Roger Stark's Blog: Blog "They Called Him Marvin" by Roger Stark

I very much appreciate this chance to share some things with you. What I want to talk about is rather personal but it is something many of us, writers and non writers deal with. It sometimes cripples us and stops us from accomplishing what we wish to accomplish or even what we should accomplish.

The subject is Self Doubt.

I can’t think of a more challenging experience than taking you first chapter to a friend to read. The first chapter you have labored over, re written countless times and figuratively sweat blood over. I mean you know the weak spots, places you just couldn’t make up your mind which way to go, how to say it, A thousand questions roll around in your head, “Will they get that reference?” “Does the story flow or wander in places? “What the heck was I thinking when I took this project on?”

It is for sure gut check time.

I had my days of self doubt, thoughts of my foolishness to think I could complete such a project of creating TCHM. There were a few things that helped me get through all that.

One was fellow writers that I studied and practiced with. I developed so much trust in them that I felt like I could tell them my darkest secrets and it would be ok. They played such an important part in my success in completing my manuscript, I will be forever grateful to these writing comrades and count them as close friends.

Ann Lamott helped me outa bunch. I stumbled across an article she wrote about the practice of writing a shitty first draft (that was her word not mine.) I began writing with the expectation that nothing could be classified as shxxxx. She however suggested just getting it out of you, onto the page, almost to just regurgitate what ever was floating around in your head, take a look at it and re-write it. And then re-write it again and again. It was amazing to have such a permission that what came out for a first take did not need to be the final draft.

I occasionally rid my self of doubt by reading what I had written. This happened a number of times over the six years of writing involved in TCHM. On a manuscript of this size, it was not unusual for me to not see a section or chapter for months at a time. When I would open one of these sections it would amaze me how well I thought it was written. Often, I could not remember writing the section and it felt as I read it, that someone had stolen my computer and typed a section for me. Seeing the quality of these unremembered words really stroked my writing ego and helped me labor on.

The encouragement of family was a big part of my completing this project. The loving support of my wife and children was relentless and dependable. Whenever my tank felt empty, they could aways make things better.

Although he isn’t family, another source of inspiration and encouragement was LT Dean Harold Sherman the hero of my story. I am not sure I can explain nor do I fully understand the relationship we developed. He was as real to me as any of my alive friends. I felt him nudge me in the early hours and whisper an idea into my ears. Sometimes it was a sentence, sometimes a storyline, but on a regular basis he came and assisted in the work of writing. At first in my stupor of sleep I would think “Oh that is good, I write that in the morning.” But alas I could never remember the prompting. So, my routine became to get up when the inspirations came and take to my computer and record them.

I am not free of self doubt since I finished writing. It still torments me from time to time, but I have learned to not let it paralyze me.

I can not be more excited and happy to share this news! My new book doesn't release until Sept. 2021 titled, "They Called Him Marvin" and

I have garnished a new 5-star book review for (my baby) from Readers Favorite! I wanted to share the news so readers will learn more about the book and get ready to pre-order or ADD to your GR "want to read" list!

PRESS RELEASE - For immediate release:

Author's new book receives a warm literary welcome.

Readers' Favorite announces the review of the Non-Fiction - Historical book "They Called Him Marvin" by Roger Stark, currently available at http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0578....

Readers' Favorite is one of the largest book review and award contest sites on the Internet. They have earned the respect of renowned publishers like Random House, Simon & Schuster, and Harper Collins, and have received the "Best Websites for Authors" and "Honoring Excellence" awards from the Association of Independent Authors. They are also fully accredited by the BBB (A+ rating), which is a rarity among Book Review and Book Award Contest companies.

"Reviewed By K.C. Finn for Readers' Favorite

They Called Him Marvin is a work of non-fiction in the historical, biography, and family history sub-genres, and was penned by author Roger Stark. The work is intended for the general adult reading audience and contains some very mild references to adult themes and wartime life.

Told in prose with diary-style sections of narration as well as central figure 1st Lt Dean Harold Sherman’s own personal correspondence, this is a beautiful tale of enduring romance and the heroism of those who fought and flew during the latter part of World War Two during the United States’ conflict with Japan.
What results is a touching family saga that also foreshadows the great horrors and sacrifices of life in war.

