Andrew G. Marshall's Blog

Men's Retreats What Happens on a Male Midlife Crisis Retreat? And why you should think of going on one (or sending your husband) Read More

Over the past years, I had been seeing fewer couples in my practice and my work had centred more and more on men who have felt lost and confused.

I had questions of my own about what it meant to cross the threshold of being sixty. What could I learn for my clients and myself from a men’s retreat? There was only one way to find out.

November 25, 2025 By Andrew G. Marshall Men's Retreats My own journey to my Men's Retreat "Definitely helped me make leaps towards growing up." T. (39, Germany)

I have been on many retreats and courses over the last forty years but they have always been mixed – and often I would be the only man in the group.

Three years ago, when I signed up for my first men’s retreat, I gave little thought to what it would be like in an all-male group (and probably mostly heterosexual). The retreat, at an eco centre on the Somerset Levels, offered rituals, poetry and the intriguing idea that in times of crisis men should come together and support each other (it took place in the aftermath of Covid.)

Over the past years, I had been seeing fewer couples in my practice and my work had centred more and more on men who have felt lost and confused. I had questions of my own about what it meant to cross the threshold of being sixty. What could I learn for my clients and myself from a men’s retreat? There was only one way to find out.

At the opening ceremony, I could not place the vague sense of unease in my stomach until one of the leaders read out a quote from the American author, mythologist and storyteller Michael Meade (who was an important figure in the Men’s Movement of the nineteen nineties).

“A man, at his first men’s gathering, asks himself two questions – is someone going to get killed? And will it be me?”

Of course, the police were not called to the Somerset Levels but what Meade meant and I had sensed: men are frightened of other men. On the first day, we did a workshop with wooden swords in which we had to place the tips on each other’s throats. The exercise was supposed to be about trust but I was straight back at my boys only school and being bullied again. I was both seven years old and my sixty-something self watching him.

What I discovered was how easily, as a child, I dissociated and disappeared into my own private world. As the workshop progressed, I saw how the other participant’s kept other men at arm’s length and the death of several egos – including my own (which had thought I was there more to steal ideas than for personal growth).

What are the psychological underpinnings of men’s retreats? "Bringing together men from all walks of life and all corners of the world to explore what it means to be a man today in a safe, interactive and fun space." D. (52, Germany)

Many men’s retreats offer a physical challenge (and are led by ex-Special Forces or athletes) others are faith based or focus on mindfulness and well-being. There are fewer in the UK and Europe with a psychological underpinning – like the one I attended and the one I am leading this September in Germany.

The three main approaches – normally in combination – are:

Psycho-dynamicSystems theoryJungian analysis

I talk about The Father Wound – the emotional and psychological pain caused by an absent, neglectful, dangerous or emotionally unavailable father. In the words of Jungian analyst and author James Hollis:

“Most men are under-fathered and over mothered.”

It leads to many men having mates to discuss football, to tease each other and drink beer – while outsourcing their emotional life to their wives, who often feel shut out or overburdened by being both personal counsellor and emotional punch bag (when repressed feelings leak out through moodiness and anger).

A men’s retreat, with the luxury of time and escaping the everyday, is a great opportunity to bond in a deeper way with other men and to reset the relationship with women to something less needy (and therefore truly connected).

Jung viewed mythology as profound expression of the collective unconscious – a shared pool of archetypes and images that are universal to humanity – and a tool for understanding the human condition. Men’s retreats draw on myths and legends and I use fairytales in my regular work with individuals and couples.

What happens at a Men’s Retreat? "Opens vital new dimensions." H. (44, Germany)

At the heart of men’s work is the concept being initiated into manhood.

Most traditional societies have a rite of passage to take members of the tribe from boy to adult man but modern Western society has nothing – beyond perhaps the hollowed out ritual of fathers taking their sons, at eighteen, to the pub for their first legal pint.

Therefore, most psychological retreats will talk about initiation, what it means to be a man today and offer a ritual to recreate the lost traditional experience. I will be performing a male initiation ritual at my retreat in April 2026.

There is nearly always a fire – a good focal point for a ceremony – and I like to read a fairy tale round one. The original tales – that the Grimm Brothers collected at the beginning of the ninetieth century – were passed down from generations of storytellers round open fire and there is something potent about hearing them in their original setting.

My favourite tool at men’s retreats is the heart circle. We sit, as the name suggests, in a circle and share from the heart. The only person who can talk is the man holding the talisman – the others listen from the heart. When he is done, he passes on the talisman but I encourage participants to hold it for a bit longer and see if there is more in their heart.

Being able to stop and think, go deeper – without the fear of being interrupted – is very powerful. There is no crosstalk in the circle – commenting on other men’s share or giving advice – but it is possible to take up themes and share what resonated in your heart. This technique brings out a special kind of sharing and – just as important – listening.

Watch video: What happens at a Men’s Retreat? "Opens vital new dimensions." H. (44, Germany) What brings a man to a men’s retreat? "A fantastic way to find yourself in midlife." R. (45, UK)

While women can’t imagine getting through life without the support of their girlfriends. most men feel, deep down, alone.

They have fewer friends, the bonds are weaker and they can go for months and years without talking or meeting up. So most men arrive at their first retreat with both fear and a inner loneliness which normally they often can’t quite articulate.

Many men book at retreat because of some sort of crisis. The old messages about being a man – be strong, be successful, don’t complain and get on with it – are no longer working. The old untreated wounds from childhood are hurting more and old ways of numbing out have stopped working, bring chaos or create new and worse problems.

Another common reason for attending a men’s retreat is being frightened of women’s anger and not knowing how to react: beyond going silent and retreating or getting defensive and going on the attack. A relationship crisis, like their partner saying I love you but I’m not in love with you – or threatening divorce can provide the impetus to discover another response.

Finally, men arrive looking for a new direction and time away from the everyday to take stock. I answer this need by doing a vision quest – this is a bit like Jung’s idea of Active Imagination. It is a way of accessing the unconscious and the parts of ourselves than know what is right for us. I think of it is a guided dream and it normally provides an image, an inner helpful figure or for the lucky ones a concrete path forward.

What are the goals of my male midlife crisis retreat? "Enlightening to get in touch with my intuition." J. (38, UK)

After a retreat, a man will have a better understanding of himself and his potential.

Seeing other men close-up provides not just positive inspiration but – because it is easier to spot your own mistakes in someone else – a wake-up call for his own destructive behaviours that need to change.

Most importantly, other men will have gone from a threat or someone to compete against to a resource and a support.

What is the impact on the participant's relationships? "I would recommend it to anybody looking to turn up more powerfully and consciously in their lives." S. (42, UK)

This is perhaps the most important benefit from attending a men’s retreat.

A properly initiated and grounded man – who feels other men have his back – sends off a completely different message to women. On an unconscious level, his partner can relax knowing he might still get overwhelmed but is unlikely to disappear into himself or his man cave for hours or even days. He will be available to talk after a reasonable amount of time to decompress.

Instead of women feeling that they are constantly walking on eggshells – for fear of activating an over-sensitive man – they can relax and speak about what is on their mind. They will receive an empathetic hearing – because if their partner can listen to his own feelings, he can listen to hers. He is no longer afraid of her emotions because he is not afraid of his own.

Like to find out more about my retreat? "Reminded me that I am not alone." K. (50, Sweden)

My my next Men’s Retreat features a men’s initiation ceremony is in the woods just outside Berlin from Thursday 9th to Sunday 12th April 2025. 

Andrew G Marshall.

Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them. Free Download Share this Post Related Posts What I learned from my Men’s Retreat What happens at a Men’s Initiation Ceremony? Personal Growth in Men’s Retreats The Father Wound

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Men's Retreats What I learned from my Men’s Retreat Seven things I learned running a Men’s Retreat near Berlin Read More

I have just come back from running a men’s retreat in the woods in Brandenburg near Berlin. It’s time to reflect, think about what I will take with me and put out the call for the next gathering.

So what have I learned from the men who joined me? They know they are missing something important and feel untethered to their own lives.

October 21, 2025 By Andrew G. Marshall Men's Retreats 1. Men are longing for deeper connection "Definitely helped me make leaps towards growing up." T. (39, Germany) Men are longing for deeper connection to themselves and each other.They are tired of being shut off from the people they love and love them.They are just waiting for the tools and a safe-enough environment to open up. 2. The importance of like-minded people "Bringing together men from all walks of life and all corners of the world to explore what it means to be a man today in a safe, interactive and fun space." D. (52, Germany)

The importance of meeting like-minded people when you’re on a journey of self-discovery and self-improvement. Sometimes, it feels like nobody gets you or sees the progress that you’re making but meeting others on the same path, you realise you’re not alone.

3. We are too easily distracted "Opens vital new dimensions." H. (44, Germany)

Although everyone was horrified that there was no wifi (and we were so remote that mobile signals did not reach our Seminar House), stepping away from 24-hour news and social media updates was extremely calming.

4. The importance of reconnecting with nature "A fantastic way to find yourself in midlife." R. (45, UK)

Every morning, I would come down to the jetty and watch the mist rising from the lake. My internal rhythms were being set to another frequency. I felt an opening up, a calming down and a connection to something greater than myself.

5. We are cut off from the wisdom of our ancestors "Enlightening to get in touch with my intuition." J. (38, UK)

One of the most popular moments of the day with the participants, and my personal favourite, was reading one of the Grimms Fairy Tales out aloud round a camp fire. These are the collected wisdom of the generations that came before us.

Jung called it ‘collective dreaming’ and unlocking the messages embedded in the story and sharing what they mean – in different ways, to different people – was extremely powerful.

6. How well men work together for greater good "I would recommend it to anybody looking to turn up more powerfully and consciously in their lives." S. (42, UK)

There were twenty-three men in the circle and beforehand I had wondered how I could support all of them. But I had underestimated how much, the men had each other’s backs. They were simple tasks needed for the smooth running of the retreat too and everyone mixed in to perform them – not as chores but joyfully as a service to others.

7. The journey has only just begun "A surprising and unique joy." H. (44, Germany)

We hope that one giant push will change everything but our coping mechanisms were inserted long ago (when we were children). They sort of worked in the past, but they are out-of-date and need upgrading. However, they take time to be found, worked on and rooted out.

