Fern Schumer Chapman's Blog

Parents on social media find they aren’t alone: “It’s a pain you can’t describe!”

 

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Fern, I just read your article ‘How Narcissism Can Lead to Sibling Estrangement’, and I recognised every single description.

This is not a surprise to me, since I’ve struggled with ‘sibling estrangement’ for nearly two decades. And she’s my only one… (adding to a deep-rooted sense of self-blame).

A turning point in my life was when I broke the news of my pregnancy with my sister (and of course, she’d been the first one on my list, I’d always been her loyal little sister), almost 19 years ago, who (then already mum of four healthy kids) simply responded that ‘people like me shouldn’t have children’. It very painfully opened my eyes, and I finally got to acknowledge the toxicity of our relationship.

Ever since, I’ve experienced the most phenomenal tactics of her ‘revenge’, to settle the score.

I knew I had to work this all out for myself, and I still know that the only one I can change is me. I’ve chosen a beautiful spiritual path and I’m often feeling fulfilled without my sister and parents. Yet, it also feels very lonely.

I often think that ‘I should get over myself’ and honestly, I’d love to, but on the other hand, I don’t ever wish to be sucked into our family dynamics again, in which I was used to be humiliated, belittled: physically and emotionally violated, so to speak.

Our nest is and has always been violent and unsafe, and I’ve come to set firm boundaries, which have been very often violated. The ‘contra-forces’ are indescribably strong, and it’s somehow forced me in some kind of social isolation (family wise).

It’s a pretty painful story. My parents are nearing their eighties, and my sister seems to be blind to our past. I don’t exactly know that works, psychologically, but it’s as if she completely ignores the abuse. She just wants us to be together again (and so do my parents!), and recall good memories. So I’m the sour one, the one sabotaging everything, the difficult one.

Perhaps I am. Yet I’ve always tried to survive a fiercely narcissistic older sister, a very unstable and forceful mum and an equally violent dad.
This is the last phase of my parents’ lives. And I notice that I feel a kind of trapped. In guilt. I self-blame.

I wonder how I can endure this, and I often notice that I’m worrying myself sick about having to show up together when one of my parents gets ill or dies.

Sally

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Fern, I just read your article ‘How Narcissism Can Lead to Sibling Estrangement’, and I recognised every single description.
This is not a surprise to me, since I’ve struggled with ‘sibling estrangement’ for nearly two decades. And she’s my only one… (adding to a deep-rooted sense of self-blame).
A turning point in my life was when I broke the news of my pregnancy with my sister (and of course, she’d been the first one on my list, I’d always been her loyal little sister), almost 19 years ago, who (then already mum of four healthy kids) simply responded that ‘people like me shouldn’t have children’.
It very painfully opened my eyes, and I finally got to acknowledge the toxicity of our relationship.
Ever since, I’ve experienced the most phenomenal tactics of her ‘revenge’, to settle the score.

I knew I had to work this all out for myself, and I still know that the only one I can change is me. I’ve chosen a beautiful spiritual path and I’m often feeling fulfilled without my sister and parents. Yet, it also feels very lonely.
I often think that ‘I should get over myself’ and honestly, I’d love to, but on the other hand, I don’t ever wish to be sucked into our family dynamics again, in which I was used to be humiliated, belittled: physically and emotionally violated, so to speak.

Our nest is and has always been violent and unsafe, and I’ve come to set firm boundaries, which have been very often violated. The ‘contra-forces’ are indescribably strong, and it’s somehow forced me in some kind of social isolation (family wise).
It’s a pretty painful story. My parents are nearing their eighties, and my sister seems to be blind to our past. I don’t exactly know that works, psychologically, but it’s as if she completely ignores the abuse. She just wants us to be together again (and so do my parents!), and recall good memories. So I’m the sour one, the one sabotaging everything, the difficult one.
Perhaps I am. Yet I’ve always tried to survive a fiercely narcissistic older sister, a very unstable and forceful mum and an equally violent dad.
This is the last phase of my parents’ lives. And I notice that I feel a kind of trapped. In guilt. I self-blame.
I wonder how I can endure this, and I often notice that I’m worrying myself sick about having to show up together when one of my parents gets ill or dies.

Sally

The post Question from estranged sister: How do I manage when parents get ill or die? appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.

In an essay called “An Awkward Kind of Grief,” Patti Davis, the daughter of President Ronald Reagan, reflected upon the recent death of her half-brother, Michael Reagan—someone she barely knew.

The two had the same father, but a strained and distant relationship. Patti’s mother, Nancy Reagan, kept the children from her husband’s first marriage at arm’s length from the children she shared with Reagan. As adults, half-siblings Michael and Patti were further divided by their opposing political views, clashing over such matters as abortion rights, same-sex marriage, and gun issues. As Davis wrote in her essay: “The Reagan family has always lived on fractured earth, wide gullies and uncrossable rivers between us.”

The post New psychologytoday.com post: President’s daughter writes about grief appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.

Sibling estrangement is not just about not talking to your brother or sister.

It has much broader ramifications, as sibling rejection can profoundly shape an individual’s personality and their roles in the family. Many estranged people who have experienced rejection from family members struggle to trust.

