Susan Bennett's Blog

 

Fare. What's the cost? What is the fare for a child living among dogs in society today? 

Recently in AZ we've been witness to the story of a dog, Mickey, who in February mauled and could have easily killed a toddler, Kevin. It's a horrific story of a family who had their dog chained to a pole in their yard giving him 18 feet of life. Kevin, unaware of Mickey's 18 foot reach, wandered too near and was attacked from behind. Mickey was keenly vigilant of his space having killed a puppy seven months prior in nearly the same spot.  It was a life altering horrific attack of a four year old boy. Still in the hospital, Kevin can finally now eat on his own as the feeding tube was removed yesterday, however, doctors are working to fix the muscles around his right eye. He is facing a long recovery both physically and emotionally, if he can ever heal from such a traumatic event.

Who knows why Mickey killed or the history behind this dog? Sometimes animals snap. Who knows why Kevin got too close? We do know that every adult knew Mickey was dangerous and failed to protect Kevin. After it was over, the owner (who's mother was the babysitter) was in agreement to have Mickey euthanized. Instead, Mickey had supporters, friends to demonstrate at the court house, a fb page, and a full-on defense team. A judge ruled that Mickey would not be euthanized but will live out the rest of his life in a facility, neutered and defanged. His care will be funded by The Lexus Project. Yes, it's true.

Why does this late discovery adoptee care and choose to blog about it? Because I think as a society we are missing the bigger picture.

Support (in all forms) for our beloved canines is growing at a rapid pace. What once was a forgotten issue, Fido being taken to the humane society for whatever reason, is now one of Arizona's largest causes. I'm not suggesting that we stop caring about our pets, I will always care. This is about the frantic measures of some who have lost sight and compassion for human life. The focus has shifted to the canine life.  Many years ago no one really cared about the stray dog or where our neighbor bought her dog. We learned that too many dogs were euthanized daily at our county shelters, many was over breeding, and that mans best friend was being used and abused at an alarming rate. The winds of awareness and change blew into our cities. 

Pendulum swing.

Today, rescue organizations, websites, facebook pages by the hundreds (in the Phoenix area alone) have sprung up to help care for the injured, unwanted, abused, lost, and relinquished dogs. Thousands of dollars annually are donated, there are fund raisers and go fund me pages to pay for medical expenses and care. One can buy jewelry, clothes, and art in support of their favorite rescue. There are even national organizations that will pay court costs and fees to defend a dog, even provide for his care if he is not put down.   

By the way, is there a national organization to fund Kevin's surgeries and provide counseling as he grows up? A national relief agency for children mauled by dogs? There is not. 

Sadly, I have to ask, why is it that in 2014 we as a society seem to be more engaged and interested in our dogs than our children? I understand first hand that there comes a time in your life when it is easier to foster a dog than a child, I'm in that boat. I'm now a grand mother and I haven't had a foster child in my home in 9 years. I do help rescues and foster the occasional dog. But, 99% of my donation dollars and the majority of my efforts are with supporting the abused, fostered, and adopted children in my community. (Not the dogs in my community.)  I believe we can do both; care for our children and our pets. We've just gotten a little crazy-focused on our dogs to the detriment of our children. 

Need to know how you can help a child? 

Nationally- National Childrens Alliance and Childhelp USA

Locally in AZ please consider- Arizona Childrens Association and AASK

And in a few states helping Moms keep and care for their babies- Maggies Place

For the benefit of our society, get in the game for our children. Even if you can only shop or donate at a thrift store that benefits children, it helps.

"The evolution of culture is ultimately determined by the amount of love, understanding and freedom experienced by its children... Every abandonment, every betrayal, every hateful act towards children returns tenfold a few decades later upon the historical stage, while every empathic act that helps a child become what he or she wants to become, every expression of love toward children heals society and moves it in unexpected, wondrous new directions."

-Lloyd deMause

Like Kevin, children are our future.  

(Mickey is not our future.) 

 

There is this concerning issue that keeps being brought to my attention. Clearly it needs to be shared. For many months now, the topic of adopted pets and adopted children, and how they are often seen as the same, has followed me like a mosquito in June. The big fellas, you know, the loud high pitched sound passing your ear right before they find your neck?

The topic frustrates me and honestly, the “dog rescuers” point is so far out there that I’ve simply written about it personally and have chosen to move on, to ignore. After a few weeks and more folks who “adopted” their dogs the issue buzzed in my head even more.  “Eh, to each their own,” I shrugged at the end of that day.

A month passed and while volunteering for a local rescue the leadership at the nonprofit actually proclaimed that adopting an animal and a child was the same; “Adopting a pet is exactly the same as adopting a child, they are family members getting a forever home.”  Or “furever” home as they often called it.

