Sarma Melngailis's Blog

 

This seems to be a weekly thing now, my reports on what is happening with Pure Food and Wine and One Lucky Duck. If you missed my original post, you can read that here.

I’m beholden to everyone who wrote in to me offering encouragement, advice, and support of all kinds. And I’m honored to have some very cool people all coming together buying shares in the overall company, the big vision, what I’ve always seen and known for the future. I keep thinking if the result of everything here and now is that really good people end up being the supporters, and future beneficiaries of all this, then it will be worth the long wait, the whole long and very bumpy trip getting here. [see note at end on my employees!]

I know this is meant to be big. Meanwhile, it’s an interesting juxtaposition of emotions to have limitless confidence and unflappable certainty about my ideas and the future, while simultaneously still wrestling with those fun deep seated issues of doubting one’s self worth, not feeling deserving of help, or success. I’m 42, can’t I get over the latter issues already? I’m thinking if I put it out there, that will at least help.

Whatever is scariest, and with which you feel you’re dealing all alone, try throwing it up on the table for everyone to see. It’s liberating, and more importantly, honest. This is kind of how I handle some of my business meetings where I discuss investing in my company. I have to make sure to first explain how badly I F’d things up, and make sure we’re all clear on that, before I can get on to all the good things, of what One Lucky Duck and Pure Food and Wine have been for over ten years, and what they can and will grow into. Whoever my audience is I don’t care, I have to tell them that I think in some kind of cosmic things-happen-for-a-reason way, my world had to explode—my unsustainable complicated and scary life situation where I was running things all alone for ten years—so that it could finally get the right support needed all along. It matters to me that anyone involved understands that.  (Also, I know others got hit with shrapnel, and I shall fix those wounds).

Pretending to have it all together, is exhausting. Over the years, so many people would offer me congratulations on my “success”. Very often I’d be in the dining room (or the garden) at Pure Food and Wine where I’d get to meet so many amazing people, thanking me, congratulating me on my success, even wanting advice on how I did it, or saying “I want your life!” and I always have done my best to accept all this gratefully, graciously, and trying to feel honored by it. I should be lifted up by all this, and very often was. Yet for some reason it was also always hugely exhausting, because I never felt like a success. Instead I’ve felt like a racehorse that has been stuck behind the starting gate, all amped up to run, but needing that gate opened. I always have known how big this should be, so these congratulations on my “success” made me only think about how much farther this can and should go. Then I’d be reminded too of feeling alone, and tired, and wanting help but not knowing where to get it, and wishing someone would just come and help me already. Open the damn gate.

Most nights after being in the restaurant like this, I would go home to my place across the street, and lay down on the floor too exhausted to change my clothes, get ready for bed, or do anything, except maybe cry. Then I moved, and got a dog, and so I’d go home and fall onto the couch and spoon my dog and drool, or turn on MSNBC and lose myself in the world of left-wing news. Something to distract me. I also lived in what doubled as our corporate office and place of e-commerce distribution. So my home was the office and I lived at work. Convenient and more affordable, but a little overwhelming too, with inventory piled everywhere. But none of that mattered because whatever I do has always been about the brand, the company and I’m just part of that. Here to move it along, make it happen, put it out in the world, no matter what it takes.

What Pure Food and Wine and One Lucky Duck do is put out food, an experience, something alluring and good to help bring people into this realm of eating well, with a purpose—for our own health and well-being, and that of animals and the world around us. What I can hopefully do is continue to enable that, and grow it into something bigger and bigger, with One Lucky Duck products on shelves in near and far away places, and a Pure Food and Wine in Tokyo, London, and LA, like I’ve always seen it. Maybe even Moscow. Or something like that. All in good time, with the right foundation (hopefully now finally being put in place!) and the right planning, and all the right support.

And while all that happens, I want to be open about as much as I can. Which feels weird to say because I’ve always felt like I’m really open. Young girls, or even people my age, sometimes write to me about struggling with eating disorders and I’ll always reply candidly about my own past issues when I was younger, and what helped me get over them. But I want to speak about it more, mainly because I think it can help. I want to speak about a lot more, particularly anything that is something we commonly struggle with all alone. I’ll never forget years ago when I saw an episode of Oprah (which I never watched, so who knows how I happened to see this particular episode) where she comes out and admits that she’s realized she’s depressed. Oprah? What the hell. She’s amazing. I sat there, riveted, her words resonating. Being in a position where people are asking you for advice, yet going home and eating a bag of tortilla chips to snuff out whatever is going on inside that hurts. Of course, I’m not comparing myself to Oprah (duh!), just saying that I got where she was coming from, and it was massively comforting. I mean, if it’s okay for Oprah to feel shitty…

So, another thing that’s generally under-discussed yet probably wide spread, is this thing of being afraid to ask for help, or doubting your self-worth. I’m pretty sure I’ve just forcibly evolved to the place of recognizing it in myself, in all its self-sabotaging glory. And now that I can see it so clearly, it’s time to let it go and change. Evolution. Speaking (writing) about it will help me, and I have a feeling it could be helpful to others too. Like if my 15 or 19 or 37 year old self could have read about someone else’s bumpy ride, it could have made my own a little smoother. Maybe I’m giving myself too much credit (self-doubt!) but my insides tell me the more I put out there, scary as it may be, the better. Better how I’m not sure, but just better.

What else? I have been listening to too many voices other than my own. I have been doing this for years, and in an unstructured way. It’s one thing to have a board of advisors, or board of directors, and collectively talk it out. That’s what I want! So badly! Structured help, yes please! Instead, for years I’ve been getting advice coming at me from all different directions, yet having to decide alone. And then second guessing what I wanted to do, or taking someone’s advice, even if it feels off. As I wrote in my first post about all this, I recently spent weeks, incredibly valuable weeks, on a deal that didn’t pan out. It felt dark from the start, and I snuffed that feeling aside and carried on, thinking this is what I should be doing (and because I’m not exactly in a position with loads of options and time… hanging from a cliff, you will tend to grab the first and biggest hand being put forward). And there were red flags waving here and there, and still I thought this was going to fix everything. But it wasn’t. And, again assuming things all work out now, I will be saying prayers of gratitude every time I walk through Pure Food and Wine that it did not work, and I did not have to sell out.

