Marlene Chism's Blog

Clarity is the foundation of effective leadership. When leaders lack clarity, organizations drift, drama escalates, and alignment becomes impossible. When leaders prioritize clarity, they create focus, confidence, accountability, and direction. Clarity transforms how leaders think, decide, communicate, and act. These twelve principles define the essence of Clarity First Leadership.

1. Clarity Can Change Any Situation

Most problems are not the result of people issues but clarity gaps. Drama grows in undefined spaces—undefined expectations, undefined outcomes, undefined roles. When you bring clarity, you reduce confusion and create a pathway forward.

2. Clarity Is a Decision, Not a Feeling

We confuse clarity with certainty. Certainty is emotional; clarity is intentional. Clarity is choosing what you want, why it matters, and what you’re willing to commit to—whether or not the future feels certain. Clarity is a decision first and a feeling second. Peace is the emotional result of choosing clarity—not the requirement for it.

3. Clarity Precedes Alignment

People cannot align with what has not been defined. Alignment requires direction, boundaries, priorities, and agreements. Misalignment is often a clarity problem disguised as a performance problem.

4. Clarity Before CourageCourage alone can cause unnecessary damage. Clarity gives courage purpose. When you know your intention, the real issue, and the outcome you’re seeking, courageous action becomes anchored instead of impulsive.5. Clarity Dissolves Drama

Drama thrives on assumptions, misunderstandings, and unspoken expectations. Clarity ends guessing, stops gossip, and brings truth to the surface so real conversation can begin.

6. Anger Is Counterfeit ClarityAnger often feels like clarity because it produces urgency, certainty, and emotional intensity. But anger is a counterfeit—an emotional imposter pretending to be direction. Anger is an amygdala response, not a leadership signal. True clarity emerges only after the emotional charge has settled. Peace is what clarity creates, not what creates clarity.7. Clarity Turns Accountability Into PartnershipAccountability is measurement; responsibility is ownership. When leaders separate the two, accountability becomes developmental instead of punitive. Ownership lives in the heart; measurement lives in the head.8. Clarity Reveals Root CauseLeaders often treat symptoms: slow performance, missed deadlines, resistance, and silence. Clarity helps identify the real issue beneath the behavior so leaders can address what’s truly broken.9. Clarity Creates Better Conversations

Difficult conversations become easier when intention and outcome are clear. Clarity turns confrontation into contribution and shifts communication from fear-driven to purpose-driven.

10. Clarity Requires Emotional Integrity

Clarity demands telling yourself the truth before you bring truth to others. It requires owning your stories, your motives, and your part in the dynamic. Emotional integrity precedes effective leadership.

11. Clarity Gives You Agency

Once you know the island you’re rowing toward, you stop drifting. Clarity restores power by directing effort, choices, and energy toward what matters most.

12. Clarity Is a Love Language for Leaders

Clarity is a form of respect. It removes suffering, reduces anxiety, and provides structure. When leaders set clear expectations, boundaries, and roles, they create safety and trust.

Conclusion: Clarity Creates New Realities

Clarity may not immediately change the situation, but it transforms your experience of the situation, and from that clarity of experience, new outcomes emerge. Clarity is creative power. It is how leaders shift narratives, redirect teams, and shape the future. Clarity is a prerequisite to alignment. Clarity comes before courage and before conversations.

Schedule a video call to learn more about The Leadership Clarity Solution, a retreat for senior leaders.

Image by Mohamed Hassan from  Pixabay

The post The 2026 Clarity Manifesto appeared first on Marlene Chism.

Both my mother and father lost their fathers around the age of five or six. Each had a step sibling of the opposite sex, twelve years apart in age. My father’s stepsister was twelve years older; my mother’s stepbrother was twelve years younger.

The parallels, and the opposites of their lives fascinated me as I got older. Their marriage, built on unmet needs and unhealed wounds, couldn’t withstand the daily pressures of limited resources and unhealed childhood trauma. Eventually, their inner conflicts turned into domestic violence, a bitter divorce, and a lifetime of avoided conversations and unfinished business.

Like so many children of emotional chaos, I became hypersensitive; always scanning for tension, reading danger in a tone of voice, trying to keep the peace before the storm hit. Those early years shaped not only my nervous system but also my worldview.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was being prepared for my life’s work. I was becoming a lifelong student of power, emotion, relationships, and human behavior.

Awakening to the Patterns

My first awakening came when I took an introductory psychology course in college. Suddenly, the chaos of my childhood had a name: family systems, dysfunction, anxiety, and emotional inheritance. It was as if someone handed me a roadmap to make sense of my beginnings.