For example, this was written:

“You can’t expect to just walk in and adopt a "perfect" dog, just imagine if you are adopting a CHILD from a family, an adoption agency, or from another country, there is going to be medical needs, small or large its comes along with saving a life.”

Her point originated from folks having issues with the rescue, feeling as if the rescue sold a sick dog, etc. However, she does continue on with the topic of relinquishment, both pet and child. Her point was to create this image for adopters so they would do and spend whatever necessary to keep, care for, teach/train their beloved new family member, Fido.

I’ve since decided that my volunteer time and money could be used for better things than this particular nonprofit. (There were many issues, concerns, not just this one.)

Welcome 2014 and new disappointing comments on the topic from people connected to children and adults who were adopted.  A friend of a friend compared her dog to her adopted child and the love and ease of being together was stronger with her dog.  Yes, seriously. And then the proverbial straw came recently when this was written, “Giving a dog a ‘forever home’ is the same as giving one to a child.” 

I’m beginning to wonder if there isn’t a bigger problem than these key words or phrases that poke at my soul. Have we as a society begun to devalue our children?  I mean even more than we already have…  In AZ the number of children in foster care has risen, deaths at the hand of a parent/caretaker are up, and we all know about the problems in AZ with child welfare.  I can’t bring myself to even type out CPS, because there are simply too many not being protected. The name of the agency has become (far too often) a sick joke. Has the pendulum swung back to where we focus primarily on animal welfare? Long ago there was no “child welfare agency,” we only had the Humane Society.  Decades ago the majority didn’t need to be told to care for their children, or to love and protect them. We evolved into a world where it became necessary to police the treatment of children. As a whole, we needed far more than the Humane Society for animals.

While I believe in caring for animals (and their protection) they are not more important than our children.  Fido, Princess, and Fluffy are not going to grow up to be our doctors, nurses, teachers, or President.  They aren’t sent to school or raised to be the best fur-person they can be.  They are happy to see us, they provide great companionship, but they don’t learn from Dr. Oz that they are at risk for dying young from obesity because their human gives too many treats.

While the term “Adopt” has been utilized to find more owners for pets, cleaning teams for roads, and even provide gifts for a low income family at Christmas; the word adoption is defined by Merriam-Webster as the act or process of adopting a child. (Yes, there are other meanings such as adopting the act or process of beginning to use something new.) However, adoption and adopting are first and foremost about a child, a human being.

The stray dog that was kept, the sick cat left in an abandoned home that was rescued, the horse purchased- these are all pets. Our animal friends that we love, adore, spoil, save, cuddle, train, and become attached to are, pets. They live shorter life spans, limited reasoning… must I go on?

Pet (noun): a domestic or tamed animal or bird kept for companionship or pleasure and treated with care and affection.

Do we spend more time as we get older with pets than our children? Yes. I get it, I feel it, I love my canine couch buddies. Do they provide companionship and great enjoyment? Yes. Are they more important or their lives worth more than a child’s? Absolutely not!

It is often about a new way to sell; ploys to get you to buy a dog or cat, to sponsor a highway, etc., but, realize it. And please, for the thousands of adopted people in the world, stop saying our adoption is the same as when you adopted your dog.

There can be no keener revelation of a society's soul than the way in which it treats its children.

Nelson Mandela

 

I haven’t written a blog here in some time, mostly due to life events, endeavors, and escapes.  With so many recent anniversaries and new insights, I feel compelled to share; and since September 5th is the anniversary of my mother’s passing- it’s a must.

Most of the time, I use this venue because I think I have something of value to convey, or want to discuss the complexity of being a late discovery adoptee.  I realize the majority of people know nothing about being an “LDA” so my thought is- to share is to teach.  It would be a better world if in the future all adoptive parents told their children the truth about their beginning.  However, today I write about healing.  We all need it, we all have challenges that are speed humps or mountains and to move forward is to learn, accept, and heal.

Five years ago my life was a moving wheel of turmoil; it was one thing after another for several months. I had a deeply painful span (which was coming to a head) with one of the most important people in my life, all the while I lived with/cared for my terminally ill mother who I learned was not my biological mother at all. There were money and health challenges, catastrophic losses amid anniversaries, birthdays, and even a wedding. It was a mine field for me to maneuver, yet all I wanted was safety and to know that I was loved. One of the key relationships in my life, the one with my mother, was at the core of breaking my spirit and sense of self. But, it was for the last time. The anger component fueled me like a fight with a strength that made me feel I could get through anything, but in the quiet spaces my own mortality masked some of the day’s emotional gain.  Providing hospice was a new experience with new feelings.  I’ll never hear a wheeze or rattled breath-tone again without being drawn back to that moment at her bedside. Thankfully her passing was swift, but unfortunately the sights and sounds of her last days are part of my memory.  (Clearly so, since I’m still discussing it five years later.) I did exactly what she wanted and I am proud of the daughter I was for her.