My insides have been telling me to write more, put more out there. Meanwhile, some people tell me I write too much. My posts are way too long. Oh well. I write long posts, it’s who I am. This one is rivaling my last long post. So, why this one now? It’s very woe-is-me but that’s where I am, yet feeling right on the cusp of change. My life has been interesting, and blessed in so many ways. So I wonder, why the winding path, why all the stumbles, pain along the way, and then falling on my face here, in front of everyone. Good question. Like I said before, my biggest fear in life has always been letting people down. And then it turns out I do that in a fiery big way. I worry so much about what others think, always wanting to be liked. And then what happens makes me look like the bad guy, in fact, like someone from my past too, in the worst kind of irony. And finally, always being afraid to ask for help. So afraid, and so conditioned to be able to take care of myself, to do it all. Take the stairs, carry my own bags. Speaking of bags and stairs, for years while hauling ass through an airport, taking the stairs, the straps of heavy bags cutting into my shoulder blades, I’d look at people with roller luggage and think, yeah, roller luggage is for pu**ies. Or those moving walkways? Right.

As if life isn’t supposed to be easy. We’re supposed to struggle, take care of others and not rely on anyone else. Never be a burden on anyone. Not be weak, ever. So, my advice now to anyone who may be hurtling along any remotely similar trajectory… take a breather. Evaluate. Because look where it got me? Everything I’ve worked for all these years, what means more to me than anything, what I’ve gone to great lengths to protect, has come apart, and lays here in pieces.

I want to put it back together, and will do whatever it takes, and make everything that was messed up right again, and make it up to anyone that was hurt in the process. Already, I’m worrying that some people I’m working with now are going to freak out about this, tell me if I put anything out there it needs to be positive, that I might F up some deal, or seem too “emotional.”  But I can’t write something that’s not as honest as it can be. And I know for sure that if I can get through this (and I’m a lot closer to getting through it than when I wrote my emo post of three weeks ago), then I’ll be ready for anything and everything that comes. Seriously, anything. And I’ll have the gigantic reassurance of knowing for sure now that believing in something so strongly, and doing whatever it takes to get there, is worth it.

The status of Pure Food and Wine and One Lucky Duck? Yes, almost there! Is it still freaking me out to my core? Yes. Might it work out beautifully? Yes. I hope so, with all my heart. This brand and everyone involved deserve the best support there is, and the perfect outcome with the right people, and all the right energy.

In the  meantime, over the last few weeks, so many people have been so incredibly kind and wanting to help with getting the tire fixed on this operation, and getting it open again ASAP, and then at least 85 people told me “do a kickstarter!” and I’m all… yeah but a) kickstarter is for specific projects, not fixing something, and b) it takes way more time than I have. But people, (“the people!”) kept saying, do a crowd-funding! If X people give you just Y, you’ll get what’s needed and fast. And I’m all, yeah but that means asking for help! Not to mention it’s super awkward because here I am, saying I’m the one who messed things up. I don’t deserve help. (that voice!). On top of that, I’ve been corralling investors, so how could I do both at the same time? Except, investments sit in a fun limbo place called escrow, until i’s are dotted and t’s crossed and ink is dry. And well, the more help that can come in, the faster stuff can get taken care of that badly needs to be taken care of and the faster this can be secure and ready to re-launch.

So, a week ago, I quickly looked at the options and found that one site allows for super fast set up and flexibility. Awkwardly it’s set up for “donations” but I figure I could jerry rig it to make it based on giving something back in exchange, which I did. But I did not post it on my “social media” nor did I even put a direct link in my last blog. Why? Because I was being advised not to by a few, even while people out there were saying do it. So, I was taking the advice from a few. After all, it felt safer from the perspective of being terrified to put your self out there, and ask. So, I abstained from posting it.

BUT… I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I mean, what’s the reality? Would it be good for my staff, with whom I still have to finish making things right? Yes. So, therefore, worth any risk. Would it be good for extra security to get One Lucky Duck/Pure Food and Wine safe and reopen that much faster? Yes, for sure. Could it even be something that makes people feel happy to do, whether or not for the value being exchanged? Maybe, I hope so. Do I have a tendency to write questions and answer them rather just stating things affirmatively? Apparently.

So, despite advisor advice, I will listen to the people, and importantly, my gut. Which says, f*ck it, just put this out there for f*ck’s sake and hope for the best.

Here it is!  http://bit.ly/OneLuckyDuck

There are listed a bunch of things for exchange but like I say, open to anything. I offer myself up for lunch or dinner… and feel queasy because it’s presuming anyone would even want that. Voice inside: Who do you think you are? Who would want to have dinner with you?  Blah! Trying not to listen to that voice, just the overall feeling to put this out there, let it fly, see what happens and if it may help, even change everything.

I referenced above a note about employees. I have to say again, that a lot of people were hurt by what happened, by me. And no matter what the haters say, I do care. Anyone who is among those ripping on me lately… have a field day with this! I’m ready. Seriously, fire away. Just know that every move I make is towards fixing this all around. By doing this, I can maybe fix it that much faster. Which is what I want to do, so badly.

You know when you’re leaving a voice mail and you realize it’s too long and then you awkwardly can’t stop and don’t know how to say “bye” to the silence on the other end? Me, now.

What can I say. THANK YOU. Times infinity. I want to get this running as soon as possible, people back at jobs, happy to be around each other, and putting out really special product. And I keep thinking of the garden at Pure Food and Wine this Spring/Summer on those warm nights with the lights glowing in the trees. And walking through in whatever dress and dirty sneakers I’ve put on that day, and from now on whoever I meet and see, knowing you’ve all now seen me at the bottom of the dumpster. And strangely, that feels amazing.

Thank you so much.

Sarma

can we bring this back to you please?

The post HERE I GO. appeared first on Sarma Raw.

Last week I wrote something and posted it here about what has been going on with Pure Food and Wine and One Lucky Duck. A week later, a huge amount of progress has been made towards their re-launch. While I still feel all of the things I felt when I wrote my last post (including fear, regret, terror, massive humility!) layered on top of that, and resonating more, are things like gratitude, determination, purpose and connection. Emails coming in have been heartwarming and a bunch even made me cry. People can pooh pooh social media and electronic connections all they want, but there’s something amazing about support from people in this way. It’s almost extra special because it’s offered up with nothing to gain, no pre-existing personal relationship, no expectations. And it makes you (or, me at least) feel more connected to what’s out there. Part of that whole “oneness” thing. It happened before years ago when my cat got sick and I took to social media to see who could give me advice on things like how to syringe feed your unruly cat. The advice, well wishes, poems, stories that poured in, as I was heartbroken and he was sick and then finally left me, were meaningful to me in a way very different from any support from people I already knew personally. There’s something about that exchange of good energy, mutual support, compassion, and more on a level beyond your immediate circle that can make you feel part of something larger. Again, it’s that oneness thing. And well, now I’m starting to make myself a little queasy… so I’ll get on with it. 

