Sam Owen's Blog

Weddings, Funerals and Fantasies

Weddings don’t always go to plan but those ‘oh my God’ moments might provide you with some learning or laughter long-term.

Tune into bite-sized advice you can apply to your own life, whilst also enjoying some funny moments to lighten your day.

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More Uplifting Help For Life Changes

See the full podcast here or listen in wherever you get your podcasts: The Overshare with Gemma Atkinson – ‘When Weddings Go Wrong’ – S2 E9.

 

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Considering A Dramatic Exit Or Drastic Life Change

In a world filled with too much noise, here are 5 short snippets of advice mixed in with laughter to help you think about your life and any drastic, or dramatic, changes you want to make.

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More Uplifting Help For Life Changes

Watch the full podcast here or listen in wherever you get your podcasts: The Overshare with Gemma Atkinson – ‘Dramatic Exits’ – S2 E7.

 

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Change Comes Bearing Gifts

Asking your partner to change something can feel scary, fraught with danger even, but in romantic relationships you both have to ask for what you want and need if you want to continue growing together.

And because as humans you’re both evolving, so is your relationship, and if you’re in a happy, healthy relationship, it will always be evolving for the better.

Think of any long lasting relationship in your life, like wonderful old friendships. You’ve watched each other grow in your own way, and you’ve evolved your relationship together. It’s a beautiful thing.

Your personal evolution happens because life happens. You learn something new about yourself, you learn more about your needs, you see your past more clearly, you let go of the characteristics that no longer serve you, you let go of people who sabotage your inner peace, and you look forward to a future that resonates with who you’ve become, who you want to be, and the life you want to lead.

And sometimes with that journey comes friction, personally and interpersonally, and a need for realignment with yourself and your loved ones. Both require honest communication, the first, with yourself, the second, with others. So you need to be authentic. (Self-)compassionately authentic with a view to creating positive change that maintains or strengthens your cohesion as a couple.

 

Being Honest Can Be Scary

Yes, speaking up to request a change can feel scary, though. So much can be at stake – you want your requests for change to lead to relationship satisfaction rather than dissatisfaction, closeness rather than distance, empowerment rather than disempowerment.

So do you speak up or do you shy away? The goal is to always speak up, compassionately, authentically, helpfully, lovingly, because the goal is to grow together and for that you have to nourish your relationship with honesty. Honesty is part of being trustworthy and being trustworthy is a must for a happy, healthy relationship.

And despite the concerns you may have about asking your partner to change something – how your comments may be taken, whether they’ll heed your request, whether it will reignite other unresolved issues within yourself or your relationship – new research suggests that you may be worrying unduly.

 

Relationship Honesty Confers Benefits

Now, before you go thinking about toning down your request for change, know this. Research finds that when (a) romantic partners feel they have honestly expressed their need for change and (b) the message-receiving partner perceives their partner as being honest:

both partners experience greater emotional wellbeing immediately after the discussion and long-term (3 months later);both partners experience greater relationship satisfaction immediately after the discussion;and the message-receiving partner is more motivated to change accordingly [1].

Importantly, this was the case when discussing difficult subjects.

So let these findings strengthen your courage if you are shying away from important topics, recognising that, despite your imagined fears, your honest request for change could actually increase both yours and your partner’s wellbeing and make you both feel happier about your relationship, and result in the changes you desire, or outright need.

The results make perfect sense, too, because when you are communicating a difficult request for change, you are demonstrating to your partner that you care about the state of your romantic relationship and your future together. You should be glad your partner cares enough to be asking for change, and you should be comfortable asking for change.

The time to actually worry is when you’re not talking to each other about anything important. That silence is an ‘I don’t care anymore’ or ‘I’ve lost hope’ signal. It takes a long time for couples to reach that point but once they do, it’s time for serious action.

So, on a lighter note, be absolutely clear that discussing your honest desires/needs for change is a great sign and a vital part of happy, lasting relationships. How else do you realign with yourself and your spouse as you evolve through life? How else do you fix things when your relationship has gotten off track?

And you need to do it because your partner isn’t psychic (most likely), doesn’t see the world and life in the exact same way you do, doesn’t have the same challenges or personal history that you do, and does not have the exact same needs as you.

If they truly care for you, they will want to know what will make you happier. If they deeply love you, they will want to ensure they do whatever they can to make the relationship work.

 

Communicate Compassionately

Communicating well is key for the health of your relationship, the health of your partner, your own health, and in order to achieve the desired outcome.

You should communicate compassionately at all times, but especially so when you’re broaching difficult conversations requesting change, and regardless of how frustrated, angry or hurt you’re feeling. I know it can be easier said than done, but kindness in communication does not rest on how you’re feeling.

I have clients who are the sweetest souls who lose their temper when disagreeing/arguing with their partner. This can be for a number of reasons.

For example, undergoing a lot of stress, retraumatisation due to current triggers that remind them of their past trauma, having (complex) post traumatic stress disorder, feeling repeatedly unheard or undervalued or overlooked, feeling worried/anxious about the future of the relationship and about their own future.

It happens, it’s not good, but it happens. But repeat unpleasant communication is bad for your physical health [2, 3], bad for your emotional wellbeing [3] and bad for your relationship [3].

