a more tolerant approach. You prefer cuddling on the couch. Your spouse prefers lounging in the recliner. Now, these preferences are bound to cause disagreements. Mishandled preferences become rigid, disconnected stances. 

I want to teach you about stances in the hopes that if you are in a disconnecting place in your relationship, you can find your way out. 

Let’s use an example. 

Julie loves a slower pace of life. She gets anxious when there is too much on her plate. She tries to keep her schedule and her family’s schedule not too busy—even though kids, jobs, extracurriculars and other commitments make this very hard to do. Julie’s husband, Nathan, thrives at a fast pace. He looks at the same busy calendar that makes Julie feel overwhelmed and instead, he feels excited.  

Julie and Nathan will have to navigate these wildly different preferences for pace for the entirety of their marriage. It will cause conflict time and time again. If they aren’t careful, their differing preferences (normal and healthy) can turn into a dividing stance. Once their preferences become a stance, navigating these issues becomes harder.  

Let’s look at the difference between a preference and a stance.  In her healthiest, best days, Julie manages her preference for a slower pace by encouraging her family to have rest and downtime. She proactively asks Nathan, ahead of time, for an unscheduled day each week so the family can relax, which Nathan is typically happy to accommodate. However, when life gets too busy, and Julie gets really overwhelmed and stressed, she gets into her “stance.” She stews on how he does “too much” and that it “isn’t healthy” and  “my way of doing life is so much better than his” and how “he gets to do whatever he wants when he participates in so many different things.” As Nathan leaves for an outing, she accuses him of “doing too much all the time” and “not considering me” and remarks on how “it must be nice to get to do whatever you want all the time.” As Nathan recalls how many times he has declined doing things to accommodate Julie’s request for a less busy schedule, you can probably imagine how this argument goes . . . spoiler . . . nowhere good. 

In his healthiest, best days, Nathan manages his preference for a fast pace by scheduling things well ahead of time, with Julie’s collaboration. He proactively runs things past Julie before adding on any commitments or making extra plans. He even reads blogs and books about how to say “no” to things so as not to overschedule his life. However, when things get a bit out of hand and busy and he gets accused of “doing whatever he wants” he gets into his stance. He recalls all of the times and inconveniences he has experienced when he supported Julie and her outings and activities and concludes “I support her and all of her activities but she doesn’t support me in mine.”  He accuses Julie of not being grateful for his history of supporting her and not being willing to give him the same support he gives her. You can probably guess how his accusations that she isn’t supportive go when she feels she has supported so much.  

In a nutshell, his stance is “you don’t support me the way I support you” and her stance is “you don’t care about my needs, you just think of yourself.” Imagine the conversations that occur from debating these stances. 

In a nutshell, his preference is “I like to do lots of things, it gives me energy and excitement” and her preference is “I like a lot of downtime, it refuels my energy and restores me.” Imagine the conversations that occur when negotiating these differing preferences.  

How do you know if you are in a stance? You are in a stance if:

You see your perspective as right and your partner’s perspective as wrong.You have trouble seeing it any other way than your way.Your communication consists of convincing your partner of your perspective. You aren’t curious or interested in their perspective. The only outcome you are interested in is your partner seeing it the way you do.You think your perspective is superior to your partner’s.

How to get out of a stance:

Recognize it as a stance and acknowledge it as unhealthy and unproductive. Acknowledge that differing perspectives can be equally valid.Decide to be curious about your partner’s perspective.Stay curious until you completely understand why your partner sees it the way they do.Express the validity of their perspective, even though it differs from yours.Empathize with their perspective (“I can understand why you are such a saver, especially since you watched your parents lose their life savings when you were a kid” or “I can understand why you value spending money on making memories because your mother died when you were young, and you know more than most how important it is to live in the moment.”).

Julie got out of her stance when she decided to get curious. Through her curiosity, she was able to understand Nathan’s experience—that he has supported all of her endeavours, even when it put hardship on him. She was able to empathize with him that it would feel disheartening to not feel the same level of support from her. Through his curiosity, Nathan was able to understand that at certain busy times, Julie hits a breaking point. He empathized with her overwhelming experience. When Nathan and Julie connected in empathy, they figured out something else too. They figured out that Julie often said yes to many of Nathan’s prearranged plans because she knows how happy those things make him (she has a deep understanding of his preference for a faster pace) but that sometimes she overcommits in an effort to make him happy, and then hits a breaking point.  He was able to see that what looked like a lack of support in a given moment was often Julie hitting a breaking point because she had tried to support so much.  

Even after this conversation, Julie and Nathan will continue to negotiate their differing preferences a million times over in their relationship. But if they stay out of their stances, their differing preferences won’t divide them. In fact, it will help them understand each other even better. And that’s how healthy couples do it.

