Aaron Frale's Blog

Before I start, A Sci/Fantasy Book Sale and a Sci Fi/Fantasy Giveaway.

I don’t write a lot of love scenes. Romance is a category that feels like to me on the exact opposite end of what I write, what I like to watch, and generally what I spend a lot of time thinking about. It’s not only difficult for me to write, but I also don’t have a lot of experience in the area, so I don’t know a lot about it.

I’ve only been with and still with one person, ever in my life. I was in my late twenties or so when that happened. And it wasn’t adherence to strict religious practices that got me there, in fact, I am all about premarital sex and experimentation. You have two or more consenting adults who aren’t harming anyone, have at it. Skies the limit.

No, the chronic singleness of my youth wasn’t my looks, I had plenty of people interested, nor my social skills, I always had a lot of friends. It was my complete utter cluelessness of societal norms and more importantly body language. See, in American culture, around the time I was coming of age, the man was expected to make the first move. Women were shamed if they went out on a limb. But I’m a caring guy who cares about consent, so I needed a clear sign that the person of my interest wanted me to do what I wanted to do and they were shamed by society if they were too clear on their signs.

The result was a lot of girlfriends that I never had. For example, there was this girl I really liked, and she came to a party at my house with a cooler full of jungle juice (sorry dad). She pulled me away from the party to teach her to play guitar, so you know what I did? I taught her to play guitar! Bless her, she didn’t give up, she pulled me away again, this time to the basement where no one else was to play Legos. You wanna know what we did? We played Legos! She really tried that night, and I was so enamored with her I was asking my friends if they thought she liked me.

Turns out she did and well, I kinda missed my chance. She wasn’t the only one over the years, a Australian exchange student who was way hot and wanted to drive alone with me to the place we were going practically teed up a date for me, by saying “I really want to see the Blair Witch project” (which was playing that weekend) and I said that “I do too” (then thought to myself it sure would be swell to see it with her). A girl took me to her dorm where she “would do anything I wanted” (her words not mine). I asked her to straighten my hair, and she straightened my hair. Yes, I was that dumb. I had no clue that when a girl liked me, she touched me, or when a girl asked me to her dorm room where I could do anything, it wasn’t for hair care advice.

There was a girl who took me to the movies on my birthday and kept grabbing my arm, and then later that night at the party, when I was clearly giving her the vibes that I don’t like her (when I was more the vibes, I really like her and wish that I had some clear sign or perhaps verbal instructions about what to do next), she ended up hooking up with my friend. She later set fire to my friend’s bed, so maybe that was a close call on that one.

The point is romance and Aaron, at least in my early days was like oil and water, they weren’t a good match. It wasn’t till I married a romance novelist that I started learning about how this lack of understanding about body language, society expectations, and general cluelessness on my part really spoiled by youthful years. When my wife said, “yeah girls just sort of hang around the person they like hoping for something to happen,” I suddenly realized how my youth went so wonderfully disastrously wrong.

I mean if there was a unit in health class that wasn’t about what happens when a penis ejaculates (trust me, men figure this one out pretty early in life) or women’s ovulation, but actually said things like. How do you know if a girl likes you? They hang around, they find excuses to touch you, etc. My youth would have been very very different.

Even in my early twenties, when I was getting more the hang of it, I overcompensated for my deficit and tried to plant kisses because I figured that’s what I was doing wrong. I remember asking out a girl from class, she said yes, and the next day, I overheard her and her friend talking. When asked how the date went, she replied, “It was good but I think he wanted a little too much.” I was super confused at that point in my life because I really didn’t know what to do. 

I also even completely failed to read the situation sometimes. There was this one time, at a hotel party (sorry Marriott). We used to rent hotel rooms for the night, invite all our college friends to party with us, sometimes it would move to the pool. Anyway, it was a mixed group of genders, mostly theatre folks, and they were drunk. I had invited this girl to the party who I liked and we had spent a lot of time after class talking.

Anyway, the mixed gender group, (I have to remind you for what comes next) decided that they wanted to watch porn on the TV. Bear in mind they weren’t having an orgy. Just college kids, watching porn and drinking in a hotel room (like you do). I was a little nervous about how it would look to this girl that I really didn’t know that well, and I also was having horrible luck with women.

My friends who were supportive of me and my female problems, thought the best solution was for them to close the door to the bedroom (it was a suite with a bedroom and tiny living room) so they can watch porn and not creep out this girl. Remember, I’m the guy who really doesn’t want too much, in fact I really didn’t know what I wanted at the time. I really just wanted to go out on dates with women to see if I liked them but it seemed like some mysterious force that everyone knew about but me.

Anyway, she showed up, and it was just me making awkward conversation because there were clearly sex noises coming from the other room with the closed door. Rather than explain or just fucking open the door and introduce her to my friends, I just sort of got paralyzed with fear and self-doubt because literally nothing I did to attract women up to that point ever worked. And here’s the funny point of that story. One of my friends, a woman, who grew up in a strict Christian town in Texas, came out of the room with disheveled hair and apologized to her and said, “I’m not normally like this.” The funny part is my friend was referencing the fact that she was drinking, because she normally didn’t drink. But to the person going into this creepy guy’s hotel room with sex noises coming from the back, I imagine it took on a different tonal quality. As any woman in her right mind would do, the girl I was interested in got the hell out of that hotel room, and I never heard from her again. Maybe add reading the room to the health class curriculum.

The funny thing is my no sex till my late twenties was self-imposed. There were men and women both who were pretty direct and wanted to go there. I also one time, was offered to go live in a porn stars house that was connected to webcams that was going to be sort of a subscription service where the people who lived there did things with each other and people got to watch. I declined, not for any moral objections, consenting adults, no harm, have at it!

But it was more that I didn’t want my first time to be with somebody I didn’t like. I wanted it to be with a proper girlfriend, one who went out on dates, and we spent some time getting to know each other before going there. I’m glad I waited, because I’m happy now. I couldn’t have picked a better life partner. But sometimes I wish I had a little more experience because maybe I would have more romance in my novels. People like those things, so in effort to write more romance, The Golden Assault Rifle and Other Weapons of Mass Destruction has some romance in it. And one of these days, I plan to write Jenny’s backstory novels. Those I plan to be a full on romantasy, but until then. There’s going to be a little more spice in my books.

On the note of spice, Maxi hooks up with someone in Book 2 of Office Maxi, but I’m not telling who. You’ll just have to read it.

Books to Consider

Will Toby find a weapon that can save all Earth and Carnt?

Ready The Golden Assault Rifle today!

Seven years ago, a Paladin married a Necromancer. It didn’t seem like a big deal back then, seeing as the world was ending.

Read Paladin and Necromancer today!

In this tale of space opera and cosmic adventure, the Ambassador of a mysterious and ancient family must forge a path through chaos to overcome the terrible enemies that desire humanity’s destruction.