Later, I discovered a life-changing framework called the Karpman Drama Triangle, which helped me understand the hidden dynamics of victimhood, rescuing, and blame. That single model became a foundation for everything I would later teach about relationships, empowerment, and personal responsibility. It inspired my first book, Stop Workplace Drama, and the licensed program The 8 Steps of Empowerment.

Through years of inner work, more self-study, and eventually a master’s degree, I began to reframe my understanding of conflict—from “conflict equals danger” to “conflict is an opportunity for growth.” That realization became the heartbeat of From Conflict to Courage, and the foundation for The Performance Coaching Model.

The Leadership Lesson

Good leadership is less about education and more about transformation. Whatever has happened to you, your setbacks, struggles, and story become your unique leadership thumbprint. You can’t rewrite the past, but you can transform your relationship to it.

Families and organizations both take on the shape of their leadership. In a family, when parents are wounded or emotionally unavailable, children struggle to feel safe and develop confidence. In an organization, when leaders are unclear or avoid difficult conversations, trust erodes, accountability slips, and dysfunction quietly becomes the culture.

Whether in a family or a workplace, the system reflects the level of awareness at the top. Healing, growth, and transformation always begin with those who lead.

To Change the Culture, Change the Conversation

I often say, “if you want to change the culture, you have to change the conversation.”
As long as the voice in your head says, “Conflict means danger” or “Accountability means punishment,” you’ll keep avoiding the very conversations that lead to growth.

But with a shift in perspective, and a new narrative, you begin to see that conflict isn’t the problem. Mismanagement is.

That’s why I write and speak about accountability and courageous conversations: to change the way leaders think and talk about discomfort, clarity, and growth. My goal is to equip leaders with the mindset, framework, and confidence to turn difficult moments into defining ones.

Because when a leader transforms, the culture follows.

The post The Link Between Family Dysfunction and Workplace Drama appeared first on Marlene Chism.

Hypocrisy is easy to see in others but not in ourselves.

Even the best communicators can become blind to their own contradictions.

Dr. Phil built an empire on tough love, truth-telling, and accountability.

Now, his media company is being forced into liquidation after a judge found evidence was deleted and obligations ignored.

This isn’t about schadenfreude. It’s about incongruence; when what you teach and what you practice start to drift apart; when the message and the method don’t match.

For leaders, the problem isn’t just moral; it’s magnetic. You attract what you model.

You can’t preach accountability and practice avoidance.You can’t claim transparency and conceal the facts.You can’t teach people how to face their fears while denying your own.

It’s easy to point out other people’s hypocrisy. And yet, who among us hasn’t done some version of that?  It’s when your mouth says “clarity,” but your behavior says “confusion.” It’s when your platform gets louder while your integrity gets quieter.

Here’s the truth about leadership:

The higher you go, the smaller your margin for incongruence. Because people don’t just listen to what you say; they watch what you normalize. (This isn’t about judging Dr. Phil,) it’s about remembering that alignment is leadership’s real currency, and it’s accountability that protects alignment.

When alignment slips, there’s a consequence: financial, reputational, or relational.

Some questions to ask before we look outward:

Where might my message and my method be out of sync?Where am I practicing “selective accountability”?What truth am I asking others to live that I’ve stopped living myself?

Integrity isn’t a stance. It’s a daily practice. Having standards of behavior, measurements of performance, and people to report to creates accountability. Alignment requires accountability, and accountability protects alignment.

The price of incongruence is always more than you expect.

 

Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

The post The Price of Incongruence: What Dr. Phil’s Fall Teaches Every Leader About Accountability appeared first on Marlene Chism.

One of the most overlooked gaps in leadership isn’t about strategy, vision, or even technical know-how. It’s about the conversations that never take place. Instead of leaning into dialogue, leaders often lean on assumptions: They’re not motivated. They don’t care. This generation is just different. What fills the silence isn’t progress, it’s resentment. And resentment is leadership’s silent killer. Resentment builds with each avoided conversation, and it leaks out in sarcasm, passive-aggressive language, and undermining. The truth is that your employees can “feel” your resentment, no matter how you justify avoiding that difficult conversation.

Here are three areas where leaders often fall short, and what happens when these missing pieces derail coaching conversations.

1. Problems Go Undiagnosed

Too many leaders slap the wrong label on the issue. “We have a communication problem” becomes the catch-all excuse. Or worse, the blame is aimed at a generation: “Those Gen (X, Y, or Z).” When problems aren’t properly diagnosed, leaders prescribe the wrong fixes: a workshop that doesn’t stick, a coaching engagement that never lands, or a feedback tool that misses the point.

What’s absent is a structured way to identify the real cause. Without it, resentment builds because the leader assumes “will” is the issue; employees simply don’t want to perform. But most performance problems aren’t just about willingness; they’re a mix of multiple root causes. Skipping diagnosis means chasing the wrong solutions while frustration grows on both sides.

