Autumn Brown's Blog

I am single now, just having left a 22 year relationship. It was a hard decision, but I finally decided that it had to be made after years of unhappiness due to abuse of every kind, and constant lies. I couldn't live like that any longer. If anyone else out there needs help, please get it. There is hope, and there is a way out. I'm much happier now that I'm not being hit, or threatened, or called stupid, or ugly, or any other name he could come up with at the moment. The words hurt almost as much as the fists, the knives, and the guns. Like I said, I'm happier now.

I'm sorely lacking in reviews on Amazon. If anyone would like to review my books there, please do so. Also, if anyone would like a free copy of my YA novel, "Spencer's Face", I will send it to you, hoping you'll do a review in return. Just let me know if you're interested.
Spencer's Face

Thank you,
Autumn Brown

Feeling even more raw as the time gets nearer. She’ll be under someone else’s watchful eye. I just hope they lookout for her safety as much as I do. I’m counting the days until she checks in for Basic Training. Soon I’ll be down to counting hours, and I’m dreading that feeling. Time is running out for our girl time. We shop, go out to eat, and go see girl movies. We won’t get that nearly as often, and not for quite a while. I’ll miss that, but I’ll be worried sick about how she’s doing on her own, with strangers. I’m so raw inside. I feel like I’ve been skewered and put on the grill, waiting for someone to light the fire. This is a horrible, miserable feeling, and I don’t like it at all. She’s on edge constantly. I’m on edge. Her dad is on edge. He’s finally decided that he doesn’t want her to go. We’ve tried bribing her, but that doesn’t work. She’s determined to do this on her own, to make it on her own, and make her own way. One thing is for sure—I’ve raised a headstrong girl. She has stood up for herself more these past few weeks, than I’ve ever seen her stand up for herself. She’s becoming her own woman, and growing her own wings, and flying in her own sky. I guess it’s not right for me to want to hold her down, hold her back, protect and guard her. I have no choice but to let her go. This is what she wants to do, and I have to let her do it. Getting out of her way is proving to be way harder than I thought it would be.

Feeling lots of raw emotions today. My daughter informed us that she's joining the Army. Holy crap! You could have knocked us over with a feather. She's an adult, but she's still my baby. Maybe it’s because she’s the baby and she’s my last one. Maybe I’ve babied her too much and that’s why she feels the need to break free and fly so far away on her own. Maybe she thinks she has something to prove to me, to us, or to herself. She’s so excited and so proud of herself, but all I feel is loss and depression and total despair. I wish I could make the pain go away. It hurts so badly, or I think it does. Then I realize that I probably don’t know pain like I’ll know it in a month or two when she hasn’t called in a month, and I have no idea where she is, or how she is, or if she’s safe. I have nightmares about her shooting herself with a gun, or not letting go of the grenade on time, or hurting herself seriously in some kind of exercise, and of them not treating her right. I mean to them, she’s just another soldier, expendable, easily replaced by the next girl full of dreams of serving her country, but to me, she’s my life. I’ve lived my life for both of my girls. I had to focus everything on them for us to survive.

I don’t know how this story will end. I guess no mother knows for sure. Hoping for the best, and learning to let go. I hope that I’ve taught my daughter well enough that she can survive on her own, and that she will make good choices on her own from here on out.