Read The Survivors today!

Can a humble Ad-Man from Knuckleville, USA, beat William Shakespeare and Marie Curie in a battle of minds?

Read Ad Man, Ad Astra today!

Welcome to The Galaxy of Comedy! 530+ pages. 90,000 Words. Endless Laughter.

Read The Galaxy of Comedy today!

As a rising actor, Kanin’s body is his career. His identity. His life. All that is taken from him when he dies and is reborn as a bottle of ink.

Read Water Kanin today!

As torn petals of a rose fall, a hero must rise in a race against destiny.

Read Wedding of the Torn Rose today!

Imagine if “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” ran off with a Mills & Boon paperback, detoured through Discworld, picked up a battered Lonely Planet from 1998, and tuned in to The Spice Girls on the way.

Read Cyberchicks in Love today!

Before I start, have some free Sci Fi and Fantasy.

Dapper Men is a collection of stories that were all inspired by a single photo, which I can’t reprint here because I don’t own the copyright. But I can link to a New York Times Article I read about the picture in question because at the time my spouse, also in the collection of stories, was sending me hilarious Louvre heist videos. One such video, said there really needed to be story written about the dapper man in the photo. Thus my idea to gather my writer friends and challenge them to produce something in a week.

Writing a short story collection about the internet craze of the week is not the best idea because writing takes time and by the time you’re ready to publish everyone has moved on. In fact, they are even making arrests in the Louvre case as I write this. But even if you are reading this the day I published or even months or years from now, the stories are fun and we had a blast to see what we could produce in a week.

Despite dating the material by writing about a topic that will be forgotten in the next round of media frenzy, I felt that the stories here had a timeless quality to them. The Louvre heist may have been the inspiration but the stories that were created in the wake of the tragic incident were fun, very different from each other, and went in some very unexpected ways.

Mine is what long-time readers would expect from me, conspiracy rooted in ancient traditions that spoofs a Dan Brown novel. My spouse, Felicia wrote a slice of life story in a romance novel adjacent category, which is only a prelude to her entire romance adjacent novel series that she has been working on for the last few years. Finally, M.A. Gardner, who wrote a classic noir with cats steering the ship that is just too fun and weird to miss.

There were other writers invited into the collection, but as writers tend to be they didn’t like what they wrote and elected not to be involved. But I have my eye on them for future projects should I decide to invent a hairbrained story collection idea with a really tight turn around time.

To give you an idea of about how long books take from conception to publication, it’s about a year, and that’s real quick turn around by industry standards. So, a short story collection in a week is wild, but it was fun. We also just decided to lock up the inner critic and see what came out, and that is Dapper Men. 3 tales about a dashing crime scene investigator, which of course the real man in the photo was not connected to the Louvre heist at all, but the internet wanted him to be. So, I’m happy to be one of the people to help make that happen.

Dapper Men is a light, quick read, and intended to be nothing but fun. But if for some inexplicable reason, we do inadvertently solve the Louvre heist case, our services as psychic writing detectives are available at a low fee! We’ll happily take all your case information and write a fictious narrative story! It will innovate policing as we know it!

But seriously, if you are looking for a quick, fun read this week. Check out Dapper Men.

Thanks for being here.

Also this is hot off the press, so if you don’t see your favorite store on the link. Check back, they’ll be there eventually.

Books to Consider

3 Short Stories Inspired by the Louvre Heist Dapper Man photo.

Read Dapper Men Today!

Dark Dragon’s Brutal Decision, the next exciting tale in the sexy, steamy age gap shifter firefighter romance series Company 417 Fireman Shifters!

Read Dark Dragon’s Brutal Decision today!

Imagine if “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” ran off with a Mills & Boon paperback, detoured through Discworld, picked up a battered Lonely Planet from 1998, and tuned in to The Spice Girls on the way.

Read Cyberchicks in Love today!

Free Fantasy Books right here!

I had an email planned for today that was written for my Misfits of Carnt 4 release, but a lot of stuff has been going on so I’m going to do an update. The most exciting news is that I’m partnering with an appliance company to do a little cross promotion. They plug my book. I plug their gadget.

It came about because I was listening to Freakanomics Radio and a gentleman named Travis mentioned he was doing a Kickstarter for what would be the Keurig of ramen. It was something I had to invest in because I have a soft spot for ramen, as evidence by my ramen noodle cooking series of videos I did a while back. Sadly, the Kickstarter didn’t fund, and I forgot about the thing.

However, Travis didn’t give up and went ahead anyway to bring such a genius machine into existence and started accepting preorders, so I bought one. But then, at the end of one of his emails. He said ask him anything and I thought to myself, I just happen to be writing a book series about appliances turning into creatures and here is this new appliance that most people just need to know about, and fits completely within my quirky nature.

Thus a partnership was born, and in book 3 of Office Maxi, the Ramen Now will be a creature in the book. Now, I don’t want to spoil anything because you all are still waiting on book 2, but if you order the Ramen Now (or preorder at this stage), you’ll see a little sticker on the book with this creature I’m planning for book 3. Yes, I think this will be the first ever kitchen appliance/book crossover.

Oh, in case you’re wondering about book 2. It’s so close to being done. It’s on the final editing stages. After that’s over, I’m going to pop it up on my website for anyone who wants it early, and then New Years Day 2026, it will go live everywhere else. So, stay tuned for that.

Finally, I want to tell you about another project I’m cooking up. My wife has been sending me Louvre heist Instagram videos as we seemed to be just as entertained as the rest of the world by the internet’s reaction to the whole thing. Well, there is this one photo I couldn’t get out of my head. It was a dapper man next to some cops that while wasn’t the detective, everyone on the internet really wanted him to be.

So, I figured, why not? I gathered up my writer friends and they are all writing a short story inspired by this photo. So yes, I guarantee that this man, or at least one author’s interpretation of him will crack the case of the Louvre heist. The deadline for stories is this Sunday, and if you got one send it (no guarantees you’ll get in but if you send it before Sunday, I’ll at least read it). I’ll be publishing shortly after that.

That’s all for now or as the French say, au revoir.

Books to Consider

Being too close to the truth got Jon Xiong’s mother killed.

Read the Tuners trilogy today!

On the frozen world of Vorarlberg, an ancient culture is being systematically erased.

Read The Savannah Master Uprising today!

When an ancient spell breaks, one girl discovers she’s caught between two worlds – and two loves.

Read The Darkside of Venus today!

He’s always been her protector. Now he’s her greatest temptation.

Read Lion Soul’s Eternal Vow today!

Jac Kanto is determined to steal treasure from Fimmara.

Read The Fimmara Raid today!

If you’ve been reading my books, and I mean like all of them, you probably noticed that I borrowed some plot elements of Playlist of the Ancient Dead for the Misfits of Carnt 4. What is called “the warehouse” in Playlist appears as the main trials Petra and other misfits must get through to achieve a goal set forth for them in the book. 