And whilst you may not be surprised to learn that frequent anger in marital communication can potentially reduce your longevity [2], so too can suppressing your emotions rather than sharing them [4].

Sooo, you need to communicate your needs, and you need to communicate well. Not only for your health and wellbeing, but also for your partner’s health and wellbeing, for your relationship to keep evolving in a positive direction, and for you to keep growing stronger, happier and closer as a couple.

 

3 Tips To Move Your Tough Conversations Along

To learn how to communicate better with your spouse/partner, check out this self-help course I’ve designed for improving communication and, consequently, relationship satisfaction, but for now, allow me to share three brief tips to help you move things forward in your relationship, whatever you’re facing as a couple.

1. Start Now, Focus Forward

If you feel that you have a lot of unresolved issues that you’re not broaching, list them, and then pick one to discuss each week, or each fortnight if weekly feels too much right now. As per the study, be honest. And focus in the direction you want to go in: focus on your goals and desires rather than on your fears and dislikes.

2. Plan for Success

When discussing important topics, including when asking your spouse to change something, plan what you are going to say. Know what your desired outcome is and then work out what to say and how best to say it, in order to achieve your end goal. And remember, the end goal must be mutually beneficial in some way, even if the benefit to one partner is having a happy spouse, which will likely positively impact the other spouse’s happiness anyway [5].

3. Communicate Compassionately and Respectfully

There are several important traits to honour so that you communicate well but to simplify for now, keep these two in mind: be compassionate, be respectful. By keeping these two traits in mind, you’ll naturally behave in a relationship-serving and goal-serving manner. For example, being compassionate helps you to seek to understand and be gentle with whatever unexpected information or behaviour comes your way. Being respectful helps you to keep your partner receptive, and helps you to say sorry when you ought to.

 

Evolve, Realign, Benefit

You have to ask for what you want and need, and it’s better to be authentic and transparent than make your partner guess and wonder.

Take care of how you communicate because your communication style affects your conversational outcomes, and your health, wellbeing, and relationship satisfaction.

And remember, the more you communicate well, the more both your needs will be met, and the more well aligned as a couple you’ll be.

 

References

1. Le, B. M., Chee, P. X., Shimshock, C. J., & Le, J. D. V. (2025). Expressed and Perceived Honesty Benefits Relationships Even When Couples Are Not Accurate. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550624131...

2. Haase, C.M., Holley, S.R., Bloch, L., Verstaen, A., & Levenson, R.W. 2016. Interpersonal emotional behaviors and physical health: A 20-year longitudinal study of long-term married couples. Emotion, 16(7):965-77.

3. Shrout, M. R., Renna, M. E., Madison, A. A., Malarkey, W. B., & Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K. (2023). Marital negativity’s festering wounds: The emotional, immunological, and relational toll of couples’ negative communication patterns. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 149, 105989. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.20...

4. Chapman,B. P., Fiscella, K., Kawachi, I. Duberstein, P., Muennig, P. (2013). Emotion suppression and mortality risk over a 12-year follow-up. Journal of Psychosomatic Research 75(4): 381–385.

5. Hoppmann, C. A., Gerstorf, D., Willis,S. L., & Schaie, K. W. (2011).  Spousal interrelations in happiness in the Seattle Longitudinal Study: Considerable similarities in levels and change over time.  Developmental Psychology, 47 (1), 1-8.

 

60 Min. Video Coaching Session  How To Communicate Better With Your Spouse  How To Increase & Maintain Your Self-Worth  How To Have An Effortless Dating Journey

The post Research: Honesty Benefits Romantic Relationships In 3 Ways appeared first on Relationships Coach UK.

I joined the lovely Gemma Atkinson as the guest expert on her podcast again. In this episode of The Overshare with Gemma Atkinson, we listen to real life stories about weddings that don’t go quite as planned, and I, of course, share some insights and advice throughout, amidst our gasps and laughter.

Enjoy some food for thought and helpful advice as we listen to stories about a dismayed father of the bride, a maid of honour who doesn’t behave as you’d expect, guests that get up to embarrassing antics, and more.

Have a watch/listen to this podcast episode, ‘When Weddings Go Wrong’.

Available on all podcast platforms; here are links to the episode on Spotify and Apple; and you can watch the video version below.

 

 

Relationship Coaching Dating Coaching Anxiety Coaching Confidence Coaching

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Sooo, I had the privilege of joining the lovely Gemma Atkinson in her podcast, The Overshare with Gemma Atkinson, as the guest expert, to listen to real life stories, share advice, and have some laughs along the way.

It’s a truly entertaining listen/watch, because who doesn’t like to hear stories from the public that can help inspire thoughts and feelings of ‘me too’, ‘oh my gosh’, ‘bless them’, ‘that’s useful to know’, ‘that’s given me the motivation/inspiration/clarity I needed’, and ‘ha ha haaa, so funny’.

This episode is called ‘Dramatic Exits’. So, whether you’re considering one of your own or just want to hear real life stories and have a laugh, have a watch/listen.

Video below and available on all podcast platforms; here are links to the episode on Spotify and Apple.

 

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Commitment Readiness

Are you ready for love or not? Do you want to be in a committed romantic relationship but something’s holding you back? Is it imaginary or is it something you really need to resolve before you can move forward? These are questions you may have been pondering and if so, this new study may help you.

