Kimberly Rouse's Blog: MY STORY, BETRAYED BY GOD

Have you ever had the thought, "How could a God that is supposed to be good and loving allow bad things to happen?" I certainly have thought that. But you must be very careful with that question or any like it. God is Sovereign and He does not play concerning His Sovereignty. I did go to God one time, very humbly, and asked Him why He allowed and allows children and women to be raped. His answer was, "Please do not ask Me that question. Please trust Me. You need to understand there are things that will happen in this life that you will not understand until you come to heaven." I said, "Ok, God, I choose to trust You."

In my time with the Lord this morning He showed me a very clear picture of a plant I have. I bought some hyacinth bulbs that had already started sprouting about a week ago. I planted them in a pot I had and set them in direct sunlight outside. The other day I noticed that someone or something had disturbed the dirt in my pot and one of the bulbs was mostly uncovered and there were holes in the dirt that shouldn't be there. I quickly fixed the dirt and headed out to where we needed to go. Yesterday as we were leaving to go to church, I noticed that the dirt had been disturbed again, this time not as bad. I ran inside and got some long toothpicks and stuck them in the dirt to try to keep what ever was/is from messing up my plants again.

God showed me that plant in my mind this morning as I was praying. Here's what He caused me to understand.

God calls us trees of righteousness in His word. Well, trees mostly do not grow without being planted in dirt. Notice I said "PLANTED" in dirt. Not just thrown in dirt. They don't just have a little dirt thrown on them. The dirt isn't just around them. They are planted in it. We think dirt is just for plants, trees and flowers. But we humans have dirt too.

I was talking to God this morning about how the dirt in my life hurts. It hurts having your children not wanting to be in relationship with you and being away from the Lord. It hurts not having your brother want to speak to you over something you find to be a bit petty. It hurts to be diagnosed with a disease and wait and wait and wait for your healing to manifest. I could go on and on, but I believe you probably get my point. We all have hurts, grief, sorrow, pain, disappointments, and frustrations. That is the dirt in our lives. Coming to Jesus doesn't make the dirt go away. We may get out of some dirt, much like being repotted with fresh dirt, but there is always dirt in our lives. The dirt hurts. It's supposed to. Why? Because it's there to make us grow.

Do you think a plant, flower or tree can ignore the dirt that it's planted in? I don't. We should not be ignoring the dirt we're planted in either. We should be growing in that dirt. As we grow God must repot us in a bigger pot with fresh dirt. That's called overcoming. That's called maturing, growing....going from glory to glory, from faith to faith.

We are all mostly looking to get our dirt out of our lives. It's shameful many times, it's terribly uncomfortable most of the time if not all the time. We don't like it. We didn't choose it, for the most part. And we certainly don't want it.

Here's the part I love. Some of the dirt we are planted in, God chose for us. Some came from the enemy. And some is a result of decisions we have made in our lives. But NONE OF IT is meant by God to destroy us. God is not grossed out by your dirt that you're in. He doesn't take one look at you and say you are too dirty. If you're in the wrong dirt, such as addiction, He will repot you in good dirt if you will let Him.

Another thing we do is see the dirt in other people's lives and judge them for it. Stop. The dirt is there in their lives for a reason and you are not the one in charge of their dirt. Leave them alone, unless you are helping them to grow.

I could go on with this analogy, like how we are called to be trees of righteousness but some of us see ourselves as little succulents. A tree of righteousness is comparable to an oak tree in the bible. But a succulent is planted in shallow dirt. The bigger we become, the more dirt we need to grow. That's why life doesn't get easier as we grow in the Lord, it seems many times to get harder. It's because there is more of us to feed. We have more branches, more leaves and more need for life to flow through us.

This analogy is one you and I can continue to build on as the Lord gives us understanding, but I hope this revelation helps you to understand more of the reason your life is so dirty. I hope you have a fabulous day. Be blessed.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD AN EXPERIENCE WHERE YOU STARTED GETTING REALLY ANGRY OVER SOMETHING BUT DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY? CHANCES ARE YOU WERE AFRAID OF SOMETHING. THAT'S WHY I TITLED THIS THE UNAPPARENT APPEARANCE OF FEAR.