Author Roger Stark has crafted an emotive work of non-fiction with plenty of historical richness, pathos, and heart to offer readers. One of the features which I found particularly impressive about this piece was the heartfelt presentation of the unshakeable bond between Dean and Connie, both through the curation of their own words to one another and the contextual gap-filling which Stark achieves with facts, but also emotionally sensitive additions and details.

When you juxtapose this against the bare brutality of war, the incredible innovations of flight, and the dangerous politics at play, what forms is a special capturing of this moment in time, and what it meant for real people trying to raise families and find love. Overall, I would highly recommend They Called Him Marvin to fans of accurate wartime non-fiction accounts and for enthusiasts of World War Two first-hand reports everywhere."

You can learn more about Roger Stark and "They Called Him Marvin" at https://readersfavorite.com/book-revi... where you can read reviews and the author’s biography, as well as connect with the author directly or through their website and social media pages.

Readers' Favorite LLC
Media Relations
Louisville, KY 40202

In his best seller memoir, "Night of the Gun," David Carr likens addiction to a band of pirates that approach, overtake, and common-deer our ship of life. After the capture, we find our true self is put in chains, tortured, or, learn that the pirates require our very lives.

Carr suggests we defend ourselves. "When the inner pirate in your subcortex is seeking permission to come aboard, consider that if you get through that day (without letting them board) there may be many others. Trust God, not the pirate."

Pirates have achieved a renewed, mischievous sort of respect in our culture. On Halloween we costume ourselves in their gear, and who does not enjoy the “Talk like a Pirate” days? Arrgh!

But the Addiction Pirates, we must not befriend. The danger is too great. The cost too high.

Defending against them is not easy. Awareness is a good place to start. The sooner we can recognize the pirates in the distance the more defense options we have. Our greatest power is when they are still just a dot on our horizon, when they are alongside, they are a formidable foe and we are not in a position of strength.

We should have a weapons cache devoted to defending against the pirates. These weapons crafted from Recovery Skills are the core of our defenses. We must practice and become expert in their use. After all, the pirates are ruthless and completely unconcerned about our well being.

Pirates don’t care about the hurt or loss of families, the loss of faith or jobs, the annihilation of self respect or even our position in the community. All are of no consequence to pirates. Yet, all may be required of us. Life itself, our very existence is too often, in the hands of the pirates.

Don’t let them onboard!
www.waterfallconcept.org

“Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never give up!” is the complete text of a speech that Winston Churchill once delivered to students of his childhood boarding school. Never to the 8th power is profound counsel. However, when faced with the realities and struggles that a son’s battle with addiction brings into a family, that advice is not always easy to heed — but it is necessary!

A parent's story about a son's addiction

Sam and Aleatha’s son began to use and abuse drugs when he was only 11 years old. Still, he was very good at it. Happy to use “whatever he could get his hands on,” he would eventually become known as a heroin addict and dealer.

It is difficult to understand the implications that a child's addiction would have on a family unless you have been there. Start with thinking that your son was dying from an overdose, and it wasn’t the first time. Or maybe middle-of-the-night visits from the police looking for your son. Your son’s friends dying from an overdose or the lucky ones that only got sent to prison. And of course the unending lying, defiance and just plain chaos. He gave his parents no reason to believe that his story would have a happy ending.

When the situation looks bleak, hold on to hope

But Sam and Aleatha took Churchill’s advice and never gave up. They certainly had times of utter frustration and fear and times of not knowing what the future held. But they held onto one key commodity, the one thing that can save a son that really isn’t interested in being saved — they held onto hope.

Aleatha remembers those times, “I was told repeatedly that he would very likely end up dead or in prison. That was not easy to hear about my son. Many of his friends had died during those years and even now others remain in prison. These scenarios were not used as a scare tactic but a reality that I had seen with my own eyes.”

She continues, “Still, I could not release my powerful feelings of hope. I shared those feelings of hope with my son even in the darkest times. It puzzled and sometimes enraged him, but somewhere deep within him I think he counted on my hope when he had lost his own.There is power in hope.”

Anne Lamott, a well-known novelist and non-fiction writer, suggests, “Hope begins in the dark, stubborn hope that if you just show up, and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work. You don’t give up.”

Hope is a product of the equation: faith + humility. The faith needed may only manifest in the beginning as a desire. In Sam and Aleatha's case, the desire for a good outcome for a lost son. When that desire is nurtured, when the embers are fanned, it comes to life in the flame of faith. When the sum of faith and humility is sufficient, it reaches a type of spiritual critical mass and hope is fostered and grows. A willing heart emerges and generates the ability to do what needs to be done without the benefit of knowing the outcome.