In The Performance Coaching Model, we teach how to think like a consultant, to look for five main root causes and their combinations. Believe me, it’s not just willingness or desire.

2. Coaching Becomes Lecturing

Another thing that’s missing is the actual skill of coaching. Too often, conversations turn into lectures, pep talks, or mild hinting.  Leaders may be overly friendly, excessively hands-off, or so controlling that their teams can’t breathe. None of these behaviors equals coaching. Telling isn’t training, and lecturing isn’t learning.

The absence of coaching skill shows up in revolving doors: constant turnover in a role, repeated hiring for the same job, or performance issues that never improve. When leaders don’t know how to coach, they default to either rescuing employees or blaming them. The result? Stagnation. True coaching requires process, curiosity, consistency, and the courage to diagnose and guide, not just talk.

3. Emotions Run the Show

What’s also missing is the ability to self-regulate. Many leaders wait until they’re boiling over to finally say something, believing their anger gives them clarity. I often say that “anger is not the truth, but it’s the fuel to get you there.” My rule is this:  Regulation before resolution. You can’t coach anyone if you’re dysregulated, and you also can’t coach a dysregulated person. When you’re upset, conversations have the wrong tone and wrong intention. (We teach how to set the intention in The Performance Coaching Model.)

Without regulation, leaders either lash out or wait until annual reviews to unload a year’s worth of grievances. By then, the opportunity for quick course correction is long gone. What’s missing is the willingness to address small issues in real time with calm, simple statements like, “I noticed you’ve missed two meetings. I need you to attend moving forward.”

Closing Thought

What undermines leadership isn’t just the conflicts that arise; it’s the conversations that never happen. When leaders skip diagnosis, avoid true coaching, or let their emotions take the driver’s seat, they create environments where resentment thrives. But when they develop these three missing muscles, they move from avoidance and assumption to clarity and results.

 

 

Image by Amore Seymour from Pixabay

The post When Leadership Conversations Don’t Happen appeared first on Marlene Chism.

If conflict management has become a recognizable problem in your organization, there’s a circular pattern to look for: The first clue is a misdiagnosis: “We have a communication problem.”

Almost all conflict is originally misdiagnosed as a communication problem. The reality is that there wouldn’t be a communication problem if there weren’t some sort of underlying conflict. (Yes, poor communication can cause conflict, but if the relationships are relatively good and you have competent people, there’s not much of a problem.) You make adjustments, ask for what you want, get to work, and there’s no hard feelings.

Why It’s Not a Communication Problem

The reason people don’t communicate is relational. There’s a lack of trust. There are hurt feelings. There’s fear of being misunderstood, of making waves, of not getting support. So, the real issue is some sort of inner conflict that turns into outer conflict that’s first recognized as a communication problem.

When unresolved or mismanaged conflict gets the attention of the C-suite, it’s because unresolved conflict affects the business in some way:  Customers are leaving, projects are stalled, mistakes are made, quality is compromised, and OSHA is knocking at the corporate door due to a safety violation.

That’s when conflict becomes not a tactical issue meant for front-line supervisors, but a strategic priority at the top with the VP or C-suite.

Most senior-level leaders believe unresolved conflict is a “tactical communication problem” that should be pushed down either to HR or business unit managers to figure out. That’s a nice theory, but the truth is this: Culture is not up to HR, and conflict is not a tactical communication problem to be handled by middle management. It’s not fair to throw a problem to HR and expect a solution based on building a new policy or hosting mandatory workshops.

And, if Mid-level managers knew how to manage conflicts and build accountability, the top leaders wouldn’t even know about conflict. Once the conflicts get to a certain point, the best that happens is a workshop a 360, or a reorganization.

What’s interesting to me is the unaddressed conflict and dysfunction at the senior level. I’ve talked with senior leaders about their own executive teams, and this is what I hear, even at the top:  “But they just don’t do conflict…”So, if senior leaders don’t do conflict, why do they expect their mid-level managers and supervisors to excel at it? Or why do they think a new policy is going to change anything if managers won’t have conversations? Because avoidance is the path of least resistance. But it’s not like avoiders don’t know they avoid. They do.

Avoiders know they avoid, so the avoiding is intentional. (There’s a belief that it will all blow over, and after all, “we’re all adults.”) Unfortunately, it’s rare for conflict to work itself out or blow over. It leaks out in sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, undermining, and turnover, and that’s why it looks on the surface like a communication problem.

As a leader, if you’re INTENTIONALLY avoiding conflict, you’re UNINTENTIONALLY avoiding inner growth.

The Courageous Leader Eco System solves this cultural problem because it’s supported at every level of the organization. Part of the system is learning a framework for having difficult conversations, and part of the system is changing your mind about how you interpret conflict. Once you know a framework, and you change your interpretation, anxiety subsides. Leaders have a pathway even when it’s difficult. Schedule a meeting with me if you want to learn more.

