Isha Agrawal's Blog

SEVERAL MONTHS LATER…

All this time, I thought I had time–time to build a career, time to fix the mess I was, time to wait for him, and time to do everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. I’d left home to achieve my dreams, and in a way, the false security of having my own place had fooled me into thinking I’d have forever to do everything without my parents objecting to it.

Now, I’m in my late twenties, and it’s eye-opening to know how delusional I have been. Time doesn’t wait for anybody, surely not for somebody like me. So while I was still working on myself and my goals, time worked on passing by and despite how much I detest it, I’ve turned of age where I can no longer ignore marriage– something I’d tried to avoid for so long. I’d told my parents I’d get married after turning twenty-five, and they had ensured I made good on the promise.

In a way, I never expected the guy, aka my future husband, to find me so soon. But fate does have a funny way of surprising us. And, mostly, I never thought I’d make it till twenty-five. No, I’m not depressed or suicidal, but being a woman in this world meant you never knew how long you had. For some, even making it till one was a huge blessing. So yeah, I wasn’t too hopeful.

The strangers standing in front of me turned into family in the past two years, and the family I’d grown up with started to feel a lot like they had never been mine. In my ears, I hear the loud tick-tock sound of the clock as it strikes twelve, signalling the end of my waiting period.

It’s a cold Monday night, and I still have so many things left unchecked on my list, but here I am, getting engaged to a guy who’s not straight from my dreams, but even better, he’s a dream himself.

My waiting period is over. My period of loving others has ended. Now, it’s my time to be loved by my fiancé. He’s a nice guy, and I’ve always liked nice, gentle, kind guys. They are stable and safe, someone I could rely on.

At the age of fourteen, falling for Sagar seemed out of control. At the age of sixteen, leaving him was the hardest thing I could do, which was in my control. At the age of nineteen, not finding his face in my college classrooms sucked more than I could ever describe in words.

At the age of twenty-two, not hearing the sound of his voice and claps when my debut novel went live hurt so bad I couldn’t enjoy the positive reviews and love coming my way. At the age of twenty-four, meeting another guy when my heart still belonged to my first love was the dumbest thing I could ever imagine. At twenty-seven, getting engaged to the same guy is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

“What are you thinking?” Naman asks, tilting his face to meet mine in the dark.

Everyone is busy in their own little conversations. Our engagement party just ended. As soon as it was done, I found a chair to relax after standing up for hours straight.

“Is the ring bothering you? Is it different from what you’d have chosen?” He asks, worried that he might have made the wrong decision.

“I’m just wondering…” I trail off, noticing him looking smoking hot in his beige embroidered kurta, the buttons undone, exposing his chest.

He looks at me, waiting for me to share what’s bothering me so he can fix it immediately. I’ve known him for years now, but I can hardly pick out ten seconds of us where it felt forced or wrong. My first true love will always carry a piece of my heart with him; he’ll always know I loved him, but I can’t say the same. He never loved me. Despite the number of years we had together.

Naman, on the other hand, loves me and makes sure I never go without hearing it. He told me he loved me and wanted a future with me within six months, while I kept wasting years over a guy who couldn’t even decide if he liked me.

“I’m wondering if you’ll take me home or if I’m going to freeze here.” I tease him.

“I can’t take you home, but how about we make a quick trip to your room?” He winks, lifting me off the chair I was sitting on in one smooth go.

“What are you doing?” I screech.

My gown is heavier than me. We haven’t eaten anything in hours. There are relatives sprawled around in the hotel backyard. This is so not the time for him to be doing this.

“My fiancée is tired and freezing.” He says, stepping out of the garden, making sure we don’t hit anybody. “I’m only doing what any sane fiancé will do.”

“You’re so cringe.” I laugh, hiding my face in his chest.

“Oh, come on, I know you well enough by now to know you like it, Miss I-don’t-like-romance-but-I-read-and-write-it-like-my-life-depends-on-it.”

I smile, hitting his arm playfully as we enter the hotel, which is thankfully warm.

“You can put me down now, we’ll take the elevator.” I offer.

“No, you’re staying in my arms until we find our bed.” He leans forward, planting a peck on my lips.

“Ohh, that sounds–

“Like your fantasy? Better than your books?”

“Dangerous and risky.” I glare at him. “What if someone calls for us and we are both missing together?”

“Don’t worry, my sister is already on it,” he smirks.

We enter the elevator, then make our way to our room on the third floor, and he holds me close as he promised until we reach our bed. He puts me on the soft mattress and walks back to close the door.

Back then, when I was a kid, I didn’t know what it meant when I said those words to Sagar and confessed my feelings. It was more heartbreak, more weight than my heart could handle. I wish I had known that then. Maybe I’d have done something differently. I wanted to keep him in my life so badly that I didn’t even realise I was only pushing him away, pushing us to our breaking points. And so when it broke, when we broke, it wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t poetic. It was plain damage, an ugly sight of wreckage that could’ve been avoided. It was just another soundless heartbreak. I didn’t know it then.

But I do know now.

I know better.

It took Naman six months to say he loved me, and it’s taken me this long. I didn’t want to regret it, but I don’t think I can go any longer without him knowing it.

When he returns after closing the door, I whisper the words into our kiss, not because it’s the right thing to do or I should say it, but because I can’t stop them from pouring.

“I loved you since the minute I heard of you.” He says, breaking the kiss and staring passionately into my eyes from the floor. “Thank you for saying the words to me, thank you for loving me back.”

From today, my ring finger belongs to the man kneeling on his knees in front of me, and so does my heart. From today, I’m someone else’s and I can’t cry for the one who couldn’t stay anymore. From this moment until my last dying breath, I’ll never let the man in front of me doubt my love.

My heart belonged to Sagar once, but I’ll try my hardest to make more space for my fiancé, which isn’t that hard, seeing that he makes loving him easy. Who knows, maybe one day, Sagar’s space will be eradicated from its roots, replaced by the roots of my newfound love and compassion.

“I’ll do everything to make this work,” I whisper as he kisses my forehead. “I promise.”