Hope often brings success and happiness

Fast forward to a recent statement by Sam and Aleatha's son, Connor: “Words cannot describe my peace. I look back two years ago and compare it to now. I have changed mentally, physically and spiritually. I love where I am today. I love who I am today. I am grateful for the people I love and that love me back. I wish I could take back the pain I’ve caused. I wish I could have those that have passed on here with me now. I know though that I can make them proud. I can make pain easier with change and growth. I Love my life. I am happy. I have love. I am learning. I have peace.”

The notion that Connor could make such a statement was unthinkable just a few years ago.

Others can benefit from your experiences

Connor now works in a wilderness therapy program and recently had an interaction with a young man that might best be described as his clone. A lost young man struggling to accept the therapeutic process and the help of others. Determined to leave the program, Connor was assigned to “walk him out” of the wilderness. Some who had tried to work with the client had exhausted their techniques. Hope for his recovery was gone.

But in that three-day march, a miracle occured. The client could hear the message that Connor bore, “You need help, and you are walking away from it.” The client chose to return to the program.

Upon hearing this story, Aleatha responded, “What a gift as a mother to listen to my son’s voice share this experience about someone who almost gave up hope himself and who others' hope for him was hanging by a thread. I marveled that my own son was once the 'client' that some had given up hope on.”

There is no shame in asking for help

Yes, as Aleatha testifies, “There is a power in hope.” But we can only benefit from that power when we allow hope to well up and live in our hearts. Also, as a parent of an addict, don't try to forge through the process of recovery alone. There is no shame in asking for help. There is strength in numbers, seek out the assistance of everyone you can, including professional counselors, friends, family and ecclesiastical leaders. Fan the embers of your desire for a positive outcome, access your humility and allow the spiritual critical mass to be achieved for hope to emerge.

Charles Dickens has already used the phrase, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” but what an apt description of the childhood that includes a pedophile.

The beginning of life should be filled with play, love, nurturing, growing and the blind happiness of childhood. It should be our “best of times,” the time when we build the repertory of memories that make us smile for a lifetime.

The reality of the intrusion of a sexual abuser instead creates “the worst of times.”

The numbers are a bit staggering: One in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused in their childhood years. But we seldom can bring ourselves to talk much about it. Maybe it is just too heinous, unthinkable, unless you are the pedophile. When knowledge of someone’s abuse is forced on us we shake our heads and mumble, “How awful,” and hope the conversation turns to more hopeful topics. The reality is, we all know at least four women and six men, and Las Vegas would be willing to bet you that one of each group has been molested. We don’t know what to say about it, and the victims don’t know what to do about it.

It took me almost 40 years to speak of it to another human being. I went on my merry way thinking, “Bad things happen to everyone, I am all right.” The reality was, I was very broken, struggling through an adulthood I was ill prepared for.

I feel I was much like that soldier in beginning of the movie “Saving Private Ryan.” Landing at Normandy, he is shown racing to get up the beach. A mortar round explodes, and our first expectation is that he has been killed. But he comes out of the explosion’s smoke still trying to get up the beach. The only problem: He is missing an arm. He pauses to find his extremity, puts it under his other arm, grabs his rifle and continues his mission. He continues to try to live and fight and do his job. However, his realities are now very changed; he will struggle to shoot his rifle and must tie his shoes with one hand. Life will never be the same, and many of life’s simple chores will be very difficult.

Survivors come out of the smoke of abuse with similar challenges — deficiencies, really, like the soldier: Some things are missing that are very helpful in living our lives.

As Tian Dayton, Ph.D., puts it, this kind of trauma “changes a person’s personality.” Anxiety and depression become part of our experience and often a learned helplessness: “Nothing I can do will change anything.” Often, emotions constrict; we feel shut down or we struggle with structure and lose the ability to “make sense of things.” We choose the “wrong people” for relationships or get lost in cycles of reenactment (an abused daughter marries and abusive husband), trying to make sense of things.

