I’m so tired of feeling this way but I don’t know how to stop it or change it. I’m sure there are other twenty something year old who have it really figured out but for those who don’t, let’s take a deep breath and smile because I’m certain it’ll be alright once it passes.

They keep telling us we are old enough to get married but not wise enough to have an opinion on the economy or go have a sleepover with our friends. They ask us to get a job but the employers want a degree and five years of experience. They order us to get our lives together and act like our age but who’s gonna tell us what age we should be? Who’s gonna tell us how a 22-year-old should be? Where’s the damn manual that’ll teach us how to act 22? Are you asking me to act my age in terms of how you were at the age of 22 with a job and home and struggles? If yes, then who’s gonna give me the freedom to do so? And if not, then where’s the manual that you’re referring to, that tells us how to act our age?

One of my friends has returned home to find a new job and live a slow life. Another has moved to a different city for job opportunities and a fast-paced adventurous life. Another hasn’t even started looking for a job. Meanwhile here I am, too tired to get a degree but too busy to find an internship.

I watch my friends traveling, doing things, having fun, making friends, and living the life that’s scheduled for them. I’ve always known nine to five isn’t for me so it’s not like I crave that corporate girlie life. But at the end of the day, when you have a paycheck and a weekend off, it feels rewarding.

I want to stop existing in my head and live my life. I keep thinking about what will I reminisce on when I’m older and there’s nothing, not a single memory that sticks out and makes me smile or makes me think “What a great day it was”. There’s not a single adventure I’d like to live again. Sad isn’t it, to think there’s nothing I’ve done yet that makes me happy or smile?  

Social media is a lie. Everything on social media is cooked and presented pleasingly. Nobody shows the behind-the-scenes mess it takes to cook that one thing. There are people traveling solo, getting more promotions, and gifting things to their loved ones, it’s all stars and shines. But nobody shows how many nights they stayed in to save that much to afford those things, or how many times they cried due to exhaustion, depression, and pressure.

Who’s gonna tell us the truths behind their well-plated lies that make us hate our lives?

The posts that I see on the internet telling me to go out and live my life works it magic for a second until the power wears off and I realize that I can’t afford those dreams.

I don’t want to spend my twenties in my room. Who knows, maybe this is the healthiest I’ve ever been and I’ll never be this way again. Or what if this is the most freedom I’ll be granted and my future gets worse from here? I keep thinking I’m waiting for twenty-five so my life can begin but what if I don’t even make it till that age? Who has seen the future? I haven’t and nobody else has either. My present doesn’t make me feel good so I worry about the future and I keep thinking about it.

I’m certain one day, it’ll end before I can even comprehend that I spent all my life worrying about the future while it was happening to me without my notice.

“You only live once” and “you can earn your money back but you’ll never be 22 again with your friends in Bali” and “go out and live your life instead of existing”.

It makes me sad to know most of us don’t have access to a life where such things are possible, where we can throw caution into the winds and cease the day when we know there’ll be bills to pay the next day.

20s are a weird age to be. Some are getting married, some are worrying about their bills, some are fulfilling their parents’ expectations, someone is crying over another breakup, someone is traveling the world, someone is meeting their favorite singers, and someone is dedicating their day and night to achieve that one dream they’ve dreamt of since they were seven. There are so many people in this world, and so many of them are of your age, and so many of them are from your social class or not, so it’s incorrect to compare your lives with them.

All of us live a different life. All of us have got our struggles that only the close ones know about. All of us hide a wish to end it all. All of us are still waking up and giving another day a chance. All of us want to be better and we’re trying for it. All of us are living, even if it’s just by existing in four walls. Life doesn’t come with a rulebook and manual that will show us how to do it right at the right time. It’s us humans with our experiences that give others expectations as to how our lives should be.

Maybe they are having lunch with cool people but it’s because they spent months saving for it. Maybe they are attending another concert but it’s because they can since they come from a wealthy family.

We’re all humans but we’re different. Our wants are different, our situations are different. Everything we’re experiencing is ours and never similar to other’s experiences. Maybe it hurts to accept you’re still stuck in your hometown with nothing to brag about but what if it’s just a phase that will mark the beginning of something beautiful?

Hope is a dangerous thing but isn’t it so beautiful? Isn’t it beautiful to think it’s only for now, not forever, whatever we’re going through?

This shall pass too so let’s hope we make the most of our 20s as we get it, even if it’s just by creating or doing nothing in our room. One day when we’re old, who knows, maybe what we’ll miss the most is the evenings we spent lying on the bed, staring out the window as rain poured down. Let’s learn to appreciate our now the way it is. It surely won’t be the same ten years from now. It’ll change and so will you, and so will they.

Don’t compare your 20s to someone who hasn’t lived your life, it’ll not change your reality.

Most of the time, you’ll have no clue as to what to do but that’s the part of being human, you will never have a clue, even at 75. There’s no rule book or record book to keep track of your progress so even when you’ve managed to convince yourself that you don’t have time, the truth is you do.

There is time, there are chapters left that are yet to be written.

Take a deep breath and calm down.

We all grow at different rates. That’s the beauty of life.