Change is slow. It doesn’t matter because the ball has started rolling. You just need to pay attention, be brave and carry-on. You can always reach out for the support and understanding of other men on the same path.

Ready to join us? "Reminded me that I am not alone." K. (50, Sweden)

You could also join my next Men’s Retreat, happening April 2026. The call has gone out. Are you going to hear it? What’s stopping you? I do hope to welcome you onto my next Men’s Retreat.

Andrew G Marshall.

An excellent listen on a related theme: Conroy Harris: Rites of Passage and Mentoring: How to Become an Adult

Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them. Free Download Share this Post Related Posts What I learned from my Men’s Retreat What happens at a Men’s Initiation Ceremony?

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Men's Retreats What happens at a Men’s Initiation Ceremony? Why it is never too late to do one Read More

In traditional societies, there were initiation ceremonies to help boys transition into men. While we still have meaningful rituals for other transitions – christening a baby to welcome it into the family, marriage ceremonies to celebrate the change from being single to a couple and funerals at the end of life – the journey from boy to man goes unmarked.

The nearest equivalent today would be your father buying your first legal pint down the pub or the bar mitzvah for Jewish boys at 13. Deep in their hearts, many men feel lost. They know they are missing something important and feel untethered to their own lives.

October 21, 2025 By Andrew G. Marshall Men's Retreats So what happened in these traditional initiation ceremonies? "Transformative." M. (55, Switzerland)

At around twelve or thirteen years old, the boys were kidnapped from their mother’s hearth – in the middle of the night – by the adult men and taken deep into the dark woods. Their mothers would pretend to be horrified and put up a fight to save them. Why was this necessary? Few boys would voluntarily leave the warmth and comfort of their mothers’ orbit – three hot meals a day and unconditional love – but without making this transition from the women’s sphere to the men’s, how could they become a full man?

The advantages would be:Embracing new roles, right and responsibilities. This clear marker of growth supports healthy psychological development and self-awareness.Community and belonging – it strengthened bonds within the group.Teaching opportunity – passing on cultural knowledge and values.Spiritual connection – it was both an initiation into the sacred rites of the community and a grounding for a deeper sense of purpose.Clear transition – it would mark the end of childhood and reduce identity struggles.

In the woods, the boys would be put through an ordeal – possibly having tooth knocked out, receiving a small wound or having to achieve some task – because adversity brings us face to face without selves and teaches us important lessons.

Afterwards, they would be told the secrets of the tribe and how to be a man. They would be welcomed back to the village with a great feast. From that day forwards, they would be treated as men.

Men's Retreat near Berlin, April 2026 "Bringing together men from all walks of life and all corners of the world to explore what it means to be a man today in a safe, interactive and fun space." D. (52, Germany)

Does this sound something from which you would benefit? I have a Men’s Retreat in April 2026 where I will take a group of men into the woods near Berlin.

What will happen at my men’s retreat:The whole retreat from beginning to end will be a ritual.We will start by building a container so the group can support each other on the journey.The motto will be ‘no man left behind.’At the centre of the ritual is an ordeal / challenge. I promise no lasting damage (or loss of teeth).You will be welcomed into the tribe of initiated men.Afterwards, there will be a celebration and we will look at what are the secrets of being a man today. Is it for you? "Courageously refreshing." R. (45, UK) Why you might like to come and experience an initiation ceremonyIt is harder to make the transition from provisional adulthood (our twenties and thirties) into full adulthood (in our forties) where we need to focus less on what society think is right for us and more on what we need ourselves.Help to move from adulthood into being an elder. The ancient wisdom is that if the elders are sick, the whole society is in trouble. Unfortunately, we have no idea what it means to cross the sixty-year-old threshold and be comfortable in our skin. If we can’t do it for ourselves, how can we do it for the next generation?Think about the unspoken rules of being a man and whether they are working for you.Help you make deeper bonds with other men.Get to know yourself better, open up and speak your truth.Feel less alone in the world.Support your son(s) to make the transition from boy to man. Ready to join us? "An incredible journey of self discovery and understanding the power of connection with other men." T. (39, Germany) "A year's worth of therapy in four days." K. (50, Sweden)

I have put out the call for April 2026. Are you going to hear it and join us? I do hope to welcome you onto my next Men’s Retreat.

Andrew G Marshall.

An excellent listen on a related theme: Conroy Harris: Rites of Passage and Mentoring: How to Become an Adult

Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them. Free Download Share this Post Related Posts The Father Wound My Partner Has No Time For Sex

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Self Development Personal Growth in Men’s Retreats A Pathway to Transformation Read More

In recent years, men’s retreats have emerged as powerful spaces for personal growth and self-discovery. These retreats offer a sanctuary for men to step away from the demands of daily life, reconnect with their inner selves, and explore their emotional and psychological landscapes.

When I lead groups of men – seeking personal growth – I stress the potential at a psychological retreat for fostering self-awareness and breaking free from limiting beliefs.

March 5, 2025 By Andrew G. Marshall Personal Development The Unique Appeal of Men’s Retreats

Unlike traditional therapy or workshops, men’s retreats provide an immersive environment where participants can engage deeply with their emotions and challenges. These retreats often combine structured activities like group discussions, mindfulness practices, and physical challenges with unstructured time for reflection. The goal is not only to heal past wounds but also to cultivate a renewed sense of purpose and clarity.

My upcoming retreat, “Reconnect With Yourself”, exemplifies this approach. Scheduled for Autumn 2025, it is designed as an extended ritual to help men access their inner voice—the part of them that knows what is truly right for their lives. This focus on introspection allows participants to confront unresolved issues, whether related to relationships, career pressures, or personal identity.

The Role of Vulnerability in Growth

One of the most significant barriers to personal growth for men is societal conditioning around vulnerability. Many men are taught to suppress emotions, equating openness with weakness. My retreat will create a supportive space where men can safely explore their feelings without judgment. Sharing experiences with like-minded individuals fosters a sense of community and belonging, which is often missing in modern life.

A retreat is not just about fixing problems but about rediscovering one’s authentic self. By addressing limiting beliefs and embracing vulnerability, participants often experience profound breakthroughs that ripple into all areas of their lives.

Practical Tools for Everyday Life

Men’s retreats also equip participants with practical tools to sustain their growth beyond the retreat setting. Techniques such as mindfulness meditation, journaling, and breathwork are common components. These practices help men stay grounded and maintain the insights gained during the retreat.

At my Reconnect With Yourself Men’s Retreat for Personal Growth, I will also be offering dream analysis, community singing and a vision quest. Participants return home not only invigorated but also equipped with strategies to navigate life’s challenges more effectively.

Breaking the Cycle

The ultimate goal of these retreats is to break cycles of emotional isolation and disconnection. I want to help men build healthier relationships with themselves and others.

By addressing core issues in a nurturing environment, participants can redefine masculinity in ways that prioritize emotional intelligence and authenticity. There is no need to pass on the inherited wounds from our fathers onto the next generation.

Conclusion

Men’s retreats offer a unique opportunity for transformation by blending introspection, community support, and actionable tools for growth. These experiences are not just about healing but about creating a life aligned with one’s true values. For men seeking clarity, connection, and purpose, such retreats can be life-changing steps toward personal evolution.

I hope to welcome you onto my next men’s retreat.

Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them. Free Download Share this Post Related Posts The Father Wound My Partner Has No Time For Sex

Self Development The Father Wound Fathers are traditionally figures of guidance, protection, and affirmation. When these roles are unfulfilled, it can leave scars that shape behaviour and emotional patterns into adulthood. Read More

The “father wound” is a psychological term describing the emotional and psychological impact of a distant, absent, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable father. This wound often shows up in men as struggles with self-worth, identity, and in their relationships, it stems from unmet needs during childhood.

Fathers are traditionally figures of guidance, protection, and affirmation. When these roles are unfulfilled, it can leave scars that shape behavior and emotional patterns into adulthood.

March 5, 2025 By Andrew G. Marshall Personal Development How the Father Wound Manifests in Men

Men with a father wound often grapple with feelings of inadequacy and a lack of direction. This may show up as one or several of the following:

Struggles with Identity: Without a positive male role model, men may feel uncertain about their purpose or what it means to be a man.Difficulty Expressing Vulnerability: An emotionally unavailable father can lead men to suppress emotions, equating vulnerability with weakness.Anger and Aggression: Unresolved pain often seeps out as irritability or simple outward aggression.Fear of Failure: A lack of paternal affirmation can foster perfectionism or avoidance of challenges due to fear of inadequacy. It can also show up in procrastination.Relationship Struggles: Men may find it difficult to trust others or form healthy emotional connections, often repeating patterns of emotional unavailability. It can leave the women who love them feeling unheard and shut out and friendships with other men based on shared love of sport and teasing each other rather then something deeper.Offloading problems onto women: When boys are under-fathered, they normally become over-mothered to compensate. When they grow into men grow up and find a wife, the pattern continues and she can be his main source of emotional advice and support. Sometimes, it can feel to their wives that they have an extra child – their husband.

These issues are not isolated but are often compounded by intergenerational trauma. Fathers who carry their own unresolved wounds may inadvertently pass them on to their sons, perpetuating cycles of pain.

Psychological Roots and Impacts

The father wound is deeply tied to attachment theory. Early interactions with caregivers shape one’s attachment style, influencing how individuals relate to themselves and others.

Men with unresolved father wounds may develop insecure attachment styles—either avoidant or anxious—leading to difficulties in relationships and self-image. Additionally, societal expectations surrounding masculinity often discourage men from addressing these wounds openly, further complicating the healing process.

The consequences extend beyond personal struggles. Men with unhealed father wounds may exhibit controlling behaviors or seek external validation through work, relationships, or addictions. These patterns can hinder personal growth and perpetuate cycles of emotional isolation.