Good news! For me, at my core is faith. He brought me to it; He will bring me through it. That having been said, it doesn’t happen while you sit idly by waiting for relief.

These past five years have been healing and life affirming.  Both can happen when a baby is born into a family.  The much anticipated life added to our family, in the form of an incredible soul with a bright spirit, is my granddaughter, Everleigh (I call her my Grand one.) Healing from loss and deep wounds can be tricky. I feel that love is the winning way to manage, and I have that in spades thanks to my husband, daughter (& spouse), son (& girlfriend), and Grand one.  Living in the moment with them, makes for an incredibly rich journey.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also, healing has happened between Mother and me, with the occasional revelation or setback. I have to assume those happen because I need to remember and deal with them. It’s an ongoing process, which makes sense considering I had 43 years with my mother, and now 5 without her.  She’s not a present participant in this game, but I finally figured out that she doesn’t have to be.  Like other irresolvable difficulties, she gets handed over to God. The more I’ve learned to do that, the better life gets.

Recently, a website was brought to my attention; Emerging from Broken, from surviving to thriving on the journey to wholeness.   http://emergingfrombroken.com/  While I knew I was on the journey of healing, I realized from their counsel that some parts are still broken. They were mostly perceptions I held, unknowingly, that I needed to see – they required attention and action. From adoption loss to abuse, you may find this website to be very helpful.  They are also on Facebook and have excellent daily quotes. 

If you are interesed in my memoir, "Late Discoveries" published in 2011, you can now get a free sample from Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00607VDKI/ref=rdr_kindle_ext_tmb 

Join me on Facebook, check out my website, or purchase a book. 

Late Discovery Adoptees have a whirl wind of emotions to navigate. In the beginning it is surreal and we each handle it differently. There comes a point where we all decide to move ahead. You simply cannot spend all your time in the past. Armed with a different sense of self, egg shells all around family members, hope and honor teeter and totter to start the motion. 

Yup, that’s Hope on the left with Honor on the right. :)

It’s a place to begin and enjoy the fresh air and the movement. This leads to venturing out away from the past. In all seriousness, the day comes when all LDA’s would love nothing more than the experience to be over. A flip of a switch to the off position, to an end, yet it’s a choice we don’t have. It is never over.

Just when you think you’ve remembered every event, story, and feeling… new revelations can pop-up at any time. This happened to me just after Mother’s Day. 

I didn’t “officially” learn I was adopted until my kids were grown, and I didn’t realize how I was manipulated by my mother until the truth came out. There were hints of maneuvering, yet I always aimed to please.

Mother’s Day 2013, while soaking up love and feeling great appreciation for my adult kids, I remembered events from many years ago in which we celebrated my mother. I had forgotten the way I required my kids to be overly pleasing to their grandmother.  (Very overly pleasing, to put it mild.) How could I have done that?

I adored my kids beyond explanation yet I let her speak cruelly to them when they were small. Why did I insist they care so much for “Gram’s” feelings? It continued as they got older with cards/gifts and I insisted they treat her like a queen. I guess what she thought of me, of my kids, etc. meant more to me than I care to admit. I’m actually embarrassed as I recall events. Her approval, her way of love, was some sort of addiction-like behavior for me, possibly. But why? And did my mother create the cycle? And why did she never care to know what was real?

Thank God it’s over and the cycle is broken. My kids live and love honestly, authentically, and the manipulation has ended with that relationship. I have no clue how it happened but I can see the time and space is sucked out of our lives, and for what, to please one person? Events like that ruin any chances of living in the moment or truly loving one another.  Rather, Stage A and Act V is over. Much of each individuals’ personality went unseen in favor of the act.      

As more and more folks learn of their beginnings and adoption status it becomes clear that Late Discovery Adoptees continue the rest of their lives discovering, sometimes re-discovering events. Some dismiss our childhood experiences as “normal.” However, in the LDA community we have learned that children are parented differently when such an enormous secret and lie are at the core.

A group of us (yes, there are many) recently agreed that we often endured the process of, “Gaslighting.” 

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

Adoptive parents, their families and friends all need to be aware that keeping ones identity from them is wrong. Children need to be told about their beginning and adoption status at an early age. Period. If you think you may be adopted or you're a LDA not connected with a group, join us!   Late Discovery Adoptees & Family on facebook. 

  

I've learned to let precious moments fill me rather than spending any time imprisoned by the past.

Here's a quick video of my baby grand daughter and her big new laugh.