FEAR HAS BEEN A SERIOUS DESTROYER OF RELATIONSHIPS, AND WE TEND TO BLAME IT ON SOMEONE OR SOMETHING ELSE. "IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES" NO, IT'S 9 TIMES OUT OF 10 FEAR. WHAT ARE WE AFRAID OF. THAT WILL BE DIFFERENT FOR ALL OF US. WHAT ONE OF US IS AFRAID OF, MANY OTHERS WILL NOT FIND IT SCARY AT ALL. FEARS MANY TIMES COME FROM PAST EXPERIENCES WE HAVE HAD THAT LEFT US FEELING LESS THAN HAPPY ABOUT THOSE EXPERIENCES.

I HAVE HAD A LOT OF TRIGGERS DUE TO ALL THE TRAUMA I HAVE ENDURED. IT MAY BE POSSIBLE THAT SOME OF THOSE TRIGGERS WILL NEVER LEAVE ME TILL I GET TO HEAVEN, I DON'T KNOW. BUT I HAVE COME TO SEE THAT FEAR IS THE CAUSE FOR A LOT OF MY TRIGGERS. SOMEWHERE IN THE CIRCUMSTANCE THAT I AM IN, I SEE OR SENSE SOMETHING SIMILAR TO A PAST EXPERIENCE AND FEAR RISES UP IN ME, BUT HAS THE APPEARANCE OF ANGER, RAGE, OR JUST PLAIN CRAZY.

IN MY BOOK I TALK ABOUT THE TERROR FITS I HAD WHEN BEING A PASSENGER OR A DRIVER IN A CAR. THOSE TERROR FITS MANIFESTED IN SWEATY PALMS, TEARS, SCREAMS, SHAKING, NERVOUSNESS, ANXIOUS THOUGHTS, UNCONTROLLABLE ANGER AND PROBABLY A HOST OF OTHER EMOTIONS AND/OR ACTONS. I HAD TO COME TO THE PLACE WHERE I WAS WILLING TO ADMIT MY FEAR AND LEARN HOW TO LET IT GO. THAT WAS A PROCESS THAT I TALK ABOUT IN THE BOOK.

WHEN FEAR IS BEHIND THE EMOTIONAL OUTBURST YOU HAVE, ALL YOU SEE IS YOURSELF GET REALLY ANGRY OR FIDGETY AND THIS FLIGHT OR FIGHT MENTALITY TAKES OVER IN YOU.

NORMALLY THERE IS NOT A WHOLE LOT YOU WILL DO ABOUT THE FEAR WHEN YOU FIRST HAVE THIS HAPPEN EXCEPT ALLOW IT TO MANIPULATE YOUR EMOTIONS, WORDS, ACTIONS AND BELIEFS. BUT AFTER THE FACT, IF YOU WILL SIT DOWN AND CALMLY, HUMBLY ANALYZE WHAT CAUSED YOU TO REACT THE WAY YOU DID, THEN YOU WILL PROBABLY BE ABLE TO SEE THE FEAR. ONCE YOU REALIZE FEAR WAS BEHIND YOUR OUTBURST YOU CAN BEGIN TO HEAL IF YOU'RE WILLING.

I HAVE FOUND THAT HEALING IS WORK. GOD IS THE GREAT PHYSICIAN AND HOLDS ALL THE POWER TO HEAL US, BUT THERE ARE MANY TIMES HE WILL HAVE US DO "SOMETHING" FOR OUR HEALING TO MANIFEST IN US. I HAVE GONE THROUGH MANY HEALING PROCESSES AND BELIEVE ME THEY HAVE BEEN PROCESSES. NOTHING I HAVE AQUIRED HAS REALLY COME EASY FOR ME. I HAVE FOUGHT FOR ALL I HAVE, MY SANITY, MY FAITH, MY RESTORATION AND MY HEALING. THOUGH I AM GRATEFUL THAT GOD HAS GIVEN ME THE VICTORY IN ALL OF IT AND WILL CONTINUE TO COMMAND MY VICTORIES, THERE ARE TIMES I WISH LIFE WAS NOT SO DIFFICULT. BUT GOD IS WITH ME THROUGH IT ALL AND HE COMMANDS MY STRENGTH, THANK YOU, JESUS.