Healing the Father Wound

Healing requires acknowledging the wound and its impact. Steps include:

Recognizing the Pain: Admitting how the father-child relationship has shaped beliefs and behaviors is crucial. This involves confronting feelings of abandonment, anger, or inadequacy without self-blame.Sitting with the pain: Rather than reaching for old coping strategies – like switching off or self medicatingCreating better relationships with other men: It might be making more of an effort with your father (after all he is a different person today than the one when you were growing up). Alternatively, it could be finding male mentors to provide healthy father energy or deepening the bonds with your make friends by opening up about what is troubling you,Forgiveness: While forgiveness does not excuse harm, it helps release resentment and fosters emotional freedom. It is important to forgive yourself and your father (and his father too).Reparenting: Learning to provide oneself with the love, guidance, and affirmation that was missing during childhood is transformative,Breaking Cycles: By cultivating self-awareness and healthier relationships, men can prevent passing these wounds onto future generations.Therapy: Trauma-informed therapy provides a safe space to unpack complex emotions and develop healthier coping mechanisms.Connecting with the wisdom of other men: Coming to a men’s retreat is a great way to heal the father wound. It is often easier to see your mistakes in other men. You can also find inspiration for different ways to be a man from watching others at close quarters. Most importantly, you can practice being more open in a safe environment. Conclusion

The father wound is a profound psychological challenge that affects many men but is not insurmountable. Through self-awareness, therapy, and intentional healing practices, men can break free from its constraints.

Addressing this wound not only fosters personal growth but also helps build healthier families and communities for future generations.

I hope to welcome you onto my next men’s retreat.

Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them. Free Download Share this Post Related Posts Personal Growth in Men’s Retreats How to Argue Constructively

Relationship Advice My Partner Has No Time For Sex How do I talk about it without causing a row? Read More

There’s nothing worse than finding lovemaking is at the bottom of your partner’s list of priorities. It makes you feel undesirable, that your needs are not important and builds a wall between the two of you.

Most articles on this topic will tell you not to panic: it could be a phase (and all couples go through times when they are busy and not feeling sexy). They go on to talk about scheduling sex dates, aiming for quality over quantity, maintaining open communication about your needs and desires for intimacy.

All good advice, but if it was that easy – nobody would be having a problem.

January 15, 2025 By Andrew G. Marshall Relationship Advice Five reasons why you should be worried

Instead of dismissing your concerns, take them seriously:

There is something you’re not being told

We find it really hard to talk about sex. It is partly a hang up from our upbringing which treated sex as a dirty joke. But the main reason is that it is incredibly personal and reveals so much about us.

We are also aware that our partner is equally sensitive. So it is much easier to find an excuse rather than to talk openly about sexual problems (both personal and shared) and hope they will go away.

All too often there is unconscious contract: You both know there is something wrong but pretend the problem is a lack of time (and energy).

There is something you have been told but you’re not hearing

Sometimes one partner will speak up but is not believed – or only partially believed – and therefore the problem can be dismissed.

Is there something that your partner says and you response is ‘yes but…’ – because it is unreasonable, unfair or disagreeable? In effect, you are putting a set of brackets round your partner’s truth and focusing on your truth.

What would happen if you took every word your partner said as the truth?How would that be?What have you not TRULY heard?Low and no-sex relationships are a ticking time bomb

Your relationship can survive periods where there is no sex (by which I mean no intercourse, oral sex or mutual masturbation) but it will be severely tested if there is no intimacy (by which I mean kissing, stroking, cuddling and sharing confidences).

There are relationships which have become no-sex relationships but these only work if both partners genuinely consent – not one person loses interest and feels that because the other partner has not kicked up much fuss recently DOES consent.

Hoping for the best is not a strategy

It is always important to check in with your partner, from time to time, and find out where they currently stand on the frequency, duration and type of sex they want. Start with what is working for you and what you like. This sets a positive tone.

If your partner says something hurtful – it can be hard – but take a deep breath and check back what you’ve heard: ‘I think you said….’ All too often, we hear OUR fears rather than what our partner actually SAID.

If you have heard them correctly, thank them for their honesty. At least the problem is out in the open. Give yourself time to process what you have heard before continuing the conversation. It might not look so bleak or upsetting.

Your sex life can be so much better (but it takes work)

I want to strike an optimistic note. I have worked with many couples who feared their differences were insurmountable. It is easy to be despondent or stigmatise the desires of the other person. However if you keep talking, there is nearly always a third way – not your way, not your partner’s way, not some straight down the middle compromise but a genuinely different path.

So don’t give up. Keep talking and listening. Get professional help to live in the in-between times (the space between the past which has stopped working and the unknown future).This is the work but it’s worth it. Something better is waiting for you.

How do I talk to my partner about sex without it causing a row?

The better you know someone, surely the easier it is to talk about sex? But, surprising as it may sound, the opposite is more likely to be true with your partner.

Many of the couples that I counsel are left guessing what each other likes or dislikes depending on a conversation they had fifteen years ago or more, when they first met. Over the years people’s needs and desires change, but your partner won’t know if you don’t share them. So here is how to update your sex-life for the people you are today.

Don’t talk about sex in the bedroom. Although your bedroom is a private space, it is too loaded for such an intimate topic. I recommend a long car journey alone together (as less eye contact can make talking easier) or over dinner (eating can cover potentially embarrassing silences or provide thinking time).Concentrate on the positive. We all have insecurities, so even the most innocuous statements can be heard as criticism. So ‘start with an unambiguously positive statement: ‘I really enjoy our love-making’ or remember a particularly good occasion: ‘Do you remember that four-poster bed in Paris?’ and explain what you liked. Follow up with a question that invites your partner to think creatively: How can we build on that?Avoid words that raise the stakes. As soon as you say ‘never’ or ‘always’, your partner will get defensive or find the one exception. Own your statements: ‘I feel’ instead of ‘You make me feel.’Be specific as possible. Instead of saying ‘I’d like longer cuddles’ try saying ‘I’d like to cuddle for ten minutes’ or your partner could think you mean hours of foreplay. If your partner says something upsetting, ask him or her to explain, or ask a question. You might have jumped to the wrong conclusion.Show rather than tell. A touch is worth a thousand words, so take your partner’s hand and put it where you’d like to be caressed, or use it to show when you prefer firmer or lighter pressure. When it feels good, let out a moan or a sigh so you’re giving positive reinforcement. Great sex after fifty

No-one would deny sex is important to a meaningful life, but what that looks like changes as we age. In this first episode of my personal development podcast The Meaningful Life with Andrew G. Marshall, international sex therapist and Daily Mail columnist Tracey Cox discusses her new book Great Sex Starts at 50: How to Age-Proof Your Libido.

While wild, lustful sex can certainly be a unique and special life experience, the sex that brings us meaning is different. It’s the sex that lasts past the orgasm, to include that afterglow as you lie together or even just make each other a post-coital cup of tea. It’s about building a sexual relationship that is not solely focused on orgasm.

Trying new things is something the majority of couples never do – but it’s a simple recipe for exciting, meaningful sex, and Tracey and I have plenty of tips on where to start.

You can find out more about keeping sex great in a long-term relationship in my book Have the Sex You Want: A Couple’s Guide to Getting Back the Spark.

What's your love-making style?

Everybody has a preferred way of making love, understanding both yours and your partner’s will provide ideas for mixing things up in the bedroom. So take this simple test.

When it comes to the right ambience for love making, I would prefer:

a) Sex in a romantic context where my partner and I are feeling loving towards each other.b) Sex in a setting close to nature – for example, a field of long grass or on a beach – assuming we were totally alone and could be sure of not being disturbed.c) Sex in a dramatic setting – for example, a New Orleans brothel, a harem or a medieval dungeon.

When it comes to technique, I prefer:

a) My favourite position for intercourse: face-to-face with the one I love.b) Slow and rhythmic movements which allow me to enjoy the shades of pleasure during intercourse.c) A wide variety of positions for intercourse.

My ideal sex is:

a) An expression of love for my partner.b) A trip into a world of sensory images and tingling nerve endings.c) A drama that begins with attraction, develops a plot filled with intrigue, mystery and sex play and ends with a tumultuous orgasm.

I’m most likely to be in the mood for passionate sex when:

a) I’m feeling really loving towards my partner.b) I’m physically relaxed and mentally receptive.c) I’m feeling playful and adventurous.

When it comes to the perfect place for making love, I would choose:

a) Somewhere that has special meaning for me and my partner.b) Somewhere that ensures total privacy.c) A semi-public place to make secret love.

When it comes to foreplay, my first choice would be:

a) Kissing the face and the lips and the neck.b) Anything where the pacing and repetition permits us to become absorbed into the moment.c) Plenty of accomplished oral sex.Understanding the results

Mostly a) – You enjoy Partner-Focused sex.

There is lots of affectionate sweet talk and intimate conversations before, during and after sex. You enjoy valentines, love songs, romance and closeness. This style is eyes open, lots of kissing, cuddling and full body contact. For you, sex is a loving merger.

Mostly b) – You enjoy Trance-style sex.

The focus is inward looking and centred on either giving or receiving pleasure, and you will often drift into your own private world. Sex is an altered state of consciousness with little talking and any fantasies are normally without a script but full of sensual images, colours and shapes. You like lots of patterned touching and a steady rhythm to help you sink further into the trance.

Mostly c) – You enjoy Creative sex.

The mood is playful, fun and dramatic with a whole range of practices to keep your sex life vital and adventurous. While for many couples fantasy is something only whispered (or more probably kept private), creative couples share and act out their desires which can include dressing up, role plays (like naughty school girl and teacher) props and toys.

How to use this questionnaireCompare your preferred style with your partners.If they are different, could you be generous and offer something that would increase their enjoyment?Look at your own second style, would you like to develop these tastes further?

For those looking to explore further, I have a team of experienced sex therapy specialists that can provide counselling services.

Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them. Free Download Share this Post Related Posts How to Argue Constructively Are you in a Zombie Marriage?

Relationship Advice How to Argue Constructively Arguing is extremely healthy in relationships - as long as you do it properly... Read More

Arguing is extremely healthy in relationships, as long as you do it properly. In fact by becoming good at rows your partnership can survive anything.

The first step to effective arguments is understanding your fighting style and, perhaps even harder, owning up to your own bad arguing habits.

In this article, I will look at how to transform your fights from negative to positive.