In a recent study, researchers set out to see whether singletons’ perception of their own readiness for a committed romantic relationship was similar to how ready for love their friends judged them to be; and whether those perceived by their friends to be insecurely attached (having either an anxious or avoidant attachment style) were also perceived as not ready for relationship commitment [1].

Commitment readiness determines things like whether a person seeks out romantic relationships in the first place; how they execute their dating journey; how they feel and behave when an opportunity for a committed relationship arises; and how they regulate their emotions, and behave, once in a serious romantic relationship.

Anxious attachment ‘is characterized by a preoccupation with the availability of close others and a hypervigilance to signs of rejection and abandonment.’ [1]

Avoidant attachment ‘is characterized by a discomfort of emotional and physical intimacy and the need for autonomy or independence (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2010).’ [1]

In the study, groups of four friends were utilised, with 193 friend quads, totalling 772 individuals.

Below, we’ll look at some of the researchers’ main findings and then discuss this in relation to you, your friends and your own commitment readiness.

 

Key Research Findings

1. Friends largely agreed on who was most ready for a relationship out of their friends, whilst there was less (but still moderate) agreement on their friends’ attachment style, suggesting that it may be easier for a person to detect a friend’s readiness for relationship commitment than it is to gauge a friend’s attachment style.

2. Although less than the friends’ agreement on a friend’s commitment readiness, there was still moderate agreement amongst friends on who had an anxious attachment style and who was more avoidantly attached than others.

3. For judgements on commitment readiness, there was strong self-other agreement thereby demonstrating that how people viewed their own commitment readiness tended to match how their friends viewed them too.

4. Although this self-other rating was substantially strong, when their perception of their own readiness differed from their friends’, people saw themselves as being higher in commitment readiness than their friends did.

5. For perception of attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance, self-other agreement (how people saw themselves and how their friends saw them) was moderately strong, not as strong as the overlap for commitment readiness but still moderately similar views of oneself compared with how friends viewed them.

6. When friends perceived a person as more anxiously attached or avoidantly attached, they also perceived them as less ready for relationship commitment.

7. When a person reported themselves as being more avoidantly attached, the less likely they were to feel ready for a committed relationship.

8. When friends saw another friend as ready for relationship commitment, they also tended to see that friend as less anxiously attached and less avoidantly attached.

9. When testing the effects of demographics, another interesting finding was that those who were themselves single (as opposed to coupled), were more likely to perceive their friends as ready for a committed relationship.

 

You, Your Friends And Your Commitment Readiness

These interesting insights are useful to apply to your own life. They help you to think about (i) what the missing link in your life may be, (ii) assess what sort of messages you’re giving to others, i.e. what type of ‘vibe’ you’re giving to others, and (iii) whether you think your friends’ perceptions of you are correct or not, and what that tells you.

And allow me to give you some helpful takeaways that you can immediately start applying to your life should you be hoping to commit to a serious romantic relationship one day, and get married.

 

If They’re Real Friends

If real friends – those who genuinely want the best for you, who are consistently happy for your happiness and sad for your sadness – hint at the fact that you may not be ready for a committed relationship or have a more anxious or avoidant attachment style, then it may be a sign that you need to give your relationship with yourself some work and attention.

And if you, too, agree with their analyses about you not being ready for committment or about you being more anxiously or avoidantly attached (currently, as you can change your attachment style), then it’s a great moment in time for you to take action in order to achieve your dating and relationship goals.

Nurture your relationship with yourself. Here are some quotes on self-worth to help inspire some ideas.

Understand where your relationship insecurities stem from. Consider professional help for overcoming these (attachment) issues holding you back, for example, what your childhood relationships may have been like, to your adult relationships with significant others such as your parents, teachers or friends, to past unhealthy romantic relationships you’ve had.

And ask yourself good questions. Looking from the outside in can help you to problem-solve more easily as you can sometimes see things more clearly that way. So here are a few questions to ponder:

1. What is it that they have noticed regarding your thoughts about, and attitude towards, being in a committed relationship that makes them think you’re not quite ready for relationship commitment? What do you tend to say on the topic? (Write those sentences down so you can look at them.)

2. What is it that they have noticed regarding your behaviours when you’re (a) getting acquainted with a potential date, (b) going on dates, (c) interacting digitally with a new romantic interest, (d) when things are getting more serious between you and someone you’re dating? (Write down your answers.)

3. What emotions do you tend to experience when (a) you meet someone new and (b) when you’re getting to know someone more deeply? Anxiety, overwhelming excitement, extreme optimism, numbness, pessimism, something else?

Your answers to the above give you your starting point (where you are right now), and:

allow you to begin thinking about what will help you to overcome any self-sabotaging and relationship-goals-sabotaging thoughts and attitudes,change any self-sabotaging and goal-sabotaging behaviours, andresolve any negative emotions that you’re currently experiencing (this will require deep introspection and taking action).

Notice also how those who were themselves single, as opposed to those who were coupled, were more likely to perceive their friends as ready for a committed relationship.

Could it be that your single friends may be missing signs of you unreadiness for a committed relationship whilst your coupled friends, possibly more aware of the traits that help a person ride the highs and lows of commitment and the need for the ability to form a secure attachment with one’s partner,  may be making more astute observations? Sometimes when a person is in a relationship currently, they find it easier to recall the path one has to navigate in relationships.