I’m writing a book that’s about friends so of course I had to talk about my fair share of friends-to-lovers books that I’ve read, loved, and want to read as soon as possible.

I usually prefer enemies-to-lovers, something to do with a guy seeing the worst parts of me and still staying, just because he doesn’t find it ugly will do it for me every time. But friends-to-lovers work their magic on me too, for obvious reasons [a] I never got my HEA with my friend and [b] the angst between two friends who don’t think of each other as just friends is another level of torture.

My book featuring first love and young best friends is coming soon [more updates about that on my ig] but in the meantime, please read these books if you haven’t already.

[note:- I love adding books to my TBR so if you have got any recommendations for me, don’t forget to comment it!]

Read and Liked:

People We Meet On Vacation – I think if I count all the times I reread certain annotated parts along with reading it from the beginning to end, the total count will be more than what’s normal. I have two copies which I read as soon as I got them at different points. I first this book on my phone during the rise of EmHen works, so including those three times, I’ve read this maybe five or seven times? I can’t be sure. This book used to be my top friends to lovers. I have cried with it. I felt seen in it. It’s just THE book you think of when you hear the phrase friends-to-lovers.

“Sometimes it feels like I didn’t even exist before that. Like you invented me.”

– People We Meet On Vacation, Emily Henry

PWMOV follows Poppy and Alex who have stopped talking because something happened between them. They used to go on vacations together until they stopped. Now, they are reconnecting on a vacation which is …well not going in a way either could’ve imagined. Things happen, they talk through it and at last of course they get to live their HEA.

A few things I like about this novel – the friendship, usually we believe to be considered best friends you must spend every minute of your life together, but that’s not the case with these two. They have mostly spent their vacations together and still consider each other their best friends. Next, I like the confession scene which for some reason always tears me up. And lastly, it’s second chance romance so they finally get over their misunderstandings leading up to their happy ending which is again something I really wanted in real life but never got.

“Why can’t everyone be like you?”

“I can be enough of your world that it feels like everyone is.”

– Love and Other Words, Christina Lauren

Love And Other Words – I reread this book a few months ago for research purposes and although I still remembered the “plot twist” or the revelation part, it still gutted me as hard as it had the first time. There’s nothing romantic or comedy or light hearted about two friends falling out of touch as it is, and add to that the reason these two characters haven’t talked in years? The authors were really coming for our hearts with this one. This novel follows Macy and Elliot’s journey of being friends as kids to more to nothing at all to reconnecting years later. It’s a really well written book that never fails to make you cry and think how life is unfair and uncertain. If you need some tear-jerker friendship story, pick this one.

Normal People – I think I could be remembering wrong but I’ve read this book thrice – once when it was getting popular [didn’t like it, or even enjoyed it for that matter], second time I had it on my phone but I don’t remember if I ever read it fully, and the third time was recently and I liked it a lot. Having lived a good part of my life being the “introvert” and not one of those “cool girls” to becoming a “fun” person, I related to both the characters so much. Their story feels like a comfort blanket, that’s the only way I can describe this. Connell and Marianne go to the same school and they become friends, despite coming from different backgrounds. I want to say more here about these characters but I feel like it’d be giving away too much of the story and I’m certain many people still haven’t read it so I’ll shut up.

Before We Were Strangers – a book that had me crying my eyes out at eleven p.m. and I couldn’t stop, especially during those last few chapters. This book follows two students who meet in NYU dorm and become friends until of course something happens and they grow apart. From the way their friendship blooms to the way they reconnect, it was so real because life isn’t like the fictional stories we read. We all make mistakes, we do things we wouldn’t have done otherwise, and most often than not, if we never get the second chance, they wouldn’t know our side of the story.

“I loved you so much it sometimes burned in my chest.”

– Maybe In Another Life, Taylor Jenkins Reid

Maybe In Another Life – Taylor Jenkins Reid isn’t just a normal, regular famous writer for me. She’s one of the best storytellers who aren’t a fantasy writer in this era. The way she can make me feel like I’m a part of her fictional world, and the way she writers stories that feel so real, it’s commendable. This particular book follows Hannah whose life changes when she moves back to her hometown. One night, one choice, one decision, and it could change the trajectory of her life as she knows. Although it’s a book that doesn’t give a clear ending [and I’m one of those few who hate cliffhangers and ambiguous endings] I do like the way it ends. It’s about choices and how our life is made up of small, little details that we ignore or don’t pay much attention to. I personally love multiverse, alternate universe stuff so this book was a perfect quick read.

“It was heaven. It was hell. It was wrong and right and I wished I’d never started yet I never wanted to stop.”

– A Love Letter To Whiskey, Kandi Steiner

A Love Letter To Whiskey – this one holds a special place in my heart because it’s way too personal. I read it months ago and I can still remember everything that happened in this book and in my heart. I cried so much during this book.

We follow a girl who collides with a guy and although she saw him first, it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t fall for her, or so it seems. Soon, they become best friends and yes, there’s a lingering tension in the air because of course they like each other but the timing is never right!

We see them meeting again and again as they grow up and I know fictional stories should be fictional but their struggle and reasoning is so real, I can’t help but wonder if this was ever a real story the author lived or someone she knew had go to through. Their hugs, their friendship, the angst, I think I might reread it soon. It does seem a bit toxic the way they feel for each other and show their love but to me, the little moments, the brief meetings that solidifies their friendship, the long distance, and breaks in between was everything.

Honorary Mention – Addicted To You which is part of a long series and I’d prefer if you read the whole series to actually get into their world. That’s the only reason I haven’t added it separately here.

Read and Didn’t Like:

One Day – ugh, I swear I’m being honest when I say this, if it weren’t for the show’s release, I would have never, ever picked up this book and if I had, I would have never put myself through the torture of finishing it because what the actual hell was this book. I feel like I am the only person who didn’t get the hype. Now, I hate it when I can’t join the club of loving a popular book but I’m glad I’m still outside.

The guy in this book was toxic, insufferable, and not at all a person I’d ever be interested in reading about. The girl put up with him for some reason. If I choose to overlook the characters, the story or the overall plot was kind of interesting. But that’s it. I don’t even have anything to say about it.