THE SAME IS TRUE FOR YOU. ONE THING YOU CAN DO TO NOT PROLONG YOUR PROCESS TO HEAL IS BEGIN HEARING THE WORDS YOU ARE SPEAKING AND CHANGING THEM WHEN NECESSARY. THINGS LIKE, "I HATE BEING DIABLED." CHANGE IT TO, "GOD, THOUGH MY FLESH DOES NOT ENJOY BEING DISABLED, I KNOW YOU ARE DOING A MIGHTY WORK IN ME AND I SUBMIT TO YOUR PLAN. THANK YOU FOR SUPPLYING MY EVERY NEED ACCORDING TO YOUR RICHES IN GLORY AND THANK YOU FOR COMMANDING MY STRENGTH AND VICTORY OVER THIS DISABILITY. IN JESUS NAME. AMEN." SAYING THINGS LIKE, "I'M SICK AND TIRED." ONLY KEEPS YOU SICK AND TIRED. INSTEAD TELL YOUR SELF YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS YOU. TELL YOURSELF, "BY HIS STRIPES I AM HEALED."

ALSO, DON'T KNOWINGLY ALLOW SOMEONE ELSE TO SPEAK NEGATIVELY OVER YOU. SUCH AS, SOMEONE IS IN YOUR PRESENCE AND WANTS TO GO SOMEWHERE WITH YOU AND YOU TELL THEM NO YOU DON'T WANT TO GO. THEY SAY, "YOU NEVER WANT TO GO, YOU ALWAYS SAY NO. YOU'RE LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG." YOU SHOULD CORRECT THEM, PREFERABLY IN A NICE GENTLY WAY, BUT CORRECT THEM NONE-THE-LESS.

OUR WORDS HOLD SERIOUS POWER, SO ONE THING GOD WILL HAVE YOU DO TO RECIEVE YOUR HEALING, A LOT OF TIMES, IS SPEAK HIS WORD OVER YOURSELF. MAYBE YOU HAVE HEARD THE SAYING, "DON'T TELL GOD ABOUT YOUR MOUNTAIN, TELL YOUR MOUNTAIN ABOUT YOUR GOD." IT WORKS VERY WELL. I HAVE NOT YET COMPLETED MY HEALING PROCESSES BUT I AM STILL ON TRACK TO GOD'S HEALING POWER MANIFESTING IN MY BODY, SOUL AND SPIRIT. THANK YOU, JESUS. I PRAY THESE PRACTICAL TIDBITS OF ADVICE HELP YOU. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT PATIENCE IS A CHARACTERISTIC OF LOVE. WHEN YOU SHOW PATIENCE TO YOURSELF, GOD AND OTHERS, YOU ARE LOVING GOD, YOURSELF AND OTHERS. IT'S OK IF THE HEALING PROCESS TAKES TIME, IT'S A MARATHON NOT A SPRINT AND GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING.

HAVE A FABULOUS DAY. BE BLESSED.

I remember when God began teaching me about forgiveness. The first thing I remember Him saying to me about it was, "Kim, you can forgive someone slamming your fist into a wall." He wasn't telling me that was the way to forgive. He was telling me that forgiveness begins with a choice.

I remember thinking that if I forgave someone then I was feeling like I was telling them that what they did was ok. Well, there were a lot of things done to me in my childhood that will NEVER be ok. What God began showing me, and yes this took serious faith, was that forgiveness was to free me from the bondage of hatred and bitterness of the wrong committed against me.