 

First, things are looking much brighter. Second, so many of you have offered to help in so many ways, and as hard as it is for me to admit, I do need that help. And I also love the idea of more people being part of this re-boot, towards this outcome that will right things for everyone all around. Idealistically I thought there could be a way to splice up ownership in small increments, but alas, there is not. Pesky securities regulations. So, at the urging of many, I put together a very quick campaign, which could help the most crucial parts of repair (including my staff first and foremost) and re-opening to happen that much faster, while everything else is worked out. This is scary to do, but another step forward in the face of fear, and I will deal with the results, whatever they are. So, here it is: http://bit.ly/OneLuckyDuck

 

Finally, I think I mention this in my second book, but a few years back, one very special sous-chef at Pure Food and Wine once said to me, “Every other kitchen I’ve worked in is built on fear. This place is built on love.” (thank you Ben). Again that was a while ago. But I’ve always felt he was right, he is right. I may have been distracted with my own BS for a while (understatement), but even when I wasn’t there, everyone at both Pure Food and Wine and One Lucky Duck has always cared deeply about each other, while working hard and creating something unique. And so, I want to restart what we do, open the doors, and make it that much more special, and finally ready to grow, as we’ve always been meant to grow. People’s emails, offers, encouragement, cheering and more have meant so much, all propelling this forward. If you wrote to me and I have not yet written back, please know I read what you wrote, I’m hugely grateful and will write back, as soon as I get a breather, or even if I don’t.

I’m so full of hope now. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

http://bit.ly/OneLuckyDuck

Love and mint sundaes…

photo by Heidi Kristoffer!

The post Almost there… appeared first on Sarma Raw.

 

Weeks ago, Pure Food and Wine restaurant and One Lucky Duck in NYC, even our website, closed down. My worst nightmare of nightmares. My staff have been hurt by this, and it’s my full responsibility. There aren’t words for how I feel and nothing sufficient to say. I also don’t expect anyone to understand. I can only put all my energy at fixing this, for the employees, for everyone involved, and for you, which is what I have been doing non-stop. However, ass it turns out, I can’t do it single-handedly, and so ,

 

I know so many people out there don’t even know we closed, because we still get a lot of emails daily asking about making reservations or wanting to place an order. I even get emails about wanting to license the brand in other countries, again even after we closed. So ever since this happened, I kept thinking I can fix this somehow quickly and get reopen, and I can make reparations where needed, and get back to doing all that we do, with a stronger foundation. Except things can often take longer than you think they will, and that’s what has been happening, and why I’m writing this now.

 

It’s been over ten years I’ve been running Pure Food and Wine and One Lucky Duck, and I think it’s been more of a challenge than it has looked from the outside looking in. The businesses have always done well, we grew every year most of those years, we even sold in over 30 Whole Foods stores back in ’06 and ’07 until it was way too overwhelming to do, and I pulled it all back. But the demand has been there. And all the while, I’ve had some major handicaps from the start, both personal and on the business. But we did okay despite all that. And without “corporate” support of a CFO, or COO, or more. I’ve had to wear a lot of hats. Some times more hats than other times, but always way too many hats.

 

Still, I’ve always known this was larger than me, and not about me at all, I’m just here to enable it. It’s about something big, and really important. The world needs anything and everything to help the shift towards healthier, more compassionate eating and living, and for people to be able to access it in a way that’s appealing and fun. (And yes, down the road in a more affordable way–raw and organic is expensive.) I created the One Lucky Duck logo because I wanted something memorable, easily recognizable, iconic, and also something with enough of a cuteness factor that kids would find it appealing too, which is important if we’re talking about changing the future too.

 

Right now, the brand, the restaurant, and I are hanging from a cliff. Yes, I’ll say it, because it’s true. Yes it’s totally all my fault. No, it’s not easy to understand how it happened. On top of all of that, if I could rewind to when this did happen, I’d have written something like this sooner. If I could rewind farther, I’d have done a lot differently but that’s not possible now. A few weeks ago and until just recently, I thought I had the solution: a buyer, from overseas, who would take care of everything, including employees, and give my company a solid footing it’s needed. They’d have taken over corporate operations to free me up to do the things I should be doing (branding, creative, spending time at our locations, development etc), finally. Yet I was also scared of letting go of control of the brand, but figured right now this will be what’s best for the safety of the future, and all would be okay. Except it wasn’t. That deal wasn’t to be, or what I thought it would be. And if I ever write a memoir one day, this part will make a good chapter. Lessons learned, my fault. I just hope not too late.

 

Meanwhile, I have now quickly been working to sell shares in the whole company, and so far the people coming together for this have been really good people, ones who love what we do, and truly care, and want to be part of something exciting for the future. Which is what I’ve truly always wanted, all this time. So maybe Euro group deal falling apart ultimately is a good thing and I’ll look back and be so relieved. Because what I want is everyone taken care of. All our suppliers too who worked with us all this time, and everyone else who’s ever helped me/us out. Yes I’m idealistic. But I’ve always felt that we should have really good people who care about the brand, what it stands for, what the company does, to be the ones involved. And to have them and employees benefit from all our future success. And in this new set-up, I will not be at the steering wheel, just on the side directing, and supported. 

 

Speaking of employees, I don’t have a flattering reputation with some of them at the moment, but one day, one by one, those who are upset with me will, I think, forgive me. And even if they won’t I’ll make it up to them. There’s a lot more I could say about this too, but will save it. Anyone who knows me knows I care. A lot. Too much, probably. My landlords also, they’re totally pissed at me. I understand why. I get it. And I intend to make it up to them too, because they’re actually good people too (yes, landlords!). Overall, I had a really truly awful 2014 on a personal level. No I wasn’t tweeting about it, just having a really hard time quietly. And it affected the company, and everyone in it and involved with it. I let my family down too, who I barely have time to talk with. A lot has happened.

 

So now, are there more people out there I can reach, who would want to help enable Pure Food and Wine and One Lucky Duck’s re-boot, with a totally restructured foundation, a much safer one, and a good operational management partner in place to run things, along with me. So we can finally safely grow, and be the company we’re supposed to be. Last summer I was in discussions with a big financial group about a very large deal, where the company was valued at a pretty solid and high number. Maybe now I wish I could have done that deal, but at the time it would have taken too long. And in my heart of hearts too, I’ve always been scared of letting go of control to financial/institutional investors. Or, venture capital or other investment funds. (I used to work for one years ago, so I know). Even recently I was traveling around chasing various deals, and they always were taking longer than I thought, not right, or came apart on me in truly baffling ways. But then when things came a part completely, a lot of burdens lifted. And so now there’s an opportunity that wasn’t there before. And… I’ve always wanted this to be about our people all along. So if I can sell the ownership in the company to good people, whether a small group, or a larger group for smaller amounts, or even one really good buyer, what matters is: people who care. What matters is knowing that the company, I, and the staff who come back, and all future employees, will be in good hands, and all of this is being done for the right reasons.