January 14, 2025 By Andrew G. Marshall Relationship Advice Tactic: Blocking Most likely to say“I don’t want to talk about this.”“Why are you always so angry?”“Not that again, how will we ever move on if you’re obsessed with the past?”Effect

Your partner remains Mr Nice. Calm and reasonable, while your hackles are so raised you could hang the washing on them! It all leaves you feeling guilty and unreasonable. In the worst cases, partners of ‘Blockers’ find themselves apologising for bringing their problems up in the first place.

Deal with it

Try the ABC approach:

First Address his problem, and show him you understand: “I know you don’t like disagreements”Bridge: for example “but”Communicate: “I feel taken for granted when you…” Tactic: Silence Most likely to say“Could you pass the butter?”Effect

Your partner pulls their sulking and moodiness round them like a protective shell. They hope to avoid a row but actually just makes you angrier still. Of course nothing is resolved and the problems fester.

Deal with it

The temptation is to become angrier and angrier until you finally provoke a reaction. However once the argument is at fever point, it is impossible to solve anything. Find another way round, like writing a letter or alternatively bring your problem at a less emotionally charged time.

Many silent people are prepared to calmly discuss the issues, but their fear of spoiling a good time means they don’t take the opportunity.

Tactic: Dropping Bombs Most likely to say“You’re talking crap.” The A-Z of bad language, or they may decide a slammed door is worth a thousand words.Effect

This normally happens after he or she has been blocking or silent and the simmering pressure cooker has finally exploded. Dropping Bombs is very aggressive and immediately puts you on the defensive. Afterwards your partner is ashamed; you both kiss and make up; both promise to try harder. For a while it’s better, until the whole cycle starts again.

Deal with it

The secret is to deal with the pinches of day to day life before they are saved up for a crunch. I call this ASK and TELL. When something minor happens do tell your partner you’re upset and if their nose seems out of joint ask.

This works best with the minor irritations. If it is too late and he’s dropping bombs. Try modelling the pleasant behaviour you’d like; being nice to somebody who is on the attack can often stop them dead in their tracks.

Tactic: Getting cruel and personal Photo by asaf rovny on Unsplash Most likely to say“Just because you’re putting on weight, there’s no need to take it out on me.”“What would we expect from somebody so stupid?”“You’re just like your mother.”Effect

This is perhaps the most devastating tactic. Your partner blames the insults on the heat of the moment, but you are left hurting for weeks and sometimes years afterwards. No wonder these couples are most vulnerable to divorce.

Deal with it

Don’t be tempted to trade insults, this just turns up the heat. However nobody should put with this, explain what you find offensive and walk away. There is no point trying to argue with somebody in this frame of mind and staying only condones unacceptable behaviour.

Tactic: Bad Timing Most likely to say“Could you turn down the TV, there’s something we need to discuss.”“Could you stop washing the children and listen to me?”Effect

You ask if you can discuss it later and your partner stomps off, shouting that you never listen. When you try and talk later, they sulk. For your partner this is often a win, win situation. They can blame you for not facing the problems, and at the same time not have to listen to you ‘go on.’

Deal with it

Most people are not as calculating at this tactic seems. They are simply not self-aware enough to understand all their deeper motivations. Try calling their bluff and listen. It will be worth missing ten minutes of your TV show and unless the children are very small they are unlikely to drown in the bath.

Tactic: Trying to solve problems on the spot Most likely to say“So what do you want me to do about it?”“But it’s easy….all you have to do is…..”Effect

You feel that you’re not being listened to and often your partner has no idea about the real problem. Worse still, sometimes you’re not looking for a solution but need a moan. Sadly some people think they have to solve problems, rather than talk round a problem and know a solution will emerge organically.

Deal with it

Listen to your partner’s solution, because they are trying to be helpful. Next explain that you’d like to talk more before making the final decision. Finally discuss the options together. This is called the three stage model of problem solving. You need to EXPLORE, then UNDERSTAND before finally moving to ACTION.

Tactic: Wild generalisations Most likely to say“You never pick up anything after yourself.”Effect

Your partner immediately goes on the defensive, by listing the times they have, or alternatively shifts to attack mode. The row is turned into a tennis match with both of you trading insults

Deal with it

Be specific: “Would you mind clearing your papers off the table?” Try and take the word ‘never’ and ‘always’ out of your vocabulary. It takes a while to break the habit but it’s worth the effort. The results can be revolutionary.

Tactic: Assumed Telepathy  Most Likely to Say“I know you’ve always hated my mother.”Effect

This tactic is normally used against the silent treatment. It can work in the short term, because it opens up communication, but also makes your partner very lazy. Why should they work out what they’re feeling, when you’re willing to fill the blanks?

Worse still, you can often be wrong and sometimes picking a fight when none is needed.

Deal with it

Instead of putting words into their mouth, ask questions. “Are you doing this because you hate my mother?” Follow it up with a more general question: Have you any idea why you’re behaving like this?”

Give them time to think, even if it means sitting in silence, and don’t move onto another topic.

Tactic: Emotional Old Scores  Most Likely to Say“And another thing, in the summer of ’93 you flirted outrageously with that buxom woman at the barbecue.”Effect

These ‘Museum Tours’ makes it impossible to solve anything, because the argument is about a hundred things at a time. If by a miracle, resolution is on the horizon another old score is lobbed into the row.

Deal with it

Shift the focus onto a specific piece of future behaviour, rather than the past. For example: “at the party on Saturday, please don’t slow dance with….” Once issues begin to be faced, the temptation to dwell on old scores will pass.

Tactic: Crying/Blurting  Most Likely to Say“Now look what you’ve done…”“You hate me”Effect

Tears puts you on the defensive, sometimes your partner will be sympathetic and in the short term you feel better. However your anger is still there and the problems remain unsolved. If however, the tears are seen as weapons, your partner will become angry and the row escalates.

Deal with it

If you’re tearful, try voicing the feelings instead: “what you’ve said makes me tearful.” In this way you are stating your case rather being overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions. Practice the technique first in a less threatening environment, like when a friend upsets you.

Tactic: Nagging  Most Likely to Say“When are you finally going to get round to putting up that shelf?”Effect

You feel terrible, your partner plays victim and both of you are completely exhausted. In the long term, it slowly sours the atmosphere in the home and eats away at love.

Deal with it

Nagging often happens because one partner is either unwilling or feels unable to say a direct no. They think it easier to agree and slip the project into their ‘I’ll get round to it someday’ file. Alternatively they could have under estimated the time needed but allowed you to assume it could be done quicker.

When one of you takes on a job, talk through what is involved. This gives you both a clear understanding of the time scale; and together you can agree when the job should be finished.

Finally, phrase a request so your partner can decline. This gives you the choice of doing it yourself, getting someone else in, or having a row (but at least the fight will be over quicker than the long-term guerrilla warfare of nagging.)

Tactic: Withholding favours  Most Likely to Say“If you think you’re going to get round me with a kiss, you’ve got another think coming.”Effect

Normally this means a sex strike, but also includes cooking just for yourself and only doing your own laundry. It brings problems to a head, especially as most people imagine that while they are still having sex nothing is fundamentally wrong, but really this is a last ditch tactic.

Deal with it

This is a sneaky way of fighting. Instead of a being up front about what’s troubling you, the focus is shifted. Look deep into your heart and make a list of what makes you angry.

Take the smallest item on the list and focus on that first. If you have ‘gone off sex’ but consider your relationship generally happy, your body is probably telling you to think again.

Under these circumstances consider visiting psycho-sexual therapist – I have two on my team if you would like to make an appointment.

How to avoid the nothing changes scenario During an argument, it is easy to think of ourselves as innocent and our partner as guilty. Take responsibility for your half of the argument.Don’t try and aim to win an argument. Lasting change is brought about my compromise. So if he agrees to stop something which irritates you, make a deal and change something in return.Hear each other out. Don’t use the time he’s talking to rehearse your side of the argument and don’t interrupt, unless it is for a clarification. Some couples find it works best if they allow five uninterrupted minutes each. At the end, repeat back his main points. This will make him feel heard and understood. Then switch over.Don’t sweat the small stuff. Often we don’t give in, even though it is something we don’t really care about, in case it makes us feel generally weak. Keep your fights for the really important issues.Respect each other. You don’t have to agree, but unless you respect each other’s opinions the relationship is fundamentally flawed. How NOT to argue He really annoys you at a party by telling dirty jokes – once alone you explode: “You become such a ridiculous show off after a few drinks”.He defends / attacks: “At least I’m amusing. You sat there the whole night with a gob on.”It goes downhill from here as you each slip into your favourite “feud style”. How to argue with a purpose He annoys you. Don’t criticise. Tell him it made you feel: “I felt really embarrassed when you told that story.” This leaves no room for an argument. After all you are the expert on your feelings. An apology is more likely now than an attack.Next, move onto what you want to happen. For example the joke topics you find offensive, and wish he’d rule out.Negotiate: Perhaps there are things you do at parties that annoy him, which you could stop in return.If you get stuck, swap roles. He has to argue your side, and you have to argue his side. This can be a real eye-opener.We are often too willing to tell what we don’t like. So communicate the positive. For example: “I like the way you include me in conversations at parties.” Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them. Free Download Share this Post Related Posts My Partner Has No Time For Sex How To Keep The Spark Alive With Your Partner

Relationship Advice Are you in a Zombie Marriage? Take the test... Read More

On the outside, everything seems OK. You have great family days out. The children are doing well at school. Beyond occasionally snapping at each other, you don’t argue and would probably describe each other as ‘best friends’. However on the inside, your relationship looks very different.

When you’re alone, you don’t really have much to say – beyond swapping lists of jobs to be done. You can’t remember the last time you had sex together and it probably felt more like another thing to tick of your ‘to-list’ than something passionate and truly connected.

If you stopped and thought about it, you’d probably agree that something was wrong but you’re too busy – the kids need picking up from a party – or you’re hoping that some future event, like the children reaching second school, is going to magically make everything better.

Sounds familiar? Welcome to the Zombie Marriage. It looks alive and well but for one, or maybe both partners, something has died. Just like zombies in the movies, these marriages can stagger on forever but they are also incredibly vulnerable.