The reason I said it took serious faith is because God did not explain to me WHY He wanted me to choose to forgive, He just let me know THAT He wanted me to forgive. I had to trust that He knew more than me and that this forgiveness thing was for my good. That was NOT easy.

So, what He meant by, "You can choose to forgive someone slamming your fist into a wall." was that you can be at your highest level of rage and still make the choice to forgive. Please understand that when I first started learning about forgiveness, this did not come easy. I may make it sound like it was or is easy, but it is not. You have to force yourself to make this decision. It's like standing on a high dive with a pool under you and closing your eyes and jumping, trusting that you will be ok when you hit the water. Most of us have to force ourselves to do such a thing at least in the beginning.

Once you make the choice the first time and start realizing the results, it gets a little bit easier each time after, until it almost becomes second nature.

Forgiving yourself is probably the hardest person you will have to forgive, but we are all different, so maybe not. It was for me, at least one of the hardest. The other one was the rapist that raped me as a child, Russell.

Here's what God taught me about forgiving myself. If God forgives me, who am I to not forgive me? See, it's actually pride that seeks to keep us bitter towards ourselves, at least in part. We think we know more than God so; therefore, we don't deserve forgiveness from ourselves, and God can choose to forgive us if He wants, but we know better. WRONG! The truth is if we do not forgive ourselves, God will not forgive us. Unforgiveness can keep us out of heaven and send us straight to hell. It's that serious of a matter.

So, forgiving the person that raped me. My book tells the story, and it's a good story, very difficult to walk through though. Though I forgave Russell, I did not seek him out to tell him or to strike up a relationship with him again. I have zero desire to EVER see that "man" again. I do not care whether he knows that I forgave him. I did not forgive him to set him free, I forgave him to set me free and as long as I am free, he is in God's hands and God will do with him what He chooses. So, what am I saying? Not everyone you forgive will need to know that you have forgiven them. You don't have to allow them back in your life just because you forgave them. It's ok to forgive and let sleeping dogs lie. Forgiveness sets you free, not your offender. Mercy sets the offender free, and God will not always have you show the offender mercy. Always seek God first before you step out to tell someone you forgive them or allow them back in your life. Just because the forgiveness changed you doesn't mean it has or will change the offender.

Now where I am in this forgiveness journey is proactively forgiving people. Such as my husband. If I imagine the worst offense he could do to me or our marriage and choose to forgive him for it before it happens or in case it happens, then if it happens the memory of me forgiving him beforehand comes back to me and makes it easier to really forgive after the offense has been committed.

We all know that the Bible says that offenses will come. If you grew up like I did, one thing you have done is look for the offense to come. Well, instead of looking for it to come, just know that it will and choose to set yourself free before it does. It really does work. I promise.

Have a great day. Kim

So, my blog post today is not exactly connected to my book, but I feel led of the Holy Spirit to put these particular thoughts in this blog platform.

The other night a friend of mine called me and told me of a difficult conversation she had with a member of her family who is currently not walking with the Lord. My friend loves this woman deeply.

At the end of February this year my friend prayed and asked the Lord for another "Rapture" dream. She has had several since 21. He gave it to her. She said that she knew from that dream it is eminent and we are milliseconds from it happening. At the time of her telling me about the message of her dream, she also told me that her heart was to tell this woman that she loves so much about this message too. She was struggling with timing and knowing that this woman was not going to be receptive but felt compelled to say something to her about it anyway. So, she did.

All she said was one sentence about the impending rapture and this woman got quite angry. The woman then began accusing and berating to some degree and all my friend could do was sit and listen. She was dumbfounded to discover where this woman's heart really was, especially concerning my friend. Some of the things my friend told me that she said, you could certainly hear the pride and arrogance in the words and attitude.

She started to say something that I believed would be quite detrimental, so I stopped her from saying any more about it. The Holy Spirit had me tell her that she and I need to be interceding for certain people in our families to come to the Lord. He impressed upon me the seriousness of the matter and the shortness of time. She and I agreed with each other to hold one another accountable concerning the interceding of our loved ones.