 

My real dream, while we’re at it, was to hold onto ownership by selling licensing rights to the brands and more in various locations and countries, to help me take care of liabilities, and then one day put in place a kick ass employee ownership program. Yes, that’s the truth. That was my ideal scenario, again believe it or not. But, maybe even too idealistic a scenario. And one that was also way too much work for me to do on my own. Last Spring, I was in Los Angeles, for the potential to open a Pure Food and Wine and One Lucky Duck out there, with some really great people. What happened? I was all: Um, I have too much on my plate and too much going on right now to work out back in NYC to take this on.  Basically, I got scared, and put that on a back burner, and ran home.

 

Anyway! Given what’s happened now, the company will be valued at a fraction of what it was last summer, and that means that it will be a really good deal for anyone participating. Even though one could argue: wait, you’re closed right now! Yes, but the company is like a Lamborghini with a flat tire! It needs a fix and will be good as new, and really valuable. Everything that was created by our people over the last ten years is all there, and so much more. There are issues, yes. Some complications, sure! But is it worth it? I’d say hell yes. And the more people that come together, the better and safer it will be, in your hands. 

 

Meanwhile, since this happened some people have said to me: Oh I’m so sorry about this! Dust yourself off, take some time off, re-invent yourself.  WHAT?  No. First, I can’t take time off when I have obligations, serious ones (to good people). But aside from that, just no. This is what I’m here for. With every fiber of my being I know this, and oddly I knew it ten years ago after I had the One Lucky Duck logo designed, and before the website was even built, and I went and got the logo tattooed on my arm. I knew it needed to be permanent. Go big or go home. And I’ve always known this is meant to be big. I may have F’d up royally, but if it can be put back together now with the right, safe foundations it has always needed, and let our supporters be the ones to benefit, then this will have happened for a reason. (Some of my staff may not agree, but again, they will all be taken care of, as long as I’m here and alive). I keep emphasizing the employees because they were hurt really badly here without warning, and that’s my worst nightmare, and I wasn’t available and in communication. Yes, I know, all bad. For me to explain it all would take a few chapters, so again, that will have to wait, because right now I have to steer the Titanic away from an iceberg.

 

And there’s very little time, because there are certain deadlines. Happening very soon. I have not been good at sounding the alarms. So please know I’m doing that now. There could come a time where there’s no getting it back, and so again… sounding alarms now. But on top of that, April is less than a month away. Our garden at Pure Food and Wine is at it’s best, most magical in those early days! May is by far the busiest month of every year, April a close second, so it’s time to hurry up and re-open. That garden, for F’s sake, and Joey making sake mojitos, lasagnas coming from the kitchen, and big ice cream sundaes from pastry, and juices and mallomars at One Lucky Duck around the corner. I believe in my heart this all should be turned back on, and quickly. Not for me, but for you, and everyone involved.

 

We do have some good people who’ve agreed to be in, but quickly need more in order to get to the place where a transaction can officially be settled, and we’re on the way. Because a pretty decent minimum is needed to get this rebooted. And no matter what anyone thinks of me, there’s way too much here to let go.

 

So, with all of my heart, I hereby do what is by far the hardest thing of all time ever to do: ask for help. I even read Amanda Palmer’s “The Art of Asking” and she’s proven that going to your base, the ones who supported you all along, that’s where you go for help, and just put it all out there, and ask. Not for a hand out, but for participation. An exchange. Ask for taking the leap, believing like I do that this brand is meant to be big.  And if you own a part of all this, I know you will be really glad for it in the future, not even distant future, but soon.

 

Please email me at sarmasarma@gmail.com if you want to get involved, and become an owner, big or small, and help get this thing turned back on, its flat tire fixed. I have information to share, and have also had help in putting together a structure that will be solid for the future, and take care of everyone involved. Also, if you think of someone who may be into this, please let me know, or forward it to them (tagged: “urgent”!)

 

Finally, e-mail me too if you want to yell at me, I mean it. Please do. E-mail me directly. Call me names. I’m at the bottom now, so it’s that time when people like to kick. I already know what will come, because there’s not enough room or time for me to address everything, or people’s perceptions or judgments. I can do all that when things are safe. Believe it or not, my biggest fear in life is letting people down. Always has been. And in some insane way, I managed to create a situation where I did just that on a massive scale. How does that happen? Life lessons are in my face daily now. I’m seeing the flaws, fears and more that got me where I am right now. I didn’t mean to take anyone else down too. But I’m not one to ever give up. Not ever. Even if I end up just on the sidelines to support it. Because so many really good people who worked with us created so much cumulatively over the last ten years, and all along, it was only just the beginning.

 

If I make it through this, I will be one of those people reassuring younger people that if you believe in something with every fiber of your being, then no matter what obstacles get in the way or how many times you stumble, how bad you look, or how far you fall… don’t give up. It will be worth it. I’m hoping I can say that with assurance before too long, while sitting in the garden at Pure Food and Wine.

 

With gratitude, humility and so much more,

 

Sarma

 

p.s. Yes, I disabled “comments” … but just email me, (sarmasarma@gmail.com) at which point you can call me cowardly for doing so, I’ll take that too. And yes, I did take down a previous post (for which I was called a coward) that was full of a ton of amazing, hopeful, encouraging comments that I read and took to heart so thank you to those who took the time to write, it means the world. There were also a fair number of unhappy comments and I read all those too. Life is complicated. This is scary. Like Amanda Palmer says about writing:  “just put it out there, cringe, and deal.” 

 

p.p.s My brother runs his own One Lucky Duck in San Antonio Texas, and he’s going strong, so if you’re there go visit! He’s making macaroons and more too.

 

 

 

The post What’s Going On… (do over) and Yes, Hope appeared first on Sarma Raw.

 

So much that I don’t know how to get the words out.

A few weeks ago, Pure Food and Wine, both NYC One Lucky Duck stores, and even our online shipping and production space in Brooklyn closed down. The reasons and circumstances are complicated, emotionally loaded, and there is a lot I can say, need to say, and will say about that in the future. This company, this brand, what we do, what we can do, our customers, and yes, our employees are everything to me. For it to come apart, and in a way that harmed my staff, has been the most terrifying nightmare come true.

Since this happened, I’ve been wanting so badly to reach out, to write something, post anything, also via that world known as “social media” which as many know is indeed a meaningful means of connection. I’ve always been an over-communicator, and here I did the opposite. I also did not communicate with those most important – the staff – the ones who worked so hard everyday and made it all possible. And so I let them down on multiple levels. And they’re still waiting. And in the most heartbreaking way, those I haven’t reached out to yet, still thinking I must not care enough to bother. But in fact, I care so much and it hurts so much but I have to compartmentalize for now, because every moment I have available is spent working to fix this, to make it up, and to save this. Even writing this now I feel I should be on a call, pursing this lead or that, but I also just wanted to get this one first post out there.