On the other hand, could it be that your single friends are feeling more optimistic about relationships, particularly if your coupled friends are in unsatisfactory ones themselves.

Given we do not know enough about the romantic relationships of the coupled friends in the study, I’d wager that the former is more likely.

So, coupled friends may give you a more accurate observation on your commitment readiness than your single friends do, something to bear in mind when you are seeking opinions from your friends.

 

A Disclaimer For Your Happiness: If They’re Secretly Jealous Friends

Just before we continue, I must say this for your health, happiness’ and goals’ sake.

Real friends are friends who care for you and genuinely want the best for you, not secret frenemies trying to hold you back from your happiness and growth.

You do need to make sure that you are surrounded by the right people. People who empower you and want you to be happy, not those who disempower you and want you to be unhappy. People who nurture your self-esteem and self-worth, not those that insidiously, purposely erode it.

You know that saying, ‘misery loves company’ (referring to those who are miserable and want to make those around them miserable, too)? Frenemies don’t want their ‘friends’ (sometimes known as abuse victims) to grow and be happy because then they lose them and all they feel they gain from them, including being accompanied in their misery, and even someone for them to toy with so that they can feel ‘in control of you’, ‘above you’ and ‘powerful’.

So, if you have a real, genuine, want the best for you type of friend – and you can always tell who they are through how they react and behave when you tell them about something good or bad happening in your life – only then is it worth paying attention to their opinions on your commitment readiness and attachment style.

 

The Vibe You’re Giving Off

Now back to the study.

What this research also highlights is that how others perceive your readiness for commitment and your attachment style, may be repelling dates, and potential long-term mates. That may be the reason you’re experiencing what seems like challenge after challenge on the dating scene.

Or why you’re not even getting to meet people you’ve connected with on online dating. Or why the men/women you interact with when out socialising never seem that interested. Or why you’ve been on a string of first and second dates but, even when you’re interested in them, they never seem to be. And so on.

It might be that they are picking up on your insecurities. You can fix those.

It might be that they don’t think you’re ready for a committed relationship despite stating that you are, and a serious relationship may be the only thing they are interested in.

Furthermore, your family and friends can play a significant, helpful role in your dating life. For example, they can introduce you to potential romantic partners via people they know, be your wingman or wingwoman when out socially looking for love, help you to navigate your online and offline dating journey with advice and pep talks, help you to work through your dating and relationship challenges, and remind you of your worth when you’re struggling to see it for yourself.

However, how they assist you can be shaped by how they view you. They may not currently be helping you to the best of their ability, not out of a lack of love, but simply because they don’t see you as ready for a committed relationship. Fix your inner turmoil, and you fix their perception of you, and by doing so, will likely gain better help from them with your love life.

And remember that your decision to pursue a particular relationship or not, may also be coloured by how you currently view yourself.

 

Nothing Is Set In Stone

You can change all of this.

Care about yourself, care about the direction your life goes in.

And if you want to be happy, and want to be in a lasting, committed, healthy, happy, romantic, passionate, relationship/marriage one day, then take charge of your life, and take it where you want it to go, whether that requires achieving a healthy self-worth, a more secure attachment style, and/or being ready for a committed relationship.

 

Reference

1. Yang, H., Weidmann, R., Purol, M. F., Ackerman, R. A., Lucas, R. E., & Chopik, W. J. (2025). Ready (for love) or not? Self and other perceptions of commitment readiness and associations with attachment orientations. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407525131...

 

Relationship Coaching Dating Coaching Anxiety Coaching Confidence Coaching

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25 Self-Worth Quotes

Self-worth quotes to help you protect your well-being, own your worth, and have better relationships as a result. Self-worth is vital for happy, healthy relationships, and a happy, healthy life, so let’s jump right in!

 

1. ‘Accept yourself as you are right now; an imperfect, changing, growing and worthy person.’ Denis Waitley

2. ‘It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.’ W. C. Fields

3. ‘Self worth cannot be verified by others.’ Wayne Dyer

4. ‘Not one ounce of my self worth depends on your acceptance of me.’ Quincy Jones

5. ‘One form of self-care is being a great gatekeeper of the types of relationships you maintain in your life. Always and only seek out healthy relationships and eliminate (or avoid as much as possible) unhealthy relationships, because healthy relationships reinforce a healthy self-worth and self-esteem whilst unhealthy relationships reinforce a low sense of self-worth and low self-esteem.’ Sam Owen ~ Resilient Me

6. ‘Developing personal power includes learning not to negotiate your self-worth for the sake of someone else or sell yourself short for a job.’ Caroline Myss

7. ‘How we care for ourselves gives our brain messages that shape our self-worth so we must care for ourselves in every way, every day.’ Sam Owen ~ 500 Relationships and Life Quotes

8. ‘Self-worth is so vital to your happiness. If you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s hard to feel good about anything else.’ Sandy Hale

9. ‘Self-care is paramount to self-worth and self-worth is necessary for resilience.’ Sam Owen ~ Resilient Me