When we hung up, I began repenting and praying and I clearly heard the Lord tell me, prepare for 3 days. I knew what He was telling me. I had some unfinished organizational things I needed to do, and God was telling me to prepare for beginning to intercede in 3 days by getting these things done.

This morning I read a VERY moving post by someone who very clearly described what they saw and experienced when they visited the Asbury Revival. It definitely moved me to tears, lots of them. It caused me to think about how God did that there for people that knew Him but weren't really on fire for Him, kind of like me. But my heart's cry is for God to radically save those that are truly lost. That's what I was feeling as I read that post.

I also went yesterday with my husband to see the movie "Jesus Revolution". Talk about a great movie. Wow! I was truly amazed. I honestly didn't think I would like the movie much because I did not grow up in that era. But what God did for the hippies back then, my heart's cry is that He will do it for the homeless now.

I can feel the spirit of intercession growing stronger and stronger in me, breaking my heart for what breaks His, the lost. God is passionate about us being reconciled to Him. Think about this....

The death, burial and resurrection of Jesus has almost become something we kind of gloss over. but it will NEVER be that for God. He shows His passion for pursuing us to have us reconciled to Him. He is chasing us. Many of us have the audacity to think that we are chasing Him. WRONG!!!! We could never do such a thing, unless He first chased us. He is the One that causes us to hunger and thirst for Him. He is the One that causes us to yearn for more of Him. He is the One that Calls us to righteousness. He is the One that convicts us of our sins. We cannot pursue Him unless He first has pursued us. Our relationship with Him is strictly reciprocal and He is ALWAYS the Initiator.

What kind of King loves that way? You will be extremely hard pressed to find a past or present human king to love like that. I have never really heard anyone talk about this, but it is becoming more and more apparent to me how humble God really is. He doesn't have to be prideful and arrogant; He is Sovereign.

Maybe this post will prick your heart to cry out to the Lord for more of Him for yourself, and those you love. I pray that it does. But please know that if it does, it is ONLY because that is God's will for you. He loves you eternally and completely and passionately. Be blessed. Kim

WHAT A STRANGE CONCEPT... TO FORGIVE GOD. HE IS PERFECT IN ALL HIS WAYS. HE NEVER HAS AND NEVER WILL MAKE A MISTAKE. SO, WHY ARE THERE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT CAN ARISE TO MAKE US FEEL AS THOUGH WE NEED TO FORGIVE HIM? FORGIVE HIM FOR WHAT EXACTLY?

THE FIRST THING WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND IS FORGIVENESS IS NOT AS MUCH FOR THE FORGIVEN AS IT IS FOR THE FORGIVER. GOD NEVER SINS, SO TO SAY THAT WE FORGIVE HIM CAN SERIOUSLY IMPLY THE WRONG MESSAGE. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT WE UNDERSTAND WHAT FORGIVING GOD REALLY IS.

I FELT BETRAYED BY GOD BECAUSE I KNEW THAT HE HAD THE POWER TO STOP ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME AS A CHILD. I ALSO KNEW THAT I WAS INNOCENT OF CAUSING THOSE THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME, MEANING I DID NOT DESERVE FOR THEM TO HAPPEN. I CAME TO AN UNDERSTANDING WITH THE HELP OF THE LORD THAT GOD WORKS THROUGH OUR FAITH. HE HAD ME FIGHT TO BELIEVE BY FAITH, AGAINST EVERYTHING THAT I FELT, THAT HE LOVED ME ETERNALLY AND UNCONDITIONALLY. I COULD ONLY DO THAT THROUGH HIS STRENGTH AND POWER. ONCE I CHOSE TO BELIEVE FOR HIS LOVE FOR ME, I WAS ABLE TO UNDERSTAND MORE OF HIS TRUTH AND THE LIES THAT I HAD BEEN BELIEVING BY THE enemy. LIES LIKE, "GOD IS PUNISHING ME FOR BEING BAD." OR "GOD REALLY HATES ME." ANOTHER LIE WAS THAT GOD'S WORD ISN'T REALLY TRUE FOR ME. IT WAS TRUE, JUST NOT FOR ME. THESE ARE ALL LIES OF THE enemy. I BEGAN TO REPLACE THESE LIES WITH GOD'S TRUTH. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN OVER NIGHT. THIS TAKES TIME AND, IN SOME WAYS, WILL TAKE ME THE REST OF MY LIFE.