Also, I know people have called for reservations and no one is answering, have emailed about placing orders for cookies and yet can’t do so. It’s one of our most amazing long time customers who is spending her time now, only to help, by replying to emails and calling reservations, to help explain what’s happened. But in this crisis—for me it has to be all about working towards the solution first and foremost. So if we F’d up your anniversary plans, birthday plans… please know I’m so sorry. And I won’t stop working until we’re in a position to make it up to each and every one of you. Also, of course there should be something posted on our website alerting people too… except… I don’t know how to do that myself.  At least I know how to log into wordpress and so can post this, long overdue.

What I also know is that not ever would I or will I stop fighting for everyone who has been a part of Pure Food and Wine and One Lucky Duck. I have always been an open book in the past, yet lately this has all been far too overwhelming. When there is time and I’m able, I will have a lot to explain about how things happened, to express my feelings about it all, painful details and all, and hope that repair and rebuilding on a stronger foundation will be part of that.

Meanwhile, the support of those who badly want to have us back open and running, shipping cookies, serving up sundaes, and sake cocktails in our garden this coming spring, has been overwhelming in a good way. We need that support now more than ever. And the support I’m getting from some of those on the staff is also overwhelming. I just want to deliver for you all, more than anything. I’m one of those people for whom asking for help is among the more painful things imaginable. Admitting I can’t fix everything, handle everything, take care of everything all by myself is hard. But it’s clearer now than ever that that is the case, and has been the case for a long time.

Nothing is certain as of now, and I am quite honestly terrified, but it’s possible that things coming apart will have forced a long-needed restructuring that ensures a much brighter and safer future for the entire business. When you’ve been though bad break ups, relationships are scary. When you’ve been through troubled partnerships, the whole idea of partnership is scary. Yet, when it all falls apart on you, it is definitely the scariest of all.

I hope years from now I’ll be one of those people telling a younger generation that when you believe in something with all your heart and every fiber of your being, never ever give up. No matter what totally unusual and unpredictable roadblocks are thrown your way, just work through it. It will work out. That’s advice I need right now. Because right now, I’m trying so hard to work it out.

There’s so much more I could say and would like to say but first and foremost, finding the solution so I can indeed deliver, repair and heal is what’s occupying every waking moment (and there are more than usual since I have not been sleeping much either). And once I’ve repaired, it’s time to rebuild.

My visions have always been so big, with all their “change the world” idealism. I feel like it’s in my DNA to do this, and so getting knocked down again, even if it was my own fault this time, won’t keep me from getting on with it. I do need some time, a lot of help, and some understanding, but will make it work, and make it better than ever.

People have always said the garden at Pure Food and Wine is magical. I want to believe that’s true, and keep that magic happening this Spring.

With love, humility, and gratitude,

Sarma

 

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How I feel about New Year’s resolutions is… don’t make them! Yay! What a relief!

I personally don’t like resolutions (or any rules or restrictions). I think many people have a tendency to rebel against anything that’s imposed on them (I do), even if we’re the ones doing the imposing. While a new year can be a perfect time to make a fresh start or new change, commanding yourself to do or not do something means you could be opening a door to the self-sabotage, if you’re one of those people that have that tendency to self-sabotage (I am). So, maybe try to reframe your priorities and motivations for whatever it is you want to do. For example, rather than fixating on finally losing that last ten pounds by going on a strict diet, try framing it as simply a shift to eating healthier. Instead of the goal being only about a number on a scale, think about your food choices in the larger context of the environment, conservation, supporting the right businesses, and animal welfare. If you buy only what you need, shop from a farmer’s market, buy organic and only products you feel good about supporting, your eating choices become part of something good, and larger than just yourself. Your goal of eating healthier is aligned with bigger goals you can feel good about, that have nothing to do with the number on your scale. Therefore, the likelihood of sabotaging yourself will be much less.

As someone that’s struggled with food issues most of my life, I can relate to the pressure around weight and eating. And, I’ve finally learned that the most destructive part of all is that pressure you put on yourself. The extra slice of cake you ate isn’t going to make much difference at all. The self-hating over it will. If you can find a way to remove the guilt and self-loathing factor, everything changes. I used to roll my eyes when I’d read in books that having positive thoughts about yourself and your body would magically make you slimmer. And that looking at food as beautiful healthy nourishment, rather than as an evil force that’s trying to make you fat, is what will allow you to eat what you want and not get fat. Basically, if you love yourself and love your food, you’ll effortlessly tend towards a naturally healthy weight. How amazing would that be?

I always thought it was all a load of donkey crap, and carried on with berating myself when I ate more than I felt I “should” have. Except turns out, it’s not at all donkey crap. I’ve learned over time that it’s true (within reason).  It’s not easy to learn to think and feel that way, but the more you do the easier it becomes. And the nice thing about living this way is, there’s no more falling off the wagon. Who wants to fall off a wagon? And who wants to spend their whole life on a wagon, anyway? What does that even mean? Fuck wagons.

Speaking of expressions, one of my least favorite is “getting back on track” … blah! Again, do you really want to live your life perfectly “on track” all the time? And then berate yourself if you go “off track”? It’s too rigid and doesn’t allow for much fun. If you step “off track” it implies you’ve messed up, and that there’s something wrong about what you’ve done that needs correcting. If you go “off track” then you’ve been… bad? Hell no. That kind of thinking feels counterproductive. If I hated on myself for eating a jar of almond butter while standing in front of the cupboard in a daze, what good does that do? If I then declare I’ll “get back on track” and never do it again, what’s going to happen? I’ve turned the situation into a struggle, and most likely it’ll happen again. This whole process of what we eat shouldn’t be a struggle, yet I know it is for so many people. Instead of hating on myself and freaking out over the calories in what I just ate, I’d be much better served by taking some time to think about what I was feeling in that moment, that I was hoping the almond butter would snuff out. It’s good to reflect, and even better to write those feelings down, but leave the berating, guilt, and declarations to get “back on track” out of it. Just ease back into what’s better for you, and again, keep thinking about larger goals.

As newly elected Senator Cory Booker tweeted this morning, “Only loving your body when it is perfectly fit is like only loving your children when they are perfectly behaved.” #BeGentleOnYourself (how in-touch is Cory Booker? He’s vegetarian too!)

So, if anything, make a resolution to be kinder to yourself. And carry on.

The post On resolutions, specifically those related to eating. appeared first on Sarma Raw.