This decision to pirate my own book came about because when Petra got into the mysterious dungeon at the top of the mountain (don’t worry, no spoilers), I needed her to earn what came next. My original plan for a DnD inspired dungeon crawl with trap rooms, puzzles, crazy mages, and what you’d expect from a dungeon crawl just didn’t seem like it would work, especially for the epic ending that quite frankly had to top the Demon God on the 26 and the World Tree.

When your heroes topple skyscraper high demons and city destroying trees, you really got to up the stakes for what comes next. The dungeon needed to be equal parts mysterious, magical, and tied to the overall plot of will Earth/Carnt survive? There needed to be an intelligent force at work and not just the cold unfeeling dungeon that most crawlers find themselves in.

A dungeon crawl is ultimately a survivalist story where the dungeon is in place of nature as the main obstacle in the way of the protagonist’s survival, and the Misfits of Carnt is not a survivalist story but a metamorphosis one. It’s about change, how that can be sometimes hard, and sometimes sweet, and sometimes scary. In order to have the characters pass through that change, the dungeon needed to be one too.

And well, I already wrote that story, the one where the setting is a living thing with mysterious motives, a long history, and an agent of change. That was Playlist of the Ancient Dead. Now, for those fans of that story, I think you’ll be pleased. I kept the heart of the warehouse and the function it serves the same. I even reprise some characters and locations that I think you’ll love. But I couldn’t keep it the same for it’s not in the same universe.

Also, Playlist of the Ancient Dead suffers the second novel curse. I know if you look at publication dates, it looks like my first full length novel, but it’s my second. Time Agency was in the hands of a major publisher in consideration for publication, so I wrote Playlist mainly for something to do while waiting (Time Agency was ultimately rejected 2 ½ years later).

But the second novel curse, is actually a term I borrowed from the music industry called the second album curse. A lot of musical artists over the years have released second albums that are complete duds. Or even if they are pretty good, they are nowhere near as good as the first album. There are exceptions of course. Lucky or brilliant people who have killer second records, but even Metallica, who escaped the second album curse with hits like Fade to Black, has some of their worst songs on that album. There are other musical acts that aren’t so lucky, and the second album is also their last album and typically get dumped into the one hit wonders category.

There’s a reason why the second album curse exists, and it’s purely manufactured by the music industry. When a band gets signed by a record company, they have usually been working on that first album for years, playing it in bars, tweaking the songs here and there, making revisions, and perfecting it. So, when they get signed and that first album gets put in the studio, they have worked on it for years, they have put so much into it, and that’s why there are a lot of really good songs on that first one. But then that second one comes. They are on contract, they’ve been touring, they’ve been doing interviews, events, and they’ve been in a whirlwind. They are then dumped in a studio and have to write a bunch of songs very quickly.

This process of squeezing out the album while the market and the band is hot, is why so many second albums fail. They don’t have nearly the same amount of time to practice and put their soul into writing the songs, and they are exhausted from their success. Many bands don’t make it. Go back to your favorite era of music, look for the one hit wonders, and for their second album, you’ll see what I mean.

On a side note, this is why I think The Beatles were one of the best bands of all time, they not only produced fantastic albums each time, but they did it all within 7 years, 1963-1970. Even if you don’t like The Beatles, you have to respect that they did what they did in a 7-year span. It’s no wonder they broke up, I don’t know anyone who can truly sustain that lifestyle.

Anyway, I think Playlist of the Ancient Dead suffered the second book curse, not because I had an executive hounding me to write another and giving crazy short deadlines considering how long it took me to write Time Agency, but rather because I was putting pressure on myself. At the time, I was thinking because the publisher took time to send me an email to say they were considering my book (not a form one mind you, the editor from the company gave me his email and phone number), I thought I was so close to having a writing career, I could feel it.

I kept myself up worrying that if the editor asked, “what else you got?” I’d say, “Nothing.” I had also heard of this thing called self-publishing and wanted to try it out (the publisher had a one submission under consideration at a time rule, so I couldn’t have submitted Playlist anyway). It was mainly me, treating myself, as if I already had a writing career when I didn’t.

And I suppose that’s how it’s always been, that’s the secret of writing 30+ books, treat it like it is your career when it’s not. We don’t always want to do our day jobs, but we do because we have bills to pay, roofs over our head, etc. I’ve always written because I have readers waiting (even if it’s only a few), or series to complete, something I want to express, or a story I want to tell. The way for me to do all that is to do it even when I want to do it the least.

Now I don’t overwork myself like I used to. I now take at least one month a year off writing. When my family wants to do something while I’m writing, I shut down my computer and come back to it. I still don’t play as many video games as I could, but I’m getting better at allowing myself some gaming time. But back when I wrote Playlist, I did nothing else until the book was completed. I thought, “This is it. This is my time to shine.”

And what I got was a cool premise for a story, but poor execution, not enough character development, could use another round of editing, etc. In fact, if I was vainer, I’d probably have depublished it long ago. But I’m a little weird in the sense that whenever I hear that terrible song from Ride the Lightning by Metallica (you know the one I’m talking about, it’s like their worse song), I think to myself, wow even Metallica sometimes doesn’t do it perfectly.

I personally like to know that authors who are heralded for writing masterpieces like Stephen King also have that clunker that’s left out of all the biographies. So, if I ever write a masterpiece one day, or hell, I’ll settle for a book that can pay my house payment, my clunker is still out there to show the world that I to work for it.

I’m glad I was able to rescue the idea of the warehouse from the book and bestow it into the Carnt universe, as well as make up for some missed opportunities when naming characters from that place.

It’s funny, there’s an unfinished novel on my computer in the Playlist of the Ancient Dead universe that may have been a sequel or may have been just a rewrite of the original. Mainly because I wanted the warehouse idea to really get its due. I never finished it because my heart was never in writing a sequel nor do I really like to go back and rewrite things that are published.

If I make a mistake, I like to take what I learned and put that into the next novel. I think that’s why what I write gets better and better because I put what I learn into the next one, and there are a lot of years (and books) between Playlist and Carnt 4. I’m excited to finally given that concept what it deserves, but in a way that preserves the heart of the story.

Thanks for being here. 

Books to Consider

There’s a cache of magical weapons that just might save the world from an apocalypse that could leave both Earth and Carnt in ruins.

Read The Golden Assault Rifle today!

Imagine if “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” ran off with a Mills & Boon paperback, detoured through Discworld, picked up a battered Lonely Planet from 1998, and tuned in to The Spice Girls on the way.

Read Cyberchicks in Love today!

Five ordinary lives. One extraordinary transformation. A world hanging in the balance.

Read The Volcan Council today!

Before I start, a Fantasy Book Sale and Free Dystopian Novels.