THE TRUTH IS GOD LOVES EVERYONE, INCLUDING ME. GOD DID NOT MAKE ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME HAPPEN. HE ALLOWED THEM AND IF GOD IS GOOD, THEN I HAVE UNDERSTAND THAT HIM ALLOWING THESE BAD THINGS IN MY LIFE HAS TO BE FOR MY GOOD, EVEN WHEN ALL I CAN SEE IS DEATH, DESTRUCTION AND HEARTBREAK.

THE BIBLE SAYS THAT IT PLEASED GOD TO BRUISE JESUS. IS. 53:10 HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? A GOD WHO IS GOOD, LOVING AND KIND WAS PLEASED THAT HIS SON WAS BRUISED, BEATEN, AND CRUCIFIED. THAT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. THIS IS HIS ONLY SON.

BY FAITH WE ARE SAVED. WHEN WE CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THAT JESUS IS THE SON OF THE LIVING GOD AND THAT HE WAS CRUCIFIED BECAUSE OF OUR SIN. HE DIED ON THE CROSS TO MAKE A WAY FOR US TO BE RECONCILED TO THE FATHER, THEN THE FATHER'S PLEASURE IN HIS CRUCIFIXION IS MORE UNDERSTANDABLE. FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM, HE ENDURED THE CROSS. HEB. 12:2 JESUS DIED THIS PARTICULAR DEATH WITH JOY IN HIS HEART FOR THE END RESULT. HE BELIEVED BY FAITH THAT GOD HAD A GOOD PLAN FOR HIS DEATH.

THE SAME IS TRUE FOR US. WE MUST BELIEVE BY FAITH THAT GOD TURNS ALL THINGS FOR OUR GOOD WHEN WE LOVE HIM AND ARE THE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. ROM. 8:28 SO TO SAY THAT WE FORGIVE GOD IS NOT TO SAY THAT GOD SINNED AGAINST US. THAT CAN NEVER BE TRUE. IT IS TO SAY THAT WE CHOOSE BY FAITH TO BELIEVE THAT HIS PLAN FOR THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO US HE IS TURNING FOR OUR GOOD.

LONG BEFORE I HEALED FROM SOME OF THE ABUSE I SUFFERED AS A CHILD I HAD A MENTOR TELL ME THAT THERE WERE MANY PEOPLE GOD WAS GOING TO HAVE ME HELP IN MY LIFE. AT THE TIME WHEN SHE TOLD ME THIS, I NO MORE WANTED TO HEAR THAT THAN THE MAN IN THE MOON. I WAS COMPLETELY STUCK IN MY OWN PAIN. BUT WHEN GOD HEALED ME AND SET ME FREE FROM THE BONDAGE OF THAT PAIN, ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GO OUT AND HELP OTHERS GET FREE. FOR A WHILE I DID. BUT THE DAMAGE THAT WAS BROUGHT ON IN MY CHILDHOOD WAS TREMENDOUSLY FAR REACHING IN MY SOUL, SO I DISCOVERED I HAD A LOT MORE HEALING TO DO.