Read and Forgot About:

The Cheat Sheet – I honestly don’t remember a single thing about this book except that one scene where they are making a board about how to get the girl to fall in love with the main guy. I thought it was cute. I didn’t hate the book but it was just like a cute read. I’d love to reread it at some point.

The Problem With Forever – I don’t remember a thing about this book except there’s an abusive parent in it if I’m not wrong.

To Love Jason Thorn – a fake dating, old friends [he’s actually her brother’s childhood friend], he’s an actor and she’s the writer who wrote the book, a cute, fun read and I remember being obsessed with the characters and this story.

Other Books That I’ve Read About Friends:A Thousand Boy KissesThe Summer I Turned Pretty SeriesHook, Line, And SinkerThe American Roommate ExperimentFinal OfferBetter Than The MoviesA Thousand MilesFrom Lukov With LoveOn My TBR:

I still have a lot of books on my TBR that I need to read so I don’t know how I’ll like them. Maybe once I’ve read them, I’ll update this. But in the meantime, here’s my TBR [friends-to-lovers edition].

Second Chance SummerPoetry Of FlowersLovelight Farms

There’s this book called A Summer of Broken Rules and another called If He Had Been With Me. I don’t think they are friends-to-lovers centric book but they were in my TBR list for some reason. I will have to read it and then check why these two books were in this particular list.

Anyway, that’s all the book recs I have for today. I wish I could add more but these books were all I could think of. I know all of the above mentioned books are quite popular and you must have already read it. So…I can’t wait to read more and make another list featuring some of my underrated reads from all of my favorite tropes.

Happy Reading<3

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Here’s a very long list of books I want to read so if you want to read them, I’d suggest you bring snacks in so we can have fun.

[it’d be too long if I added a blurb or synopsis so to keep it short, I’ve only mentioned the book titles here, if you want, you can always use Goodreads or Google to learn more]

1984 [TBR, have a paperback]A Brief History Of TimeA Clockwork OrangeA Farewell To ArmsA Game Of Thrones [TBR, have a paperback]A Little Life [TBR, have a paperback]A Short History Of Nearly EverythingAdventures Of Huckleberry FinnAlice’s Adventure In WonderlandAll The King’s MenAll The Light We Cannot See [TBR, have a paperback]American SniperAnd Then There Were None [READ]Animal Farm [TBR, have a paperback]As I Lay DyingBrave New WorldBridge To TerabithiaClarissaCrime And PunishmentDavid CopperfieldDivergent [READ]Don QuixoteDraculaEat, Pray, Love [TBR, have a paperback]Emma [TBR, have a paperback]Fahrenheit 451FangirlFlowers For AlgernonFrankensteinGirl Online [TBR, have a paperback]Great Expectations [TBR, have a paperback]Gulliver’s TravelsIf I Stay [TBR, have a paperback]Jane Eyre [TBR, have a paperback]Leaves Of GrassLife After Life    Little Women [READ]Lord Of The FliesMansfield Park [TBR, have a paperback]Memoirs Of A Geisha [TBR, have a paperback]MetamorphosisMoby Dick                                               Mrs. Dalloway  My Brilliant FriendNorthanger AbbeyOn The RoadPaper Towns [READ]Persuasion [TBR, have a paperback]Peter PanPride And Prejudice [READ]Rebecca [TBR, have a paperback]Robinson CrusoeSense And Sensibility [TBR, have a paperback]Still AliceStrange Case Of Dr. Jekyll And Mr. HydeTender Is The Night [TBR, have a paperback]The 100 Year Old Man Who Climbed Out The Window And DisappearedThe Adventures Of Sherlock HolmesThe Alchemist [TBR, have a paperback]The Bell JarThe Book Thief [READ]The Boy In Striped PyjamasThe Brain That Changes ItselfThe Catcher In The RyeThe Color PurpleThe Colour Of MagicThe Da Vinci Code [TBR, have a paperback]The DressmakerThe Fault In Our Stars [READ]The Girl On The Train [TBR, have a paperback]The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo [TBR, have a paperback]The God Of Small Things [READ]The Goldfinch [READ]The Great Gatsby [READ]The Handmaid’s TaleThe Happiest RefugeeThe Hitchhiker’s Guide To The GalaxyThe Hunger Games [READ]The Husband’s SecretThe Lake HouseThe Life And Opinions Of Tristram ShandyThe Little PrinceThe MartianThe Maze RunnerThe Night CircusThe Picture Of Dorian Gray [READ]The Pilgrim’s ProgressThe Rosie ProjectThe Scarlet LetterThe Sun Also RisesThe Time Traveller’s Wife [TBR, have a paperback]To Kill A Mockingbird [TBR, have a paperback]To The Lighthouse [TBR, have a paperback]Ulysses [TBR, have a paperback]Vanity FairWe Are All Completely Beside OurselvesWe Were Liars [READ]Wild         Wuthering Heights [READ]Yes Please

I own physical copies of 25 books and I keep saying I’ll read them but I never do so let’s hope I read them soon. I’ve read 14 books out of the remaining titles which is kind of cool. To be honest, I’d made this list months ago. I had to go through several book lists on Goodreads and Pinterest to find these. Some of these books are quite famous but there are a few titles that don’t ring a bell in my mind so I’ll have to look into it again.

If you have read these or want to read them, then let’s hold each other accountable to read these ASAP because I wanna finish this list before I die. Hopefully.

Anyway, you’re a reader whether you read cool, pretentious, classics or not. I just want to read these because they are supposed to be good books and I want to learn how to write better. So don’t think you’re supposed to read these to be a reader.

Sadly, Google tells me a reader is someone who reads [so whether you read these books or not, you’re a reader if you read any book].

Don’t force yourself to read things you don’t enjoy, okay?

[i’ve attached the book list in pictures format so you can screenshot it for later as well]

JESS

THE DAY AFTER GRADUATION…

“I can’t believe you’re coming home,” Ravi whispers, taking my hand as we sit in the backseat of a cab.

“We’re literally on our way to home.” I correct him, controlling the urge to roll my eyes at him.

“I know. It’s the best day of my life.” He smiles widely, softly kissing our joined hands.

