Fern Schumer Chapman's Blog

Mourning the Living: The Grief of Sibling Estrangement

Join us for this event on Wednesday, November 11, 2026, 6:30 – 8:00 EST

Learn more at katonahstudygroup.org

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From the post:

Where to Begin?

If you’re recently estranged from an adult child or have been living with estrangement for years, you may find yourself searching for understanding, support, or ways to cope with the changes in your family relationships.

Books specifically focused on family estrangement can be a helpful starting point.

Of course, no book can take away your pain or restore a relationship with your child. But books can broaden your perspective, offer practical guidance, and help you feel less alone.

I’ve reviewed each of these eleven books previously at The Estrangement Library, along with many other resources. This roundup is to help you find a place to begin, with books that may best match your circumstances right now. Click on a book title to read the review.

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When Family Estrangement Comes to WorkDuring the holidays, grief over family ruptures drains a worker’s productivity.Estrangement can affect an employee’s attention and focus, disrupting attendance and output at work.The massive surge in family estrangement creates a form of “brain drain” that hurts a company’s bottom line.Employees often bring to work estrangement issues like boundary violations, criticism, or unresolved conflict.

Deep grief, rumination, and sleep deprivation inevitably show up at work—especially at this time of year. Robyn D. Shulman’s recent article in Inc Magazine, “38 Percent of U.S. Adults Are Estranged From Family. The Workplace Is Feeling It,” spotlights this overlooked phenomenon.

Estrangement can disrupt attendance and output, as well as affecting attention and ability to focus. The article asks an important question: What does it cost a person to carry a family rupture through an ordinary workday?

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I’m the oldest, she’s three years younger. We were both homely little girls born to physically attractive parents who I think were dismayed by what they got. I was quick and smart; my sister was not smart. We never had more in common than our parents, an angry alcoholic father and a needy neurotic mother.

As a child my sister played the baby role as long as she could, while I went it alone, sometimes accused of being unkind for not liking her or wanting to play with her (she was neither imaginative nor fun). My sister was jealous and petulant about everything I did; she also had our father’s mean personality and could become physical if she didn’t get her way, hitting and shoving. I’m pretty sure I rejected her by the time I was ten or eleven, as I did well in school and had friends. I heard on this blog that rejection by a sibling can affect a person’s self esteem and more, and for that I am somewhat sorry, but not entirely.

She had a rough life, with no contact with me for over a decade until she moved back to our home state when her kids were grown. Somewhere along the line she fulfilled her destiny and became a serious alcoholic. Two more failed marriages and serious financial troubles finished her.

This is going on too long: she despises me but “plays” at being my sister until she becomes irrationally jealous of my life, which has been ok. My husband and I are old – 85 and 79, but still she is angry that she doesn’t have a comfortable retirement or kids and grandchildren who love us.

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Fern Schumer Chapman: From Nazi Party membership records to family lineages, databases reveal hidden histories

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A new survey finds that the stress of caring for aging parents can break sibling bonds.

KEY POINTS

One in five people report experiencing permanent sibling estrangement due to caring for an aging parent.Nearly half of caregivers report that they resent a sibling because caregiving was not shared fairly.Gender expectations can shape how families divide care; daughters are typically the hands-on caregiver.A family text thread may be convenient for quick updates, but it can also intensify conflict.

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When a relative gets a life-threatening diagnosis, the estranged — like Prince Harry — face a cruel deadline that poses difficult questions:Should I call? Would my presence help or harm? If I stay away, will I regret it? If I return, will I lose the boundaries that made life bearable?https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...

The post A Terminal Illness Sets a Cruel Deadline for the Estranged appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.

In midlife, some see things with fresh eyes, requiring a narrative revision.

KEY POINTS

In midlife – after parents die, children leave, careers plateau – some people do an emotional audit.Many find that the facts of their lives have not changed, but they often find the meaning has changed.Such an awakening prompts a reorganization of relationships, purpose, and identity,

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...

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From the review:

“As a parent, reading Brothers, Sisters, Strangers gave me a fuller perspective on how estrangement affects other members of a family. Learning more about sibling estrangement helped me better understand the consequences of estrangement between my own children.

“It also reminded me that whether the cutoff is between siblings, parents and children, or other relatives, the losses—while different in some ways—often feel quite similar.

“This book doesn’t give easy answers. But it does show how much estrangement (and reconciliation) costs everyone on all sides.

“And those costs deserve to be seen, measured, and grieved.”

 

https://caylacoleauthor.substack.com/...

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In midlife – after parents die, children leave, careers plateau – some people do an emotional audit.Many find that the facts of their lives have not changed, but they often find the meaning has changed.Such an awakening prompts a reorganization of relationships, purpose, and identity,

 

The post Seeing Anew in Our 50s and 60s appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.