It seems as though baby boomer grandparents are more thrilled about the next generation than grandparents from the 50's. An article from Grandparents.com looks at this fascinating theory. From where I stand, its true, I am beyond thrilled to have a grandbaby.

I'm a new baby boomer grandparent ("Gran") since September 1, 2012 and I didn't realize how much she would affect my life. She's like this little beacon of hope, a spark to show how anything is possible. She reminds me of what joy is and and this little tiny person lights up the room as she enters. (Even when she's asleep.)

I've spent the last few years, pre grand baby, discussing best practices in adoption, supporting legislative change for adult adoptees to have access to their original birth certificate, and promoting the need for education on all sides of adoption. Not to mention sharing my own book Late Discoveries. Adoption is an enormously complex issue. One I've gotten a bit mired down in, emotionally. When you work in "it" a lot of the time there is the tendency, on occasion, to focus on your own path or story. This can lead to re-examination, comparisons to others, and a general sit-a-spell in the past; even when you are aware that the present is where it's at. 

There's a lot of dark in this world, pain, and many obstacles ahead. I've learned to cherish the good, the gifts, living in the moment, and have faith that the bad won't last long. The saying, "This too shall pass" is true of the good and the bad.  

Since learning I was adopted, about 3 1/2 years ago, I've made many friends in the adoption community. Mothers who relinquished or lost children to adoption are some of the most amazing women I know, they've helped me to understand my mother who I can only hope to meet in heaven one day. Other adoptees, especially those of us who learned the secret of a lifetime, have given me a connection (and validation) I can't get anywhere else. I hope I will always have this bond to my dear friends in the adoption community. Most especially, I  deeply appreciate the amazing group of people who make up the American Adoption Congress, and those who are part of my local support group, AZ Adoption Circle.

If you're part of the adoption community you'll want to be a part of AAC and take advantage of what they offer, such as the next international conference coming up in April. Their website is filled with resources, you can learn about the conference, and be sure to check them out on Facebook. After March I will leave the board of directors and no longer be their nartional Secretary. The doors and windows will be open to the creative breezes and I'll be cherishing each moment with my granddaughter. 

 

 

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. Historically, the purpose was to draw attention to children in foster care and their need for permanency. Bravo to then Governor Dukakis in 1976 for getting things moving.

Today, the campaign is used widely and for a host of opportunists—whether it’s an unethical agency trying to increase revenue or Petsmart promoting pet adoption. We’ve blurred the intention of adoption awareness and moved, in many ways, the wrong direction.

There are children in foster care who desperately need a family, and while this is true today more than ever, most of us are aware of this fact. We know that parents, mentors, respite providers, volunteers, and increased funding sources are all needed. This is not to be diminished; it’s just not the focus of this blog. Foster Focus Magazine is terrific resource that is all about foster care.

What needs attention is the importance of honesty in every aspect of adoption.

Mothers need support and the truth about all their options. Adoption may not be the best, it certainly shouldn’t always be the goal.Adoptive parents need better in-depth education, and the truth about a child’s history. We want them to be a successful family.And finally, at the center is the adopted child. The new baby, toddler, or school age child requires a lot at every stage as they grow to become an adult; however, at the forefront they must be raised honestly.

For more information about understanding the adopted infant, click here.

What has often been missed, forgotten, or dismissed is the child’s natural desire for the truth about their beginning. At appropriate times they must be told they’re adopted and given information about their biological family and history.  Never finding the right time is not an option.

“If you don’t know your family’s history, then you don’t know anything. You are a leaf that doesn’t know it is part of a tree.”  -Michael Crichton

Be aware—an adopted child is an individual with their own unique family history. A baby is not a purchased item like a dining room chair ready for Thanksgiving. Even if they look “new” they are not, babies come pre-packaged with family genetics and history. While we know they don’t come with instructions, if they did it might read something like this:

How to love and raise me, your adopted child:

 Care for me to your very best ability. Protect me from harm. Help me grow to my greatest potential. As I get older, tell me about everything that is unique to me; my beginning, how I came to you, and all you know about my history. (This will help with number three.) 

Please share your awareness of the need for honesty in adoption this November.

A new quality book for those hoping to have children naturally or through adoption is Parenting for Peace by Dr. Marcy Axness.

Visit my website; www.latediscoveries.com

I also serve on the board of directors for American Adoption Congress. 

Our campaign this year is:

Adoption: No Secrets. No Fear.

Join in November for a discount!

For more information/support-

Sunflower’s http://www.bmom.net/ 

Concerned United Birth Parents http://www.cubirthparents.org/ 

Adoptive Families Support http://adoptivefamilies.com/support_group.php

To find a local meet up support group for all click here. 