10. ‘You are valuable so reinforce your self-worth by carving out time for yourself, and your mind, body and brain will thank you for it with a more positive self-image, energy, focus and resilience for solving and resolving your anxiety.’ Sam Owen ~ Anxiety Free

11. ‘Know your worth so you know when to say, “Yes”, and when to say, “Thank you but no thank you.”’ Sam Owen ~ Happy Relationships

12. ‘If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.’ Barbara De Angelis

13. ‘Reinforcing your resilience armour by raising your self-worth also becomes self-perpetuating because the more resilient you become, the higher your self-worth grows.’ Sam Owen ~ Resilient Me

14. ‘Taking charge of our life reinforces our self-worth.’ Sam Owen ~ 500 Relationships and Life Quotes

15. ‘Every time we choose action over ease or labor over rest, we develop an increasing level of self-worth, self-respect and self-confidence. In the final analysis, it is how we feel about ourselves that provides the greatest reward from any activity. It is not what we get that makes us valuable, it is what we become in the process of doing that brings value into our lives. It is activity that converts human dreams into human reality, and that conversion from idea into actuality gives us a personal value that can come from no other source.’ Jim Rohn

16. ‘To establish true self-esteem we must concentrate on our successes and forget about the failures and the negatives in our lives.’ Denis Waitley

17. ‘Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.’ Les Brown

18. ‘Before, I thought I was actually fighting for my own self-worth; that is why I so desperately wanted people to like me. I thought their liking me was a comment on me, but it was a comment on them.’ Hugh Prather

19. ‘Only surround yourself with people who reinforce your well-being and sense of self-worth. If they frequently make you question your self-worth and/or they proactively knock your self-esteem, or otherwise threaten your well-being and your life, whether intentionally or not, you need to remove them from your life or minimise the time you spend under their influence (around them).’ Sam Owen ~ Anxiety Free

20.‘Whether annually, bi-annually or as and when necessary throughout the year, throw out tatty clothes, shoes, accessories and other such possessions that you attach to your own body or personal environment, for these items shape our self-image by reinforcing either a low self-worth (‘This is all I’m worth’) or a healthy self-worth.’ Sam Owen ~ Resilient Me

21. ‘Have processed sugars and junk food from time to time because you’ve got to enjoy your life; just ensure you eat home-cooked, nutritious meals as often as possible. You’ll feel better for it, your weight and health will benefit, and this daily self-care ritual will become another frequent, subconscious reminder of your self-worth.’ Sam Owen ~ Resilient Me

22. ‘One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others.’ Bell Hooks

23. ‘Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.’ Brené Brown

24. ‘Loving yourself isn’t vanity; it’s sanity.’ Katrina Mayer

25. ‘Spending time alone in your own company reinforces your self-worth and is often the number-one way to replenish your resilience reserves.’ Sam Owen ~ Resilient Me

“Spending time alone in your own company reinforces your self-worth, and is often the number-one way to replenish your resilience reserves.”― Sam Owen @CentralParkNYC #nyc #quiettime pic.twitter.com/eV4IryaNqu

— Lisa Ann (@thereallisaann) July 1, 2021

Relationship Coaching Dating Coaching Anxiety Coaching Confidence Coaching

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To Have Children Or To Be Childfree

New research finds that having children can keep your brain young, and there’s a really interesting pattern to it, too, which we’ll come back to shortly.

It’s an interesting development given the recent rise in people saying they want to remain childfree, and given the palpable feeling of judgement that both those who have or want children, and those who want to remain childfree, can give to one another.

So, perhaps this new study will give parents and those who wish to become parents, a feeling of optimism, and even increased confidence in their choice, when they are faced with negativity about their decision. Or perhaps it will make you revisit your decision to be childfree, something I address a little later. First, the research.

 

The Research: Parents’ Brains As They Age

Using data from UK Bio Bank – the largest population-based neuroimaging study to date with adults aged 40 to 69 years – the researchers assessed the brain function of 19,964 females and 17,607 males as they age, and found that the more children parents had had, the greater connectivity their brains displayed, especially within the somato/motor network [1].

The somatic motor system is the neural system responsible for voluntary movements in response to its surrounding environment, controlling your muscles for limb coordination, posture maintenance, and complex movements like finger dexterity and speech [2].

In other words, the more children men and women have, the younger-looking their brain structure and functioning by the time they are in mid to late life.

This finding goes in the opposite direction of ageing, as when a person ages, there is decreased connectivity in this region.

And having checked for differences between parents and non-parents, the researchers conclude that the brain differences do appear to represent a generalised parenthood effect.

Therefore, having children appears to have a neuroprotective effect on brain function in later life, in mid to late life adults, and the more children parented, the greater the ‘anti-ageing’ effect in both men and women. An ongoing benefit to having parented children.

And as the finding was the same across men and women, the researchers state:

‘This effect of parenthood is consistent between females and males, implicating mechanisms of the shared parental environment, rather than solely biological alterations related to pregnancy, birth, and lactation. For both females and males, higher number of children parented was associated with higher functional connectivity, largely concentrated within the somato/motor network, and between the default network and the rest of the brain.’

The default network is active during passive moments and is responsible for things like remembering the past, thinking about the future, processing information in relation to yourself, and mind-wandering.

So various brain effects were actually noted.