I still can’t believe that I’m coming home, for real this time, no deals or lies included. This time, when I step through that door, I know it’s going to be for real; my only home.

Three years passed by so quickly but at the same time, it felt so long while I was still in Delhi, waiting for our daily video calls, eagerly checking my phone like a schoolgirl.

“Does that mean marrying me wasn’t the best day of your life?” I argue, arching my brows at him.

“I hardly remember that day, I was that drunk on happiness, Jess,” he says and just at the time, I see a glimpse of our home on my left. It’s almost seven p.m. and I can’t wait to sleep on my soft mattress and not wake up till daylight breaks tomorrow morning.

Although I’m tired, a happy, giddy feeling runs through my veins. Surprisingly, I feel my eyes water and I don’t have to look far to know these are happy tears.

For I’m finally home.

“Stay here, let me grab our bags.” My husband orders me as I follow him to the trunk of our cab parked right in front of our place.

“I can carry my bag,” I say, as he unlocks the trunk and places our bags on the road.

He had a single duffel bag for his one-day stay at a hotel yesterday but I have three medium-sized suitcases. Most of the things that I’d bought while studying didn’t even last too long. The things that managed to survive the three years are all packed in my suitcases. I also had to donate a few things that were still in good condition because I couldn’t carry them home.

Pulling the handle of two of my sturdy silver suitcases, I begin rolling it away from the car, into our home while Ravi carries the remaining bags.  

I open the front door and instead of seeing the place illuminated by yellow lights, I’m greeted with silence and darkness.

I turn my head to find him just behind me, watching me with a strange expression. I was about to scold him for not leaving at least one light on but his face makes me forget it.

“What’s so funny?” I ask, looking at his twitching lip.

“Nothing.”

“You can’t keep a straight poker face to save your life,” I say and then head inside, looking around in the darkness.

I hear the door close behind me and just at that moment, all the lights turn on and I’m greeted with loud voices and cheers.

“What…

Ravi’s parents, whom I’ve come to call Mom and Dad finally, wait for me at the other end of the living room. Aisha is among them too, holding a welcome-back poster, which is surprising because the last we talked, she wasn’t even in the country. And is there a golden retriever with them?

The whole place is covered in pink and white balloons. Baby’s breath and daisies sit in a vase on the living room table. But the only thing I care about is the faces waiting for me with a smile on their faces.

“Welcome home, my wife,” Ravi whispers, making me turn my head in his direction.

“I hope these are happy tears,” he says, his thumb touching my cheeks.

I didn’t even realize that my eyes had already started leaking. It’s too much for me. I suddenly feel my throat close up. This warm feeling of love, of belonging somewhere, to someone, of having the privilege to call a place home, feels surreal but at the same time, I’m strong enough to take it and accept it like I deserve it.

“Oh come on, I can’t wait anymore,” Mom says and I hear all of them laugh. “I need to hug my daughter.”

I smile at her and as she heads in my direction, a bright smile on her face, I feel a strong urge to wrap myself around her arms and never let go. Which is exactly what I do: meet her in the middle. All of them, the family that I chose, gather around me. Several arms wrap around my body and I feel the dog at my leg, licking my jeans as I take it all in.

I want to say I missed them, tell them how much my hands itched to touch their faces, even if it was just to tell myself they were real and I hadn’t imagined them, but I can’t. So, I close my eyes and let their warmth and love seep into me.

One by one, they take a step back, leaving just Mom and me in a hug. Her embrace is the one I need the most right now.

“We all missed you.” She whispers, kissing the top of my head. 

I missed her so much, despite talking to her daily. She had been my strength, telling me not to give up on my dreams on nights when I missed home too much. I was so close to giving up one time, but she stayed on call with me, telling me stories of her life. She taught me how not to give up on my dreams. Missing Ravi for three years was better than a lifetime of mourning my dreams, she said and that’s why I’m here today. She’s the only one who knows about it and no one else. She also knows about my marriage deal with her son but instead of calling me names, she loved me fiercely and without any grudge.

I hide my face in her dress, shutting my eyes close. My tears wet her dress, the material sticking to my cheeks. Her palm strokes my hair and I hear my husband chuckle.

I open my eyes, not leaving Mom as I speak, “What’s so funny, dear husband?”

“You sticking to my mom like a 5-year-old.” He says, biting his lips to stop smiling.

“Well, you had her for all your life and she’s my mom too, and I’m meeting her after three years so shut up if you want dinner tonight,” I say, wiping my tears away.

“She’s my daughter,” Mom says, shutting her son in just three words. And I don’t have to look at her to know she’s definitely glaring at him.

I stick my tongue out at him and he winks in response.

“Let’s cut the cake,” Aisha announces and I let Mom go, looking around me.

“You got me a cake?” I ask her, walking to hug my best friend. We spent the past three years together in the same city but it’s still not enough.

Her straight hair is tied in a top knot. She’s dressed in basic wide-legged jeans and a black tunic. Her strong arms wrap around my body, and she kisses my temple as she says, “I didn’t get you just any cake. It’s a chocolate truffle cake.”

My mouth opens wide at the news. “I love that cake. What are we doing here, let’s go eat it!”

Everyone chuckles at that and I smile, as Aisha guides us to the kitchen. Their chuckles were genuine, dripping with love, unlike the chuckles I was used to at my dad’s place.

Nope, no, we’re not tainting today with their faces or voices.

I cut the cake, with Mom and Dad holding the knife with me while my best friend and my husband stand across the kitchen island, capturing this moment for me. The dog whose name according to his collar is Bruno, runs around the place, his tongue sticking out as he runs between Aisha and me, eyeing the cake.

I cut a small piece and fed him before serving the rest for all of us. They grab their plates and exit the kitchen, leaving me with Ravi.

He rounds the kitchen island and wraps his arms around my waist from behind.

“Hi.” He whispers in my ear.

“Hi.”

“I love you.”

God, I’ll never tire of hearing those words coming from his mouth.

“That won’t make me give you a bigger slice of this cake.”

