Terri Weeding's Blog: 10 Facts about To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy - Posts Tagged "armchair"
To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy
Fact #3. Although I mock/rip armchair jocks (men who sit in comfy chairs and obsessively watch sports on their big screen TVs), I actually like sports.
I played sports as a child, in high school, and in college.
My kids play sports.
I watch sports on my big screen TV.
I watch sports while sitting in my husband's recliner (this usually occurs when my husband is sprawled on the couch).
I watch sports while sitting in my own lovely brown leather recliner.
BUT I DO NOT OBSESSIVELY watch sports on my big screen TV while sitting in either my husband's or my own recliner!
I can leave the chair, turn off the TV, and walk away.
I played sports as a child, in high school, and in college.
My kids play sports.
I watch sports on my big screen TV.
I watch sports while sitting in my husband's recliner (this usually occurs when my husband is sprawled on the couch).
I watch sports while sitting in my own lovely brown leather recliner.
BUT I DO NOT OBSESSIVELY watch sports on my big screen TV while sitting in either my husband's or my own recliner!
I can leave the chair, turn off the TV, and walk away.
New Excerpt from To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy
A year ago, after catching a rerun of Archie Bunker, I crafted a short essay about Billy’s chair and sent it out to half a dozen women’s magazines. I hoped a savvy editor would recognize the relevance of the topic for thousands, maybe millions, of married women.
Reflections on Man and His Beloved Recliner
If man’s best friend is a dog, then man’s best mistress is his recliner, commonly referred to as THE CHAIR. THE CHAIR provides a refuge of comfort and total acceptance. Wrapped in THE CHAIR’S loving embrace, a man can relax to the point of letting it all (see enclosed picture) hang out.
A most savvy mistress, THE CHAIR demands nothing but a warm body. She doesn’t expect flowers or expensive jewelry. Conversation is not required. Eye contact is never an issue. THE CHAIR tolerates mood swings, profanity, and flatulence. She doesn’t nag about date night or sex. She doesn’t care about dirty dishes or unfinished household projects.
Most importantly, THE CHAIR loves televised sports. She offers multiple positions suitable for watching sports, reading about sports, eating and drinking while watching sports, and dreaming about sports.
THE CHAIR is the perfect mistress. No woman could ever compare. No woman should ever try.
Sadly, the essay was rejected by all six publications. Only one editor provided feedback. In capital red letters she wrote, THIS TOPIC IS TOO DEPRESSING FOR WOMEN. Underneath, in faint, barely legible print, she added; just ignore the chair, that’s what I do.
In retrospect, I realized I should have sent the essay to a men’s periodical like Sports Illustrated. There, it might have won an award for insightful journalism.
Reflections on Man and His Beloved Recliner
If man’s best friend is a dog, then man’s best mistress is his recliner, commonly referred to as THE CHAIR. THE CHAIR provides a refuge of comfort and total acceptance. Wrapped in THE CHAIR’S loving embrace, a man can relax to the point of letting it all (see enclosed picture) hang out.
A most savvy mistress, THE CHAIR demands nothing but a warm body. She doesn’t expect flowers or expensive jewelry. Conversation is not required. Eye contact is never an issue. THE CHAIR tolerates mood swings, profanity, and flatulence. She doesn’t nag about date night or sex. She doesn’t care about dirty dishes or unfinished household projects.
Most importantly, THE CHAIR loves televised sports. She offers multiple positions suitable for watching sports, reading about sports, eating and drinking while watching sports, and dreaming about sports.
THE CHAIR is the perfect mistress. No woman could ever compare. No woman should ever try.
Sadly, the essay was rejected by all six publications. Only one editor provided feedback. In capital red letters she wrote, THIS TOPIC IS TOO DEPRESSING FOR WOMEN. Underneath, in faint, barely legible print, she added; just ignore the chair, that’s what I do.
In retrospect, I realized I should have sent the essay to a men’s periodical like Sports Illustrated. There, it might have won an award for insightful journalism.
10 Facts about To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy
Fact #1 This story was inspired by my husband's(yes, he's still alive and doing well) previous recliner. She was a beautiful shade of chocolate distressed leather. She was loved like a broken-in baseb
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