Why do that same boring old barbecue every year? Paper plates, potato salad, and hot dogs may work for some people, but not for a hardcore fantasy lover like yourself. Why not try some unique ways for some holiday fun only half of which will get you arrested? 

1. Village Sacking Party – Why settle for an AirBNB in a picturesque small town when you can dress like orcs, vikings, the evil sheriff and raid the village! Add some life to that sleepy little town when you rush in at first light with swords and torches!

2. Elven Healing Magic Tent – Move over faith healers, Galadriel or her best lookalike is here with her Elven mysticism and cryptic words to heal the sick. “The woods as the crow beckons with light and behold the grotto, your legs are healed” you can say when putting your hand on a man in a wheelchair you planted in the audience.

3. Elevenses – Because everyone should have elevenses.

4. Horn Party – The neighborhood will love this one whether it’s Gondor, Helm’s Deep, Valere or any of those army summoning devices, it’s bound to be a good time. Especially if you can combine it with the Village Sacking Party. 

5. Bloodsport Lawn Games – Horseshoe? Cornhole? Bocce ball? Put spice into that barbeque with some real jousting and wailing on each other with flails. Your guest will love being splattered with blood while they eat their hot dogs.

6. Ancient Demonic Summoning Spell – This one’s almost a no brainer. Ancient deities slumbering that will one day devour the world will be the life of any party! While waiting for the VIP to arrive it will be a barrel of laughs when one of your guests is possessed by the entity, spouts curses, and ancient ruins appear on their skin.

7. Dwarven Tavern Brawl – It’s almost expected. I wouldn’t be surprised if the pub owner didn’t kick you out for not brawling. “You dwarves are way too well behaved! Get out of here before I throw you out!”

8. Overly Complicated Sporting Event – Make up your own fantasy sports with incomprehensibly complicated rules. So that way when everyone else is confused as to what is going on, you can say things like “Well it’s only a point if he hits the bludger but not unless she gets the golden snitch but they have to avoid the thrust and get the three willies, but not before 3rd turn spin, but by that time it’s all late drive. Know what I mean?”

9. Final Fantasy X-2 rock concert – People flying around on disks, wailing on guitars, and inexplicably being able to hold their breath for freaking hours or something like that during strenuous activity… I mean the party will be unforgettable.

10. Wizarding Duel Beach Party – What better than Gandalf and Saruman dueling? Gandalf and Saruman dueling in a speedo. I’ll just leave you with that visual image.

Books to Consider

There’s a cache of magical weapons that just might save the world from an apocalypse that could leave both Earth and Carnt in ruins.

Read The Golden Assault Rifle and Other Weapons of Mass Destruction today!

Not chosen for magical college and surrounded by a gaggle of blue bunnies? What’s a witchy Hollywood brat to do?

Read Hollywood Ghost Trip today!

When a mangy-looking flamingo is stolen from the zoo, Lowan is called in to investigate.

Read The Great Flamingo Robbery today!

Technology accelerates human evolution … Yet extinction draws near …

Read Wilderness Five today!

In this tale of space opera and cosmic adventure, the Ambassador of a mysterious and ancient family must forge a path through chaos to overcome the terrible enemies that desire humanity’s destruction.

Read The Survivors today!

As torn petals of a rose fall, a hero must rise in a race against destiny.

Read Wedding of the Torn Rose today!

In a covert survival test that pushes nerves and grit to their limits, proving herself worthy of the Space Girl mantle against impossible odds.

Read Green’s Good Day today!

Before we start: An LGTBQ All Genre Giveaway and a Sci Fi/Fantasy Giveaway.

At long last, the 4th Misfits of Carnt novel is here and the tension is really ratcheting up in this one. As you know, the series is about endings and beginnings. And now we are square in the middle of that story. For this one, I really wanted to pay out some threads that I planted in the first couple novels about the nature of Carnt, its relation to Earth, and how the landscape will forever change.

While inspiration for the series was wanting to see the “Breaking of the World” from the Wheel of Time” series, an event so significant it alters everything, even the landscape, I also was inspired because we were watching The Magicians. I love The Magicians, I’ve already seen it twice through, and it probably won’t be the last time I watch the series. Now, I haven’t read the books yet, it’s on my audiobook wishlist, but there’s a part of me that hesitates, only because I heard that the Magicians books are really nothing like the TV series.

I completely respect Lev Grossman, the writer. Without him, the TV series wouldn’t have been possible, but there is a part of me that has some trepidation about going to the books after falling in love with the TV series. There’s a weird fear that I won’t find what I found in the show, when the reality is that I’ll probably love the books too, and it will be just more Magicians, which is a good thing.

Is it better to leave the cat inside the box for fear of being disappointed or let the cat out because it very well may be alive and better than the TV show ever was? You already know my thoughts that collective art is in a lot of ways better than any one single human can do (ie Silo series), but there are also times when collective art fails. There are TV shows based on books that fail in the first season, where you wonder if they ever read the book they were making the show about.

That’s why I haven’t read the Magicians yet. It feels like an unknown quantity. I do want to say that at least in the TV show, Fillory is one of the best parts. It’s a unique rich fantasy world, but also a parody of Narnia among other fantasy worlds, though I would say it’s heaviest in Narnia. And well, if you are reading this email you probably know that I’m a big comedy blended into fiction fan. 

That’s what Carnt is for me. It’s primarily a parody of Middle Earth from the Tolkien world, as Fillory is to Narnia. While the Magicians takes it a step further and ties a meta narrative about the writer of Fillory also being a participant of the world, I didn’t want a meta narrator as I was already weaving so much into so few pages. But I did parody events like Sauron waiting in his tower for something to happen, elves and dwarves, the party coming together, and even a little Harry Potter with the third book.

But now that events are getting more serious in the story line, the jokes are getting further in between and the characters are going through some deep shit, which is kinda what happened in the Magicians. The story started off like Harry Potter but in grad school, and the humor elements were high (yes double meaning, get it?), but as the story progressed even the characters like Elliot and Margo, who by far were the most entertaining in the first season, got all serious with emotional plotlines.

That’s what’s happening here too in Book 4 of the Misfits of Carnt. What seemed maybe not as serious is suddenly threatening. This one will tighten those screws as the story careens to the ending. If you liked the others, you’ll love this one too. There may not be as many jokes, but its definitely heading to the end, but not yet, there are still more books to come in this series, but with Office Maxi, and another super-secret project I’m writing, I can probably only get to one Carnt book a year. But I will finish them. I don’t like leaving a series unfinished. It just takes me a while because I want to do it right.

Books to Consider

A cache of magical weapons just might save the world from an apocalypse that could leave both Earth and Carnt in ruins.

Read The Golden Assault Rifle today!

Above the cliffs where the sea meets the sky, Fauna weaves life into existence.

Read Breath today!

The Fimmara convoy carries a treasure. It’s well guarded and impossible to steal. But Jac Kanto is determined.