The post When Conflict Management Becomes a Strategic Concern appeared first on Marlene Chism.

You’ve got a killer strategy. Your spreadsheet is immaculate. But if you have “Communication Problems,” you’ll see those problems manifest in business outcomes.

The bottom line: Strategy won’t save you, and neither will your technical skills, if you don’t know how to manage yourself and build collaborative relationships.  Here’s what not to do — and what to do instead if you want to lead with clarity and courage.

1. Don’t Treat Communication as a Diagnosis

Almost every time someone reaches out to me with a workplace concern, they diagnose the issue as a communication problem. This is the lazy man’s way of categorizing problems. Even lazier is to hold a communication workshop. Poor communication is the result of an undiagnosed or mismanaged conflict. You can’t resolve a conflict unless you know what it’s about, no matter how beautifully or how often you communicate.

What to do instead:
Understand that if there’s a communication problem, there’s a mismanaged or undiagnosed conflict. Make sure your way of communicating (avoiding, appeasing, or aggression) isn’t undermining the results you want. Treat every conversation as a chance to lead by example and to be curious enough to get to the root of the problem.

2. Stop Believing Everything You Think

That story you’re telling yourself about resistance or lack of support: It might be fiction. Just because you feel something or think something doesn’t mean it’s so. Assumptions left unchallenged become self-fulfilling prophecies.

What to do instead:
Before blaming or jumping to assumptions, reality-check your inner narrative. Ask: “What else could be true?” Stop the habit of debating mentally and silently. You’ll only convince yourself that you’re right. Before you verify with a real conversation, check your emotions and make sure you’re centered, and let the other person talk without interruption.

3. Watch How You Show Up

How do you show up on a daily basis? Does your language and behavior set the tone you want, or are you sarcastic and belittling? Sarcasm, blame, and discounting behaviors such as eye-rolling indicate unresolved anger and internal mismanagement. Especially toxic to the culture if you’re a C-suite or executive. No matter what your level of leadership, passive-aggressive behavior destroys trust and damages relationships.

What to do instead:
Deal with any underlying resentments and start asking for what you want. Stop eye-rolling and other behaviors that discount others. If you want to get serious about changing your behavior, do a secret ballot and find out what others really think about you. You might be surprised.
Use language and behavior that align with the values stated on your website.

4. Quit Preaching Values You Don’t Practice

Posting values on the wall is easy. Living them in meetings, decisions, and tough conversations is where it counts. For example, if you say you value integrity but don’t keep small promises, you have some work to do.

What to do instead:
Make values actionable. Ask in meetings: “How does this decision reflect our values?” Embed them into hiring, recognition, and feedback. When you make a promise, put it in your calendar. Follow up and apologize when you drop the ball.

5. Stop Avoiding Discomfort

The biggest way leaders escalate conflict is by avoiding it altogether. Besides a distaste for uncomfortable emotions, the main reason for avoidance is not knowing how to accurately assess the situation, not knowing how to start the conversation, and not knowing how to finish strong. Avoiding conflict may buy temporary peace, but it builds long-term resentment. Silence doesn’t resolve tension—it amplifies it.

What to do instead:
Before addressing any issue, understand the situation, the desired outcome, and what’s standing in the way. I teach this method in The Performance Coaching Model, and it’s called Leadership Clarity. Address issues early. Use clear, non-blaming language to surface concerns before they snowball into bigger breakdowns.

6. Never Wing a Conflict Conversation

Going in “off the cuff” might feel confident, but it usually results in misalignment or missed opportunities for clarity. Impromptu conversations can feel good, but if there’s no action item, no changed behavior, and no follow-up, it was just a waste of time.

What to do instead:
Plan difficult conversations with intention. Define the purpose, outcome, and key message before engaging. Clarity up front prevents confusion later.

7. Stop Listening to Reload

The paradox of listening is this: The more difficult the conversation, the more important listening becomes. In The Performance Coaching Model, we call it Radical Listening. When you’re listening just long enough to fire back, you’re not leading—you’re debating. Defensive listening shuts down trust.

What to do instead:
Practice radical listening. Stay curious. Reflect on what you hear before responding. It builds trust and leads to better solutions. We have an entire section on Radical Listening in The Performance Coaching Model.

8. Don’t Confuse Information with Transformation

Many leaders are so busy reading, listening to podcasts, and attending workshops, they don’t have time to actually practice what they’re consuming.  Consuming content isn’t the same as growing. Transformation takes repetition, feedback, and the willingness to change your habits. That is exactly why The Courageous Leader Ecosystem focuses on a layered approach to learning, and that’s where transformation happens.