“I tried.” He laughs and the sound of it is like music to my ears. I missed hearing this sound and feeling his warmth and seeing his face just inches from me, where I could stroke his face, touch his hands, and see the light in his eyes.

“I love you,” I say as I turn to face him.

He leans down, kissing my forehead and he’s about to kiss me on the lips when Dad calls our name. He rolls his eyes while I shrug my shoulders. We both exit the kitchen hand in hand, joining our family for the rest of the night at our home.

This is where I belong.

This is what I’ve been looking for all along and I was lucky enough to find it.

And I sure as hell am never letting it go. 

[this text was first published on the hardcover edition of My Dream Wedding by Isha Agrawal – you can purchase the novel on Amazon or read it on Kindle Unlimited for free]

I don’t think I’m a bestselling author or anyone famous in a position to suggest anything to anybody. But sometimes people ask me about how to write and how to do it so here’s a list of things I use when I’m writing.

This is just what I use and I think sharing always helps. That’s the main reason I’m writing this. You can try these if you want to make your writing life more manageable. These apps won’t write for you, but they’ll make writing fun for sure.

MS Word – it’s my main app for writing everything from my blogs to WIPs, I still believe in this appGoogle Docs – I use it to backup my main documents saved in MS WordGoogle Keep – I use it to keep track of my to-do lists and write random notes or thoughts, poems, and anything that comes to meGoogle Sheets – I use it to keep track of my word count and plan my post schedule since it’s available on my phone as well as laptop  MS Excel – it’s my go-to place when I want to organize my WIPs, plan and plot my WIPs – keep track of scenes/ tropes that must be in my stories, record the timeline of events happening in the stories, chapter titles, edit notes, everything is in my excel sheetsPinterest – the one app that saves me every time from aesthetic to character inspiration to quotes to writing tips to book recs, everything is hereSpotify – the only music app I trust so all of my playlists are made on it and it gets me in the mood to write or accompanies me when I daydream about my characters and storiesForest – when I can’t write for days, I come back to this app, set a timer for an hour, and write without using my phone or any other distractionOnelook Thesaurus – when it gets tiring to say “said”, this will come in handy and give you synonyms to use just as it’ll tell you the meaning of the word “painstakingly”Grammarly – although the free version doesn’t get the job done, I still use it to check the grammar in anything I writeHemingway Editor – it’s a cool site that lets you see the readability of your textNaNoWriMo – I’ve participated in it for the past three years in November and I’ve always managed to get some writing done [the goal is to write more, not reach the word count goal] it’s a good motivating space if you want to watch your progress as well as your friend’sCanva – I make all of my posts for Instagram, YouTube, and WordPress on this app and it’s a savior [they have cool templates that make things easier if you don’t know how to design or don’t have much time for it]Corel Draw – I design the cover for my books using this app because I learned how to use it in college but it’s hardly available for free [Procreate and Canva are other options that you can try if you have access to it]WordPress – this is for my blog and author’s website so anyone can read my blogs or see all of my books in one place

Other things that I can’t live without are my phone and laptop, my journals, and pens [I also like to use brush pens as highlighters and I love using sticky notes for my ideas]

Additional Tips –

If you don’t know where to look, Pinterest is a great spot to learn anything – from writing tips to writing a full book, everything is available on that appThere’s a complete guide on NaNoWriMo that helps you plot a book so you can download it and edit it on your ownThere are several Instagram accounts that share tips and advice on how to write, how to get a publishing deal etcFor editing, Chicago Style Manual can help you [I don’t know how to edit my own work but it got the job done for my debut novel]The Emotion Thesaurus is THE writing guide if you don’t know how to write emotions and body language wellProust Questionnaire consists of questions that will help you understand your character better and how to make their voice stand out so none of your characters sound the sameSpotify Podcasts – Fiction Writing Made Easy by Savannah Gilbo is a podcast that I heard one episode of where she talks about the importance of subplots [it’s hard for me to listen to podcasts but if you are someone who learns easily from it then you should check her podcast channel]

That’s everything I’ve used or use on a regular basis. People do suggest using Scrivener but for some reason I can’t figure out that site/app. Plus, it charges a fee [as far as I know] so I don’t want to do any more research on that when I know I’ll never use it.

If you’re new to writing, you don’t necessarily need these things. When I started writing, all I had was my journal and pen, then MS Word, and then Google Docs. Remaining things just became a part of my life as I went on.

So, I’d say don’t let these things intimidate you. Writing is fun. This is just for those who crave a system in their life and need every single thing organized in order to work. If you don’t want these things, pick a pen and start writing. That’s all that’s really important to get writing done, anyway.

happy writing<3

As the title reads, this is a book recommendation blog where I’ll be going insane about books that left a mark on me. So, if you haven’t read these, this is your sign to finally pick up these books. I’d like to say more but I’m quite excited about this particular piece because [a]it’s a listicle and [b]it’s about books so let’s dive right into it!

[also, before you all get confused i’m talking about 500 books that i’ve read since i started reading in seventh grade, i’ve barely read thirty books this year. you can check my bookshelf if you want to know more about the books i’ve read]