Our world can become black and white, and we struggle with emotional shading and suffer wide mood swings. Our thinking becomes distorted, we adopt many thinking errors, and often fall into hopelessness and certainly lose the ability trust along the way. We may become hyper-vigilant and put up such an emotional wall that those who would help us can’t get through. Feelings all run together and we struggle to recognize what we are feeling, or are aware of just a general numbness where our heart should be. We struggle to feel alive and often participate in high-risk behaviors to compensate. We struggle with dissociation and being “present.” Often we deny that anything really bad happened and use repression to keep the hurt at bay. Self medication seems like a good idea, and many fall into addictive practices.

Marilyn van Derbur, 1958′s Miss America, tells the story of her recovery from her father’s sexual violations in her book, “Miss America by Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love.” She provides some unique insights into the dilemma, writing, “Most people have no understanding of how complex the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse can be — especially if the violator was a family member, priest, coach … trusted friend. These pedophiles weave their way into our lives. Most are charming, talented, respected family and community members. They are not the bearded, stubble-faced Charles Mansons. They don’t make us hate them, they make us hate ourselves. We don’t want them in prison. We live a lifetime in a kind of prison difficult to describe.”

The good news is, we can outgrow our deficiencies and find healing. Over the last 25 years, survivors, trained professionals and spiritual leaders have created an incredible body of recovery understanding that can guide us as we transform our lives and find healing.

For me, my first great milestone of healing was accepting that what happened was not my fault. “Of course not!” you might react, but it is not that simple for the child victim. Childlike logic follows this course: “We did something very bad. Adults don’t do bad things, so therefore, this must be my fault.” Shame immediately becomes our companion, hence van Derber’s comment, “They don’t make us hate them, they make us hate ourselves.” Letting go of that shame was like taking a 20-pound rock out of my backpack. My burden was much lighter, and it marked the real beginning of my recovery or healing journey.

There have been many more weights lifted from me as I moved through the process we call recovery — too many to share in this forum. But the message is that healing is available. We do not need to suffer from our deficiencies that the abuse created. We can outgrow them.

For me there has been a surprising outcome: The joy of life is particularly sweet to me. It was hidden from me for so many years. Even though I have come to healing as I near the end of my sojourn, I am greatly comforted by and appreciate the peace, calmness and happiness that is opening before me. I do not feel cheated, only blessed to understand how wonderful life can be — A unique understanding that only comes from surviving. (See more of Roger's blogs and explore his recovery website at http:www.waterfallcocnept.org)

Nobody likes a bully. Our collective awareness of the dangers and harm of bullying are rising. Teachers and administrators are searching for solutions, state lawmakers are crafting bills to protect victims, yet one of the worst bullies is getting off scot-free. He has his way with his victim, wreaking emotional havoc, and meets little or no resistance. You have may have witnessed this bullying and done nothing to stop it.

Who is the bully? You. The victim? Yourself.

Self-bullying is only beginning to be recognized as an emotional danger, but a growing number of researchers are establishing the connection between abusive self-talk and emotional pain.

One of the fascinating characteristics about bullying, according to educators and authors Katherine Liepe-Levinson and Martin Levinson, is that “despite the large number of individuals that do not agree with bullying practices, there are very few that will intervene on behalf of the victims.” Bullying witnesses that do not intervene are called bystanders. The researchers continue, “If the bully faces no obstruction from the bystanders, it gives permission to continue behaving badly.”

Consider the bully within. He or she, most often, encounters no resistance. The bad behavior is not challenged by restraining voices. We act as our own silent bystanders and, worse, our shame and self-hatred may offer confirming testimony and encouragement.

Dan Olweus, a Norwegian researcher, gives this commonly accepted definition for bullying: “A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself.”

It is important to realize that the inner self cannot detect the source of the bullying; whether it be self-inflicted or not, it only suffers.

Self-bullies engage in the same emotional attacks as normal bullies. Self-bullies denigrate (“You idiot!”), criticize (“You never do anything right!”), use name calling (“You stupid…”) and threaten (“The world would be better off without you!”). Self-bullies are especially good at mocking (“Oh, that was nice!”) and, because they know their own history, self-bullies have all kinds of historic references that can remind of past failures, guilt and shame.

Few would allow others to speak to a friend the way so many speak to themselves. It is easily recognized as hurtful, demeaning and just plain wrong. Fewer would use their inner-talk catch phrases in dialogue with a friend or loved one. People just don’t go around telling those they love, “You are an idiot!” — but they might repeat that to themselves 20 times a day. We give ourselves a pass, and are blind to our own self-abuse.

