Autumn Brown's Blog - Posts Tagged "surprise"

Feeling lots of raw emotions today. My daughter informed us that she's joining the Army. Holy crap! You could have knocked us over with a feather. She's an adult, but she's still my baby. Maybe it’s because she’s the baby and she’s my last one. Maybe I’ve babied her too much and that’s why she feels the need to break free and fly so far away on her own. Maybe she thinks she has something to prove to me, to us, or to herself. She’s so excited and so proud of herself, but all I feel is loss and depression and total despair. I wish I could make the pain go away. It hurts so badly, or I think it does. Then I realize that I probably don’t know pain like I’ll know it in a month or two when she hasn’t called in a month, and I have no idea where she is, or how she is, or if she’s safe. I have nightmares about her shooting herself with a gun, or not letting go of the grenade on time, or hurting herself seriously in some kind of exercise, and of them not treating her right. I mean to them, she’s just another soldier, expendable, easily replaced by the next girl full of dreams of serving her country, but to me, she’s my life. I’ve lived my life for both of my girls. I had to focus everything on them for us to survive.

I don’t know how this story will end. I guess no mother knows for sure. Hoping for the best, and learning to let go. I hope that I’ve taught my daughter well enough that she can survive on her own, and that she will make good choices on her own from here on out.