There are a lot of scary and tragic things going on in the world today (and I’m not talking about Miley Cyrus on the VMA’s). But when your dog makes it onto a news program for photo-bombing an Anthony Weiner press moment with his butt, well that’s a much lighter 50 seconds of news. This happened a few weeks ago, just getting around now to posting it. Enjoy!

 

(If I’m not allowed to repost MSNBC clips, forgive me!)

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Oh hey.

“RAISING ANIMALS FOR FOOD GENERATES MORE GREENHOUSE GASES THAN ALL THE CARS AND TRUCKS IN THE WORLD COMBINED.”  – United Nations, 2006.

This quote came from a United Nations report. Not from Greenpeace, not from PETA, and not from Mercy for Animals. The United Nations. And most people are surprised by that quote, or don’t really believe it. I repeat it often.

If asked, most (rational) people will agree that they’re concerned about climate change. They’re glad to see an increasing number of “green” products on the market. They/we feel good buying the bags made from recycled material, using energy efficient light bulbs, and even driving electric cars. If you were renovating your bathroom, you might feel good installing one of those water saving toilets. So, each time you flush, you use a gallon or so less of water. And you feel good about that gallon of water saved per flush. And then you go off to meet your friends at a bar for a few locally brewed beers, and order a burger. But what if on the menu next to the burger there was fine print stating, “FYI: 1,300 gallons of water were consumed to produce this quarter pound of beef, and on top of that a shit load of methane and CO2 was released into the atmosphere, and oh also fifty-five square feet of rainforest was used up for it too. Enjoy!”

I read the 1,300 gallons of water statistic in The Wall Street Journal. And everything else quoted hereinafter with a source not otherwise specified is from a book by Dr. Richard Oppenlander called Comfortably Unaware: What We Choose to Eat Is Killing Us and Our Planet. I can’t recommend this book more strongly. It’s concise, compelling, and critically important. And it’s also thoroughly footnoted with his sources. I also hope that since I’m recommending it so strongly, Dr. Oppenlander won’t mind my quoting so liberally from his work.

So. From his book, below are some things to consider.

“We collectively raise, feed, water, kill, and eat over 65 billion animals each year for food. That number again: 65 billion, which is ten times as many people as we have on the entire earth.”

That’s kind of staggering to think about. We already have a population density problem and here we’re adding ten times the number of farmed animals to the mix. So how is this related to climate change? The bullet points below (all taken from pages 11 and 12 of Dr. Oppenlander’s book) explain:

Global warming (“climate change”) is caused by the production of methane, nitrous oxide, and carbon dioxide, not by carbon dioxide alone.
Global warming is also caused by destroying trees and vegetation that regulate carbon dioxide and oxygen.
Global warming is just one small component of global depletion.
Methane is 23 times as powerful as carbon dioxide, and nitrous oxide is 310 times as powerful as carbon dioxide for their global warming potential.
Forty percent of methane and 65 percent of nitrous oxide produced by all human activities are from livestock.
Rainforests are the lungs of our planet, producing over 20 percent of the earth’s oxygen.
Rainforests take millions of tons of CO2 out of our atmosphere and store it in the soil.
Seventy percent of our rainforests have been slashed and burned in order to raise livestock.
Fifty-five percent of our fresh water is being given to livestock.
Over 70 percent of the grain the United States is fed to livestock.
It takes 10 to 20 gallons of water to produce one pound of vegetables, fruit, soybeans, or grain.
It takes over 5,000 gallons of water to produce one pound of meat.
One pound of vegetables, fruit, soybeans, or grain is healthier for you to eat than one pound of meat.
During every one second of time, just in the United States alone, 89,000 pounds of excrement is produced by the chickens, turkeys, pigs, sheep, goats, and cows raised for us to kill and eat.
One acre of land, if used for vegetables, grain, and/or legumes, produces ten to fifteen times more protein than if devoted to meat production.
Over 30 percent of all usable total land mass on earth is used by livestock.
Over 80 percent of all arable (agricultural) land in the United States is used for or by livestock.
Six million children in the world will die from starvation this year.
1.1 billion people in the world are considered malnourished or suffering from hunger.

There you go. Information like the above is, I think, probably what led James Cameron (that guy who produced the movie Titanic) to say in a video online, “You can’t be an environmentalist, you can’t be an ocean steward without truly walking the walk and you can’t walk the walk in the world of the future, the world ahead of us, the world of our children, not eating a plant-based diet.”

I think he’s right. And I know that the idea of going “vegan” is totally scary to a lot of people, or offensive to people who eat out a lot or are in the restaurant business, and it can also be extra challenging depending on where you live and your resources. That’s why I like that James Cameron used the words “plant based” and it’s why I use those words a lot myself. Eat mostly plants. Ideally, eat all plants. But if that’s too scary of difficult, just work on eating less meat and animal products. Then even less. And still less. It’s good for your health too. And fish? Yes maybe cut way back on that too. When I see people I know instagramming giant platters of sushi they’re about to eat, I want to put the following in the comments section:

“An ongoing Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) study found that an alarming 100 percent of freshwater fish samples from the United States contain mercury, and a large percentage of certain fish caught from the ocean contain heavy metals and/or polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs), which are highly toxic cancer-causing chemicals.”

Add to that the general over-fishing and ocean depletion issue, which is a whole other story. Those Red Lobster commercials on TV promoting the all-you-can-eat shrimp deals really upset me because, “for every one pound of shrimp sold and consumed, more than twenty pounds of other sea creatures are caught and killed in the process.” If only they’d add that to the menu in fine (or not so fine) print. What then? Would people still eat all they can?

I’ve always thought: if only people knew. Since I’m writing this on Earth Day, I’m making no (or little) mention of the health consequences of so much animal consumption, and about the totally false information being put out by the meat and dairy industries to make people think beef is “what’s for dinner” or we should drink milk because “it does a body good.” Dr. Oppenlander’s book addresses some of these issues as well. Most striking is the part where he quotes Marion Nestle from her book Food Politics in which she discusses her time working for the U.S. Public Health Service in Washington D.C. managing the editorial production of “The Surgeon General’s Report on Nutrition and Health.” She states, “My first day on the job, I was given the rules: No matter what the research indicated, the report could not recommend ‘eat less meat’ … or the report will never be published.” So yeah, there you go. Translation: fuck all government funded research and reports because they’re all influenced by the industry lobbyists. Or, you know, maybe just think twice about any and all reports, and consider who is really behind them, and from where they receive their funding.

Keeping this environment focused means I’m also not elaborating on the atrocities of factory farming from the perspective of its victims. Again, if only more people knew. If kids in school knew what happened to those cows before they turned into that burger, or how the cute pigs lived and died to become pork in their hotdogs, I don’t think they would want to eat them. If you’ve ever implored people you care about (or anyone at all) to eat less meat, you may have heard things like “but we’ve been eating meat for centuries!” Ugh. Yes, we have. That doesn’t make it right.