 

Reasons Behind The Anti-Ageing Effects

Given these younger looking brains were found in both men and women, the findings suggest that it’s the act of engaging in caregiving that is likely the cause, even if some hormonal changes also play a role.

How can this be?

Well, our brains do rewire themselves in response to how we use them, and so the researchers suggest that engaging in things like cuddling, cradling, feeding, and playing, plus being attuned to a child’s non-verbal cues when they are young in order to keep them safe and help them develop, could create changes in the parents’ visual, auditory, tactile, sensory brain networks, over time.

Furthermore, as those children age, parents have to engage and evolve their thoughts, attention and empathy in line with their child’s needs in order to help their child’s social and behavioural development.

It’s a lot of good exercise for the brain, so to speak.

Plus, another possible reason given for the discovered neuroprotective effects on the parental brain could be the greater social opportunities that come with being parents, and the resulting stimulation.

For example, more visits from loved ones, a greater social network at home with a single child or multiple children, social contact with parents of other children, and socialising with their own adult children and grandchildren as they themselves age.

So, being a parent to one child, whilst taxing in some regards and rewarding in others, can actually keep you young, and the more children you parent, the younger it can make you!

 

If You’re Not Having Children

But if you don’t have children because you cannot (and I’m so sorry if that’s hurting you right now) or because you simply feel that you don’t want them, then consider focusing on activities that will keep the aforementioned parts of your brain in active use for years to come.

For example, opportunities that require attention; empathy; caregiving to others, whether paid or voluntary, for family, friends, neighbours or strangers; physical co-ordination; and maintaining social relationships.

Just remember that your brain is brilliantly resilient and you can rewire it throughout your lifetime through how you use it, so look for alternatives to help you achieve ‘anti-ageing’ brain effects for yourself, too.

 

5 Reasons You Might Think You Want To Be Childfree, But End Up Changing Your Mind

But what if you’re, albeit subconsciously, childfree by choice but a little undecided, or are currently outright against the idea of having children yourself?

Well, let’s have a look at some of the reasons why you might feel that way now, but end up changing your mind. If you don’t, that’s fine, but it’s worth considering the following as you wouldn’t be the first person to have a change of heart.

This list is by no means exhaustive, but here are five reasons you may have decided having kids isn’t for you, when the reality is, you might only be seeing it that way at this point in your life for a reason.

 

5 Reasons That May Be Temporary

1. You’re not in the right relationship and no matter how long you’ve been with your current partner, deep down, you’re not sure they’re the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. So, right now, you’re of the opinion that having children just isn’t for you.

2. Your current partner doesn’t want children and so you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t either.

3. You keep company with people who talk frequently about the fact that they don’t understand how people could want to have children, and perhaps that their ‘fur-babies’ are enough and, over time, you’ve come to think the same way.

4. You just don’t see it as something that will be fulfilling because you know deep down that it will put a (further) strain on your relationship.

5. You believe that, should you have a child with your current partner, you will be left to undertake the majority of the childrearing yourself, and that fills you with worry, maybe even dread.

So, what am I saying?

I’m saying that sometimes it’s the people in your life – your partner or your social circle – that are making you see the childfree choice as ‘the only’ right choice for you. That maybe, just maybe, it’s not how you will feel when you are surrounded by different people.

Just something to think about.

Keep an open mind – you never know what wonderful journey it might take you on, and as a bonus, your brain may age slower, too.

 

Reference

1. Orchard, E.R., Chopra, S., Ooi, L.Q.R., Chen, P., An, L., Jamadar, S.D., Yeo, B.T.T., Rutherford, H.J.V., & Holmes, A.J. (2025). Protective role of parenthood on age-related brain function in mid- to late-life. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 122(9) e2411245122. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2411245122

2. ‘Somatic Motor System’, USA: ScienceDirect®. Available at: https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/...

 

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Kindness Matters

Kindness can be transformative, yet underrated.

If you think about the tough times you’ve been through, it was the kindness of others, people you knew and strangers, that helped keep you upright.

So imagine the impact you can have on others with kindness. And the beauty of kindness is that when you show others kindness, it also helps you, and it helps mankind, too.

However, it would be remiss of me to not preface these kindness quotes with this: showing kindness to those who are relentlessly unkind to you can eventually chip away at your health and wellbeing, and your self-worth and self-esteem, so be kind to yourself, too.

Besides, we cannot give to others what we do not give to ourselves, therefore, being kind to yourself enables you to spread kindness around you.

So, on that note, here are 25 kindness quotes to inspire you to treat others well, and thus change your own life for the better, too.

 

25 Kindness Quotes

1. ‘Kindness is a universal language regardless of age, nationality or religion.’ Alex Ferguson

2. ‘Kindness is the power that moves us to support and heal someone who offers nothing in return.’ Lewis B. Smedes

3. ‘A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.’ Steve Maraboli

4. ‘Goodness is about character – integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people.’ Dennis Prager

5. ‘A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.’ Dave Barry

6. ‘The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention.’ Khalil Gibran

7. ‘Take time to be kind and to say “thank you”.’ Zig Ziglar

8. ‘I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’ Maya Angelou

9. ‘We gain from giving; either happiness or resilience or both.’ Sam Owen ~ Resilient Me

10. ‘Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.’ Leo Buscaglia

11. ‘No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.’ Aesop

12. ‘Everyone benefits from someone believing in them, because it helps them to believe in themselves.’ Sam Owen ~ Happy Relationships

13. ‘We all have the power to make a positive impact in the world. It starts with small acts of kindness.’ Takeshi Kitano

14. ‘We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.’ Charlie Chaplin.