Bullying victims often feel isolated and unsafe. When the social system, persons of responsibility and bystanders do not come to their aid, they can feel abandoned. By withholding self-affection and love, self-bullies can put themselves into a social isolation similar to what other bullying victims experience. Statements like, “I am not worthy” and “I don’t deserve anything good” prepare one for social self-exclusion.

Mona Moore of the Anti-Bullying Centre has written, “There is a growing body of research which indicates that individuals, whether child or adult, who are persistently subjected to abusive behavior are at risk of stress related illnesses which can sometimes lead to suicide.” This remains true even when that abusive behavior is self-inflicted.

Psychology researchers and authors Kipling D. Williams, Joseph P. Forgas and William von Hippel found, “Those who have been the targets of bullying can suffer from long-term emotional and behavioral problems. Bullying can cause loneliness depression, anxiety, lead to low self-esteem and increased susceptibility to illness.”

Ben Leichtling on his “Bullies be Gone” blog discusses the part that perfectionism plays for some: “Self-bullying perfectionism can suck the joy out of success and ruin our lives. It’s one of the worst forms of negative self-talk.”

“We know that harassing, abusive, inner voice that focuses only on what we didn’t do perfectly, … has the most horrible, bullying tone when it picks on our emotions, spirit and flesh,” continued Leichtling. “It guarantees inner emptiness, pain and self-loathing.”

Some foolishly believe they are helping motivate themselves to higher action by their attacks. Unfortunately, the harvest is more guilt and shame, not excellence of performance.

Leichtling suggests we learn to create an inner coach that can stand up to and dispute our bully: “Choose the future we want to create and to pursue it with determination, courage, perseverance and grit. When we accomplish this, our paths open up. Our internal self-talk stops being negative and becomes encouraging and strengthening. We develop realistic goals and expectations. We motivate ourselves by desire for the future we want instead of by avoiding the pain of old wounds lacerated.”

When we stop being a bystander and stand up to our bully, good things happen. Like all bullies the self-bully is not very brave and backs down when faced with courage. When our bully leaves us alone, we find a new emotional strength. Peace and confidence can return to our lives and we can begin to express our gifts. (http://www.waterfallconcept.org)

The great American psychologist Albert Ellis once said, “Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it is conditional.” Indeed, the finding of a healthy self-esteem is the greatest mental health challenge many face in their lifetime.

Individual worth (and the self-esteem that is harvested from it) is not situational and should not be established by comparison, evaluation or an individual’s last great or terrible accomplishment. Those are the conditional elements Ellis was referring to. They are often not within an individual’s control.

“Life happens” as the street therapist would say. Russel Seigenberg, Ph.D., of Logan, Utah, suggests, “The ideal state is to have a sense of self-worth based upon the universal worth of mankind, an appreciation of our own strengths and progress and acceptance of our earnest efforts to walk a good walk in life.” (http://www.waterfallconcept.org)

W. Tim Gallwey authored “The Inner Game of Tennis” outlining just how players could get their mental and emotional selves out of the way, freeing the player within to compete at the highest possible level.

He used the following metaphor: “When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice that it is small, but do not criticize it as ‘rootless and stemless.’ We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don’t condemn it as immature and underdeveloped; nor do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly right as it is.”

Gallwey wanted his clients to learn that in the big picture, their flaws did not define them or represent failure. He also wanted them to celebrate (and use and focus on) their strengths.

He observed in his years of coaching that physical talent levels often did not dictate winning results on the court. He would say to his players, “Learn to trust yourself on the court,” “Find the state of ‘relaxed concentration’ that allows you to play at your best” and “Focus your mind to overcome nervousness and self-doubt.” His directions are not only valuable for tennis players, they are great life skills.

In the rose metaphor, Gallwey takes the long-term, big-picture view, as does Seigenberg. He suggests human beings have value simply because they are human beings, whatever the stage of development. He describes it as “the universal worth of mankind.”

In the world of living things, humans are the pre-eminent species, combined with individual “strengths and progress,” each soul has unique value and ability to contribute to making his or her part of the world a better place. Their contribution would be missed if they were not there. If one chooses to earnestly make an effort to walk a good walk in life, individual worth is greatly enhanced. There is much to appreciate, celebrate and admire.

Even when the individual struggles, self-worth need not be diminished. An individual’s worth remains constant. Mistakes and failures are part of being human, (the stages where the human seedling is not particularly beautiful) and often provide the greatest learning experiences. These are the moments of potential growth and nurturing.