“Whether it’s the structure of the solar system or the morality of slavery, entire societies can achieve unanimity around deeply flawed beliefs.” – Chris Hayes Twilight of the Elites

Yes, they can.

p.s. I know I’ll get an earful from people advocating the “small farm” way of eating meat (vs. factory farm) and insisting that it’s totally cool to go to the local Brooklyn “farm-to-table” restaurant with only “sustainable” meat and fish on the menu. While I think that’s certainly preferable, and I really love and support the whole “farm-to-table” movement, I still wish there weren’t so many animals on that table.

p.p.s. That being said, I do buy things for my dog at the greenmarket, like bones from those small farmers. So if you see me there, please don’t yell at me. Dogs and cats have different systems than we do, they’re hunters with appropriate digestion systems for consuming raw meat. (If you’re curious what I feed my dog and cat, see this post.)

p.p.p.s. If you have ten minutes, please watch the following speech. You don’t even have to watch, you can just listen. You can floss your teeth, file your nails, clean your desk, whatever, at the same time. It’s a man named Philip Wollen, and he’s speaking at a debate about whether animals should be on or off the table. It’s short, it’s moving, and I hope, inspiring.

Happy Earth Day.

“Nothing will benefit human health and increase the chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet.” – Albert Einstein

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Banning Fur. So, this comes up reasonably often at my restaurant Pure Food and Wine. Someone is appalled to see us cheerfully checking someone’s fur coat, or to see a fellow diner wearing a fur trimmed something-or-other. And I hear about it, via some outraged tweet or otherwise. Not long ago someone left a comment card saying (yes it was in all caps), “WILL NEVER COME BACK TO EAT HERE UNLESS YOU BAN FUR FROM ENTERING THE RESTAURANT” Um, okay. Really?

First, I would never “ban fur from entering the restaurant” and further, if any of our employees made a snarky or disparaging comment to any fur-wearing patron, that employee would be (most likely) fired. That seems harsh but I’m quite sure that our entire staff knows that we are not in the business of judging people. What we are in the business of doing is offering people the best vegan, raw, organic food experience, along with the best service. This is what we strive to do. And it’s my personal hope and belief that we’re opening minds in the process. Those people who think vegan food will be boring, bland, and otherwise unsatisfying are given an opportunity to see that it can be quite the opposite.

Let’s take a woman who comes in wearing a fur coat. Chances are, she’s not a vegan (I believe most of our at least roughly half of our guests are not strictly vegan). Maybe she’s even skeptical about eating vegan, and is walking in with low expectations. However, to her surprise, she has a lovely experience. She’s charmed by our charming staff, is excited about the food, and feels energized after her dinner instead of weighed down. Maybe she’s even interested in learning more. Maybe once she leaves, she checks out our website, or otherwise looks into the benefits of eating more plants and less meat. Maybe she buys one or both of my books from the restaurant before she leaves. Maybe, just maybe, this one visit is the inspiration for her to start thinking about going vegan, or at least taking a step in that direction. And if she takes that step, most likely it won’t take too long before she starts to think twice about wearing (and buying) fur.

So, I should ban her from coming in? I think not. A few years ago I saw on the door of a vegan restaurant a sign that said, “If you’re wearing fur you’re not welcome.” I was really surprised. Way to slam the door on an opportunity for positive change. Besides, if that, why not also ban everyone from wearing leather? Carrying an old leather wallet? Where would it end?

For maximum benefit to the earth, people’s health, and to the welfare of animals, the best thing we (at Pure Food and Wine) can do is welcome everyone with open arms, an open mind, and a big smile. There is a place for protests, for the justifiably loud, passionate, and even angry defense of animals, but that’s not at my restaurant. I’m grateful to everyone who is an advocate for animals and for a healthier and more peaceful planet. We’re doing our best to do our own part, in the most effective way we know how.

With love, Sarma

p.s. From my personal account, I’ll post snarky tweets about the fur-glorifying Kim Kardashians of the world as much as the next person who wishes fur was a thing of the past. However, if she walked into Pure Food and Wine (she hasn’t yet), we’d cheerfully hang her coat, and hope that a dinner with us sparks, fuels, or otherwise furthers an interest in a plant-based lifestyle. Just imagine the ripple effect if someone like her changed her ways?

p.p.s. Not long ago, West Hollywood banned the sale of fur. You can read about it here. This kind of legislation gives me hope that the fur industry will soon be a thing of the past.

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Leon attempting to eat his own paw

I get asked all the time what I feed my dog and cat. Lately there’s been a lot of talk about vegan pet food, and I’m hoping to do some more research myself soon. But, in short, my understanding of the general consensus is that it’s possible to meet a dog’s needs on a very careful vegan diet, but not a cat’s. That being said, I still feed both a raw and organic chicken-based formula that comes frozen. For years I’ve been buying Nature’s Variety, from the store Whiskers in NYC. I have a little inside scoop on Nature’s Variety and why it’s my brand of choice, but that’s another story for another time. My cat Sydney gets mostly just the Nature’s Variety. Leon, my dog, gets his raw food mixed with a variety of other things like fresh parsley, thawed frozen blueberries, baked sweet potato, kelp flakes, sometimes some brown rice and beans, and occasionally raw greenmarket eggs. Leon also regularly snacks on all kinds of things like melon, carrots, or whatever I’m eating, as long as it excludes those things known to be toxic to dogs (like

chocolate and macadamia nuts, who knew?). I’ve learned the hard way I have to be careful what I give Leon for snacks. He loves fruits like apples, pears, and any kind of melon. However, more than just a bite or two leads to runny consequences. No fun.

My cat doesn’t like wheatgrass, but many cats and dogs do, in which case, go for it. My favorite wheatgrass (and sunflower sprouts) come from Stuart the Wheatgrass Man at the Union Square Greenmarket (if you get on his email list he addresses them all “Hello Grasspeople”). There’s also a guy who sells smoked trout for a few months each year. He catches them himself from his own pond. So I/we don’t feel as bad about ocean depletion or by-catch, etc. Sydney and Leon go crazy for the trout. Speaking of crazy, I’ve never heard of a cat NOT going crazy for these Wildside salmon treats. Again, totally not vegan, but a thorough examination of the source makes me feel like they’re a-ok for now. Leon gets vegan organic treats, his favorites from Bocce’s Bakery , we carry their two vegan varieties, PB&J and Apple Pie. They’re tasty. I know this because I have a tendency to eat them too. I quite like when people see me at the dog park sharing a biscuit with Leon. They look at me like I’m crazy and I’m like “What? What are in your dog’s treats?”

