Roxanne M. Dawson's Blog

Originally posted on The People of Planet Earth :

You get to a point in life when sometimes you are in a position of power. Unfortunately while you do have power (as a manager or whatever) you do not have the exact right as to fire people or, if you do, you cannot do so due to the immediate follow-up of not being able to replace them with anyone else. As an immediate consequence of this you have to put up with either the category of people we call airheads and lazy people.

The airheads in their defence want to help, they want to do their job, be it voluntary, paid etc. They want to do it, but, poor them, sometimes that proves a bit too much for them. Even when it comes to voluntary work, you have a responsibility because you mainly do it for one of 3 reasons: to better the world and be a good person…

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While many say that going out into the world to fulfill your dreams is rewarding and oh so wonderful, in some case, many a few I’d like to say (but until that is confirmed, it’s just me) can cause, instead of the wondrous fulfillment, an anxiety disorder. Going out to another country to study had been a dream since childhood. Infusing yourself in new cultures, making all kinds of different friends, learning new things (come on the knowledge) and running from your old life (that’s a definite bargain) would seem like a dream come true, only for summer vacation to come and you going home an inconsolable wretch. It’s not that things went that badly for you, but the stress of it all took its tool. The beautiful places and new cultures were a bit hard to take in when it consisted of oil (the cultures) and water (you), they don’t mix. That pretty dream you had and that knowledge you digested from history books, tv shows and newspapers. Nu-uh, don’t confuse what you were led to believe by your unconscious mind with that of reality. Friends… you meet a lot of people, hard to make them when they stick with their own groups (mostly ethnic) and f you do make them, they’re not all that close are they? You learn lots of new things, but until then you go from one moment where you want to bangs your head against the wall for various reasons to breaking down crying for those same villainous reasons. Take a breaker in that department I’d say. School work, same thing happens as previously mentioned including numerous sleepless nights (months), bad diets (16 pound gain), no time for going out or friends and so on. At the end of it all you realize that going out into the world means getting premature grey hairs because you don’t depend on your parents anymore (with the exception of money, but you have to manage it properly or else), solving your own problems and creating many problems since you’re a moronic air-headed clumsy idiot. The number of friends you love and depend on, you can still count them on one hand (3, 2 of which are bfff), but you don’t have time for them anymore and sometimes you ask yourself if you are still as close as before. And the new places you visited (like really truly visited) are in a number of 2: the one you live in and the one you usually shop in. At the end you are an anxious mess that worries about every single small thing for days straight, not sleeping and pretty much getting a panic attack every 5 seconds (may lead to premature visit to heaven or the way down, depends how it goes) and crying over every single mistake you made, in other words fall into depression.

Lesson learned? Do not make serious heavy impact decisions believing that it will all be nirvana for you. Be heavily prepared mentally, emotionally and physically. I guarantee you will be scarred for life, depends on you wherever it’s a good one or bad one.

While many say that going out into the world to fulfill your dreams is rewarding and oh so wonderful, in some case, many a few I’d like to say (but until that is confirmed, it’s just me) can cause, instead of the wondrous fulfillment, an anxiety disorder. Going out to another country to study had been a dream since childhood. Infusing yourself in new cultures, making all kinds of different friends, learning new things (come on the knowledge) and running from your old life (that’s a definite bargain) would seem like a dream come true, only for summer vacation to come and you going home an inconsolable wretch. It’s not that things went that badly for you, but the stress of it all took its tool. The beautiful places and new cultures were a bit hard to take in when it consisted of oil (the cultures) and water (you), they don’t mix. That pretty dream you had and that knowledge you digested from history books, tv shows and newspapers. Nu-uh, don’t confuse what you were led to believe by your unconscious mind with that of reality. Friends… you meet a lot of people, hard to make them when they stick with their own groups (mostly ethnic) and f you do make them, they’re not all that close are they? You learn lots of new things, but until then you go from one moment where you want to bangs your head against the wall for various reasons to breaking down crying for those same villainous reasons. Take a breaker in that department I’d say. School work, same thing happens as previously mentioned including numerous sleepless nights (months), bad diets (16 pound gain), no time for going out or friends and so on. At the end of it all you realize that going out into the world means getting premature grey hairs because you don’t depend on your parents anymore (with the exception of money, but you have to manage it properly or else), solving your own problems and creating many problems since you’re a moronic air-headed clumsy idiot. The number of friends you love and depend on, you can still count them on one hand (3, 2 of which are bfff), but you don’t have time for them anymore and sometimes you ask yourself if you are still as close as before. And the new places you visited (like really truly visited) are in a number of 2: the one you live in and the one you usually shop in. At the end you are an anxious mess that worries about every single small thing for days straight, not sleeping and pretty much getting a panic attack every 5 seconds (may lead to premature visit to heaven or the way down, depends how it goes) and crying over every single mistake you made, in other words fall into depression.