Painful as they can be, they serve to move the individual along the path of maturation. A child should not be shamed by his or her mistakes, they are often just benchmarks of growing up. So it is for adults. Remember the rose. It is not very handsome as a scraggily root. But it is exactly as it should be.

This story of a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years can give addicts insight into the requirements of healing. Her struggle sounds very similar to the progressive disease of addiction. She had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and nothing bettered, but rather grew worse. When she heard of Jesus, she traveled to where he was and fought through the press to touch His garment. She said, If I may touch but His clothes, I shall be whole. And we know that she was.

Like this woman, addicts have long suffered. They have tried many solutions and have expended great effort, but are unable to find relief. Things grow worse, because it is a progressive disease. They might follow this woman’s example. Find where the Savior is and travel there no matter how far or difficult the journey. Under the rules of the Law of Moses, this woman’s life and movements were greatly restricted.

In spite of her challenges, she was willing to do whatever it took to find Him. She perhaps searched for Him, He may not have been nearby. Most certainly, with great difficulty, she traveled to where He was. And when she did find Him she fought through the crowd or press to be next to Him. Don’t we often find true closeness with the Savior the most difficult part of the journey? There are so many spiritual distractions to fight through in our daily lives to stand next to Him. Yet, that is the place of healing.

If we can find Him, if we can fight through the press, and be close enough to touch His garment, then He may say of us, Thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.

The big Book of AA makes that promise saying: If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us–sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. (The Big Book)

See Roger's other blogs at www.waterfallconcept.org

Forty-three years ago, a child molester had his way with me. He was a trusted family friend, someone my family met at church, where he served as the leader of the youth program. One of the legacies of his attentions has been the occasional visit of a dark melancholy of sadness and a flood of tears. Last week, I cried again.

The Penn State University sex-abuse scandal has unfolded before the nation's eyes. A former football defensive coordinator and champion of disadvantaged youths, Jerry Sandusky, has been arrested and is facing numerous charges, including seven counts of involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, aggravated indecent assault, corruption of minors and endangering the welfare of a child. He is freed on $100,000 unsecured bail.

According to released grand jury proceedings, Sandusky was observed by janitor Jim Calhoun at the Lasch Football Building on the Penn State campus preforming oral sex on a young boy in 2000. Calhoun reported the incident to his superiors. Sandusky reportedly also was observed by a graduate assistant coach, Mike McQueary, sodomizing a 10-year-old boy in the Penn State showers in 2002. McQueary reported the incident to Joe Paterno, who informed Athletic Director Tim Curley. Grand jury transcripts allege inappropriate contact with eight boys over 15 years.

While Sandusky reportedly was rebuked after the 2002 incident and told to not bring boys on campus, it did not seem to diminish the behaviors. In 2006 or 2007, the grand jury report says Sandusky befriended a boy while volunteering as a wrestling coach at a local high school, taking him to Penn State games and giving him gifts, including golf clubs, a computer, cash and clothes. The grand jury report indicates Sandusky allegedly performed oral sex on the boy more than 20 times, and the boy performed oral sex on him once.

While Sandusky retired as Penn State's defensive coordinator in 1999, when he learned he would not be succeeding Paterno, his retirement privileges provided an office, parking and Penn State athletic facilities access. He reportedly used the access to Penn State football games, workouts, facilities, team meetings, bowl games, players and coaches as rewards and incentives to enhance his relationship with boys. He also allegedly used the facilities to commit some of the crimes he has been charged with.

Fallout from Penn State's handling of the situation has cost university President Graham Spanier and legendary football coach Paterno their positions at the school. Senior Vice President for Finance and Business Gary Schultz has retired and Curley, the athletic director, has asked to go on administrative leave. Both have also been indicted by the grand jury, each charged with one count of felony perjury and one count of failure to report abuse allegations.

Sandusky allegedly used The Second Mile Foundation that he founded in 1977 to serve at risk youths as a conduit to potential victims. The foundation has grown into a statewide organization that touches the lives of thousands of youths each year and has a board of governors that sounds like a Pennsylvania “Who’s Who.”

