Sandy Klein Bernstein's Blog

★ Cooking with Cwendhilda:

Dear Readers,

Upon returning home from the Culinary Sorcerers’ Convention last week, I emptied my suitcase and got a nasty surprise. A sample of BBQ Orc Sauce that I snuck out of the convention had opened up in my suitcase and all of my clothes were covered in a sticky red sauce. Not only that, everything had the distinct odor of orc snot (one of the main ingredients in this delicious marinade). Luckily, a cellar sprite I met at the convention had given me a new cleaning potion recipe. Figuring I had nothing to lose, I tried it and was amazed at how well it worked! Not only were my clothes spotless and wrinkle-free, but a minty-fresh elvenweed scent clung to each garment. So, dear readers, I would like to now share this recipe with you!

Wrinkle-Free Laundry Potion

Yield: Cleans and presses 5-6 baskets of dirty laundry

Magic Level: Intermediate

Ingredients:

1/4 cup orc fang, finely chopped
2 tablespoons dragon tears (see article below, 5 Ways to Make a Dragon Cry)
1 ½ cups eye of newt broth (wrap and freeze the eyes for later use)
1 teaspoon table salt
2 strands djinn hair
1/3 cup mashed gargoyle claw
2 teaspoons ground elvenweed

In a large cauldron on medium-high heat, cook the orc fang, dragon tears and eye of newt broth until boiling. Remove the orc fang with a slotted spoon and discard. Reduce the heat to low and stir in the salt and djinn hair. When mixture bubbles a milky green, add the remaining ingredients, stirring well. Cover and simmer for 10 minutes. Remove from heat.

When mixture is fully cooled, pour ½ cup over basket of dirty clothes and twirl wand over top 3 times. When clothing begins to spark, remove wand.

*Do NOT cast spell while potion is still hot as laundry may explode.* Store remaining potion in a glass bottle in a dark cupboard. 

5 Ways to Make a Dragon Cry

Contrary to popular belief, most dragons are actually quite sensitive. Beneath that fearsome hard-shelled exterior beats the heart of a poet. This is best exemplified by Galdoren’s 27th poet laureate, Mordan the Magnificent, most famous for his touching tribute to dandelions: 

Ode to a Dandelion

Oh, gentle yellow-bellied bud

swaying  proudly in the breeze

woulds’t that thou not be plucked

just because you make me sneeze

Like magic in the night

thy golden petals turn to white

and children blow your seed

leaving just your spiky weed.

Trampled beneath the hoof of a faun

your rosette head

smashed across the lawn

your broken stem bleeding white

amidst the green

as if thy lovely bloom

had never been

              - Mordan the Magnificent

Thus, if you are caught on a cold winter’s night craving Weeping Stew or any other number of recipes that call for Dragon Tears but your cupboards are bare, simply use these tried-and-true tricks on the nearest dragon and your potion bottles will be filled with tears in no time.

How to Make a Dragon Cry:

Sing “The Ballad of the Homeless Sprite”.
Ask the dragon to tell you about its first love.
Steal its teddy bear (all dragons are notoriously attached to their teddies, as it is traditional for mother dragons to give their offspring a bear on their first hatchday).
Tell the dragon its breath stinks (have you ever noticed how shiny their fangs are? That’s because dragons take great pride in their dental hygiene).
Tickle the dragon under its wingpit until tears come to its eyes. All dragons are extremely ticklish and the wingpit is an especially sensitive area.

★ Health Beat:

Pixie Dust: Galdoren’s Leading Cause of Sneezes, or There’s Magic In The Air, Bring Kleenex by Lena Lahorne

Ah, summer in Galdoren. The mouth-watering smell of dragons charbroiling their dinners, the delighted squeals of teens riding their magic carpets, and the deafening roar of sneezes from Galdoren Castle to the Whispering Sea. Yes, it’s pixie dust season. What is it about those little sparkling specks that can make even the most fearsome of goblin’s eyes water? According to the Galdoren Allergists Association, pixie dust is the most common allergen in the kingdom, causing wheezing and sneezing from the tiniest gnome to the most colossal giant.

The second most common allergen in Galdoren is unicorn hair. When those magnificent beasts shimmer in and out, the one thing that does not disappear is their dander. Unicorn dander is carried by the wind, causing sensitive citizens across the country to reach for the nearest tissue.