FOR ME I HAD TO FORGIVE GOD FOR ALLOWING THE BAD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AND DECLARE BY FAITH THAT I TRUSTED HIM TO TURN THOSE THINGS FOR MY GOOD. I DID NOT GROW UP WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT BECAUSE GOD CREATED ME, HE HAD THE RIGHTS FOR MY LIFE. I KNEW HE CREATED ME, BUT I GREW UP WITH THE MENTALITY THAT I HAD THE RIGHT TO THE LIFE I WANTED AND THAT WAS A TREMENDOUS SOURCE OF THE ANGER I HAD FOR MANY YEARS. IT WAS A VERY HARD PILL FOR ME TO SWALLOW NOT BEING ABLE TO CHANGE MY PAST AND HAVE THE LIFE THAT I WANTED. I HAD TO ACCEPT THE LIFE DEALT ME. AND WORDS COULD NEVER EXPRESS THE HATRED THAT I HAVE HAD FOR THIS LIFE DEALT ME. GOD SEEMED TO BE TREMENDOUSLY CRUEL TO ME FOR THE LIFE HE HAD GIVEN ME OR ALLOWED ME TO HAVE. HOW DOES A GOOD GOD GET GLORY OUT OF SOMEONE'S TRAUMATIC LIFE? THAT IS A GREAT MYSTERY. I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT IT HAPPENS EVERY DAY. WHEN GOD SAYS THAT LOVE NEVER FAILS, 1 COR. 13, HE REALLY IS SERIOUS. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TO US, HIS LOVE FOR US WILL NEVER FAIL. WE CAN CHOOSE NOT TO RECEIVE IT. BUT THAT DOES NOT CAUSE HIS LOVE TO FAIL. HIS LOVE IS A FREE GIFT TO US FROM THE FATHER. WE DON'T DESERVE IT, WE DON'T EARN IT, WE CAN'T BUY IT OR SELL IT. HE GIVES IT TO US AND WE ARE REQUIRED TO GIVE IT TO OTHERS.

HERE IS ANOTHER IMPORTANT ASPECT OF FORGIVING GOD. TO BE A PERSON WHO FORGIVES CAN CAUSE THAT PERSON TO FEEL SUPERIOR TO THE ONE THEY ARE FORGIVING. LIKE THE FORGIVER POSSESSES THE KEY TO THE PERSON'S FREEDOM AND IT'S ONLY BECAUSE THE FORGIVER CHOOSES TO USE THE KEY TO UNLOCK THE PRISON DOOR FOR THE ONE THEY ARE FORGIVING THAT IS THE REASON FOR THE FREEDOM OF THE FORGIVEN. LIKE WITHOUT THE FORGIVENESS THEY WOULD NEVER BE FREE.

IF YOU HAVE EVER HAD TO FORGIVE GOD, YOU PROBABLY KNOW HOW TREBEDACIOUS THAT FEELS. GOD HATES PRIDE. SO, FOR US TO TRY TO HAVE A HAUGHTY ATTITUDE WHEN CHOOSING TO FORGIVE HIM, IT DOESN'T WORK AND IT WON'T TAKE LONG FOR A PERSON TO REALIZE THAT. WHEN WE CHOOSE TO FORGIVE GOD IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE AN APOLOGY THAN AN ACT OF FORGIVENESS ON OUR PART. LIKE, "FATHER, I AM SO SORRY I HAVE BLAMED YOU FOR THE BAD THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN MY LIFE AND I CHOOSE TO FORGIVE YOU THOUGH YOU NEED NO FORGIVING. I RECOGNIZE YOU AS MY CREATOR AND THE SUPREME AUTHORITY OF MY LIFE. I ASK YOUR FORGIVENESS FOR MY HAUGHTY ATTITUDE TOWARD YOU."

MAY THIS HELP YOU AS YOU NAVIGATE THE DEEP WATERS OF FORGIVENESS. MUCH LOVE AND WE WILL CONTINUE THIS LATER. HAVE A FABULOUS DAY. KIM