Every writer at every stage is much like a beautifully crafted diamond, multi faceted.  Like artists, poets, and sculptors we have a creative side that needs to be expressed. At times its imperative, like air or water.  Yes, for some, writing is that intense.  I have come to witness many new facets as I try to define who I am as a writer and pinpoint exactly what I need.

Seeking to define brought me back to an old friend, at least he feels like an old friend.  He is David Biespiel, author of "Every Writer Has a Thousand Faces."  Whatever artistic avenue you blend with, this book may be helpful to you.  

David shares:

“One’s initial sense of ambition as a writer naturally gives way to time, and what you realize is, it isn’t mere ambition to be a writer that matters.  You realize that what is driving you all this time is compulsiveness.  So you build narratives that come out of the reoccurring seasons of life and memory and projection.  You sketch poems in the voice of King Phillip V of Spain.  You chalk out screenplays about growing up on a commune and becoming a stockbroker.  You write and write and write and have no idea what it is you’re making or whether it’s any good.  And whether you publish any of this or not, the same impulse always exists: to write.  It’s what calls you to the page.  It’s what makes you feel poorly when you haven’t been writing in a while.  It’s one of the things that define you personally as a human being- inside of yourself, your inner self, and your sense of being a writer.  It’s one of the thousand faces you wear to make a record of having lived. “

For the purpose of this blog, I’ll be focusing on writing.

Here’s the news about my journey as a writer so far; it’s always been a part of me and I denied it for a long time.  And, I was “off” for a long time.  I tried to fill its void with other things, bought into why I wasn’t a writer according to some, and kept on truckin’ (off – but truckin’).  Only when I had the personal story of a life time did I wake up and let myself be a writer.  Oh you won’t read about me winning awards or see a big display of my book between Fifty Shades of Grey and Elton John’s new memoir.  Did I expect more?  Well, maybe something more.  To say I’m thankful for the Zon(Ama) and Kindle would be less than true, I’m overjoyed and deeply grateful! However, I've realized sales aren’t the point.

In the book, Every Writer Has…

>Alert! Vital discovery ahead…

David Biespiel writes:

“This compulsion (to write) won’t go away.  You have the opportunity while you’re alive to respond to it. Question is:  What will you do? I believe that writing and living a creative life requires two things, ambition and discipline.  Trust this fact:  Before you wrote your latest poem, story, or essay, it never existed before in the history of time or the history of humanity.  Never existed.  Until you made it.”

Blogs written, comments made, articles, personal stories, quotes, and my book- Late Discoveries would not have existed without me.  I am but a speck in this world, but I’ve created much.  I am no longer “off.”

Think about what you’ve created, in addition to a family or home, and realize your creative impact.  Astonishing.  Important.  Words can be like presents; you give a gift freely and then it is no longer yours.  It came from you, but now belongs to the recipient and they may copy it on a note card, pin it to the wall, or whatever.  Whether a gift you give someone is a fine crystal vase or a meaningful quote, you never know where your gift will take the new owner or what joy it could bring.

You see, the compulsion to write (or paint, sculpt, create music) is indeed part of who we are.  It falls in line with being good at sports, a skilled craftsman, at one with ocean life, or many other individual components we all have as human beings.  We each have talents that come natural to us.  I see our journey in life to explore and find those gifts.  Stretch, fine tune or expand them as well. There is no end-game, status, or arriving at the destination that makes it worthwhile.  Each day is the destination.  Each word I put on this page has never been here before.  A beautiful song or a striking painting would never be if not for the creative minded people we share this world with.  Among other priceless things in our lives we must count our individual talents/gifts.

With love and appreciation for everyone who’s ever shared their creativity; I’m better for what you’ve given, and live with joy because of your gifts.  Let’s keep it going, live inspired!

Dr. Robert Holden, Ph.D. wrote a book that came out last year, Shift Happens.  I think it was intended just for me.  If you've ever thought, I'll be happy when________, or felt like something is wrong or missing - then he wrote it for you too.

My big take away: Don't let something that happened to you become all that you are. 

I’ve always dealt with nightmares; as a kid I was plagued with their intensity and realism.  I have learned to maneuver in them as an adult until the day the nightmare emerged in full sun. A simple accident while swimming turned into a flashback. They are real!  Memories like electricity thru my nerve endings flooded in.  I couldn’t breathe.  My memory of panic without air shot into my mind creating the same gasps in the pool as I choked and coughed out the water.  How could this be?  I love my daily swim, how could I have been held under water as a kid and not remember?

Everything within me was turned on end.  No choosing to be happy, no more putting bad things aside in a corner, no more options for my chin to the sunshine.  It wasn’t possible; my heart, soul, and mind were filled with shrapnel and debris as memories surfaced.  I was done, checked out… over.