15. ‘And speak to people kindly.’ Qur’an 2:83

16. ‘They who sow courtesy reap friendship, and they who plant kindness gather love.’ Saint Basil

17. ‘May I never get too busy in my own affairs that I fail to respond to the needs of others with kindness and compassion.’ Thomas Jefferson

18. ‘Always keep compassion in your heart – it’s the most comfortable way to live and the clearest way to see.’ Sam Owen ~ Happy Relationships

19. ‘I always say that kindness is the greatest beauty that you can have.’ Andie MacDowell

20. ‘Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved and believes in the goodness in people.’ Roy T. Bennett

21. ‘The best portion of a good man’s life is his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.’ William Wordsworth

22. ‘He who aspires to paradise should learn to deal with people with kindness.’ Abu Bakr

23. ‘A little thought and a little kindness are often worth more than a great deal of money.’ John Ruskin

24. ‘Kindness is a sort of love without being love.’ Susan Hill

25. ‘Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime.’ Dale Carnegie

 

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A Rapidly Evolved Relationship Landscape

For many years we have heard how adult children of divorce may be less likely to marry or more likely to divorce, but is it really that clear cut? Is the picture really so bleak? After all, many factors contribute to that potential link between parental divorce and future romantic relationship successes of their offspring.

Plus, when you look at the research into that link specifically, the vast majority of it was conducted many years ago, most of it before 2011, or using data from well before then, and yet society has evolved rapidly in the past decade and a half, let alone since the 70s, 80s, and 90s, and in so many ways.

We’ve witnessed a massive evolution from the change in our self-awareness to changing attitudes towards marital ‘success’ and ‘failure’, to our understanding and acceptance of previously taboo topics such as online dating, divorce, poor mental health, and toxic relationships.

Prior to this change, these topics were like dark secrets you kept within the family or only mentioned to your closest friends. Now people shout about them from the roof top (maybe a little too much in some people’s minds but hey, we’re all entitled to be our individual selves, right, so each to their own).

 

Research About Being A Child Of Divorce

Fortunately, once you drill into the details, most of the research paints an optimistic picture.

Firstly, a lot of the research on the subject has been longitudinal (long-term) studies where the first wave of data collection occurred decades ago, such as the 70s. Women and men divorcing decades ago. Can you imagine? What a huge taboo at the time meaning a lot of difficulties and ‘shame’ for the divorcees and their offspring. A lot has changed since then. Society has changed. People have changed. Attitudes have changed. Opportunities have changed.

Secondly, even when the research findings are, at first glance, kind of bleak, something important stands out. A lot of the research highlights how thoughts influenced attitudes and behaviours, both in the divorcees, and subsequently, in their offspring, both during adolescence and adulthood. Below are some examples.

 

Parental Divorce & Marital Commitment & Confidence

In a study of engaged couples, the women of divorced parents were found to have lower relationship commitment and less confidence in their own impending marriages lasting than did women of non-divorced parents [1]. However, being the offspring of divorce did not impact the marital commitment, nor confidence, of the men in the study.

Furthermore, the level of inter-parental conflict witnessed by the women from divorced families did not alter their relationship commitment or confidence, thereby highlighting that it is the divorce, rather than the parental conflict that impacted their attitudes in terms of relationship commitment and confidence. And given parental divorce impacted the women but not the men with regards to their marital commitment and confidence, something is at play, it’s not a general issue. For example, it could be how parents differently discuss divorce with daughters vs. sons.

 

Parental Divorce & Young Adults’ Outlook On Marriage

In a study on young adults, 50% of whom were from divorced families, those who reported greater feelings of commitment in their current romantic relationship tended to have more positive feelings about marriage [2], highlighting that a person’s current views on romantic relationships can influence their optimistic outlook about marriage in the future, despite being adult children of divorce.

 

Transmission Of Marital Instability From Divorced Parents

In a longitudinal study assessing the reasons behind a greater likelihood of divorce from parents to offspring found, amongst other things, that parental divorce more often linked with offspring divorce when the children of divorced parents had reported a low, rather than high, level of parental marital discord prior to their parents’ marriage ending [3].

This study demonstrates the influence of expectations about what makes a marriage end, and/or shock over an unexpected event, on a person’s thoughts and feelings towards divorce. As though the unpredictability of one’s parents’ divorce can unnerve one’s perception of, and feelings towards, the concept of a life-long marriage.

 

Mental Health Of Children Of Divorced Parents

In a scientific review of studies that had used data between 1980 and 2015, researchers found that children of divorce whose parents separated or divorced before they (the offspring) had turned 16 years old, had an increased likelihood of having depression during adulthood [4].

Therefore, could it be a feeling of low self-worth, sadness, hopelessness and learned helplessness stemming from childhood parental divorce, or parental conflict they experienced during their parent’s marriage, that plays at least a partial role in the adult child’s mental health which in turn could impact their perception of marriage and may be part of the reason for why some children of divorce feel pessimistic about marriage?