Lesson learned? Do not make serious heavy impact decisions believing that it will all be nirvana for you. Be heavily prepared mentally, emotionally and physically. I guarantee you will be scarred for life, depends on you wherever it’s a good one or bad one.

Two years ago in a river of light pointed out by one of my best friends, my entire life came crashing down into one moot point: my entire life accomplishments were a joke. I was never one to really try hard. I wasn’t the best in my class, I never joined any clubs or participated in any contests, I was rubbish at sports and I never really tried to do anything with the small amounts of talent I really did have.

Everyone around me, from friends to close family, would say that I could accomplish something great if I put my mind to it. I could be the best in my class, as I was smarter than what my test results always screamed. I was a talented writer and a talented painter among others, but as much as all their words boosted my ego to a humongous state, as I grew older, even though vain I still was, little by little I started realizing, I was mediocre or even bellow that.

I wasn’t smart. There were people a million times more book smart than I was and social smart I never was in a million years, so I could say that anyone could be socially smarter than me. I wasn’t good at sports and I knew that, but I loved tennis and the entire struggling with it thing brought my entire inflated ego down, to the point where I could scream and cry in exasperation. And if you think about the writing thing, while great ideas I did have writing them down never seemed to work. Thus that screamed failure amongst others. As time passed by even the number of ideas I got came like one every few months.

I was in a crisis. I realized I didn’t know what to do with my life and even if I did think about it, it all came to the exasperating black hole of working in a burger joint for the rest of my life. The job situation back home is not all that good and unless you are one of the more socially active as well as smart people, well job wise you are at the lower bottom at most.

My friend (that made me aware of these things) was due to go to Korea to study in less than a few months. She would soon break free of these spiraling vortexes, while I was nowhere near close to that. I was in a crisis, I had no idea what to do, what course to take or anything, but with her help and support I came back to my desire from more than 6 years prior, going to study abroad.

You must realize that wasn’t an easy decision to make. Money was scarce and I have always lived at home, never away for more than 20 miles. Plus I was used to my mom solving all my problems. I was a lazy stupid bum, one that never did anything for herself, not even cook food or wash her clothes, all she ever did was vacuum her room once every 4 months. Not a pretty picture of a person, but she was happy, at the expense of those around her of course.

Two years ago in a river of light pointed out by one of my best friends, my entire life came crashing down into one moot point: my entire life accomplishments were a joke. I was never one to really try hard. I wasn’t the best in my class, I never joined any clubs or participated in any contests, I was rubbish at sports and I never really tried to do anything with the small amounts of talent I really did have.

Everyone around me, from friends to close family, would say that I could accomplish something great if I put my mind to it. I could be the best in my class, as I as smarter than what my test results always screamed. I was a talented writer and a talented painter among others, but as much as all their words boosted my ego to a humongous state, as I grew older, even though vain I still was, little by little I started realizing, I was mediocre or even bellow that.

I wasn’t’t smart. There were people a million times more book smart than I was and social smart I never was in a million years, so I could say that anyone could be socially smarter than me. I wasn’t good at sports and I knew that, but I loved tennis and the entire struggling with it thing brought my entire inflated ego down, to the point where I could scream and cry in exasperation. And if you think about the writing thing, while great ideas I did have writing them down never seemed to work. Thus that screamed failure amongst others. As time passed by even the number of ideas I got came like one every few months.