January 13, 2025 By Andrew G. Marshall Relationship Advice Example from my casebook

Sandy, 45, and Peter, 46 were childhood sweethearts and beyond briefly splitting up with each other in their late teens have always been together. They have three children aged twenty, seventeen and fifteen.

“Everything should be great. We have a nice house, three beautiful children and we’ve reached the point where they don’t need us so much and we should have more time for each other. Except Peter is always working – he had a period of being unemployed and he’s terrified of it happening again – so I sort of understand. He has also been acting out of character, on our youngest daughter’s case about normal teenage stuff like being disrespectful, but I put it down to stress.”

However Sandy had to reassess when Peter left his phone on the kitchen worktop and their daughter noticed a flirty text coming in and alerted her.

“Peter got all defensive. She is just a “friend” and any way she’s older than him. And can’t he have friends? Of course he can but why has he never mentioned her before? Do friends call each other sweetheart? When I try and raise this stuff with Peter, he fobs me off: “it’s just banter”, apparently.”

Interestingly, it was not Peter’s text friend who sparked the couple seeking help but Sandy had a training day – for her job as a teaching assistant – and felt such a strong attraction to one of the tutor’s that it was completely overwhelming.

“He suggested going for a coffee and initially I said yes. Except, I’m a very moral person and it was against everything that I stood for. So I cancelled and told Peter.”

“I was in complete shock at how close both of us had come to having an affair,” said Peter. “We talked more that night than we have done in years.”

Fortunately, they had decided to seek help with me rather than brush things under the carpet and came out the other side with a stronger and better relationship. You can find out more about what helped later in this article.

Thirteen signs of a Zombie Marriage

Look through the list and see how many apply to you and then read through the list again and imagine answering as your husband. Afterwards look at my guide to interpreting your responses.

We never do anything special – just the two of us

There’s plenty of family time but you never or hardly ever go out together without other couple friends. OK you’ll watch TV together and have a Valentine’s Day meal out but it feels more going through the motions than being truly romantic.

I’m bored a lot of the time

Being bored is a sure sign that you’re not putting enough energy into that part of your life. If you’re bored with your husband, it is probably that you’ve stopped being interested and imagine that you know everything about him.

We probably have sex about three times a year

When you do have sex it’s OK but it is more likely to be functional, brief and not particularly satisfying. Sometimes one or other of you will refuse sex to punish your partner or get your own way.

We often talk about the state of our friends’ marriages

It is always easier to see what’s wrong with someone else’s relationship than your own. When you become pre-occupied with your friends’ marriage cracks, it’s a sure sign that you’re avoiding looking at something closer to home.

We snap at each other and get defensive but never have an argument that solves anything

You think its nicer to avoid arguments but swallowing your differences means nothing comes up to the surface – where it can be solved. From time to time, the tension leaks out with snide comments or being short with each other but you can never get to the bottom of a problem – because one or both of you deny there’s anything wrong or even that you’re upset. There is more advice on communication in my book: I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I was a single parent

You have your system for doing things; your partner gets in the way, messes things up or causes arguments. Surely, life on your own would be less stressful?

There is something that one of us has forgiven but cannot forget

It might have been a past affair, a large gambling debt, an argument where horrible things were said or there was pushing and shoving and despite trying to move on something is stopping you.

I bite my tongue because there are so many topics we’ll never agree about

It might something relatively trivial (like what time your daughter has to get home) or long standing deep issues (for example he doesn’t like your mother) but you’ve stopped bringing them up because there’s no point. You just side-step each other and more and more go your own ways.

I find it hard to get through the weekend without thinking of a special friend

It could be a male work colleague with whom you can have a laugh or compare notes about your hopeless partners or an old boyfriend that you message on facebook who ‘really’ understands you. Instead of talking to your partner, you’re forging an ever closer bond with someone else.

I have told my partner ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’

Even if you haven’t said it, you’d instinctively understand someone who has. Basically, you still ‘like’ your partner but the passion has drained away and that feeling of being connected has gone.

I’m particularly close to our son and my husband has a special bond with our daughter

When you’re not getting positive male energy from your husband, you’re more likely to gravitate to someone who will provide it – normally your eldest son. Meanwhile, you husband is doing the same with one of your daughters. If you don’t think you are too close or tell one of your children too much, ask yourself: What would my other child or children say? Do they complain that I always take my son’s side? If you can recognise your husband as falling into this trap, it is likely you’re doing the same (because it’s always easier to see this in someone else).

If I won the lottery, I’d be tempted not to tell my partner

This is a sure sign that you’re dreaming of starting a fresh life away from your husband or that you feel controlled by him and a bit of ‘secret’ money would make things easier – either way answering yes means your relationship is in deep trouble,

I used to be angry with my partner but now I’m indifferent

At some point, you told yourself there is no point arguing any more and switched off completely. On the surface, everything seems better – especially to your husband who is likely to breath a sigh of relief. However, it is only a matter of time before you either ask for a divorce or cross the line into infidelity (which can be an even more painful way to end your marriage).

How to assess your score

When answering for yourself… if you agreed with three of the signs, it is cause for concern but you are not in a Zombie Marriage. Four is on the cusp and five or more has you soundly in a Zombie Marriage (but you probably knew that already).

When answering for your husband… the threshold for a zombie marriage is much lower because you’ll be less aware of his unhappiness than your own, so every yes is more dangerous.

If you agree to two signs, it could be just a bad phase. (However, I would still be concerned if you only having infrequent sex because men use this as main yardstick for measuring the health of their relationship. My alarm bells really start ringing when one partner is withholding sex as this is the complete opposite of being loving.)

Saying yes to three statements is on the cusp and four plus is Zombie Marriage territory.

Thirteen ways to cure a Zombie Marriage Have weekends away just the two of you (without the children).Adopt habits that promote more time together: eat together in the evening, find TV shows to watch together, go to bed at the same time etc.Stop calling each other Mummy and Daddy and start flirting with each other.Ask for what you want rather than expecting your partner to be a mind reader.Learn that its OK to say ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ and negotiate to find a solution acceptable to both of you.Touch each other more: cuddle up on the sofa while watching TV, give each other a back rub, have a bath together and wash each other’s hair.Deal with the small issues – rather than letting them go – as this will create confidence for tackling the medium sized and later the bigger ones.Put a lock on the bedroom door, so you have somewhere to be sexual without the fear of being interrupted.Keep phones and other electronic devices out of the bedroom, so it feels like a private space – rather than somewhere anybody can digitally enter.When there’s a problem don’t just label your husband as the cause, look at your own contribution to the stalemate.When your partner is talking to you put down what you’re doing and give him your full attention.Increase the number of compliments, thank-you’s and smiles. It takes FIVE of these positive interactions to wipe out ONE snide comment or turned back or frown.Argue more. It brings problems up to the surface and shows that you care enough to engage with your husband rather than just physically or emotionally walk away. What next?

Find more advice in my book Can We Start Again Please? Twenty Questions To Fall Back In Love.

Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them. Free Download Share this Post Related Posts My Husband Cheated and Had a Child Forgetting Details of Affairs – Does It Matter?

Relationship Advice How To Keep The Spark Alive With Your Partner Even if you have small kids... Read More

You got together because you and your partner enjoyed having fun together but after having children it is easy to be overwhelmed with the serious business of bringing them up, running a house and paying the bills.

However, you can still be lovers even when you are parents. So if you want to protect your loving connection or get back the spark, here’s two simple ideas (and five suggestions on how to put them into practice).

January 9, 2025 By Andrew G. Marshall Relationship Advice Romance

Romance helps build sexual energy and the planning involved shows that your partner is on your mind – even when you’re apart.

So when one of you decides to initiate lovemaking, romance has already got the engine running rather than trying to start from cold.

Five top tipsThe power of romance is increased by novelty. So don’t do what you’ve always done but add an element of surprise.Add a new dimension to the ordinary: Take your partner out for breakfast, meet for lunch, leave a chocolate on your partner’s pillow, dress up and look nice even though you’re staying in.Bring back memories: Watch a romantic movie that you both enjoyed when first dating, look at your wedding photos or video together, put on a favourite song and dance in the living room. Go somewhere with special associations.Be sensual: Have a bath together, wash each other’s hair, give each other a massage, build a camp fire and stare into the flames, light a scented candle, read a poem out loud.Give small presents: Buy flowers, novelty gifts (like a cuddly alien toy), a piece of jewellery or music your know your partner will enjoy. Express gratitude for something that could easily be taken for granted. Flirting

Flirting gives your partner a bundle of sexual energy and seeing if he or she sends it back – hopefully with interest.

It says ‘I’m still attracted to you’, reveals something about your heart, builds romance and boosts your partner’s self-esteem. However, it is important to stress that flirting is playful and fun – rather than a demand for sex.

Five top tipsThe secret of flirting is to start small. Start at the non-sexual end with a complement and then move onto something a little more explicit and only later make sexually charged overtures.At a distance. Leave a sweet message somewhere only he or she will find it, send a saucy text, tell your partner what you’re going to do to him or her when he or she gets homeCasual touch. Rub your leg against his or leg in a restaurant, gently touch your partner’s face, stroke your partner’s hair. Teasing. Play peek a boo (look from behind the menu in a restaurant and then hide your eyes). Show him that you’re wearing something naughty – like a garter – under your dress. Show her you’ve bought a small present but not let her open it until later. Tickle your partner.Kisses. Give an extra long kiss when your partner comes home, kiss with your eyes open, kiss him or her somewhere unexpected, vary your kisses (try lots of little butterfly kisses on the neck followed by blowing a raspberry on the stomach). Three barriers to desire

Lots of couples have a guilty secret that they wouldn’t even tell their best friend, and certainly not discuss together.

This secret is that once a couple has the right number of children for their family, sex happens so sporadically it’s probably less than ten times a year – what sex therapists call a low-sex relationship. This applies to about one in five marriages.