What to do instead:
Slow down on all the consumption. Take some time to invest in the application. Practice new skills, get coaching, and reflect on your own behavior. Keep a journal of improvements. That’s how learning becomes leadership.

 

Conclusion

Communication is not a soft skill; it’s a leadership skill. If you notice “Communication problems,” find the underlying conflict, and communication becomes so much easier.

 

 

Image by InPixell Studio from  Pixabay

The post Don’t Let Communication Problems Sabotage Your Leadership appeared first on Marlene Chism.

No matter how many personality assessments you take, how many leaderships retreats you attend, and how many certifications you capture, nothing can override your programming, blind spots, and hidden beliefs. The fact is, our unconscious behaviors and beliefs can derail us unless we bring them to light. Here are five beliefs and behaviors I see on a regular basis and some insight to make a shift.

1. Taking Everything Personally

You sense resistance from an employee. Your meeting fell flat. Your team seems disengaged. Instinct says, “What did I do wrong?” That probably feels noble, but it’s also egocentric.

Insight: People are more likely to react to uncertainty, stress, or their misinformed interpretation. It’s probably not as much about you as you think it is. Leadership maturity means depersonalizing feedback and behavior so you can stay grounded and ask questions.

Instead of internalizing every situation, ask: “What else might be true?”

2. Confusing Certainty with Clarity

Both clarity and certainty reduce our anxiety in a chaotic, ever-changing world, but it pays to know the distinction between certainty and clarity.

Certainty sounds strong, for example, “I know she’s trying to undermine me,” or “They just don’t care.” These black-and-white statements offer the illusion of control but reflect assumptions and unexamined narratives. I offer a tool called The Leadership Clarity Tool, or LCT for short, in The Performance Coaching Model. This tool helps leaders prepare for high-stakes conversations instead of blaming, shooting from the hip, or leading with assumptions.

The fact is, we can never be certain about someone’s intention behind rude behavior, but as a leader, we can be clear about how the behavior affects teamwork and customer service.

Insight: Certainty is rooted in past history and assumption, with a focus on being right.
Clarity is grounded by the present and guided by possibility.

Certainty seeks to conclude, while clarity seeks to illuminate.

In all drama, there’s always a lack of clarity, but clarity can change any situation.

3. Identifying as a Problem-Solver

Many leaders pride themselves on being the fixer, the troubleshooter, the one who finds the crack in the system and plugs the leak. Problem-solving becomes not just a skill—but an identity.

The problem? When you over-identify as a problem-solver, you tend to:

See everything as a problemJump in too soonMiss the bigger opportunityStay in firefighting mode instead of building capability in others

Insight: If your worth is tied to solving problems, you’ll keep attracting them or even creating them unconsciously. But leadership isn’t about being the hero. Leadership is about creating the conditions where others thrive. Start identifying as a co-creator and see how problems dissipate.

4. I’m Not Here to Babysit

It’s tempting to pass the baton when something isn’t in your lane. “They need to step up.” “That’s their department.” Maybe. But leadership isn’t about discipline, micromanagement, or turf wars. Real leadership is about supporting, mentoring, and coaching.

Insight: Great leaders don’t just hand off the work or look for ways to “hold people accountable. They don’t use phrases like, “I’m not here to babysit.” Effective leaders look for ways to mentor and coach their direct reports.

5. Diagnosing Communication as a Problem

If I had a thousand dollars for every executive who said, “We need help with communication,” I’d fund my own retreat center. Here’s the twist: it’s usually not a communication issue as much as it is an unaddressed conflict.

Insight: You can be polished, articulate, even charismatic—and still be conflict-averse. Communication is only powerful when it helps you face what’s difficult. Communication is not fluff. It’s strategy, especially when the stakes are high. The next time you say, “We have a communication problem, remind yourself to identify the unaddressed conflict.”

Final Thought: Don’t Let Beliefs Become a Barrier

When you lead from unchallenged beliefs, you mistake comfort for clarity.  The good news? You can upgrade your mental operating system if you’re willing to examine your assumptions.

The future of leadership isn’t just smarter. It’s braver, clearer, and more curious. It’s not about proving you’re right but about creating the conditions for others to thrive.

 

 

Image by Josch13 from Pixabay

The post Certainty Isn’t Clarity and 4 Other Beliefs That Hold Leaders Back appeared first on Marlene Chism.

Most leadership trainings start either with a personality profile or learning a repeatable skill, for example, a script to use during a sales call, or just the right phrase to use in a conflict.

Scripts can sometimes be helpful. After all, I’ve built a script of sorts around my Performance Coaching Model. At the same time, scripts won’t help much if you’re emotionally hijacked, second-guessing yourself, or trying to be someone you’re not.

Leadership isn’t just about the outer game of skills development; it’s also about the inner game.