Read The Fimmara Raid today!

Commander Sorăna Mirra has spent years leading a hand-picked team of marine special operators.

Read The Blade Within today!

Liv at the End of the World is a funny, absurd and hopeful story, sure to make you laugh and cry.

Read Liv at the End of the World today!

Kayn dreams of a world beyond the shelter walls, a world full of sin—yet he yearns for its freedom.

Read Wine & Smoke today!

In this tale of space opera and cosmic adventure, the Ambassador of a mysterious and ancient family must forge a path through chaos to overcome the terrible enemies that desire humanity’s destruction.

Read The Survivors today!

Before I start, free Sci Fi and Fantasy books. On with today’s fun:

In my last email, I had a throw away joke about adjusting If I Had $1000000 for inflation. I thought I’d maybe give it a try. With a 23-year-old song (27 if you count when they wrote it), there has been lots of people who have done the math on whether or not one million dollars would actually buy all the stuff mentioned in the song. I feel all of them miss a fun opportunity in the calculation.

Most of them settle for a replica of John Merrick’s remains, citing that there isn’t really a way to buy the bones. However, because they are being held at the Royal London Hospital, I propose that there is a way to “buy” John Merrick’s remains, and that my friends, is a well-planned heist, worthy of a Ocean’s 11 movie.  

However, since I don’t know how much a heist would cost, I did a little research and found that most heists in Grand Theft Auto 5 costs between $25,000-$100,000. Completely within the $1000000 budget of the heist. However, video games are not like real life, so for the house, the chesterfield, craft dinner, I’m going to go as cheap as possible.

They didn’t specify where the house was located. Most assume Toronto because that’s where the band is from, which blows most of the budget on the first purchase. I’m gonna go with a ruin in Italy which I can get for $20k Euros, $30kish American. No one said the house had to be renovated or even livable. The tree fort in the yard can be built with the ruins so $0. Okay fine maybe old stones aren’t the best for trees. So maybe $500 on materials with as much repurposing as possible. So, $35500.

Let’s be generous for a faux green dress, faux fur coat, Kraft dinner, mini-fridge, Dijon Ketchup, those could all be easily purchased for less than $1000 if I’m going to thrift/budget stores. Probably even less, but let’s make it $36.5k Since I don’t have to buy the Chesterfield because the “or” in the song, I’ll use a rock in the ruin for the ottoman or make one with leftover treehouse materials.

So, I’m left with k-car, llama or emu, monkey, limousine, and art (Picasso or Garfunkel) all of which can be used in a heist, so it’ll come from the nearly million dollars we have left for the heist. First off, any good heist deserves a getaway vehicle, and since we are buying a k-car, might as well use it to get away. Now I always thought it was a k-car, but turns out there is a class of car in Japan called a Kei car that is pronounced like the letter k. They are reliable and the smallest class of street legal vehicle. So, I’m guessing Kei car is the car in question. Which I can get used for $10k bringing my total to $46.5k.

Now, Kei cars aren’t fast, topping out at 80 mph or less (130 kmh), so there won’t be any driving on the walls of sewers Italian Job style with our tiny car, but it doesn’t need to go fast. In England, the speed limit tops at 112 kmh (about 70 mph). Obeying traffic laws and speed limits will help the getaway not get pulled over by chance, so a Kei is good as any, and reliability is good to have here. I don’t imagine what the conversation would be like to explain to the tow truck driver why you have John Merrick’s remains in your back seat.

Now that we have our car. We need a crew. Unfortunately, this is a little hard to research. I figured an art thief would be the best person to get all them crazy elephant bones because breaking into a hospital would probably be the same as a museum. When I attempt to find “the price of an art thief” and other variations of the search, I get an AI reminding me that art theft is illegal and has serious consequences. Which if I had the intelligence of a twig and searched on the internet for how to plan a heist and then actually committing the heist, I would be leaving law enforcement officials an invitation to my door (even in incognito mode). So, I would like to take the time to explain this post in no way condones the stealing of John Merrick’s remains or any theft and is purely a satirical fiction exercise of how to spend a million dollars in the Barenaked Ladies song. So, I don’t need AI telling me it’s illegal. I know that, but I just need more information. However, no matter how I phrased the search, the AI wasn’t going to give up, between sales pages of “The Art Thief” and other generally useless information, I gave up on my search to find the price of hiring an art thief.

Which is sad for writers, as I’m sure many writers of crime novels probably have a search history that would make a person think they are up to no good, when the reality is that writers just want accuracy in their work. I remember hearing a story about how search results were used to track down a guy through food orders who also happened to be researching how to dispose of a body. When they got to his door, it turned out he was a writer on a very popular crime TV show. I can’t imagine what AI is doing to those writers now. But I digress, if you want a fiction (both movie and book) about the dangers of preventing crime before they happen, check out the Minority Report by Philip K Dick.

Since there really wasn’t any information I could find about hiring an art thief, and also not having the time or resources to do some hardcore investigative journalism and interview art thieves in prison (I’m a fiction writer, we mostly make shit up). I decided to base my hiring price of the thief based on the value of the heists in the past. Some of the higher profile art thefts in history were estimated between 500 million and 2 billion dollars. Which even if I spend the entire 1 million on the best thief in the world that would earn them 0.2% of value of a heist they could do on their own.

And you don’t ever one to skimp on hired thug wages. I mean they know about the whole thing and could throw you under the bus for a plea deal, or they can blackmail you. The point is that if you hire someone to do your dirty work, the pay must reflect A. not just stealing the item for themselves or B. make them feel so cheated that they rat you out or get revenge on you.

0.2% is not going to attract the best talent in the world, so maybe some pretty good talent. Which I think I have found. In January of 2006, Sripuranthan Chola Idols were stolen from a temple and were sold to the National Gallery of Australia for $5.1 million. Luckily the Australians knew it was stolen and handed them back to India. But if I were to offer the thief 9.8% of 5.1 million dollars that’s a cool 500k. I think that’s enough for the person to keep their yap shut.

So, we got the Sripuranthan thief, the getaway car, and we still need a llama or an emu and monkey, limousine, and art (Picasso or Garfunkel) and have only spent $546.5k so far. Now, I know what you are thinking, the person you hired is an art thief, so steal the Picasso. That would mean another heist since John Merrick’s remains are at the Royal London Hospital which I doubt would have any Picassos, maybe a replica but I don’t want to bank on it. So, I may as well hire Art Garfunkel as my distraction.

Okay so Art is in his 80’s at the time of writing this, but that doesn’t stop him. His last album was 2024, so imagine $100-$200k or since it’s at a hospital, I bet I can convince him it’s for charity (we’ve already established the lack of morals in the scheme so why not just make it worse). So, let’s go with $200k to play a couple songs, maybe the Sound of Silence for ironic crossfades while the heist goes on.

