Doug Moe's Blog

manvchild:

NOW IN A REVISED SECOND EDITION

Man vs. Child is a funny, fresh take on the parenting guide, written from the dad’s perspective. It’s about the absurdity of being a dad today: from your blissful pre-baby days through when your kid is off at school, probably complaining about you. It’s a companion to help you through the hard times, like when you need something to read on the toilet and your phone is dead.

Amazon
Apple Books
Barnes and Noble
Kobo

NAMED ONE OF AMAZON’S BEST HUMOR BOOKS OF 2017

Balancing relatable humor with heartfelt advice, Man vs. Child will appeal to any dad looking for both laughs and real guidance from a man who has had–and survived–these experiences himself. A perfect Father’s Day gift or present for a first-time dad!

PRAISE FOR MAN VS. CHILD:

“Doug Moe has written a delightful and helpful book that gives real advice about the Wild West world of raising children.” - Amy Poehler, actress, comedian, and NYT bestselling author of Yes, Please

“Moe ‘describes the awed affection new fathers may have for their children with relatable humor and genuine insight, offering a promising resource for the curious and the clueless.’” - The New Yorker

“From tackling toddler meltdowns to bringing up baby in any conversation, comedian Doug Moe’s irreverent take on the absurdity of fatherhood is a refreshing read for new dads. It feels like you’re chatting with a friend who admittedly doesn’t know everything, but does know exactly what you’re going through.” - Pregnancy & Newborn Magazine

“Wow is it terrific – funny, smart, relatable, and actually filled with some very good tips, from handling sleepless nights for tips to get rid of your kids’ weird friends on playdates.” - Cool Mom Picks

“Yes, it’s just one man’s point of view, but we have a feeling your guy will find more than enough in common with this hilarious dad-in-training.” -PureWow

Just in time for Father’s Day! Six years ago, Abrams published my book “Man vs Child,” a humor book for dads. Now I’ve re-published it in a new, revised edition. If you haven’t picked up a copy, consider buying it! It’s in paperback or Kindle in the new edition here: https://amzn.to/3qqjIe5

Man vs. Child is a funny, fresh take on the parenting guide, written from the dad’s perspective. It’s about the absurdity of being a dad today: from your blissful pre-baby days through when your kid is off at school, probably complaining about you. It’s a companion to help you through the hard times, like when you need something to read on the toilet and your phone is dead.

Amazon
Apple Books
Barnes and Noble
Kobo

Balancing relatable humor with heartfelt advice, Man vs. Child will appeal to any dad looking for both laughs and real guidance from a man who has had–and survived–these experiences himself. A perfect Father’s Day gift or present for a first-time dad!

“Doug Moe has written a delightful and helpful book that gives real advice about the Wild West world of raising children.” - Amy Poehler, actress, comedian, and NYT bestselling author of Yes, Please

“Moe ‘describes the awed affection new fathers may have for their children with relatable humor and genuine insight, offering a promising resource for the curious and the clueless.’” - The New Yorker

“From tackling toddler meltdowns to bringing up baby in any conversation, comedian Doug Moe’s irreverent take on the absurdity of fatherhood is a refreshing read for new dads. It feels like you’re chatting with a friend who admittedly doesn’t know everything, but does know exactly what you’re going through.” - Pregnancy & Newborn Magazine

“Wow is it terrific – funny, smart, relatable, and actually filled with some very good tips, from handling sleepless nights for tips to get rid of your kids’ weird friends on playdates.” - Cool Mom Picks

“Yes, it’s just one man’s point of view, but we have a feeling your guy will find more than enough in common with this hilarious dad-in-training.” -PureWow

A lot of people write up a phone contract with their tweens.  Here’s mine:

To My 11-Year Old, an iPhone Contract From Your Dad, With Love and Rules

Congratulations!  You are the recipient of a new iPhone.  It has ruined my life and it will ruin yours.  There will be moments of joy, however.  

I didn’t mean to start off negatively.  It’s just…hard.  This is a contract to help you understand the rules that will hopefully keep you a happy and healthy digital citizen!  

IT IS MY PHONE.  I mean, I have my own phone, so I won’t ask for yours back.  I bought it for you, so in that sense it is *your* phone.  I also bought the clothes you wear and the food you eat and I never ask for any of that back.  Yes, sometimes I eat whatever you leave on your plate because I can’t help myself.  It’s a problem outside of the scope of our current phone contract, but I’ll try to do better.  