Most couples blames circumstances – stress, tiredness etc – but these are excuses; often it’s down to their attitudes and behaviour:

1. Unrealistic expectations

We have all sorts of expectations about how sex should be. In most cases, these are so deeply ingrained that most of my clients don’t know they hold them. So I often get them to complete this sentence: ‘Sex should….’ The most common answer is ‘sex should happen naturally’ but when you have a family nothing happens spontaneously – not at least without a lot of groundwork first!

Other couples worry that ‘sex should always be special’ so hold back until everything is perfect, except that the perfect time never comes. And what they don’t realise is that a quickie can be just as much fun. Perhaps the most damaging expectation is that ‘a couple doesn’t need to have sex to have a good marriage’ – as this allows a low-sex relationship to drift into a no sex one.

Of course nobody should be pressured into having sex they don’t want but equally nobody should have to do without the sex they do want.

Turn it round: To keep a healthy and vibrant love life forget spontaneity, you need to plan ahead and make a sex date. Of course, if one of you is under the weather, you can have a reorganise but always agree a new date together and still use the time to do something nice together – like have a long hot bath.

2. Pestering

Alan Riley is professor of sexual health at the University of Lancashire and he tracked levels of desire in a large sample and plotted them on a graph from highest to lowest. The majority of us lie in the middle but Riley found that, in general, women tend to fall somewhere on the lower end and men, in general, on the higher end. Therefore a typical woman in a relationship with a typical man will want sex less often than he does. Unfortunately, in a bid to get the sex he wants this makes him likely to not only drop repeated hints, but make sarcastic comments or crude remarks – which is a huge turn off for his partner or leads to duty sex (which doesn’t really satisfy him and damages her libido). Worse still, his wife is also more likely to repel all touch – whether sexual or not – because she’s worried that it might lead to intercourse.

Turn it round: You can get round the ‘all or nothing’ trap by agreeing a cuddle can be just a cuddle – not an invitation to sex. Agree places where loving touch – stroking and massages – are just that (for example on the sofa). In this way, you can both relax and enjoy the moment – without worrying if you’re going to get lucky or feel pestered.

3. Resentment

Many desire problems have their origins outside the bedroom. If you’re the principal breadwinner, you can feel that your hard work isn’t properly appreciated. When it comes to running the house and organising childcare, it’s easy for the partner doing the lion’s share to feel unsupported. However, instead of rocking the boat, most people swallow their dissatisfaction or let it seep out with barbed comments – either way it leads the biggest turn off of all: resentment

Turn it round: If you can talk about issues, it not only resolves them but stop another layer of resentment being added. Try explaining your position using the formula: I feel…. (so your partner doesn’t imagine something worse) when you….. (so reassures your partner it doesn’t happen all the time) because… (so he or she doesn’t assume the wrong reason). For example, I feel annoyed when you check your phone in front of me because it makes me think you’d rather be somewhere else.

Five types of bridges to desire

Relying on the same old comfortable bridge will eventually turn even the most passionate lovemaking into functional but unappealing sex. How many more bridges could you add to your love life?

Romantic: Dressing up and going out, dancing, satin sheets.Erotic: Watching yourself making love in a mirror, sharing saucy videos together, lingerie.Location: In the shower, four poster bed, cheap motel, blanket on the ground.Sensual: Massages, cuddling on the sofa semi-clothed, long lingering kisses.External: Sharing gourmet snacks in the bedroom, adult toys, fantasy. Five top tips for communicating about sexDon’t talk about problems in the bedroom. An immediate post-mortem seems like a comment on performance rather than an invitation to find out what is wrong.Turn it into a positive. Tell your partner: ‘I love it when you’re gentle’, rather than, ‘Why do you have to be so rough?’Use touch as well as words. Guide their hands to where you like to be touched; telling can seem like an order rather than a request.Work as an intimate team. A turned on partner is the best aphrodisiac of all.Take responsibility for your own pleasure. Don’t expect your partner to second guess what turns you on, help them out. If you are unsure, experiment on your own. What next?

Find more advice in my book Have The Sex You Want – A Couples Guide To Getting Back The Spark

Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them. Free Download Share this Post Related Posts My Husband is Angry With Me But He Had the Affair I Can’t Talk To My Husband Without Him Getting Angry

Relationship Advice My Husband Cheated and Had a Child It’s hard to get over an affair, but what if your husband cheated and had a child? Read More

Moving on from infidelity is always painful and complicated, but if a child was born from the affair, there’s now a permanent reminder of your partner’s extreme betrayal of trust.

Janine, 42, is trying to come to terms with the devastating impact of her husband Mark’s affair:

“Mark’s mistress had a baby 4 months ago and I am struggling to cope with this, as well as the knowledge that the affair had been going on for five years. We are trying to stay together but I don’t know how to cope with the baby. He sees her once a week but the affair is over (or so he says). I am trying not to nag, but I feel very angry a lot of the time and want to say nasty things to punish him. There always seems to be a dark atmosphere at the weekend when the visit is due. I don’t know what to do to try and cope with the situation and move forward.”

Conventional wisdom is that couples in Janine and Mark’s situation have two options:

Going “no contact”: the father of the child meets only basic legal and financial commitments.Full involvement: both the father and the wife to whom he has been unfaithful are fully involved in the child’s life, and the child is integrated into the family (as a child from a previous relationship normally would be).

Unfortunately, both these options are incredibly difficult and fraught with pitfalls. Having counselled a number of couples in this position, I can explain the pluses and minuses of each option.

If you’re in this situation, it will help to know what’s coming, and to recognise that neither option will be without considerable pain, and many discouraging setbacks.

September 18, 2024 By Andrew G. Marshall Relationship Advice Going "No Contact"

“I just found out that my husband of 10 years has a 2-month-old baby with his mistress. He tells me that he doesn’t have any feelings for the other woman and that it was a huge mistake. He tells me that he loves me and that I’m the world to him. We also have 2 children together. I don’t know what to do. I feel so much pain.” (Maria, via website comments).

If you’re in the ‘my husband cheated and had a child’ dilemma, going “no contact” can sound like the perfect solution. There’s a clean break, and surely that’s got to be best for your marriage? It also feels like concrete proof that you’re his number one priority.

However, there are five key pitfalls. It will help to discuss these and be ready to meet them head-on.

Shame: Your husband will be full of shame and guilt for ‘letting down his baby’ and this will be played on by the affair partner. I know he should also be feeling shame and guilt for letting YOU down but, in his mind, by staying with you he’s already doing the right thing.Regret: Your husband wants to save your marriage and will agree to anything. At the time, he will say ‘no contact’ and mean it, but he’s got all this guilt and shame, and now he’s had time to reflect he’s wondering if the second option might be better. He doesn’t dare to say anything in case there’s more tears and anger, so that brings me to point three.Dishonesty: Your husband is likely to lie. This is not because he’s a bad man but because lying is the only way to keep two people happy (the mother of his new child, and you) and he’s spent months and possibly years doing just that. He’s in the habit of solving an immediate crisis by promising the moon and stars (to both of you) but that just puts off the evil moment until you discover the secret texts, new email account, etc.Grief: Your husband needs to mourn. Perhaps he’s already met the baby and bonded or perhaps he needs to mourn the idea of being involved in the baby’s life. Unfortunately, mourning involves a lot of thinking about the baby and many men mistake that for a sign that he ‘should’ be involved with the child. In a weak moment, it’s easy to assuage the guilt by sending a text to enquire about the baby’s health. This lets him feel less of a monster – until you find out about it, of course.Conflict is exhausting: Inevitably you will get angry and there will be stressful, depleting arguments. A couple of days later, you will feel sorry and take back everything – you were tired or it was in the aftermath of finding another text. Unfortunately, this reinforces his doubts about whether it’s possible to save the marriage and encourages him to keep his options open (and check out her Facebook page). Integrating the child into the family

This option has compassion for the innocent child born from the affair, and if you’re truly involved – including seeing all the correspondence that goes back and forth – you can feel confident he’s not going behind your back and you can begin to rebuild trust.

However, there are five key pitfalls:

You can’t control the affair partner’s thinking: His affair partner possibly had the baby to ‘win’ your husband. In her mind, full of magical thinking, if he holds his baby in his hands the ‘scales will fall from his eyes’ and he will ‘know’ that he should be with her. In other words, she’s not just looking out for her child: she may still want your partner as part of the package.The baby’s mother will always be in your life: He can’t have a relationship with the baby without a relationship with the mother. With babies and young children, access will always involve seeing the mother. She is likely not to be keen on allowing you to be part of this access, because she is, in many cases, unstable and prone to seeing you as the enemy.The affair partner may not co-operate: The affair partner needs to be mature and put the interests of the baby first, but often, this just doesn’t happen. She will tell herself that her interests and the baby’s interests line up: they both need your husband, and that would be the best outcome for her child. It is not very likely that her goal will be to help you save your marriage by cooperating over access.Dishonesty: Your husband is probably still going to lie. He wants to keep everybody happy so he tells white lies – like he’s only going to call into the 1st birthday party for half an hour, when in fact he has already agreed to stay and help the mother clear up afterwards.The communication gets too hard: Everybody needs to be a great communicator to make it work. Sadly your husband is a people pleaser (and says what will keep other people happy). That’s why he didn’t speak up about his unhappiness and ended up being tempted by an affair in the first place. You’re angry, hurt and resentful and that doesn’t make for good communication either. Finally, the baby’s mother probably has an unspoken agenda and will say one thing but do another.

“I recently found out my husband has a three-year-old daughter. Our own baby is eight years old. I am so devastated and confused. Sometimes I think I can do this, that I can step aside and let him have a relationship with her, but it is killing me inside. I feel like she is stealing my life.”
(Sheri, via website comments).

Five tips for solving this dilemma

I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re full of despair but it is possible to find a way forward – if only slowly and with lots of good communication. Here are my five best tips (from the coal face of trying to make ‘my husband cheated and had a child’ work in the real world).