When you don’t have clarity on the inside, your outer actions—no matter how polished—will ring hollow.

Let’s explore what it means to master the inner game of conflict and why it’s the most overlooked element in leadership development.

What’s the Inner Game?

The inner game is the space where your emotions, values, beliefs, and desires either work together or work against each other.

It’s where you:

Struggle with indecision because you want two things at once.Say yes when you mean no.Stay quiet when your values are being compromised.Doubt your decisions, even after you’ve made them.

You might think your conflict is with your employee, your boss, or your co-worker.
But the real conflict—the first conflict-is—is inside of you.

The High Cost of Misalignment

Misalignment means your behavior doesn’t match your values. Your head says one thing. Your gut says another. And your leadership becomes scattered, reactive, and exhausting.

Let’s take a common example:

You value honesty and direct communication. But you avoid giving tough feedback because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. So, you wait. You hint. You hope they’ll figure it out, all the while, you feel frustrated, out of integrity, and mentally drained. That’s the cost of misalignment: mental fatigue, relational friction, and leadership drift.

Four Keys to Winning the Inner GameSelf-Awareness: Know your patterns. What triggers you? What emotions surface when you’re stressed? What physical cues show up—tight shoulders, shallow breathing, clenched jaw?A Strong Values System: Are you clear on what you value most as a leader? Is it integrity? Growth? Respect? When you’re clear, decisions become easier because your compass is set.Discernment: Ask the powerful question: Does this serve me now? This allows you to shift in the moment instead of reacting on autopilot.Course Correction: You need a way to move past your habitual patterns and this often requires a plan.The Inner Game in Action

I’ve worked on my inner game, specifically around the area of impatience.  I’m naturally impatient. When I’m tired or under pressure, I interrupt, sigh, or push to “get it done.” But I also value radical listening, and impatience sabotages what I care about most. When I’m impatient, I notice the signals: a hot neck, shallow breath, and foot tapping. With some discernment and self-reflection, I noticed that I tend to exaggerate about inconveniences when I’m experiencing impatience.

For example, at the grocery store, I’d struggle if the cashier seemed preoccupied in conversation or was (in my opinion) taking too long. I noticed that when retelling the story, I’d exaggerate. I’d say, “The line was wrapped around the building. I waited for 30 minutes while they blabbed on and on.”

Deep down, I knew this behavior wasn’t helpful, so I decided to course-correct the behavior. Here’s what I did: First, I would no longer allow myself to exaggerate. If I were going to complain, I’d have to work with the facts only. No embellishments—no payoff of venting. Next, when I noticed the physical sensation and the trapped feeling of being in line, I’d set my timer for 10 minutes. I’d tell myself, “I can complain after 10 minutes.”

This freed me up to browse through a magazine or check social media—a nice distraction from my usual focus and intensity.  Then, before I even recognized the time that had passed, my timer went off as I was pulling out of the parking lot. (If I didn’t have the facts, I would have sworn I’d been there half an hour.)

Truth is stranger than fiction. The line was only three people deep, not wrapped around the building. They weren’t blabbing endlessly; they merely said, “Hello, are you having a good day?” and it didn’t take half an hour; it only took about 8 minutes.

The inner game kicks in, not after awareness, but after you make a decision to change, and you see the results.

This is what I know about conflict: There is no conflict unless there’s an inner conflict first. The most difficult work of leadership is in the inner game.

 

Image by Vilius Kukanauskas from Pixabay

The post Mastering the Inner Game appeared first on Marlene Chism.

Don’t Let Communication Problems Sabotage Your Leadership

You’ve got a killer strategy. Your spreadsheet is immaculate. But if you have “Communication Problems” you’ll see those problems manifest in business outcomes.

The bottom line: Strategy won’t save you and neither will your technical skills, if you don’t know how to manage yourself, and build collaborative relationships.  Here’s what not to do — and what to do instead if you want to lead with clarity and courage.

 

Don’t Treat Communication as a diagnosis

Almost every time someone reaches out to me with a workplace concern, they diagnose the issue as a communication problem. This is the lazy man’s way of categorizing problems. Even lazier is to hold a communication workshop. Poor communication is the result of an undiagnosed or mismanaged conflict. You can’t resolve a conflict unless you know what it’s about, no matter how beautifully or how often you communicate.

What to do instead:
Understand that if there’s a communication problem there’s a mismanaged or undiagnosed conflict. Make sure your way of communicating (avoiding, appeasing, or aggression) isn’t undermining the results you want. Treat every conversation as a chance to lead by example and to be curious enough to get to the root of the problem.

 

Stop Believing Everything You Think

That story you’re telling yourself about resistance or lack of support: It might be fiction. Just because you feel something or think something doesn’t mean it’s so. Assumptions left unchallenged become self-fulfilling prophecies.