We can set up Mr. Garfunkel on the helipad on top. Get all the eyes looking up, while my art thief is sneaking out of a parking garage in a Kei car. Now here’s the brilliant part of the plan. You thought the Garfunkel concert was the distraction, but it’s really the llama, emu, and monkey. We can unleash them into the crowd while Mr. Garfunkel is playing. Exotic animals can be rented from the film industry for about $10,000 for primates. I’m sure the emu and llama are less expensive, but we got some cash left, so let’s throw $50k at the animal handler to have an “accident” and let the animals go free for a while.

You know a llama, monkey, and emu terrorizing (or most likely being terrorized) at a folk concert is immediately pull out your cellphones newsworthy. For while all the world is distracted, John Merrick’s remains could be snuck out the back. Now. It’s just getting them into Italy, which is accessible by car. So maybe Kei car swaps at a parking garage to keep the authorities off the trail, and maybe even some driving around in sewers on the walls (we couldn’t resist) and a few bribes, paying people to look the other way and there goes the rest of the million dollars.

And if Interpol needs to find us, we’ll be in a ruin in Italy enjoying Kraft dinner while gazing upon John Merrick’s actual remains. But don’t worry, I saved enough for limousine trip to the store where we probably are going to buy a tent and camp stove, because we were crunching on hard noodles before. But that’s post the song and like any great heist, screw long term planning!

Books to Consider

When unassuming Toby stumbles upon an ancient prophecy, he’s thrust into a quest for powerful magical weapons that could save all of humanity from a devastating worldwide apocalypse. A humorous, adventure-filled fantasy!

Read the Golden Assault Rifle and Other Weapons of Mass Destruction today!

In the near future, asteroid prospectors—rock hoppers—risk everything mining the belt.

Read Blowups Happen! today!

Eighteen-year-old Becca is a regular kid. At least on the outside.

Read Becca Princess of Sona today!

Two empires. One planet. Rule the planet. Rule the universe.

Read Specter today!

In this tale of space opera and cosmic adventure, the Ambassador of a mysterious and ancient family must forge a path through chaos to overcome the terrible enemies that desire humanity’s destruction.

Read The Survivors today!

Before we begin, a massive independent book sale. Many books, including mine are cheap or free. If you want to buy mine and a bunch of others in a bundle there is a Mid Range Bundle and a Fantasy Bundle. Finally, a different Sci Fi and Fantasy sale with 5 of my books.

I didn’t realize the effects of age on my body until you try to do something that would have been no problem in my twenties but thoroughly exhausting at middle age. As I mentioned a while back, we wanted to take my son to his first concert, mainly to see Fastball with the Barenaked Ladies being a bonus. This was because after this nightly ritual of exposing our son to a variety of genres, artists, and styles of music, Fastball has risen to the top as his favorite songs, dethroning Taylor Swift, classical music, the Bangles, Janis Joplin, and even The Scorpions as measure by the amount of time he requests it.

A pilgrimage to see a concert was easy in my early years. Spending my teen and early twenties in Albuquerque, we’d have to drive either to Denver or Phoenix to see most shows. For whatever reason perhaps fear of left turns, most concert tours skipped Albuquerque. My friends and I would often find ourselves in Phoenix for a show and driving back the next day. I even remember a time where we decided on a road trip to Vegas at 10 pm at night and rolled into Vegas around 8 am.

The point is when I was young, it was easy to travel. The first time I realized that the breakneck get there for the show, and get back might not be the best thing was sometime in my 30’s when one of my best friends and I went to Denver for the Mars Volta and decided to drive back that same night to save on a hotel. It was about 3 or 4 am when we were too exhausted to drive and pulled into a rest stop somewhere in northern New Mexico that seemed like it aught to have the name massacre after it.

While were never massacred for sleeping in a rest area in the middle of the desert, I did learn that I’m not a spry as I used to be. Now that I’m approaching 50, the whirlwind adventure really took a toll. The aforementioned Fastball/Barenaked Ladies concert was taking place at Redrocks in the Denver area. My aunt lives in Northern Colorado so we figured that we could stay at her house, which she was all too excited to host.

However, what we didn’t account for after buying the tickets was the fact that we would be getting back from a trip for my day job, 36 hours before we needed to leave for the concert. Before this concert was even on the radar we had planned a family vacation to Philadelphia. I was going there for a conference, and we have a policy that personal travel could be booked if it’s cheaper or same as traveling on the conference dates. We’d stay in the hotel when work was paying for it, and switch to an Airbnb, great plan. It all worked out, until we realized that our plan lands at 11 pm on a Saturday, our kitties boarded by the vet can only be picked up between 10 am and 11 am on Sundays, and the concert was a Tuesday. Also, I have limited time I can take off work, just used a bunch in Philadelphia.

The plan when we bought the tickets was we’ll drive out Saturday, stay with my aunt a few days and drive back Wednesday and it got shortened to drive out Monday, drive back Wednesday, after already being tired from traveling for over a week. As any experienced traveler knows, sleeping is never better than in your own bed.

We saw the show and almost got to meet Fastball (who said they’d be at the merch tent, and we realized too late there were 2 merch tents), but it worked out fine anyways because I talked to them afterwards via Instagram to tell them how much their music means to my son. Which is a strange time we live in where celebrities are accessible to common folk like me and probably worthy of a whole other essay topic.

But the real trial of my middle-aged body was yet to come, the drive home. Which was longer because we stayed at a hotel near the concert venue, not to mention Denver traffic. I’m pretty sure Denver likes to pretend its some quaint little mountain town, but it’s the only place in America where I’m sure they could do a race Cars Versus People and the people would have a good chance at winning! I can walk faster than I can drive on most Denver highways.

We began our day on the drive home in the murk of bumper-to-bumper traffic hoping to get through Denver as quickly as possible, which is at the pace of a leisurely stroll. Finally, about 2 miles from the Wyoming border, traffic lets up, and well there is nothing. I mean a whole lot of nothing. The University of New Mexico, where I went to school has more students that live in towns in Wyoming. With 80 mph speed limits (that’s 128 kmh who live in countries with sensible measuring systems), you will miss seeing a town if your attention wanes even for a moment.

Me: I wonder if the Barenaked Ladies will have to adjust If I had a 1000000 Dollars for inflation? Wait was that Cheyenne?

At about 4 pm when we reach Sheridan Wyoming, I have a moment at a rest stop where I wonder how much a hotel costs. My wife apparently had the same thought about being ready to be done with the drive. Both of us wouldn’t even considered it in our 20s. 4 pm is an interesting number because it means so many things pending on your age. Lucky for you, I’ve made a chart.

4 PM Chart (that’s 16:00 for those of you in sensible measuring countries)

0-10: Yay! Mommy!

10-20: A few hours before mom comes home.

20-30: Breakfast time? Lunch time? I don’t know anymore

30-40: I wonder if they have any drink specials

40-50: Can we be done? It’s time for the day to be done.