Learn to manage your anger. It is natural to get angry. So please don’t beat yourself up if your good intentions slip. It’s fine to report your anger – ‘I’m angry with you because…’ but things won’t work if you verbally abuse your husband, or generally take your feelings out on him. I know I’m asking a lot but that’s why you need to seek personal counselling to help you recover from the shock and mourn the loss of the ‘great’ husband that you thought you had, and move towards accepting the ‘doing his best under difficult circumstances’ husband.Don’t indulge in magical thinking. It’s easy to think ‘if he stops contacting her everything will be fine’ or to believe ‘if he truly loved me, he wouldn’t be doing this.’ In reality, he might be slowly but surely giving up on contacting her, but slipped up with another white lie because it takes time to break bad habits. In addition, it is possible to love you but also to want to know how the baby is doing. I would also counsel against the magical thinking that ‘divorce will make me feel better.’ Of course divorce is an option – and one some people choose – but don’t expect it to make everything better. Your husband will still be torn between two families and all the poor communication and lies will still be there (but you’ll have less influence over him). You’ll probably still be angry but for different reasons.Don’t set arbitrary tests. The most common one is ‘any contact behind my back and that’s the end’. However, contact does not have to be a setback. I was counselling a couple where he did meet up with the affair partner for a drink. His wife was angry, of course, but she was calm – and more resigned than anything. It helped that he told her about it (although a few weeks afterwards). Under these circumstances, they were able to talk properly (because he didn’t get defensive) and see the situation for what it really was: a setback rather than the end of the world. Ultimately, it made the man start to think ‘what did I see in her in the first place?.’Break the future into manageable chunks. If you focus on getting through the next few months, that will feel possible, if you start thinking about forever, that’s when it gets too much and you’ll both start to catastrophise. In addition, there will probably need to be different solutions when the child is different ages. When the child is older, his or her mother will probably have given up her fantasy of a full-time father (and might have married someone else) and you will feel differently too. So any solution, at this point, is going to be a somewhat temporary one.Keep talking. Although it seems like you’re staring into a black abyss, if you keep talking you will find chinks of light. It helps if you don’t let every argument become about the baby, especially if it’s really about leaving towels on the bathroom floor. In addition, talking (and listening) will help you improve your communication skills and that’s an asset whatever happens.

“I began to be able to understand why and how we had got into this mess and I am now a much stronger person and have reached a place where I no longer feel the pain of it all – although of course there are moments when I do. In fact, I can honestly say that this crisis has become a (totally!) unwanted opportunity to make important changes in my life which have benefited not only me but my family.”
(Jane, via my website comments).

Six Questions About the Children of Affairs

Q. I just found out that my husband had an affair. It lasted 2 months. She is pregnant. I cannot have children. We are trying to reconcile, but he is so torn up. He will of course want to be a father to the baby. But I am not sure he can separate those feelings from the mother of his child. I’m scared to try and work through this situation. I don’t know if he is strong enough. Part of me wants to stay and part of me wants to go. He says he wants to try, but he is scared as well. (Lucie, via website comments)

A. It takes a long time to recover from something so devastating and you’ll need help. Find a good therapist who will listen and allow the two of you to talk everything through. Don’t forget there is a third part to this triangle. Not only does he need to separate his feelings for the child from his feelings for the woman, but is she prepared to do the same by detaching her emotions towards him?

Q. My husband just confessed and said he slept with this woman once, and has now found out he could be a father to a six-month-old baby. I don’t know what to believe.

A. Don’t believe him or her! He has to earn your trust. Ask more questions about the affair so you can begin to understand what happened. In my experience, it is unlikely that they only slept together once. I would also want a paternity test, if she is asking for financial or emotional support from your husband. My book How Can I Ever Trust You Again? will help, as it explains the stages of recovery. You are at Stage One (shock), and you need to move to Stage Two (intense questioning) before you’ll be ready to make an informed choice.

Q. I am bringing up the issue of the baby a lot with my husband, because it’s always on my mind. It hurts so badly every day, especially because it’s nearly time for the baby to arrive. I am getting more and more angry because everyone knows, and I feel stupid for still wanting my marriage to work. He is asking me to stop mentioning the baby, and tells me he knows he messed up and that he’s sorry. (Tori, via website comments)

A. There is no right or wrong number of times to talk about this topic – there’s a lot to discuss! At the same time, it’s hard for him if every discussion – including ‘where’s all the milk gone?’ – ends up being about his infidelity. Conversely, if you feel you can’t bring it up, then you will feel resentful and end up exploding with anger (which doesn’t prompt productive talks either). Discuss with your husband how to find the right balance between the baby being a forbidden topic and the only one. Consider having a set time once or twice a week to talk. If you do go down this route, it is important to stick to the agreement (even if he’s not feeling up to it) because it’s better than constantly being ambushed by it.

Q. My husband had an affair and his child with the affair partner is now four years old. They live in Mexico. We are trying to work things out, but she writes to him a lot and tries to make him feel sorry for the little girl. She also continually asks for money, including for things like a mobile phone so that my husband can talk to the child. (Claire, via website comments)

A. My guess is that your husband is caught in a shame cycle. He feels shame for his infidelity, for bringing the girl into the world and for the hurt he’s caused you. Shame is a horrible emotion and we want to push it away immediately – and sending a cheque is the easiest way. Instead of debating whether the other woman’s latest request is fair or not (which just sets the two of you at each other’s throats), talk about the feelings that they prompt in him. Listen and ask more questions. You’ll find the techniques explained in my book I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.

Q. My husband cheated right before we got married. Three days before my wedding, his mistress told me she was pregnant. I was hurt but still went through with the marriage. A few months have passed and I am slowly and painfully accepting it. My husband is away for his job with the military, so I am talking to the affair partner about the child.I feel she’s not really looking out for the best interests of her child. We will have to pay child support so we should get our time with the baby as well. I need some insight on how to handle her. I’m trying to be the bigger person, but I honestly think she is just bitter. (Joanna, via website comments)

A. I doubt that you are going to get very far with talking to this woman because you are coming from two totally different places. To be honest, you want her out of your life but, as that’s not possible, you believe what’s best for the child is to have a relationship with your husband (and that involves you too). She believes what’s best for the child is for it to have a father. Full stop. Therefore, you are seen as the wicked witch who needs to be cast out to protect her child and her love for this man. So by all means try talking to her, but I would keep your expectations low and plan accordingly.

Q. My husband had an affair with a co-worker, and I found out when the baby was 2 months old (she is now 10 months). I am still in so much pain. He hid the whole thing from me as long as he could, because he knew this would be a dealbreaker for me, because I can’t have children myself. He says he wants to save the marriage, and I have been holding on. The affair partner is causing us endless trouble, however. She tells him she doesn’t want me near the baby, she calls him all the time about trivial things, and she tells people they’re still in a relationship. This is my husband’s only child, so he doesn’t want to rock the boat, but I feel like I’m facing a lifetime of this woman’s terrible behaviour. (Danni, via website comments)

A. I am afraid that everything you write is textbook. Your feelings of betrayal. The mistress trying to sabotage the marriage. Your husband caught like a rabbit in the headlights (and about to get run over any minute now). I write this to underline that you’re not being difficult, and your feelings are justified. The other woman is not being particularly evil and your husband is no more stupid than any other man (who is trying to digest the implications of his choices). The only way that you are going to find a way through this is with lots of support. I suggest couples counselling for you and your husband. If he won’t go – or drops out – have counselling yourself so you can decide if this situation is tolerable for you (or not)

You’re not alone - other readers experiences

“I’ve been there myself and the child (whom I’ve met and played with) is now of school age. It is so tough and a very lonely place I know. But I am so impressed that you have reached out for help so soon. I waited because I felt humiliated and a failure but things finally improved when I was able to confide in a couple of trusted and non-judgmental friends and when I started counselling too as this really helped me. I began to be able to understand why and how we had got into this mess and I am now a much stronger person and have reached a place where I no longer feel the pain of it all – although of course there are moments when I do. In fact, I can honestly say that this crisis has become a (totally!) unwanted opportunity to make important changes in my life which have benefited not only me but my family. But it does take a long, long time and these are such early days remember…you have made a great start by reaching out for help… ”

“ The other lady knew that my husband was a married man, as they are work colleagues, and yet continued to have an affair with him and proceeded to get pregnant – despite supposedly being on birth control. I highly suspect she did that to force his hand to leave me and to get him to marry her. I gave him the ultimatum that he either picks her and her unborn child or me and the kids. Either, or. No two ways about it. I know some may call me cruel for punishing an innocent child but me and my 3 kids are also innocent in this whole charade too. I don’t mind him having a relationship with the other child and I even suggested we adopt that baby – as I have a problem with the mother (OW/AP) but not the baby but she refused. I’ve made it clear he can always pick her and I will not deny him any relationship with the other kid once born but he just cannot he with me, with me by his side as his wife. This is because he mentioned he loves the OW as well. I have at one point given my consent for him to be with her when he confessed and during that point she was ecstatic that they will be a family. She rubbed it into my face then but eventually he dumped her and came back to me, supposedly because he loves me more than her. I think at the end of it all, it takes someone with a very big heart and loads of faith in God to do what is right in this messed up situation. I am just hoping I am a good Christian enough to weather it all .”

“ I found out a few days ago that my husband has been having an affair and has a daughter with this other woman. He has been living 2 lives for 4 years. It hurts so much, my heart is saying ‘stay with him’ but my brain is telling me different. When I found out, he said that he was planning on leaving me because he has been unhappy for so long. But as soon as he said that, he felt something different. He is also very confused; he wanted to leave but has a feeling in his heart telling him to stay. He doesn’t know what it is and wants time apart (living a his parents) to figure things out. We have been together 19 years, high school sweet hearts. I can not stop thinking of this and its driving me crazy. I cry so much! We also have two children together.”

“Hi.. My partner had a one night stand in a lads weekend away, whilst I was pregnant with our child. 2years later I wasn’t aware until he called me and told me that he had a child from a one night stand.. this absolutely broke my heart, I thought I was the only one with his child, I thought it was special that I had his baby.

He asked what I wanted to do and my response was that at this moment I don’t want him or I to have anything to do with this child..BUT I asked him what do you want to do?

As much as it hurt me this was an innocent child at the end of the day…a nd I didn’t want to be the reason for him not to see it. However he chose not to have anything to do with it, he said it lives 6 hours away, he would hardly be able to see it often, so thinks it’s better he’s not in the child’s life at all. He also said that me and our child was his world and that he wanted nothing but us two.