We’ve been doing this work long enough to say with complete confidence that affairs are devastating and catastrophic to relationships. The discovery of an affair is like a bomb going off, often when a partner never even knew they were at war. Despite all of this, we’ve seen couples have tremendous success in healing after an affair. We’ve made a list of the most effective ways we have seen couples heal their relationship (hint: it takes effort from both partners and it can be done).  This isn’t a post to help you decide whether you should go or stay. If you are considering taking the route of relational repair, this is simply a post to tell you how.  

1. Dedicate space and time to learning about relationships and affair recovery.

LEARN WHAT WORKS. If this relationship is important to you and healing it and reconnecting is what you want, learn what works. Learn the words, the actions, the healthiest ways to show up for your hurting partner. Learn the healthiest ways to process the betrayal. Do not rely on your intuition.  Often, the reasons one ends up in an affair (i.e. difficulty expressing needs or feelings, losing sight of connection, etc.) are the very issues that make it hard to repair from an affair.  It requires a set of skills that are often overdue on being learned—empathy, validation, taking accountability, vulnerability. Gift yourself and your relationship the investment of time to learn them. You can start with books like After the Affair by Janis Spring, Not “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, PhD, and Out of the Doghouse, by Robert Weiss.  

You can also check out our blog post on the subject here. 

2.  Commit to self-exploration and personal growth.

There are so many factors that can contribute to an affair. If you are the one who had the affair, take this opportunity to do a deep dive into yourself. Reflect, journal, do therapy, read, confide in safe people. Learn what you can about yourself. Do you have a hard time expressing your needs to your partner and therefore default to looking elsewhere? Do you have some unresolved trauma that has affected your life in negative ways and an affair is a part of that impact? Do you chase excitement as a way to distract from feeling numb or detached? Do you fear intimacy and vulnerability and affairs are a substitute for the lack of deep intimacy with others? Do you over-focus on work and the lack of time you have invested in friendships has left you lonely? So many options. Take the time to learn about yourself so you can make the changes in you to live your healthiest life.

If you are the betrayed spouse, spend as little time as you can wondering what you did to cause the affair. The answer is: nothing. But, do spend time evaluating how you have engaged in this relationship historically and if those ways serve you now. Are there ways you have avoided sharing your feelings or asking for your needs, and in doing so, you have prevented deeper intimacy? Are there ways you have accepted negative behaviors to preserve the peace? Do you communicate in unhealthy ways to your partner? What is important to you in a relationship? What can you tolerate/not tolerate? All of this knowledge will help guide you into learning what you need to heal this relationship, and figuring out what kind of relationship you want with your partner moving forward. 

3.  Take responsibility for problems in the relationship. 

The best relational outcome for self-exploration is both partners taking responsibility for their contribution to relational issues and taking action to create changes. This step is necessary and essential to affair recovery. And this step can’t happen without taking the time to do #2.  

4.  Dedicate space and time for healing. 

The most common pitfall in affair recovery is not talking about it because doing so is often painful. Or, secondarily, talking about it all the time. Be intentional in creating dedicated, consistent, and meaningful time together to have healing conversations. If things are too intense at first, start these conversations with a couples therapist until you can have them successfully on your own. A loose recommendation is to devote one full year to healing. Use a mix of couples and individual therapy, and maybe even throw in a couples workshop or couples intensive is possible.

5.  Hash it out.  

Affair recovery is an emotional roller coaster. At first, it can seem like talking about it only makes it worse. Tears, pain, anger, questions, not believing answers, confusion, nothing you say or do is right. But you have to do it. And you have to do it a lot, until it finally starts to feel better. 

Do you know what is the biggest waste of time when couples are fighting with each other? Not believing each other. 

You are yelling at me.  No I’m not.

You don’t make me a priority.  That’s not true.

You said [Fill in the blank with any memory of a past statement]. No I didn’t.  

You were too harsh on the kids.  No I wasn’t. 

You ignored me at the party.  I did not!

Now, in your or your partner’s defense, this is a natural response. It is actually my nine-year-old daughter’s go-to response when she is in trouble. You were mean to your sister.  No I wasn’t. It’s automatic. But, over time, I will continue to teach my daughter how to take responsibility for how her actions impact others and how to have empathy for their experience instead of being defensive. I don’t expect that she has this skill yet at age nine, but it is my hope that with good modeling she will learn it over time.

Some of you may not have the skill of empathy (and your relationship is likely suffering because of it). But, good news, it can be learned. And it starts here: 

I believe you. 

I believe you. 

I believe you.