I reached out, learned more about repressed memories and some calmness returned.  Soon I found my way to Dr. Robert Holden via a simple “like” on my friend, Colleen’s facebook page.  We were set for a trip to the beach to help me ease the pain when I clicked over to Amazon, 1-click and moments before we left, Shift Happens was at my front door, ready for me. What I thought might be a way to stay positive turned into the perfect book for the moment.

Toes in the sand, this is what grabbed me: (shared from Shift Happens, some paraphrasing.)

The fear that something is wrong with you is the greatest block to joy.  In truth, there is no other block.For as long as you can feel there is something wrong, bad, lacking, or not good enough about you, your life with reflect this belief.Often we are condemning and sabotaging all that is good.

I’m refraining from telling each glorious detail and realization for privacy, however, as some one who found out she was adopted, I do wish to share the following-

First, there is nothing wrong with me or you. The Dr. recommends-

Be sure to empty your bowl of yesterday’s rice. 

I’ve stared so long now at the many sides of adoption, all while learning about my own beginning, that I got lost and prevented me from truly being me.  (Identity crisis!)  And when a repressed memory surfaced it almost did me in.  Now, full circle, the found memory was essential.  Painful, yet essential, and now I'm moving forward.

Before going any further here’s a bit of history; Arizona does not allow adopted people to have a copy of their actual birth certificate.  AZ is a closed state which to us who were born here and adopted feels like, in regards to our identity and beginning, we are faced staring at a brick wall.   We have other ways to find biological familial connections, but they are often taxing and not 100%. The bricks can stack up on the wall quickly, making for feelings of isolation. 

There is no film of our beginning that we can order, so we’re subjected to the desires of many others. We have to take what they want to share; limited info, skewed stories, admissions of forgetting, and sometimes lies and denial. Occasionally, it works out and the wall crumbles down and reunions can happen that are fulfilling and wonderful. Other times, rows and rows get added to the wall.  It gets so high it feels insurmountable.  Depressing.

But, here’s a good question; who knows what’s on the other side?  Right?  It could be a brick wall built on a cliff with a 200ft drop-off.  And yes, it may be built right in front of a magic kingdom. No matter what’s there we can’t live wondering or fantasizing. Then we are no longer living in the present at that point.

For the past three years I have felt there is a wall that blocks what I seek.  Until the day I woke up and five words appeared on my wall.   Almost graffiti like~

You are what you seek.

We all know that we can’t change another person, we can only change.  And we’ve heard, “Happiness comes from within,” along with, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” 

Yes, you are what you seek. I thought,  Oh my God, how did I get here?  Seriously, how did I become so lost?

What I learned early on is that adoption is complex, at the very least.  But being a late discovery adoptee tends to put one in a position of uncovering more secrets, families often let slip a little more detail here, another family secret there.  It can feel never ending.  When your history has been kept from you, it sends you flying out of the atmosphere.  With no gravity, not to mention – air, with many of us sort of lost in space.  We get stuck somewhere between the earth and moon, and are unsure how to find our lives in the world. Know that we can all get back, we just can’t ever give up.   

Often, many adoptees have inherent challenges at different points in their life.  Identity issues and problems with trust, just to name a few.  We often boil in the frustration of not having any control for a very long time; choices, actions, decisions happened to us, and we had absolutely no voice. It’s always important to remember that how you were treated is not who you are.  Occasionally we hang on to some of their treatment and get stuck in our own heads.  That’s where the real battle is, in our minds.

I don’t think you can truly live in the moment carrying a satchel of yesterday’s pain.  One must lift the flap, dump it and sort it out, and let the clean space welcome the present.  Don’t carry around the past, empty yesterday’s rice, be free and open to abundance today.

And finally-

Buddhists say that attachment is the source of all suffering in this world.  This is especially true of attachment to suffering.  Whatever you identify with you attract more of.  Ask, what am I attracting today?We become attached to suffering not because we like it, but because it feels familiar.  Sometimes problems aren’t fixed, they are simply outgrown.  You need to leave them behind.For healing, one must give up the attachment to the self that has made mistakes, that has been abused, that was betrayed, that was rejected, that has been victimized, and that was lied to.

Shift Happens also explains that you are not the things you’ve suffered.  Rather, by being afraid, you are simply “with fear.”  It is important to distinguish between experiences and identity.   I was with great sadness and felt heartbroken at the end of my mother’s life when I learned I was adopted, but I am not sad or living in the present with the pain any longer.  I know that I am what I seek. 

Truth is here, inspiration is here, love is here, peace is here, help is here, and God (or what you believe) is here – all because I am here.  (And this is for all us!)