What to do instead:
Before blaming or jumping to assumptions, reality-check your inner narrative. Ask: “What else could be true?” Stop the habit of debating mentally and silently. You’ll only convince yourself that you’re right. Before you verify with a real conversation, check your emotions and make sure you’re centered and let the other person talk without interruption.

 

Watch how you show up

How do you show up on a daily basis? Does your language and behavior set the tone you want, or are you sarcastic and belittling? Sarcasm, blame, and discounting behaviors such as eye-rolling indicate unresolved anger and internal mismanagement. Especially toxic to the culture if you’re a C-suite or executive. No matter what your level of leadership passive-aggressive behavior destroys trust and damages relationships.

What to do instead:
Deal with any underlying resentments and start asking for what you want. Stop eye-rolling and other behaviors that discount others. If you want to get serious about changing your behavior do a secret ballot and find out what others really think about you. You might be surprised.
Use language and behavior that aligns with the values stated on your website.

 

4.  Quit Preaching Values You Don’t Practice

Posting values on the wall is easy. Living them in meetings, decisions, and tough conversations is where it counts. For example, if you say you value integrity but don’t keep small promises, you have some work to do.

What to do instead:
Make values actionable. Ask in meetings: “How does this decision reflect our values?” Embed them into hiring, recognition, and feedback. When you make a promise, put it in your calendar. Follow up and apologize when you drop the ball.

 

Stop avoiding discomfort

The biggest way leaders escalate conflict is by avoiding it altogether. Besides a distaste for uncomfortable emotions, the main reason for avoidance is not knowing how to accurately assess the situation; not knowing how to start the conversation and not knowing how to finish strong. Avoiding conflict may buy temporary peace, but it builds long-term resentment. Silence doesn’t resolve tension—it amplifies it.

What to do instead:
Before addressing any issue, understand the situation, the desired outcome and what’s standing in the way. I teach this method in The Performance Coaching Model and it’s called Leadership Clarity. Address issues early. Use clear, non-blaming language to surface concerns before they snowball into bigger breakdowns.

 

Never Wing a Conflict Conversation

Going in “off the cuff” might feel confident, but it usually results in misalignment or missed opportunities for clarity. Impromptu conversations can feel good but if there’s no action item, no changed behavior and no follow up, it was just a waste of time.

What to do instead:
Plan difficult conversations with intention. Define the purpose, outcome, and key message before engaging. Clarity up front prevents confusion later.

 

Stop Listening to Reload

The paradox of listening is this: The more difficult the conversation, the more important listening becomes. In The Performance Coaching Model, we call it Radical Listening. When you’re listening just long enough to fire back, you’re not leading—you’re debating. Defensive listening shuts down trust.

What to do instead:
Practice radical listening. Stay curious. Reflect what you hear before responding. It builds trust and leads to better solutions. We have an entire section on Radical Listening in The Performance Coaching Model.

 

Don’t Confuse Information with Transformation

Many leaders are so busy reading, listening to podcasts, and attending workshops, they don’t have time to actually practice what they’re consuming.  Consuming content isn’t the same as growing. Transformation takes repetition, feedback, and the willingness to change your habits. That is exactly why The Courageous Leader Ecosystem focuses on a layered approach to learning, and that’s where transformation happens.

What to do instead:
Slow down on all the consumption. Take some time to invest in application. Practice new skills, get coaching, and reflect on your own behavior. Keep a journal of improvements. That’s how learning becomes leadership.

Conclusion
Communication is not a soft skill; it’s a leadership skill. If you notice “Communication problems” find the underlying conflict and communication becomes so much easier.

The post Communication Problems appeared first on Marlene Chism.

Let’s face it—conflict isn’t fun. But the way leaders manage (or mismanage) conflict determines whether it becomes a catalyst for growth or a breeding ground for dysfunction. Most mismanagement isn’t intentional—it’s a mix of conditioning, confusion, and capacity gaps.

Here are seven common ways leaders mishandle conflict and what to do instead.

 

Relying on coping mechanisms

When conflict surfaces, many leaders default to coping strategies rather than leadership strategies. These behaviors often include avoiding difficult conversations, appeasing others to keep the peace, or asserting control through aggression. While these tactics may provide short-term relief, they often create long-term dysfunction.

Avoiding: “Maybe if I wait, this will resolve itself.”Appeasing: “Let’s just do it their way so we can move on.”Aggression: “I’m going to shut this down before it gets out of hand.”

These patterns stem from a lack of skill, low emotional regulation, or a culture that rewards harmony over honesty.

Take Julie, a well-meaning department head who prided herself on being the “peacemaker.” When two team members clashed repeatedly, she bent over backward to accommodate both—reshuffling duties, extending deadlines, and sidestepping feedback. Eventually, the high performer quit, and morale tanked. Julie realized too late that her version of peacekeeping was actually conflict-avoidance with a smile.