So what can you do to protect your family against those microscopic bits of glittering dust and dander? There are a number of spells on the market guaranteed to end your suffering, but according to the Galdoren Drug Administration these are short-term fixes and offer little relief against a full-blown allergy attack. A licensed alchemist can conjure up a stronger elixir, providing you have a signed Rx.

But the best advice is to shut your windows whenever you see a tiny green fairie flying in the distance. Also, try to avoid places with tell-tale signs of recent unicorn activity, such as blurry waves of shimmering air. You may think that touching one of those gleaming horns is magical, but there is nothing enchanting about a throat full of phlegm.

★ Coupon:

Half Off Cleaning Services at Elvina’s Wand Repair

There’s nothing worse than casting a spell and having it misfire due to a clogged tip. At Elvina’s Wand Repair, we specialize in deep-cleaning and restoring wands back to their former glory. 

One satisfied customer writes, “When I first got my wand, I cleaned it religiously. But over the years I let it go, to the point where the tip was clogged with years of dirt and debris. One day I cast an ordinary garden spell on my tomato plants and within hours, every tomato on the vine had grown to the size of a basketball and was sporting a mouthful of giant fangs. By the time the pest control service arrived, the monstrous vegetables had eaten all of the other plants in my garden, including my prize-winning pumpkins!

“The next day I dropped my wand off for a deep cleaning at Elvina’s and have been going for yearly clean-and-checks ever since. I have never had a spell backfire on me again, plus my wand is the envy of all my friends with its blindingly glittery tip. I sleep better knowing that all my spells are now backed by Elvina’s Lifetime Warranty.”

Elvina’s Wand Repair is conveniently located in Village Square across from Gossamer’s Gifts.

★ Callista’s Cove Advice Column

 ~Callista received her graduate degree in Behavioral Science at Lagoona Beach University. Her hobbies include sea shelling, deep sea diving, and staring endlessly at her own reflection. You can write Callista directly at The Galdoren Gazette or care of Sandy@TheDoorInTheSky.com.~

Dear Callista,

I always wanted to marry a knight in shining armor, and two months ago, my wish came true! I’d like to say I’m blissfully happy, but the truth is, I’m miserable. My new husband wears his armor EVERYWHERE! And when I say everywhere, I mean he never takes it off, like, ever!

When we were dating, I figured he wore it all the time because he knew I thought it was hot. But then he wore it to our wedding. And all through our honeymoon (don’t ask). And every day since!!! You should hear the racket when he goes to the bathroom! And don’t even get me started on trying to snuggle up to a 200 pound sheet of metal. Even his undershirts are iron mesh! He showers in it every morning and now it’s starting to rust in the armpits (do you have any idea how expensive it is to replace? And we’re living on a military paycheck!). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve rolled over in bed only to crack my head on his helmet. I wanted a knight in shining armor, but this is ridiculous!

— Damsel in Distress

Dear Damsel,

It sounds like your new hubby is wearing that metal suit as emotional armor, guarding against feelings of insecurity. Perhaps he’s unsure if you married him for the armor or for what’s beneath. Try reassuring him that you don’t just love the uniform, but the man who’s wearing it as well. I would also advise you to swap all of your hard plastic toilet seats for those soft cushioned ones, unless you want the whole neighborhood waking up every time your husband has to go to the loo.

★ Classifieds:

For Sale — Used Flying Carpet. Frayed fringe. Tassel missing. Small stain in upper right corner. Dragon scorched on bottom third. View here. Best offer. Spell-o-phone: 00-24-444

For Sale By Owner – Gorgeous Magic Lantern in Desirable East Huffington Neighborhood!  This stunning 2 bedroom, 1 bath lamp has recently been updated. Eat-in kitchen. Large family room. Just a short walk from historic Village Square. -Century 1 Realtors.

(For more on Galdoren, please go to our Visitor Center.)