Try this exercise today, recommended by Dr. Holden~

Close your eyes, be still, and take in a deep breath.  Picture a beautiful healing light shining into your mind and heart so there are no dark corners left.  Imagine the screen of your mind completely clear.  A large blank artists canvas.  Now you can insert a belief or scene.  Play out a love story, a success story, an enlightenment story, choose your belief, run the film, and then live your life.The unconscious mind communicates mostly with metaphor, dream and story.  It enjoys these types of meditations/visualization much more than conscious logic. 

Today will not be any better than my thoughts.   I want a great happy day.  I choose joy, love, and creativity.  Chores show the abundance in my life; they are all good.  I choose to not carry the past, as I want to be free to new ideas and ways to create abundance in my life.

You can see how focusing on the past really needs to have a shelf life, even in adoption.  The things that were done to me, or how I was manipulated – they don’t belong to me in today.  Even if one day I found a kingdom on the other side of the brick wall, it isn’t who I am.  It could be a connection to my history and hopefully a new family member that I can get to know. 

Sharing the stories of my discovery was to help validate the late discovery experience for others who’ve been through similar events.  It was all me in the moment stretching my wings; creating a wonderful book while learning about my mother who gave birth to me, helping others by sharing my story, and raising awareness to the need for honesty in adoption.  I am always going to be open to helping other late discovery adoptees and sharing what I learned.  My story and yours is from yesterday, always remember - live in today, it is number one!

Thank you to Colleen Campbell for your friendship and always being open, and for the “like” on your facebook page which lead me to Shift Happens by Dr. Robert Holden. 

Being willing to show up differently is what makes something different happen.  BE the difference you are looking for.

It may have taken three lefts to get there, but I am indeed headed right, in the proper direction.  Now, is the best time of my life.

The first "left" came after missing great family times.  I was doing laundry when I was taken back to a boat ride in the darkness.  My heart dropped right back to 1997 thanks to the photos hanging in my laundry room from a trip to Disney Land and The Pirates of the Caribbean Ride. 

I remember doing cartwheels in the near-vacant streets of the most magical place on earth.  It was our first visit and ever single ride and attraction was the coolest! Nothing since has been more joyful for me.  After leaving Mickey, we went on a mission, an awesome beach seeking mission.  It was time for the kids to meet the beach and all its splendor.  We wanted to find a beach town that was brand new to all of us.  (If you've done that as well, no matter what beach, isn't that something?)  

We drove up 133 South, the highway turned into Broadway as we entered this new incredible place.  And then, I don't remember moving or blinking.  It was as if time slowed, and then stopped. We were face to face with the horizon, main beach and  the ocean in full view.  Perfection.  We were all shamazed, both shocked and amazed! (Hayden's word.)  It also felt like we were keenly aware of the priceless moment and how Laguna Beach would be a part of our lives and many future visits.

In the laundry room surrounded by dirty towels and these memories, tears filled my eyes as I deeply missed that family, that time.  I need to stay present, I still have so much, I thought. It was that realization that became the "left" turn.  That family is still in my life and I love them to the moon and back. The kids are grown, but I feel confident as life rolls on that the four of us, along with their significant others, will always be connected.

Like planets beyond the moon, much of my extended family is now very far away. We've all been through some major changes which began around the time my mother passed away nearly 4 years ago.  It's clear to me that she was only visible in an artificial way, like through slides of a View Master. 

The last half of her life, for the most part, people only saw what she wanted them to see; only what she had prepared for viewing, one slide at a time.  At every turn the list of things to hide and her deep flaws grew.  Simultaneously, her attention and focus was mostly on the nearest stars in her life.  They'd been there from the beginning and she knew them well.  Her ancestry, stories of the old days, and events including her parents were all vibrant images that she offered to anyone looking. 

But, she was hiding a dark side, so many secrets with lies to cover lies.   A big one was me; I was the secret, the lie of a life time.  I wasn't born under the circumstance I was always told.  I didn't have my family's genetics or traits, nor their medical history.  I was adopted and brought to live with the family when I was a month old.  She painted a different picture; there was Bobby and Susie, a dog, a white picket fence, and a perfect family.  It was not.  Only the true "View Master" knows each and every detail, He knows the heart and motivations of my mother. 

This truth and reality storm was also the cause of some planets fleeing out of my universe, a voluntary Pluto-move, if you will.  Things will never be the same and I can't bring back someone who doesn't want back.  I  can only be patient and hope for a better connection in the future.  I have today and what's left of the storm, leaving me to play; blocked-memory catch up, family feud-ing, who's my daddy, and patience is a virtue (with my birth aunt, Deb.)  Hopefully, she thinks it’s a virtue as well and is able to hang in there.