Even now 5 years on, from when I found out, we’ve got married and had another baby but I still think about this other child that’s his and it still hurts me.

I wonder if ever this child will turn up at the door and what would be the best thing for me to do, I know he’s had no contact at all with them but I don’t feel ok with him meeting someone he cheated on me with, I know it’s been a long time but it still hurts me. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about it. We don’t talk about it at all..”

The other woman’s experience

“ I’m the mother of a four-year-old child with a married man. Of course, I did not know he was married at the time but we had been sleeping together almost 6 years when I found out I was pregnant. I came to him and told him I was pregnant and he very solemnly told me that was not part of the plan. I told him what do you mean not part of the plan. He told me I am married I’m having 11 year old daughter. I have no intentions of leaving my wife but I’ve fallen in love with you.

I asked him how could you not tell me you were married. I never would have been with you if if I knew you had been married. He said I’m sorry. By this time, I love him so much but I cannot think of the idea I have another woman sleeping with my boyfriend or sharing him with anyone – for that matter.

So when he went home, I called him up to end of the relationship. I told him I could not be part of a love triangle. He chose to stay with his wife for the sake of his daughter, so I broke up with him and stayed away from him for four years. He recently contacted me again. We begin sleeping together again but this time I’m so in love with him – even though I know he’s married now – I can’t control myself.

My son knows that he is his father but he has to call him by his first name to save the marriage. My lover tells me he loved me for many years. He cannot control his love for me any longer but his daughter can never find out that she has a brother. I don’t know what to do. ”

“ I began seeing a man who had told me he was divorced for 6 years with 2 daughters. We were not using any birth control (my mistake completely) and I ended up becoming pregnant. Shortly after (about 5 weeks in) my roommate found out about his wife and that he was still married. Oh he had been divorced six years, from his FIRST wife. I screenshot everything and texted him that he owed me an explanation.

The story turned to “We were separated, now she wants to work things out. I don’t know what to do.” Of course I advise him to tell her what is going on and beg that no matter what happens he won’t abandon our child. A week or so goes by and he informs me that he told her and he wants nothing to do with the child financially or otherwise. So I contact her hoping I can beg on my child’s behalf that we be civil. She had never heard of me before .He lied to me about telling her. I had blindsided her completely. So of course her natural reaction is that I’m a homewrecker who is being spiteful and just wants him to leave her and their child. I found out from her that he has ANOTHER child that he never sees (not from lack of trying according to him), that he had in high school. And she informed me they were never separated. He had lied about that too.

Her logic is “He has two child support, plus he’s taking care of our child and we have a mortgage and bills…what do YOU want. You want him.” As if I had any say in his lack of disclosure. She kept saying this was my fault and I ruined her daughter’s life. Knowing this guy’s MO I’m not sure hes telling her the full truth about his affair with me and his lack of truth with me. Or maybe she really is just using me as a scapegoat for her anger. He’s been so sick in all of this, even going as far as suggesting he hopes this baby doesn’t go to term. He also gave me chlamydia, suggesting he was cheating on his wife far longer than when he was with me. Thankfully this man is in the military and will be held financially responsible. I contacted his command after he just repeatedly kept lying -something I told him I’d never do, but I felt like I had no choice. I couldn’t trust him. He was livid.

Anyway, I’m thinking long term. My child is going to wonder who their father is. I’ve tried begging them both to keep in mind these kids are 100% innocent. His response was “Being involved with this baby isn’t conducive to my marriage.” Something I wish he would have considered before lying to me about his whole life. His excuse later was that he was scared I would “run for the hills” if I knew everything. Um, yah! I’m at a loss. A 32 year old man, a green beret no less…has no honor. I don’t know what to do.

I’m only 18 weeks along and part of me hopes he and his wife have a change of heart and realize this baby did nothing wrong. I’m 23, trying to finish college, and I feel like I was cheated of my choice to be part of this ridiculous and disgusting affair. I’m heartbroken because my naivety now leaves my child with a non existent father. How do I deal with this? After the courts deal with everything, I planned on offering him and his parents contact with the baby then leaving it at that. I feel like its useless. I find myself wondering for my baby’s sake if it’s better to know your deadbeat dad or not know him at all. ”

“ I am the “other woman” and my daughter is now 4. My child’s “father” will soon start paying court ordered child support since the DNA test has confirmed that he is the father. Let’s get one thing straight, I am NOT in love with my child’s father nor am I trying to take him away from his current family. So please don’t assume that the “other woman” is always in love with the married man and trying to steal him away. His wife can keep him! He was just a distraction for me and nothing more. My child’s father has a wife and three daughters (2 of whom are of adult age but who he still supports). Bottom line, I just want him to fulfill his legal financial obligations.

When he and I had our fling, he had told me that he had a vasectomy and that I could never get pregnant. I was naive and believed him because for 7 years I did not get pregnant. Well, the vasectomy was botched (if he even had one) and the DNA results tell the real whole story. My second point: I earn more money than he does. I’m not some Golddigger trying to cash in. This is HIS CHILD and he needs to contribute financially irrespective of the fact that I make more money than him… I am relieved that soon he will start paying up and that he did not ask for any visitation. Less drama this way!

My daughter will understand that it was not me necessarily keeping her from her father; besides that is not up to me. My daughter not seeing her father has more to do with HIM DENYING HER even after a DNA test. In all honesty, if my child’s father wanted to be involved in her life I would obviously not see that as a bad thing. However that will never happen since he has his own family to deal with now and getting their forgiveness should be his priority…

His wife (who he has been supporting for over 25 years) may need to get a job now to offset his added Child Support expense which is well over $1000 a month – not including arrears. When more than 3 months of arrears is owed, up to 55% of his check can be garnished and his passport and driver’s license can be taken away.

All this to say, stop judging the other woman!! Not all of us fall in love with these men. Women use men for sex too! And the best thing that came out of this was a beautiful child who I adore. I’ll be enough for her. She doesn’t need her father’s drama! ”

What to do if you’re the man who had the affair and now has a child

Every part of this triangle is difficult. We have heard from the wife and the other woman, let’s look at the third part of the triangle.

A reader writes:

“I am in the same exact situation but I am the father. I am married, with my wife for 9 years, and have 20 months baby girl from an affair. My wife just found out the affair 3 months ago. My wife doesn’t want any contact with the mother nor support to the baby. She will ask for divorce if she finds out I still contact them. Like you said, I feel guilty if I just abandon them, but I also want to save my marriage. Do you have any suggestion what I should do?”

My reply:

There is only one solution: complete honesty. However my fear is that you’re going to try and fudge things and keep everybody happy (but the only way you can do that is by being economical with the truth). So starting with your wife, you tell her: I want to save my marriage and I know to do that I have to be honest with you. At the very least, by law, I have to financially provide for my child. In the long run, I need to have some contact too. However, I am aware that you’re still in shock about discovering the affair and you’re not strong enough to deal with me seeing the other woman. I will show you any text, email or other communication that I get – even if I know it will make you upset. I will not reply without discussing it with you first.

I expect your wife will get upset and threaten everything under the sun. Please acknowledge her pain and upset but stand firm – it is better than agreeing anything to keep her calm and going behind her back again. THAT WILL DEFINITELY END YOUR MARRIAGE. You will also need to tell the other woman what you’re doing – ie: staying with your wife, you’ll show her any emails but you want to see the child and offer support in the future – when the initial shock and hurt is a little less. Finally, go into couple counselling as this is extremely hard to do without help. You’ve also got to learn to say what you mean and stick to it – but I know this will be hard (because, like most men in your situation, you’ve spent so long pleasing other people.) Good luck.

Here is another man in the same situation

“I am a married man myself with 2 beautiful kids with her and she just found out that I have a child with this other lady whom also is my business partner. The child is now 3 years. This has broken my wife apart and I am so so responsible for the let down. I do not have any contact with the lady for the past 2 years apart from the day she requested money for school. I do not want any contact but unfortunately there is a child.

I’m torn apart because I love my wife. The only reason I kept this from her was merely because I did not want to hurt her but eventually she found out. She went through my phone while I was asleep and she found the latest conversation I had with the lady. As much as I feel destroyed, I know my wife is worse. I need help because she is the woman I love but now she left me and she is currently at her mother’s house.”

My advice:

Listen to your wife, without explaining – because it will be heard as justifying. Summarise what you heard, so she knows that you are taking in what she is saying. Be patient when she wants to go over the same material again. Remember it is far worse for her. You will need support and whereas normally your wife would be the place to go, she can’t help this time. So start seeing a therapist, so you can off load, understand where you went wrong and how to rebuild trust again.

Being the child of infidelity

The next view point comes from someone with a unique point of view and a message of hope. 

A reader writes:

“I too have been in this situation for 6 years now (being the wife of a man who had an affair and a child). As I type this, my husbands child is in my kitchen eating dinner. I have been with my husband since we were 16 years old I am now 37. We have been married for 10 years. He had an affair with a coworker and conceived a child. We have three daughters together… he has no contact with the child’s mother, I handle everything. She and I communicate weekly.

It’s hard but I do what I got to do because I chose to stay with him, so it was only right that I accept his daughter and take care of her as my own. I was once a child of infidelity and didn’t meet my father until I was 35 years old. I know the pain and I wasn’t willing to take her through it – knowing how I felt growing up. I understand all your pain, but it will get better if you both work together to make the marriage work. Sending out hugs and blessings to you all.”

Summing up my five golden rules Give yourself time. This is a long term problem and it will take time to find a way through the minefield.Do as much listening as talking.Mourn the loss of your old life. It’s OK to be angry and thinking: what if… It’s part of coming to terms with what has happened.Get professional help. It is harder on your own.Keep going. Tomorrow will be better. What next?

Find more advice in my books How Can I Ever Trust You Again? and My Husband Doesn’t Love Me and He’s Texting Someone Else.

Seven Things You Want To Say To Your Partner How to tell your partner difficult things without ruining your day. Here are my seven things that you’re tempted to say, the underlying problems and the most constructive way to approach your partner with them. Free Download Share this Post Related Posts