 

Attitudes Towards Divorce In Children Of Divorce

And in a study on young adults’ attitudes towards divorce and their own romantic relationships (notably different from marriage but still relevant), researchers found those from divorced families held more favourable views about divorce, when compared with those from non-divorced families and that, a positive attitude towards divorce was linked to a lower commitment to their own romantic relationship and this in turn was linked to a higher chance of their own romantic relationship being dissolved during the 14 week period of the study [5].

What’s more, the young adults of divorced parents had either observed high parental conflict or low parental conflict prior to the divorce. Those who had witnessed high levels of parental conflict had more favourable attitudes towards divorce than those who had witnessed low levels of parental conflict prior to their parents’ divorce.

And those who had observed low levels of parental conflict prior to their parents’ divorce, had a less favourable attitude toward divorce, experienced more relationship stability in their own romantic relationships and were less likely to have had a relationship break-up during the 14 week research period.

This could suggest that they didn’t perceive their parents’ divorce as a necessary outcome of their parents’ relationship problems which then shaped their perception of divorce on the whole, which in turn helped them to separate their feelings about their own future resulting in them being able to maintain a favourable attitude towards romantic relationships, thereby helping them to create and experience more relationship stability and thus have more lasting relationships.

 

Thoughts Shape Your Life

Notice that pattern? Perceptions, expectations, attitudes. In other words…thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.

The above are just a few examples, but when you look at research papers, the adulthood outcomes point to the influence of thoughts that stem from parental divorce, including those passed on by grieving parents. So, if, as a child of separation or divorce, you’ve been feeling down and/or confused about your own prospects of getting married and having a lasting, happy marriage, this is for you.

You are not doomed to be divorced one day just because your parents were and just because you may have had unsatisfactory romantic relationships thus far. Your childhood experiences may have negatively shaped your thoughts about marriage and divorce, but they don’t need to. Nor should they.

So, without getting into the finer details of those studies in this article (we’ll leave that for another time), right now, allow me to share 9 reasons why you should stay hopeful about marriage, whether your parents divorced or separated, so as to redirect your thoughts towards a realistic, positive, optimistic outlook.

 

9 Reasons For Staying Hopeful About Marriage As A Child Of Divorce

1. Your parents’ relationship provides you with a blueprint of what worked and what didn’t, emulate the good, discard the bad.

2. The era your parents were raised in will have impacted their decision to marry, and that might have meant they married the wrong person, maybe knowingly, but feeling unable to choose otherwise, and so divorce may have been inevitable all along and had nothing to do with your arrival.

3. Your parents’ attitudes and behaviours will have affected their marriage, divorce, and life after divorce, your attitudes and behaviours from this point on will affect your relationships from this point on. You are not them. You get to choose your thoughts and behaviours.

4. People make mistakes, including parents. Their relationship mistakes aren’t your mistakes. Therefore, their relationship outcomes aren’t your relationship outcomes.

5. Your parents may have married the wrong person by accident, so do your best to make sure you don’t.

6. Your parents might have married for the wrong reasons, maybe unknowingly, make sure you marry for the right reasons, for example, not because you want to have children and your ‘biological clock is ticking’, or because you’re panicking about growing old alone, or because you’re the only single person in your social circle.

7. Given people were generally marrying at a much younger age in decades gone by, your parents may not have been mature enough to make the right partner choice and/or to successfully weather the storms of life together.

8. As a product of bygone eras, your parents may not have been self-aware enough when they married, so make sure that you are as it will give you the best instructions for who you should spend your happy ever after with.

9. You are your own person, never judge your life based on someone else’s. You are capable of the love and happiness you put your heart and mind to.

 

Thoughts Become Things

Thoughts steer your life. Choose them, use them, wisely.

Use your thoughts to steer you towards relationship happiness. Use your thoughts not to ruminate over your parents’ life experiences but to learn from them. Use your thoughts to unravel why, in hindsight, your parents may have given you some of the unhealthy thought patterns you may have about marriage and divorce, whilst they were emotionally struggling to process theirs.

Whatever mistakes you’ve made in your romantic relationships so far are also helpful lessons about what you want from a relationship and partner, what you don’t want, what you’re willing to put up with, and what you’re absolutely not willing to put up with, and what really makes you come alive, makes you your best self, and what sort of future you want. Use those things to guide you towards your happy ever after.

 

References

1. Whitton, S. W., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2008). Effects of parental divorce on marital commitment and confidence. Journal of Family Psychology, 22(5), 789–793. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0012800

2. Lazinski, M. J., & Ehrenberg, M. F. (2024). Young adult’s outlook on marriage: The influence of parental divorce, family of origin functioning and attachment style. Family Transitions, 65(7), 1–28. https://doi.org/10.1080/28375300.2024...

3. Amato P. R., DeBoer D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2...

4. Sands, A., Thompson, E. J., & Gaysina, D. (2017). Long-term influences of parental divorce on offspring affective disorders: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Affective Disorders, 218, 105–114. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2017.04...

5. Cui, M., Fincham, F. D., & Durtschi, J. A. (2011). The effect of parental divorce on young adults’ romantic relationship dissolution: What makes a difference? Personal Relationships, 18(3), 410–426. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2...

 

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