★ Callista’s Cove Advice Column

 ~Callista received her graduate degree in Behavioral Science at Lagoona Beach University. Her hobbies include sea shelling, deep sea diving, and staring endlessly at her own reflection. You can write Callista directly at The Galdoren Gazette or care of Sandy@TheDoorInTheSky.com.~

Dear Callista,

I always wanted to marry a knight in shining armor, and two months ago, my wish came true! I’d like to say I’m blissfully happy, but the truth is, I’m miserable. My new husband wears his armor EVERYWHERE! And when I say everywhere, I mean he never takes it off, like, ever!

When we were dating, I figured he wore it all the time because he knew I thought it was hot. But then he wore it to our wedding. And all through our honeymoon (don’t ask). And every day since!!! You should hear the racket when he goes to the bathroom! And don’t even get me started on trying to snuggle up to a 200 pound sheet of metal. Even his undershirts are iron mesh! He showers in it every morning and now it’s starting to rust in the armpits (do you have any idea how expensive it is to replace? And we’re living on a military paycheck!). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve rolled over in bed only to crack my head on his helmet. I wanted a knight in shining armor, but this is ridiculous!

— Damsel in Distress

Dear Damsel,

It sounds like your new hubby is wearing that metal suit as emotional armor, guarding against feelings of insecurity. Perhaps he’s unsure if you married him for the armor or for what’s beneath. Try reassuring him that you don’t just love the uniform, but the man who’s wearing it as well. I would also advise you to swap all of your hard plastic toilet seats for those soft cushioned ones, unless you want the whole neighborhood waking up every time your husband has to go to the loo.

★ Classifieds:

For Sale — Used Flying Carpet. Frayed fringe. Tassel missing. Small stain in upper right corner. Dragon scorched on bottom third. Best offer. Spell-o-phone: 00-24-444

For Sale By Owner – Gorgeous Magic Lantern in Desirable East Huffington Neighborhood!  This stunning 2 bedroom, 1 bath lamp has recently been updated. Eat-in kitchen. Large family room. Just a short walk from historic Village Square. -Century 1 Realtors.

(For more on Galdoren, please go to our Visitor Center.)

★ Arts and Entertainment:

The Dragons of Screaming Cliff – A Review by Fergus Dudley

I’d like to say that making the treacherous climb from the base of the Shrieking Valley up to the peak of Screaming Cliff was worth every sore muscle, but it was not. To say that the Dragons of Screaming Cliff was the most disappointing performance of the year is putting it mildly.

From the first pitiful roar of this high-flying act to the last trickle of flame, the entire show was one gigantic yawn. The aerial acrobatics had all the grace of a Cyclops on ice and their supposed “free-wheeling stunts” had all the excitement of watching your great-aunt knit a cardigan sweater.

The dragons’ much-hyped “death-defying plumes of flame” was in reality a trickle of fire and a few puffs of smoke. The two lead dragons, Fangous and Scarella, made ample use of their impressive wing spans, but they failed to capture the attention of the youngest members of the audience, who spent the night running up and down the aisles. On the plus side, the entire troupe boasted dark green scales that fairly glistened in the moonlight, and fangs that could produce nightmares in even the bravest of knights. Unfortunately, sharp fangs and well-maintained scales could not save the yawn-fest that is The Dragons of Screaming Cliff.

◊ - One Star

Rebuttal: I have been a make-up artist for the Dragons of Screaming Cliff for the past six seasons. What your review failed to take into account is that the dragons perform seven days a week with two matinees on the weekend. Thus, it is no wonder that they are unable to produce the gigantic flames they are so famous for at the end of each and every performance. Furthermore, I used to work with a Cyclops who walked the high wire, a feat that requires both dexterity and grace.  Your remarks reflect an ignorance and bias that is unfortunately so common in the media today.  – Nixie Merewald

★ Sports Notes:

The Fringe Will Fly!

The National Association for Stock Carpet Racing (NASCARPET) presents the Soar Cup Series Final this weekend. 200 Death-Defying Laps in the speediest magic carpet race in Galdoren.  Who will take the checkered flag?

Scrypptors 86th National Spelling Bee

Young wizards, fairies, and apprentice alchemists from all over the country will gather in the nation’s capital tonight to compete wand-to-wand in a series of increasingly complex spells in their effort to become the 86th National Spelling Bee Champ.

★ In the next issue:

Tales from the Galdoren Single Scene —A Knight in Tarnished Armor

(For more on Galdoren, please go to our Visitor Center.)