“Avoiding conflict doesn’t preserve peace—it postpones progress.”

What to do instead:
Build your capacity to stay grounded in discomfort. Develop the emotional muscle to engage rather than escape. Conflict isn’t the problem—it’s how you handle it that defines your leadership.

 

Attachment to Identity

The three identities I talk about in From Conflict to Courage, include the Hands-Off Boss, the Heroic Fixer, or the Best Friend. These identities may be rooted in good intentions, but they often prevent honest conversations and fuel conflict through inaction or overreach.

The Hands-Off Boss avoids micromanagement—but also avoids accountability.The Heroic Fixer swoops in to solve problems, disempowering the team.The Best Friend avoids hard truths to preserve personal harmony.

Marcus, a regional director, prided himself on being “one of the guys.” He resisted giving critical feedback because he didn’t want to seem harsh. When team performance dipped, he blamed external factors—until a senior leader had to point out the pattern. The cost of being liked was losing leadership credibility.

“When your leadership identity becomes more important than the mission, you’ve stopped leading and started performing.”

What to do instead:
Lead from principles, not personas. Detach from ego. Effective leadership often requires you to be disliked in the short term to be respected in the long term.

Reorganizing Instead of Resolving

When conflict becomes uncomfortable, some leaders default to a quick structural fix—move people around, shift job titles, create a new reporting line. It gives the illusion of progress but often just rearranges the dysfunction.

Denise, a division VP, restructured her team three times in one year hoping the personality conflicts would disappear. Instead, resentment grew, productivity dipped, and new hires inherited old problems.

“Reorganizing is not a substitute for resolution. Structure won’t fix what conversation avoids.”

What to do instead:
Address the root issue before redesigning the org chart. Learn to differentiate between a structural problem and a leadership problem.

 

Hiring Coaches as a Conflict Facade

Executive coaching can be powerful—when it’s aligned with real accountability. But when coaching is used as a “check-the-box” solution, it becomes a performance theater rather than a developmental tool.

After months of tension, a leader told me, “We’ve done everything—we even hired a coach for them!” But when I asked about follow-up, feedback loops, or internal dialogue? Silence. The coaching had become a smokescreen to avoid tough internal conversations.

“Coaching without accountability is just expensive avoidance.”

What to do instead:
Use coaching strategically. Set measurable goals, provide feedback internally, and stay engaged in the process. Development isn’t something you outsource—it’s something you steward.

Allowing “Power of Attorney”

A subtle but destructive behavior in conflict-prone cultures is when leaders allow employees to speak on behalf of others. “They’re upset, but they don’t want to say anything,” becomes a normalized phrase. This dynamic creates triangulation, fuels drama, and keeps the real issues in the shadows.

One executive, trying to be helpful, often met privately with team members to “smooth things over.” But instead of resolution, it bred gossip and dependency. No one learned how to speak directly—and trust eroded.

“If people can’t speak for themselves, they’re not growing—and neither is your culture.”

What to do instead:
Refuse to play the middleman. Encourage direct communication. Coach your team to speak up, listen well, and stay in the room when it gets uncomfortable.

Failing to Link Behavior to Performance

Too often, leaders separate what gets done from how it gets done. As a result, high performers who behave poorly are excused, and low performers who are “nice” get a pass. The result? Confusion, resentment, and a culture of double standards.

A tech manager once told me, “Yes, he’s abrasive, but he’s brilliant.” My response? “Then he can be brilliantly abrasive somewhere else.”

“What you allow becomes your culture—and that includes behavior.”

What to do instead:
Make behavior part of performance. Define what good looks like—not just in numbers, but in how people lead, communicate, and collaborate. Hold everyone to the same standard.

 

Lacking Leadership Clarity

Conflict thrives in ambiguity. When roles, expectations, and decision rights are vague, people start guessing—and gossiping. Confusion fills the vacuum that clarity should have occupied.

At a healthcare system I worked with, managers were unsure who could approve time off, resolve complaints, or escalate concerns. The result? Delays, frustrations, and rising tension.

“If you’re unclear, don’t expect your team to be aligned.”

What to do instead:
Get radically clear. Define roles, articulate expectations, and establish what success looks like. The clearer you are, the more accountable your team can be.

 

Conclusion

Conflict doesn’t have to derail your leadership. In fact, it can deepen your influence, sharpen your clarity, and strengthen your culture. But only if you stop managing conflict from the sidelines and start engaging with skill, presence, and courage. We teach the skills you need in The Performance Coaching Model.

“Leadership clarity isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about creating the conditions where the right conversations can happen.”

The post 7 Ways Leaders Mismanage Conflict (and What to Do Instead) appeared first on Marlene Chism.