Marriage For One – a cute marriage of convenience romance between a grumpy guy and sunshine girl who need to live together and attend events together in order to get what they want [it makes me cry all the damn time] Jack and Rose are THE standard when it comes to love for meShatter Me – enemies to lovers, friendship, love, romance, hope, young, siblings, betrayal, I could go on and on because it’s such a good series filled with such good plots and twists, I could reread it forever I think, it’s a series set in a dystopian world and it’s meant to be for a younger audience I believe but I was still hooked when I read it a few years ago so yep, that’s a quality of a good seriesAddicted + Calloway Sisters + Bad Reputation – yes I know the writing isn’t mature as some of the readers say and most of you have already given up on this series after reading the first book because we don’t want a series that only picks up pace after like five books but the core eight are everything to me – they are so real with their feelings, struggles, hopes, and dreams, they feel almost like real to me so if you want friends who aren’t real but feel real to you, this series will be a warm hug for you and you won’t ever feel alone again [yes, even i had given up on this series after fifth book, thank god i’d picked it up again]The Mortal Instruments + The Infernal Devices – if you want to live peacefully, ignore this book rec but if you don’t cherish your mental peace and want to ruin your life forever, read these two series, The Shadowhunter Chronicles is a long series with more books on the way but if I had to suggest, I’d say read these two series at the least because they are fun and will keep you hooked [I love TMI more than any other series because they were quick, fast-paced, action-filled books, but TID makes me cry so that’s why it’s here, also Will Herondale and Jem>>>]Before We Were Strangers – a friends-to-lovers story that follows two friends who lost touch due to some misunderstanding [it made me cry] and their paths collide years later, giving them a chance to clear up thingsDarling Venom – a heartfelt, gut-wrenching story that follows two people brought together by grief and pain, it shows suicide and depression in a really realistic way that makes you feel for all the characters [it made me cry so much]TJ Powar Has Something To Prove – a perfect serving of academic rivals to lovers for anyone who craves more BEVI [Never Have I Ever] in their lives but doesn’t want to rewatch the show for the tenth time plus bonus points for the way it deals with hairy issues [ BONUS book rec : I Hope This Doesn’t Find You by Ann Liang is NHIE+TATBILB in a book and I loved every second of it]Unfortunately Yours – this is a book that’s filled with the perfect amount of banter and spice and also romance [made me fall in love with romance books again and took me out of my slump] so if you want a cutesy romance then this is your bookCrush – my favorite book of all time after Marriage For One, this is a poetry book and I love Richard’s words so much that I remember reading some of his interviews online because I needed to read more of his words and thoughtsAnd Then There Were None – my first Agatha Christie and it did not disappoint, the twist still makes me go crazy because I never saw it coming [reminds me I need to read more books by the author] it’s a short book that I finished in three hours, in one sitting yes, so it’s a perfect read for when you’re bored or traveling for a few hoursA Good Girl’s Guide To Murder – I never thought a young girl would terrify me this much but here we are, from the mystery to the full circle moment, this series is so good I finished it in four days, I was inhaling these books despite how terrified I was [this is the real series that will actually take over your mind and you won’t be able to think about anything else and it’ll keep you on the edge of your seat] as the name suggests, a good girl really guides you through a murder caseSix Of Crows – still mad we won’t ever get to see the heist on screens but it is what it is, the found family trope and the masterminds in this story will forever amaze me, they always blow my mind away even though I know what happens and to think they are all younger than me *smh* this duology follows a group of misfits who come together for a common goal and it’ll show you what found family actually means

If you made till the end, then your next action should be reading these straight away. You’ll only be doing yourself a favor! I’ll keep writing more book recs based on specific tropes so if you would like to read, then maybe, stick around and subscribe so you won’t miss anything next time I post something fresh for you.

Happy reading<3

[pictures: Pinterest, collage: Canva]

One question I get asked most of the time is “How to start writing?” Or it’s always one of my online friends saying they have an idea in their head or a plot but they don’t know how to write it or how to turn it into a novel. If you’re someone who’s thinking the same questions then let me angrily motivate you to get your ass down on that desk and start typing away. Because typing is how every story begins.

{Trust me this isn’t only about you. I need me some motivation potion too so let’s get
into it.}

Buy a diary/ journal/ grab some blank papers or notebook with blank pages + a pen/ pencil to jot down every random idea that swirls in your head / use your phone to achieve the sameStart with free writing for ten minutes if you don’t want to start writing your novel straight away – sit down for ten or fifteen minutes and write without pausing to read or edit whatever you’ve written – you can write about your day, what you ate, what your friends or parents said to you, what you saw while you were out, anything that stuck out or made you happy or feel something, or you know all the boring details, it’s just words about your day, don’t think and write anything Read daily even if it’s just a page or two from a fiction or non-fiction book because anything that goes in, comes outUse your commute time to get some writing done if you travel to school or workIf you stay at home, wake up early or sleep late to get ten minutes of writing done [remember not to bring your distractions here]Write daily even if it’s just a word because soon it’ll turn into a sentence, then a scene, then a chapter and one day you’ll have a full-length novelCreating gets tiring if that’s all you ever do so try new hobbies [for me it’s doodling, drawing, cleaning, embroidery, journaling, painting, watching k-dramas, DIY, and of course blogging, writing random scenes, or working on a shiny new WIP]If you aren’t writing – create Pinterest boards, and Spotify playlists, read more books related to your genre or about your craft, research your topicsOn days you can’t get words on paper, sit down to write in your allotted time period but get up once your time is up – words won’t appear magically if you sit for longer hours and wait for them to come to you, it will only make you angry or sad which isn’t goodTake a step back and take a break when you feel yourself not wanting to write – when you come back, it’ll be with a fresh mind that’s excited to workWrite daily and it doesn’t have to be related to your book – you could write poems, prose, short stories, essays, blogs, articles, reviews anythingWhen you do write, don’t edit at the same time– it’s a trap that you’ll never escape once you start doing itWrite bad words because as they say, you can always edit a bad chapter, not a blank pageIf you feel lost – know that we all do – writing is a long and lonely journey but don’t let any voice [most often it’ll be your voice] convince you that your art doesn’t matter because it does matterUse Spotify playlists or YouTube sound playlists to set the mood for writingSome people use scented candles too to set the moodKeep a pen and some sticky notes with you to jot down random ideas – or do it on your phoneExtra Tip – keep a plush toy with you so when the devil takes over and convinces you you aren’t good, you can hug it and smileIf you don’t write your story, who else will? Imagine you’re gone and someone finds your draft and reads it only to find it was never finished. You can’t do that to your friends!Write because that story needs to be written, because you and I need to read it because even if it’s cliché, it’s still youThere are so many fast food stalls but we all have a favorite, don’t we? Chances are others might not like it but we do love them nonetheless, don’t we? So love your art because even if there are thousands of books that sound similar to yours, they haven’t been done by  you , it’s not your voice that’s shining in themIf it’s your first draft, there is no need to follow a chronological order or sequence – write what interests you, write badly but don’t stop writingUse NaNoWriMo or Google Sheets/ MS Excel to keep track of your word countUse the Forest app or deep focus mode on your devices to write without any distractions [once the timer goes off, get up and go on with your day] Use Google Notes/Google Docs for writing so you can access your document from any device – this means you can’t make an excuse for not having access to your documents If you think you suck, then there’s me who thinks I suck too, so we all suck – it’s all about which voice we’ll choose to listen to You are writing for yourself so there’s no right or wrong method/ timeline/ procedure to achieve what you want

If you’re a full-time writer –

take your job seriously, start dressing up comfy or cute to accept that writing IS your job, whether you like it or not make your writing space cute and a no-distraction zone, go to a café or a library when it gets boring and monotonous, keep moving once in a while or whenever it gets dull, but once you shut that device, no more work.