The post New psychologytoday.com blog – How estrangement erodes the ability to trust appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.

Screenshot

Link to join us:

https://www.copingwithfamilyalienation.com/store

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Local news article about the Kristallnacht ceremony in Münzenberg. Here is the translation:No “one-size-fits-all” approach: This year’s commemoration by the town of Münzenberg and the Friends of Münzenberg Castle and Town was anything but an automated, perfunctory event. The focus this year was on the eventful life of Gerda Katz, a resident of Münzenberg who had to flee the Nazis in 1938 – a commemoration poised between hope, loss, and historical responsibility. Gerda Frumkin, née Katz, fled Nazi terror to the USA at the age of 12. During the voyage, she met her future best friend, Edith Westerfeld from Stockstadt, only to lose touch with her again after arriving in the USA – for 72 years. Westerfeld’s daughter, Fern Schumer Chapman, wrote a book about her mother’s escape and mentioned her lost friend from Münzenberg. Following a school event, the students were so moved by the account that they began researching. With success. The two now elderly women were reunited in 2011. Their contact has never been broken since.Petra and Uwe Müller (Friends of Münzenberg Castle and Town) explored the fate of Gerda Frumkin, née Katz, at the memorial event. Particularly moving was Petra Müller’s reading of Gerda’s passages in the first person, creating a personal connection to Gerda Frumkin that would otherwise have been impossible. The presentation was based on the book “THREE STARS IN THE NIGHT SKY: A REFUGEE FAMILY’S ODYSSEY OF SEPARATION AND REUNION,” published by Fern Schumer Chapman in 2018.At the beginning of the memorial event, the attendees experienced a particularly emotional moment. Ann Sherman and Fern Schumer Chapman, the daughters of Gerda Katz and Edith Westerfeld, joined via video link as guests of honor. Chapman and Sherman were deeply moved that the memory of their mothers, and of the countless other Jewish victims of Nazi terror, is still being kept alive.“Personal contact helps us understand that we are not talking about distant historical events, but that we are remembering people. People who laughed, cried, and lived—just like us,” said Mayor Dr. Isabell Tammer in her address.Alexander Füller was responsible for the sophisticated and complex technology used for the video link across the Atlantic. Reiner Mohr and Angelika Herrmann provided the musical accompaniment, perfectly tailored to each part of the event. “We would like to express our sincere gratitude to everyone involved for their tremendous support in preparing and carrying out this year’s commemoration,” said Uwe Müller (Chairman of the Friends of Münzenberg Castle and Town Association).The Old Synagogue Cultural Center was packed. This impressively demonstrated how important it was for the residents of Münzenberg to send a message against antisemitism and racism, and in support of a free and democratic society. Numerous attendees approached Petra and Uwe Müller after the event, some visibly moved, to thank them for the evening. The participation of author Fern Schumer Chapman and Gerda Katz’s daughter was something very special.#HolocaustRemembrance #HolocaustRemembrance #holocausthistory #HolocaustMemory #stockstadtamrhein

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Becoming estranged from a sibling can be devastating, even when it also brings a sense of relief. Here’s why it happens, and whether you should reconcile—or not.

 

The post Readers Digest article: Why Do Adult Siblings Stop Speaking? The Psychology of Estrangement appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.

One of the most frequent risk factors for sibling estrangement is a family member who has narcissistic personality  traits. That person may not be diagnosed with the full-blown disorder; they may simply display some of the characteristics.

The post A Narcissist in the Family Often Leads to Estrangement appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.

The Kristallnacht Commemoration in Münzenberg was held in the old synagogue yesterday. Its history reflects shifting attitudes towards Jews in Germany.

For ninety years — 1848 to 1938 — six Jewish families who lived in Münzenberg, including Gerda Katz, worshipped in the small, two-story synagogue in the center of the city, near the Lutheran church.

But on Kristallnacht, Nazis smashed the synagogue’s door and threw benches and Jewish artifacts out the building’s windows. Nazis burned the treasured Torah scrolls. However, Nazis didn’t burn down the building, fearing that neighboring houses could catch fire.

After Kristallnacht, two Jewish families were able to flee the country, but the others didn’t have a place to go or they couldn’t get the necessary papers to leave. Eventually, they were sent to concentration camps where Nazis murdered members of those Münzenberg families.

In 1952, the city of Münzenberg bought the old synagogue and converted it into a fire station. Workers removed the round arched windows that identified the building as a synagogue and installed a garage door and a false concrete ceiling. The building served the fire brigade until 2005, when the station moved to a new location. Then, the community debated what to do with the old building.

Before World War II, 2,800 synagogues dotted Germany; now, only 130 remain. In the last few decades, Germans have restored many of the synagogues that survived Kristallnacht.

After much debate, the city council decided to spend 475,000 euros of public and private money to restore the exterior of the old synagogue to its original state. In 2009, the building was reopened as a living monument to the Jews who once lived in the city and as a cultural center for the current residents of Münzenberg.

 

Excerpted from my book, Three Stars in the Night Sky.

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