Have you ever told someone they hurt your feelings and they responded with, “That wasn’t my intention”? If you have, you know how hollow and unsatisfying that apology feels. Unless you believe the person intended to hurt you, those words are practically useless.

This post is all about a simple, powerful relationship skill I call Intent vs. Impact. It can change the way you argue, repair, and connect with the people you care about.

Arguments between couples often feel exhausting and unresolved. When you spend all your energy explaining your intention—what you meant to do or say—you completely miss the impact of your actions on your partner. Arguing about your intent does nothing to help the situation; it only causes more damage.

Let’s look at an example of an argument focused on intent:

Sam: Why did you say that? Mel: Say what? Sam: The story you just told our friends about me. It made me look bad! Mel: No, it didn’t. It was funny! Sam: I didn’t like it. I don’t like when you tell stories that make me look bad. Mel: Sorry, it wasn’t my intention to make you look bad. Come on, it was funny. Sam: It didn’t feel funny to me. It felt mean and embarrassing. Mel: You’re taking it wrong. Sam: I am not taking it wrong. Mel: Yes, you are! I didn’t mean anything mean by it. You’re making it something it’s not. Sam: You wouldn’t like it if I told a story like that about you! Mel: I wouldn’t care. I would think it was funny. Sam: That is not true—you wouldn’t have liked it either. Mel: Agree to disagree on that one. Sam: Sigh. Mel: I didn’t mean for it to be mean. Sam: I didn’t say you meant it to be mean. I said it felt mean. Mel: I think you’re being too sensitive. You care too much what others think—it was just a funny story. Sam: Sigh again.

This argument could go on for pages. I know because I see couples do this all the time. The fight never ends because they are stuck in a loop of intent vs. impact. Mel keeps trying to justify her intent, and Sam keeps trying to get her to understand the impact.

This fight only ends in one of two ways: either with disconnection or when Mel finally acknowledges the impact of her actions and cares for it well.

We do not repair by arguing about intention. We repair when we care for the impact.

When someone you love tells you something felt hurtful, they are not accusing you of being a malicious person. If they thought you were intentionally trying to hurt them, they likely wouldn’t be in a relationship with you. They are using their precious breath to tell you something felt bad, and they want you to care about their feelings. Arguing about intent does not care for the impact at all.

Think of it this way:

Imagine you’re at the park, napping on a blanket. Someone runs by to catch a football and accidentally tramples on your arm. Ouch! It starts to bleed. Now, imagine that instead of tending to the wound, you and the person argued over whether they meant to run over your arm. All the while, you’re bleeding out.

You: “Ouch! You ran over my arm!” Them: “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to! I was running to get a football.” You: “It’s bleeding and it hurts.” Them: “It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.” You: “Okay, but you did.” Them: “I didn’t even see you there. The sun was in my eyes. I thought it was just a grassy field.”

This is a crazy example, right? This would never happen. As soon as you cried out in pain and held your arm, they would immediately run over and help you. “I’m so sorry,” they would say while tending to your injury. “Where does it hurt? Let me help you get a bandage. We should get you to a doctor.”

We need to treat emotional wounds with the same care. You probably didn’t mean to hurt your friend, partner, or coworker’s feelings. But guess what? You did. The next best step is to care for the hurt. It’s far less exhausting than arguing endlessly about your intent.

This skill has the power to transform your relationships. Healthy couples aren’t experts at predicting what will or won’t cause hurt; they are experts at repairing it.

Let’s revisit the earlier example and see what happens when Mel chooses to tend to the impact instead of defending her intent.

Sam: Why did you say that? Mel: Say what? Sam: The story you just told our friends about me. It made me look bad! Mel: Oh…okay. I didn’t realize that would upset you. Sam: Well, it did. Mel: I’m sorry. I promise I didn’t think it would upset you—I thought you would think it was funny—but I clearly misread that one. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it better? Do you want me to say something to our friends? Sam: No, you don’t need to. Could you just tell funny stories about yourself and not me in the future? Mel: Sure. I’ll make sure if I’m telling an embarrassing story, it’s about me and not you. I’m sorry. I’ll be more mindful in the future. Sam: Thanks.

A quick hug, and they can go back to having a great night with their friends.

See the difference? It takes 15 seconds to tend to the impact well. It can take 30 minutes to argue about intent.

You get to choose your response, and in doing so, you get to choose to improve your relationship.