NOW GET TO WRITING THAT STORY!!!

I want to read it and brag about having read it, okay???

I’m so tired of feeling this way but I don’t know how to stop it or change it. I’m sure there are other twenty something year old who have it really figured out but for those who don’t, let’s take a deep breath and smile because I’m certain it’ll be alright once it passes.

They keep telling us we are old enough to get married but not wise enough to have an opinion on the economy or go have a sleepover with our friends. They ask us to get a job but the employers want a degree and five years of experience. They order us to get our lives together and act like our age but who’s gonna tell us what age we should be? Who’s gonna tell us how a 22-year-old should be? Where’s the damn manual that’ll teach us how to act 22? Are you asking me to act my age in terms of how you were at the age of 22 with a job and home and struggles? If yes, then who’s gonna give me the freedom to do so? And if not, then where’s the manual that you’re referring to, that tells us how to act our age?

One of my friends has returned home to find a new job and live a slow life. Another has moved to a different city for job opportunities and a fast-paced adventurous life. Another hasn’t even started looking for a job. Meanwhile here I am, too tired to get a degree but too busy to find an internship.

I watch my friends traveling, doing things, having fun, making friends, and living the life that’s scheduled for them. I’ve always known nine to five isn’t for me so it’s not like I crave that corporate girlie life. But at the end of the day, when you have a paycheck and a weekend off, it feels rewarding.

I want to stop existing in my head and live my life. I keep thinking about what will I reminisce on when I’m older and there’s nothing, not a single memory that sticks out and makes me smile or makes me think “What a great day it was”. There’s not a single adventure I’d like to live again. Sad isn’t it, to think there’s nothing I’ve done yet that makes me happy or smile?  

Social media is a lie. Everything on social media is cooked and presented pleasingly. Nobody shows the behind-the-scenes mess it takes to cook that one thing. There are people traveling solo, getting more promotions, and gifting things to their loved ones, it’s all stars and shines. But nobody shows how many nights they stayed in to save that much to afford those things, or how many times they cried due to exhaustion, depression, and pressure.

Who’s gonna tell us the truths behind their well-plated lies that make us hate our lives?

The posts that I see on the internet telling me to go out and live my life works it magic for a second until the power wears off and I realize that I can’t afford those dreams.

I don’t want to spend my twenties in my room. Who knows, maybe this is the healthiest I’ve ever been and I’ll never be this way again. Or what if this is the most freedom I’ll be granted and my future gets worse from here? I keep thinking I’m waiting for twenty-five so my life can begin but what if I don’t even make it till that age? Who has seen the future? I haven’t and nobody else has either. My present doesn’t make me feel good so I worry about the future and I keep thinking about it.

I’m certain one day, it’ll end before I can even comprehend that I spent all my life worrying about the future while it was happening to me without my notice.

“You only live once” and “you can earn your money back but you’ll never be 22 again with your friends in Bali” and “go out and live your life instead of existing”.

It makes me sad to know most of us don’t have access to a life where such things are possible, where we can throw caution into the winds and cease the day when we know there’ll be bills to pay the next day.

20s are a weird age to be. Some are getting married, some are worrying about their bills, some are fulfilling their parents’ expectations, someone is crying over another breakup, someone is traveling the world, someone is meeting their favorite singers, and someone is dedicating their day and night to achieve that one dream they’ve dreamt of since they were seven. There are so many people in this world, and so many of them are of your age, and so many of them are from your social class or not, so it’s incorrect to compare your lives with them.

All of us live a different life. All of us have got our struggles that only the close ones know about. All of us hide a wish to end it all. All of us are still waking up and giving another day a chance. All of us want to be better and we’re trying for it. All of us are living, even if it’s just by existing in four walls. Life doesn’t come with a rulebook and manual that will show us how to do it right at the right time. It’s us humans with our experiences that give others expectations as to how our lives should be.

Maybe they are having lunch with cool people but it’s because they spent months saving for it. Maybe they are attending another concert but it’s because they can since they come from a wealthy family.

We’re all humans but we’re different. Our wants are different, our situations are different. Everything we’re experiencing is ours and never similar to other’s experiences. Maybe it hurts to accept you’re still stuck in your hometown with nothing to brag about but what if it’s just a phase that will mark the beginning of something beautiful?

Hope is a dangerous thing but isn’t it so beautiful? Isn’t it beautiful to think it’s only for now, not forever, whatever we’re going through?

This shall pass too so let’s hope we make the most of our 20s as we get it, even if it’s just by creating or doing nothing in our room. One day when we’re old, who knows, maybe what we’ll miss the most is the evenings we spent lying on the bed, staring out the window as rain poured down. Let’s learn to appreciate our now the way it is. It surely won’t be the same ten years from now. It’ll change and so will you, and so will they.

Don’t compare your 20s to someone who hasn’t lived your life, it’ll not change your reality.

Most of the time, you’ll have no clue as to what to do but that’s the part of being human, you will never have a clue, even at 75. There’s no rule book or record book to keep track of your progress so even when you’ve managed to convince yourself that you don’t have time, the truth is you do.

There is time, there are chapters left that are yet to be written.

Take a deep breath and calm down.

We all grow at different rates. That’s the beauty of life. 

Ever since I started working on my books, I’ve realized that I don’t feel like reading as much as I used to because if I do, then what am I doing? I should be writing. And, if I’m writing, then why can’t I write like this? Thoughts like these bug me and ruin my mood.