Out of the devastation of the disgracing of Penn State can arise a national blessing if we will allow it. Let us collectively learn as much as we can from this sad event so that going forward we can protect our youths from the sexual-predators of the world. Here are some things we should be learning:

Worry about the victims first. On Nov. 10, thousands of Penn State University students took to the streets to protest the firing of their beloved football coach. In their anger, the protesters overturned a television van and police in riot gear resorted to pepper spray to disperse the demonstrators.

The message to victims? “The people who are supposed to protect you don’t.” And, “It is okay to sexually abuse kids.” In effect, these children, now adults, were victimized again by the demonstrators.

Paterno’s own words should give us direction, “I wish I had done more.” We must all do more.

Organizations often feel the need to protect themselves above the need to protect and help victims. “Everyone is angry at Penn State, but it could happen again and we all need to understand that organizations are living organisms — the first priority is survival,” said Anna Salter, a Wisconsin-based psychologist who has worked with sex offenders and victims for 30 years.

“People underestimate the pull to save an organization, and we have to send a powerful message that, yes, there is the desire to protect the organization, but you have an allegiance to the larger society and to children not to yield to that pull.”

Abusers always explain, “We were just horsin’ around.” “I enjoy young people,” Sandusky told Bob Costas in an NBC interview. “I love being around them.”

Sandusky described the events that sparked his charges as “just horsin’ around.”

The morning after Costas’ interview, radio sports talk show hosts were dumbfounded. Dan Patrick of "The Dan Patrick Show" kept repeating, “He doesn’t get it! He doesn’t see that showering with these kids is inappropriate behavior.”

Sexual predators have their own way of thinking. They know on some level they are outside of the bounds of behavior that our society demands. But they construct elaborate justifications that allow their acting out. It is their form of denial. It bends reality to fit their behaviors.

“They call themselves child lovers,” said Ken Lanning, a former FBI special agent for 30 years and now a consultant in the area of crimes against children. "They nurture these kids, so when someone asks, ‘Did you molest this child?’ they say, ‘I would never molest or hurt a child.’

“In their mind, it’s not molesting, it’s love,” he said.

Learn to recognize predator behavior. “Child-lover molesters almost never use violence for sex,” Lanning said. “Instead, they groom and seduce and manipulate and use cooperation to get what they want out of the child.

“This type of predator hones in on children who are particularly vulnerable, then gives them whatever it is they feel they’re missing," he said. "Poor? The predator will shower the child with gifts and money. No dad? The child molester looks to fill that void by acting as a fatherly figure.

“I can’t tell you how many cases where there are letters from the victim written to the accused, saying, ‘You’re the nicest person I ever met,’ or ‘You’ve been so good to me,’ ” said Lanning.

Many victims don’t tell anyone of the inappropriate behavior because they are considered “compliant child victims.”

“A child can’t legally consent to having sex, but some of them aren’t necessarily fighting him off,” said Lanning. “They’re developmentally immature, and later they feel ashamed and embarrassed that they cooperated in their victimization.

“At any one time, these types of child molesters have four different areas of focus going on at once,” he said.

“They operate in a pipeline,” said Lanning. “They always have their eye out for new victims and new kids to go in the pipeline; then they go into full seduction mode.

“They’re grooming the kids, and usually the parents, too, by showering the kids with gifts and attention. Then at some point, they’re having full sexual activity with the child; then later, maybe a year or two after this goes on, the kid gets too old and the predator is not interested anymore. He’ s trying to move him out — pushing him out the other end of the pipeline.”

Take a stand, not on my watch! Each of us has an interest in protecting our children.

“You must act conservatively when it comes to the health and safety of children,” warns Salter. “If you’re wrong, you’re wrong. If you’re right, you’ve really saved the kid from severe trauma. If parents feel suspicious, they should not feel like they need hard proof to remove a child from the situation.”

Lanning puts it this way, “I often tell parents, if any adult wants to be around your kids more than you do, beware, and beware of anything that seems to be too good to be true.”

I too, was a “compliant victim” and suffered for many years not understanding why I did not speak up against my abuser and stop him from hurting others. I could have saved those that followed me. How very much I regret that.

Those adults and school administrators that did not stop the sexual abuse at Penn State also allowed other victims to be created. They failed to protect our children. Let us all commit to not following their example. Let us be vigilant, let us protect the innocents.

In the process of recovering from addiction, Roger Stark became a licensed addiction counselor and wrote the LDS recovery guide, “The Waterfall Concept, a Blueprint for Addiction Recovery.” He blogs at his recovery website, www.waterfallconcep