While I share (or indulge to describe) some of how I've been wronged in my universe, I know I am not alone, many in the adoption community, or "tribe" as Dr. Estes calls it, have suffered a broad range of challenges.  There are also those with deep hard-ships and losses.  The next "left" happened in realizing the need for more letting go.  It's always the past that grows like a virus, and I find I'm unaware of it until the right cosmic event.  While I want to recall with joy, that family, it did take me back to other difficult times that need to be released. 

The reason I feel this is the best time of my life, and also my final "left" turn, is explained by this quote:

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

~Eleanor Roosevelt

I dream of a life filled with grandchildren and all the love and laughter that comes with that family of mine. I dream of helping other's, most especially adopted and fostered youth. And, finally, I dream of the  glorious day when all adopted adults have the right to their own original birth certificate.  By having the OBC-key, we can unlock our ancestry, genetics, and the often vital medical family history.  Adopted people deserve to have those things available, just the same as the non-adopted.

With my life today and my dreams; it is indeed the best time.  I choose it. 

However, hear me preach as if I stand above you (bible in hand.) This goes out to the, "But you had a good life" folks: 

Just because I am who I am now, choosing to be happy, grateful, and hopeful, does not mean that my adoptive mother did anything right! 

The two are separate; my mother and her choices and who I am today!  I have indeed put down the View Master!

Stay present (let go of the past,) do things you love, open your eyes to the best times of your life; it could  be right now, today!

I'm different; it's as if I was born-again the day I learned I was adopted.  So, really I'm about three and half years old now... and yes, marshmallows are even more fabulous than before.  I'm trying new things, discovering so much, and feeling my independence. 

For instance, have you been amazed by a humming bird lately? 

 

 

 

Or really marveled in the details of a flower?

 

 

 

 

 My identity was entangled in my adoptive family, only that which was vital to me came to the surface.  My foster care focus was like scarlet strands oozing from my play dough press when I was a kid. I always knew I'd be a foster mother. It was a direct path for me and it didn't matter that my family didn't "get it." I was 27 when we first started and it fit like a glove. Oh, I understand now why it made my mother uncomfortable, but I didn't have a clue what a "rub" it was at the time.

Can you imagine; a woman adopts, keeps it a secret, only to have to her daughter be obsessed with helping foster kids?

I imagine most adoptees feel an added dimension to their life when they learn of where they came, who their first mother was, and of their genetic links.  In time, we all want to know about our biological family.  Who wouldn't want to see themselves reflected back, even if it's just through a picture? 

But, what if a picture isn't enough?  What if you find yourself desperate to know more about your family?  No matter how easy it seems to put those desires on a shelf, many adoptees find the desires right at their feet, daily.  We wonder...  Maybe there's someone like me?  Or a family that needs me? A sister waiting for me?  A place I belong...

Often times, we find what we need but not what we wanted.  I didn't need those things, I needed to find me, put my identity-pieces together and be who I am supposed to be in this world.  One thing is for sure, I'm a Late Discovery Adoptee who feels a sense of belonging with other LDA's, www.latediscoveries.com , and in the adoption community. Together we advocate for all adoptees to have access to their original birth certificate. The American Adoption Congress has a new messaging campaign, ADOPTION:  NO SECRETS. NO FEAR.  Amen!  Now lets change laws in all states and promote openness and honesty in adoption!

We deserve to find our connections in this world, but I acknowledge that our first family has equal rights in deciding whether or not they want a relationship.  Trust me, an adoptee knows going in that it may go well, may go poorly, or it may not go at all.  To say we anticipate knowing our family is an understatement!  For me, it didn't go at all, as my mother is deceased, and then it went from okay to poorly with the rest.  I publicly shared their "likeness" - if you will, in my memoir, Late Discoveries, An Adoptees Quest for Truth.  A few were not happy, and couldn't see the rest of the book, or me - only their dysfunction on a few pages.  I had to share their issues because life is that way; adult adopted people search and sometimes find families with real challenges and socially muddied lives. (To be clear, their names, details, dates, and places were all changed to protect their privacy.) 

In my bright, new and inviting world of nearly four years, I refused to sit in the corner with a pile of disappointment, broken things, and missing pieces.  Even if that is what my birth family would have preferred.    

Many adopted people "found," and have yet to find disappointment, it's the way things go. Maybe my story can be a support, a friendly arm around a shoulder or by-your-side affirmation. Together we can use what we find as a guide to our best path.  Maybe it's not what we wanted, but truly what we need.

Through finding broken pieces we learn what we need in order to go our own gifted-way.  And, I'm thankful for it all.

         

 

 

Life is amazing, be sure to show up!