I FELT BETRAYED BY GOD BECAUSE HE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME AS A CHILD AND HE STILL LET IT HAPPEN. I GREW UP BEING ABLE TO HEAR HIS VOICE AND KNEW IT WAS HIM TALKING TO ME. BUT I DID NOT GROW UP WITH A KNOWLEDGE OF WHO GOD REALLY IS. MY MOM STOPPED TAKING ME TO CHURCH, READING THE BIBLE TO ME, AND PRAYING WHEN I WAS ONLY 10 YEARS OLD. SO, I HAD NO WAY TO REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT GOD IS ACTUALLY GOOD AND HE IS NOT THE ONE TO BE BLAMED FOR ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LORD WHEN I WAS A CHILD WAS SOLEY BASED ON MY ABILITY TO HEAR HIS VOICE. SO, I TALKED TO HIM AND MANY TIMES HE ANSWERED ME, VERBALLY, SO TO SPEAK. BUT I WAS NOT LEARNING ABOUT HIM OR HOW TO HAVE A PROPER RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.

I HAD NO CONCEPT OF HIS GOODNESS FOR ME. ALL I KNEW WAS HE IS GOD AND HE IS IN CONTROL. HE HOLDS ALL THE POWER. AND MY QUESTION IN LIFE BECAME, "WHY ARE YOU LETTING THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME?" I MEAN SERIOUSLY, GOD FELT SO CRUEL TO ME. I LOVED HIM, MUCH LIKE A CHILD LOVES AN ABUSIVE PARENT. BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO REALLY LOVE HIM.

BECAUSE I WAS SO HATED BY EVERYONE IN MY LIFE, I GREW UP THINKING THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO HATE MYSELF. I MEAN EVERYONE ELSE DID, SO THEY MUST KNOW SOMETHING I DIDN'T KNOW AND THAT'S WHY THEY HATED ME. AND I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW ANY BETTER AND HAD NO ONE TELLING ME THAT GOD LOVES ME. I PROMISE, MORE TIMES THAN NOT, I FELT HATED BY GOD.

HERE'S THE TRUTH THAT GOD TAUGHT ME AS AN ADULT. THE BIBLE DESCRIBES US AS TREES. FOR A TREE TO GROW THERE ARE 3 MAIN THINGS THAT IT NEEDS. SUN, WATER, AND DIRT.

THE WAY GOD DESCRIBED IT TO ME WAS HE CONTROLS EVERY SPECK OF DIRT THAT FALLS IN A PERSON'S LIFE AND HE IS NOT AFRAID TO LET IT FALL. HE KNOWS EXACTLY THE PURPOSE HE HAS CREATED EACH ONE OF US FOR. AND EXACTLY WHAT SPECKS OF DIRT OUR PURPOSE REQUIRES. HE IS NEVER SHOCKED BY THE TROUBLE THAT FINDS US IN LIFE, WHY? BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHO HE IS AND THE POWER HE POSSESSES. IN A LOT OF CASES, IT'S ACTUALLY GOD THAT DESIGNED THE PARTICULAR SPECKS OF DIRT THAT FALL IN A PERSON'S LIFE. THAT'S NOT ALWAYS TRUE, BUT IT IS TRUE IN MANY CASES.

THIS REVELATION TRANSFORMED MY WAY OF THINKING AND MY PERSPECTIVE OF GOD. I BEGAN TO SEE SOME THINGS IN A PRETTY PROFOUND WAY. ONE THING I SAW IS THAT GOD CAN BE TRUSTED. YES, I DO STILL STRUGGLE WITH THIS WHEN CERTAIN TROUBLES ARISE, BUT I AM LEARNING HOW TO REMIND MYSELF OF ALL THAT HE HAS ALREADY BROUGHT ME THROUGH. THE OTHER THING I SAW IS THAT I AM INDESTRUCTABLE FOR THE enemy. NO WEAPON he HAS USED, IS USING OR WILL EVER USE WILL DESTROY ME. WHY? I AM A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH GOD AND I AM NOT ABLE TO BE DESTROYED UNLESS IT IS GOD THAT DOES IT. AND THE SAME IS TRUE FOR EVERY OTHER CHILD OF GOD.

I HOPE THESE TRUTHS BEGIN TO HELP YOU. WE WILL CONTINUE AGAIN LATER. GOD BLESS YOU. HAVE A FABULOUS DAY. KIM