ALWAYS ANSWER WHEN YOUR MOTHER OR I CALL.  Yes, I know that I nearly always send Nana and Papa’s calls to voicemail.  But that is because I am often busy when they call.  I still love them a lot, it’s just that I can’t always talk when they call.  We have a different relationship though, right?

TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT.  And just like I don’t expect to buy a new bed for you each year, I won’t be buying you a new phone each year.  Oh sure, bed companies would have you believe that every year you need the newest bed technology; but I’m not going to pad Big Bed’s pockets every time they introduce some new bell or whistle or some kind of down pillow top.  Of course, at some point these new beds stop working suddenly, suspiciously around the time new bed operating systems come out.  You really can’t win.

I HAVE ACCESS TO IT.  I must have the password to your phone so I can access it at any time.  Make it something easy to remember so I don’t have to reset it all the time like I always have to do on mine.  Eventually, I will want you to have a hard-to-hack password - maybe I’ll even have to buy you a password manager.  I mean, that’s how they get you - could be that the people selling password manager apps are the same people hacking those who don’t use them!  Wouldn’t that be a thing?  These are just the sorts of things that you were blissfully unaware of, pre-phone.

SOMETIMES WE’LL HAVE TECHNOLOGY FREE ACTIVITIES.  Now that you’re going on the grid, it’s important to make sure you have time off the grid.  Yes, I’m putting you on the grid and asking you to get off the grid.  You’ll see!

NO USING YOUR PHONE AFTER 9PM.  Hoo boy, do I wish I had someone to tell me that rule.  I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve worked myself into a lather by checking Twitter right before bed.  I tell myself to read a book, but do I listen?  No.  And in the morning, what’s the first thing I do?  Check Twitter and see what kind of madness is erupting in the news.  All this before coffee!  Why do I do it?  And the weekend - want a guaranteed way to ruin your weekend?  Go ahead and check your phone - there’s bound to be some work drama you need to deal with on your “day off.”

NO SOCIAL MEDIA.  Speaking of Twitter, we’re not letting you join any social networks without our approval.  That includes Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and any others they come up with.  Trust me, once you get on these things you’ll wonder why the hell your great joke was only “liked” once and meanwhile some friend who isn’t nearly as funny has over 10,000 followers.  It’s maddening.  And Facebook?  Do you like having strong political opinions get nitpicked until you don’t care anymore?  Do you like Game of Thrones spoilers?  Do you like finding out someone you went to high school with is now a total racist?  Okay, I know you’re only going into middle school - but take a look at your current friends and you’ll be pretty surprised which ones of them become lunatics later in life.

IF IT BREAKS, WE MIGHT NOT REPLACE IT RIGHT AWAY.  But honestly we’d be doing you a favor.

Enjoy your new phone!

Andy has a new book out!  In all the madness, I forgot to plug it.  But check it out if you are a new dad or a new mom trying to understand your partner.  

Like he says:

What if you could figure out what new dads are thinking? What if you got some honest insight that could help your partner go from freaked out to freaking awesome in fatherhood… and help you get the help you need in the process? Enter Andrew Shaw’s “The New Mom’s Guide to New Dads.”

A great gift for that new dad in your life!  Or for that dad of toddlers!  Or, I don’t know, that guy you know but not so well that you gotta get that gift for!

Man Vs Child:  One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting

manvchild:

Re:  Elf on the Shelf Reporting Requirements

To:  Santa

I am not sure what I am supposed to be reporting on here.  Subject is a child, doing things all children do.  Parameters of your naughty list are vague.  Please advise which of the following possible actions deserve a “naughty list” designation:

Subject blew nose multiple times in tissue and threw tissues on floor where they remained until parent picked them up.

Subject asked for grilled cheese, then refused to eat grilled cheese.

Subject keeps singing theme to 1-877-Kars-4-Kids

Subject did not wash hands after using the potty, was called on it, then went back and ran water to pretend they had washed hands.

Do these rise to “naughty” level?  

Frankly, the Elf on a Shelf mission is problematic.  My trade is toy-building, not spy-craft.  I am uncomfortable with this surveillance and question its necessity.  Is my reporting merely advisory?  Don’t you already know who’s been naughty and who nice?  