50-60: No one will notice if I sneak in a few rounds at the course

60-70: Maybe a few cocktails at the golf course

70-80: Dinnertime

80+: Bedtime

But the day wasn’t done for us. We still had to get through Montana, which is even more spread out that Wyoming. People think Nevada is where the government stores all the alien bodies. Aliens could homestead in Montana and no one would notice.

Clee: Glorp, why aren’t the deer and antelope playing?

Glorp: I tried to get them to play, but I incinerated them.

Clee: Oh Glorp, I can’t take you anywhere.

Glorp: You know that planetary destruction bomb that you told be never to press the red button?

Clee: Yes?

Glorp: I pressed the red button.

Clee: I guess we’ll just have to move back to Andromeda.

Laughtrack. Queue opening credit sequence for hapless but well-meaning alien.

It was driving through the great wilds of nothing, when I started falling asleep and my wife said it was getting harder and harder to concentrate on driving (we had been switching off all day). By the time we got to Billings, we were so tired that when she asked me what gas station was at the exit, I said a Holiday. But it was this weird exit as most of them are in Billings where stuff advertised on the sign weren’t on the road crossing the freeway, but further in.

So, I did what any sleep deprived, exhausted travel would do and looked around for the advertised Holiday, and my wife after a bit of driving said, “Um, okay, so where is the Holiday?”

To which I said, “I don’t know. I don’t see it.”

Her: You didn’t look on your phone?

Me: No, I just kinda looked.

Her: But you have a phone!

Me: Oh yeah. I do. Hey look, we passed it. It’s down in that direction.

I point to the right away from where we are driving.

Luckily, before we could get demoralized any further, we saw it. The hallowed welcome halls of affordable hot dogs, and bulk egg products, Costco, not only did they have gas, but we wanted to stop at a grocery store before we got home (still three hours away at this point), and $4.50 to feed a family of three. It was a reprieve from the exhaustion we were both feeling.

At that point we were seriously considering packing it in, getting a hotel and driving back in the morning, not enough time to take off work be damned! It was the closest I ever came to giving up on a road trip. Even sleeping at the rest stop after the Mars Volta concert didn’t feel like giving up because we originally planned to get a hotel. The hype feeling you get after a concert prompted us to leave Denver the same night. So, getting to the rest stop was a triumph.

Sitting in the Billings Costco, felt like a defeat, my aging body finally won. I could no longer do a road trip with about 24 hours total of driving in two days. We were going to get a hotel, but there was something about the Costco, its ability to rejuvenate and refresh. If scholars years from now figure that capitalism was some sort of early human religion, then Costco would be the Mecca, the holy temple, the whatever it is Mormons are hiding in the bunkers under those golden trumpeters.

Years from now, when our culture is gone and these words are dust, Costco would be sacred ground and strangely a good place for a rest for weary travelers because after the Costco stop, which added an hour to our already long journey, we found the will to move on. Also, caffeine, I drank a diet soda, which I know is wimpy of the caffeine scale, but when your stomach roils like a Yellowstone geyser every time you drink a caffeinated product, you have a tendency not to drink it all that often. So, when I do have it, it probably feels like what an overdose victim feels after getting a hit of Narcan.

That is to say hyped up on caffeine, fueled by massive $1.50 hot dogs, and a car full of Costco food, I was ready to get back on the road, which I could barely see because of the sun in my eye. So yeah, getting old sucks. Gone are the days of driving all day and all night to get to where I want to be. But there’s a positive side to it too. For the next time, we road trip, we plan to do some overnight stops in between, and I’ll get to places that I never thought I’d see, especially if I was thinking about Barenaked Ladies lyrics while I was driving through them.

Books to Consider

When unassuming Toby stumbles upon an ancient prophecy, he’s thrust into a quest for powerful magical weapons that could save all of humanity from a devastating worldwide apocalypse. A humorous, adventure-filled fantasy!

Read the Golden Assault Rifle and Other Weapons of Mass Destruction today!

It’s a new kind of war. When you see them… it’s too late. But Byllard Iddo is a new kind of commander… and he’s about to become a legend.

Read The Dark Sea War Chronicles today!

En un futuro donde la tecnología lo es todo, la supervivencia pende de un hilo y la inteligencia artificial es el arma definitiva.

Read La Firma Del Cisne today!

530+ pages. 90,000 Words. Endless Laughter.

Read The Galaxy of Comedy today!

Vandryn of house Glenclare faces insurmountable odds fighting against the corrupt Melborians.

Read Brothers of Chaos today!

Before I start, free books involving birds, (I’m not joking).

Also my friend Chris had me on his show Liminal Spaces. We talk my top 10 favorite books of all time, a little about my writing, and fun game we used to play called scare game. You should check it out.

A couple months ago, I did a survey to ask you about what content you like to see on the list. A lot of you said you want my Personal Stories, Funny Lists, with In-depth Book Info and Futurism posts, and the message was loud and clear, keep political views to myself (though I imagine it wouldn’t take a political scholar to figure out which way I lean). So, I’ll try to write at least one personal story, one funny list, one in depth book info, and one Futurism and science article each book release.

In case you are wondering, I only write new emails every time I release a book. The reason you are getting them once a week is because I have an auto sender that sends out a message weekly of everything I’ve written since starting the list. So, you can tell when it’s book release time because you’ll get two emails from me in one week. Then after the new email comes out I pop it on the auto queue so new people on the list can get the classics like 25 Cult Ideas (which I wrote in 2010 but still continues to amuse years later). You can also generally tell what book I was promoting when I originally wrote the email (with some exceptions, when I switched to Sendfox, I had to redo some of the headers and footers because it didn’t migrate over).

I sometimes like to put books (like Office Maxi) up to the top of the autoqueue because it would take years for new subscribers to get to those via the auto emails), so that may explain why some of you may have gotten the same email twice. It depends on where you are on the queue and when I plop it in. However, if you get the original email, and then the autoqueue email that will be the last time you’ll ever get that particular one, because when someone finally gets to the end. I have a little joke for you (some of you OG subscribers when I switched from Mailerlite to Sendfox are getting close to end). Anyway, if you get to the end, and want to go through it all again, let me know.

The rest of the survey, like all my surveys, asked about your reactions to a silly scenario, which was based on a real-life event that happened to me (no, not the alien part). Basically, it was a survey about what you’d do if you were sitting in your car and saw people running then found out it was aliens.

Basically, I was sitting in my car after having come down the Rio Rancho hill at the intersection of 528 and Ellison Road (which also happens to be where my high school is located). For those unfamiliar with the Rio Rancho hill, it’s steep and short and I’ve gotten my car going pretty fast down that thing just by coasting and very shortly after you get to the bottom there is a traffic light.

