I very much appreciate this chance to share some things with you. What I want to talk about is rather personal but it is something many of us, writers and non writers deal with. It sometimes cripples us and stops us from accomplishing what we wish to accomplish or even what we should accomplish.

The subject is Self Doubt.

I can’t think of a more challenging experience than taking you first chapter to a friend to read. The first chapter you have labored over, re written countless times and figuratively sweat blood over. I mean you know the weak spots, places you just couldn’t make up your mind which way to go, how to say it, A thousand questions roll around in your head, “Will they get that reference?” “Does the story flow or wander in places? “What the heck was I thinking when I took this project on?”

It is for sure gut check time.

I had my days of self doubt, thoughts of my foolishness to think I could complete such a project of creating TCHM. There were a few things that helped me get through all that.

One was fellow writers that I studied and practiced with. I developed so much trust in them that I felt like I could tell them my darkest secrets and it would be ok. They played such an important part in my success in completing my manuscript, I will be forever grateful to these writing comrades and count them as close friends.

Ann Lamott helped me outa bunch. I stumbled across an article she wrote about the practice of writing a shitty first draft (that was her word not mine.) I began writing with the expectation that nothing could be classified as shxxxx. She however suggested just getting it out of you, onto the page, almost to just regurgitate what ever was floating around in your head, take a look at it and re-write it. And then re-write it again and again. It was amazing to have such a permission that what came out for a first take did not need to be the final draft.

I occasionally rid my self of doubt by reading what I had written. This happened a number of times over the six years of writing involved in TCHM. On a manuscript of this size, it was not unusual for me to not see a section or chapter for months at a time. When I would open one of these sections it would amaze me how well I thought it was written. Often, I could not remember writing the section and it felt as I read it, that someone had stolen my computer and typed a section for me. Seeing the quality of these unremembered words really stroked my writing ego and helped me labor on.

The encouragement of family was a big part of my completing this project. The loving support of my wife and children was relentless and dependable. Whenever my tank felt empty, they could aways make things better.

Although he isn’t family, another source of inspiration and encouragement was LT Dean Harold Sherman the hero of my story. I am not sure I can explain nor do I fully understand the relationship we developed. He was as real to me as any of my alive friends. I felt him nudge me in the early hours and whisper an idea into my ears. Sometimes it was a sentence, sometimes a storyline, but on a regular basis he came and assisted in the work of writing. At first in my stupor of sleep I would think “Oh that is good, I write that in the morning.” But alas I could never remember the prompting. So, my routine became to get up when the inspirations came and take to my computer and record them.

I am not free of self doubt since I finished writing. It still torments me from time to time, but I have learned to not let it paralyze me.