Fern Schumer Chapman's Blog

Fern Schumer Chapman: From Nazi Party membership records to family lineages, databases reveal hidden histories

The post Chicago Tribune opinion piece: From Nazi Party membership records to family lineages, databases reveal hidden histories appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.

 

A new survey finds that the stress of caring for aging parents can break sibling bonds.

KEY POINTS

One in five people report experiencing permanent sibling estrangement due to caring for an aging parent.Nearly half of caregivers report that they resent a sibling because caregiving was not shared fairly.Gender expectations can shape how families divide care; daughters are typically the hands-on caregiver.A family text thread may be convenient for quick updates, but it can also intensify conflict.

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When a relative gets a life-threatening diagnosis, the estranged — like Prince Harry — face a cruel deadline that poses difficult questions:Should I call? Would my presence help or harm? If I stay away, will I regret it? If I return, will I lose the boundaries that made life bearable?https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...

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In midlife, some see things with fresh eyes, requiring a narrative revision.

KEY POINTS

In midlife – after parents die, children leave, careers plateau – some people do an emotional audit.Many find that the facts of their lives have not changed, but they often find the meaning has changed.Such an awakening prompts a reorganization of relationships, purpose, and identity,

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...

The post A Midlife Awakening: Seeing Things Anew in Our 50s and 60s appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.

From the review:

“As a parent, reading Brothers, Sisters, Strangers gave me a fuller perspective on how estrangement affects other members of a family. Learning more about sibling estrangement helped me better understand the consequences of estrangement between my own children.

“It also reminded me that whether the cutoff is between siblings, parents and children, or other relatives, the losses—while different in some ways—often feel quite similar.

“This book doesn’t give easy answers. But it does show how much estrangement (and reconciliation) costs everyone on all sides.

“And those costs deserve to be seen, measured, and grieved.”

 

https://caylacoleauthor.substack.com/...

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In midlife – after parents die, children leave, careers plateau – some people do an emotional audit.Many find that the facts of their lives have not changed, but they often find the meaning has changed.Such an awakening prompts a reorganization of relationships, purpose, and identity,

 

The post Seeing Anew in Our 50s and 60s appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.

My dear friend Jürgen Flügge continues to tell the story of our mothers’ deep friendship. His mother, Mina, lived with my mother’s family, the Westerfelds, for several years during the 1930s. During the Great Depression, Mina’s family in Stockstadt am Rhein couldn’t afford to feed all of their children, so her parents asked my grandparents if their 15-year-old could do chores in exchange for room and board.Mina became much more than a housekeeper to the Westerfelds. When my mother (Edith) and I arrived for our first visit to Germany in 1991, she told me that we couldn’t leave the country without seeing Mina. When I asked her who was Mina, she said, “She is a ‘sister’ to me.” After my mother fled the country as a 12-year-old unaccompanied minor, Mina, then a 25-year-old Christian girl, became a voice of resistance. She recorded Nazi crimes on scraps of paper and placed her notes in a suitcase that Jürgen found after her death in 1992. Mina had kept the notes as evidence in the Nazi trials.Mina is the subject of my next book, “I Will Not Howl with Those Wolves.”Jürgen continues to perform his play, “Edith Und Mina” throughout Germany today. My friend, Fritz Wolf, attended this performance, organized by The Round Table of Jewish Life in Groß-Umstadt, and shared these photos with me.

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Parents on social media find they aren’t alone: “It’s a pain you can’t describe!”

 

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Fern, I just read your article ‘How Narcissism Can Lead to Sibling Estrangement’, and I recognised every single description.

This is not a surprise to me, since I’ve struggled with ‘sibling estrangement’ for nearly two decades. And she’s my only one… (adding to a deep-rooted sense of self-blame).

A turning point in my life was when I broke the news of my pregnancy with my sister (and of course, she’d been the first one on my list, I’d always been her loyal little sister), almost 19 years ago, who (then already mum of four healthy kids) simply responded that ‘people like me shouldn’t have children’. It very painfully opened my eyes, and I finally got to acknowledge the toxicity of our relationship.

Ever since, I’ve experienced the most phenomenal tactics of her ‘revenge’, to settle the score.

I knew I had to work this all out for myself, and I still know that the only one I can change is me. I’ve chosen a beautiful spiritual path and I’m often feeling fulfilled without my sister and parents. Yet, it also feels very lonely.

I often think that ‘I should get over myself’ and honestly, I’d love to, but on the other hand, I don’t ever wish to be sucked into our family dynamics again, in which I was used to be humiliated, belittled: physically and emotionally violated, so to speak.

Our nest is and has always been violent and unsafe, and I’ve come to set firm boundaries, which have been very often violated. The ‘contra-forces’ are indescribably strong, and it’s somehow forced me in some kind of social isolation (family wise).

It’s a pretty painful story. My parents are nearing their eighties, and my sister seems to be blind to our past. I don’t exactly know that works, psychologically, but it’s as if she completely ignores the abuse. She just wants us to be together again (and so do my parents!), and recall good memories. So I’m the sour one, the one sabotaging everything, the difficult one.

Perhaps I am. Yet I’ve always tried to survive a fiercely narcissistic older sister, a very unstable and forceful mum and an equally violent dad.
This is the last phase of my parents’ lives. And I notice that I feel a kind of trapped. In guilt. I self-blame.

I wonder how I can endure this, and I often notice that I’m worrying myself sick about having to show up together when one of my parents gets ill or dies.

Sally

The post Question from estranged sister: How do I manage when parents fall ill or die? appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.

Fern, I just read your article ‘How Narcissism Can Lead to Sibling Estrangement’, and I recognised every single description.
This is not a surprise to me, since I’ve struggled with ‘sibling estrangement’ for nearly two decades. And she’s my only one… (adding to a deep-rooted sense of self-blame).
A turning point in my life was when I broke the news of my pregnancy with my sister (and of course, she’d been the first one on my list, I’d always been her loyal little sister), almost 19 years ago, who (then already mum of four healthy kids) simply responded that ‘people like me shouldn’t have children’.
It very painfully opened my eyes, and I finally got to acknowledge the toxicity of our relationship.
Ever since, I’ve experienced the most phenomenal tactics of her ‘revenge’, to settle the score.

I knew I had to work this all out for myself, and I still know that the only one I can change is me. I’ve chosen a beautiful spiritual path and I’m often feeling fulfilled without my sister and parents. Yet, it also feels very lonely.
I often think that ‘I should get over myself’ and honestly, I’d love to, but on the other hand, I don’t ever wish to be sucked into our family dynamics again, in which I was used to be humiliated, belittled: physically and emotionally violated, so to speak.

Our nest is and has always been violent and unsafe, and I’ve come to set firm boundaries, which have been very often violated. The ‘contra-forces’ are indescribably strong, and it’s somehow forced me in some kind of social isolation (family wise).
It’s a pretty painful story. My parents are nearing their eighties, and my sister seems to be blind to our past. I don’t exactly know that works, psychologically, but it’s as if she completely ignores the abuse. She just wants us to be together again (and so do my parents!), and recall good memories. So I’m the sour one, the one sabotaging everything, the difficult one.
Perhaps I am. Yet I’ve always tried to survive a fiercely narcissistic older sister, a very unstable and forceful mum and an equally violent dad.
This is the last phase of my parents’ lives. And I notice that I feel a kind of trapped. In guilt. I self-blame.
I wonder how I can endure this, and I often notice that I’m worrying myself sick about having to show up together when one of my parents gets ill or dies.

Sally

The post Question from estranged sister: How do I manage when parents get ill or die? appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.