★ Callista’s Cove Advice Column

 ~Callista received her graduate degree in Behavioral Science at Lagoona Beach University. Her hobbies include sea shelling, deep sea diving, and staring endlessly at her own reflection. You can write Callista directly at The Galdoren Gazette or care of Sandy@TheDoorInTheSky.com.~

Dear Callista,

I always wanted to marry a knight in shining armor, and two months ago, my wish came true! I’d like to say I’m blissfully happy, but the truth is, I’m miserable. My new husband wears his armor EVERYWHERE! And when I say everywhere, I mean he never takes it off, like, ever!

When we were dating, I figured he wore it all the time because he knew I thought it was hot. But then he wore it to our wedding. And all through our honeymoon (don’t ask). And every day since!!! You should hear the racket when he goes to the bathroom! And don’t even get me started on trying to snuggle up to a 200 pound sheet of metal. Even his undershirts are iron mesh! He showers in it every morning and now it’s starting to rust in the armpits (do you have any idea how expensive it is to replace? And we’re living on a military paycheck!). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve rolled over in bed only to crack my head on his helmet. I wanted a knight in shining armor, but this is ridiculous!

— Damsel in Distress

Dear Damsel,

It sounds like your new hubby is wearing that metal suit as emotional armor, guarding against feelings of insecurity. Perhaps he’s unsure if you married him for the armor or for what’s beneath. Try reassuring him that you don’t just love the uniform, but the man who’s wearing it as well. I would also advise you to swap all of your hard plastic toilet seats for those soft cushioned ones, unless you want the whole neighborhood waking up every time your husband has to go to the loo.

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