Respectfully, I submit that myself and other Elves on Shelves be re-deployed to the North Pole Toy Facility.  The demands and deadlines of Christmas were already straining our toy workforce before so many of us were assigned to spy on children.  

- EOS1456

My friend Madalyn made this PSA to explain how easy it is to shop for dads! 

manvchild:

About the Book

***Named one of Amazon’s Best Humor Books of 2017.***

“Doug Moe has written a delightful and helpful book that gives real advice about the Wild West world of raising children.” - Amy Poehler

Moms have hundreds of parenting advice books willing to tackle the more cringe-inducing questions of parenthood. But what about books for the other half of the equation: the dads?

Man Vs. Child is a funny, fresh take on the parenting guide, written from the dad’s perspective.  More info here.

Buy the Book

The book is out in stores now or you can order here:

Amazon
Abrams
Barnes and Noble
Books-a-Million
Indiebound
Indigo
Powell’s

Praise

“Doug Moe has written a delightful and helpful book that gives real advice about the Wild West world of raising children.”  

- Amy Poehler

***

“Moe describes the awed affection new fathers may have for their children with relatable humor and genuine insight, offering a promising resource for the curious and the clueless.”

-The New Yorker

***

“From tackling toddler meltdowns to bringing up baby in any conversation, comedian Doug Moe’s irreverent take on the absurdity of fatherhood is a refreshing read for new dads. It feels like you’re chatting with a friend who admittedly doesn’t know everything, but does know exactly what you’re going through.”

- Pregnancy & Newborn Magazine

***

“Wow is it terrific – funny, smart, relatable, and actually filled with some very good tips, from handling sleepless nights for tips to get rid of your kids’ weird friends on playdates.”

- Cool Mom Picks

***

“Yes, it’s just one man’s point of view, but we have a feeling your guy will find more than enough in common with this hilarious dad-in-training.”

- PureWow

***

“Thankfully for new fathers like me, Doug Moe knows it all, from little kids doing pee-pee to big kids doing homework. It’s essential reading for dads and future dads.”

- Michael Showalter, writer/director and cocreator of Wet Hot American Summer

***

“Doug Moe is the second-best father I know. Even if the only thing you get from this book is a good time, then Doug has done more for fathers than any other book of its kind.”

- Rob Corddry, actor and comedian, The Daily Show and Ballers

***

“I am about to have a baby and I am terrified and feel like an idiot! Then I read Doug Moe’s Man vs. Child! Now, I am prepared to have a baby. I am slightly less terrified and I am still an idiot! Thanks, Doug!”

- Bobby Moynihan, actor and comedian, Saturday Night Live

***

“Hurry up and buy this book! I didn’t get a chance before my baby came and now I’m screwed! Help! I haven’t slept in weeks and now I don’t know what I’m doing! Dammit, Doug, why didn’t you write this while I still had time to read books??”

- Rob Huebel, actor and comedian, Human Giant and Transparent

***

“Man vs. Child is a hilariously honest look at parenting that even moms can appreciate. I mean, any book that encourages new dads to ‘vacuum and be nice’ is one I can get behind!”

- Ilana Wiles, blogger and author of The Mommy Shorts Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting

***

“A taut, erotic thriller. This is a smart, dark look at  the human condition, our strengths and our weaknesses.  Doug Moe has done it again.  I did not read this book.”

- , actor and comedian, The League

***

“Doug Moe is hilarious. I’d read anything he wrote, including this book, which I read and loved. Doug’s writing is funny and irreverent, which could lead one to think he’s a bad dad, and quite honestly, I thought that for years.“ 

- Jon Daly, actor and comedian, Kroll Show

Media

Feel free to email me here if you want to talk.  For media and publicity inquiries and interview requests, please contact Jennifer Bastien at jbastien@abramsbooks.com.

Download the press release

Daughter came up with a great/sad term the other day.  We were playing a cooperative board game like good nerds and my daughter suggested a move.  My wife and I were staring at the board, trying to understand what she meant and she said, “Parents Processing.”

Yep Parents Processing – like the operating system alert you’d get when it’s um, taking parents a little while to understand.  It’s great because I love the term and it’s sad because it means that I’m definitely losing it and becoming an old, slow parent.