I was in a crisis. I realized I didn’t know what to do with my life and even if I did think about it, it all came to the exasperating black hole of working in a burger joint for the rest of my life. The job situation back home is not all that good and unless you are one of the more socially active as well as smart people, well job wise you are at the lower bottom at most.

My friend (that made me aware of these things) was due to go to Korea to study in less than a few months. She would soon break free of these spiraling vortexes, while I was nowhere near close to that. I was in a crisis, I had no idea what to do, what course to take or anything, but with her help and support I came back to my desire from more than 6 years prior, going to study abroad.

You must realize that wasn’t an easy decision to make. Money was scarce and I have always lived at home, never away for more than 20 miles. Plus I was used to my mom solving all my problems. I was a lazy stupid bum, one that never did anything for herself, not even cook food or wash her clothes, all she ever did was vacuum her room once every 4 months. Not a pretty picture of a person, but she was happy, at the expense of those around her of course.

So if anyone has noticed, I’ve merged my two blogs, but what I didn’t account for was the fact that the pictures I transferred along with my posts will disappear when I would hit the delete button for my previously empty blog. So what can I say now? Either I try to find my pictures again and replace them or I just edit each post so that they have no more banners and stuff. Whichever it is, it���s a lot of work and not looking forward to it at all :( .

So if anyone has noticed, I’ve merged my two blogs, but what I didn’t account for was the fact that the pictures I transferred along with my posts will disappear when I would hit the delete button for my previously empty blog. So what can I say now? Either I try to find my pictures again and replace them or I just edit each post so that they have no more banners and stuff. Whichever it is, it’s a lot of work and not looking forward to it at all .

I noticed a pattern recently. When I sleep good during the night, you know the warm and fuzzy type, I’m tired as if a truck hit me the next day. But when I can’t sleep and toss and turn during the night, it’s as if I drank 10 coffees plus sugar the next day. I truly don’t understand this, it’s a total mystery to me. At least I had a really good dream last night, I’m satisfied!

Yesterday I had my first experience with gaining money, after such a long period of suffering with no job. It was only a one night deal and I gained something, both experience and dinero.

It consisted only of doing the inventory for one of the major stores, so it was only a one night thing, but I got payed after a lot of suffering so I’ pretty happy right now. I only managed to do the inventory for 2 pallets of merchandise which from my mom’s point of view, who did 10, I was seriously lacking, but hey! I got the most idiotic ones possible, the baking powder and powdered pudding sections.

I contemplated killing myself a few times. Just going through all those packets drove me insane, but at least it was interesting and cool. Made a few new friends, saw a cousin who I didn’t see in two years and drama, oh the drama. I actually lost my badge at one point and I went mental with fright. I asked one of the girls there if it was a problem and she said with the gravest tone ever that yes, it might even be possible for them to kick me out and not give me my pay, but then she said it was only a joke and there was no problem so phew.

But then I just realized this morning when I woke up, slept only 4 hours and dreamt only of those pallets and doing inventory which was interesting, that I lost the 5 bucks (my money transformed in dollars) that my dad gave me for home transportation and even though I gained 25, I’m still pissed. You win some, you lose some, but still!

Maybe I’ll find it – yeah right, wishful thinking that is – but for now I’m a little content and pissed, but it was great (no matter the muscle pains and scrapes). Anyway that was how my night went so far and it was a new type of experience. I’m happy I did it really. When you get the chance to do something like this cause no matter the pains and emotional dilemma, it’s an interesting and new experience. I’ll stop here so ciao!

My best friend, whom I adore and I will adore even more when she actually finishes the illustrations for my book, made the second logo for this blog after doing it for the other. She took a few days break since she had no idea what to do with it, and made me a nervous wreck because of it. But now I still owe her cookies and candy and as long as she does this favor for me and everything works out, I’ll give them to her with pleasure, if not…then no more food for you.

Anyway the logo reminds me of the circus and since my idol villain is the Joker…well, peace to you people, hurrah! So as always the picture is down bellow, a new header will be posted soon and the link to my other blog’s logo will also be posted at the end of this article. Milk and cookies everyone!

Blog Logo Ink&Quill

Posted from AMusingStar.wordpress.com (officially dead since 06.10.2013)