I’ve been a reader as much as I’ve been a writer. It’s who I am. So you can only think how it feels when these two things don’t work together like they used to.

The past two years have been a long journey where I keep finding myself in slumps and the “don’t want to read anything because nothing has been hitting lately” phase. However, here are five books that I remember reading and enjoying. If you’re stuck in the worst rut of your life, then this will hit the right spot and make you fall in love with reading again.

Three out of these five books are super short and can be read in one sitting which always works wonders so get ready to get out of this slump!

And Then There Were None

a mystery novel that I finished in one sitting, only three hours. It follows ten people who are called to an island and all of them end up dead. The killer hasn’t left the island because they never arrived there in the first place. Who’s the killer, how did they end up on the island, how did they kill these ten people, and why?

Daisy Jones And The Six

a quick, fast-paced story with a cool format that’s a page-turner. It follows Daisy Jones and a band called The Six. Their lives change when they decide to work together. I don’t remember much but I guess this is my sign to reread this because the author, Taylor Jenkins Reid never misses with her stories.

The Great Gatsby

a short classic book, also my first ever classic. It follows Gatsby, his life, and the concept of the American dream. I finished it one sitting too and if you’re looking to get into classics, this could be the perfect book to start your journey.

The Picture Of Dorian Gray

beautiful writing and amazingly written bad characters. Dorian Gray is a guy who loves his beauty and sells his soul for the same. A painter draws him a portrait that ages with his actions and he must keep it hidden. The characters are terrible but the writing is beautiful which almost makes up for it.

Unfortunately Yours

this is THE romance book that took me out of my slump this year. It’s about a girl who enters a marriage of convenience with a man she doesn’t even like. The banter, witty comebacks, and emotional scenes were so good, that I couldn’t stop thinking about them even when I was supposed to be working.

It’s been weeks and I’ve been trying my best to write this feeling down in words but I fail each time, if only more miserably than the previous time. I’m torn between taking a break and forcing myself to work. But it’s not easy.

If I take a break, I spend days and weeks consuming art when I should be working on mine and the guilt eats me up because it takes me time to return to my work after watching a show or reading a good book. If I don’t take a break and force myself to work, I waste my days neither consuming any art nor creating any.

Is there such a thing as a work-life balance that people actually achieve in reality? If they do, then I’m a stranger to the concept and would love some tips.

I can’t remember the last time I didn’t hate myself for taking a break and not working. Even if I’m not working, I want to do something with my time. I want to utilize that free time to read, draw, journal, try that new skincare product I bought months ago, learn a new hobby, go out and have fun, or travel somewhere, and do everything I couldn’t do while working.
But is it even a break if I’m not resting?

I keep seeing people talk about their progress on the internet and I wonder if I’m not pushing myself enough, if maybe I’m just not good enough.

After the year I’ve had, my peaceful state of mind and lack of words should be justifiable. In reality, it only makes me mad. Out of six, I’ve spent two months actually writing and four months crying about not writing.

I keep reminding myself that not everybody lives the same life. I shouldn’t compare myself to them. Yet I do. I watch others and doubt myself. Why can’t I write a thousand words like them in a day? Why do I keep taking these breaks? Why are they never exhausted? They have got their jobs and lives too. What do I lack?

Even though I’ve had days when I’m writing five thousand words easily, on bad days all I can think about are the days when getting even five words out of my tight grip is like a death sentence.

All I’ve got in my palms are questions which go unanswered. All I can do to deal with those questions is write.

But on some days, no matter what you do, your voice will turn against you, your art won’t listen to you and you’ll feel anger flowing in your blood, you will feel helpless from the pit of your stomach, your sad heart will sit with its knees folded over the pool of your tears, your eyes will stare blankly at your walls and the unfinished manuscripts that you promised to finish this year and your empty journals that beg you to decorate them but you’ll be too tired to get up and move your hands.

Some might call you lazy and choose to be unkind to you but don’t forget it’s your job to be kind to yourself before anyone else does the same.

Taking a break may look like being lazy, procrastinating, or being a coward for letting lethargy win but a break is eminent to the betterment of your soul, art, and heart. You can’t create if you’re not feeling like you’re giving your best. If you hate your art or the act of creating it, then it’s going to backfire. It’s your time, your sign to take a step back and relax.

Don’t complain that nobody is being kind to you when you yourself haven’t been kind to yourself in the first place. If you know you should take some time off work, then you should listen to your inner voice and take a break to enjoy other forms of art and creation.

On days like these, I watch the phone screen light up with the caller ID displaying on it. I’ll tell myself and others that I missed the call but my screen time will prove otherwise. I like to go into hiding, too mentally exhausted to respond to any texts or pick up the calls that go unanswered for the third time in a day. It bothers people but it is what it is.

Usually I turn to writing when the blues hijack my sunny skies but sometimes it gets so worse that I can taste my tongue dry and naked without all those words I always feel sitting there, waiting to pour on the sheets.

I could either cry it out or write it down if I had something to say but there’s nothing left.

There was a time when I was still studying so I could lie to myself and say that it’s for the better. Not writing enough or not writing at all means I’m feeling better, I’m healing. I’m getting better. I turn to words when my life is bad. Not writing means my life is better. It’s good.

But not anymore.

Now, I’m a full time writer who needs words more than air.

This year has been mentally draining and I have written a lot of poems. Now, I don’t have any words left. I know my words will come back as will more pain in my life. I know I will turn to words again when it gets bad. I know that by the time I learn not to beat myself up and just enjoy this time off work, my words would be barging in without a knock or a letter to announce their arrival.

Yet I hate myself for not writing.

I used to enjoy writing. I still do. I just don’t enjoy the days when I’m not doing it. I miss it and I crave it. I love writing. It’s my savior.

I know I write when it gets bad and not writing is a good sign but how can I see it as a good sign when writing is all I’ve ever known? I miss my words so much. I miss them and I want them back, even though I know it shows it’s getting bad again. I still want them.

God, I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve here. I just miss my words. I want them back.

I don’t know when they’ll return.

I hope they are doing fine.

I’m not doing fine without them.

I sound like a mad artist but I really need my words.

I hope they come soon.