This very morning, I was leaving in a hurry and needed my husband to do something for me. I said, “Can you do this one thing?” as I raced out the door. He called me on my way to work and said, “Why do you have to say it like that—‘Can you do this one thing?’ You make it sound like I don’t do anything, like, ‘Can you at least do this one thing, lazy husband?’ That’s what your tone implies.” 

“I believe you,” I said. “My tone didn’t reflect how I feel about you, I promise.”

“Well that’s how you sounded,” he responded.

“I believe you,” I said it again.

Here’s the thing: it’s not how I meant it. It’s not how my tone sounded to me. It’s not how I feel about him. But I believed him that I sounded critical—to him. Instead of wasting all my energy and breath to make him feel he was wrong because he misinterpreted my hurried tone for criticism, I believed him. I said, “I believe you that I sounded critical. I do want to assure you that I think you are very helpful and I am happy to work on my tone in the future.”

The whole conflict took two minutes from beginning to end.  

Do you know how much conflict and pain could be avoided if couples just believed each other? 

I believe you in that’s how it felt for you. I experienced it differently, but I believe that you experienced it your way. 

I believe you that my anger felt like yelling to you. I believe you that my actions were hurtful to you.I believe you that I sounded harsh.I believe you that when I don’t remember to do what you ask, it feels like I don’t care about your needs.I believe you that it can be hard to talk to me sometimes because I get defensive. I believe you that it’s hard to feel close to me when I hide my real feelings. 

I hear it all the time in my office. A partner looks at me and says, “Can you tell my spouse this? Because they will believe it if it comes from you.” You can save yourself a lot of money, time, and energy by just believing what your partner is telling you.  

Brene Brown says it well (amongst many things that she says well about relationships): “In order to empathize with someone’s experience you must be willing to believe them as they see it and not how you imagine their experience to be.” 

Empathy is a game changer for your relationship. But, it has to start with believing your partner’s experience to be true for them.  

I believe you. See how easy that is? 

I look for relational wisdom everywhere: books, mentors, my clients, experts, my marriage, my kids, TV shows (relationship themes come up on my Netflix feed all the time).  

This time, it was my super-spirited, one-year-old Aussie doodle puppy, Pepper, who taught me an important relationship lesson. 

I was on a jog with Pepper on a beautiful sunny day, after what felt like seven years of rain in Charlotte. I was so excited to take him out on our daily jog through a path in the woods: a ritual that had been nonexistent for many dreary weeks. About halfway through our jog, Pepper stopped and started biting at the leash. I sternly told him “no” and he started biting even more aggressively. The more stern I got, the more intense he got. I was livid. He was ruining my coveted sunny jog.  

When nothing else seemed to work, I finally stopped and calmly got down on his level. He immediately dropped his head in my lap and cuddled close to me. His gesture made me melt. I scratched his ears, and told him it was okay in a soothing, gentle voice. After about one minute of cuddling, he was ready to keep going. 

Amazing. His biting was his way of asking me to come close and comfort him. What an ineffective way to get me to come close! His aggressive efforts to get me to comfort him created an urge in me to do the exact opposite. My urge was to rise up, get angry, and try to assert my control over him.  

Partners do this all. The. Time. 

When we don’t get what we need emotionally from our partners, we can be tempted to react with anger and frustration. Unfortunately, these reactions can make our partners do what I did with Pepper: respond with anger and defiance. Alternatively, some partners shut down and lean out in those moments.  

This dynamic plays out a million times over in distressed relationships. “I don’t get what I need from you . . . I get pissed and angry . . . and you either get angry back at me or withdraw from me.” In this dynamic, no one is getting their needs met.  

Now, dogs don’t have many choices. When Pepper got spooked by something in the woods that day, he didn’t have a way to say, “Hold up Mom, I’m scared. Can you stop and give me some cuddles and a comforting ear scratch?”  

But humans do have choices. We have the choice to be intentional and clear in how we voice our needs to our partners. If we voice our needs with anger, criticism, judgment, demands, or aggression, we are less likely to get those needs met. We have a choice in saying, “I’m feeling anxious; can I talk to you about it? It can really help.” or “I’m struggling with some things and need some comfort from you– a hug, reassurance, some encouraging words.” 

I made a choice that day to lean in, despite the aggressive reaction in my dog.  It wasn’t an automatic reaction. It wasn’t my second or third reaction. But, if I had known Pepper was spooked and needed a cuddle, without hesitation I would have leaned down and comforted him. And often I find partners are willing to do the same.  

The critical difference is asking for what you need in loving, clear, and vulnerable ways, rather than critical, angry, and reactive ways.  

I’ll keep you posted on any other relational wisdom Pepper has to offer in the future!