I supplement both Leon and Sydney’s food with Green Mush, not all the time but a lot of the time. It’s full of good stuff, including probiotics, something all of us could use more of in our diets. Maybe I’ll shift to giving Leon a more vegan diet but for now I’m still researching. So far I’ve noticed most of the vegan dog food available is not organic, and/or contains a lot of soy or corn. I don’t want to feed my dog GMO corn and soy. For now, I believe I’m doing right by him. And it helps also to know that the parts used by Nature’s Variety and in other (reputable) raw pet food brands are mostly the bones, organs and trimmings that come from the ‘processing’ of these meats for people. Cats and dogs specifically need the minerals and nutrients in the bones and organs so it wouldn’t make sense to feed them cleaned up grocery store chicken meat anyway. In this way, one can rationalize that it’s sort of a byproduct, if that eases anyone’s conscience.

can I haz that cookie?p.s. Leon tweets here: @oneluckypuppy

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I write all time about my dog Leon, I tweet photos of him, he tweets. I wrote a long love post about adopting him two years ago here. I love him so much I worry my heart will literally explode. He’s my guy. Leon loves other dogs and he’s always so sweet with them – particularly puppies and smaller girl dogs. When we run into them on the street, it generally turns into a full on play session. It’s made me think about how nice it would be for him and another dog to keep each other company. With winter coming, and with all the shelters overflowing now post Hurricane Sandy, I thought it would be a perfect time to bring home another rescue pup.

Of course I went back to Sean Casey in Brooklyn which is where I found Leon. There we found a beautiful one year old baby girl. She looks like a mix of pit bull and Dalmatian, maybe with a bit of small terrier in her. She’s a muscular little thing and incredibly strong, all white with pale spots and more pronounced black spots on her floppy ears. I was in love. They said we should come back with Leon so that they could meet in case it wasn’t a match. So Friday we drove back with Leon, who seemed totally uneasy and freaked out about being back at the same spot where I adopted him two years ago. We took the two dogs for a quick walk, she was hyperactive and playing with him, he seemed a little overwhelmed, but I didn’t think much of it. Half a block was all it took, I wanted to bring her home. Paperwork filled out, we were on our way.

In the car Leon seemed bummed. He tucked himself on the floor of the car while the baby girl was being held in the backseat. I figured all would be okay as soon as they settled in back at home, except that didn’t happen. We got home, I brought Leon in first, then we brought in the baby girl. She only wanted to play with him and while Leon seemed freaked out (see photo) all seemed fine at first. But then it became clear he was terrified of her and their playing turned into her lashing out at him. Seeing Leon, the love of my life, a 75 pound pit bull, looking freaked out, hiding in the back of the apartment, and appearing completely overwhelmed and bummed was ripping at my heart. So we kept them separate. Each time we gently reintroduced them, if we weren’t extra careful, things got aggressive quickly. This baby girl clearly wanted this to be her house, and us her parents. With Leon separate in the other room, she was beyond sweet. She’s smart, and already knows how to sit and lay down. She was quick to house train (within 24 hours) and seemed very responsive. She’s cuddly and affectionate. I fucking adore her. If only she hadn’t already given Leon three puncture wounds.

And so began the sob fest. My heart broken feeling that I’d somehow betrayed Leon by bringing home this dog. And heart broken because she was otherwise so sweet, and I already loved her. Except I could see no happy ending. And top it off with a giant wet blanket of feeling totally overwhelmed in general. How could I have adopted another pup when I already live in a state of feeling overwhelmed by the usual day to day. I’d thought the support was there. But turns out it’s not. And now it was one of those situations where you know no matter what, it’s going to hurt.

Leon’s original trainer/walker and my close friend Justin came over. (If you watched CBS’s Dogs In The City, that’s Justin). He knows Leon really well. He knows me really well. He watched the interaction between Leon and the baby girl and said he felt strongly it’s just not a good match. He knows I’m overly sensitive about Leon and I know him to not be overly sensitive, so I knew if he was saying this then he was right. If I was available full time and if they could have proper supervision and training full time, maybe it could be worked out over a period of time. But knowing Leon and how well he takes to most dogs, he said this was just one of those things where it’s not a good fit. And that probably they’d get hurt. The baby girl should ideally be adopted by a home without existing pets, and socialized over time. Heart. Ripping. Apart.

It’s like when you know you have to get a divorce, and yet it feels absolutely impossible to bear. You’re going to miss this person horribly, it’s going to hurt like fucking hell, you love them and you always will, but it’s just not right. They should be with someone else. And you keep trying to think of how just maybe it could work, even though you know it can’t. And you cry your eyes out till your face is swollen and you have no more tears and then you start all over again. Yes, I’m talking about this baby girl now. I love her and her sweet face and soft fur and the way she looked up at me. I wanted to make her life perfect and happy. But meanwhile, Leon, the love of my life, was miserable, and this girl ought to be with someone else. I fail her, or I fail him.

It was less than 48 hours and she’s back at Sean Casey now. They’re a no-kill shelter and very cool, and they were great when I called them in tears explaining what was happening. Dropping her off was ridiculously painful but it felt like the right thing to do. And when the time is right and the right puppy dog or older dog appears, I’ll try again. And if anyone has been thinking about adopting or knows someone who has, and doesn’t have other dogs, she’s a beautiful sweet amazing ridiculously cute loveable little girl. A little territorial, but nothing that time and attention in the right home can’t fix.

I gave her a good little vacation I guess. We walked, played fetch, she got a bath, and good food, and she lay with me on the couch. I wanted to be her forever Mom too. If I didn’t already have Leon, I’d have become her dog-mom and it would be fine. But the way Leon looked at me, not to mention swabbing his little bleeding wounds with hydrogen peroxide and Neosporin, made it feel impossible. Is there something wrong with me that a canine situation like this has made me a weekend basketcase? Some would say yes, that it’s not about the dogs, it’s about something else. But I think sometimes connections with and responsibility for animals can feel that strong.

Visiting a shelter is heartbreaking. The dogs can look a bit rough, dirty, sometimes thin, and generally stressed out. But once they’re in a home, bathed and fluffed up, loved, and ideally fed ridiculously healthy food, they get a life back. I hope this little girl gets the right home. She’s listed on Sean Casey’s site here as Erica. She also happened to be in exactly the same cage at Sean Casey that Leon had been in when I found him. I thought that had been an extra sign that it was meant to be.

Leon has his Mom and his house back. I’m still crying over it and staring at her pictures, but trying to tell myself it was the right thing to do. Sill, I love Erica too, wherever she ends up. Maybe she’ll get the right home soon. I love you sweet little girl. 

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