Now, if you are like me, I have a guess that you are at least a little because you read my books, you’ve seen your fair share of disaster and apocalypse movies. You’ve probably seen aliens zap major cities in Independence Day or the world freeze in Day After Tomorrow, and maybe even saw the lava apocalypse, whatever the hell that was of 2012. I have a personal unscientific theory that people are being trained by those movies and fiction in general to look at what are people running from, not what are they running toward.

Case in point, when I was minding my own business, listening to Metallica or whatever heavy metal music I was into at the time, I saw a bunch of people get out of their cars and run. Seriously, it was at a red light and people were just getting out of their cars and running. My first instinct (trained by Hollywood disaster films) was to turn around and see what they were running from and if you think I’m unique 89% of you who took my survey said you’d do the exact same thing, turn to see what people are running from. The other more sensible 13% decided to put the pedal to the metal and drive away.

I’m pretty sure all of us have seen the movies and know what to do in that scenario. I’m sure you’re wondering, what would cause a bunch of people to get out of their cars and run at a traffic light in Albuquerque? When I looked behind me, did I see a dragon burning the hilltops? A megatsunami that made it from the coast to the high desert of New Mexico? A portal with orc armies rushing out? Or maybe it was aliens or undead?

It was nothing. There was nothing behind me but more cars piling up to the intersection wondering why traffic was halted. However, when I turned to see what people were running toward, it all suddenly made sense, why people all got out of their car at the same time and started running.  

Because I was playing loud music, I failed to hear the car that must have been going pretty fast down that hill (that curves by the way, so you don’t see the traffic light until you’re close). They must have swerved to avoid plowing into us people stopped at the light and went off the side of the road and flipped a couple times. There was a banged up black camaro upside down not more than a car length or two from where I was sitting. The people getting out of their car and running were doing it to check on the driver who I noticed was thankfully wearing his seatbelt and sitting stunned upside down in his car.

By the time I realized what was happening, there were plenty of people at the scene with cell phones out calling emergency services, so at the point where I discovered the tragedy, I was just another rubbernecker holding up traffic and decided to continue on my way. But I think about that day and wonder if movies taught me to look at what people are running from rather than what they are running towards. What I witnessed that day was a whole lot of people helping another person in need and not an alien apocalypse.

As for the survey, it was aliens, and the responses were pretty split evenly from people jazzed about aliens coming for a visit to those heading for their weapon filled bunkers and those who wish they were here to take that one politician away (you know who I’m talking about). Including a few of you just ready to fall in love with the alien who looks human, but glows occasionally and have a Hallmark Christmas movie affair. 

When I reveal that the aliens are here to harvest Earth’s one unique natural resource K-pop artists, 100% of you said, “finally :)” I’ll let you interpret the results on your own on what that means. And finally, I got some questions from all of you that I will answer in a future Ask Me Anything Email (psst… there is still time to ask me more questions if you want).

Also, drumroll, Misfits of Carnt 4 is out. Get it direct from me or at your favorite online vendor.

Mount Hood bellows an unnatural smoke while Toby stumbles upon a cavern with an ancient prophecy. The pictographs feature his friends, the real heroes. He had always thought he was a supporting role. Until he saw an image of himself holding a powerful artifact.

Meanwhile, the moon mage Jenny cuts a deal with Petra to resolve her death problem. But like all deals with the lunar wizard, there’s a catch with a cost that may not be worth the price of her life.

Turns out there’s a cache of magical weapons that just might save the world from an apocalypse that could leave both Earth and Carnt in ruins.

Read Misfits of Carnt 4 today!

Books to Consider

They told him peace was worth any cost. Even genocide.

Read Ashes of Xyphos today!

Before we start, I got a buck of Sci Fi and Fantasy authors who share their books about going on journeys.

Time Burrito 5 is off the hook. It is by far one of the weirdest books I’ve ever written. When I wrote the Time Burrito novel, Amazon had this program called Kindle Scout. It was a user vote publishing deal. I didn’t win, but remember doing pretty good. I mean I got a hand typed email as to why my book wasn’t selected, instead of a form rejection letter.

Anyway, for Kindle Scout, I had to answer this question:

What is the inspiration for the story?

Here was my answer at the time: “For this story, I decided to lock up the internal critic that told me, ‘No, don’t write that, that’s stupid.’ I wanted to write the most ridiculous story that I possibly could. A time travel burrito story with a cat pretty much covered the stupid quota. The rest of the story just fell into place.”

I knew if I was going to end Time Burrito and write the last book, I had to go back to that original mission statement. What’s the most ridiculous story that I could possibly write? It’s been 8 years and I’m a way better writer than I was back then. I also knew that if I was going to go for absurd, I was going to have to go all in. I needed to write something so crazy that it made Time Burrito 1 look conventional.

So that’s what I did. It’s the first book where not only do the characters break the 4th wall but they kick it down. I appear as a character in my own book. Throw some Misfits of Carnt and Office Maxi characters into the story? Sure! Why not? What about all the wacky people our intrepid time traveling gang has met over the years. They’re there too!

My goal for this book was to have it read like an AI fever dream, but be completely written by a human. I wouldn’t be surprised if people do accuse me of using AI for this book because it’s just that weird. But I assure you. I wrote every word of this parody that is almost a parody of the Time Burrito series itself.

The funny thing is that I didn’t realize that this book needed to be weird until a part of the way in. When I first started writing it, the beginning was a lot like all the other novels. Introduce some sort of time travel plot, wackiness ensues, characters save the day. But I shelved it because it felt too conventional, too much like what you’ve already read, and I felt book 4 was already the best Time Burrito novel. It’s like what George Lucas must have felt when he went to make the Star Wars prequels. “How am I going to top that?” (Spoiler alert, he didn’t).

But then, I suddenly realized, this one needs to be like the first, no filters, no stops. Just a piece of comedic art. I know that I’m not going to please everyone with this book. For those of you who think, “he should have stopped at 4.” Then here’s a short short story for you.

JB and roboClara are sucked into a time portal and die. The end.

Or if that is dissatisfying, grab your copy of Time Burrito 4 and cut out the Epilogue. It’s unnecessary to the ending.

However, if you are ready for the weird, outlandish, and incredible, then stick around for Time Burrito 5. I can promise that it will be unlike anything you’ve read.

And now that I got that out of my system, I can go back to my more conventional series like Office Maxi and Misfits of Carnt.

Also, you can get all five Time Burrito books for over 50% off, and that’s only through me.

Books to Consider

The entirety of existence is collapsing. Luckily, the multiverse has Clara, Pete, Unk, and Misako.

Read Time Burrito 5 today!

Immerse yourself in “The Skull Collector,” a short story set in a Pacific Islander village where ancient rituals and haunting secrets collide.

Read The Skull Collector today!

Being a slave in ancient Rome is bad. Being a slave and a one-legged assassin? Even worse.

Read Scipio the Sciapod today!